I wish I weren't me right now

"I cried a lot last night. Chris helplessly sat by and stroked my hair and asked me what he could do to help.

Like I had written earlier, I kinda woke up feeling depressed and tried not to cry as I was heading to work. Felt let down by that test I took. Was getting pissed that the people in my office are speaking Spanish in front of me. I've tried twice to hint to them in a nice way that I'd like to know what they're saying/feel included, but it's not working.

Last night I was just sucked into the suicidal thoughts. I planned to transfer all my money in my bank account to my sister, since she could use the money, and it was convenient. I wanted to get away when Chris played games Sunday, so that I could be someplace away from the house and kill myself. I ran the options in my head...jumping off a bridge, getting in front of a train, hanging myself, cutting myself with an Exacto knife...this was it. There was no point in waiting anymore, just do it. Everyone would be sad/shocked/devastated, but they'd get over it. I would soon be forgotten. Chris could move on somehow.

Things that I was sorta looking forward to last week: getting married, having a kid. Chris asked me if I wanted those things anymore and I replied, "No."

I thought, I should call the crisis line or go to the hospital, but why would I do that if I wanted to go? that would hinder my "efforts" I thought about my lil sister, on how just last week I told her not to keep suicidal thoughts a secret and to tell her doctor to adjust her medications, etc. She'd see what a hypocrite I was after I kill myself.

Today will be the third day that I haven't taken my Cymbalta. My sister wasn't able to go pick up my new bottle this week. I should make an appt with a doctor in SD, like, Monday and regularly get my pills here...I just don't have a doctor yet, and lazy about finding one and making an appt and taking time off work to go. I don't think skipping a few days should make me feel so damn crappy, so I think it's just circumstance.

"What would make you happy?" Chris asked. "If I wasn't here" or "nothing"

He later went to the market to get cupcake cups to bake cupcakes a day early. He asked me if I wanted anything and all I wanted were some cheddar and sour cream potato chips. he came back wanting to give me a treat, but i refused. after I had calmed down I was curious and asked him what it was-Girl Scout Somoa and Thin Mint cookies. We shared some and I felt a little better.

I woke up feeling okay, better. I dreamt that I went to a concert with friends, and was traveling abroad and meeting people. then I was shopping in a furniture consignment/thrift store. I woke up with the weird thought that I could open up my own furniture consignment store. I'd enjoy looking for furniture at flea markets and thrift stores and reselling them. I'd need money to start, and there would be no guarantee that I'd make money or be successful.

As Chris snoozed this morning I cuddled him and stroked his soft back. I felt like I could live just to enjoy him. But it's not always that I love him/appreciate him like this. I wish I were more consistent. I'm going to do something compulsive, and it'd be a waste. When I'm depressed/suicidal, I can't hold on to what little joys I have or could have.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't have to work, and have a house to take care of my family and not have to deal with the outside world. So unrealistic. So unfair...

I don't enjoy being around my friends. It's just that I wish I did, as I used to. Going out and doing stuff in general is a chore.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate this feeling. I feel so out of place wherever I go. I wonder if I'd feel better living in a totally different place. The other day I had the thought of moving to, say, France, and starting a new life. Then my negative thoughts come: I'd hate it there...I wouldn't know anybody, and not knowing the language would make it doubly frustrating. I want a new life. I wish I weren't me right now."

Source: http://hypo-mechanic.livejournal.com/