It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change

"Had a quick glance at my discharge letter. Lots of medical mumbo jumbo, though luckily having friends in medical school means it wasn’t too hard to figure out, and the things they didn’t know Google did! The letter sheds no light on why they thought I needed a chest x-ray, so that’s still pretty baffling, as is the fact that it talks about depression/low mood when I told every doctor I saw that I was feeling okay.

I didn’t try to kill myself because I was depressed, I tried to kill myself simply because I was too scared to be alive. The paranoia, the peculiar experiences, they don’t depress me. Maybe they should, but they don’t. They tire me out, yes. They terrify me, yes. But I am still able to laugh. I am still able to enjoy things. I am not depressed. I was a depressed teenager, I know what it feels like, and I know that this is not it. If only someone would listen to me, aftter all I do know myself better than anyone else.

The elusive crisis team finally paid a visit today, was a waste of time as expected – the woman they sent was here for all of five minutes, she asked the standard questions, seemed pleased when I told her I hadn’t had thoughts of harming myself (lies) hadn’t been scared by books/television/music (lies) and was taking my medication regularly (more lies). She complimented me on my hair and my dress though, so she gets bonus points for that, it’s nice to know that the effort I put into actually getting out of my pyjamas today was appreciated! She did suggest I should get out of the house a bit more, seeing as I haven’t left since I got home from hospital, but that’s not going to happen. Leaving the house is too stressful and if I’m honest, too much effort. I’ve got an appointment on Tuesday, which will probably take all my energy; I won’t be leaving the house before then. The meeting is actually with both the crisis team and the Early Intervention service, and she thinks that as long as I’m fine on Tuesday I’ll be discharged back to them. I will be fine. I am fine. Or at least, I’m really good at pretending, so either way I won’t have them to deal with anymore.

It’s not that I don’t want to be honest with the crisis team; it’s just that I can’t. Admitting to certain thoughts/feelings would make a hospital stay unavoidable, and I know any length of time spent as an inpatient would be detrimental to my mental health. Besides, spending time in hospital wouldn’t stop me from hurting myself, it might delay it, but the outcome would remain the same.

I am considering asking for a change in key-worker. My actual key-worker is on maternity leave, and has been since about November, I think, I know she’s due back around May. The man who has taken over from her, I have only met once, which isn’t particularly promising considering the amount of time she’s been gone. He is a nice enough man; it’s just that I don’t feel I’ll ever be able to open up to him. He only works for the Early Intervention Service a couple of days a week, so it’s really hard to catch him, and well, I just don’t think we ‘click’. I think I would feel more comfortable talking to a woman; apart from my CAMHS psychologist I have never really worked well with a man. He’s not going to be in the meeting on Tuesday because he has lots of ‘crisis stuff’ to attend to, so maybe I will bring it up with the psychiatrist then and see what he thinks. I probably won’t have the guts; I always feel terrible for upsetting or offending anybody – one of the reasons I didn’t tell my psychiatrist how bad things were getting was because I liked seeing him smile thinking he’d done a good job!

In other news, I’m getting a little obsessed with everything Alice In Wonderland in the lead up to the release of the film. Tomorrow I am ordering the most beautiful Alice inspired journal, a pocketwatch pendant, and a tea party charm bracelet. Happiness!

‘It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.’"

Source: http://thesunshinediaries.wordpress.com/