I’ve felt the wind of the wing of madness

"I’m not mad, but I’m aware that it sounds sexier.

No one wants to hear the ravings of depression, but madness, now that sells tickets. As a source of entertainment madness has always been a blockbuster. Depression on the other hand, sounds more like a disease, if not a lame excuse of one, and has never attracted the same quality and quantity of public attention. Were I mad, I could hurl invectives at the world and command awe, cheer even. Not with depression. With depression I’m only allowed minced oaths under my breath, if that. People look for florid causatives in a mental disease, an all consuming hole in the brain, or a charismatic tumor, or an electrical storm. A small chemical imbalance or a small whatever it is that causes depression, doesn’t the crowds please.

And that’s when I use the phrase insanely depressed. I’ve noticed that people like it. It turns more heads than suicidally depressed for example; perhaps because suicide like depression has little entertainment value. The word insane takes control of the phrase and takes the focus off of depression and presto everyone is interested in what I’ve to say. I say, “I’ll kill myself, but maybe I’ll bite the doctor’s nose before I do” and everyone is looking at me.

In the bottomless abyss of depression , I’ve tried to look at positive events in my life and ended up concluding them as negative, which confirms that you can’t but look through the lens of the present moment. I believe that irrational feelings felt in deep depression are'nt any different from lunatic paranoia or psychosis. It may not be hallucinations of the senses, but it is hallucinations of the internal model of the world. The depressed person’s brain doesn’t see a bonafide balance of black and white, instead it finds everything in a sordid shade of dark dark gray. A cheerful, sun drenched, cloudless day feels like a gray drizzle. If this isn’t false coloring the world then what is?

Extreme forms of depression are no different than livid insanity. And in that bottomless pit of disorientation, “I’ve felt the wind of the wing of madness”."

Source: http://anambivalentlife.blogspot.com/