The Band-aid

Nobody can say that I didn’t try to fight for my life

2010-03-12T13:53:00.001-08:00

"Two months ago, I got a refund check for my student loans. I said that as soon as the money was gone, I would be too. I’ve drank over a thousand dollars worth of alcohol, and it wasn’t the expensive stuff.

I’m down to my last fifteen dollars. I’m on my way to the store now to buy the stuff to kill myself with.

I’ve said that I’m going to do it before on here, but my racing heart, the logic telling me that dying is right, the gutter I purposely through my life into all says that it’s time.

For two months, I’ve slept with countless guys I met offline. We never used condoms, and one guy I know had an STD. But I stopped caring what happened to my body because I knew I wasn’t going to need it. I chugged alcohol hoping for alcohol poisoning. I’ve mixed alcohol and pain pills. I stopped going to class or even caring. I’ve done everything to screw my life up just for motivation for tonight.

If my family or friends read this, then know I’m very sorry. But nobody can say that I didn’t try to fight for my life. I died in January when I gave up. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I’m so, so sorry. Please don’t ever hate me."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/03/postsecret/

I just want to die...but I don't wanna be the one to do it

2010-03-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

"When I was pregnant, I was talked to by my gynie guy's nurses about my history, as it all should be. I explained to them when I was 14 I became depressed, self-mutilated and attempted suicide twice (must not have really been attempts because neither landed me in the hospital).

They told me that with my history I would, at an almost 100% chance, have postpartum depression and that they would make sure to find out how I was feeling at all my postpartum check-ups.

So, I have my daughter on February 13, 2009. I'm fine in the hospital, I'm fine while staying with my mother. Hell, I'm even fine at home by myself with the baby. Then May comes, along with a doctor's visit. I feel SO horrible and SO depressed that I'm not a good enough mother and my money is disappearing and virtually gone and I haven't even really had to pay for a sitter yet. Her dad's only around when convenient and I just can't shake this feeling she'd be better off without me. He tells me I can't take antidepressants but I was not to give up pop since it may be the only thing keeping me from being seriously depressed. I wasn't suicidal then I just didn't know how I was going to make it and pull through. But I did.

Then October comes, and I found out they're closing my site and moving it to another state and now I'm going to be jobless come May. Despite all this being terrible luck, I'm still okay.

In July, I had found out my aunt and uncle were planning on moving to Nebraska. I lived with/near them just about my whole life. And they were leaving, taking my cousins (who are more like sisters to me anyways) with them. But they finally made it seriously official, with an official date, in December. They were going to be leaving on my daughter's first birthday and miss her birthday party. This upset me.

Now I'm going to stop here before you think all this led to my current situation. It doesn't. All this just made the situation worse, but as you can see in the beginning, it's not the cause.

For the past two months, I've been overwhelmed. Crying at the drop of a hat, which has scared SO many people because I am not that type of person. Some days are better than others and on my best days I can appear to be functioning like everyone around me. Other days, they ask why I'm so quiet or what's wrong.

Last Wednesday, I cut again. I haven't since, but that's the first time since July 2007. I wanted to die so badly on Wednesday that I really felt at any point in time I could just drop dead and then maybe I could finally be happy. Now...I wouldn't really say I'm suicidal. I would say I wish for death. For me to say I'm suicidal would imply that I want to or feel I need to kill myself. That's not the case. I just want to die...but I don't wanna be the one to do it.

Since I'm in the job transition, I'm starting a new job soon and plan on getting professional help as soon as my insurance kicks in. I just had to get this off my chest now.

Have you experienced postpartum depression? How did you treat the depression? At what point is it not postpartum depression?"

Source: http://www.momaroo.com/723317591/at-what-point-is-it-not-postpartum/

Nothing is important to me anymore

2010-03-10T19:27:00.000-08:00

"ok…so theres just alot of crap thats been going on my whole life, and im 15 and because of this i never had a childhood or a teenagehood and i grew up really fast and now im 15 and i take on to much i put these burdons on my back because i feel like i have to i have a duty to my family! and just these last 2 days ive felt like theres something in my head ready to explode and i can literally feel the pressure and i get really really bad tension headaches and i get anxious and scared about random stuff! and im not eating properly…meaning barely at all. i just feel like ive held it together for so long and kept it inside but now the cracks are showing and im scared because i feel crazy! really crazy but i dont like see or hear or smell things that arent there or anything its just im scared im gonna go crazy!
amnyway ill tell you whats actually wrong
summary:
brother and sister born with aspergers, adhd and other types of autism (skipped me)
got beat up by older brother, sometyimes younger sister (when i was a kid for example, hitting, punching, kicking,choking,throwing against walls ect..)
mother cliniically depressed…vegetable on couch, we dont talk, i say i love her she ignores me and says nothing, when i speak i might as well not bother, i dont want to see her clinically depressed anymore! i use to hear her cry, and thats the last thing a child wants their mother to be doing.

dad and me, best friends, but he is sad because mum is always taking his money and he works everyday then comes home and cooks and cleans and i try to help but he dosent notice and i dont want to see him sad anymore

my brotehr is disowned by my dad because he quit school stole 2 thousand doallrs form my dad twice and dad paid heaps of money to get him help but then sam got lazy and he wont get a job or anything and he smokes and all this other crap and he is also clinically depressed!

i help them in everyway i can! but i cant take a break from thinking abotu it cause that is selfish of me, to think of myself, and i dont get along with people my age and i dont want to

nothing is important to me anymore i dont want to do anything and things that were important to me arent anymore
and my mum has binge eating disorder and my dad exercises to the point were its dangerous and this has made me confused! and now im anorexic because i find my mother and food disgusting!

im not sure wether to be mad or sad or feel sorry for my mum and i think abot it aLL THE TIME! and thats whats confusing me! i want a mum! i want my dad back! *tears* sigh…and im moving schools next year going into year 9 and you know…i went from a sorta safe environment (at school that is
) to a not so safe one…its the summer holidays and…i have to much time to think and i cant live at my friends house!…and im always scared that someones going to kill themselves! sriously…and i just…i donno feel liek there should be something i can do although im doing everything i can! and i want my dad to leave my mum and i would go witht him because he deserves better but then i miss my bro and sis cause they will stay with her and she’ll think i dont love her and get even more depressed which i dont knwo how that is possible but i guess it is! and leik shes alresady tried to kill herself a few times! and once they did split and dad was alone becuase i couldnt live iwth him because he worked alot but now its NOT the day after my eleventh birthday im 151 i can take care of myself….sigh…
i feel trapped and chlosteraphobic, im never going to get out of this cycle you knwo the one thats like “im so selfish if i do anything for myself, this is my responsibity it will always be,fun!? excuse me who said you could have fun, not to mention why do you want fun your barely a teenager, you werent even a kid!” that cycle, and im lonely because…i just want a mum i would give up every once of sanity for them to be happy! i just them to be happy so bad…i dont want ot see them sad anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but they will always be that way…i dont even knwo how many times my mother has been to a phycologist or how many tablets shes on or how many times shes over dosed! and my dad had to go it alone while i was to young! and he bitches about my mum to my neighbours and thats just…not good, my mother is a child! and im the adult, its alwyas been that way. she didnt even earn to read or write or do anything becuase her parents neglected her which is what shes doing to me, i mean my siblings did need her more but i need her! i mean i could ener have her! i could ebevr do dancing til this year becuase of financial problems i sacrificed everything all my life, to amke it a little bit more convenient for them and thats why im moving schools because its easier for my mum because she can sleep in 20 minutes longer because shes happy when she sleeps!…
do you now see why my head is going to explode!?
help…amnd councellors are off limits because that w
would mean that my parents would find out! and that unnecessary stress and sadness and inconvenience i dont want to give them. sorry about my typos…i got overwhelmed…"

Source: http://www.howdoigetmydadoffdrugs.com/2010/03/10/ok-i-think-im-on-the-verge-of-a-mental-breakdownplease-please-help/

Maybe I’ll just kill myself

2010-03-09T17:19:00.000-08:00

"I think I have depression.

This isn’t something I’ve really thought seriously about before. I’ve always been treated like someone who’s in a bad mood or whatever, so I’ve always thought about myself as being ‘normal’ but at the same time someone who’s failing. A normal person who’s failing.

But, I can’t be normal. I can’t see how everyone else is just like me and can just brush everything to one side and be happy.

I’m rarely happy. A few things will momentarily make me very happy, but most of the time I’m not that way. Most of the time I’m not even sad… more… empty.

The old I get the more I find I just don’t care about anything. Social conventions, being popular, making an effort, eating properly, keeping clean, having a relationship, working hard… it’s all such a struggle because I just don’t care about any of it.

I used to. Or I thought I did. But now I could care less. I just want to pack up a laptop and some clothes and I want to run away from my life and just move to another country. Until my visitor via runs out, then I’d just go somewhere else.

As it is, I can’t do this. Not because of money - I work from home and I could go anywhere.

But because somehow I’ve gotten myself into the situation where I’m five months from getting married and my soon-to-be-wife is too ill, and seems to love me too much, to cope with me leaving.

I don’t feel much any more, but one emotion I can’t escape is guilt. And I don’t have the energy to actually end things and have to go through all the stress and guilt that comes with breaking up with someone. I’ve done it before, with my ex who I left to be with my current fiance, and I’ve not been the same since.

So, I’m stuck. I’m heading loveless into a marriage that I’m already switched off from, hoping that each day will be the one that brings to me the solution to end all my troubles, because I’m too depressed to work things out myself.

I just want to be free. I don’t want anyone any more. I want to be by myself. All my life I’ve been conditioned by the world around me to find love, find a soul mate, have kids, get married, make the marriage work… fuck all of that. Who fucking cares? All people do is hold you back, get you down or break your heart. No one can ever be happy when they put faith in someone else. You can only trust yourself.

It’s a pity I couldn’t have worked this out 12 years ago before embarking on a string of relationships that I thought I wanted, but, actually, when I think outside the box, I really don’t.

So am I depressed? If I had the time to work things out, would I be able to want to be in love again and have someone? Or do I have everything worked out right now?

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just kill myself."

Source: http://confessions.grouphug.us/confessions/950331498

I’m 15 years old and tried to off myself a few weeks ago

2010-03-08T16:01:00.000-08:00

"I’m 15 years old and tried to off myself a few weeks ago.

I write about everything in my diary, including a suicide note and how I tried to kill myself and how I started cutting. Well, me and my mom got into a fight one day, and she said that if I don’t tell her why I was going down this destructive path, then she would read my Diary. After she started reading I couldn’t hold it in anymore and started to cry and panic. I basically freaked out. My mom calmed me down and started crying with me and holding me and telling e everything would be okay. So lets see whats happened to me:

It all started Sophomore year.
In November I had just confessed to my mom tht my step dad molested me for a year when I was 11. (By this time he was living in another state)

My Grandmother died two days before christmas from natural causes.

My older sister died less than a month afterward.

My step dad was found is in jail at the moment. I might end up having to testify at the court date which is about a year from now.

One of my best friends just suddenly dropped me and stoped talking to me. Not wanting to friends anymore. When I tried to talk to her about it she just said that she had a bad feeling about me.

My grades dropped severely and when my mom found out I was no longer allowed to be a part of the family. I ate dinner by myself in the kitchen and stayed in my room the rest of the day.

I then couldnt take it anymore and made a plan to kill myself that night using pills. So that way no one would find me since everyone would be asleep. I talked myself out of it.

Well I’m going to get help soon. There are two options:
Anti-depressants or
Inpatient Therapy.

Is it okay for me to want inpatient therapy? I mean, I want to talk about my feelings to my friends and other people my age, but I cant at school because I dont want to come off as an attention whore.

P.S. I do see a counselor every week. But the week I wanted to die, she was on vacation….."

Source: http://www.antiagingarticles.cn/?p=4173

I sleep on thorns

2010-03-07T17:49:00.001-08:00

"Hello sleeping in the middle of doing assignments! I need to get myself a table filled with thorns so that when I do fell asleep, I sleep on thorns. Slept while thinking of possible designs for an… apse. But forget that. I had a disturbing dream. One that might or might not reflect my current mental state. Even before anything happened, I was already aware I was in a dream. Or at least, I should have been considering I was seeing myself. I was sitting on my bed, Japanese style and oddly enough, wondering, how good it would be to die. Regrets? I had none. So, MAGICALLY, I brought up my hand which wield a kitchen knife and held the handle with both my hands with the blade facing towards my chest. Oddly enough yet again, I was thinking, I wonder if it hurts, but that though quickly got thrown to the side with just a, oh well, I’ll die soon anyway, and with a slight hesitation, I brought the knife to my chest and I even wondered, should I scream? It’s painful. I thought it was wise for me to scream but it seemed laughable so I just slumped to one side and waited for the pain to subside. Rather than my vision disappearing hazily, it was suddenly all black. My eyes were still open though (mind you, as stated before I was looking at myself). It felt so nice just lying there in that place. The black felt comforting and the void, reassuring.

And THAT, was when I got back to reality, waking up in front of my laptop, with a pencil in hand. I kind of pondered but I don’t think I’m that depressed enough to kill myself yet but the thought of not needing to worry about things anymore and the comfort and satisfaction felt when I was lying there in that realm of black felt right. Wouldn’t it be boring just lying down in a place where darkness and light did not exist? Just you, and all the black. But in the dream, it felt right. I didn’t have any regrets, I didn’t have any lingering feelings, I felt not happiness, not sadness but just a state of calmness.

No, I still have far too much to do before I leave this world :)

But, maybe I am depressed…"

Source: http://nanas.gla-la-lam.com/?p=343

I'm slowly losing my mind

2010-03-06T18:35:00.000-08:00

"It feels like I'm slowly losing my mind. I don't know how to explain this. I still have a firm grip on reality, though. I don't know...I honestly can't explain it. I think I've been having some suicidal ideation, but I'm not sure. I have not been feeling like I want to do it. It's not really an option for me, but I've been curious about it. I don't really want to commit suicide...I don't want to die. I guess I want to just sell everything and go somewhere far away. Start over. I feel like everyone in my life has caused me some sort of pain and they just aren't worth it right now. I'm very disappointed with my life and how it has turned out. I'm almost 30 and I have nothing. No family of my own, no relationship (I think I inadvertetnly destroyed my last and most meaningful one). In the past two years, I have blown over $15,000 in savings trying to support me and my ex after she lost her job. I live paycheck to paycheck on a very good salary. I have maxed out credit cards that were previously payed off and can't even afford to make the minimum payments. I now have a strained relationship with my family when we had a wonderful relationship. I'm in school and I have absolutely no drive to complete my assignments. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and am now seriously considering medication because I don't think I can do it on my own anymore. I feel like I can't function as an adult. I feel like I can't do anything right. If I'm cleaning the house, everything else falls to the wayside. If I'm working on my finances, then the house is not clean. Why can't I do what it is that I'm supposed to do as an adult?? It's embarrasing and I'm tired of being ashamed of myself. I don't know what is happening to me, but I'm so tired of it. I just want to start over. I want to cut ties with everyone and just walk away. I think it would be better, and I almost don't care what anyone else would think or feel about it. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. It's so hard. I'm tired of being in constant pain. I'm tired of no one understanding me. I'm tired of the crying...I wish I could just turn my emotions off. Nobody else cares, so why do I have to? Why can't I be as uncaring as everyone else???"

Source: http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/Time-I-ve-Admitted-This-t43737.html

My life is kinda screwed up

2010-03-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

"I just turned 14 and my mom kicked me out a day before my birthday. She hit me and stuff but before that i was always really sad and i would purposly hurt myself…My life is kinda screwed up right now and i had a pill problem but kicked it and theres a lot of shit going on. i was wondering what the symptons are for depression because i really want to kill myself but don’t want to leave behind my girlfriend. I triend once before and my mom walked in…idk"

Source: http://www.depression.cz.cc/about-depression/depression-symptoms.html

What chance do I have?

2010-03-04T15:57:00.001-08:00

"There’s been a couple of recent high-profile celebrity suicides. Earlier this month, celebrated fashion designed Alexander McQueen hanged himself in his London home at the age of 40. Then this week, actor Andrew Koenig was found dead from suicide in Vancouver after being missing for several days. These are just the most recent – there’s also David Foster Wallace, Spaulding Gray, Kurt Cobain, Ian Curtis, back to Diane Arbus, Anne Sexton, Sylvia Plath.

Of course, there are a lot of people who commit suicide who don’t make international headlines and don’t get websites doing slideshow retrospectives of their careers and bodies of work. But I don’t always know about those – it’s only the celebrities or the dramatic suicides (burning down a house while inside it to avoid foreclosure, for example) that come to my attention through the media. And every single time it happens, it stops me in my tracks.

These events remind me that the monster of depression can always get you. No matter how creative and inspired you are. No matter how much admiration and respect you earn from the fashion industry, the music industry, the world at large. No matter how privileged and rich you are. No matter how well known your struggles with depression are, no matter how many friends and strangers love and support you, no matter ho many people feel your loss. No matter how many years you’ve spent running from the monster. It can always catch you. It can always kill you. You are never and can never be safe.

I follow the twitters and blogs of a lot of alternative comedy people and the past week has been filled with concern about Koenig’s disappearance and ferverent please for help in finding him and making sure he was ok. This is even more notable from the comedy crowd who tweet only silly and humorous things and have essentially broken character to express their concern and love for Koenig. While I realize I can’t tell whether Koenig had actual love and support in his life just from reading a tweet from Doug Benson, I can see that there was a network of people who were really worried about him and who seem deeply affected by his loss.

If I committed suicide, it wouldn’t make any headlines. I’ve done a lot of work of which I’m very proud, but it wouldn’t be reviewed and featured on the Huffington Post. And certainly a generation of people wouldn’t have vivid memories of where they were when they heard about my death, as exists for Cobain. (I was in a car with my dad on Folsom Ave. in Boulder, C0lorado, driving south, when I heard it announced on the radio.) So the fact that the monster overtook these celebrities makes me feel even more vulnerable to succumbing.

Everything they did, everything they had, it didn’t help them. Couldn’t save them. What chance do I have?"

Source: http://disabledfeminists.com/2010/02/26/i-cant-handle-celebrity-suicides/

Choose Light over Darkness

2010-03-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

"My whole life I've had depression. I can remember being ten years old and reading in a Snoopy health book for kids that we lose between 30,000-40,000 skin cells each day. I was crushed. The idea that a tiny holocaust was taking place on my body every single day was too much to bear. I cried and cried. And then I laid in bed, numb. I had no desire to play or talk to anyone. There was no hope in this world. I might as well be one of those skin cells, lost in the abyss of nothingness.

Yeah, I was kind of an intense kid.

And it's funny in hindsight. Sorta. I mean, looking back on past troubles can often be humorous in a "Oh, what was I thinking? Why was I so upset about that?" self-deprecating kind of way. And there's something to be said for black humor. But there's also something to be said for depression.

Depression is an evil, elusive motherfucker. It comes in all different forms. Not everyone battling depression stereotypically retreats from the world, sleeps all day, drops out of school, misses work and all that. Sometimes it's this ever-present itch deep inside. It's a general ennui or Meh that dulls your senses and interests. It's not severe enough to draw attention to yourself, even to yourself. You might just think you're bored. Or lazy. Hell, maybe you are.

And maybe you think, "What do I have to be depressed about? I had a decent childhood. I have a decent job and a decent social life. There are people out there who have it much worse off than I do. I shouldn't complain." You feel guilty for being momentarily self-absorbed.

And maybe you try not to think about it too much, because what's the point? So you toss back a few beers each night or a few whiskeys each weekend, or maybe you smoke a few bowls here and there or just watch movie after movie to keep the numbness going. Or maybe to get rid of the numbness, you cut. Or fuck. Anyone. Just to feel something. Maybe you stop and start projects but can never finish. Maybe you're stuck and don't know how to move forward. So you wait. And wait.

And you might think, "Yeah, I had a pretty shitty father. And yeah, I was raped that one time. And sure I don't know of a single happily married couple that could serve as a role model for a good, worthwile, long-term relationship. And some days my self-esteem all over the place, but hey, that's life, right? Shit happens. Nothing's perfect. You live and learn and make the best of it."

And all those things are very true.

But something else is very true as well. It starts off as a tiny pea inside your brain, or perhaps in the back of your throat. You know it's there because it tastes slightly metallic and pinches from time to time. And if you let your guard down, it might retract it's tiny thorns just enough to slip down into your chest where it swells, warm and misty, and you hear it deep in your gut:

You don't have to suffer.

You shouldn't have to live like this.

There is another way.

There came a point in my life where I was so depressed I realized there were only two options. Get help or kill myself. Because the pain was so great I couldn't bear it anymore. I consider myself really lucky to have hit that point, actually. Many people never get that low, instead they hoover at this semi-tolerable level of depression. They can still go to work, still maintain relationships, still live for the most part normal lives. Perhaps they have bad spells, but they are so used to them by now they just chalk them up to a part of who they are. And worse, they believe that it's an integral part of who they are and they begin to pride themselves on it. "I'm dark," or "I'm a lone wolf," "I'm different," "I'm special," "No one understands me and I like it that way."

But are you happy? You might say sure. But hell, do you even know what happiness feels like? How would you if you have been dealing with this blah, this restlessness for so long?

I think I've been in this place for a long time now. It's not the sweeping, drastic, violent depression of years ago. But this might be worse. I'm ok enough to rationalize, to make excuses, to not be completely honest with myself. But two things have now become clear.

I don't want to suffer.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

I sat down on Saturday with my phone in my hand and a phone number in my other. And even though I've been through this before, even though I've promoted this and confidently helped others through it. Hell, I've even worked as a first-responder rape councilor myself. But no matter what your personal level of experience is with it, there is nothing, nothing that ever makes it any easier to make that phone call. To say those words. "I need help."

It has to be one of the hardest things a person can do.

And it has to be one of the bravest, strongest things a person can do.

Choose Light over Darkness.

I called the number and I made an appointment with a therapist. I did it."

Source: http://yourenotthebossofme-jsn.blogspot.com/

Death, please find me

2010-03-01T16:38:00.001-08:00

"Maybe he’s emotionally abusive. But maybe I’m just as bad.

I can’t deal with how much I’ve hurt him. I can’t deal with being without him, with him refusing to talk to me.

Even if, somehow, he did manage to forgive me, where could it possibly go? Back to what we were before? No. He’s still married. And I still have a wonderful man living with me who cares about me and wants to patch things up despite what happened with this person.

There is no way past this. I want what’s impossible and every day is either numb self-delusion or the agony of staring reality in the face. I don’t want to forget him. I don’t ever want to forget that I was so happy, or trusted someone so much, or felt so loved. It’s unthinkable.

Apart from being universally hated and spat on by every other child in my school for ten years, I had a happy childhood. None of this horrible parental stuff, no abuse. It was just living like a social pariah at school, day in, day out, that got me into the suicide clinic when I was 16.

I have no self-esteem. No self-worth. No sense of honor or dignity. If I did, I’d leave this man alone to his family and go to the man who wants me. I’d stop cutting myself and knocking myself out with Ambien. I’d stop scaring the people who care about me.

I don’t want to wake up again. I don’t want the slightest chance of ever waking up to this reality again, and every single method carries that risk – along with the risk that you’ll have been discovered, have hurt everyone, and have made the reality That Much Worse than it was before.

Death, please find me. He wants me to have killed myself, and I can’t do it for him. Please make us both happy, and take me away."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-dont-see-a-way-out/

It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change

2010-02-28T16:49:00.000-08:00

"Had a quick glance at my discharge letter. Lots of medical mumbo jumbo, though luckily having friends in medical school means it wasn’t too hard to figure out, and the things they didn’t know Google did! The letter sheds no light on why they thought I needed a chest x-ray, so that’s still pretty baffling, as is the fact that it talks about depression/low mood when I told every doctor I saw that I was feeling okay.

I didn’t try to kill myself because I was depressed, I tried to kill myself simply because I was too scared to be alive. The paranoia, the peculiar experiences, they don’t depress me. Maybe they should, but they don’t. They tire me out, yes. They terrify me, yes. But I am still able to laugh. I am still able to enjoy things. I am not depressed. I was a depressed teenager, I know what it feels like, and I know that this is not it. If only someone would listen to me, aftter all I do know myself better than anyone else.

The elusive crisis team finally paid a visit today, was a waste of time as expected – the woman they sent was here for all of five minutes, she asked the standard questions, seemed pleased when I told her I hadn’t had thoughts of harming myself (lies) hadn’t been scared by books/television/music (lies) and was taking my medication regularly (more lies). She complimented me on my hair and my dress though, so she gets bonus points for that, it’s nice to know that the effort I put into actually getting out of my pyjamas today was appreciated! She did suggest I should get out of the house a bit more, seeing as I haven’t left since I got home from hospital, but that’s not going to happen. Leaving the house is too stressful and if I’m honest, too much effort. I’ve got an appointment on Tuesday, which will probably take all my energy; I won’t be leaving the house before then. The meeting is actually with both the crisis team and the Early Intervention service, and she thinks that as long as I’m fine on Tuesday I’ll be discharged back to them. I will be fine. I am fine. Or at least, I’m really good at pretending, so either way I won’t have them to deal with anymore.

It’s not that I don’t want to be honest with the crisis team; it’s just that I can’t. Admitting to certain thoughts/feelings would make a hospital stay unavoidable, and I know any length of time spent as an inpatient would be detrimental to my mental health. Besides, spending time in hospital wouldn’t stop me from hurting myself, it might delay it, but the outcome would remain the same.

I am considering asking for a change in key-worker. My actual key-worker is on maternity leave, and has been since about November, I think, I know she’s due back around May. The man who has taken over from her, I have only met once, which isn’t particularly promising considering the amount of time she’s been gone. He is a nice enough man; it’s just that I don’t feel I’ll ever be able to open up to him. He only works for the Early Intervention Service a couple of days a week, so it’s really hard to catch him, and well, I just don’t think we ‘click’. I think I would feel more comfortable talking to a woman; apart from my CAMHS psychologist I have never really worked well with a man. He’s not going to be in the meeting on Tuesday because he has lots of ‘crisis stuff’ to attend to, so maybe I will bring it up with the psychiatrist then and see what he thinks. I probably won’t have the guts; I always feel terrible for upsetting or offending anybody – one of the reasons I didn’t tell my psychiatrist how bad things were getting was because I liked seeing him smile thinking he’d done a good job!

In other news, I’m getting a little obsessed with everything Alice In Wonderland in the lead up to the release of the film. Tomorrow I am ordering the most beautiful Alice inspired journal, a pocketwatch pendant, and a tea party charm bracelet. Happiness!

‘It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.’"

Source: http://thesunshinediaries.wordpress.com/

The feelings dont stop

2010-02-27T17:30:00.000-08:00

"i dont want to be like this but the feelings dont stop they get worse it is the reason my wife left me and my kids dont respect me
i cant enjoy any thing any more icant watch tv go out with my frinds they tell me i bring them down , i do want a real life but at this age i dont think there is hope for me , i been this way as long as i can remember my wife helped me alot and got me through a lot of bad times but she left me because she got tired of all the bs , now i have no one and dont want to live anymore"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/i-want-do-die-but-i-cant-kill-myself-i-am-45-years-old-and-i-have-felt-this-way-all-my-life-but-now-its-getting-worse-/

Somedays I wish that I were blind so that I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror

2010-02-26T19:26:00.000-08:00

"Somedays I wish that I were blind so that I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror. I hate how disgusting that I am, and I hate how people lie to me and tell me how cute, sexy or beautiful I am. I can't see any of those qualities in me..alls i can see is my fat thighs..arms..my fat everything. I want to see my bones, free myself of this shell and become beautiful."

Source: http://momochi856.blogspot.com/

I want to feel better but i can’t

2010-02-25T13:30:00.001-08:00

"I have bi polar disorder and i’m 19 years old and i am really angry and depressed right now because my life sucks and everything is not good at all. I can’t seem to have any of the good things, i want to drive so i took the driver’s permit test i fail two times in a row and looks like there is no hope of driving a car because i can’t remember what i’ve read in the book. I’ve also always wanted a girlfriend but when i tried asking girls out, they said that i am ugly and one girl said that she wanted to throw up just when she looked at me. It hurts my feelings that no girls are intrested in me and i’m very depressed because of that. Recently, my parents brought home a puppy and it seems to get rid of my depression a little bit until the dog had problems when it pooped out worms and now they want to get rid of it even though they took it to the vet already and had shots for prevention. What could i do about my depression that is interfering with my life ? I feel so sad and depressed because of this situation, what could i do so i could feel better again ? I’ve tried some home remedies for depressino but it is not working. Would there still be any chance of finding a girlfriend after getting rejected all of the time ? Could anyone please help me out ? I want to feel better but i can’t and i feel like i want to kill myself to get out of this misery !"

Source: http://unibersus.com/2010/02/25/what-could-i-do-about-my-bi-polar-depression-that-is-interfering-with-my-life/

Im so lost

2010-02-24T18:22:00.000-08:00

"If i try again tomorrow, it will be attempt number 7 on my life. i live with minor brain damage and ADD and am fucking depressed, none of my “friends” talk to me and when i try and talk to them they dont pick up the phone or reply, im only 18 and moved out of home, i cant get into uni and missed out on tafe no one will hire me so im fucked, i contemplate suicide everyday and research methods online, i see other people talking about prevention, how to get help, how they can relate to shit, i think its all bullshit, i dont even know why im posting this, im so lost, i think ill buy a pipe and kill myself by co2 poisoning.. but then i wont."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-just-need-a-gun-and-a-bullet/

I just need to talk to someone who can understand

2010-02-23T16:07:00.000-08:00

"why are people so mean? Im not making this up, I ran into a girl I knew from high school the other day...and she saw that im still having a very hard time with my OCD and panic disorders...and she was always mean...but she told me that OCD is fake and its all in my head and that I should just kill myself because everyone is sick of me and that my sister would be better off if I were dead.......ive been in tears over this for a few days....it really upset me because I almost feel shes right......How can someone be so mean.....sorry this post is kinda pointless I just need to talk to someone who can understand. im sorry."

Source: http://community.livejournal.com/o_c_d/508292.html

I live in what I call a hell hole

2010-02-22T20:24:00.000-08:00

"Hi, im 17 year old and I live in what I call a hell hole with my dad, twin brother, step mom, and 2 half siblings. I’ve always had problems living with my dad but it all went south when my dad got married. He started believing that people were trying to kill him with voodoo and so he married this woman a year ago to “protect us”. Then he started accusing me of stealing her stuff, using her stuff without permission, and even trying to kill him. He says that my mom (who lives in a different state) and I team up to put things around the apt to cause harm.

I am severely depressed and I was hospitalized a month ago after I called a suicide hotline and told the lady what I wanted to do to myself. And the only I called the hotline was because I repeatedly told my dad about my suicidal thoughts, and how depressed I am, and he said to leave him alone and if I wanted to continue to cut, I could until I bleed o death and he’ll just take me to the hospital. He moved over this past summer without telling me or my brother (we were at our mom’s house) so I have no one to talk to here.

The house is soo dirty, not just clothes and dirt…its like waste. And food, garbage all over this house, it makes me sick literally…im having stomach issues because don’t want to go to the bathroom, or anywhere else in this place. Im so scared of it..Im a germaphobe and so coming home after school makes me soo anxious and I want to cry. After I came home from the hospital..they gave me this discharge plan and I was put on medication there because of an anxiety attack.

The discharge plan said that I was to be placed in an intensive out patient program, and that didn’t happen because my dad says its stupid….2 weeks before my medication was finished I told him that and he just ignored me and so now my meds are done and it’s been a week. He doesn’t seem to care that I need a psychiatrist to monitor my meds. All I get here is threatened like “im gonna break ur neck”, “u’ll see what ill do to you”, “leave and don’t come back” name called like stupid, idiot, useless. I cant stay here anymore, I know im almost out but this is too much..the more I stay here the more suicidal I get and the more I want to cut. Do I even have any options as a 17 y/o? Please help me..thank you for your time"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/so-depressed-and-no-way-out/

Im gonna die soon

2010-02-21T15:09:00.000-08:00

"i been depressed a lot lately, because of ma family . i feel that nobody in my life support me everybody hates me its too hard for me, they always say im stooped they always want me to suffer. cant take it anymore. im not really smart in school i always have trouble studying because of my family. so im asking everybody to tell me if overdosing on sleeping pills the painless way to die. im gonna die soon."

Source: http://naturalinsomniacures.net/is-overdosing-on-sleeping-pills-the-painless-way-to-die.htm

I wish I weren't me right now

2010-02-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

"I cried a lot last night. Chris helplessly sat by and stroked my hair and asked me what he could do to help.

Like I had written earlier, I kinda woke up feeling depressed and tried not to cry as I was heading to work. Felt let down by that test I took. Was getting pissed that the people in my office are speaking Spanish in front of me. I've tried twice to hint to them in a nice way that I'd like to know what they're saying/feel included, but it's not working.

Last night I was just sucked into the suicidal thoughts. I planned to transfer all my money in my bank account to my sister, since she could use the money, and it was convenient. I wanted to get away when Chris played games Sunday, so that I could be someplace away from the house and kill myself. I ran the options in my head...jumping off a bridge, getting in front of a train, hanging myself, cutting myself with an Exacto knife...this was it. There was no point in waiting anymore, just do it. Everyone would be sad/shocked/devastated, but they'd get over it. I would soon be forgotten. Chris could move on somehow.

Things that I was sorta looking forward to last week: getting married, having a kid. Chris asked me if I wanted those things anymore and I replied, "No."

I thought, I should call the crisis line or go to the hospital, but why would I do that if I wanted to go? that would hinder my "efforts" I thought about my lil sister, on how just last week I told her not to keep suicidal thoughts a secret and to tell her doctor to adjust her medications, etc. She'd see what a hypocrite I was after I kill myself.

Today will be the third day that I haven't taken my Cymbalta. My sister wasn't able to go pick up my new bottle this week. I should make an appt with a doctor in SD, like, Monday and regularly get my pills here...I just don't have a doctor yet, and lazy about finding one and making an appt and taking time off work to go. I don't think skipping a few days should make me feel so damn crappy, so I think it's just circumstance.

"What would make you happy?" Chris asked. "If I wasn't here" or "nothing"

He later went to the market to get cupcake cups to bake cupcakes a day early. He asked me if I wanted anything and all I wanted were some cheddar and sour cream potato chips. he came back wanting to give me a treat, but i refused. after I had calmed down I was curious and asked him what it was-Girl Scout Somoa and Thin Mint cookies. We shared some and I felt a little better.

I woke up feeling okay, better. I dreamt that I went to a concert with friends, and was traveling abroad and meeting people. then I was shopping in a furniture consignment/thrift store. I woke up with the weird thought that I could open up my own furniture consignment store. I'd enjoy looking for furniture at flea markets and thrift stores and reselling them. I'd need money to start, and there would be no guarantee that I'd make money or be successful.

As Chris snoozed this morning I cuddled him and stroked his soft back. I felt like I could live just to enjoy him. But it's not always that I love him/appreciate him like this. I wish I were more consistent. I'm going to do something compulsive, and it'd be a waste. When I'm depressed/suicidal, I can't hold on to what little joys I have or could have.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't have to work, and have a house to take care of my family and not have to deal with the outside world. So unrealistic. So unfair...

I don't enjoy being around my friends. It's just that I wish I did, as I used to. Going out and doing stuff in general is a chore.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate this feeling. I feel so out of place wherever I go. I wonder if I'd feel better living in a totally different place. The other day I had the thought of moving to, say, France, and starting a new life. Then my negative thoughts come: I'd hate it there...I wouldn't know anybody, and not knowing the language would make it doubly frustrating. I want a new life. I wish I weren't me right now."

Source: http://hypo-mechanic.livejournal.com/

I don't know how to stop feeling like I'm the single worst person in the world

2010-02-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

"Hey everyone
before I get into this I want to warn everyone I'm only 14, because I know a lot of people on the site don't like the stuff dealig with teens. Anyways, I hHave serious self confidence issues... And I know I'm not the only one. Every time I see a picture of myself or look in the mirror I have to fight to hold back tears. And even though I'm the biggest believer in love, I feel strongly that no guy would ever fall in love with a girl like me. Everytime I think about who I am I feel like Im going to throw up... And I used to cut myself. I cry all the time and I barely have any friends left. I feel like I have nothing to live for in my smallass town. Please please comment if you've been through something like this or how you've gotten over it. I'm tired of being this way, but I don't know how to stop feeling like I'm the single worst person in the world. And if you don't have any advice, but care enuf about me and anyone else experiencing these issues who may read this, vote up. I just can't live this life anymore"

Source: http://breakkup.com/with-me/serious-self-confidence-issues/

Why the hell am i so invisible?

2010-02-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

"i’m so fed up. I cant do this shit anymore. Why the hell am i so invisible? I give everyone all the attention they need and in the end when i need it they don’t even notice stupid little me. I hate it when my parents see my hardest earned grades and tell me i could do better when they dont even have time to help me…i hate it when my sister totally ignores me and tells me go kill myself everytime i get depressed…i hate it when i imply something about him and he says thats the same with his gf…i hate it when i’m home alone 24/7…i hate it when my family critisizes my physical appearance….i hate it when people say mean things 2 be even if theyre joking, I hate it that my best friends keep talking about their issues with their boyfriends n asking me 4 advice on their life when i just wana die…I hate it when i just want you to ask me how i am and you start complaining about your own life…I hate it when he duznt realize that all i wana do is be there 4 him and how much i want him 2 want me but everything is that bitch….I HATE LIFEE AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!! I wana die!!! I’m not strong enough to live…and why live when no1 notices me any way. no one sees m e and I hate that. I hate them. Dear God…please take me…"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/just-so-invisible/

My life is nothing

2010-02-17T17:29:00.001-08:00

"I registered here almost 2 years ago.
But my progress is still close to none.
I think that for people like me there is no more hope.
I can not take control on my brain on my stupid thoughts constantly running through this damn brain.

During this 2 years I read plenty of material from "naturals" hoped that i will become one of them.
Plenty of Zan, brent rion williams, david x...and if there was even minimal change - it was only for few moments.
It was like some spark telling me that next time it will be better but it wasn't.

I have this knowledge.
But I can not apply it.

And now there is one girl.
I know that I shouldn't be outcome dependent.
Sometimes I am not, sometimes I am.

When I thinking about outcome - that I want to be with her - shit happens to my head.
I am like searching for validation.This is so damn terrible feeling, later in home I am thinking and analyzing every single word she told me searching for signs like " she likes you".
But every time result is "she don't like you, you are shit".
But I know that I should have perspective - "Do I like her ?" and receiving everything as sign that she likes me.
But i can't.
I cant believe in myself.
I feel this pressure in my heart that I can not even breath.

Sometimes when I talk to her I am not even me, I'm doing things and talk just for looking validation, to make her like me.
I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.
with no result.
I feel that she feel that I am only pretending.
Later I want to kill myself for being such stupid asshole.

When single thing happen like she laugh and this is honest and we talk and I am in the moment, not thinking about outcome and then I back to home - this moments are making my days shining.I feel like a king, plenty of smile people asking why I am so happy. Everything is awesome.
But if there are days like yesterday - she is tired and not smiling much and I am pretending for her, thinking about outcome, constantly thinking "does she like me" - then I feel like shit.
I am sad as hell.
I don't even want to do anything.
I would like to just cry and cry or better - kill myself.really i think that my life is nothing worth.Really i am not only writing it, this thoughts really goes through my head.
I wont do it.I wont kill myself.
But i don't want to live.
This whole interaction with her is just validation seeking.
I am putting her on pedestal, my happiness depend on her.
I am one big shit hate myself for that.
There is no hope for people like me, really.I can not apply anything in my life.

Even I don't know why I am writing this.
You people on this forum gave me so good advises, but I can not apply it.
I am good only in being bad and screwing everything."

Source: http://www.naturalgame.com/showthread.php?t=7673

Sometimes I try and think of how it'll be - nothingness

2010-02-16T19:24:00.001-08:00

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel empty inside and can't feel emotion. I'm lashing out at a lot of people around me, and closing myself off from others. My job is soul crushing. I went into it straight from school, and have never had "A break" so to speak.

Do I deserve one? Do others get breaks. I feel selfish for wanting one.

I feel like a cloud is inside my head. I used to be intelligent. I feel anything but that now.

I feel like I am going insane. Then I think my head is making it all up, and I'm not insane. I don't know what to believe. I saw a face on my wall a few weeks ago. A kid who was killed in Chernobyl. He blamed me, and showed me what he would look like had I not killed him.

I have such vivid dreams. Would it be a bad thing to sleep, dream and never wake up?

I've been holding my head and my life together with sellotape for a long time now, but I don't think I can do it anymore.

I have pills due to arrive tomorrow. I want to take them all and put an end to this life.

Sometimes I try and think of how it'll be - nothingness. My mind boggles at the thought, but it is not too far away from what I feel now

I have an appointment with a counselor, but don't see the point in going. I'll either lie, or close myself off to her. I can't stop doing this

I need help, Reddit. You guys are the smartest people I know."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/b2x6r/i_feel_empty/

I’ve felt the wind of the wing of madness

2010-02-15T19:27:00.001-08:00

"I’m not mad, but I’m aware that it sounds sexier.

No one wants to hear the ravings of depression, but madness, now that sells tickets. As a source of entertainment madness has always been a blockbuster. Depression on the other hand, sounds more like a disease, if not a lame excuse of one, and has never attracted the same quality and quantity of public attention. Were I mad, I could hurl invectives at the world and command awe, cheer even. Not with depression. With depression I’m only allowed minced oaths under my breath, if that. People look for florid causatives in a mental disease, an all consuming hole in the brain, or a charismatic tumor, or an electrical storm. A small chemical imbalance or a small whatever it is that causes depression, doesn’t the crowds please.

And that’s when I use the phrase insanely depressed. I’ve noticed that people like it. It turns more heads than suicidally depressed for example; perhaps because suicide like depression has little entertainment value. The word insane takes control of the phrase and takes the focus off of depression and presto everyone is interested in what I’ve to say. I say, “I’ll kill myself, but maybe I’ll bite the doctor’s nose before I do” and everyone is looking at me.

In the bottomless abyss of depression , I’ve tried to look at positive events in my life and ended up concluding them as negative, which confirms that you can’t but look through the lens of the present moment. I believe that irrational feelings felt in deep depression are'nt any different from lunatic paranoia or psychosis. It may not be hallucinations of the senses, but it is hallucinations of the internal model of the world. The depressed person’s brain doesn’t see a bonafide balance of black and white, instead it finds everything in a sordid shade of dark dark gray. A cheerful, sun drenched, cloudless day feels like a gray drizzle. If this isn’t false coloring the world then what is?

Extreme forms of depression are no different than livid insanity. And in that bottomless pit of disorientation, “I’ve felt the wind of the wing of madness”."

Source: http://anambivalentlife.blogspot.com/

I want to stop but i can't

2010-02-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

"I have a bad problem with cutting and breaking my arms. I'm so depressed all the time that it's a everyday thing. I want to stop but i can't the depression is just so bad its like i can't live with out doing it. I broke my arm last night and almost my leg to. I just don't know what to do anymore"

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/90208-i-need-help-badly.html

I feel alone

2010-02-13T13:30:00.001-08:00

"Hello..I have been dealing with depression for many years by myself.I hide it from my wife ab family because I don't want to burden them with my problems.I have a family that loves me but yet I feel alone."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/i-have-lost-the-will-to-live/14336824/

I really need a help!

2010-02-12T18:17:00.001-08:00

"I want to kill myself. What is the easiest way to do that? I just can't take it anymore. Life is pointless for me. But I am not sure how to die. To cut my veins or to take too much drugs... Why I want to die? Well, I am a creative person and I've always wanted to be a designer or an illustrator. I can draw very good. But my parents think that this is a bad job, and didn't let me go to the designer program. They want me to be a nurse, because they think this is the best job in the world. I hate everything related to medicine and I've never wanted to be a nurse. They were yelling at me, not talking to me, hurting me with words when I told them that I don't want to be a nurse. So my parents forced me to go to the practical nursing program. It's week five of my studying and I hate this program. It's not interesting and difficult for me! I feel so depressed. I don't want to be a nurse. I tried to talk about it with my parents but they just didn't listen to me. They said I wouldn't be their daughter if I quit this nursing program. So, I just don't know what to do... Now I just want to die. Every day I feel worse and worse. I can't study on this program anymore. Please tell me how should I kill myself? I really need a help!"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/i-want-to-die-what-is-the-easiest-way-to-do-that/

Everything inside of me is almost frozen and eerily still

2010-02-11T17:17:00.001-08:00

"I feel so subdued, though I can hear my heart’s still beating but I can no longer feel a thing. My mind finally stopped wandering but my soul ceased to feel any kind of desire – everything inside of me is almost frozen and eerily still. I hardly recognized my own self – the me I know bleeds emotionally to death but now I’m just almost hollow.

The scars engraved on my wrists no longer remind me of my pain. They’re just as insignificant as my futile suicide attempt & as pointless as my life. It feels as though I’m in a buffer zone where everything is so indifferent and it made me feel so vacant. I am the void that will swallow everything about me, anything around me into total nothingness, exactly like what a black hole does.

Everytime I gaze into the mirror, I take a good look at myself – just to ensure that I haven’t vanished, I touch my cheeks, my lips everytime just to corroborate that I am real, that I can still feel physical touch. Last nite, I decided to read my old journals just to revive the pain that has damaged me before. There’s a saying, when you can still feel the pain, you at least know that you’re somehow alive. And so, I did just the same thing. I could feel my tears flowing as soon as I opened my old journal but my heart just felt so numb. What’s wrong with me now?

Am I on my way to full recovery or it’s just another vicious cycle that I have to go thru after yet another full-blown depression? I seriously can’t tell the difference this time when everything is so hazy, when I don’t even know my self… "

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/need-an-angel-to-heal-me/

Fuck you world

2010-02-10T16:42:00.001-08:00

"I'm not depresed or anything. I just can't continue to live in this world of stupidity. Stupid people stupid things it's all stupid!

Fuck you world."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/b0j4n/good_bye_stupid_world/

Stuck with too much hell on my plate

2010-02-09T11:04:00.001-08:00

"It was his birthday. They said I looked depressed.

Another day I let slip through my fingers. (I went to the bathroom stall...it was my period after all)

I contemplated how I'd fuck it up later (not him of course....no I'm not a whore)

No, I was seriously just kidding myself (because who else was I but ignored?)

I thought about the white not black. The spaces that I lacked. or....

He pretended to pay for my tab. 15 dollars or more

And then I walked back while he followed me up the road

To tell me I deserved to live not die

Like a movie....but not one I could even write

"Snitch!" The students yelled. It was mostly Patrick.

If I have issues, one of them is that I'm not really a loud mouth.

But what do you do, when the police confront you?

Rudy says that it was meant to be. Everything happens for a reason....

(so why did I accidentally call my dad when Rudy was giving me his number?

How did that happen? It must've meant something....

But my dad was worried. He said he heard the conversation

But he never said stay away from that man...he just said "He sounded concerned")

I admit I've been burned

On thursday they searched my room, and took me to the police station.

Confined me in a room and interrogated me about who sold me----

and it came tumbling out like all the prescription pills....

That I'm vowing to no longer take. They say "you're empty"

I'm no Sylvia Plath, and ovens are not cool to me.

And people can tell when I'm baked.

You get too lost in yourself, too vain, and your veins run dry.

I'll never take drugs again...20 people are my enemy.

I left the bar at about 11 pm. And Rudy ran after me

He caught up and caught his breath and he's 15 years older than I

He told me, never give up....because he thought I was going to

Kill myself? Well when people harass you so much

You'd like to do it sometimes, but I'm someone else

And I don't kill myself because of what people say or do.

They can laugh, make fun of me. They deserve their punishments

And I'm glad they're in trouble because they don't deserve

My sticking up for them....when it's 3 am again and I'm awake

Stuck with too much hell on my plate

Attempted murder, acid, alcohol, pot, suicide,

I'll skip out on the ride. What's on the inside?"

Source: http://jaggedpilldiaries.blogspot.com/

I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m practically drowning in my own thoughts.

2010-02-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

"So…
I am 14 years old and female. I’m not stupid; I’m in all honors classes and maintain an A or a B in all my classes. I play guitar, piano, and violin. My three only friends. However, I am probably the most annoying, awkward, nervous, pessimistic, selfish, confused, creepy, lonely person ever. I am your all-around piece of shit person. Here I go again talking about myself….I have severe ADD and have had an anxiety disorder since I was 6. I can’t even do the simplest tasks without being a complete awkward failure. It’s hard to explain. I start shaking before tests and quizzes and I have panic attacks if the hallway is too crowded. When I like a guy, he knows it, because I space out and stare at him and act like a totally clumsy creep. I had crushes that liked me back, but I am such a freak, that when they tried to talk to me I ran away. What the hell is wrong with me? Any who, the thing about me hating people….

I hate humans. It’s not being hypocritical because I include myself in my hate list.
I was raped when I was 11. Enough said. My mom used to verbally abuse me I guess you’d say, when my anxiety was at it’s peak when I was 8 and I’d start regurgitating. She’d tell me I was "stupid" and a "mistake" and "ugly on the inside" in some horrifying yelling voice. I don’t have a dad. I have always been a loyal friend you know, and supported them and such. Every friend I’ve ever had has screwed me over. For example, one of my friends started doing cocaine, I tried to get her to realize she was being self-destructive, but she wouldn’t listen. I tried to stick with her, but she went off to a crowd of druggie kids. All the other friends I’ve had in the past left me to hang out with the popular crowd and what not. So now I’m just a lonely bitch. I live in sort of a bad area I guess. Sort of a snobby rich kid area. I refuse to be slutty or do drugs so that basically turns people against me. There are some good people, but I’m just too…awkward. I get bullied a lot by guys mostly. I eat lunch in the bathroom. I’m too chicken to even attempt killing myself. I’m just one of God’s mistakes.

You probably think I’m being over dramatic or whatever, but thats just my pessimistic, annoying, self shining through.
So… should I kill myself?
Run away?
Sell myself to science?
Befriend nature?

I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m practically drowning in my own thoughts.
Suggest whatever you want because I’m that desperate."

Source: http://www.mypanicattacksolution.com/blog/panic-attack-quiz/i-vehemently-hate-myself-i-hate-everyone-i-hate-humans

Im too young to be this empty inside

2010-02-07T13:15:00.000-08:00

"so i seem to be more alone here than i ever was in California. At least in California I had people who made me think they love me.

I cam here for Ashley and all i have gotten in return is a clod fucking shoulder. i am sick of it. it has almost been a month. a long lonely month that has been eventful but nothing significant. i wonder why you wanted me to come at all. It amazes me that i moved my entire fucking life here for you cuz you wanted me to. I wanted to be the best friend i could. i wanted to be the best friend i wish i had when i moved my whole life from Nor Cal to So Cal. I never had that.

I know first hand how fucking stressful it is to move to a new place without anyone. without a single person to talk to. it broke me as a person. but it also opened up so many new doors.

I was so determined when i moved to so cal to not be the same broken angry girl i once was. and each time i moved throughout so cal i changed. i grew up as a person. i was able to see why someone didnt like me and changed it. i made a lot of enemies in nor cal and i never wanted that again. when you talked about moving and leaving your whole family for that guy you almost married i knew that i had found someone who felt the pain i felt. we had bonded over that. it was good.

after my ex, lets call him Stu, broke up with me when you were in South Carolina and i was in san diego i feel apart. i had less than a week to find a place and the girl that i made friends with while you were gone stabbed me in the back i knew that i couldnt stay in so cal any longer. i moved back to nor cal and tried to apply my new character that i created to the environment there. it didnt work. i was still known as the bitch i once was. i was still the angry girl no one wanted to talk to. this made me long to be back in so cal. when you returned to so cal i felt my heart calling to you.

then that horrible day in November when my dad was awake for the 3rd day and high on chrystalmeth and beat the hell out of me. you came to my aid you came and saved me. but it only seemed to happen when it was out of pure necessity. you had to save me cuz you felt obligated. or at least that is how i felt.
if i had stayed in nor cal i know i would have killed myself. i am positive. i was so thankful to have you and was looking forward to my second chance in so cal. i soaked every minuet in.

i resorted to making money here and there the best way i knew how...mainly looking pretty and getting my picture taken. i drove around hookers and watched as they made money by doing something that is so natural to our bodies. i watched them kill themselves every second they could. trying to block out the pain.

it wasnt long before Ashley went through major drama herself and wanted to leave it all behind. i am like that too and love to leave the problem rather than let it over power me.

i left with her cuz she wanted me to. i thought i could help her like how she saved me.

i respect her so much and every night i sleep next to her and wake up with her next to me. but still i feel like i am on another planet.

i am so depressed right now i dont really know what to do with myself.

i want to stop it all. i want to go home. wherever that may be. i have people who (only once i left) show interest in getting me to return to them. i have people in nor cal and so cal. i would prefer so cal cuz my dad is not there. but at this point in my life i feel like i have a lot more growing to do. i am at a crossroads. the road in front of me is the longest road and has no other cars on it. just me trying to make it on my own. pay my debt. make a name for myself save up money. the usual...but no boys no friends just focus on what needs to be done for me.
the road to my left is a life here with Ashley on the east coast and never looking behind me. the road to my right is returning home to california and struggling to make anything for myself. working my ass off everyday for the minimum and never amounting to anything.

i want to see the beauty this world has to offer. i want to go to ireland and live off the land and make a home there. that is some place that i dont know anyone. but then i fear that i will be putting myself back into the loop i first fell into when i first moved to so cal.

maybe i just need to fall off the face of the earth. no computer no cell phone. no address. just a passport and the clothes in a backpack. if i die or get kidnapped oh well. at least i will have done it for myself.

im too young to be this empty inside."

Source: http://kristamethrx.blogspot.com/

Is living supposed to be this painful?

2010-02-06T19:29:00.000-08:00

"I feel like shit.
I don't wanna talk to anyone but to you.

-

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, completely drenched in sweat from a nightmare about you.

Nobody knows, but me.

I should be working.. I shouldn't be bogged down by these fucking emotions..

But here I am again writing another fucking pointless post.

Fuck my shrink.. fuck everyone. You say I'm okay, but is living supposed to be this painful?

I can't even remember the days when I smiled for no reason...

Now if I want to smile, I need something to create it.
I now understand why people drink themselves to death.

I'm slowly approaching that point.. I need to stop.. But I can't. I really don't want to be this depressed..

Drink myself full.. bleed myself blue.. repeat.

By the time I black out, I'm smiling. But when I wake up, I'm dying.

Forget my past, forget my future, forget my goals. My sole purpose for living is to become decaying matter.

Life is a death trap, and this planet is a shit-hole.

-

I can't help but have these horrible thoughts every day..
I can feel my sanity slipping away. I feel more and more restless.

I just want to lie down somewhere and sleep until everything washes over.

This is such a horrible hell for me, I feel like nothing I do in this life will truly benefit me.

I continue for no one, not even myself..

I wonder how many people would even be at my wake if I were to die this very moment.
Would the person at the next table even care?
My personal belongings would all be stolen long before I was sent to a hospital. Or even checked on.

Kill me..

Take me away to a better place.

Fucking selfish race of people..

It really is me against the world. No one would truly cry if you died.. They'd probably celebrate since you're not there to burden them anymore.

I no longer see people through rose-colored glasses. I only see the imperfections. The evil.

-

Is everyone really unable to see through my affectations?

Am I really that great at hiding it?

No. I'm not.

It's just that no one gives a shit.
Not to a useless college student.
Not to worthless people.
Not to me.

I see people with friends.
Short-lived spurts of false hope that they will be there to help THEM achieve what THEY want.
Not what OTHERS want.

...

I'll secretly stop caring then..
I'll secretly ignore everyone once more.
If they think they're going to take advantage of my fake and vulnerable visage, they will not see it coming.
I will continue to pretend.
I will put my mask back on and live a double-life.

Fuck this.. if people want to rip my fucking heart out then I'm going to carry a shield.

I'll never give myself to anyone again..

I belong.
To me.
And only to me.."

Source: http://asecretfromyou.blogspot.com/

WHEN WILL IT END

2010-02-05T15:57:00.000-08:00

"WHEN WILL IT STOP
WHEN WILL IT LEAVE MY HEAD
WHEN CAN I JUST LET IT ALL GO
WHEN WILL I FEEL NORMAL AGAIN WHAT EVER NORMAL IS
WHEN WILL PEOPLE STOP STARING
WHEN WILL THEY STOP JUDGING ME
WHEN WILL MY KIDS ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM NOW
WHEN WILL MY FLOOD OF TEARS TURN TO HAPPY THOUGHTS
WHEN WILL IT END
WILL IT END WHEN I TAKE MY LIFE OR WHEN I JUST DO NOT CARE ANYMORE"

Source: http://you-live-my-life.blogspot.com/

They are all out to get me

2010-02-04T14:11:00.000-08:00

"After things didn't go well with the ex on new years when I texted her to the point of her almost throwing in the towel of our friendship I have been able to keep things cool... meaning I have been able to give her the space a friend gives another friend... unfortunately it seems like every site I ever gave my email to is against me...

Hampton wants me to rent a room for a vday get together...

jibjab wants me to make fun of the girlfriend I don't have...

sunwing which lies about beachfront property and does not bother to respond to my emails.. wants me to take a vacation with...

Flouraqueen wants me to send flowers to...

Amazon, ebay... you name it..... they are all against the igebadia...

It is too bad they don't have an option where it only sends that spam me if I have my relationship status in facebook as girlfriend.. but then again all these companies who are trying to make me depressed would spam my feed for all to see.. cause that is what you do as a developer.. spam.. spam.. spam right up the ass...

Too bad they don't spam me a girlfriend who I can actually have a valentines day with...

not that I actually want a girlfriend... it is just it is hard not to wish you had one for the one day we need to remember to be nice to the one we love...

so I get to be depressed... and I am convinced it is the pharmaceutical companies trying to convince me to never go off my antidepressants again... like they have to worry after the whole anitbacterial soap thing ruined my testosterone...

They are all out to get me.. the cats told me this would happen...."

Source: http://www.gebula.com/

It's starting to seem like an amazing idea

2010-02-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

"well it's starting to seem like an amazing idea.

all this stuff has happened in my life since i last posted, and i really cba to mention it all.

i'm so stressed out, and i just cant help thinking that the only way to escape it all is just to top myself.

then franky would realise what a dick he's being. and lee would as well, though he's no where near as much of a dick in the first place. maybe tom would realise as well, but i doubt it. then my friends would actually WANT to spend time with me. and my parents wouldn't be wishing i was perfect, they'd just be wishing i was still here.

it's the perfect solution, the only problem is that i dont want to give up. which i guess is a good thing, cause it makes it alot less likely that i'll actually kill myself, but it still feels like shit.

i was to get put back on anti-depressants, but i dont know if they'll do it. need to go see the doctor. desperately.

i've been ill for a week and a half now, and stressed out, depressed, having panic attacks, crying constantly, and having pointless arguments. anyway, i dont want to put any more, i'm gonna go to bed. (well i have been awake for a whole hour now...)

peace out."

Source: http://megantheshygirl.blogspot.com/

I'm completely isolated

2010-02-02T19:13:00.001-08:00

"I don't really know what to do. I can't talk to any of our friends. I have been super depressed and despondent for a long time. I never cry really but now I can't stop. There doesn't seem to be any happy outcome. All I can do to keep from sobbing is think about how I'm going to get her back. I wanted to marry her. I've never been in a relationship nearly this serious before. All I can think of to win her back is to exercise and get really fit because she say's she doesn't find me attractive anymore... What's worse is that she is already trying to move on with some guy she is chatting with online. He lives far away but the thought still hurts a lot.

I don't even know if I want her back now.

I have health problems that have been plaguing me for years too. I'm pretty much constantly in pain.

Since, for the past two years I've been dating her I have pulled away from friends and now I'm completely isolated."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/awxgj/my_gf_of_two_years_just_broke_up_with_me/

People would never imagine what is going inside me

2010-02-01T17:58:00.000-08:00

"I wish I could kill myself. I am so afraid of doing it, especially not succeeding. I know what would happen if I don’t succeed and people find out.

I am tired of my life. Am 30 years old. I’ve lived a lie all my life. I think its the first time I even talk about it, but I like men. I have had this secret inside forever and have never done anything about it. I am engaged to be married in 2 months. She is a great woman. My professional life is a disaster. I haven’t been able to find a decent job since I finish my degree and I have amazed an incredible amount of debt. My father is a big problem and we are tired of him. I don’t have any good friends anymore, the ones I used to have are all away now. I don’t know what to write, don’t know what to say I just know am tired, sad, lonely, a failure, desperate, suicidal, bored. I want to cry all the time, if you see me am 6, 2 tall. I am always laughing and having a good time, people would never imagine what is going inside me. I just don’t know what to do. I want to move away. Alone. I can’t. I have no money and I have been trying to find a job in another country for the past year and I haven’t been able to. Am pretty smart, good at what I do, but I don’t make enough money. I wish there was a pill I could take and in a second it would all be over. I know of the pain I will cause those I leave behind because even with all the stuff I am going through am loved. Truly loved. The problem is am a failure. I don’t know. This secret I carry, my professional problems, my loneliness, my future wedding, trying so hard to succeed, everything is this huge weight on my back.

I have to move out of my apartment in one month. I don’t know what to do next. I also know people will know I have to because of the rent. I can’t pay it anymore. I have all this credit card debt I have to take care of. I will move in with my parents. My mom, what to tell you she is sleeping the whole day, and my father he is the happiest man on earth, and a joke himself, I despise him for all the pain he’s caused my mother, but that’s another story.

Am tired, sorry everyone if I don’t make much sense, I just don’t know where to start. I have taken meds, I have exercised, I have travelled, I have talked to people, nothing, nada. Hope I find light soon if not I think I will go mad."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-wish-i-could/

Goodbye and hope that wherever I go I’m not in pain anymore

2010-01-31T08:41:00.000-08:00

"where to start? well I’m 29 yrs old and l I’ve been depressed for a long as I can remember. I tried to kill myself about 9 yrs ago, I hung myself until I blacked out, it was almost painless the pain only lasted less then a minute then I couldnt feel anything, but my wife cut me down and they rushed me to the hospital so I woke up in the hospital angry that I didn’t succeed and now I was stuck going to a mental clinic for like 3 months taking pills that didn’t do anything to help, but at least I still had her. Well that was then and today she’s gone, we are getting divorced and this pain I feel keeps getting worst everyday, everyone keeps saying that it will go away and it’s been months and months now and It hasn’t gone away, I feel empty and alone without my kids and her, they have always been my only reason to keep living but now they are gone and I’m here all alone.

This past Christmas and new years were the loneliest for me I always had fun being with my kids watching them open their presents and watching their smiles when they were opening them was everything to me but this time I couldn’t, and I remember that in new years we used to light up the fireworks, and now all that is gone. I never wanted this for them. I miss being with them everyday preparing food for them , putting them in bed, taking them to school everything.

Well this depression is killing me slowly I used to weight 200 pounds in the beginning of 2009 and now my weight is 135, I also hurt myself like many of you but instead of cutting myself I burn myself with cigarretes. I really cant take this anymore the pain, the emptiness, and the loneliness is so much that I want it over, every day at work seems like an eternity but I have to go on as nothing is happening or someone may notice.

I promised myself that I was going to go thru with the divorce cause thats what she wanted, but that plan is over I just can’t take it anymore. I wont put details cause I don’t want anyone finding me and I’m really sorry for the people I might hurt. Goodbye and hope that wherever I go I’m not in pain anymore."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/farewell/

Slowly but surely I seem to be losing everything

2010-01-31T08:34:00.000-08:00

"I'm young. Too young--in my opinion--to desire to kill myself, but I often do. This is not an outcry for help and/or attention. I am getting help, and somedays I even feel as though I have returned. However, I find that the majority of my time is spent in this state of being in which I am absolutely worthless. I tell myself the most awful things--most of which I know are not true. I will call myself stupid even though I have not received a 'b' since Middle School, I have above a 4.0 gpa, and am currently taking all AP classes save one. Regardless of the facts, I will brutalize myself. "I'm not good enough for that. I suck at this. She obviously hates me. I'm such a dumb ***. You're a fat and lazy waste of life." This monkey on my back (depression) has been there my entire life. The direct consequence of which would be that I have hated no one in my life more than I hate myself. Even as I type this, my mind is ridiculing my need to do so. I'm trying to rid myself of the monkey, but man does he have a monster grip! Slowly but surely I seem to be losing everything I have deemed important in my life. Instead of doing my homework through uncontrollable sobs I have merely stopped. My anger has and continues to push anyone that I love away. Perhaps I feel as though I do not deserve them.

Truthfully, I am fighting a war that has been striving for many years, but I am tired. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically, Mentally... I am exhausted. The mask I put on when everything is breaking under my feet weighs a metric ton, and keeping over my pained face takes all the strength that I encompass. But i'm running low. Life continuously kicks me whilst I am down, and I do not know how much longer I can take the blows.

Must keep fighting though. Never give up. I'll never lose this fight."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Battle-Depression/864828

11 lovely gashes

2010-01-29T19:40:00.000-08:00

"So, today was my second group session. Yesterday was my first. Yesterday, not much of the group really pertained to me and I didn't talk at all. Today was different. There was less people (4 of us then 2 counselors) so I had to talk. A lot of cutting and eating disorder stuff came up. It was pretty intense for me. I'm not used to talking about how I feel or what's going on. I don't know. I feel like it's helping, and I kinda like it. I don't want to like it because I know in three weeks I'm going to be done. I don't want to be attached or like the people. It's really difficult for me. I feel like I got a lot of good advice, though. The people are great, and the one counselor who is helping out to learn more is hot! A little perk!

I got a little fed up today with not being able to cut like I wanted to. Since my mom took away my stuff and all. So, I went into her bathroom and found an extra razor head. I'm praying to god she doesn't notice one is missing. I need this. I then spent a half hour trying to get the blades out. I ended up having to break it in half and kinda use the bottom. Her razors are like the really expensive kind that are sorta screwed together. Crazy stuff. 11 lovely gashes. And they were deep too! It's sharp. I'm in love, that's the comfort I needed.

Jeff came over today at 2 with his kids. Drove me to therapy at 4. We had about 45 minutes to talk. I really love him. And his kids are amazing. I know I've said that before, but really, they're amazing. I told him I was cutting again without realizing. I asked him a thousand times not to tell my mom. I hope he doesn't. He said he hadn't decided yet. If he does, I'll give my mom the x-acto in my bathtroom. If she notices she's missing a razor, I'll deny it. His kids started crying when they had to leave. Their moms mean, my dads mean. They like my mom, I like their dad. I don't want to lose them. He's getting divorced and so is my mom. Even with all of the drama my dad is causing for both of them, he said he really likes my mom and wants to continue on with their relationship. My mom and Jeff are much more closer and lovey than my parents ever were.

I have so much on my mind to think about. This group thing has brought a lot up. I need to think and get control of my thoughts. It's all so out of control. I hope things get better. It's weird though, some of the things the counselors said to me kinda made me mad. They seemed a little upset at me, too. I don't know. Maybe they're just trying to help. Things might get better. Maybe. Day by day.

With love,

Lola"

Source: http://peaceloveana.blogspot.com/

Dreading the idea of another day on this miserable ball of water and dirt

2010-01-28T18:56:00.001-08:00

"Yesterday I had one of my really bad days. I was already feeling sort of shitty from the beginning of the day (It was class registration and nobody knew what the fuck they were doing or they were just being a bitch), and then my 360 broke the same way it broke in late November and for some reason that just turned me into a miserable person about everything on the planet. I was enraged, sad, sick, tired, sick and tired, and any other negative emotion you could come up with.

My depressed days aren’t like that of the typical depressed person. I’m sad, but rather than cry about it, I usually just want to break shit.

I never do. I never get violent, but I just sit in my room brewing. Being filled up with so much rage that I guarantee, should my brother said one more thing I didn’t like, I would have ripped his face off.

That’s just how I get. I hate everybody I live with. I hate the people I don’t live with.

I hate politicians even more than I do normally.

I hate the corporations that buy our politicians and the fact that nobody really seems to be able to notice it or care, even more than I do normally.

I hate games more than I do normally. The whole 360 thing really pisses me off because it’s the first console I’ve ever been afraid to actually touch for fear of the thing breaking. If it’s too close to my dvd player I get a hard drive failure, and the plugs are so stiff that you’re just bound to break the fucking thing by just trying to unplug it..

I want to be the anti-fanboy. A hate-boy, if you will. I will play every game system but a 360. That is, if I didn’t own so many fucking games for the thing.

I hate my life even more than I do normally. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I don’t even have a direction. I hate writers, even though I love writing. I can’t really do anything else I want for one reason or another. I hate that I’m going to be going to high school for another class even though I’m technically done.

That’s a lot of hate, right?

Then I go to bed. Dreading the idea of another day on this miserable ball of water and dirt. There is no way I won’t kill myself tomorrow.

Then I wake up, and I feel better. Less anxious. I still hate the same things I did the day before, but I’m not enslaved by that anger.

The reason I call it the depression hangover is that along with the embarrassment of how I was feeling yesterday, I have this throbbing headache like I do after a night of drinking.

My theory is, my depression is a result of my brain deciding to get drunk on anger and sadness. If you don’t fuck your brain up with alcohol, it will find something else.

Alright, that’s a stupid theory. Hell, it’s not even a theory.

Oh well. Have a good day."

Source: http://adentai.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/a-depression-hangover/

I never feel okay

2010-01-27T15:37:00.000-08:00

"what would you do if you were me?… there’s absolutely no way out of this shit…everything makes me feel worse, I never feel okay, I feel so depressed, I go out and feel suicidal no matter what I do, I go back home to feel more horrible, this time is unlike any other, I’m like unable to live in anyway, everyday things get worse, much worse…

I’m sick of trying to kill myself, it never works with me, and I’m sick of cutting myself… to make it short I’m sick of everything, and everyone…

even my friends are all nothing but fake, they get me in one fucking trouble after another and I never learn… and I’m sick of life, and hearing all that living bullshit that never changes, I can’t stand anything, I have no where to go, or anyone to talk to… my life is worthless and I can’t even seem to keep myself together from drowning deeper… for fuck’s sake someone tell me what to do… but no one really can… and I’m scared…"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/what-would-you-do/

I fucking hate myself

2010-01-26T11:56:00.001-08:00

"I am worried about my SAT and the GPA and the ACT and the dog feces … all of this, but I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, depression and weakness. I think I might be bipolar, tell you the truth. In addition, I had to drop out of school, high school and seek a recent online home school program. I fucking hate myself. I have four AP courses are for family honor classes have not been educated. How should I do? I have this idea in my head, if I did not enter a good school I was worthless. The only reason is that I survive, so I can get into a good school. But even so, I doubt I can play!"

Source: http://www.depressiondisorder.org/2010/01/25/open-question-the-stress-of-school-makes-me-want-to-kill-myself/

They just don't know how it all feels

2010-01-25T07:20:00.001-08:00

"First of all this week went by completely slow. Even though it was just a 4 day week it still felt too long for my liking. Well I'm still feeling depressed not to mention down. It's just something I can't get rid of, something I can't cope with and just try to push away. Sure I've been laughing and smiling but what good is that? I'm just lying to everyone, I'm just pretending to me something I'm not and that's happy. I still feel so stupid and hopeless that I still question why am I here and what's my purpose? It really pisses me off when people pretend to be something they aren't especially when they pretend to me sad and say stuff like oh I'm going to kill myself because I'm so depressed. You know what...shut the fuck up. They don't know what it's like to live every constant moment in fear that the thoughts and doubts in your mind will completely consume you and cause you to do something drastic. They don't know what it's like to feel worthless and useless. They don't know how it feels to be an outcast and have people constanting bugging you or saying something bad about you. They just don't know how it all feels. They don't know how it feels to not want to eat, to not want to sleep, to not want to do anything fun or exciting because the pain always takes over. They don't know shit about it. I'm tired of listening to people act like their something there not. I've been constantly thinking about hurting myself even more like not eating or sleeping that much. Not that I don't do that already. Last night I had this dream that I was fighting these two skeletons but it was a game that I happened to be in. Then there was this other game that was open but the thing is the devil was inside it just waiting for me to grab it so he could drag me down. Honestly that dream scared me. Another thing that scares me is the constant thinking "Well if I were to pass out, be near death or actually die I would make a point to those posers and show them it's not a laughing matter or a fashion statement" The reason it scares me is because I'm actually willing to go that far to make a point but not just that but part of me doesn't really care what happens. I don't know what else to do. I feel like leaving behind everything, giving up and just dying. Nothing has been giving me the sense of living these last few days. I just wonder how much more of this I will be able to take and what will happen to me and if anyone would care"

Source: http://actomboy.livejournal.com/

I'm technically just a drain on societies resources

2010-01-24T17:55:00.000-08:00

"Is it time to just kill myself?... I just got kicked out of my mom's for like the 3rd time in 8 years or so. I've never had a successful relationship, never been able to keep a job more than a year, and now as of today I find myself homeless, jobless, and my resources are about 100% gone. I'm at a friends using their computer right now, in mooch mode. I know I can't last long like this and no employer seems to give two cents about hiring me.

So the real question is, sometimes suicide is viable yes? I mean I'm technically just a drain on societies resources, air, etc. I'm 28 years old and have never really been able to give back, contribute, or carry my own weight. Should I just go get a gun and blast myself?

This is a serious question by the way, I'm not some kid or joker looking to make sympathetic people empathize with me. I'm really honestly about ready to just end it. Maybe this is my last call for help, before I get the guts to go ahead and do it. Thanks..."

Source: http://mentalhealthcares.blogspot.com/2010/01/is-it-time-to-just-kill-myself.html

Freak Of Nature

2010-01-23T17:36:00.001-08:00

"I'm so down on myself most of the time. I feel as if there's nothing in this universe that can make me better. I wish I was normal. I wish I could be as happy as some people out there are. But everytime I look into the mirror I see a 'Freak Of Nature'. It's like having a second arm or something. Everytime I walk down the street people are staring at me. I didn't ask to be born this way. Yet, I live through life enduring it's effects. I didn't ask to be ridiculed and insulted through-out my lifetime of living. All I ever wanted was a girfriend. Even a friend of the opposite sex to talk to. I know it may sound selfish of me to ask that but I have enough male friends who really doesn't do much for my mood. I know I need a special girl, a best friend who would listen to the stuff I had to talk about.

I know what most would think. He's just after sex. To be honest, I've already had sex, it was. . .sex. But it wasn't what I needed. I need someone to have a heart to heart with. I know it's basically pointless to rant about it here, but if I keep this bottled up then I'm really going to implode. I lost the only girl who ever "cared" about me. She didn't want to be near me anymore. As much as it pains me, I couldn't blame her for her decision. I practically gave verything I had just for her. When she made a stupid decision that resulted in my car getting stolen, I forgave her and never used it in an argument.

. . .lol, Is it really pointless to expose my feelings here? Because most likely all anyone can offer me is advise that I've already tried and failed at. My heart husts so much. . ."

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/88351-freak-nature.html

I want to kill myself but I dont want to die

2010-01-22T16:46:00.000-08:00

"...i want to kill myself but I dont want to die.
I want to be free but I want to keep everything I have
I want to feel pain but the more I feel it the more I wish for it to go away
the more I wish for it to go away the number I feel
the number I feel the more long for pain I want

i want to kill myself but I dont want to die, does that make sense?"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/i-want-to-suicide/14334694/

Should I kill myself?

2010-01-21T18:10:00.000-08:00

"I'm 21.i live in my parents basement, I have no job, no money, nobody to love; I'm severely depressed, I feel hopeless, useless, i'm a failure...i decided i'm not going back to college yesterday because i'm broke...i want to kill myself.I've cut my left arm 3 times, neither of which I remember doing...i've been on antidepressants before, but I didn't like them, and i'm afraid to go back to a doctor to ask for help because I dont want to interact with people...should I kill myself?"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/depressed-and-hopeless/14334618/

My body is scared that maybe I have only 24 hours left

2010-01-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

"So, here I’m again. For a past few days I was thinking like it’s getting better. OK, no more depression, it was just an illusion. You are not really depressed. Just a moron who thinks that he has a bad life even though his life is a godlike from an objective point of view. But this morning all hope was gone. Here I’m again thinking about the fact that tomorrow I will get an ultimate chance to finish it. It’s so easy, just take a plastic bag, fasten it around neck and wait. 1 minute, 2, 3, 5, 10 end… So what the hell I’m affraid of? Would I be missing this life? Not at all. Sure there are things that I will miss such a music, sunset, summer storms, but I will get rid of so many bad things in my empty pathetic meaningless life full of pain. What will I do? Am I able to try it at least? Am I so weak that I can’t even try to finish my life? I wanna cry, but I can’t. That’s weird because when I was in early teen age I was crying relatively a lot. But now I can’t. I haven’t been crying in 10 fucking years and I want it so much, but my body stops me everytime when I try to get myself sob. It would relieve some pain, it would… Seems like my fear of people started when I stopped crying. My body is scared that maybe I have only 24 hours left. My mind doesn’t care because my mind is already dead and one part of me is sitting here and longing for the end. When I imagine the situation when I have my head stuck in that bag I’m happy, but also afraid. What if I end up in hospital with coma or unable to move but still consciousness. When I think that in friday I will no longer exist I feel scared. But why? That’s not me who is scared it’s my body. What’s the thing that holds me back. My family? Yeah they will be sad after I will be gone. For what? I was just a unimportant part of their lifes. Not someone who they really need. I was even yelling at them sometimes. I hate myself for that. They seem like they didn’t care or they know that I didn’t mean it that way. Now I’m in situation when I want to be dead and don’t want it at the same time. But I promise myself that I will try it. One day, maybe not tomorrow, but one day for sure. God only if I have a nerve to do that. I want it. I will do it. Someday.

Anyway I’m sorry to bother you with a post that doesn’t make sense, but I just needed to pubish it somewhere and not just delete it all, like a many times before."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/tomorrow/

I feel like such a unredeemable failure

2010-01-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

"I got hired out of grad school, only to be fired five months later. Now I get some work as a freelancer (I do video production). Money comes in in fits and starts, and I'm continually searching for part time work to fill the gap.

But I feel so ashamed of myself to not be making more money. I live at home, and don't have much overhead (which my parents constantly remind me of). This only makes me feel worse. I want to be on my own. I want to be making enough so I can live on my own and pay my own bills, and be able to save up to buy new gear and maybe travel a bit. Not to mention, not having much money or my own place means I'm work less than f**k all to any woman. Who the hell'd want to be with poor schlub who lives with his parents, and has no immediate prospects of advancement.

Worse still, I'm afraid this will all force me to abandon my dreams, and get some awful job that slowly kills me, all for the necessity of living. I don't know if I could do that. Living and working just for the sake of living and working? If that is my lot in life, I'm going to kill myself now.

I feel like such a unredeemable failure..."

Source: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt116890.html

I'm afraid if I am left alone much longer I'll kill myself

2010-01-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

"Signing in, last night was awful. After sleeping with my good friends best friend, who is married, (they're in the middle of a divorce), I had to confront my friend about it. In short he said he forgave me but didn't want to be around me for a few months, the guy, (we will call him Jack) can do whatever the fuck we want, that he doesn't trust and I am a whore.
All night I have contemplated suicide. I even looked up bible verses on the subject; that and punishment, love, and death. I cannot find anything about God loving us, just us being told why and how to love him. Now, don't get me wrong I do love God, so much! I would just really like to see something written that he loves me.
I'm afraid if I am left alone much longer I'll kill myself and I know for a fact if I had a gun I would have several hours ago. I have hanged myself once and I just can't muster the courage to do it again. I have slit my wrists before and I just can't seem to do that either, or over dose or poison myself. All of which I have tried before. It seems every method I tried in the past fails to work on me now out of fear.
I don't know what to say, I just wish I had my friend back. And just so anyone out there reading this knows, I am not suicidal because of this one thing. There are MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY reasons why I want to die and why I have thought about since I was eight years old, I just turned 21 on Thursday and it seems to me the older I get the harder it gets for me to find reasons to keep living and I don't even know if I want help or not, I could get it but I don't know... oh well I am going to attempt to sleep... Sorry for the rant it's been a very long time since I have been this depressed and I am fairly sure when I go back and read this later,(I always reread all my stuff 100 times,) I will get even more depressed because I sound like a fag ass Emo bitch kid. Fuck."

Source: http://chantelchandler.blogspot.com/

I try to be a good person because i don’t want to be a part of making anyone else feel the way I do

2010-01-17T18:50:00.000-08:00

"I’m constantly sad. I feel like I can tell where most of my problems come from. who has caused each insecurity. But in the end all that’s going through my head is it’s all my fault, that I’ve asked for all that has come my way, that I’m worthless, that the people around me would be better without me. I work all the time to stay busy and have less time to think. I drink, smoke, and pop pills when I’m not working to try and get to a point where i can be numb. writing this makes me think of how selfish i am by only worrying about myself. every sentence starts with “I”. but at the same time I wish instead of always trying to stay busy and avoid the past and present I could take a moment and just be content. not have to do anything. Males have pretty much left me fucked up. I do believe there are some good guys out there, but I’m giving up on trying to see the good. I’m 20 and have been beaten, video taped while getting attack, raped, used, and lied to more times than I can count. I try to be a good person because i don’t want to be a part of making anyone else feel the way I do. I’m pretty sure no one will read this, but i wanted to put it out there anyway. everyone keeps saying things will get better…but after years of hearing this I’m starting to feel there is no hope or “happy ending”."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/putting-all-my-energy-into-other-things-to-forget/

I want to be happy

2010-01-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

"I've been suffering from depression for 4 weeks now and now at the moment, I want to kill myself. I've been down this road so many times. I've been through therapy:in psychology and psychiatry for more then 5 times in one year and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if my meds are not working anymore nor the therapy. But right now at this moment speaking I just want to end my life so bad. I know it may not solve anything by wanting to do this but I'm rally close to making a final decision.

Like I said before, I've been in therapy and on meds for over a year, I wrote down how I felt everyday, I've spoken about it to my therapist and psychiatrist. I feel no emotions wether its the happiest moment im living with friends or family. I just dont feel sad or happy. I want to be happy, I want to be able to feel emotions again. But I already had the help that I needed. Now, I see no more options or solutions to this problem, but I'm just so close to ending this life of mine at 16. I'm sick of everything. I did and tried everything and now I'm done trying. I just wanted to ask a question if there is one last thing I could possibly do to stop myself from wanting to end my life ASAP.
Thank You"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/General_Other/right-now-i-suffer-from-depression-and-want-to-kill-myself/

I'm just so tired, scared and confused

2010-01-15T17:47:00.000-08:00

"When I was a kid I often played boy roles with my friends who were girls and of course had girl roles with all my friends who were guys. However, the older I got, the more I played as boys with all my friends until soon I stopped playing as female characters altogether.

Ever since I was twelve I realized that I hated my body. I hate having boobs. They always make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. That's why I wonder if perhaps I might be transgendered? I hate sports, but I don't know if that matters because a lot of my guy friends don't like sports.

By the time I was fourteen I was depressed because I felt uncomfortable all the time. To this day I hate drawing to much attention to myself because I often feel like I'm not myself, if that makes any sense.I can't let myself date anyone or get too close because I don't want to embarrass them or have them hate me. I can't tell if I don't want to have sex or if I don't want to have sex because I'm a girl. I already resigned myself to being one of nature's bachelors. Still, I'm attracted to men. I hate when people address women and I know they are including me, and sometimes I even hate women although I'm not entirely sure why. I just want to be me and I'm not even sure who that is anymore. I've been trying so hard not to draw attention to myself for nearly a decade now that maybe I'm not really anything anymore.

I don't know, I'm not explaining myself very well and I want to talk about it, but I don't think my family will accept me if I tell them. I want to be sure I'm transgendered before I say anything and ruin everything. I'm just so tired, scared and confused and don't even know what to do anymore. I don't think I'll kill myself, but some days I just get so depressed that maybe one day I just, I don't know. A couple years ago I told my therapist that 30 seems like a good year to die, and sometimes I think, wouldn't it be nice. I know I wouldn't slit my wrists because it's too messy, and I wouldn't hang myself because suffocating while conscious doesn't seem like a good way to go, but overdose of medication would probably knock me out and I'd die in my sleep with any luck. Sometimes I think about that and it makes me hate myself but still feel a bit comforted.

I'm also scared because I think I am transgendered but what if I never get to be happy?

I don't know what to do anymore and if you could help me out I would really appreciate it. Thank you for you time.

C.M.

P.S. sorry the structure of this message is so sloppy, but I really don't know how I'm supposed to talk about this."

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/how-do-you-know-if-youre-transgendered/

In my darkest hour I am my own worst enemy

2010-01-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

"In my darkest hour I have often held my life in my hands… I’v wondered many things that a mind of insanity would wonder… My darkest hour has always made me think… Is it worth, Will I be missed, Why is life so hard… The world may never know or understand how someone could slip and fall so deep. I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes plenty of times only to snap back to reality and save it for another day… Days go by, Weeks, Months, Years… Still here… In my darkest hour I often wondered will anybody miss me more than I’d miss myself… Will anyone cry harder than I’ve cried living alone and depressed… Does anyone else see that this is cry for help… HHHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!- !!!!!! Silent cries… Silent Tears… Silent…. In my darkest hour I was saved but often will it be possible… In the nic of time I was saved from my worst enemy… The same enemy that’s always looked out for my scholastic well being… But when looking out for me my enemy is against me… As for my mind is the enemy at hand running different depression scenarios in and out…. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! In my darkest hour I am my own worst enemy and this has been a war that has gone on for way too long… I hear a voice in my head yelling somebody kill me… another saying don’t do it your better than that… Another You’ll never achieve greatness… The next your my most beautiful creation… Then a tear runs down my face and I see… That someone loves me and I alone cannot be responsible for the pain I’d cause them… So on repeat I hear a mother’s voice whispering your my most beautiful creation and I’d never have it any other way… I am saved again from my darkest hour…"

Source: http://en.netlog.com/WESTonDECK/blog/blogid=3557689

Im in this world alone

2010-01-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

"I have no life..I have no choice, Its like im being pushed to do it.. I came to this country when i was a little girl, little do i know all i had to be put thru with this place..
I have a medical malpractice= pain everyday no medical help or anything, i am starving most of my days..i try to pay for my meds but cant so now i self medicate myself, I am Homeless an dont have a job, I can do Medical Billing, but this country say i have to get married to get my papers fixed in order to work,and ive been here for so long.. unfortunatly in NYC there are only grimmy people that ive came across that depress me more and try to take advantage of me, I am gay so im dealing with being a gay black woman, no women i know is really gay, mostwomen as well hurt me, they in it for the wrong reasons, I have no family my family disowned me because im gay..so im in pain physical and mental and in the streets of nyc, no job, no food , no place to stay, i want to babysitt because i can do that gig off the books but i think im in too deep i look depressed an noone talks to me, or wants to give me a simple gig.., an i dont know why i havent done it yet..maybe because i dont want to come back to this world in limbo, or be sent back here, or be in pain or unsucessfull with my suicide, i just want to go!! quick and painlesss and happy i want all my sadness to go away..so i can be relieved of pain lifted off my shoulders, all this can be resolved if i get the right person to marry me, and i will take care of them believe me..i do medical billing and general accounting, but my papers is fucked, and i want to move out of the U.S. so i can get the medical attention i need, but im stuck..i have no job/ money..I WANT TO GO To ENGLAND..but i cant and im suffering until then..i been going thru this for 4 years in the street starving, an depressed...SOMEONE HELP ME....I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO..but i suggest hanging myself or pills an i cant afford pills so i will hang myself..an i jus have to get drunk,and fucked up, and just do it... "

Source: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/11813347

I just want someone to talk to, to understand what I feel to help me through this

2010-01-12T17:32:00.000-08:00

"I just want to die, for years I’ve been thinking of suicide no one knows everyone sees me as care free and happy, my parents love me but i let them down I have a GF who loves me I’m not sure if shes it though I’ve messed up bad in school everytime I try it gets worse, I’m grade 12 but still doing grade 10 classes because I skip way to many days due to depression I say its because I’m sick, really all I want to do is die I’ve thought about ways to do it, easy quick ways but a part of me doesn’t want it, I can’t talk to anyone in my life about it they wouldn’t understand my life seems fine, but I’m just always depressed hatin every moment of life I just want someone to talk to, to understand what I feel to help me through this I turn 18 in 3 days I thought about doing it on my birthday, The only reason I haven’t I think is because I care to much about the people around me, I’m sorry this post is rambleing no one will even read this probally I just wanted to get it out….."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/so-tired-3/

I don't think I'll be able to go through this big joke my life has become for long

2010-01-11T16:06:00.000-08:00

"Today was supposed to be a good day, I was about to get a new job but I'm not even sure it will work. As usual, I had difficulty throughout the interview and I was reallly nervous which didn't help at all. Now, I'm on trial I'll be working there this afternoon so that they can see how I can handle the work. If it doesn't work like it's supposed to, I don't think I'll be able to go through this big joke my life has become for long. No matter what I'm trying, it just seem like I end up being the creepy lonely guy. I can't handle the pain anymore, I considered it to be ok when I was younger, I didn't care if I had a shitty job and I didn't care if I couldn't get to do anything else but now it's just too much."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/ao9rk/may_put_an_end_to_that_joke/

I’m either gonna commit suicide, or I’m gonna change the way the entire world works and thinks

2010-01-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

"I want to kill myself. Not because I’m depressed, but because I am being manipulated and lied to by my government. It honestly disgusts me THAT much to know what we (America) are doing to the rest of the world. I can’t stand how we’re a country of spoiled brats…and we’ve been trained to be that way. We are taught to consume, consume, consume. Teenagers in other countries have to quit school to work in the factories that make our cheap, disposable items. We’re ruining kids’ lives! God, it just DISGUSTS me! I’m either gonna commit suicide, or I’m gonna change the way the entire world works and thinks. I’m not quite sure which I’ll be doing."

Source: http://live.grouphug.us/x/5584

I'm scared. I'm lost. And I'm trapped.

2010-01-09T18:14:00.000-08:00

"Hi. A couple of months ago my grandpa died from cancer, and I was really close to him, and loved him a lot. A little bit before that, I was diagnosed with depression, but my parents didn't tell me. Then, under false pretenses, I had to take another long series of tests, which, again had the same result. They still didn't tell me, and I found out from my therapist, who I have to see for parents issues. The parent problems have been going on just about forever. My mom especially. She also treats me like I'm worthless, and I'm starting to think I am. She hits me, leaves bruises, scratches me, and hurts me, inside, and out. She has broken fingers, and scarred arms and faces. There are only two people I've told, two close friends. Recently it's been getting worse. She has been screaming at me about what an idiot I am, how stupid, fat, and ugly I am, and how I don't mean anything to the family. She says she wouldn't care if I was there or not. I'm starting to agree. On top of that, my grades are sinking low, to the C range, which she considers unacceptable, to say the least. Also, I have been feeling extremely down, with the depression I mentioned above. This year it has gotten really bad, fast. I have started cutting and drinking, and even doing some drugs. It makes me feel better for about 5 minutes. Then I feel like crap again. I've thought about killing myself many times, and I've even tried once or twice. I don't know what to do. I am sort of thinking maybe I should just run away from it all and kill myself. Or just run away and stay with a friend or something. I just know one thing. I can't live with this anymore. I'm scared. I'm lost. And I'm trapped. What do I do? "

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/what-should-i-do-29/

I think of never existing and it makes the crying stop

2010-01-08T16:43:00.000-08:00

"I'm 17, I'm a girl and i can't stop crying, i tried to go to sleep and I woke up because I couldn't anymore and I'm probably going to ditch school today, I just wish I was brave enough to kill myself, i'm too afraid of the pain but it's all I think about it. I'm in class listening to all these people talk about there good summers and weekends and experiences, or listening to my teachers tell me I'm not smart and I don't pay attention and then I come home and listen to my mom tell me to get out of her room after I tell her all the stuff going on in my head, like she didn't hear a word I said, and it hurts. God why won't it stop, i called a suicide hotline yesterday and I asked her what made her get up in the morning and she said "Doing homework", and as soon as she said that, I knew I would still feel the same way I'd been feeling. She said that hotlines are meant to be an outlet. to get it all out, but you can't really get anything out because they're saying "That must suck" "That's really messed up" but the enthusiasm sounds so fake and displaced and that's when I realize they don't know me, and i guess it's hard for me to believe that they care. I called everyone on my contact list (family members since I don't have any friends, well i used to but they keep "losing" my number and I don't think they want to talk anymore, so i just stopped calling) and no one answered, then my auntie, sent me a message saying "I'm at work..blah blah, I hope you're doing all right" and I yelled at the phone that I wasn't alright, and then I think maybe I should talk to her, but then i remember the last time i did, and she was talking about how I'm so sensitive and how I need to be stronger and not let everyone affect me, but she doesn't understand how hard I try to to not care what people say about me, and then i think about the girls at school that don't even know me yet they've continued to make fun of me since freshman year, and sometimes when I'm feeling really good about myself, they just out of nowhere start laughing at me and then i wonder if they would be sad if i died, or would they still laugh, would they call me emo, even in death? And then i think about the boys at school and how they whisper to their friends "She's yours" in a game of sorts, and then they all say no no she's too ugly to be "mine" back and forth until I've finally finished walking the distance i need to get out of earshot. And then i think about how I tell the adults that talk to me and that show me that theyre kind that I'm going to college, but i'm not. I can't because of my grades, and then i think about how the lady on the hotline says a part of me doesn't want to really die since I called, she said it was sort of a subconscious way of me telling me not to kill myself. And then i wonder why or how I've survived this long, even writing this now when it hurts so much, and I wonder about those super optimistic people that never let anything get them down and I wonder how I can be that way, and then i think about my future, and I'm scared that I won't graduate, and then I think about the people at school that push me around wanting to get confrontation out of me, but I don't do or say anything, theyre just hurting me for no reason, and then I think about how everyone says "You never smile, you should smile more", and it's like all of those times I was happy and laughed and smiled they completely forgot, and if they forgot so quickly why should I even think for one moment they care, and then i think about where i live and I think about how much I love my mother and how she tells me she loves me all the time, yet she continues to ignore me, and she didn't even care when i said i didn't want her boyfriend to move in with us. I said no, over and over and she still let him stay here, and he yells at her and calls her names and makes messes in the house without cleaning them up and I clean them because it gets so gross, and then i think about running away but i can't because i have to finish school, because if I don't my family will be disappointed in me and then i think about making a good friend on here and then he just forgets about me and doesn't respond to my messages, and then i think maybe he doesn't care either. And i look around trying to find that person that cares and I can't, and the crying won't stop. And then i try to find something to be happy about, and it stops the crying but then I just start again because I remember. And then all these images of me, jumping off buildings or shooting myself or hanging myself pop into my head and then i cry more because I imagine how painful it would be, how much it would hurt me, and then I wonder why I care so much about the physical pain when I can't even deal with the emotional pain now, and should just get it over with, and then i think about the way old people die, and how sometimes their lungs collapse or they suffocate or everything just stops, and I think about how I don't want to end up like that. And then i think about going to school in five hours and going through everything again, and it hurts, and I think about how people tell me it must not be too bad because I'm not "grown", or I don't take care of myself, or I'm not responsible for anything or anyone so I should be happy. And then i think about death again, and then i think about whether or not I should allow commenting on this because I know someone will comment that they "do care" and i won't believe them because I know it's just them feeling sorry for me, and it hurts that the people I don't even know feel sorry for me and the people i do know don't care. Or someone will say "I understand", "I feel the same way" and I know that they don't because we're all not the same inside our heads, and then i think about how many truants I have already, and wonder if the one i'm going to do in five hours will really screw up everything, and then i think about making a time machine and telling my mother to abort me because I'll become a crazy nazi person, and then i think of never existing and it makes the crying stop for now"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=178594

I'm just drifting away

2010-01-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

"So I have been in one of these sulking and depressed mood for the last two or three days. I don't really know why. I've never really been pessimistic but this feeling seems to obscure my thoughts.

I had just been so sad and lonely. Since my friends of college went away to varsities I've had less ppl to share my feelings with, in real life. Mom doesn't understand me, dad is posted somewhere else. And this loneliness is haunting. Since I don't even have a formal institution to attend to I can't have new friends.

This made me so exasperated that I was doubtful if the goals I've set for my life were right, if thats what I want to do? Then there was an urge to kill myself and end all the drama. NO! I AM TURNING TO A DEPRESSED EMO!

To cheer myself up I decided to watch some comedy. I got American Pie 5 for I've been watching that series recently. But it just made the feeling more intense. I also wanted my gf to be here. To give me company

Oh whatever I'm just drifting away. Maybe its just one of those intense feelings of teen age. Hope I get over this excited state soon."

Source: http://coldbreeze16.blogspot.com/

Death must offer nothing but peace

2010-01-06T14:47:00.001-08:00

"Why is everyone else so convinced there's a point. Even the depressed suicidal people my councilor tried to make me socialize with seemed to think that death was the point. Or at least a way to cope with the absence of one. I'm aware that i am one of those depressed suicidal people... over the past four years I've taken six overdoses, stolen over £700 from family and friends to spend on crap, been arrested twice for shoplifting, tried every anti-depressant in the book, been diagnosed with social anxiety, kicked out of first high school then college and i self harm. Apparently my opinions count for nought because i'm a loony. My brother has to have anger management because he can't control his little outbursts of frustration like when i forgot to shut his bedroom door and he threw me down the stairs breaking my arm; or when he caught me skiving school and pushed me in front of a car. My mother doesn't really understand me but i love her she's a good mum, so why does she deserve breast cancer. My sister is baby mad but her and her husband have been told she'll never be able to carry a baby to term. And now my dad's been rushed off to hospital following his second stroke. So what's the point. If my family (excluding me and my problems) have to suffer this kind of crap how can there be a higher power. Religion in my opinion is a load of ******** because honestly none of them make any sense. Death must offer nothing but peace so why won't anybody let me accept it."

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/why-am-i-the-only-one-who-cant-see/

I am seriously fucked

2010-01-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

"So I've been thinking a lot lately, which really is a pretty dangerous thing for me to do. When I think I usually just come to the conclusion that I'm too fucked and should just kill myself. I haven't exactly gotten that bad, yet, but I am certainly getting there.
Anyway, what I've been thinking about mostly the past few days is why I can't just like/fall in love with someone who might be a little bit good for me. I mean, why is it the only people I have any “romantic”(and that is a pretty fucked up meaning of that once nice word) feelings toward are clearly bad people? One person who I like has specifically told me they don't care whether they talk to me or not, another has actually destroyed my property, and a third is just a whole mess all by himself.
But then I can find three guys who have liked me. The first-compliments me endlessly. The second-has told me that I deserve to have people care about me(what an idiot, right?). The third- is possibly the sweetest, most innocent boy on the planet. Do I like them? Hell no. It bothers me that they like me. It actually annoys me.
I just cannot stand to be liked.
In a way I suppose I am protecting them because I realized a while ago that I tended not to like those nice boys who would treat me like a human being, but just recently someone questioned why I don't like to be liked, and I had no answer for him. I don't like to be liked because that's too simple, isn't it?
Why don't I just accept it? Why does everything have to be a freaking battle? I don't know. I would love to be in a normal relationship, but clearly the only ones I value are the ones where I get thrown around and treated badly. Yeah, perfect. If I am depressed more than happy then perfect!
I am seriously fucked."

Source: http://chibichibibear.livejournal.com/

You make me want to die

2010-01-04T15:38:00.000-08:00

"Paradox

You’re both a death sentence

and my oxygen

Just like a tourniquet

when a bone is broken

A deadly medicine,

A toxic antidote

And the lullaby i’ve got memorized

down to the final note.

You picked me up from hell

and left me to die just there.

We both know you can save me,

but you just don’t really care.

You try and piece me slowly

and I break when you hold me,

but I’ll pretend I’m fine

because you alone are my lifeline.

(Inside, you make me want to die.)"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/stupid-girl/

I started a suicide letter

2010-01-03T14:55:00.000-08:00

"I'm not sure why I keep a blog. As far as I know one person reads it. Not sure why people would want to read it, my life isn't exciting. If anything my life is depressing. I'm not happy. A lot of people don't know that, but I cry more than normal. I used to only cry when I thought of my dad or grandpa. Now I cry whenever I think of my life in general. We're going to start the search for a therapist soon. I need to be medicated. It got so bad I started a suicide letter, doubt I'd ever use it. I don't think I could really bring myself to kill myself. I'm just depressed."

Source: http://missiemonster.blogspot.com/

I used to have plans, but now nothing

2009-12-22T06:23:00.000-08:00

"i have hated life since the 1st grade.

I am only 12, but i have lived a life of extreme saddness

i have tried to kill my self about 10-12 times, yet each time there is something stopping me. I am very religious and i feel like god dose not care about me. He dose not want me here, but there is a reson i am here still. Right?

each time i try i try to stangle my self with either a knee high sock or rope. is there something that could helpme with that?

i am already going to a phycyatrist and i am on a 50 mg or 75 mg of zoloft

i tried prosac, it didnt work. i tried meditating like my aunt. still no results. sometimes i cut my self, yet i find it inconvinient if you just want to leave the face of the earth. Sometimes i say too much. once when with whom is now an enemy (used to be my best friend until one small coment), i blurted out that i was thinking about killing myself that very night. After that the only times she would talk to me was to just coment rude things about me, which im not sure i want to put on here.

Usually the one thing stopping me from dying, is a person. CONNOR. and ithink i might LOVE him. not middle school crush love, but actual love. Connor was with me the entire time through fifth grade up until now. i’ve never had the nerve to actualy tell him though…

but the people who make me feel like the most crap are all in my family.

my dad – he never pays any attention except every once in a while,

mom – she lies to me, she makes me want to run away every day.

my sister – sometimes she actually saves me, but she yells and screams at me, makes me feel like im not important.

i know what maybe all the people who read this may think “She dosent know what she is talking about! she is only twelve!”

i do know. i have an iq of 143. am i not smart? last year i ran for class tresurer, i got 10 vots because “im not smart enough” i am 4 foot 10, once again i am 12 obviously a reson i am teased.

once again i am 12, you may say i am only 12, but have you gone 4th grade with only 2 friends? well?

im only 12! i cant cope with it!

im also the type of person who thinks beauty isnt everything. so some mornings i go to school without brushing my hair. yet another reason i am teased.

im not sure with how much i can cope with at my age, with my life…

please if you care at all you would leave a comment telling me what i can do to change my life, make it better PLEASE.

i used to have plans, but now nothing"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/if-you-care-read/

Tired of playing this game we all call life

2009-12-21T06:36:00.001-08:00

"The one thing I want out of life the most is to have a family of my own.A husband thats not a dickhead and kids.

I just dont want to be alone anymore.I was raped, yes.And I feel like nobody really believes me, they get mad and throw it in my face.Saying it was my fault.Yes people, I wanted a large dick shoved in my vagina against my will.seriously? They also throw that i'll be alone for the rest of my life in my face.but i'm trying to heal, trying to cope, trying to move on and live my life.

I want a bf, but like I just can 'put myself out there'.My 21st bday is coming up and everyone says they are going to help me find someone...but I dont want to find someone at a bar or club...like really? Idk, its like everyone of my friends is either prettier, skinnier, or more outgoing than me.I'm really shy...even before above said fiasco.

I just dont want to be alone.I've never actually had a real bf and i'm almost fucking 21! What to do?

I know they say the best things come in time, but really I have no luck.I have nothing going FOR me...like really.I'm tired of waiting.

tired of playing this game we all call life."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/alone/14330907/

I hate my self so much

2009-12-20T08:13:00.001-08:00

"I woke up 2day and look in the miror and said 2my self “ur so ugly how culd any1 love or evan like u” and I got so angrey wid my self I smashed the miror luckaly my parents where asleep up steers coz if they new I broke it I wuld be in some deeper shit that I am already in now, y do I have 2 b ugly I hate my self so much I wish I culd just drop dead I’ve asked god 2 kill me but he never answered I almost kill myself last night with a knife but I chikend out see I’m also a big ugly fauila I can never do any thing there’s no point of me bing on this earth mayb I shuld overe dose myself with drugs!!!! No1 wuld care"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/shuld-i-just-do-it-now/

I shouldn't feel like this anymore

2009-12-19T07:54:00.000-08:00

"hey guys im still alive

unfortunately

i drink alone at night now

and on two occasions now, girls have tried to hook up with me and i just lock up. it's been ten months since my last relationship and i don't even know how to handle it anymore. shrinks don't help me. i wish i could die but i'm not strong-willed enough to kill myself. and to everyone else, i am this huge perfectionist. i just want to be held and i'm a grown adult and i shouldn't feel like this anymore. i'm tired of faking happiness, i just want to get drugged into being happy cause at this point that's the only way i'm going to feel it."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/aghgm/aahahahahah/

I have a list of reasons I am shit and reasons my life is shit in my head

2009-12-18T06:15:00.001-08:00

"I haven’t got a lot to say. I have had my ups and downs and, it seems, I only really feel the urge to write here when I’m either on a major downer or when I’m writing article-style to distract from a downer. I’m not the sort who writes when joy fills my soul. Those times are felt. Experienced. Lived.

So, deductively then, I must be on a major downer since I’m writing this. Yes. True.

I feel there is very little point to my life as of eight twenty-five pm, as I write this. By eight twenty-five pm tomorrow I have no idea if I will be feeling the same way or if my mind will be wandering down other avenues – I could be contemplating the relative merits of pickled beets over fresh. I don’t think I even realised that beetroot existed outside its purple-red vinegar drenched state until I was well into adulthood.

I have a list of reasons I am shit and reasons my life is shit in my head. I won’t bother writing them down because there’d be no point, as one of my main convictions right now (think we’ve moved on to eight-thirty pm now) is that there’s no point to my life and, surely, the corollary must then be that there’s no point to the reasons that point to my life having no point? At the very least no point in listing them. This is fun isn’t it?

I’m not going to kill myself. I have a pre-paid plane ticket to be in France for New Year’s. This by itself is not the whole reason I’m not killing myself. There are other reasons. Like, for instance I’m really busy being morose at the moment. It’s taking up all my time and energy and I like to put my all into a project once I get going. I’m just so busy being maudlin I cannot envisage creating a space in my schedule for suicide. I admit that’s not very forward-thinking of me."

Source: http://depressionetal.wordpress.com/

I am 17 and i want to jump off the bridge

2009-12-17T04:16:00.000-08:00

"i want to kill myself so badly. i dont want to be alive. but i cant hurt my family. i don't want to do this to my mom and dad, but i really cant bare to live anymore. i am 17 and i want to jump off the bridge"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=169845

This sounds bad but I feel that the best choice for me and the baby is death

2009-12-16T12:25:00.001-08:00

"This is kinda a sob story but I need some advice.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant and suffer from clinical depression. My pdoc and I decided that antidepressants would be good for me because of the depression and I’m currently taking 100mg of Zoloft. But the thing is that I feel no better. I guess you could say I’m better because I’m not constantly crying but that doesn’t mean much to me. I am unable to work because of the depression and schizo affective disorder…which means money if so tight that I can’t even buy shampoo when I need it. I’ve had to sell my books to make money to buy toilet paper and pay for a co-pay to visit a doctor. I’ve tried talking to the father of the baby but he wants nothing to do with me or the baby. I’m to the point where nothing seems to be ok and I feel that the future is just going to get worse and worse. The voices are getting louder and the shadow people are showing up everywhere. This sounds bad but I feel that the best choice for me and the baby is death. I don’t want the baby in a world where no one is willing to help out when it’s needed. I’ve tried getting cash assistance but I’ve been denied because apparently making nothing but what SSDI pays me is too much.

Here’s the thing. I’ve honestly been thinking about suicide a lot lately and I know that I should get help but why? The hospital, altho helpful, isn’t going to fix the problem. They might even decide to take the baby away if I make it to birth. I don’t want to lose the baby…and yes I know that contradicts my thoughts that the baby shouldn’t live in a world where no one will help out.

Geez I sound so pathetic. There are so many people out there who are worse off than I am and I want to kill myself…hahaha.

I’ve tried calling the clinic where I receive psychiatric help but I’m not allowed to have my pdoc’s office phone number and the nurse that is there never answers the phone. I leave messages but she still hasn’t gotten back with me and the last message I left was on Wednesday. I’m at my wits end.

My family, altho they said they’d help me with anything, lied. They won’t help buy food or shampoo. They won’t give me money for gas to put in my car. They think I’m making up the mood disorder and the voices and what not for attention. My older brother sent me a message on Facebook saying "Get a job and exercise." Family isn’t an option.

And before you say go to the hospital, I have disappointed my family by going to the hospital before and they’ve told me that I’d be a bigger disappointment if I went again.

I just don’t know what to do. The fact that I never sleep anymore doesn’t help. I’ve tried everything there. From changing my sleep patterns and hygiene to drinking warm milk and sleepytime tea. I’ve even been taking unisom because I can’t take insomnia meds. (I’m diagnosed with insomnia BTW).

What advice can you give me that might help.

Thanks
BTW, I’m unable to work because of my disabilities. If I didn’t mention that I am now. Please don’t suggest I get a job because I CAN’T work."

Source: http://insomniacurehomeremedy.com/2392/pregnant-and-depressed-please-read/

I have suicidal thoughts

2009-12-16T12:24:00.001-08:00

"All my life (im 22) Ive had a short attention span,trouble concentrating and have been very attention seeking, also my mum used to be horrible to me, call me horrible things,put me down alot,break my things,pick on me etc, when i got to 18 i moved out and began sofa surfing until i lived in several hostels, dabbled with drugs and alcohol not working, i got depressed and started self harming, i also had a terrible rage inside me, an anger at the world and everything. At 20, I met my now boyfriend, before him, my relationships only ever lasted a month, i used to get bored and didnt want to be tied down, but things grew and now we have been together for two years.We love each other but our relationship has been terrible, my anger,mood swings,jealousy depression has caused big fights between us, i cant take criticism,it makes me lose control for some reason, and i also have no self confidence or esteem which has led to me always beleiveing he will run off with a better woman.Im immature,i can be selfish too.I started to have cognitive behaviour therapy and when we got to my last session, the therapist said i am very sure you have adhd. You display all the symptoms for it, but we need to get you diagnosed. But then i moved house and had to have a new doctor, i went to see the new doctor and told her this and she read my notes and my therapist had written nothing about the adhd! so now im stuck becuase i really need help, all the while i am not being treated,i self harm, i have suicidal thoughts,im ok one minute,then i act like a monster, throwing things,punching things, screaming,shouting,always craving attention, and my boyfriend loves me,hes dealt with this the whole time but i can see and he can see that the love is slowly dieing.If i lose him, i will lose everything.I dont have many friends anymore,not very close to my family.I feel so alone and oneday he will leave all becuase im a nasty person and i cant control myself,I dont know what to do! i just want to kill myself becuase if i will go through life losing the ones i love all the time whats the point?"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/ADHD/what-can-i-do-to-beat-this/

My life is over

2009-12-15T07:40:00.000-08:00

"I'm gay. I'm. 16 and I switched schools because I hated my school. People at my old school started rumors I was gay and ironicaly I am gay. Well I go to my new school and it starts out great. I make friends yada yada yada.... Until someone at my old school told someone at my new school I was gay. Now everybody believes it. Today my friend asked if I was gay. I'm just depressed. I feel worthless. I want to try and kill myself. I'm close to that. I don't know whatelse to do. I feel as if my life is over and it's happening in front of me and I can't do anything to stop it....help... V-V "

Source: http://breakkup.com/with-me/depressed-worthless/

How i wish that i was dead

2009-12-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

"im evolved around friends whom are very interesting to me... some annoying, some super shy, some talkative, some jokeful.... but it never come to my mind that some are weak that they tend to commit suicide as in kill them in order to live a peaceful live.... a friend of mine nearly did that on saturday night stating words of leaving this world making everyone panic and making me awake in the night while i was sleeping....

due to one break up it means end of the world to them.... i know i have no rights to say this but he is a guy and dont you think commiting sucide just for a guy you broke up with and what is more you yourself is a guy too *GAY* i would say this as rubbish... im not trying to make things worst but all this is really not worth it.... my friend told me that he has been trying to eat pills in order to sleep.... plan failed and now plan B.... what is this man... got up went on9 again and comfort him and tell him is not worth it and bla bla bla.... in the end i screwed him for doing such thing..... i shared with him my experience and all he said was sorry

at points i do have sucidal thoughts in me.... how i wish that i was dead now and to forget what is going on.... what im facing..... i do not only one suicidal thought but bountiful of them.... when im depressed i tend not to eat... make myself sick so that i wont be able to go out and meet ppl.... lock myself and just concentrate on my problems.... and in the end i not only hurt myself but the people around me....

if i wasnt a christian i might have just killed myself.... but thankfully i am and with the help of friends... i manage to get out of it.... anyway carving myself was actually part of my suicidal though hmmmmm but it leads to a scar which cannot be removed unless i purchased some scar removal product....

at times ppl do fall and that is when ppl need encouragement.... at times ppl success and hence pride comes which makes others dislike.... for more reason we need to be humble and balance it up.... it is a month of happiness as christmas is coming.... i do not wanna go through a month of crying and emoness around me..... MOVE ON PPL~~~~"

Source: http://boonmo.livejournal.com/11896.html

I see my destiny in death

2009-12-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

"I'm a 14 years old fat boy I hate my life so much people always telling me that I have good feelings and (bla, bla, bla)`i have been regret by so many people in cluding my friends.One day we where planing a dance and the teacher gave me a couple that regret me because I was fat and he told the teacher that for dance with me she would ance with other fat guy in the class room.Since that day io feel depresive I have been thinking in death so many times.Since that moment I think in the past and I reaction that people have always been rejecting me.I have cut my-self I tried to kill with pills and I really dont feel good.I get depresive when people are apologyzing cause I know they dont care about my life.I really want to die and dont know what to do can someone gave me a recomendation please.I don't care for my life anymore I have visit profesional help and nothing please people help me.And I don't want people that tell me not to do it just need some people to share them stories and gave recomendations.I listen gothic music heavy metal I listen everything that put me down plz someone help me

If u guys know about my life u would say is a perfect life I have a girlfriend that I love 2 much I love my family I have 2 cousins one of 5 years old and the other 2 years =) but ultimately I'm always depressed I don't wanna live where I'm leaving I wanna get out of this country I have a grandmother that I love with all my heart the whole family of my dad and mom love me I have almost everything but I dont know why i'm always waning 2 kill my self I still listen that music wi m not dead because I dont have the strengh 2 kill myself because I know what I'm gonna do to killl my self and just that family and everything that I have keep me alive but I wanna die 100% I know I would hurt a lot of people but I see my destiny in death and I'm gonna think it again I think I would kill next week =( I was emo"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/idk-just-read-and-comment/14330141/

I'm losing faith

2009-12-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

"Ok. I have been struggling with depression since 7th grade. I've been out of school for 4 years now and it's worse than ever. I've even managed to come up with some pretty severe anxiety too. I wouldn't say I'm SEVERELY depressed ALL the time but when I have "episodes" as I call them ... I fall so deep into a depression, suicide is my only thought. I can only wonder ... how long will it keep going like this? We're trying two medications at once and it's still not helping. I'm losing faith in medication and therapy ... is there nothing else? What can I do???"

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8598311-im-sad

I'm just getting myself more and more stuck and there doesn't seem to be a way out

2009-12-11T11:06:00.001-08:00

"I'm so sick of life. I just feel more and more depressed all the time and I feel so lonely as well. I just want to kill myself. I can't be bothered with anything... it all seems so pointless to me. I'm probably not going to get anywhere anyway I'm too lazy...

I feel like a failure anyway... even when I do try my hardest at things something always ends up going wrong anyway and I fail miserably. Then I just feel like a disappointment and I feel like crying. I don't see how anythings going to get better for me anyway since I have no motivation to do anything other than sleep.

People on ep have told me to get help get counseling and whatever but I can't. That's just... kind of scary and I'm to shy to speak up about it. No matter how hard I try words won't come out of my mouth.

I don't know what to do anymore... I'm just getting myself more and more stuck and there doesn't seem to be a way out."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=167975

I hate my life

2009-12-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

"I’m sad. I hate my life. I only have a few friends and most of them don’t like me that much.

This morning, I left an umbrella outside on my school bus stop as I climbed onto the bus. I thought my grandma would come and get it like she always did but she didn’t. She screamed at me when I came home. I feel that my entire family hates me, especally my brother. He curses at me and calls me stupid everyday.

"I have a strange fear. I am afraid of everything my brother touches and things that touch that and so on. I see those things as dirty. I won’t even go into my bed anymore. Nobody ever goes into my room but my bed is ‘dirty’ so I sleep sitting on a chair in the closet.

I am a christiann ever since I was born but when I started to go to church everyweek, I started to hate God. My family doesn’t know.

I feel that I have ruined my life and I want to commit suicide and finish it for all."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/sad/

The End

2009-12-09T14:50:00.001-08:00

"Right at this moment, I can at least think about it. However a few days ago, I was about ready to go through with dying. I was so depressed that my mind hurt, that I could almost not think of anything else but a way out. Every new day feels like I just trying to distract myself, like I am procrastinating what I need to do. Everything has been wrong for a long time, and its been getting worse lately, to make a longer story short.

I haven't told any of my friends really. (don't have a very close relationship to family) I have told my girlfriend I am depressed, and hinted to other friends that I am suicidal and/or depressed, but I think they think I am joking...I joke around a lot. I am afraid to tell them, because if I actually do tell them then when they realize how serious I am, they will probably begin a series of events that will lead me to being hauled off to some sort of suicide watch ward. I am not sure exactly how likely I am to go through with it...but I guess I am serious enough that I don't want to cut out any options at this point.

To be truthful, I am scared. I am scared of what would happen if I were sent to a ward, or whatever you want to call it. I feel like it would be humiliating. I do not think I could control who all found out. On the other hand, death would just be sweet release. Nothingness. The End.

I am not really sure what I am trying to say, actually. I don't know what I expect. In real life, I have become so accustomed to acting normally even though I am far from OK, that I find it hard to even talk about feeling this way. I tried a couple times. It doesn't feel natural, it feels like I would be talking about somebody else. I don't know how to describe it.

But here I am."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/acow1/thinking_about_going_through_with_it_tbh/

I'm trying very hard

2009-12-08T19:09:00.001-08:00

"I have been diagnosed many things, including bipolar and depression and what not. After suffering my whole life, i don't think i have bipolar, where as i have a mood disorder with symptoms of depression. I frequently want to kill myself, and rarely try anymore.

I'm too scared that i will spend eternity in hell if i commit suicide, and untill i know that i won't burn forever, i wont do it.

I'm trying very hard. I have beaten of a 5 year battle with dope and booze, as well i have quit smoking for 3/4 of a year. I try to better myself everyday, but i still am dealing with short intense depressions that make me want to kill myself. I feel like i always am depressed, but really i have low self esteem and years of bad thinking patterns. I am a cool guy i guess, but i still don't quite believe it. I work everyday on thinking 'correctly' about myself and life in general, but its being a battle.

if anyone else has a similar experience feel free to contact me if you want to work on getting better togethter, or if you just want to tell me something. I would like to help."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Battle-Depression/809122

Sorry

2009-12-07T14:06:00.000-08:00

"i find i use listening to sad music as a way of being accessing my thoughts and emotions. i try block them out and have found the key to doing that is to listen to happy music only. but i have recently found about 4 really nice songs but they are sad and about people dying and commit suicide. it makes me sad but i find its only in the times that i get so extremely low that im condidering suicide i am able to acually acess what it is i feel. lik when i wrote the list of reasones to go, it wasnt a list of just why to go but a list of problems and its the list that when professionals ask my to say in therapy i have never ever been able to say to anyone.
so at one point of view its great i can finally access my true feelings and write them out in some way to give to the professionals but at same time i also just about ready to kill myself. there isnt really any half way ground either with the music.
i just dont know, i know you have to get worse to get better but i feel its dangerous bussiness. my crisis team appear to have left me now for some reasone just stoped calling and stuff and i only get my therapy once every two weeks , i just feel so alone in doing this.

i guess i dont really know the point in this post becasue im waffling but i just feel alone in trying to figure whats wrong with me.

sorry."

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8584059-processing-thoughtssad-music

I'm just so tired and fed up now... its all becoming too hard

2009-12-06T16:25:00.000-08:00

"I'm still alive, just haven't been posting.

Things in my previous post didn't go as badly as I thought they would. The CPA meeting went alright although I was unbelievably anxious. Lots of reports about my past and how I come to be in the hospital were read out which was uncomfortable for me but I managed to cope.
I tested positive for Dissociative Identity Disorder which wasn't a big surprise although the therapist would like to continue with observations.
My main concern was about when we would start the trauma work. It was decided that I'm not strong enough to deal with the trauma at the moment, and given the fact that it will take a long time they think its best to just help me deal with every day life. I'm disappointed with the decision. I don't wait until I'm strong enough because what if I ever won't be? And what if it is years before I'm strong enough? I want to start it all now so I can get on with my life. *Sigh*
Everyone Else's concern was what will happen when I turn 18 in January. My local adolescent mental health team are looking into what the adult services may be able to offer and of course there is the concern of if I will be able to cope at home or will I have to try and get funding to be moved to an adult ward. None of those queries have been answered so I've been left feeling like after Christmas there is nothing - I can't see a future because I don't know what the possibilities are.
But in general it was a good meeting and everyone was pleased to see that I was working so hard.

I've felt really low the last few weeks and if I am honest, I've been suicidal. I haven't made any plans, but I've had thoughts.
I've not been sleeping well, I got too used to the sleeping tablets and they stopped working. On one night I had less than three hours sleep in total. Anyone knows, that if you don't have depression and you suffer from insomnia that it can make you very run down and low enough as it is... so the depression and all the other things I'm trying hard to cope with has just made it almost unbearable.
I've just been so tired that I became tired of fighting to get better. I wanted (and suppose still want) to just give up. I'm too tired to care. I don't have the energy to cope anymore. I can't see a future and I can't be bothered with it.
Although I've been feeling so shit I have been making the effort to use distraction techniques. When I was first admitted mum brought me a word search puzzle book and I have been doing them a lot this week - so much that I brought two more today in town. I've also been able to ask for medication when things become too over-whelming but before I'm allowed it I have to tell staff how I'm feeling (not necessarily why but just so they are aware) so its all helpful...

I've been switching a lot this week. Last week I was switching a lot in the evenings but this week its been during the day as well. I think its taken a while for everybody to get used to being in such a different environment, especially one that leaves them quite exposed if they came out and its away from Gareth who has become their (and my) safety net. I think perhaps having a confirmed diagnoses of DID has made them feel a bit safer in the knowledge we can safely say that we're not making it up.
I don't always have good communication with the others, or I forget to ask them something so on the back of my door I've put up a piece of paper and left notes for the alters. They've written back which is interesting to see their different handwriting. Jade apparently made my bed and Lilly has at some point been out but both of which I don't know when. I brought a notebook today so that the notes can continue but in a little bit more private - if I have visitors I don't want them reading everything.

Its nearly Christmas which means I will be seeing my Dad's side of the family a lot again. They will ask what have I been up to, and how college is going and every thing like that. I want to tell them so much that actually I've been in a mental hospital for the last 2 months, I try to kill myself regularly and I have multiple personality disorder because I've been abused so much. I want it out of attention from them. I want it because I want to see if they actually care about me. And last of all, I want it because I'm so fucking sick of saying "oh you know, not up to much really, just the usual". I want to tell people the fucking TRUTH about ME! For once I want them to care about ME!!! ME!! Why does it always have to be about them! Why can't they worry about me for once in their fucking lives! *takes a deep breath*
Mum doesn't want anyone to know, because she thinks it will cause more shit for me as certain family members may be nasty about it and use it against me. It kinda feels like shes ashamed of me and my problems sometimes... *sigh* I'm just sick of having to hide who I really am when I'm at home or around family... when at hospital I have to learn all over again to let people see me.... its just hard and I'm tired of pretending... and its actually making me feel lonely because I feel like I have no one to talk to or relate to.

I'm just so tired and fed up now... its all becoming too hard."

Source: http://beautifuldisaster-sparkle.blogspot.com/

Me = Pain

2009-12-05T16:13:00.001-08:00

"How should I kill myself.?... I know my family lost a lot of love for me. I am starting to accept that. All I know of now is I want to put the loved ones around me out of pain. Me= Pain. Can someone just be honest with me, and tell me the least painful way to put myself out of pain, I would like to die peaceful in my my bed. My Mother got tooth surgery and was given painkillers, Ketorolac is the pills they are called. Would this work?"

Source: http://mentalhealthcares.blogspot.com/2009/12/how-should-i-kill-myself.html

It would be nice to talk to someone who understands me

2009-12-04T18:49:00.001-08:00

"Ummm..... Okay how do I start this.... Well im depressed and ive been dealing with alot in my life right now. I've attempted suicide and I cut myself. I have not told any of my family and only told like one friend. I read some of this stuff posted on here about depression and self harm. but im not getting any of it. They all say the same thing and that is to tell someone and/or to stop and how it is not good for you and how there are alternatives. Well.. I hate to sound mean and im not trying to but really dont speak inless you know how we feel. Because It's not right I know how I feel and I feel there are no alternatives.

I dont feel like any of these people had mentioned about why people cut themselves and why they self harm. Well if you want to know the truth about why we do it you can ask me. But i need help which is why I kind of came here. So if you know how I feel and really actually care then could you like message me... It would be nice to talk to someone who understands me. I need to vent. I write poetry too which is how i get some of my anger or depressinon out. But if you are interested in helping someone. Im here please I would love to talk and maybe I can help you with something too. But please???"

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/85894-maybe-i-need-life-help.html

I'd like to divorce myself

2009-12-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

"I don't know whether it's the damn fuck-fucking holidays, the fact that my court date for the divorce is hanging over my head (with no immediate end in sight), the fact that I can't lose weight to save my life, despite adding some exercise in, or what the fucking-fuck, but SB's ass is in a funk. Sorry folks, but that's what you get for being a regular reader of a blog written by a moody manic-depressive asshole.

I actually called yesterday to catch up with a good friend, who I have been out of touch with for months now, and at some point in the conversation, this friend said, "You sound really angry." This was after I explained to her not to take my out-of-touchness personally and that I haven't been doing much of anything--just getting through the damn work day and going home to the cats.

I had another old friend try to make plans to get together with me before the holidays the other day, and I told her there was no way and scheduled dinner in January.

I was really happy when I first moved out of my marital home, but now I am just energy-less and depressed. I guess divorce (even when you know it's totally necessary) is still like grieving a death. I am in the anger phase now, motherfuckers. I am pissed off that this court date is hanging over us--I just want to have it done with. Frankly, I felt divorced the day I signed the lease on the new digs. It was over when I moved my shit out. All this court bullshit is just dredging everything back up again. I am extremely pissed off that the government is involved in my personal relationship. Those fuckers even get to tax my paltry settlement check. So, yeah, I guess I am angry.

The Moms pissed me off by hanging up on me, and I haven't spoken to her in about three weeks now. I am mad that when I could really use the support, she had the fucking sheer brattiness to hang up on me. If a motherfucker hangs up on SB, SB does NOT call back. You teach a bitch how to treat you. The Moms always says that, and it is correct, and now she is learning it too.

This is it boys and girls. This is about as personal as SB cares to get. I just wanted all of you fuckers to know that I am not feeling very funny currently, and the posts may be somewhat sporadic.

For those of you that have my phone number or e-mail, this is NOT a plea for support. I really just want to be left alone to work through this. It will pass. Everything does.

Some random thoughts this morning. (Lucky you!)

1) Was Catherine Zeta-Jones sorry she married Michael Douglas, because basically, her ass sacrificed a semi-promising career to marry that Pepaw? Do they live in unadulterated bliss? Was it worth it? (I told you motherfuckers I think REALLY deep thoughts in the morning. I just can't turn the shit off.)

2) I don't believe in the kind of soul-mate passionate love assholes depict in the movies. I really don't.

3) I have lost my goddamn JOY in life, and I wish whoever took that shit would fucking give it back.

4) If I have to endure one more gray rainy pre-winter day, I am going to kill myself. (I actually said this to the dog this morning. In return, she farted. And it dawned on me that THAT fucking response was about as meaningful as anything man has come up with in thousands of years. The Buddha would have farted in response, too. That's about how meaningful this life is. There is no meaning besides what we subscribe to things.)

5) My khaki work pants have gotten so fucking tight, that after I zippered and buttoned them, I had to yank them the fuck up HARD (which momentarily hurt my moneymaker), or I would have come to work with plumber's crack. I threw a long sweater on to cover that shit up. Said sweater accentuates my fat overfed American ass.

[I would continue here with the chain of thought, but you get the picture. Some days, my own cynicism makes me want to throw up. I'd like to divorce myself.]"

Source: http://sarcastbastard.blogspot.com/

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m finished. I’m done. I think I’ll just exit stage left.

2009-12-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

"It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I’m finished. I’m done. I think I’ll just exit stage left. I can’t deal with this bullshit of life anymore. I’m originally from the East Coast – Maryland, but I’m now living on the West Coast – California. I came out here because I was tired of my parents after high school, so I just left and tried to carve my own path – unsuccessfully. Throughout my life and up to high school since I graduated last year I have been treated like crap. I got no respect whatsoever in school. Every girl I knew rejected me even to go to the Senior Prom. I ended up not going.
All my friends went to college, while I didn’t. They lived out their dreams. I just ended up coming out here, miles away from an unsatisfactory existence in my old hometown. I thought I’d be happier here, but I’m not.
I’ll never forget when I told my parents I was driving to California to start a new life. My dad was reading the newspaper, and he was like “ok.” And continued. My mom was like “have fun.” When I left, they said goodbye. No hugs, no kisses. I’ve been in California since July of last year. The road trip was fun. I got no phone calls, no letters, no nothing from my parents. I haven’t talked to them since I left I guess it was true, they don’t like me. Apparently, I heard my grandpa say “Good riddance” and my parents basically said the same thing plus they’re glad I’m gone and out of their way.
Now, I work for a computer company out here in Silicon Valley, it’s alright. I can afford my own apartment and such. I still get treated like crap, even at work. I get disrespected so much by my coworkers.
This really beautiful chick I had my eye on for a while rejected me too and told me she was single, but ended up accepting another guy who asked her out after me.
Live just continues to suck. It seems like there’s nothing good that can come out of life anymore. I look at all these people who have great lives and I just envy them. I never got to have that. I never will. I can’t see how some people can be so happy by life. It sucks. It’s meaningless.
So, I proposed a solution. Since I’m 19, I went and got a gun. It’s a really powerful gun. I plan to just obliterate myself with it. Then this crappy life will be over and it will be great. Nonexistence is alot better than trying to survive this hell, day to day. There’s no point in living. My parents SURE don’t give a damn about me. I have no friends. I have no concrete reason to continue living. I have no hope.
I’ll just merge a bullet with my brain and then I’ll die here, 2000 miles away from home.
I don’t believe in God anymore either, so don’t give me that crap of “I’m going to hell”. I stopped believing in God last year.
I just felt like I needed to get this off of my chest before the end."

Source: http://siliconvalley10.cityspur.com/2009/12/01/i-cant-deal-with-this-anymore-2/

I haven't been getting that many answers and it's just eating away at me

2009-12-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

"Please answer this. I haven't been getting that many answers and it's just eating away at me. I know it's long. Tomorrow's my therapist appointment and I've been thinking a lot this past week if I should just stop seeing my therapist and psychiatrist all together. I've been seeing them since the summer and there hasn't been any change... But maybe the reason there hasn't been any change is b/c I don't need to change b/c there's nothing wrong with me. The only reason I started seeing them is b/c I have been meaning to kill myself and tried to a few times before. So I just think it'd be easier to not want to kill yourself than to continuously try to and be scared to when you try. So I just think I'm going b/c of that and not b/c I have an actual psychological problem... Well if any of you have a psychological disorder (such as depression, bipolar, BPD...) can you let me know EXACTLY how you feel and if you think I may be feeling the same things as you and am justified in saying that I have this disorder. I just sometimes feel that my psychiatrist is humoring me when she tells me I have a problem... But anyway... Some of the things that may qualify as 'not normal' about me are:

- Constant suicidal thoughts
- Usual 'low' mood
- I always feel worthless and hate myself and am disgusted by myself (probably my biggest problem)
- I can get very excited very easily over small stupid things (such as eating a certain meal) and can get very depressed very easily over small stupid things (such as a friend 'jokingly' making fun of my thumbs) - this usually happens once or twice every two weeks or so
- I NEVER let anyone know how I'm feeling especially if they're feelings of sadness
- I'm extrememly protective over all my stuff

Ok that's how I am now. One of the main reasons I doubt I'm depressed is b/c 5 years back when I was 13, my problems were A LOT worse, so they just seem really insignificant and dialed down now. I used to have depressive episodes every night with a lot of crying, had 3 panic attacks that year, had manic episodes most mornings, was very paranoid, delusional (and so, did not trust anyone for 'help'), and I thought I could hear and see things. So, I think part of the reason I'm acting this way now is maybe b/c I miss how it was back in grade 8, which I found to be my best and worst year. This isn't something sudden that's come back this year, though. It's just died down after grade 9.

So, do you guys think there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm doing this all for attention? That's something that I consider a lot and I think my therapist and psychiatrist think so to. Plus, the more I'm starting to see them the more I realize that they're starting to make me feel a lot worse about myself. Have any of you experienced this with any of your psychiatrists or therapists? If you have, did changing the psych or therapist help or was it solely your problem?"

Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091130214825AAgrkws

For real this time

2009-11-30T15:42:00.000-08:00

"record this moment as lowest of lows. really sick with some sort of flu thing, stayed home from school today...er college. and me and my boyfriend were discussing something important and now hes ignoring both me and the discussion we had previously. i think i am so depressed right now id kill myself. for real this time."

Source: http://tenwilgetufive.livejournal.com/

I plan on shutting these voices for good...M1A1 a true friend

2009-11-29T16:22:00.000-08:00

"amist all the shit...I finally got the blogspot to work on the pda. yeah, but not really. whoopity fucking doo. I hate this technological crap. help me I can't see the network drive, my computer crashed again, my calls aren't being forwarded to me cell phone. Oh my God really? you think that people using a computer every day would have a little common sense. oh well... I guess I need a job. I think I am going to go and try to enlist again. Maybe Scott can pull some strings. I got the official college credit sheet now.

we will see...looking forward to this weekend. one way or another this shit life is going to end. and I don't believe it is going to pretty.

actually. sometimes I want 2 burn on the outside as much as the empty burns from lonileness fuel on the inside. this empty eating eating driving my dreams of things I can't yet have. I yearn for the touch of one that may never come. the desicrated sooul I have become from the blackest hate I receive. the mis leading hypocracy games played by the ones they say they love me...games played out of love is useless..the voices in my head screaming the hatefull words and jugement you have done. I plan on shutting these voices for good...M1A1 a true friend. I believe I will take a vacation to either alaska or antartica. they are no human enemies at negative 50 degrees. soooo.... "

Source: http://td3scott.blogspot.com/

I don't even give a fuck anymore. Just kill me now.

2009-11-28T13:16:00.000-08:00

"ended up in hospital last week. soooo disappointed in not succeeding this time. i thought for sure it would work.
it's been up and down since then, almost manic-depressive. i'm probably misdiagnosed.
i don't even give a fuck anymore. just kill me now."

Source: http://depressedless.blogspot.com/

I chose post-Easter because I didn't want to ruin any major holidays

2009-11-27T14:33:00.000-08:00

"I will kill myself.
I know my family will hurt, but the other people I know will move on and be okay.My friends will forget about me.And things will be normal again, I hope.

The thought of hurting my family, and the cost of my funeral, is the main reason I haven't offed myself already.

I know I'm selfish, but...I just can't be here anymore.

I chose post-Easter because I didn't want to ruin any major holidays."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/after-easter-2010/14328615/

I just want to permanently lose consciousness

2009-11-26T15:21:00.003-08:00

"I'm bipolar and I've been getting more and more depressed recently. My therapist (who I really like) wants to end sessions because I'm not really making any progress.

There's a girl I had a really good relationship with for a while who now wants to "just be friends" but still wants me to sleep with her, just not have any real relationship. I'm terrified of rejection so I can't bring myself to meet anyone new. I really need people though so I still do stuff with her even though I feel terrible about wasting my time with something that can't go anywhere.

I've spent most of this past week trying to stay asleep just so I won't think about things. After going a fair amount of time without cutting myself last week I started again and I did a lot today. I've been taking over the counter sleeping pills just to keep reality at bay (I know how insanely stupid that is). I'll go a day or so without eating because I just feel sick to my stomach all the time. I spend a lot of time fantasizing about being dead and know exactly how I should do it. The only reason I have for not just killing myself is what it would do to my sister. I love her more than anything but I hate my life. I have to stick around just so I don't disappoint her. All I want anymore is to have a few close relationships with other people but I'm too afraid of them hating me to even talk to them.

I just want to permanently lose consciousness so I won't have to deal with all the stuff I'm so scared of. I don't have any personal reason to stay alive anymore.

I've posted here way too much so mods feel free to delete this."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a882w/i_just_want_to_quit/

I’ve lost any hope of living a happy life

2009-11-25T18:10:00.001-08:00

"I’m depressed. I don’t see any point in life anymore. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and yet I still can’t sleep at night. Whenever I do get a few hours sleep my dreams are always strange and unsettling, which leave me worried and anxious. I never feel happy. Nomatter how I try and distract myself with things such as voluntary work, guitar, studying, my friends, I still feel so depressed and most of the time I loathe myself. I loathe everything about me. From the way I look, to all the things I have failed at, to everything I’ve ever done that has hurt someone. I hate the things I think. It’s not normal to want to kill yourself every hour of every day. I know that.

I know that it’s treatable, but in my family theres not one person who’s been totally cured of their mental illness. My father has been on antidepressants for years now, my Granda has suffered from chronic depression and S.A.D. My Grandas sister was bipolar, and a poorly controlled one at that. I’ve had two suicides in my far out family circle and yet no one has ever been cured. I mean, looking at my family history doesnt leave me with much hope. While it’s true that medicine may come up with a proper cure for depression someday, I’m not sure if I’ll be around to see that day.

I know that suicides not the answer. It’s a permanent end to a temporary problem. But my temporary problem seems to have been with me all my life. I attempted suicide for the first time when I was 13/14 I can’t remember my actual age. But as far back as when I was 9 and 10, I might have been playing or having fun, but I would feel sad. For no reason. My clearest memory of that is when I was on a school trip in primary school, I might have been 9 or 10 at the time and we went to a swimming pool/adventure place. I remember me standing in the water, with all my friends, and really feeling sad. And I still don’t know why. It was like a heartbreaking sadness, like one that makes you tear up and want to cry.

Ever since I was a little kid I’ve loved books, I love immersing myself in another world, in another person’s life for a few hours. I try and escape from the drudgeries of this life by reading fantasy novels, daydreaming about things and generally tuning the world out. When I was in primary school I was bullied because of my love of books and the way I never used to be involved in any of the fun or badness the other children were up to. Because I was different in this way, I got picked on for two years, in p4 and p5, where I would have been 7 or 8years old. Even now I’d nearly rather read a good book than go out and get wasted in some nightclub somewhere.

Because of the bullying, I had very few, if any friends for two years. Even now I find it hard to read people. I don’t know when someone is angry at me or just tired. Whether they’re laughing at me or with me. And as I’m so paranoid, I usually end up taking things the wrong way and starting an argument. Nowadays I have a few pretty good friends. I have a large enough social circle-people I’d chat to, but wouldn’t count as friends I could talk to about anything meaningful.

I don’t know. I feel so sad and depressed all the time. It’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. Somedays I have been doing something like ironing or studying, and I just feel so sore both inside my head, my heart and my chest. And then I can’t stop crying. It feels like I’ve actually slowed down, both mentally and physically. Even my parents have noticed, sayin how I’m so slow doing things etc.

I get really angry too. At myself mostly, which then is deflected into anger towards people around me, mostly my family. It makes me feel guilty that I get so angry with them for stupid things, when I know that it’s really my problem, not theirs. I’m starting to lose hope. I’ve lost any hope of living a happy life. I can’t even remember the last time I was really happy to be honest. I can’t see myself having any sort of a future, in anything. I’m only 19, and yet for the last 9 or 10 years of my life, I have wanted to be dead. My family would be better off without me, my friends wouldn’t really notice me gone anyway, apart from a couple, and I don’t contribute anything to anyone at all anyway.

I’m depressed

Midge"

Source: http://anotherteenagemisfit.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/no-title/

I have a really good feeling about dying now

2009-11-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

"I walked in the rain today, I always thought I would die on a sunny day, not hot, just sunny… the first warm day in spring yeah, I feel like I’m choking, I felt a lot this way lately, I was just too numb today and yesterday like my mind is washed out and there’s only one idea that keeps buzzing my mind, I can’t even breath well lol, I didn’t have a good day in a long time, I’m cracking my head trying to remember when was the last good day I had, but I can’t and it makes me sad… I waned to recall something good or happy, I don’t even know why…

so forget about that, the last time I wished for something to happen was last week, I wished that I could take back last year…. just live one day of the last year once again, and I wouldn’t change anything… last year I thought I was having the worst days in my life, but compared to now they were the best, really, I wish I could take back one day, just one day, I wouldn’t change a single action that I did, but I would only do one thing, I would enjoy that day, and then I would come back and tell you guys that that was the last good day I had… I just want to live one day of last year, to take back a moment and hold on to it… because that’s what I missed in life, enjoyment, for good or bad, I bet no one knows what the hell am I saying, I don’t expect you to… I don’t even know why I’m posting here, isn’t ironic?!,,, on my last day I just post to a bunch of people that I don’t even know…

I don’t even have anything to say, I’m trying to spend the time so I wont puke, I’ve to focus on something else, I wish I had someone to talk to… someone that would understand how I feel, but there’s no one really, only my boyfriend and if I talked to him… I’d never make it to death XD I would keep crying and feel weak, and I’m sick of crying and/or being weak…I’m just too in love with him… but I can force myself to be cold sometimes and bury my heart no problem, I wish I knew him way longer before I actually did, not that it would change anything but it would at least be a good thing, I don’t know how to say that, but it would be a good thing to have him,

I have a really good feeling about dying now, it’s serial, weird, I hope with all my heart and soul that it’s true, I feel so cold and sick but maybe I’m nervous and I don’t know, I just, my mind seems to be unable to process anything right now, at all, I’m thinking if I lived after I would suffer from a sever emotional and mental breakdown… I know that feeling very well, I’d be nothing but a ghost… a black light

and to God “FUCK YOU!!!” with all my heart… well yeah I feel like there’s a God, I don’t know how to describe that feeling but yeah he’s there I can feel that, but Fuck him! I’ll never believe in him, not for a single day, what’s the use of a bitchy God?! seriously not a single mother fucker comments here telling about God though I probably wont get to read that, even if I lived I wont give a fuck to read anything, or post but not a single mother fucker comments to this post talking about your God and his tests and crap, God is a mother fucker and I will never believe he’s fair to his creatures or whatever the hell you call him… what did I do?… what did I do to be raised to hate? what did I do to have depressive genes?! what did I do to be taught to hate myself?… what did I do to be born here? what did I do to be born anyway?!… I say Fuck God and his followers those filthy animals that follow with blind eyes and eat crap for the name of your fucking lord saying “I’m a believer” well I’m a sinner I’ll die a sinner if you call being atheist as a sin anyway, I’ll die proud of what I am no matter how fucked up… at least I never lied to myself!!…

Good-bye

summer,"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/my-last-post-to-be/

I'm so torn

2009-11-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

"I'm in a bad place right now - Married for 2 and half years but have met the love of my life elsewhere. I spend everyday working out how to see my mistress. I love my wife but can't live without my mistress. My mistress has pressured me into spending Christmas with her and all available time. I'm so torn that I think ending it all is the only way out."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a76zl/close_to_the_edge/

I realize that I am looking for something that will finally amount to anything in my life

2009-11-22T07:04:00.000-08:00

"Before I even get started; please don’t post ANY websites or phone numbers if those links or numbers require any information or registration from me. If you are going to answer this question, please answer it in full in your post or suggestion, without you providing further information that I would have to surf away from this thread. I think its really crappy of some people to exploit people who are in serious need of answers, by giving out advertisement links or spam that can only make things worse. If you think you must post a link, at least explain the link and make sure that I don’t have to provide ANY information if I go to your crappy site to find answers. Again, please do not provide me with any links that will require me to register or give any information to help me. I am seeking Answers, not more things to do.
I am considering quietly murdering myself because of several issues that have mounted on top of each other in a large unsolvable stink of a pile.
1. I have a very extensive criminal record that is for the most part not sealable. I have never murdered anyone, but i have a felony that I am a fugitive from - a drug charge from over seven years ago. I was not dealing, but we did have medication in a car I was in. I have a few misdemeanors on my record. I also have several dismissed cases that I cannot afford to get sealed.
2. I am disabled by state approval, it is hard for me to work. I am highly antisocial and do not get along well with anyone.
3. I am ugly and skinny and male. I am an adult. Because I have no money to take care of my teeth, the deep scars on my face, and my body getting older, I have serious issues all around. I am balding, I have distended muscles. Most of my problems come from damage in aging and I have no support from others to help me back to mental and physical health.
4. I have ABSOLUTELY no family support and no friend support. As a result of something my parents did to me in my life, I have suffered immeasurable trauma, which has caused serious further issues.
5. I am likely 100,000 dollars in debt and I own NOTHING worth equity. My debt includes repossessions and loans insurmountable b/c I cannot work a job. The debts are only getting worse but luckily I can’t afford much any more.
6. I have no degree worth more than minimum wage, noone will hire me b/c of a criminal background unexpungable, and b/c I am in such poor health.
7. B/C I have no money except for the disability check I get each month and food stamps, I have little left for myself and for anything extra. It is nearly impossible to wash clothes, or do anything else but sit at home and let the bills rack up.
8. I am in current criminal trouble b/c someone took advantage of my living situation. I wrote a bad check from a closed bank account that I had, I did not know I wrote the check on the closed account. When I found out the person was trying to steal from me, I reported it. However, they reported the check to the police later. I cannot afford small claims, an attorney, assistance, phone calls, and I cannot afford probation.
9. I would rather not be homeless. I live in a small shack of an apartment and I live alone. I cannot afford a pet.
It is true that I am looking for a simple answer, or if the answer is not simple - then just one answer that will make it all better. Perhaps there IS NO ANSWER. I don’t care if there are plenty of others like me, I don’t care about them, I care about me. If I cared about them and if I had anything to offer the homeless or others, I would. I don’t care about ‘having an attitude of gratitude’, that makes things worse and doesn’t pay bills.
Based on these issues, I feel like killing myself could be one possible solution that would make everything be solved. Since I don’t have any family looking after me or wanting me to be part of their lives, and since I don’t have a circle of friends, death is one viable answer. That is to say that I don’t foresee myself becoming someone who is going to be socially acceptable any time soon because of severe physical issues and physical damage, my debt issues, my issues with trauma and people, and my overall life with finances and legal issues.
I realize that I am looking for something that will finally amount to anything in my life. Everything that I have had in my life has either gone, turned on me, or turned into something not worth having.
I am looking for one answer, possibly, that would make a difference in my life. Working at min. wage job at my age, in my thirties, is hardly an option b/c i do not want to be around others who are of the same poor health, or teenagers who wine, or people who are needy. I am sick of people who see that I am damaged and further try to damage me or steal from me. Yes, I am paranoid of people b/c I live in the USA and we are taught to be needy and selfish to others; entrepeuneurial or whatever. I am alone and only older people who are worse than me seem to want to hang out. I write a little bit, but it just seems as if when things sometimes may start to look upward, something else always happens.
God is NOT going to help unless IT finally reveals ITSELF to me after thirty and more years of praying and nothing happening and feeling guilty for something that does not exist, praying does not help, and I have played the lottery and not won. I do not feel down or as if I am being irrational, I am not being pessimistic here but I am being rational about solutions. I am tired of being at the bottom of everything. I want a difference in my own life that does not relate others trying to help me as if I owe them anything. I am not looking for acceptance, just something that says I matter here, because there is just one bad thing after another in my long life of bull. I understand that if I tackle one problem at a time I will be okay, but I’m just tired of doing that. I don’t want to wait and wait for problems to get better. I need something that will make one noticeable difference in my life, and something that will give me incentive to take all of the other harsh things in my life in stride so much that they will get solved quicker."

Source: http://eu.promo.web.id/should-i-really-kill-myself