"im so depressed. i keep hurting myself and i dont know what to do. i dont want to be depressed and i dont want to hurt myself, its also a sin for me personally in my own beliefs.
its impulse, i cant help it. im so depressed and i think i know why, im trying to think but when im in emotional pains i cant think at all, my ability to concentrate on simple things or think simple things goes down the drain. i get sometimes sort of like an alzheimers patient. its kind of funny. i walked into a donut store that sells donuts and bagel sandwiches. i asked the man at the counter if he could toast the frosted donut with sprinkles and put cream cheese in the middle, the guy said "you mean you want a bagel" and i said yea and got embarrased. i meant bagel but i said donut with sprinkles instead
awfully embarrasing i loser my concentration and some ability to think when im worried or over stressed and depressed. i am young too and in my 20s. so its not normal
i know its from stress because this only started happening when the stress and stressful things in my life got over the top and out of hand. one days when im not stressed my thinking and concentration is better
i am very depressed and i think i know why
because my sister torments me to no end. i honestly think something is wrong with her like shes posessed by real demons. like the bad kind that do evil and cause terror on the world. again those are my religous beliefs for beliving in such things. some people do not believe in such things.
she torments me excessively that i dont know what to do, i live with my parents and she lives with us and shes 19. every day she in single minded and she makes it a point to torment me. she makes it her job to terrorize me and make me uncomfortable and make sure i never get anything done for myself. she looks for me when she wakes up and when she finds me she screams and curses at me and puts me down and says terrible things to me, she tries to get violent and swings objects at my and kicks me. she acts bored and has nothing better to do with her time. every time she around me its about saying the worst and most hateful things to me, scary things to me and being violent and hitting me as much as she can
its like a job for her like she must do this to me or else, its like a game she has where she counts how many times she can swing her arms at me, spit at me, kick me, push me and hit me with objects and how many times she can curse me and make harrassing and scary remarks to me. its horrible its been almost 2 years since ive been able to have a normal conversation with her. every time she talks to me the entire conversation on her part is about putting me down and hitting me where it hurts and discouraging me and being violent, she says scary things and she tells me she has powers over me and knows my future and all my secrets, she has come up to me and told me details of things i dreamed of or nightmares in my sleep., she predicts things that eventually happen. she predicted people i know dying,she predicted tradgedy and people getting sick. its scary and her new abilities are probably related to why she beats me or acts rude and sick towards me. they are connected because they both happen at once
i was also attacked by a ghost in my home while she was standing in the same room and coming after me violently, shye was cursing at me and i said you cannot hit me anymore, i stood up for myself and she stared at me in the worst way with eyes so scary and all of a sudden something stronger then me pushed me to the ground. i was knocked down by something that was not there. my sister couldnt have done it because she was like 7 feet away from me. no one shoves themselves down like that., i felt a force. and she saw the whole thing happen and she smirked about what happened and did not ask what happened as if she knew.
something is odd going on, i have paranormal acitivity in my home.
its much easier for me to concentrate and not feel depressed when there is peace around me and no one is abusing me. but she abuses me every day and screams at me and curses at me and makes threats, she tells me to die and eggs me on to commit suicide. im terrified of her. her voice is really strange too. she does odd sounds with her mouth and other family members notice it too but they dont want to do anything.
i cant stand the abuse and i cant leave anywhere, i have a physical disability and trouble walking so i cant get a job. im trying to recover from physical injuries and my father has adult guardianship over me and he dosnt want me to do anything good with my life so he wont let me move away. he keeps threatening me with court cases. i need to get the adult guardianship ended so that i can go away from him and stop this abuse
my father is abusive too, the both of them togeather
i have no one, im stressed my sister dosnt let anyone from the rest of my family talk to me. i have no one and no friends, im in pain pjhysically and emotionally. i cant do anything. i hate being home becase all i hear are my family ganging up on me and putting me down 24 hours a day. no one likes peace in my family. everyone always fights or does things that are mean
whatever is going on in my life is the perfect c9ocktail for making a person depressed and self injure.. constant abuse from family, being isolated and having no one, having your life taken over and being controlled in bad abusive and in unhealthy ways. i cant stand it. what is wrong with my crazy family? they lost their marbles... they are all pretty crazy right now and they disrespect me severely , its not normal.
what is going on? maybe thertes some paranormal thing taking over my family and making them treat me like garbage and abuse me to a point i want to harm my self. its so bad. how does one deal with emotional pain.
the pain never goes away becase my sister hurts me every day over and over again no matter how much i try to heal she hurts me the next day over again. its like a cut thats trying to heal that you keep squeezing lemon juice into and cutting over and over again and dont let it heal. thats really bad.
why is there no peace in my home, why is there no love or kindness, everyone is walking around misearable and angry at me and mean
they all have this big very paranoid prejudice against me.
its everyone in my family. they all gang up on me like im some stranger who did something terrible. but i did nothign wrong and they know i did nothing wrong. my sister gets my other sister riled up against me and visa versa.
what can i do, i see a never ending cycle of being controlled by these freaks
she ruined my summer also and sat to watch me and blocked me from doing anything. she sat in the home and didnt let me go out, she screamed at me and tried to stop me from eating and she got violent.
she acts like a rabid animal at times, and viscous and reckless
becase of the wrongful adult guardianship i cant leave her and im not mentally disabled so i dont need adult guardianship, id be fine on my own with no one in charge of me"
Source: http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113946
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Lonely, broke, and hopeless
"I recently was laid off, and there are no prospects for a good job in the near future.
I have little to no money in the bank.
I have no girlfriend.
I am depressed, lonely, broke, and hopeless.
The only thing that has prevented me from doing it is thoughts of my family and what it would do to them, still the thoughts persist."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9o84j/reddit_i_plan_to_commit_suicide_if_you_can/
I have little to no money in the bank.
I have no girlfriend.
I am depressed, lonely, broke, and hopeless.
The only thing that has prevented me from doing it is thoughts of my family and what it would do to them, still the thoughts persist."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9o84j/reddit_i_plan_to_commit_suicide_if_you_can/
Monday, September 28, 2009
Everything looks great on the outside
"I’m a very attractive 23 year old girl with a body that any woman would kill to have, I have my own 1 bedroom apartment in a good neighborhood, a nice car, a job making $40,000 a year working at a brand new start up company that has only been in business for little over a year in which I got on board 3 months after they opened, a great boyfriend that makes twice as much as I do working in Silicon Valley, and I want to die.
I grew up in a family where I was the middle daughter of 1 three girls. Never got much attention and never really had high self-esteem.
My father mentally & physically abused everyone in the family including my mother. He was an alcoholic and a drug user. He was always extremely depressed and took it out on us. His family treated him and us like ****. when I was 14 he lost his good job after working 20+ years for a great company, and started drinking & doing drugs full-time around the same time my 19 yr old brother went to jail to do an almost 2 yr bid.. My mom was devastated and stayed away from the house at church more and more. She wanted a divorce, but stayed for the sake of me and my siblings. I started drinking with my dad when I was 14. By the time I was 15 I was an alcoholic. When I was 16 my brother got out of jail and our 4 bedroom house was getting crowded since I had to move back in with my little sister & my drinking was getting out of hand with my dad, so my mom let me go live with my grandma and uncle and his son in the house she grew up in 30 mins away. I loved living with my grandma, mostly because my boyfriend (whom I lost my virginity to 6 months after we were dating, I was expecting to wait until marriage,but plans changed) Not even 5 months after I moved in with my grandma I was raped by my mom’s brother, my favorite uncle.. My mother got mad at me when I told her the next day and my grandma called me a liar. I moved back home 2 days later. Eventually my mom’s entire family found out and everyone called me a liar. A month later I told my dad (which my mother had told me not to) and my father called me a liar. My father called my uncle 2 mins after I told him and asked him did he rape me, my uncle told him that he was reading the paper and would call him back. An hr later my uncle had not called back so my dad called him again asked him if he raped me and my uncle said no, my dad said thanks and hung up, then turned to me and called me a liar. After that I began drinking more and got extremely depressed I talked to no one, but my boyfriend. I didn’t even have conversations with my family members. I told my counsler at school what my home life was like and about the rape and she called CPS. I spent a night in a group home, but was returned to my parents a day later after they told auhorities I lied about everything. I ran away a month later and lived with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad got me a lawyer and a therpist. After 4 months of living with them I was making progress, my grades were good, I got a job, was a month and a half sober and therpy was working. My dad was arrested for murder on my 44th day of soberity. He tried to commit suicide an hour before he was arrested. When I visited him in the hospital 5 days later (in which he was chained to the bed) he told me how he cut his wrist so bad he almost cut his hand off and right before that tried to stab himself in the head. I asked him why he tried to commit suicide and he informed me, because I ran away, and my mother & sister moved in with her sister 2 months after I left. He was sentenced to 11 years earlier this year. In the 5+ years it took to try him. My drinking got extremely worse and as a result I was kidnapped gang raped and raped by 2 other men in seperate events. After the gang rape, I started sleeping with more men and women then I care to admit. I tried to commit suicide 4 times and was hospitalized 3 times. I’m still an alcohlic, but a functioning one. No one would ever know unless I told them… How I managed to get where I am today is beyond me… But even though everything looks great on the outside, I thought about jumping in front of a train while I was a the station last week and I thought about suicide today…"
Source: http://siliconvalley10.cityspur.com/2009/09/25/i-think-about-suicide-all-the-time-if-you-lived-my-life-would-you-too/
I grew up in a family where I was the middle daughter of 1 three girls. Never got much attention and never really had high self-esteem.
My father mentally & physically abused everyone in the family including my mother. He was an alcoholic and a drug user. He was always extremely depressed and took it out on us. His family treated him and us like ****. when I was 14 he lost his good job after working 20+ years for a great company, and started drinking & doing drugs full-time around the same time my 19 yr old brother went to jail to do an almost 2 yr bid.. My mom was devastated and stayed away from the house at church more and more. She wanted a divorce, but stayed for the sake of me and my siblings. I started drinking with my dad when I was 14. By the time I was 15 I was an alcoholic. When I was 16 my brother got out of jail and our 4 bedroom house was getting crowded since I had to move back in with my little sister & my drinking was getting out of hand with my dad, so my mom let me go live with my grandma and uncle and his son in the house she grew up in 30 mins away. I loved living with my grandma, mostly because my boyfriend (whom I lost my virginity to 6 months after we were dating, I was expecting to wait until marriage,but plans changed) Not even 5 months after I moved in with my grandma I was raped by my mom’s brother, my favorite uncle.. My mother got mad at me when I told her the next day and my grandma called me a liar. I moved back home 2 days later. Eventually my mom’s entire family found out and everyone called me a liar. A month later I told my dad (which my mother had told me not to) and my father called me a liar. My father called my uncle 2 mins after I told him and asked him did he rape me, my uncle told him that he was reading the paper and would call him back. An hr later my uncle had not called back so my dad called him again asked him if he raped me and my uncle said no, my dad said thanks and hung up, then turned to me and called me a liar. After that I began drinking more and got extremely depressed I talked to no one, but my boyfriend. I didn’t even have conversations with my family members. I told my counsler at school what my home life was like and about the rape and she called CPS. I spent a night in a group home, but was returned to my parents a day later after they told auhorities I lied about everything. I ran away a month later and lived with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad got me a lawyer and a therpist. After 4 months of living with them I was making progress, my grades were good, I got a job, was a month and a half sober and therpy was working. My dad was arrested for murder on my 44th day of soberity. He tried to commit suicide an hour before he was arrested. When I visited him in the hospital 5 days later (in which he was chained to the bed) he told me how he cut his wrist so bad he almost cut his hand off and right before that tried to stab himself in the head. I asked him why he tried to commit suicide and he informed me, because I ran away, and my mother & sister moved in with her sister 2 months after I left. He was sentenced to 11 years earlier this year. In the 5+ years it took to try him. My drinking got extremely worse and as a result I was kidnapped gang raped and raped by 2 other men in seperate events. After the gang rape, I started sleeping with more men and women then I care to admit. I tried to commit suicide 4 times and was hospitalized 3 times. I’m still an alcohlic, but a functioning one. No one would ever know unless I told them… How I managed to get where I am today is beyond me… But even though everything looks great on the outside, I thought about jumping in front of a train while I was a the station last week and I thought about suicide today…"
Source: http://siliconvalley10.cityspur.com/2009/09/25/i-think-about-suicide-all-the-time-if-you-lived-my-life-would-you-too/
Sunday, September 27, 2009
This fucking suicidal game. This fucking game.
"So I'll just write about my recent life because frankly I am tired of faking that it is enjoyable. I work 70-80 hours a week. The end.
I eat sleep and breath my work. I do not value the change and growth of the past two months. It is a waste. It is necessary. I'm sick. I've pondered lately, how happy I would be to contract a disease. Death would be something that is so certain. Meaning, I know I would die, and I believe it would make me happy. I want to fight for something. Leave me alone.
Even though these are just notes, I lack the ambition to really care.
I don't care. Never have and if I do not than I never will. No college course. Nothing. Its just language. I'm sick of acting.
I'M SICK OF IT!!
ACTACTACTACTACTACTACTACT
ACT ON THIS
All temporary nothings. ALL!
OOH lets disect that. Yah.
Let compose. Lets us worship together YAh. Lets do that.
Lets puke.
Lets become an expert on anything. yah
Tell me. What makes your education so profound you institutions. Nothing.
It means shit. The same old get up and go. Actions. Lets action.
And I drink because I drink.
Same old fucking mind games. a bunch of bullshit. Not even worth shit.
I am destined to be alone, so is my penis.
Fucking,
lets do it.
Fuck fuck fuck - take your fucking fucking and shove it and take your ignorance and shove it. I'm reduced. I'm just spitting. I'm just stupid. I'm contrived. So what? So what?
I like writing as much as I like nothing. Nice. So what fuck you Sams club people fuck you. I don't give a shit about you. None of YOU. Do you know that?
Fuck you
Fuck your businesses. Fuck your mind. Fuck your kids and families. I don't give a shit!
I don't want to care about your families.
Fuck you.
What is the grade of this paper teacher? I'm just being a professor. I profess to speak the way I want to speak and not attend to your feelings about my freedom and your feelings about my lack of education and your feelings about my lack for education and your denial of my education, because this is my education. My life.
Fuck your freedom fuck you and your definitions.
This is my life and I am sticking to it. So fuck yourself. You fucking punk ass fucking teacher. You should have let me live my life. That was all I wanted. Fuck your emotions. I don't want your emotions and your money. I don't want your shit. I don't want anything from you.I want to rule the world and me. Fuck this journal. Fuck this note. Fuck it all. It will be over. As sure as death. So fuck yourself. I'm not a bitch. And I'm not ashamed. So fuck yourself. I'm sick of everything about you. And I'm not ashamed to say it. And don't call me. And this is another reason to shit. I'm sick of your intellect. I'm sick of your compassion. I'm sick of your melodrama. And I'm not. So this is how it is not. Done. Not done. And I'm moving on.
To other things. So go. And have your way. So fuck you. You piece of shit. Welcome to hell. You piece of shit.
And this makes me sick. For now. Whatever. Another day on the menu. Is gone to dust. Another day on the menu is gone to dust.
I'm sick of listening. I'm so sick of it. This fucking game makes me sick. It is worthless fuck off. fuck your games. What else
what is there. what fucking bullshit is now. This fucking suicidal game. This fucking game.
All I said was something true and that is not enough. So fuck off. I'm sick. I'm such pitiful fuck. So fucking pitiful. And nothing is correct. Don't even fucking read this. Please. Don't even read. Just imagine. How nice it would not be to think. Like the voices in my head. And this is it. So no conclusion. Fuck bullshit fuck.And. Fuck this life. This life that is no wonder. So fuck your end. Don't even fucking talk to me you bitch.And fuck your fight. Fuck off.
This is it. So fuck off. This is all I"M GIVING! GO FUCK YOURSELF! I'll bloody your fucking nose! I'll stomp on your fucking head. I'll fucking kick you until your teeth fall out. I'll fucking kill you. And I'll kill you the way I want to kill you. You don't know what I am capable of. I can kill you! You fucking bitch. Run. On to other news. And piss on yourself.
I'll fucking smash your head in. I'll go as far and low and shady as I have to. You don't know me.
You should have listened. So fucking what.
I worry. Because I am sad. I'm so fucking sick. There is no end. I just want to imagine killing something. I want to do that because I haven't killed a person in three months and fuck off. I don't want to hear you. forever. I don't want your politics. I don't want your cheating and your corrections.
And I don't want your fucking CORRECTIONS! HEAR ME and your editing. And all your civilization and astronomy and physics and ALL ELSE! FUCK YOURSELF AND GET OFF!
FUCK OFF
Period. And your words mean shit. Good for you. Good for you. Good for your fucking mind. Eatme. I don't want your sympathy. And I don't want you. Kill me. Leave me alone. Another disgusting night. I don't want your FUCKING SYMPATHY! FuCK OFF. dkfdkd. Stick your finger up your ass. I don't want you fucking sickness. This is bullshit! WHAT AM I DOING???? MY GOD! I USED TO PRAY TO YOU! NONE OF THIS! I WANT THIS WRITING TO STOP!
HOW DO I STOP LOVE? I DON"T WANT TO BE HURT! IF YOU WANT TO HURT ME, FUCK YOU. IF YOU WANT TO HURT FUCK YOU!
IF YOU WANT ME FUCK YOU! WHAT MATTERS! QUESTION MARK! FUCK ALL THIS CONFUSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT ME! I JUST LOVE YOU! I HAVE TO LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I DO LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU and this is all I have.
THIS IS ALL I WILL!
I DON"T WANT TO STOP LOVE. I WILL.
I DON'T LOVE YOU.
I HATE YOU!
I DESPISE YOU I WANT YOU OUT OF MY WAY!
I don't want you to figure me out I dont want you to love me. I don't love you.
I don't love anybody. Love is dead.
Love is bullshit. Love is bullshit.
I hate you. JUST STOP.
Just believing that I love you.
It is not true.
It is not true that we love. We do not love. Love is a lie.
I want to lie. I want to lie. Fuck off.
Be scared. This is nothing. But I am not scared
I am sick, and I don't believe the lies. And this is all confusion. My thing. Confusion.
So there. Piss off with fucking rules. Piss off with rules. Piss off with your words and meaning. Piss off with your syntax and rituals. Just piss off with your friendship. Keep your sympathy! And go on.
I don't want you.
I CANNOT LIVE SIMPLY!
JESUS christ.
I don't want your fucking friendships.
I don't want your fucking.
I don't want you.Your bullshit.
I want your bullshit.
SO JUST GIVE UP! NO!
FUCK YOU!
I DONT DREAM! I DO NOT WANT TO DREAM! I want to sleep forever without a dream. Fuck you and your control. Fuck you. I don't want your sex and your naked body and your vagina and your anything. LEAVE ME ALONE! NO! I AM NOT ABLE TO KILL MYSELF! I WILL NOT! AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WILL NOT STOP! There is too much to lose!
Get IT!
OR whatever. I will not. This is my life. This is my journal and this is my entry and this is my work and this is not yours. And I am not ashamed. I don't care what you think. Why is anyone really more special than anybody else why must you intelligent people be so oppressive?
Rule. Why must I be so intelligent? FUCK YOU! And go fuck yourself some more. Your fucking guts and your fucking instructions. Fuck. And your fucking games and manipulation! And your definition of endurance!"
Source: http://laconicuno.livejournal.com/
I eat sleep and breath my work. I do not value the change and growth of the past two months. It is a waste. It is necessary. I'm sick. I've pondered lately, how happy I would be to contract a disease. Death would be something that is so certain. Meaning, I know I would die, and I believe it would make me happy. I want to fight for something. Leave me alone.
Even though these are just notes, I lack the ambition to really care.
I don't care. Never have and if I do not than I never will. No college course. Nothing. Its just language. I'm sick of acting.
I'M SICK OF IT!!
ACTACTACTACTACTACTACTACT
ACT ON THIS
All temporary nothings. ALL!
OOH lets disect that. Yah.
Let compose. Lets us worship together YAh. Lets do that.
Lets puke.
Lets become an expert on anything. yah
Tell me. What makes your education so profound you institutions. Nothing.
It means shit. The same old get up and go. Actions. Lets action.
And I drink because I drink.
Same old fucking mind games. a bunch of bullshit. Not even worth shit.
I am destined to be alone, so is my penis.
Fucking,
lets do it.
Fuck fuck fuck - take your fucking fucking and shove it and take your ignorance and shove it. I'm reduced. I'm just spitting. I'm just stupid. I'm contrived. So what? So what?
I like writing as much as I like nothing. Nice. So what fuck you Sams club people fuck you. I don't give a shit about you. None of YOU. Do you know that?
Fuck you
Fuck your businesses. Fuck your mind. Fuck your kids and families. I don't give a shit!
I don't want to care about your families.
Fuck you.
What is the grade of this paper teacher? I'm just being a professor. I profess to speak the way I want to speak and not attend to your feelings about my freedom and your feelings about my lack of education and your feelings about my lack for education and your denial of my education, because this is my education. My life.
Fuck your freedom fuck you and your definitions.
This is my life and I am sticking to it. So fuck yourself. You fucking punk ass fucking teacher. You should have let me live my life. That was all I wanted. Fuck your emotions. I don't want your emotions and your money. I don't want your shit. I don't want anything from you.I want to rule the world and me. Fuck this journal. Fuck this note. Fuck it all. It will be over. As sure as death. So fuck yourself. I'm not a bitch. And I'm not ashamed. So fuck yourself. I'm sick of everything about you. And I'm not ashamed to say it. And don't call me. And this is another reason to shit. I'm sick of your intellect. I'm sick of your compassion. I'm sick of your melodrama. And I'm not. So this is how it is not. Done. Not done. And I'm moving on.
To other things. So go. And have your way. So fuck you. You piece of shit. Welcome to hell. You piece of shit.
And this makes me sick. For now. Whatever. Another day on the menu. Is gone to dust. Another day on the menu is gone to dust.
I'm sick of listening. I'm so sick of it. This fucking game makes me sick. It is worthless fuck off. fuck your games. What else
what is there. what fucking bullshit is now. This fucking suicidal game. This fucking game.
All I said was something true and that is not enough. So fuck off. I'm sick. I'm such pitiful fuck. So fucking pitiful. And nothing is correct. Don't even fucking read this. Please. Don't even read. Just imagine. How nice it would not be to think. Like the voices in my head. And this is it. So no conclusion. Fuck bullshit fuck.And. Fuck this life. This life that is no wonder. So fuck your end. Don't even fucking talk to me you bitch.And fuck your fight. Fuck off.
This is it. So fuck off. This is all I"M GIVING! GO FUCK YOURSELF! I'll bloody your fucking nose! I'll stomp on your fucking head. I'll fucking kick you until your teeth fall out. I'll fucking kill you. And I'll kill you the way I want to kill you. You don't know what I am capable of. I can kill you! You fucking bitch. Run. On to other news. And piss on yourself.
I'll fucking smash your head in. I'll go as far and low and shady as I have to. You don't know me.
You should have listened. So fucking what.
I worry. Because I am sad. I'm so fucking sick. There is no end. I just want to imagine killing something. I want to do that because I haven't killed a person in three months and fuck off. I don't want to hear you. forever. I don't want your politics. I don't want your cheating and your corrections.
And I don't want your fucking CORRECTIONS! HEAR ME and your editing. And all your civilization and astronomy and physics and ALL ELSE! FUCK YOURSELF AND GET OFF!
FUCK OFF
Period. And your words mean shit. Good for you. Good for you. Good for your fucking mind. Eatme. I don't want your sympathy. And I don't want you. Kill me. Leave me alone. Another disgusting night. I don't want your FUCKING SYMPATHY! FuCK OFF. dkfdkd. Stick your finger up your ass. I don't want you fucking sickness. This is bullshit! WHAT AM I DOING???? MY GOD! I USED TO PRAY TO YOU! NONE OF THIS! I WANT THIS WRITING TO STOP!
HOW DO I STOP LOVE? I DON"T WANT TO BE HURT! IF YOU WANT TO HURT ME, FUCK YOU. IF YOU WANT TO HURT FUCK YOU!
IF YOU WANT ME FUCK YOU! WHAT MATTERS! QUESTION MARK! FUCK ALL THIS CONFUSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT ME! I JUST LOVE YOU! I HAVE TO LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I DO LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU and this is all I have.
THIS IS ALL I WILL!
I DON"T WANT TO STOP LOVE. I WILL.
I DON'T LOVE YOU.
I HATE YOU!
I DESPISE YOU I WANT YOU OUT OF MY WAY!
I don't want you to figure me out I dont want you to love me. I don't love you.
I don't love anybody. Love is dead.
Love is bullshit. Love is bullshit.
I hate you. JUST STOP.
Just believing that I love you.
It is not true.
It is not true that we love. We do not love. Love is a lie.
I want to lie. I want to lie. Fuck off.
Be scared. This is nothing. But I am not scared
I am sick, and I don't believe the lies. And this is all confusion. My thing. Confusion.
So there. Piss off with fucking rules. Piss off with rules. Piss off with your words and meaning. Piss off with your syntax and rituals. Just piss off with your friendship. Keep your sympathy! And go on.
I don't want you.
I CANNOT LIVE SIMPLY!
JESUS christ.
I don't want your fucking friendships.
I don't want your fucking.
I don't want you.Your bullshit.
I want your bullshit.
SO JUST GIVE UP! NO!
FUCK YOU!
I DONT DREAM! I DO NOT WANT TO DREAM! I want to sleep forever without a dream. Fuck you and your control. Fuck you. I don't want your sex and your naked body and your vagina and your anything. LEAVE ME ALONE! NO! I AM NOT ABLE TO KILL MYSELF! I WILL NOT! AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WILL NOT STOP! There is too much to lose!
Get IT!
OR whatever. I will not. This is my life. This is my journal and this is my entry and this is my work and this is not yours. And I am not ashamed. I don't care what you think. Why is anyone really more special than anybody else why must you intelligent people be so oppressive?
Rule. Why must I be so intelligent? FUCK YOU! And go fuck yourself some more. Your fucking guts and your fucking instructions. Fuck. And your fucking games and manipulation! And your definition of endurance!"
Source: http://laconicuno.livejournal.com/
Saturday, September 26, 2009
No one gives a shit about me
"I dunno wha5t the fucks, wrong wth me. I feel like sht alk the GOd-damn time, and want to kill myself for about half that, hut I don't go through with it. WHy the hell am I still here? I have no reason to fucking get up every morniung, no motivqtion to do anything, and yet I still do it. I hate my life more than I ever have before, adn yet I keep going. What the fuck is thta all about? I wish it would all just end, and all the damn sadness would stop, but who the hell am I kidding? I'm doomwd, end up story. Nothing good wil fucking happen, I'm juat going to be miserable. No one gives a shit about me. I;ve aleady fucked things up wth Hayley, now Nikole doesn't give a dman. SHit, I've got nothing left. Welll, fiuckk my life. Seriously. I have nothing to fucking live for, but I don't have the damn balls to end it. I don;t even know what I want to do with my life. Yes, I want to bring scum to justince. but whta's the fucking differmence, reqlly? I hate myself, yet I presume to think I'm good enough to lockn other people up? What the fukcm is that? If there was a God, he'd strike me dead right now, and end it. Fuck living, hpnstly,. Damn it all, I hate thi,s shit. No one fucking cares anymore. Imcan;t even talk to anyone at scool. I'm such a damn coward. Maybe that's why I hold on ao tightly to things that are clearly destined to fail; Im deserate for love, or fondness of some kind. Shit . ; . Why am I still alive? Fucking shit . . . GOd, ig you're there, just kill me. Please, just let me go to sleep, qnd never wake up. I'M SO SICK OG ALL THIS SHIIT. EVry day is exct;y the same. Wake up, eat, hate life, eat more, want to die, eat spome fucking more, sleep, rpeat. Kill. Me. Now.
Anx no one cares. Hayley doesn't csre anymore (fpr gopd reason), Nikole doesn;t care anymor,e Cheyanne doesn;t care anymore,ad nauseum. So, again, why the fuck am I here? No one gives a shit, might as well die. Oh, wait. My bad. I don;t habe then fucking gutsk, due tp the off-chance thaty someone miught actually care, and theroefore I'd be hurting them. What the fuyck??
I cn;t even fucking ealk. Seraiously. Imjust had some more booze, and i barely made it back. What the fuck? God dman, I d=ate mysef. I fuckd up everyt good relatiomship (pr chance, at a relationship, for thatmatter) I'be eer had. So why nit just end it? It' not as thougnthngs are giiung to get nay better,s hit. I fukced, emd pf story. Noth8mg will impove, and ecerything will stay the fuycking dsme. I. Am. Fukced. End of Goid-damn sotry. What the shit. Thre;'sa damn .22 pistol dowstrairs, why don't I use it? Inguess it it's because of the Catholic radition I was brought up in, If you vommmit suiice,===, yoiu go to Hell, end of story. But, qhTWS= the fuck? I;m n athe9ist, damn it. Too mnay unANSWERED pratyers/ Wjo care about hell? Ot's not real, afyer all. Shiiit. PleSSE, God, though I be an athesist, end ot. Lease, free me fro the life O'm living, I want tindie. IHATE THE WABTHIS SHIT IS GOING FOR ME,. Everythign sucks. No one gives a shit. Please, kill me. Let me have a heartbattavck. TrDE MY life for somone more deservijg ovf it/ I Hte life, sm0one else might want kore of it. SWAPM THEIR PLAICE with mijen pleaae. Let tem live, insteqad iof me.I have nothing to fucking live for. Let those who enjoy life live in my place. As i;ve said, I haeve noting to live for/ No one gives a shitl 'nuff said. I don;t wnt to live, so why continue on? It;s a waste of time. SO many p3opl3 wih they had mroe time to spend on thid Earth, but Inwish ny time was up/ Shit, fuck it. Let someone else take my pkace. Plaese. So many othern [eople could make the best of what htey have, but not me. Fuck me. I'm wrthless. shoiit. I',M SUCH AM awful fuckin person. BEing e,otiojally needu,Y AND SHIt. DAMN IT, I' uzing way tooo much prfofajity for me to pass this off as my normal self, PleAE, GOD, DON;T ;ET ME WAKE UP/ I wanf this suffering toend.' I pend a;lmost every minut3e of everybday regretting all th dhit I' vd done. I;ve fcuked up so bad. Damn it, God, what the fukc is wrong eith me? And why am I ask8ng you, if I;m an atheist? Shiit. Pleasem, =strike me down. I want this t0 end. I'm tirednof living, Its just a constant cycle og getting fuckd over repeatedly.n Damn, man. y lfe is so fucked. No friends, no people Ic an trust, etc. I screwedm, in a pbulosp0hical sense. I dunno whta the fcuck I'm talking abou. Ju
Just let me die, pleSE. Just let it all end, for good. Why am I sitll here? What is my purpose? A source of amusement, perhaps? I'me] sared to drnk anymore, frsnkl;y. Shit, I might emd up likr J.P. fro work, funning sround the main ,obby, clwppijg my fsmn hands and shiotu==== , WHAT HAPPENED WITH HAYKEY, ANYWAHYY> DAMN, SH E MADE everything perfect. END IF STORY, No guilt, no buthh=urt, nithhing. Perfecgion. Shiiit: Well, fuck what"m saying, given tbe timr. I TRYM=, BUTNYOUNKNOW. ANYWHO, PKEASE, GO, STRIKE ME DEAD.\?"
Source: http://crymyveinsout.blogspot.com/
Anx no one cares. Hayley doesn't csre anymore (fpr gopd reason), Nikole doesn;t care anymor,e Cheyanne doesn;t care anymore,ad nauseum. So, again, why the fuck am I here? No one gives a shit, might as well die. Oh, wait. My bad. I don;t habe then fucking gutsk, due tp the off-chance thaty someone miught actually care, and theroefore I'd be hurting them. What the fuyck??
I cn;t even fucking ealk. Seraiously. Imjust had some more booze, and i barely made it back. What the fuck? God dman, I d=ate mysef. I fuckd up everyt good relatiomship (pr chance, at a relationship, for thatmatter) I'be eer had. So why nit just end it? It' not as thougnthngs are giiung to get nay better,s hit. I fukced, emd pf story. Noth8mg will impove, and ecerything will stay the fuycking dsme. I. Am. Fukced. End of Goid-damn sotry. What the shit. Thre;'sa damn .22 pistol dowstrairs, why don't I use it? Inguess it it's because of the Catholic radition I was brought up in, If you vommmit suiice,===, yoiu go to Hell, end of story. But, qhTWS= the fuck? I;m n athe9ist, damn it. Too mnay unANSWERED pratyers/ Wjo care about hell? Ot's not real, afyer all. Shiiit. PleSSE, God, though I be an athesist, end ot. Lease, free me fro the life O'm living, I want tindie. IHATE THE WABTHIS SHIT IS GOING FOR ME,. Everythign sucks. No one gives a shit. Please, kill me. Let me have a heartbattavck. TrDE MY life for somone more deservijg ovf it/ I Hte life, sm0one else might want kore of it. SWAPM THEIR PLAICE with mijen pleaae. Let tem live, insteqad iof me.I have nothing to fucking live for. Let those who enjoy life live in my place. As i;ve said, I haeve noting to live for/ No one gives a shitl 'nuff said. I don;t wnt to live, so why continue on? It;s a waste of time. SO many p3opl3 wih they had mroe time to spend on thid Earth, but Inwish ny time was up/ Shit, fuck it. Let someone else take my pkace. Plaese. So many othern [eople could make the best of what htey have, but not me. Fuck me. I'm wrthless. shoiit. I',M SUCH AM awful fuckin person. BEing e,otiojally needu,Y AND SHIt. DAMN IT, I' uzing way tooo much prfofajity for me to pass this off as my normal self, PleAE, GOD, DON;T ;ET ME WAKE UP/ I wanf this suffering toend.' I pend a;lmost every minut3e of everybday regretting all th dhit I' vd done. I;ve fcuked up so bad. Damn it, God, what the fukc is wrong eith me? And why am I ask8ng you, if I;m an atheist? Shiit. Pleasem, =strike me down. I want this t0 end. I'm tirednof living, Its just a constant cycle og getting fuckd over repeatedly.n Damn, man. y lfe is so fucked. No friends, no people Ic an trust, etc. I screwedm, in a pbulosp0hical sense. I dunno whta the fcuck I'm talking abou. Ju
Just let me die, pleSE. Just let it all end, for good. Why am I sitll here? What is my purpose? A source of amusement, perhaps? I'me] sared to drnk anymore, frsnkl;y. Shit, I might emd up likr J.P. fro work, funning sround the main ,obby, clwppijg my fsmn hands and shiotu==== , WHAT HAPPENED WITH HAYKEY, ANYWAHYY> DAMN, SH E MADE everything perfect. END IF STORY, No guilt, no buthh=urt, nithhing. Perfecgion. Shiiit: Well, fuck what"m saying, given tbe timr. I TRYM=, BUTNYOUNKNOW. ANYWHO, PKEASE, GO, STRIKE ME DEAD.\?"
Source: http://crymyveinsout.blogspot.com/
Friday, September 25, 2009
I'm having suicidal thoughts
"..you've got to be angry all the time.
I keep listening to that stupid song. As sad as it is and as much as I love my girlfriend, it makes me think of her, of us. I'm just not sure what to do? I love her, but I'm not sure she's happy with me, or that she ever will be. I'm not sure I can be what she wants and needs. Right now we're long distance, and if we can't make it now, how on earth will we survive when we're physically together?
To top it off I'm feeling very depressed and I'm just not sure she cares. I donno what to do. I've mentioned to her that I'm having suicidal thoughts, and she hasn't asked since how I'm doing? I know she's going through a hard time right now, but... >_<"
Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/78462-i-dont-know-why.html
I keep listening to that stupid song. As sad as it is and as much as I love my girlfriend, it makes me think of her, of us. I'm just not sure what to do? I love her, but I'm not sure she's happy with me, or that she ever will be. I'm not sure I can be what she wants and needs. Right now we're long distance, and if we can't make it now, how on earth will we survive when we're physically together?
To top it off I'm feeling very depressed and I'm just not sure she cares. I donno what to do. I've mentioned to her that I'm having suicidal thoughts, and she hasn't asked since how I'm doing? I know she's going through a hard time right now, but... >_<"
Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/78462-i-dont-know-why.html
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Everything would be better if I was gone
"Life is not worth it. Nothing ever goes right for me in life anymore. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I am a disrespectful person, my family hates me and so does my boyfriend. I am in major debt, and now owe tons of people money. I just want to die so I dont have to worry about anything. Everything would be better if I was gone. ....My grandma who I was really close with died in '03 of Lymptoma Cancer. I miss her every day and I want to forget about my life and be with her. Every time I get in my car and drive I prey that I get in a crash. Im just sick of life. I wanna be with my grandma!!"
source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/78297-not-worth.html
source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/78297-not-worth.html
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Can someone just explain to me what the F*** is going on?
"On Monday night I OD on sleeping pills and alcohol and the next morning had to be taken to hospital. It was a suicide attempt.
I stayed overnight so they could keep an eye on me and saw a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I was forced to tell them all about my self-harm, insomnia and hearing nasty voices and they have diagnosed me with Clinical Depression.
The psychiatrist threatened to have me sectioned to an adolescent mental hospital (Leigh House) because I wouldn’t promise her that I would not try to kill myself again; I was already formulating a plan. So she made me promise that I would stay safe until Tomorrow,because tomorrow I’m going to see another child psychologist.
I don’t know what this one is going to be doing with me or why I am going. I’ll try it, but deep down I know it’s not going to work. I still want to kill myself more than ever. They also say I can’t go to Leigh House because it’s full, so I’d have to go to the Priory instead in Maidenhead? Is the Priory different to the NHS? I’m really confussed and scared right now. Nothing they do is working; the Prozac isn’t working and might actually make me worse!
Can someone just explain to me what the F*** is going on?
Maidenhead is miles and miles away from where I live so no-one could visit me… also, Leigh House only accept 20 kids and apparently 10 of those would be anorexic girls. I don’t think that’s the place for me…
I’m 15-years-old… I’m not sure if it’s "rare" for young adults to get major depression or if it’s reasonably common, all I know is that the shit won’t stop untill I’m either dead or ‘back to normal’, and I don’t possibly see how on earth I can ever be who I used to be."
Source: http://insomniacurehomeremedy.com/1955/i-need-some-advice-theyre-saying-its-clinical-depression/
I stayed overnight so they could keep an eye on me and saw a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I was forced to tell them all about my self-harm, insomnia and hearing nasty voices and they have diagnosed me with Clinical Depression.
The psychiatrist threatened to have me sectioned to an adolescent mental hospital (Leigh House) because I wouldn’t promise her that I would not try to kill myself again; I was already formulating a plan. So she made me promise that I would stay safe until Tomorrow,because tomorrow I’m going to see another child psychologist.
I don’t know what this one is going to be doing with me or why I am going. I’ll try it, but deep down I know it’s not going to work. I still want to kill myself more than ever. They also say I can’t go to Leigh House because it’s full, so I’d have to go to the Priory instead in Maidenhead? Is the Priory different to the NHS? I’m really confussed and scared right now. Nothing they do is working; the Prozac isn’t working and might actually make me worse!
Can someone just explain to me what the F*** is going on?
Maidenhead is miles and miles away from where I live so no-one could visit me… also, Leigh House only accept 20 kids and apparently 10 of those would be anorexic girls. I don’t think that’s the place for me…
I’m 15-years-old… I’m not sure if it’s "rare" for young adults to get major depression or if it’s reasonably common, all I know is that the shit won’t stop untill I’m either dead or ‘back to normal’, and I don’t possibly see how on earth I can ever be who I used to be."
Source: http://insomniacurehomeremedy.com/1955/i-need-some-advice-theyre-saying-its-clinical-depression/
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Nobody asked for life to deal us what these bullshit hands were dealt. We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help.
"My dad got really mad at me tonight. It was the usual-- he let anger build up and then let it all out in one big go. But this time happened under a few different circumstances.. first of all, I was coming down from 80 mgs of Adderall, and second of all, he began talking about SUICIDE! I can't take this... the way he treated me tonight was exactly how he used to treat me during my childhood. He used to tell me how worthless I was and that he was going to kill himself because life was sad and he couldn't take it anymore. Saying that stuff to your elementary aged daughter can (and most likely will) screw her head up. I remember when he used to yell at me like that, I would inevitably end up seeking out food for comfort. I dont know why I chose food... maybe it was because it reminded me of both of my grandparents whose homes always had stacks and stacks of food... and that my grandparents were always really nice to me and didnt treat me bad. So I associated food with 'nice' and 'understanding' (and obviously 'comforting').
If my dad did kill myself... I dont even know what I'd do. Life for me would be so fucking fucked after that. Just the way things are going I know at least one of my grandparents would die soon afterwards... and possibly another. So, what if three people in my life died at once? I think my suicidal thoughts would just get even more worse and I would probably plan a quicker and more lethal suicide just because at that point, i'd probably feel fucking worthless. I don't know why I feel this way... why am I having such suicidal feelings? I want to quit this life. Just stop it. Like a video game or something.
I want to run away from all of this... away from school, away from my dad, away from food, away from this overwhelming experience that never ends. Then I can just rot and die.
"Just stay alive long enough to kill the opponent within… never stopping that continuous jab as the momentum continues growing alongside the evil intertwinement of our beastly nature and greed for power. At once, ultimate control is granted to the winner… which is realistically the dead man who’s lost power over all aspects of his “life” via his human-nature."
Why do humans think that having control means that our lives are perfect? I think it actually creates even more fucked-up-ness in our lives, but the fact (aka delusion) that we have what we've always wanted (the control) is all we need to cover up how obviously messed up our lives still are. The beast within not only wants control over EVERYTHING, but I also believe it is what causes us to view killing ourselves as the only rational and appealing way to fix those problems we thought would be fixed after getting the control we always selfishly wanted. After all, 'beasts' have never been known to be rational or anything, right? We are the same. If we dont find some way to maintain sanity, then mankinds essential illness will take over your thoughts and actions and youll become a person whos on a dead end road... where obviously, once you get to the end, you've reach your time to die. Once on this road, it's so so so hard to turn around long enough to GET OFF the street... its like, right when you're almost there, something happens and your feet are moving back in the direction it came from, amd almost twice as fast.
It gets harder everytime... and I know it.
"It’s a suicide-attempt stuck on ‘repeat’ without any recollection of the last failed jab at taking our lives once and for all—naively beginning another round of this sick-cycle, emerging our eager bodies into an invisible dystopia of lies… oh, how familiar and firm our stance feels here"
So, we cannot see this dystopian pool of lies, but it's a place in which we identify with and know as familiar. Leaving our comfort zone is not on our 'beasts' to-do list... its not first instinct nor is it easy to do. Isnt it much easier to listen to the viscious, controlling, and agressive voice? You know if you just follow its dictatoring words, everything will be fine and life will always be the same--safe and just how you've always known it. Even if you tried rebelling against that evil and mean voice in your head, the area outside of your comfort zone wouldnt be very easy to hold a firm stance in. Its new and you have no idea how things work out there...
I guess I'm trying to say-- once something in your life changes drastically, you lose your balance and become lost. Its easy to starting running in the dangerous direction of the dead end road and give into the negative voice.
I wish I had more control over myself... I'm so fucking depressed...
Nobody asked for life to deal us what these bullshit hands were dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help"
Source: http://sickened3.blogspot.com/
If my dad did kill myself... I dont even know what I'd do. Life for me would be so fucking fucked after that. Just the way things are going I know at least one of my grandparents would die soon afterwards... and possibly another. So, what if three people in my life died at once? I think my suicidal thoughts would just get even more worse and I would probably plan a quicker and more lethal suicide just because at that point, i'd probably feel fucking worthless. I don't know why I feel this way... why am I having such suicidal feelings? I want to quit this life. Just stop it. Like a video game or something.
I want to run away from all of this... away from school, away from my dad, away from food, away from this overwhelming experience that never ends. Then I can just rot and die.
"Just stay alive long enough to kill the opponent within… never stopping that continuous jab as the momentum continues growing alongside the evil intertwinement of our beastly nature and greed for power. At once, ultimate control is granted to the winner… which is realistically the dead man who’s lost power over all aspects of his “life” via his human-nature."
Why do humans think that having control means that our lives are perfect? I think it actually creates even more fucked-up-ness in our lives, but the fact (aka delusion) that we have what we've always wanted (the control) is all we need to cover up how obviously messed up our lives still are. The beast within not only wants control over EVERYTHING, but I also believe it is what causes us to view killing ourselves as the only rational and appealing way to fix those problems we thought would be fixed after getting the control we always selfishly wanted. After all, 'beasts' have never been known to be rational or anything, right? We are the same. If we dont find some way to maintain sanity, then mankinds essential illness will take over your thoughts and actions and youll become a person whos on a dead end road... where obviously, once you get to the end, you've reach your time to die. Once on this road, it's so so so hard to turn around long enough to GET OFF the street... its like, right when you're almost there, something happens and your feet are moving back in the direction it came from, amd almost twice as fast.
It gets harder everytime... and I know it.
"It’s a suicide-attempt stuck on ‘repeat’ without any recollection of the last failed jab at taking our lives once and for all—naively beginning another round of this sick-cycle, emerging our eager bodies into an invisible dystopia of lies… oh, how familiar and firm our stance feels here"
So, we cannot see this dystopian pool of lies, but it's a place in which we identify with and know as familiar. Leaving our comfort zone is not on our 'beasts' to-do list... its not first instinct nor is it easy to do. Isnt it much easier to listen to the viscious, controlling, and agressive voice? You know if you just follow its dictatoring words, everything will be fine and life will always be the same--safe and just how you've always known it. Even if you tried rebelling against that evil and mean voice in your head, the area outside of your comfort zone wouldnt be very easy to hold a firm stance in. Its new and you have no idea how things work out there...
I guess I'm trying to say-- once something in your life changes drastically, you lose your balance and become lost. Its easy to starting running in the dangerous direction of the dead end road and give into the negative voice.
I wish I had more control over myself... I'm so fucking depressed...
Nobody asked for life to deal us what these bullshit hands were dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help"
Source: http://sickened3.blogspot.com/
Monday, September 21, 2009
Just a mess
"I am so messed up right now, all I can function to do is cut.I just want to be dead cos I want the pain to end. "
Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/just-a-mess/14322363/
Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/just-a-mess/14322363/
Sunday, September 20, 2009
What in the hell should I do
"While alone at my father's house and in a state of benzo-mediated disinhibition, sleep deprivation, and suicidal depression, on a whim I grabbed some paperclips and picked the lock on his gun safe and took one of his hand guns home with me, intending to kill myself at some point in the near future.
I am addicted to benzos and the prospect of withdrawing from them scares the hell out of me; and so I believe that I will be in need of that gun and its mortal faculty soon. However, before the times comes when I should be in grave and earnest need of availing myself of the function of that device, my dad may discover it missing and naturally conclude that I was the one who took it. What may happen from that point onward is the point which my anxious rumination concerns and impetus for seeking help here on Reddit.
If, out of anger, he were to call the police, I might well end up in prison. It's doubtful that they would allow me to take benzos, controlled substances with recreational value, and so I could end up in cold-turkey withdrawal, which would result in panic attacks and possibly convulsions, which could lead to death. Alternatively, I could end up in a psychiatric ward, a prospect which is nearly as frightening: I wouldn't have access to all the substances I would need to make the withdrawal process as painless and safe as possible. (Benzo withdrawal can cause considerable brain damage, which can be mitigated if one takes the proper precautions and makes use of the right substances.)
It seems that my best bet may be fessing up before he finds out and apologizing, explaining that I was in a very horrible state of mind at the time. The problem with that is that in all probability it will be necessary for me to end my life soon and I'd be without any acceptably painless and peaceful means to do it. At the moment, though, I not in withdrawals and, therefore, not feeling so dysphoric that I had the courage to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.
Another problem is that my father some time ago had a good deal of money stolen from another safe of his. I was not responsible for this and do not know who was, but I fear he will commit a tempting, although nevertheless fallacious, logical fallacy and assume that I was responsible for that, as well.
What in the hell should I do here?"
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9md4c/help_me_reddit_i_am_truly_screwed/
I am addicted to benzos and the prospect of withdrawing from them scares the hell out of me; and so I believe that I will be in need of that gun and its mortal faculty soon. However, before the times comes when I should be in grave and earnest need of availing myself of the function of that device, my dad may discover it missing and naturally conclude that I was the one who took it. What may happen from that point onward is the point which my anxious rumination concerns and impetus for seeking help here on Reddit.
If, out of anger, he were to call the police, I might well end up in prison. It's doubtful that they would allow me to take benzos, controlled substances with recreational value, and so I could end up in cold-turkey withdrawal, which would result in panic attacks and possibly convulsions, which could lead to death. Alternatively, I could end up in a psychiatric ward, a prospect which is nearly as frightening: I wouldn't have access to all the substances I would need to make the withdrawal process as painless and safe as possible. (Benzo withdrawal can cause considerable brain damage, which can be mitigated if one takes the proper precautions and makes use of the right substances.)
It seems that my best bet may be fessing up before he finds out and apologizing, explaining that I was in a very horrible state of mind at the time. The problem with that is that in all probability it will be necessary for me to end my life soon and I'd be without any acceptably painless and peaceful means to do it. At the moment, though, I not in withdrawals and, therefore, not feeling so dysphoric that I had the courage to put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.
Another problem is that my father some time ago had a good deal of money stolen from another safe of his. I was not responsible for this and do not know who was, but I fear he will commit a tempting, although nevertheless fallacious, logical fallacy and assume that I was responsible for that, as well.
What in the hell should I do here?"
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9md4c/help_me_reddit_i_am_truly_screwed/
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Every night I go to bed and hope that I won't wake up
"I feel sad all the time.I do not remember the last time that I felt happy.I'm starting to think that the only way I can feel better is to die.If I end my life, I know that I won't be able to enjoy the benefits, but I also won't feel anything anymore because I'll be dead.People tell me that it's all going to be okay, and that with time I'll feel better, and that I should wait for happiness.But I don't think that I CAN wait.People tell me that they want me to talk about what's wrong, but I'm sure that they'll abandon me when I tell them what's wrong, or tell someone with power over me(I'm 17), like a counselor at school or a principal or a teacher.I want to talk to someone, maybe they can help, but I don't want to risk my feelings being discovered.I told a few people about how I feel.But they just told me to wait, and the same stuff over and over again.They told me that if I do anything that they'd blame themselves.Don't they see how happy their lives would be without me? How come I'm the ONLY PERSON who can see this? Their idea of helping is a pat on the head and a reassuring word or two.They don't understand.Every night I go to bed and hope that I won't wake up, and when I do wake, I ask myself why I'm still here? Why can't I just have a brain aneurysm, or terminal cancer? Something that will kill me without having to do it myself? That's why I haven't done anything yet.I'm afraid of the pain that dying might cause to myself.I want to die in the most painless, less-distressing way possible, that has the most effectiveness.And I don't want any help.I just want it all to stop.All the lies that I tell daily to keep my parents and teachers happy, all the pain I feel almost daily, all the aches and pains of life.I just want it over.I'm just too much of a damn coward to do it.
For whomever is reading this, I'm sorry that I'm burdening you with this information.You don't deserve it."
Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/my-feelings/14322101/
For whomever is reading this, I'm sorry that I'm burdening you with this information.You don't deserve it."
Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/my-feelings/14322101/
Friday, September 18, 2009
I don't feel like I can hold on for very much longer
"And even though the battle was won, I feel like we lost it
I spent too much energy on it, honestly I'm exhausted
And I'm so caught in it I almost feel I'm the one who caused it
I had a counselors appointment today... I told her I'm taking the Adderall again. She said I should tell my doctor tomorrow when he prescribes me the Prozac to go on top of the Topamax, but I dunno. I don't have it in me to tell him any more than I already did. I fucking hate the place I'm in right now... before talking to Kirk, no adult knew of my problems. Now it feels like every damn one I know, knows about my ED... stupid stupid. It's like my problem doesn't even really matter to me anymore--like it's just another one of those things I deal with daily. And I know its because so many people know about it, but blow it off to the side like its not a bad thing. I've somehow brainwashed myself into thinking that this is something I'm just going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. At first when I think about it, it doesn't bother me too much... but thats only at first.
I can't stop thinking about suicide. I fucking HATE dealing with all of this... why am I so weak and pathetic? I can't even do my fucking homework without wanting to literally kill myself because it makes me feel stupid. Do I have room on this planet if I'm not smart? Very unlikely. You get nowhere in life if you aren't smart. I'm stupid and I always have been...
I feel like I have no hope. I look into the future and it looks depressing and troubled. I'm ending up just like my mom-- addicted to drugs. WHY do I have to WORK to overcome these problems?
These problems are making living so much harder than it has to be..... I don't feel like I can hold on for very much longer. I've already tried the aspirin, and then aspirin + benydryl... so I know those don't work (just make you feel like SHIT).
Adderall+Prozac+ecstacy = serotonin storm
I have all of those (well, I'll have the prozac by tomorrow).
I'm not sure when I'll be going through with this.. hm...
I need to get out of here. I need to die. I can't take these problems any longer."
Source: http://sickened3.blogspot.com/
I spent too much energy on it, honestly I'm exhausted
And I'm so caught in it I almost feel I'm the one who caused it
I had a counselors appointment today... I told her I'm taking the Adderall again. She said I should tell my doctor tomorrow when he prescribes me the Prozac to go on top of the Topamax, but I dunno. I don't have it in me to tell him any more than I already did. I fucking hate the place I'm in right now... before talking to Kirk, no adult knew of my problems. Now it feels like every damn one I know, knows about my ED... stupid stupid. It's like my problem doesn't even really matter to me anymore--like it's just another one of those things I deal with daily. And I know its because so many people know about it, but blow it off to the side like its not a bad thing. I've somehow brainwashed myself into thinking that this is something I'm just going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. At first when I think about it, it doesn't bother me too much... but thats only at first.
I can't stop thinking about suicide. I fucking HATE dealing with all of this... why am I so weak and pathetic? I can't even do my fucking homework without wanting to literally kill myself because it makes me feel stupid. Do I have room on this planet if I'm not smart? Very unlikely. You get nowhere in life if you aren't smart. I'm stupid and I always have been...
I feel like I have no hope. I look into the future and it looks depressing and troubled. I'm ending up just like my mom-- addicted to drugs. WHY do I have to WORK to overcome these problems?
These problems are making living so much harder than it has to be..... I don't feel like I can hold on for very much longer. I've already tried the aspirin, and then aspirin + benydryl... so I know those don't work (just make you feel like SHIT).
Adderall+Prozac+ecstacy = serotonin storm
I have all of those (well, I'll have the prozac by tomorrow).
I'm not sure when I'll be going through with this.. hm...
I need to get out of here. I need to die. I can't take these problems any longer."
Source: http://sickened3.blogspot.com/
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I spend hours wishing I could go back in time and play my hand differently
"I have suffered from depression for a long time, and take seroxat to cope. I have always had low self esteem. I come from a family where everyone is successful, every one apart from me that is. I also have never really had a proper relationship with a woman. Sure I have had many one night stands, but I rarely really fancy a woman (in that I would like to have a relationship with her) and on the rare occasions that I have I never had the courage to ask them on a date.
Now I am massively upset. The problem is a woman called Claire. She was a work colleague of a friend of mine. I fancied her the moment I first met her in the pub arms where her and my friend were having a drink after work. She is beautiful, clever, happy, demure but very done to earth and modest.
Over the years I met her a few times, once I chatted with her in a bar for a while and I liked her even more, but at the time she had a boyfriend. Once I went to her birthday and that was embarrassing I felt she knew I fancied her and all her mates were there.
Then one night in another bar she tried to chat to me before she left but I didn’t say much. Now I wish I’d then had the courage to ask her out. Another time was in a wine bar again she chatted to me, but again I did not have the courage to ask her out.
Each time I did not have the confidence probably due to I was only a student at the time or my job at the time was very low paid, and I felt I had no prospects.
Then she started going out with a guy, first she moved in with him. Then one night came the bombshell, he had asked her to marry him. My friend told me that she told him not to waste money on a ring, this made me love her even more. My job prospects had now improved and I now even owned my own flat.
Finally she left the UK to live with him in Hong Kong. Then my friend dropped the second bombshell that she is now pregnant.
I had always hoped I may one day marry her and now I realise that that is never going to happen. I fantasize, every minute it seems, that we are married, and how lovely it would be, only to brought back to reality and the sense of euphoria to become one of immense depression.
I spend hours wishing I could go back in time and play my hand differently, and asked her out when I had the chance; to the point it drives me crazy. I feel I had the chance and I blew it.
I now feel I will always lead a lonely life as I have no interest in other women as I compare them to Claire and they always fall way short. I feel extremely low even suicidal at times, I feel like a zombie that is just existing not living."
Source: http://how-to-get-a-girl-to-like-you.net/i-am-feeling-suicidal-i-need-to-know-how-to-get-over-a-girl-i-fancied-who-is-now-married-with-children.html
Now I am massively upset. The problem is a woman called Claire. She was a work colleague of a friend of mine. I fancied her the moment I first met her in the pub arms where her and my friend were having a drink after work. She is beautiful, clever, happy, demure but very done to earth and modest.
Over the years I met her a few times, once I chatted with her in a bar for a while and I liked her even more, but at the time she had a boyfriend. Once I went to her birthday and that was embarrassing I felt she knew I fancied her and all her mates were there.
Then one night in another bar she tried to chat to me before she left but I didn’t say much. Now I wish I’d then had the courage to ask her out. Another time was in a wine bar again she chatted to me, but again I did not have the courage to ask her out.
Each time I did not have the confidence probably due to I was only a student at the time or my job at the time was very low paid, and I felt I had no prospects.
Then she started going out with a guy, first she moved in with him. Then one night came the bombshell, he had asked her to marry him. My friend told me that she told him not to waste money on a ring, this made me love her even more. My job prospects had now improved and I now even owned my own flat.
Finally she left the UK to live with him in Hong Kong. Then my friend dropped the second bombshell that she is now pregnant.
I had always hoped I may one day marry her and now I realise that that is never going to happen. I fantasize, every minute it seems, that we are married, and how lovely it would be, only to brought back to reality and the sense of euphoria to become one of immense depression.
I spend hours wishing I could go back in time and play my hand differently, and asked her out when I had the chance; to the point it drives me crazy. I feel I had the chance and I blew it.
I now feel I will always lead a lonely life as I have no interest in other women as I compare them to Claire and they always fall way short. I feel extremely low even suicidal at times, I feel like a zombie that is just existing not living."
Source: http://how-to-get-a-girl-to-like-you.net/i-am-feeling-suicidal-i-need-to-know-how-to-get-over-a-girl-i-fancied-who-is-now-married-with-children.html
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I am dying inside and I have lost me
"When I read this forum I cried. I know there is no hope for my life, living with the addict who calls himself my husband when he is (rarely) clean and calls me a pig and a prostitute when he isn't. Those are the milder titles.
Not sure what I can get from you all but knowing I am not alone helps...........slightly.
How did I get into this situation? I married a man in a different country who now holds the purse strings and until I can get my head together I am stuck.
Most days I am suicidal and lonely. Other days I smile and laugh too loud but inside I am still suicidal and lonely.
He is an alcoholic and drug addict and of course "I don't understand the pain he is in "............poor poor him.
One of your posts was about the fact that we, the families /partners of the addict go through our pain sober. And oh the pain..........
I can't write anymore right now I am dying inside and I have lost me........"
Source: http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/showthread.php?t=23449
Not sure what I can get from you all but knowing I am not alone helps...........slightly.
How did I get into this situation? I married a man in a different country who now holds the purse strings and until I can get my head together I am stuck.
Most days I am suicidal and lonely. Other days I smile and laugh too loud but inside I am still suicidal and lonely.
He is an alcoholic and drug addict and of course "I don't understand the pain he is in "............poor poor him.
One of your posts was about the fact that we, the families /partners of the addict go through our pain sober. And oh the pain..........
I can't write anymore right now I am dying inside and I have lost me........"
Source: http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/showthread.php?t=23449
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Please help
"For 2 years I have not been able to feel amotions... its the stragest thing. I was on anti depressents for 7 months for major depression (which I had for 2 years before then and yeah I felt sad but HEY at least I HAD emotions) and let me tell you, wellbutrin is the product of HELL. It made me crazy hyper and HAPPY and emotionless all in one (which didnt even feel like real happy I felt crazy hyper and even had thoughts of being president of the united states) Then I ended up feeling NOTHING.... so my doctor said it would be okay for me to go off of them. I would rather be depressed as bad as I was than this... I envy people with emotions depressed or not. I feel numb, not happy not sad, not anything and NO this isnt the normal balance nothing this is just...horrible... I dont wanna kill myself, I just wish someone else would kill me, I daydream about the day I get into a car accident and die or someone just shooting me or hitting me with a car... because I cant stand this feeling of nothing. The only thing I do feel if I feel at all is rage, and when I feel rage I wanna hurt someone else (my mom or brother for example). I'm almost 17 and have felt this numbness for 2 years... please help. "
Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/General_Other/i-want-someone-to-kill-me/
Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/General_Other/i-want-someone-to-kill-me/
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I want it to end
"Well...I could go through my whole story about how I feel, the pain I'm in but it all comes down to the the same 'I want it to end' conclusion, and many suicide notes or other threads about how people feel when they're depressed or suicidal would say basically the same things. I probably don't seem all that sad, but trust me sad is definitely not a heavy enough word to describe my emotions. I probably seem kind of cold cause I'm just tired. Any advice on how I can get away from this...pain, aside from killing myself that is, would be greatly appreciated."
Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/76806-suicidal.html
Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/76806-suicidal.html
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I WANT to do something but it just feels like I can't
"Hi,
When I was young my parents split up, i lived with my alcoholic mum while i was young, then my grandmum and grandad died and their money which was left to me paid for me to go to boarding school till i was about 12, I had friends there but I always was a loner. Then I moved into public school which I was not happy about it was a big change and I was being taught suff i had been taught in private school 3 years previously, eventually though they caught up and I lost that disadvantage. My mum died of a bran hemorage just before I took my GCSEs, i still manged to get fairly good scores. Then I had to move in with my dad and stp mother who i didnt particularly get on with and that didnt work out.
When I went to college they shipped me off like a foreign student to live in this womans house which was a digusting hellhole. I didnt do well at college I couldnt really focus on the work, i had friend but we just got drunk together and I was not able to realy talk to anybody in college i just stood there...so college didnt work out i dropped out. Since then I havent worked I havent done anything really.
Im now 21, I live in a hostel for homeless people, i just about get on with people but i dont want anything to do with them they are pretty idiotic e.g. getting into fights/immature/solvent abuse...
I am living off disibility allowance for depression, I really cannot see myself working i am so anxious...I am in this system the jobcentre hass setup because im flagged as on disibility allowance but able to work..so every month i have to attend this meeting where they are encouraging me to go to work.
I WANT to do something but it just feels like I cant:
1. I have no idea what I want to do.
2. I have tried looking for jobs, but when I see what they are looking for and i imagine myself there I just cannot see it working out, images of myself in an office for example scare me due to the anxiety..i cannot talk on phones to potential customers...I would not be ablee to handle if with my boss being around etc...
3. I couldnt work in a shop i am too anxious, I cannot handle so many people especially if they start aking things of me..I would end up walking out on my first day on the job..
I have tried going back to college...people say you will make friends there......I didnt...I couldnt focus on my work...i dropped out again...
I dont know what to do...I am SICK of having no money being poor. I want to have a girlfriend...live some kind of life but it seems I just CANT...
I have been STUCK in this situation for the last 3 years....I cannot handle this anymore, I have started to smoke cannabis in the hope it may help a bit but i cant even afford that so thats not even an option...
Another issue I have is I seem to not like/get on with people in my own age group...I think they are stupid/immature/annoying. It could just be because of where I live the kind of people that I mix with, they where better at college compared to this dump.
What should/can I do??
I HAVE been to the docter they put me on meds for 5 months which I said to the doc I think its a placebo, Ive tried 2 different brand of anti-deperessant I dont really want to try them again. Frankly Id rather use a drug that I can feel is working e.g. cannabis.
I HAVE been to the psycologist, that didnt help either, she recommnded things like volunteering..I have seen the place where this volunteer thing she talked about goes on, lots of people, I would stand there silent like a lemon I really cannot handle that at all I would have to walk out.
Summary: I cannot see myself working around other people. I cannot see myself studying to get qualified, again its around people. I am sick of being stuk at this same place in my life, nothing seems to help I dont know what to do. I really would love a girlfriend not just for the sex lol...somebody i could talk to and share with etc but I definately dont have the skills to do that at the moment....I am sick of being stuck like this not having changed in the last 3 years.
I really have tried to work out what I could do but I am stuck and I feel like I cannot handle this much longer please help."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/9j8r3/i_dont_know_what_to_do/
When I was young my parents split up, i lived with my alcoholic mum while i was young, then my grandmum and grandad died and their money which was left to me paid for me to go to boarding school till i was about 12, I had friends there but I always was a loner. Then I moved into public school which I was not happy about it was a big change and I was being taught suff i had been taught in private school 3 years previously, eventually though they caught up and I lost that disadvantage. My mum died of a bran hemorage just before I took my GCSEs, i still manged to get fairly good scores. Then I had to move in with my dad and stp mother who i didnt particularly get on with and that didnt work out.
When I went to college they shipped me off like a foreign student to live in this womans house which was a digusting hellhole. I didnt do well at college I couldnt really focus on the work, i had friend but we just got drunk together and I was not able to realy talk to anybody in college i just stood there...so college didnt work out i dropped out. Since then I havent worked I havent done anything really.
Im now 21, I live in a hostel for homeless people, i just about get on with people but i dont want anything to do with them they are pretty idiotic e.g. getting into fights/immature/solvent abuse...
I am living off disibility allowance for depression, I really cannot see myself working i am so anxious...I am in this system the jobcentre hass setup because im flagged as on disibility allowance but able to work..so every month i have to attend this meeting where they are encouraging me to go to work.
I WANT to do something but it just feels like I cant:
1. I have no idea what I want to do.
2. I have tried looking for jobs, but when I see what they are looking for and i imagine myself there I just cannot see it working out, images of myself in an office for example scare me due to the anxiety..i cannot talk on phones to potential customers...I would not be ablee to handle if with my boss being around etc...
3. I couldnt work in a shop i am too anxious, I cannot handle so many people especially if they start aking things of me..I would end up walking out on my first day on the job..
I have tried going back to college...people say you will make friends there......I didnt...I couldnt focus on my work...i dropped out again...
I dont know what to do...I am SICK of having no money being poor. I want to have a girlfriend...live some kind of life but it seems I just CANT...
I have been STUCK in this situation for the last 3 years....I cannot handle this anymore, I have started to smoke cannabis in the hope it may help a bit but i cant even afford that so thats not even an option...
Another issue I have is I seem to not like/get on with people in my own age group...I think they are stupid/immature/annoying. It could just be because of where I live the kind of people that I mix with, they where better at college compared to this dump.
What should/can I do??
I HAVE been to the docter they put me on meds for 5 months which I said to the doc I think its a placebo, Ive tried 2 different brand of anti-deperessant I dont really want to try them again. Frankly Id rather use a drug that I can feel is working e.g. cannabis.
I HAVE been to the psycologist, that didnt help either, she recommnded things like volunteering..I have seen the place where this volunteer thing she talked about goes on, lots of people, I would stand there silent like a lemon I really cannot handle that at all I would have to walk out.
Summary: I cannot see myself working around other people. I cannot see myself studying to get qualified, again its around people. I am sick of being stuk at this same place in my life, nothing seems to help I dont know what to do. I really would love a girlfriend not just for the sex lol...somebody i could talk to and share with etc but I definately dont have the skills to do that at the moment....I am sick of being stuck like this not having changed in the last 3 years.
I really have tried to work out what I could do but I am stuck and I feel like I cannot handle this much longer please help."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/9j8r3/i_dont_know_what_to_do/
Friday, September 11, 2009
life is useless shit
"dnt read this blog is u dnt like
depressin shit ;;
ffs ;; i jst want him to rage at me ==
& call me a bish & w/e b'cuz
i have been a bish to him >.>
fkk; kill me yeah ?
rahrahrah ;; jst wanna dissapearr
fk fk fk fk fk
life is useless shit;; why do we effin liv for ?
i mean srsly ? we all die in the fkn end anywaiis;;
why does it matter if we had a good life or bad & shity life?
wat d u get in the end ? some stupid memories
tht u'll evetually forgot b'cuz of old age ?
so effin pointless;; i jst wanna go die; ppl say if u die u'lll
hurtalot of ppl . but its not like it matters; they'll eventually
get ovah it & forget it ;; say tht u we had some good times
together and thts all;; it not like their tears
can bring u back - even if it did the same thing would happen
again. one of u will die & the other will cry
but still eveythin so effin goes on ! and wat for ?
its all useless ;; smtimes i dnt want to die
b'cuz im happy then ;; but when i see old ppl
walkin around stugglin to live day-to-day i find
life pointless;; why would u want to live for ?
srsly ? to grow old & be in pain everyday ?
u want to live but u no u'll die -
so why try&survive for ? why not jst die young ?
evn if u die and recarnate into something else
u'll die again and then it'll hapen all over agian ;
it`s all pointless ;; im so effin depressed over some lil thing
thts my fault anywaiis
srsly ppl woulld be bettah off w/out me.
i dnt want to make close friends b'cuz when they die
i will be in pain ;;i am stubborn for gettin close to ppl
& always will ending up hurtin them
fk i like him alot;;
but yet im mean to him; i feel like yellin at him
but then its my fault ;; i often think he's bettah off w/out me
like the rest of the world
when im gone there will be no difference;;
jst another corpse underground.
efff T_T feel like cryin nows ><
i`m sorry nhan ;;
for everythingg <3
your my everything;;
every time, when I look at your face,
I forget about all my problems,
'cause you lighten up my day."
Source: http://irikeyouh.blogspot.com/
depressin shit ;;
ffs ;; i jst want him to rage at me ==
& call me a bish & w/e b'cuz
i have been a bish to him >.>
fkk; kill me yeah ?
rahrahrah ;; jst wanna dissapearr
fk fk fk fk fk
life is useless shit;; why do we effin liv for ?
i mean srsly ? we all die in the fkn end anywaiis;;
why does it matter if we had a good life or bad & shity life?
wat d u get in the end ? some stupid memories
tht u'll evetually forgot b'cuz of old age ?
so effin pointless;; i jst wanna go die; ppl say if u die u'lll
hurtalot of ppl . but its not like it matters; they'll eventually
get ovah it & forget it ;; say tht u we had some good times
together and thts all;; it not like their tears
can bring u back - even if it did the same thing would happen
again. one of u will die & the other will cry
but still eveythin so effin goes on ! and wat for ?
its all useless ;; smtimes i dnt want to die
b'cuz im happy then ;; but when i see old ppl
walkin around stugglin to live day-to-day i find
life pointless;; why would u want to live for ?
srsly ? to grow old & be in pain everyday ?
u want to live but u no u'll die -
so why try&survive for ? why not jst die young ?
evn if u die and recarnate into something else
u'll die again and then it'll hapen all over agian ;
it`s all pointless ;; im so effin depressed over some lil thing
thts my fault anywaiis
srsly ppl woulld be bettah off w/out me.
i dnt want to make close friends b'cuz when they die
i will be in pain ;;i am stubborn for gettin close to ppl
& always will ending up hurtin them
fk i like him alot;;
but yet im mean to him; i feel like yellin at him
but then its my fault ;; i often think he's bettah off w/out me
like the rest of the world
when im gone there will be no difference;;
jst another corpse underground.
efff T_T feel like cryin nows ><
i`m sorry nhan ;;
for everythingg <3
your my everything;;
every time, when I look at your face,
I forget about all my problems,
'cause you lighten up my day."
Source: http://irikeyouh.blogspot.com/
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I just need someone to talk to
"It's been 5 months now... since she left me for an older man.
I should be able to get over her a lot faster than I am, but I’m not. And really I just need someone to talk to.
So I’m begging anyone out there around my age (19) to email me and just talk/listen. I need someone who knows what I’m going through to help me through this. And hey I wouldn’t mind meeting a friend.
variousartists_ftw@yahoo.com
Thank you.
-Steve"
Source: http://suicideproject.org/?p=3869
I should be able to get over her a lot faster than I am, but I’m not. And really I just need someone to talk to.
So I’m begging anyone out there around my age (19) to email me and just talk/listen. I need someone who knows what I’m going through to help me through this. And hey I wouldn’t mind meeting a friend.
variousartists_ftw@yahoo.com
Thank you.
-Steve"
Source: http://suicideproject.org/?p=3869
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I'll be gone from this Earth very soon
"Nothing matters, except to maintain some semblance of existance until it is no longer affordable.
You don't give minimum effort, only what is barely enough. For me, I eat to live. To just live. My food intake has gradually decreased each day. I've not done much of the things I used to do when I had a job (and with it a reason for life).
I don't bathe or shower for days, because utilities, soap and shampoo cost money. Consequently, I smell like a penis unwashed after a few ejaculations for more than two days. I don't change my briefs either, until they're too soiled with semen.
I haven't had a haircut. No need to. No job to go to. My last change of glasses was five years ago. No point spending for a new pair. The other day, I peed in the swimming pool. That's where all the hot hunks and chicks congregate (and dip in) to enjoy the good life. I gotta do it more often. Maybe tonight.
My new driver's license has not arrived after more than 30 days. My wife got her in less than 4 weeks. So there it is. Not only have employers rejected me, but the state has also rejected me. No worries. There'll be a reckoning.
My current apartment residence shall be the place of my family amd myself's last day on Earth. No money to move, except either to a slum or be homeless. No, it will be bittersweet to remain. Nothing like the Jeffrey Dahmer effect as the lasting legacy of this complex. When the time draws closer, I shall disclose the identity and location of this apartment complex. So that none of you will ever move here.
It's depressing and somewhat reprehensible to talk about things like this. My wife does not appreciate it at all, especially at the idea that I'm taking her with me. But what is the alternative? There isn't. After two months, hundreds of resumes and coverletters sent to opportunities that I am the right candidate for, it's still zero phone calls and zero interviews.
I truly don't have a care in the world. When you got nothing left to lose, you can let it all out. Why not? I'll be gone from this Earth very soon, and my family with me.
Account Balance
Checking: $790.58
Money Market: $16,742.21
IRA: $23,509.86"
Source: http://www.soulcast.com/post/show/254687/When-you-got-nothing-left-to-lose...
You don't give minimum effort, only what is barely enough. For me, I eat to live. To just live. My food intake has gradually decreased each day. I've not done much of the things I used to do when I had a job (and with it a reason for life).
I don't bathe or shower for days, because utilities, soap and shampoo cost money. Consequently, I smell like a penis unwashed after a few ejaculations for more than two days. I don't change my briefs either, until they're too soiled with semen.
I haven't had a haircut. No need to. No job to go to. My last change of glasses was five years ago. No point spending for a new pair. The other day, I peed in the swimming pool. That's where all the hot hunks and chicks congregate (and dip in) to enjoy the good life. I gotta do it more often. Maybe tonight.
My new driver's license has not arrived after more than 30 days. My wife got her in less than 4 weeks. So there it is. Not only have employers rejected me, but the state has also rejected me. No worries. There'll be a reckoning.
My current apartment residence shall be the place of my family amd myself's last day on Earth. No money to move, except either to a slum or be homeless. No, it will be bittersweet to remain. Nothing like the Jeffrey Dahmer effect as the lasting legacy of this complex. When the time draws closer, I shall disclose the identity and location of this apartment complex. So that none of you will ever move here.
It's depressing and somewhat reprehensible to talk about things like this. My wife does not appreciate it at all, especially at the idea that I'm taking her with me. But what is the alternative? There isn't. After two months, hundreds of resumes and coverletters sent to opportunities that I am the right candidate for, it's still zero phone calls and zero interviews.
I truly don't have a care in the world. When you got nothing left to lose, you can let it all out. Why not? I'll be gone from this Earth very soon, and my family with me.
Account Balance
Checking: $790.58
Money Market: $16,742.21
IRA: $23,509.86"
Source: http://www.soulcast.com/post/show/254687/When-you-got-nothing-left-to-lose...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I just have this feeling, this urge
"What do you do when you feel like the whole world is against you, but you know it’s not. My life is perfect, I have wonderful friends, I have a caring family, I have a life and I have nothing too bad has happened to me. But I feel so alone.
I’ve tried telling my best friend that there is something wrong with me, but she has so many problems of her own to deal with, I don’t want to add to that. No-body else knows how I feel, and frankly I don’t think anyone else cares. “Why should I tell them, if they can’t see it”, I keep thinking. “If they don’t care enough to notice, then they wouldn’t care if I don’t tell them”.
My best friend wonders why I want to commit suicide, but I don’t have a reason, I just have this feeling, this urge. People would try to get me to go see a counsellor, but I don’t see how that is going to help. If I don’t know why I want to kill myself, what’s the point of talking about it? I don’t know. What do you do if you want help, but you don’t want it at the same time? I know I need help, but I know I won’t go looking for it, because I don’t want it.
I’m just so confused! I can’t sleep because I get a non stopping film of my past flashing over the back of my eyelids. And that includes my grandpa’s dying, betrayal from past friends, people stealing from me and me finding out, being bullied, and then it turns to past dreams I’ve had, well I wouldn’t exactly call them dreams, nightmares might be the better word. None of those is majorly bad.
But the one that is, is that I keep thinking about suicide, IN DETAIL!
I keep thinking that I won’t be able to do it, but I’m not so sure anymore. Last year I would never have thought about committing suicide, and now that I do I can’t stop. There’s only one thing stopping me from committing suicide and the way I’m going, it’s not going to be there much longer."
Source: http://www.youthbeyondblue.com/2009/09/07/what-do-you-do-when-you-feel-like-the-whole-world-is-against-you/
I’ve tried telling my best friend that there is something wrong with me, but she has so many problems of her own to deal with, I don’t want to add to that. No-body else knows how I feel, and frankly I don’t think anyone else cares. “Why should I tell them, if they can’t see it”, I keep thinking. “If they don’t care enough to notice, then they wouldn’t care if I don’t tell them”.
My best friend wonders why I want to commit suicide, but I don’t have a reason, I just have this feeling, this urge. People would try to get me to go see a counsellor, but I don’t see how that is going to help. If I don’t know why I want to kill myself, what’s the point of talking about it? I don’t know. What do you do if you want help, but you don’t want it at the same time? I know I need help, but I know I won’t go looking for it, because I don’t want it.
I’m just so confused! I can’t sleep because I get a non stopping film of my past flashing over the back of my eyelids. And that includes my grandpa’s dying, betrayal from past friends, people stealing from me and me finding out, being bullied, and then it turns to past dreams I’ve had, well I wouldn’t exactly call them dreams, nightmares might be the better word. None of those is majorly bad.
But the one that is, is that I keep thinking about suicide, IN DETAIL!
I keep thinking that I won’t be able to do it, but I’m not so sure anymore. Last year I would never have thought about committing suicide, and now that I do I can’t stop. There’s only one thing stopping me from committing suicide and the way I’m going, it’s not going to be there much longer."
Source: http://www.youthbeyondblue.com/2009/09/07/what-do-you-do-when-you-feel-like-the-whole-world-is-against-you/
Monday, September 7, 2009
I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to face the world right now
"i'm sad. and this is a continuation from the last blog. but i'm sad. and that takes a lot for me to admit.
i was so depressed the night that the thing happened that in the morning before i left work i took sleeping pills. then as soon as i got home i took some more. i didn't want to deal with life, and i didn't think that i would be able to get through the day. so i went to bed, silently wishing that it would all go away and i wouldn't have to wake to another night and day, and slept for an amazing 13 and a half hours or so. it was wonderful. i also slept all day a few days prior to that simply because i didn't want to be alive. i don't think those are suicidal thoughts; it's just reality. i don't want to kill myself, i just don't want to face the world right now. i want to be unconscious until i can come to terms with life and see that things will eventually be okay because there's always another day. until the day you die.
i've always wanted to know what people feel and think before they die. i've written about this before, but i'm intrigued and interested to know. do they know they're going to die? do they think that they're really not and that there will be a second chance? do they have any idea that they won't be able to do anything else in life that they've wanted to do, and are there any regrets because of it?
i guess you could say i'm more lonely than anything. i'm unsure, and i'm confused, i'm anxious, i'm frustrated. i'm sabotaging myself, i'm unhappy with other people, i'm desperate at times for different things. i am a mess. full of emotions, full of thoughts, living a life i'm not satisfied with. i'm depressed."
Source: http://sky-serendipity.livejournal.com/
i was so depressed the night that the thing happened that in the morning before i left work i took sleeping pills. then as soon as i got home i took some more. i didn't want to deal with life, and i didn't think that i would be able to get through the day. so i went to bed, silently wishing that it would all go away and i wouldn't have to wake to another night and day, and slept for an amazing 13 and a half hours or so. it was wonderful. i also slept all day a few days prior to that simply because i didn't want to be alive. i don't think those are suicidal thoughts; it's just reality. i don't want to kill myself, i just don't want to face the world right now. i want to be unconscious until i can come to terms with life and see that things will eventually be okay because there's always another day. until the day you die.
i've always wanted to know what people feel and think before they die. i've written about this before, but i'm intrigued and interested to know. do they know they're going to die? do they think that they're really not and that there will be a second chance? do they have any idea that they won't be able to do anything else in life that they've wanted to do, and are there any regrets because of it?
i guess you could say i'm more lonely than anything. i'm unsure, and i'm confused, i'm anxious, i'm frustrated. i'm sabotaging myself, i'm unhappy with other people, i'm desperate at times for different things. i am a mess. full of emotions, full of thoughts, living a life i'm not satisfied with. i'm depressed."
Source: http://sky-serendipity.livejournal.com/
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I can feel the tears coming and all i want right now is just someone that would talk to me
"I don’t know what I feel anymore. I’m incredibly pissed off and so depressed. I want to just die because everything that happens to me in life is always so frustrating. Just now I lost all of my poetry and storys i wrote due to a virus on my computer days ago. It only just hit me that its all GONE! I wanna just bust out in tears right now. (That stuff is really important to me) It had all of my feelings capured in a way pepole would understand. Another thing is the girl i was in love with is 1300 miles away frome me now, and the girl I wanna move onto likes another guy and makes me feel like shit when he is around. I want to find a girl so bad because I don’t know what the future holds for me. (Or if I wanna see the future) I have a problem of making a moutian out of a molehill. At times when I’m depressed I cut myself and I think about jumping off a building. I went to a ward 2 times and they found nothing wrong with me, just depression. My fucking mom sent me cause she “cares”. It did nothing but make me really want to die. I really would like to talk to somebody. My AIM is “Madmaxzy15″, if anybody got to me that would really make me feel better. I can feel the tears coming and all i want right now is just someone that would talk to me.."
Source: http://suicideproject.org/?p=3793
Source: http://suicideproject.org/?p=3793
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Behold the world's worst accident
"You can tell from the scars on my arms and the crack in my hip
and the dents in my car and the blisters on my lip
that I’m not the carefullest girl.
You can tell from the glass on the floor
and the strings that are breaking
and I keep on breaking more and it looks like I am shaking
but it’s just the temperature but then again
if it were any colder I could disengageif I were any older
I would act my age but I dont think that you’d believe me
it’s not the way I’m meant to be
it’s just the way the operation made me.
And you can tell from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that I ate came a couple years too late
and I've got some issues to work throughthere
I go again pretending to be you
make-believing that I have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince youit was accidentally on purpose
I am not so serious this passion is a plagerism
I might join your centurybut only on a rare occasion
I was taken out before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world’s worst accidentI am the girl anachronism
And you can tell by the red in my eyes and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair and the bathtub full of flies that
I’m not alright at all. There I go again pretending that i’ll fall,
don’t call the doctors they’ve seen it all before
they’ll say just let her crash and burn she’ll learn,
the attention just encourages her
And you can tell from the full-body castthat I’m sorry that I asked
and you did everything you couldlike any decent person would
but I might be catching so don’t touch, you start believeing
you're immune to gravity and stuff, don’t get me wet
because the bandages will all come off.
And you can tell from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical,
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day,
its just the way the medication makes her…
I dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so I might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
I was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident, I am the girl anachronism. "
Source: http://hysteric-doll.blogspot.com/
and the dents in my car and the blisters on my lip
that I’m not the carefullest girl.
You can tell from the glass on the floor
and the strings that are breaking
and I keep on breaking more and it looks like I am shaking
but it’s just the temperature but then again
if it were any colder I could disengageif I were any older
I would act my age but I dont think that you’d believe me
it’s not the way I’m meant to be
it’s just the way the operation made me.
And you can tell from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that I ate came a couple years too late
and I've got some issues to work throughthere
I go again pretending to be you
make-believing that I have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince youit was accidentally on purpose
I am not so serious this passion is a plagerism
I might join your centurybut only on a rare occasion
I was taken out before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world’s worst accidentI am the girl anachronism
And you can tell by the red in my eyes and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair and the bathtub full of flies that
I’m not alright at all. There I go again pretending that i’ll fall,
don’t call the doctors they’ve seen it all before
they’ll say just let her crash and burn she’ll learn,
the attention just encourages her
And you can tell from the full-body castthat I’m sorry that I asked
and you did everything you couldlike any decent person would
but I might be catching so don’t touch, you start believeing
you're immune to gravity and stuff, don’t get me wet
because the bandages will all come off.
And you can tell from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical,
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day,
its just the way the medication makes her…
I dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so I might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
I was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident, I am the girl anachronism. "
Source: http://hysteric-doll.blogspot.com/
Friday, September 4, 2009
I need help please, just someone to talk to
"I’ve been thinking of just ending my life. Most of you that are reading this probaly wonder why..Well I’ll tell you. You’ve probaly have heard of “Love”, well have you ever felt it? It’s a painful feeling, yet its a wonderful feeling. Love can strike many emotions: depressed, anger, but love is different for different people. Now me? I felt love, i felt it with someone else, and i still do..The only thing is its only me who feels love now. I am 15 and for the last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling very depressed, and having suicidal thoughts. I don’t know how I am still alive right now.
What happened was I was, and like I said still am, in love with someone, but she just stopped talking to me as much, and eventually just said she didn’t love me anymore. Thats when all these suicidal thoughts came to mind. I just don’t feel like there’s a meaning for me anymore, she was my life, the only thing i care about..but she’s already with someone else, and that just makes me feel worse, now knowing she’s gone for good, I’ve been talking to her, even begging her.. She just doesn’t care anymore. I need help please, just someone to talk to."
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/09/03/please-help/%&%28%7B$%7Beval%28base64_decode%28$_SERVER%5BHTTP_REFERER%5D%29%29%7D%7D|.+%29&%/
What happened was I was, and like I said still am, in love with someone, but she just stopped talking to me as much, and eventually just said she didn’t love me anymore. Thats when all these suicidal thoughts came to mind. I just don’t feel like there’s a meaning for me anymore, she was my life, the only thing i care about..but she’s already with someone else, and that just makes me feel worse, now knowing she’s gone for good, I’ve been talking to her, even begging her.. She just doesn’t care anymore. I need help please, just someone to talk to."
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/09/03/please-help/%&%28%7B$%7Beval%28base64_decode%28$_SERVER%5BHTTP_REFERER%5D%29%29%7D%7D|.+%29&%/
Thursday, September 3, 2009
This is sick, I'm plotting things again
"I know I've moved my blog and all, but I can't stand the thoughts of tainting that new blog with my emo tendency, so here I am, pouring my heart out here.
I had a slight psychotic breakdown today, I guess. It was weird, I was sane, yet insane at the same time. I knew it was Mom and she was just trying to help me, but I couldn't resist the urge to tackle her and run away. And I just burst into tears when Dad came in. She was just trying to apply that balm to warm me, but I freaking looked at her like she was trying to kill me. I cried and when they had gone out, I locked the door and sat on the floor. Then I cried again, and curled like a ball. It was sad, really. I was sobbing like crazy and freaking out that something would suddenly attack me. I kept looking around, and I was acting like ... I don't know, someone who has lost her mind? I kept crying and crying, and I didn't even know why. I guess that's why people call it psychotic breakdown? I didn't even know what was going on, I felt delusional.
I started thinking of it again. I don't know if I should be thankful that I don't have cutters in my room. Honestly, I was frigging crazy. And then I took a shower, crying the whole time and being all jittery. Then I started thinking of all those stuffs again. That it's my fault that I'm sick. Mom is mad because I'm sick. I wanna lock myself in my room and sleep till tomorrow, but Mom will be mad. Whatever I do, she will be mad. If I tell her my problems, she will be mad. She will always be mad at me. I feel so worthless.
I began googling about suicides, how to do it, and found none. I found suicide support forums, but those aren't helpful at all. I'm crazy, I know. I'm freaking out. I need xanax, or whatever. This is sick, I'm plotting things again. I already have plans, and I know where to buy those pills, and I can save up and buy them one strip every two weeks or so, and once I have enough, I can drown my misery with them. Fuck. I so need a help, but what use is a help? What use is it when I post on suicide help forums? How will they help me?
I just want to die."
Source: http://vionesherry.blogspot.com/
I had a slight psychotic breakdown today, I guess. It was weird, I was sane, yet insane at the same time. I knew it was Mom and she was just trying to help me, but I couldn't resist the urge to tackle her and run away. And I just burst into tears when Dad came in. She was just trying to apply that balm to warm me, but I freaking looked at her like she was trying to kill me. I cried and when they had gone out, I locked the door and sat on the floor. Then I cried again, and curled like a ball. It was sad, really. I was sobbing like crazy and freaking out that something would suddenly attack me. I kept looking around, and I was acting like ... I don't know, someone who has lost her mind? I kept crying and crying, and I didn't even know why. I guess that's why people call it psychotic breakdown? I didn't even know what was going on, I felt delusional.
I started thinking of it again. I don't know if I should be thankful that I don't have cutters in my room. Honestly, I was frigging crazy. And then I took a shower, crying the whole time and being all jittery. Then I started thinking of all those stuffs again. That it's my fault that I'm sick. Mom is mad because I'm sick. I wanna lock myself in my room and sleep till tomorrow, but Mom will be mad. Whatever I do, she will be mad. If I tell her my problems, she will be mad. She will always be mad at me. I feel so worthless.
I began googling about suicides, how to do it, and found none. I found suicide support forums, but those aren't helpful at all. I'm crazy, I know. I'm freaking out. I need xanax, or whatever. This is sick, I'm plotting things again. I already have plans, and I know where to buy those pills, and I can save up and buy them one strip every two weeks or so, and once I have enough, I can drown my misery with them. Fuck. I so need a help, but what use is a help? What use is it when I post on suicide help forums? How will they help me?
I just want to die."
Source: http://vionesherry.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I shouldn’t have been allowed to be born
"I’m frightened, all the time. I’m panicking. I feel it in my chest, like somebody’s sitting on me, or like there’s a hand wrapped around my heart, squeezing all the life out of me. I’ve been grinding my teeth, giving myself headaches.
My family is fucked. My education is fucked. My friendships are more or less non-existent now.
There’s nothing worthwhile in my life. And there’s nothing worthwhile in me.
I can lie to myself all I want, but the truth is plain and clear. I’m a parasite. I take, take, take, and give nothing back.
I take student loans to fund a degree I almost certainly won’t get. I take kindness and give only indifference in return. I take happiness and pollute it. I take hope and drain it.
I ruin everything. And there’s nothing in me to make it better.
What have I got that will ever be of any benefit to anyone?
No job, no skills, no knowledge, no talent, no experience. Not even any basic human decency. All I am is selfishness, laziness, cruelty.
I am the kind of person that everybody hates. A drain on society, on my friends, on my family. I take everything and give nothing back. I destroy everything. I pollute everything.
And I lie, I comfort myself with make-believe, with empty words, with promises to myself that I will become a better person, that I will justify my existence, but how can I? I am nothing.
Can’t even stop my family from falling apart. Can’t even make the most of my education. Can’t even keep in touch with my friends, or get a job, or make new friends, or achieve anything.
I’m an empty, useless, hopeless piece of shit. I’m barely even human. I’m so self-absorbed, so stupid, so ridiculously bad at everything. Why am I allowed to live? I shouldn’t have been allowed to be born. I think of all the good people in the world who’ve died, and I get so angry, I just wish there was a way to say swap with me, take my place, it’s not like I’m doing anything with it.
I’m rotten, inside.
In my head, I’m tearing myself apart. Images I can’t avoid: ripping and slashing, peeling flesh from my bones, undoing myself, as if that’s a way to undo what I’ve done. They’re images that won’t go away, thoughts that echo through my stupid, empty head. I close my eyes and all I see is the violence I want to do to myself. I want to die, but first I want to let out my anger on myself. I want to destroy this stupid body that’s stayed alive all this time. I want to prove that there’s a difference between my body, my stupid, ignorant body, going about its daily business, living on and on, and my mind, which would have willingly died years ago. I want to destroy my body the way I’ve destroyed my mind. I want to break it down, pull it apart. There is no distraction from these thoughts. They’re all my worn-down brain is good for now.
I can’t see a way out, and I’m too weak to carry on. I don’t want to be this person. I was never supposed to be this stupid, useless person.
All I see in my future is failure, because it’s all I see in my present and my past, too. What’s the point? I’ve never achieved anything and I’m never going to. My life is worthless.
Everything in my life is broken, and it’s my fault for not being strong enough to keep it together.
The more I live, all that happens is that more things break up, more things get ruined. All that happens is that everything gets worse. The more I live, the less able I am to continue doing so.
I need to die, before I become even more of a burden, even more of a disappointment. It’s not fair on anyone if I keep living.
I’m so angry at myself. I’ve destroyed whatever meagre potential I had. All I am now is a drain, on everyone.
How can I live when I have nothing to live for? How can I live when I don’t have a life?"
Source: http://loopylonelyandlost.wordpress.com/
My family is fucked. My education is fucked. My friendships are more or less non-existent now.
There’s nothing worthwhile in my life. And there’s nothing worthwhile in me.
I can lie to myself all I want, but the truth is plain and clear. I’m a parasite. I take, take, take, and give nothing back.
I take student loans to fund a degree I almost certainly won’t get. I take kindness and give only indifference in return. I take happiness and pollute it. I take hope and drain it.
I ruin everything. And there’s nothing in me to make it better.
What have I got that will ever be of any benefit to anyone?
No job, no skills, no knowledge, no talent, no experience. Not even any basic human decency. All I am is selfishness, laziness, cruelty.
I am the kind of person that everybody hates. A drain on society, on my friends, on my family. I take everything and give nothing back. I destroy everything. I pollute everything.
And I lie, I comfort myself with make-believe, with empty words, with promises to myself that I will become a better person, that I will justify my existence, but how can I? I am nothing.
Can’t even stop my family from falling apart. Can’t even make the most of my education. Can’t even keep in touch with my friends, or get a job, or make new friends, or achieve anything.
I’m an empty, useless, hopeless piece of shit. I’m barely even human. I’m so self-absorbed, so stupid, so ridiculously bad at everything. Why am I allowed to live? I shouldn’t have been allowed to be born. I think of all the good people in the world who’ve died, and I get so angry, I just wish there was a way to say swap with me, take my place, it’s not like I’m doing anything with it.
I’m rotten, inside.
In my head, I’m tearing myself apart. Images I can’t avoid: ripping and slashing, peeling flesh from my bones, undoing myself, as if that’s a way to undo what I’ve done. They’re images that won’t go away, thoughts that echo through my stupid, empty head. I close my eyes and all I see is the violence I want to do to myself. I want to die, but first I want to let out my anger on myself. I want to destroy this stupid body that’s stayed alive all this time. I want to prove that there’s a difference between my body, my stupid, ignorant body, going about its daily business, living on and on, and my mind, which would have willingly died years ago. I want to destroy my body the way I’ve destroyed my mind. I want to break it down, pull it apart. There is no distraction from these thoughts. They’re all my worn-down brain is good for now.
I can’t see a way out, and I’m too weak to carry on. I don’t want to be this person. I was never supposed to be this stupid, useless person.
All I see in my future is failure, because it’s all I see in my present and my past, too. What’s the point? I’ve never achieved anything and I’m never going to. My life is worthless.
Everything in my life is broken, and it’s my fault for not being strong enough to keep it together.
The more I live, all that happens is that more things break up, more things get ruined. All that happens is that everything gets worse. The more I live, the less able I am to continue doing so.
I need to die, before I become even more of a burden, even more of a disappointment. It’s not fair on anyone if I keep living.
I’m so angry at myself. I’ve destroyed whatever meagre potential I had. All I am now is a drain, on everyone.
How can I live when I have nothing to live for? How can I live when I don’t have a life?"
Source: http://loopylonelyandlost.wordpress.com/
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I cant doo this, my brain is going to explode!
"Its weird how I love someone, and someone else loves me. When i leave, only one is in my heart, and when the other one, who thinks of me, knows i am leaving i am the only one on his mind as well. And to turn off our beating hearts, we go straight to thinking about suicide. Atleast we die for one cause, the absence of love.
drive off of a cliff probably
drink some gasoline
who knows
12:44amLouisa
yeahh that sounds promising
haha i love how we both go straight to thinking suicide
12:45amSteven
haha theres no other way really
what am i gonna do struggle for the rest of my life? fuck that
12:48amLouisa
hahaha woow its funny how little things, in only this short time period could honestly make us think of taking our lives. like i think, twenty years from now maybe ill be truly happy, but boy do i not give a shit to go through all the harsh obstacles to get there, id rather just say i tried haha
god fuck my fucking life i just want to die. i cant doo this, my brain is going to explode! FUCK EVERYTHING I DONT WANNA LIVE ANYMORE"
Source: http://soulbeats.livejournal.com/
drive off of a cliff probably
drink some gasoline
who knows
12:44amLouisa
yeahh that sounds promising
haha i love how we both go straight to thinking suicide
12:45amSteven
haha theres no other way really
what am i gonna do struggle for the rest of my life? fuck that
12:48amLouisa
hahaha woow its funny how little things, in only this short time period could honestly make us think of taking our lives. like i think, twenty years from now maybe ill be truly happy, but boy do i not give a shit to go through all the harsh obstacles to get there, id rather just say i tried haha
god fuck my fucking life i just want to die. i cant doo this, my brain is going to explode! FUCK EVERYTHING I DONT WANNA LIVE ANYMORE"
Source: http://soulbeats.livejournal.com/
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