I feel like hurting myself

"My husband and I are separated. I have two small children. They constantly need my love and attention. I'm a college student and I'm pretty busy with that.

Well, as each day end, I feel worst. I go to bed crying. I barely pay any attention to my children because I'm lifeless. Every time I think about my husband I cry and cry. I can't do my homework because a million thoughts are racing through my head. Basically, I feel like I'm lifeless. I have many thoughts of just letting the pain go. I keep telling myself that I need to be strong for my children. I need to get up and read to them like used too. Play them, teach them something. Instead, I just sit there staring into space. I feel so horrible just doing that to them. I can barely eat, sleep, or get up to do something. This is could be the worst part; I feel like hurting myself.

I have no one to speak too. My parents are controlling and they would just lecture me. I can't speak to family because they would just go tell my parents. I can't speak to my husband because he already thinks I'm crazy. I really don't have any friends. And, the friends who I do have, probably wouldn't even listen.

I was wondering is there any good forums? Or, people who may listen to me? Of course, I would return the favor. I suppose that I'm looking for a friend. Can anyone offer any advice to me. I need to get my life straighten out for my children and my husband. Hopefully, no one will look down at me. Thank you for listening."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9fnd1/i_have_reached_a_deep_end_and_i_dont_know_how_i/

I just don't want to live to see the next sunrise

"I did what I felt like doing.
Not deep enough though
obviously...
Today I feel worse than ever...I was feeling better earlier....But someone ruined it
and I feel like it's official. I really can't handle everything anymore...
I can't handle people fucking with me, I can't handle loosing someone else, I can't handle all of this pain.
I can't handle anything anymore and I just wish my life would just....stop.
It never stops and It won't go away. What do I have left? What will I become? nothing
I'm a failure and I'm worthless.
Is this why it's so easy for people to pick me to fuck around with? to fuck with my mind? treat me like shit?
I just don't want to live to see the next sunrise."

Source: http://rayn-bowh-luvr.livejournal.com/

I’m just watching as life passes me by - this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death

"I don’t want this post to make to just irritate you
I don’t want it to make me seem like a hypochondriac
But really in the end I don’t care what it seems
No one will really understand or care
I’m writing this for myself, for no one else
Although it won’t even help me
It just seems necessary right now
And everyone likes to complain sometimes
It’s easier here and it’ll be less of a burden to anyone
This is for me

So, a day for me isn’t anything special. They are all the same, and they are just steps leading to your death. None of it means anything, none of its important.
I have lost touch with absolutely everything and everyone.
I’m so detached, mostly from myself.
Music is the ONLY thing keeping me alive at this point, I don’t go an hour without listening to it, if I’m not listening to it I’m subconsciously tapping something and thinking about music or it’s playing in my head.
For the record- new wave, pop, recent rap, etc don’t even qualify as music, if you listen to that you know nothing. Simple as that.
Most of the time I’m just sitting around and having ‘out-of-body experiences’ meaning I’m completely dissociative.
I hardly know when I’m breathing it sounds like someone else, everything feels… off.
Everything sounds, smells, tastes, looks just off.
I’m just waiting to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I couldn’t be more sure I am schizophrenic but meds would be nice.
Although being able to live like a happy person without chemically altering my blood would be nice. But that’s not an option for me.
I’m depressive as hell, seem to have insomnia or that may be part of the schizophrenia and depression mostly because I just lay with horrible negative thoughts that seem like they may start just spilling out of my head and hallucinating like I’m having a bad drug experience. I don’t remember anything, because when something happens I don’t experience, I can’t live. I'm always so consumed with thought in my head or blankly staring at something and I may as well be in a different world. I’m never really here.
I feel as though I live in a completely alternate universe, I’m like an alien.
Nothing means a thing anymore, I have no care in this world.
Yet I manage to detest everything about it, everything about myself.
I am so fucking fed up.
Every time I have a conversation, I feel that every word that escapes my mouth is judged and misunderstood, so I hardly talk. Nothing good will come from it anyways.
I’m just watching as life passes me by- this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death.
Humans think they own the earth which is ludicrous and not at all right. But you know what, I don’t give a fuck, I guess considering we’re the most cruel and selfish species, we managed to overrun the rest and control and ruin their lives. We seem to think everything was put on this earth for us- but maybe we were just put here to destroy all of it. Whatever the case- survival of the fittest, only the strong ones should survive.
And animals kill eachother all the time, why are we so restricted, why do we think murder so wrong. We’ve been convinced that all our natural instincts go against nature, which makes no fucking sense at all. The 7 deadly sins? Fuck that, they are our 7 living essentials. We are the stupidest species with the least amount of freedom.
I don’t know what normal human behaviour is anymore, everything I do or say I feel is out of the ordinary and will be noticed as strange. I can no longer fake it.
Every movement I do, and every one I don’t seems wrong now.
I feel, when I’m in public I’m trying mimic humans so I won’t be questioned.
EVERYTHING’S SO FUCKED!"

Source: http://constant-fugue-state.blogspot.com/2009/08/words-i-just-need-to-say.html

The struggle continues

"I want to be sick. Right now, I want to throw up and it's all because of anxiety.

I spoke in my last post about what counselling had dug up - a heart, not even of glass, but of nothing. Now the counsellor said that the amount of skill and energy I devote to my anxiety shows that, in fact, I am at least a capable person. Building that core is going take time and I've only just started.

So, at the moment, I am trapped in anxiety hell.

First of all, I should make clear, some of this anxiety is rational, the consequences I create are not. It has a very specific focus at that moment but I've always been anxious around other people and feared them to a degree that is out of all proportion to any real threat.

This fear, of course, is much worse in cities simply because there are more people.

At the moment my focus is entirely on a group of kids who gather and play in our street; I would guess they range in age from six to 11. The rational part of my fear is that they are bad, nasty, naughty kids (or so I have convinced myself, maybe I am wrong and they're just mischievous and noisy). However, I know that they roam the streets till around 10pm or 11pm each night. I know their language is appalling, that they bully each other and fight terribly, that they throw rubbish wherever they feel like throwing it, including our garden and that a couple of them I've seen getting up to other stuff like throwing stones at people's doors. They run in and out of people's gardens, ride their bikes like lunatics up and down the pavements and basically show no consideration for anyone. Their only means of communication is screaming; which like everything else they get from their parents.

You'll see already what anxiety is doing to me. How much time I've wasted on these kids and what they do. And that's what it's doing to me - it's eating my life.

It's the consequences I create that are the reason that I am so upset by this. If they shout at me (as they have not, as they show no signs of doing) I believe I will be destroyed. It's hard to describe what I mean by destroyed beyond what it says on the tin - I will in some important way cease to exist. My mind races on to this conclusion without regard to logic or evidence, something like this: they will shout at me, I will shout back, they will follow me shouting this abuse, they will follow me home, I will be forced to confront them and say 'shut up' they will wait outside the house shouting this abuse and throwing stones at the door and window and what? And, blackness. I can't imagine anything or describe it as anything other than destruction, inside I know I mean running home to my parents, losing my relationship and any good I had done in my life, and a suicide attempt is likely.

I'm paranoid. I won't go in the front room without the blinds down. Whenever I go out - and it takes a while to get up the courage to do this - I scan for them everywhere. This is bringing me to their attention because I'm always looking at them and in my mind I believe they can sense my fear and will therefore see their prey. I go through an elaborate mental dance each time I have to walk past them - should I cross the road early, possibly showing fear, should I carry on and possibly invite words, should I try and say 'all right' to them in the vain hope they will like me (this pathetic craven belief has been with me for a long time; as a child I sought the approval of bullies in a desperate attempt to escape being their victim - the upshot, I made lots of crap friends.)

So, this is killing my life and endangering my recovery. I have no appetite and I often feel sick. I'm putting a lot of things off limits and I'm exhausted all the time for this expending constant nervous energy. It is upsetting Mrs CD and spoiling our relationship. I'm getting headaches. It takes me ages of psyching to get out of the house and when I do I stay out all day stopping me getting on with my volunteering on the computer, I shelter naturally in the pub and that's not a good thing.

But, I am fighting it. First of all, I have started repeating mantra-like to myself that I am strong and using the visualisation techniques I've been taught. I am forcing myself to do what I have to do. I am turning up radios and television in the house so I simply don't have to hear their noise. Today, I've gone cold turkey on caffeine, which is why I currently have a splitting headache.

It's hard and it's dangerous and it will take a long time. This helps. I have historically used alcohol to self-medicate for anxiety, but I've never really had it this badly - when I was drunk and living here I didn't notice them so much. It has got worse lately as two little groups have made friends and they gather round our neighbours' house.

I want a drink so badly and were I not on antabuse I would have had one by now. (I typed one, that's ridiculous, I would have drunk myself insensible).

The struggle continues. I have good times too, but they are getting increasingly fleeting. "

Source: http://drunkincardiff.blogspot.com/

I have come to the conclusion that life isn't fun at all

"Hey Reddit I have come to the conclusion that life isn't fun at all. I'll start from the beginning I'm a math major at my local university and have spent the last 2 years studying math with no real idea what I'll do with it later in life. Around this time last year I started having problems sleeping, a lack of appetite and had thoughts of suicide. I went to the doctors and learned I have depression and got pills for it. All this was fine for my second year of university but then the summer rolled around the past summer I took some courses cause school is what I enjoy doing but this time I wanted to enjoy summer hang out with friends, play baseball, go on dates with girls I met at school. I noticed quickly I wasn't having much fun and that without studying I really didn't have anything to work towards. I also started having disturbing dreams and would wake up in the middle of the night because of this. I thought about all of this for a while and decided if the only enjoyment I can find in life is something as boring as mathematics then why continue living. I stopped taking my pills about a month ago and recently got a new prescription from my doctor so I have a good 60 or so saved up. My birthday is coming up in a few days it would seem fitting to live exactly 20 years it's a nice round number."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9f7hv/life_just_isnt_all_that_interesting/

It is also sad but also great... it is sick but also good ... it is depressing but also a new beginning

"I am disgusting... but on the other hand I keep accusing the world of being disgusting... they are disgusting and nausious , foul and repellent but I am not ....what a fool. H. is such a fool. He is an idiot . He must be thrown off the cliff right now.... he deserves nothing but a slap in the face. That would hurt though, but I hate myself to such a degree. Lets say I don't appreciate pain. but I want to endmy life painlessly , something like a combination of three chemicals would be great , you just feel nothing but a sedative effect and then you cease to exist . Isn't that great. After the procedure it's all over and you don't have to suffer anymore . that is fantastic . It is also sad but also great... it sick but also good ... it is depressing but also a new beginning "

Source: http://monbijo.blogspot.com/

Well that day has come and I shall not live

"DEATH is the only way out..
Well I quit cutting, quit sniffing..But I guess that wasn't the problem..You see when a demon or the devil, or a negative force has it cut out for you to just live in misery from the start..there is nothing you can do..I often felt as if I wanted to go back home, but now things that are happening on this earth are kind of forcing me to go back to where I can from..Dust..(On a physical level.) somewhere else maybe on another..
My twinflame is just not cooperating..Why won't my other half cooperate? I don't know, but it has caused me great pain. A world of no pain is a perfect worl dindeed, and if it aint that I can't live here. I am going to give God a few days to kill me, if not I will pray for him to take me away miraculously, if that doesn't work, then I will kill my own self. There is no need to be stuck here with such "gifts" and connections. Being lied to constantly by my twinflame is not my forte. To be a twinflame to a man that will take you to the fiery pits of hell and back just to insult you is not what I wanted. It is nothing I can handle. I can not handle immaturity, I can not enjoy my youth because I've seen too much to waste on what the youth enjoys doing. I can not act my age, but only older and wiser. The only thing is I'm too sensitive to handle all of this, and I will be leaving this world this year.
I want to say this.: To all of you who TRULY cared about me, which I feel were few to none at all, Thank you. I appreciated it and I'msorry for leaving you behind. Apparently you are mor stronger than I am. I used to say "Shall this day come, I could not live or should not live"..Well that day has come and I shall not live. I knew something bad was going to happen to me soon, but I am glad I got it out of the way sooner than before, or I would have had to stay here for a very long time.
So farewell, I have no idea if you will ever see me again. I am a Christian, but one who has seen too much and one who has been thru enough. It has been enough now..So I must go.
Peace,
and love to all..
(ME)"

Source: http://overthecounterdrugs.blogspot.com/

I constantly think about the ease of suicide

"Please help me or give me some advice. My name is Sam and i think i might be depressed. The thing is i’m not sure. The people around me and the things they talk about make me believe that what i feel is shameful and that i am just attention seeking or am affected by hormones. By writing this i do feel like i am being an attention seeker. But i also want to make sure i know if i am depressed. From the beginning of 09 i started having feelings of restlessness and i felt i was unable to trust the people around me. I started feeling as if i didn’t have any friends and when i was at school i’d feel miserable at the end of the day because i felt i didn’t belong, that i was the “outsider.” So i began having days when i would wake up and feel really tired. At first i forced myself to school, but then i couldn’t (and my parents work in a situation where they leave home before i wake up and come home several hours after i am expected home from school). It was easy to spend days cooped up at home. I would sit at home and do nothing, i would sleep and eat and just be lazy. Well eventually i stopped having opportunities to stay at home. But i still feel left out and felt that i do not belong. During the school holidays i turn off my mobile and try to avoid contact with my friends. I think i cannot cope with the stress and workload of senior school and i find myself rushing my assignments all the time. It makes me feel worthless that i cannot handle this, when i know i have to face so much more in Uni. I can’t see a future for myself and some days i can’t see myself walking into tomorrow. It makes me feel worthless and guilty that i am wasting my parents resources because i revert to stress eating and i demand extracurricular things to better myself. But i constantly think about the ease of suicide. And i have addictions which i picked up to soothe myself. I smoke because i think that if i smoke enough i’ll drop dead, i harm myself, because the pain makes me feel good because it makes me feel alive and punishes me for my stupidity. But now i feel like an attention seeker for saying that. Please tell me that i am an attention seeker if i am or that its just puberty because i feel so miserable and tired and the only way i’m going to survive this is if i know these feelings will go away. I’m hoping they will because i feel i need to keep going in order not to shame my parents.

Samantha"

Source: http://www.youthbeyondblue.com/2009/07/27/some-feelings-of-mine/

I want to find someone that will understand me, and love me even though im a fuck up

"i am 26 years old, i have been living with my boyfriend who is 36. we have been together for 8 years, with 2 seperations. when we first met i was emotionally stable. then after i got pregnant 5 years into our relationship, i began to become visibly depressed, and emotional. i even ended up in the hospital and they kept me for 6 days ut didnt tale medications because i was pregnant. ever since then, 2005, my depression has been getting worse. he has never believed in the desease or in medicating any symptoms. but i eventually, against his wishes, i went to seek spychological help. i was given medications. but it was hard to keep taking them because my boyfriend kept telling me i could do it without them. so i eventualy stoped. and then when i had a breakdown, began cutting, and hitting myself, and became suicidal again, i went back to the doctor for medications. this time we did it together and i took the med right. but i became violent and a danger. so i stoped (geodon) and tried another medication, but then i could not sleep, and was anxious 24/7 (abilify), so i stoped that medication. i have been off of antidepressants for 5 months now... i am still depressed, i still cut myself, and i cant control myself.
and because of it, today my boyfriend said he cant deal with this anymore, and he cant live with a person like me. i know dealing with me and my illness is hard, i just thought he would still stick with me. he agreed that im a fuck up, and he deserves better. i just wanna be strong, and get myself back to work and keep my job.i want to find someone that will understand me, and love me even though im a fuck up.

i wish i could change things. sometimes i get so anxious, i start to shake and loose it, when i want to change something but i cant. i hate that i have no control."

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/7815646-cause-im-up

Slit wrist and veins full of alcohol and cocaine

"Whenever I see you, I want to kill you. But for thinking that, I want to kill myself. Why am I like this? I don't know. I wont be anything but a dead body before too long.

Slit wrist and veins full of alcohol and cocaine, I sit here miserable. I hate my actions, looks, and the way I treat people. I knew it was too good to be true. John was just another blockade for me to live longer then I was suppose to. He was practically my life, my oxygen... now that he has left me for Maria, I have no use to this world...I'm a terrible person taking up other peoples oxygen.

John kept me alive, and made me want to wake up every morning to see a blue sky. He got me away from Vodka, Marijuana, Cocaine, and self-harm. He don't understand how much he is to me, and I don't think he'll ever understand that. Although he should, he wont...

Mom, Dad, I love you with my whole heart and I know everything that you're about to go through will be hard. And I know you haven't known about any of this drug and self-abuse stuff. I'm sorry you have to find out about it through this letter, but this is how it has to be. I'm glad you hadn't known about any of this, because I wouldn't want you to worry about me. I love you guys more than anything living. You two where the biggest effects on my life. and I thank you for that.

Tonight, August 24, 2009, will be my death day. Goodbye.

Much love,
Becca."

Source: http://sumneraustin.blogspot.com/

I died 3 years ago, on a park bench on a warm summer's evening

"I died 3 years ago, on a park bench on a warm summer's evening.

On that evening I tried to commit suicide for the 6th time; this time I genuinely wished to die. I left a note. I took the pills. I woke up in hospital. That was the end of my life, and the beginning of my new life.

I'm 23 years old. I have suffered with depression for 10 years. I have tried to kill myself 6 times. And I have been admitted to a psychiatric hospital twice. It has been suggested (but not officially) by several psychiatrists that I have Borderline Personality Disorder; but I'm not sure that I need another label.

On the 29th September 2008 I became a student doctor. So while my classmates struggle with the complexities of the human body, I struggle with the dilema of whether to go back onto medication or not, or try to talk myself out of slicing open my arm with a kitchen knife.

While my classmates dicuss the "friend who decided not to apply to med school because she is mad", or gossip about the colleague searching despirately for a cure for her depression, I can't help but feel like a spy watching their conversation while contributing little for fear of exposing myself as the mole within the sane world. The only thing that stops me feeling like a mad version of James Bond is the overwhelming wave of anxiety that swiftly follows the beginning of such conversations; the fear of what would happen if they knew my dirty little secret. What would they think if they knew that sometimes I go home and cry myself to sleep for no reason, and *enjoy* the fact that I feel the emotion of sorrow? How would my teachers and future employers feel about me having more in common with the psychiatric patients than with my fellow doctors?

I somehow wonder if the answer is to pretend to be proud? Whether we should celebrate Mad Pride, with banners, flags and bunting; not only point out the elephant in the room, but cover it with fiary lights and launch fireworks off it's back. Yell from the rooftops that people with mental illness exist, and are in fact real people. They are teachers, doctors, police officers, shop assistants, bankers, truck drivers, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, lovers...

Yell from the rooftops that we aren't crazy."

Source: http://whydowesearch.blogspot.com/

I'm not scared

"Just thinking to myself


If I can think of 3 reasons why I should live.I wont kill myself tonight


And I cant even think of one.

I'm really considering it now.

I'm not scared or anything.
I just dont want to be found if I'm dead. "

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/sooo-close-right-now/14320069/

I'll just go chug some pills and liquor and die happily

"Fuck this.

*sigh* I don't know anymore. I don't know what the hell's going on with me. All I do these fucking days is think about killing myself and all this dramatic bullshit.

No one can stop me from thinking all this. Not Jewelia crying over it, not Sierra asking me not to do it and being so disappointed in me, nothing. I don't know why I'm so heartless now.

Mark was right. I do have "severe emotional issues". I do have a fucking "inner defense system".

Maybe that bitch read my emotions better than I could ever realize them myself.

*sigh* I don't know. It must be the typical stage in a teenage life where one just goes through all this personal drama and thoughts of dying. Is that it? I don't know. I want to, I feel like I can.

Perhaps I need some help.

Or not. Maybe I can just die and get it over with. Fuck all the broken hearts. I could destroy my father and Ruddy both. I could escape aging and working and such.

Am I just lazy, or am I afraid? I've always feared the future. Always. Maybe now it's just taking its toll on me.

My life isn't difficult. Not like Rowan's. Not like Katherine's has been. I haven't dealt with bullshit like Sadie has. I haven't had depression like Zachary. My parents have never beat me, insulted me, nothing. This is all shit that my own mind is forming. I have serious issues with authority. In the end, it all comes down to my problems with my parents being in control and my automatic rebellion towards that.

I don't know why, but I'm just SAD. Shouldn't there be a reason for everything?

I want to die because I don't want to deal with life, because I don't feel it's necessary to go through it at all. There's no need to create stress for myself with school and living on my own when I can just rid myself of it so easily.

"Suicide is selfish". Sadie told me that. Sierra mentioned it. A majority of people seem to think so.

The only reason I can see it as selfish is because of the bonds one makes with people. The bonds I've made with people. The people I've told that I'll always be there to listen to them, that I love them and care about them, that I appreciate them, that I grew close with. The family that raised me, though I could care less for them.

People don't want me to die because it'll hurt them. I don't know if Josh will care, I don't know how much Sadie will care, I don't know how much anyone will care at all. But it's probably safe to assume they'll all at least feel some sort of grief.

That's why. My friends (and family) don't want to be hurt and mortified at the loss of me.

But I'm willing to just throw them all away. I am selfish. Despite all these people telling me not to do it, despite knowing how much it will hurt them, how much it will tear them apart, I'm still willing to do it for my own benefit. All for me.

I've always put others before myself, the well being of my friends before my own, but maybe at the core I'm just really concerned about me and what I want. I don't know. Sometimes it's difficult to figure out who I am.

*sigh*
I can't do this to my brother.. can I? My little brother who seems to adore me, who talks about me so well, who, from what I've been told, completely looks up to me.

He has my eyes. My face. My hair. He looks so much like me.

I cried last night over the guilt of shattering his little heart.

However, I think I can be worried about myself enough to overcome that guilt and shove him aside. Same with my grandmother, who raised me and shaped my mind into the imaginative, colorful sanctuary it is. I can put her aside. I can put everyone aside. Sadie. Rowan. Katherine. Jewelia. Josh. Zara. Daysha. Monessa. Sierra.

Everyone.

:'/
I'm about to cry.

I really don't like myself lately. I'm an unappreciative little pest.

The hell with it all.

I'll just go chug some pills and liquor and die happily. ><

Wouldn't that just do me the biggest favor."

Source: http://rainboific.blogspot.com/

No one else would have to look at me or be burdened by the disgusting pulsing blob which is me

"I'm absolutely loosing my mind. Absolutely. Loosing. My. Fucking. Mind.

I really can't take it anymore. I can't take being fat. I can't take being so FUCKING ugly. I can't take it. I just can't.

I tried on 3 pairs of jeans, seven shirts, three pairs of shoes and even after all that felt like pulling my hair out. Everything I have makes me look fatter. Even the shirts that "flow" over my pudgy stomach. I have ugly broad shoulders and I look like a FUCKING freak. A. FUCKING. Freak.

I pretty much lost it. I ended up wearing a boring red shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans. Still hated it. Put on makeup. Hated it. I looked stupid. Always have, always will. Even makeup can't correct my fat, ugly, bad-featured face.

I can't even look good in the clothes I buy. What the hell is wrong with me? Why would God make me ugly and fat and disgusting while everyone else is skinny and beautiful and attractive and just fantastic? Unless he just wanted someone to torture and play with...then I'd fit the description.

Seriously. No guy is going to want to EVER go out with me. I don't blame them. I am so ugly most of them probably throw up in their mouths when they look at me. I should just starve myself. When I become an adult I'd give up ALL my college money and work money to pay for LipoSuction and Botox so I didn't look so disgusting. I'd take living on the streets if I was pretty. Then maybe a man will actually like me and want me. BUT NO!!

Personality doesn't matter. At all. Why do people keep telling me this? If it DID matter then I'd have a boyfriend. Which I don't. And probably never will have. I'm 15 with no boyfriend. 15!!!! I seriously have no chance of ever being happy.

So today I start my final "test". To see if I can not eat for days on end (or eat hardly anything) exercise like HELL and wear lots of makeup to make my face look better. Or maybe I'll just kill myself. Or take some pills and die in my sleep. That'd be nice. That way no one else would have to look at me or be burdened by the disgusting pulsing blob which is me."

Source: http://www.thoughts.com/Lonelycow/blog/help-me-im-loosing-my-mind-362090/

By the time you read this message, I'm hoping I'll be dead

"... By the time you read this message, I'm hoping I'll be dead... although given what a useless, worthless, pathetic fucking bitch I am, that's not very likely. At least I'm finally getting a suicide note done this time, which is a step up. I alienate everyone I meet with my poor social skills and inability to hold conversation. Making them hate me. Detest me. Become disgusted and annoyed with me. And then, everyone calls my depression "trolling for attention." So... if I can actually get my body to do what I want, I'm going to kill myself tonight. If not, I'll just be a useless, pathetic failure like I've been at everything else. School, college, friendship, romance, work... I can't do anything right, or make anyone happy."

Source: http://megmouse.livejournal.com/59776.html

I can't wait to leave this Earth, and take my family with me

"As if things in my irreversible life as an unemployed couldn't get worse, it did. This afternoon, my car rolled out of its parking spot to hit another car. My manager called to inform me of this shocking news. Like I don't have enough shit, I got some more! The manager said that a loud thud was heard. Fortunately, the other car suffered no damage at all.

I was sure the brake was pulled all the way up. I don't need this. But I get it because that's the way it is. Adding to my laptop's new hard drive crashing a few days ago, crashed beyond recovery. All of my important work-related files are gone. Because shit happens to me. It all kept coming after losing my job. Didn't matter that I filed a complaint against Richards Computers for willfully installing a used hard drive without my knowledge, all of my work is gone.

There's no point anymore. I'm made to be a disaster. So that when people look at me, they are proud and thankful they are not me. That's all I seem to be good for. And there's only more shit to come. There's been nothing but shit.

I can't wait to leave this Earth, and take my family with me. I'm also nervous at the thought, but I have to be courageous. To continue living and be shit on, while everyone else is better off. That's cowardly. Maybe the next shit will cost me lots of me, so that my departure will come sooner.

I really can't wait. It'll be shocking. At least I'll try to make it as shocking as possible.

Account Balance
Checking: $1,525.13
Money Market: $16,467.94
IRA: $22,817.03"

Source: http://www.soulcast.com/nekros/

I want someone that understands

"so today I'm feeling sick
mom is forcing food down my throat and threatening if i dont eat "I'm gonna send u to that place where crazy people go" words of my mom
this is dumb u cant force me to eat and to tell u the truth going to that place may help me better than my home
i cant keep the food down and the anti depressants are making me sick!
i hate it here i just want to leave
i seriously cant wait til school starts cuz then i wont have to be here
I'm not a part of the green club at the community center nemore
and i might not continue the hug a tree club at school
idk I'm just so lost
no one exactly is helping me
i want someone that understands
but no guy wants me
i went to a party last Saturday and got drunk and made out wit this really hot guy
then the next day he text me saying he was sorry for what happened and he really doesn't like me that way
sad huh? whatever
my friend koryne said that he said that he didn't like me that way because he said i looked sick
great stupid Ana cant even get me a date :(
i hate her but i cant leave her
its like I'm in love and stuck
same way wit the blade I'm stuck and no one can help :(
everyone says I'm different and they miss me but they wont help me they just leave me alone because they say i look sick and dont wanna b associated wit me wow
u probably think i may have low self esteem rite now
u bet ur ass i do
its so low it may as well be dead :(
i just want a real friend that can try to help me
its like i want help but i cant stop its so hard :(
i just wish people didn't feel sorry for me and just tried to help"

Source: http://www.thoughts.com/theatregeek/blog/tired-and-done-360688/

I don't really have any excuses for the way that I am

"Hi Reddit.

I'm sorry for the characteristics of my communication; but communication itself is a challenge to me now.

I have friends, a job, and hobbies. I'm not even really sure what to say. I don't really have any excuses for the way that I am; but I just want to crash so badly.

In the past it was always loud, and I could blame alcohol for that. It ended in the hospital where the outcome was all but guaranteed.

Now, however, I've learned to be quiet, to a point where I barely communicate it to my loving and supportive boyfriend.

I blame maturity for my self control. It’s so much easy to throw caution to the wind and take a dive; but my scars really are fading.

Sometimes I find my mind drifting back to my wild days; and as I recall those things that I have done and survived through (some incredibly traumatic event; all self-inflicted), and I am so heavily burdened that my vision and consciousness begins to tunnel out and fade. I believe it is the thousand-yard stare.

I think that might I might have PTSD from those days.. I can’t even think about how many times death has hung like the Sword of Damocles over my head without completely fading.

These days it doesn’t even take much stress to leave me practically catatonic on the floor; but the problem is that I am too functional to consistently display my symptoms.

Instead I just have a breakdown every handful of months; and though I am now less afraid of death, I find myself thinking about it constantly. It’s not that I long for it, although sometimes I do detest life; I’m just explicitly aware of my mortality and the implications that it carries.

All of the lines are blurring, Reddit; and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay on the road. - BnkAct"

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9b6oo/help_me_help_you_help_us_all_please_help_me/

I'm a worthless piece of shit

"I've been drunk alot this week. Somehow now, in my despair, I manage to come to the conclusion that it may have been an attempt to escape. Or it may not but rather just me feeling like getting drunk. However, I feel like I want to die.

When I say "I" I really mean "who I am now". I don't want to be the "me" I am at the moment, I don't want to be who I am right now. I don't want to feel like I do. And I don't even feel anything painful or entangling. I just feel like a worthless piece of shit.

I worked with Frida today and it went good. I got some good news from my boss that said he pretty much told the bitch that she will not work in the Bar at Bliss. Which relieves me, but also leaves me not feeling better. I just feel less anxious. I have been dreading the fact that me and Frida work together at the same bar. It's disturbing and makes it feel like a competition, specially since she doesn't know shit about being a bartender and hardly even of being a waiter (wich is what she does at the bar) but insists on trying to work at the bar.

I guess I've been afraid that she'll win the battle by fucking one of the bosses, but I know she's too classy for that, while at the same time preparing not to be surprised if it would occur.

I don't know why I feel worthless. Maybe it's because I don't have a girlfriend and I guess that kind of makes me a looser for not being able to get one. At the same time, I've turned some women down. So why do I feel like a looser?

Because I've gotten rejected so many times.

I'm not a player, I'm nothing. I'm a worthless piece of shit and wether that's true or not is unimportant, I feel that way no matter how hard I try not to.

Maybe I am worthless. I am in debt, I don't have a job, I can't get one and I can't seem to finish (or progress)on any of the projects I'm working on, which means I can't even write which I believe myself to be best at.

So overall I just feel like I suck and there's too many evidence to prove it for me to try to ignore it and feel like something as ordinary as a stand up guy...

I hate myself and I want to die."

Source: http://strangerspath.blogspot.com/

My presence is no longer required

"Hi all, i’m new. i’m feeling suicidal, having been on and off for some time. But for me it is a source of hope. I feel as if the universe is telling me that my presence is no longer required. I can’t find work, i’m running out of money, i have serious health problems and no insurance and i will probably lose my house. my great fear is that i will be forced to live in my car. i think if i was told today that i had terminal cancer i would kiss the doctor. it would be such a relief.

Planning my death gives focus to my life. I am slowly giving my things away, cleaning and fixing up the house. I keep job hunting, but I really don’t expect to find anything. if you can no longer support yourself, I think choosing to die is a rational thing — even responsible — thing to do."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/archives/2009/08/16/suicide-as-a-hopeful-thing/

I started cutting again

"Life is beginning to sink right beneath my feet. I found a new addiction; however i can not have it all the time. It is my brothers aniety pills. I need them to stay calm and happy and free of care. I have to find a way to sneak them. I am done with trying to find love, itjust isn't gonna happen with me. I started cutting again, I figured it was the only thing that I could resort to without the pill.

You can not help who you love, and who you are attracted to. My old man put the age label on it and he is just to busy for me. He doesn't understand he may need me more than anything, however that's the way life is.

I am getting scared of myself. I'm starting to have terrible thoughts. I'm starting to figure that I might OD accidentally from wanting to get rid of the emotional pain. I don't get this life, I don't get why God won't throw me a fair hand. I won't question, it just won't do me any good. I keep my innocence by watching childrens shows, yet I am an extremely mature person, and this is what makes me believe that spiritualists may be right....because I seem like a starseed or an indigo. An old soul, which is precisely the problem. Christians don't believe that, and that is where I get confused...

Anyways, today my grandmother introducced me to the fact that maybe I should go to job cors. I don't want to do that at all. It is not where my heart is at. Yet, I was thinking that maybe I should just to get back at some people, but then again id only be getting back at myself. I hate summer, nothing ever happens for me. When will i ever get my time? My turn to shine. I'm sick of living in this house, living poor with a racist father who won't allow me to do anything. This just makes me wanna die. Why god?

Why do things have to be this way? Why"

Source: http://overthecounterdrugs.blogspot.com/

I suck at the things I need to know to live

"WHY!!?? WHY IN THE HELL DOSEN'T ANYTHING I DO GO RIGHT FOR ME!? "JUST TRY YOUR BEST" WHAT A JOKE!

Why do i even go to that hell hole if ever single year is the same? All i'm doing there is just bringing myself down by how fucking stupid i am. I get even more upset when, at the time, i think i did my very best and then i get the results and they're all terrible.
I really would like to change! I WANT TO CHANGE! I WANT TO SHOW THAT I TOO CAN BE SMART AT THIS! My best friend even told me that "you're just better outside this stuff then other ppl"WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO IF I SUCK AT THE THINGS I NEED TO KNOW TO LIVE!? I want to be able to show ppl that i can take care of myself and not be a total failer! I want to be in a position that my mom and dad never where! But how can i!? How can i get better at this even though i study for more the three hours and still get no where....UGH!!DX
I seriouslly want to kill myself! If i did then it would all be over....i would never have to go through any hard stuff ever again....no matter how hard i try....It's like there's a huge wall and if i can't jump over it the world has no use for me.
I had dark thoughts like these but was always afriad.... I wont do it though....even though....i still wont. I'm better than that. It just....upsets me so god dam much that i can't get any where. And i know for a fact that this year is just going to be the same. I keep telling myself "don't let it ge to you. Take it slow. keep trying" but i just can't take my own advice....
It really sucks too you know.....living your whole life with two monkeys that are so imature and no mom to back you up or help you if you have a problem that guy's wouldn't understand.....i hate it... i really hate it....
Every thing is stressful.....Grades...family...seeing others being able to find someone special...not being noticed for who i am....feeling like no one under stands me...skin issues.... I am truly thankful for what i have. I am. Yet at the same time it feels like.....nothing will ever go right. No matter how much i try.. "My good is never good enough"

ONe of these day's...i do think i will pull the trigger. I remember doing a future reading onece with my friends and it said that i was to die before any of them...and with all that had happend and what's to come....maybe it's right. I don't know what to do with my life...i don't believe i have anything going for me, why should i struggle?

I really envy everybody. Wether they can try and make it over the wall. Wether they have found someone. Wether they look so amazing. I envy that. they have found something or someone to lean on. I've alway's tried to hold my head up high and keep going but i'm getting tired of everything i do....isn't making any difference.

I want to change. I'll try"

Source: http://sor-en13.livejournal.com/1582.html

A mental spiral of destructive thoughts

"Hiyas!

First off - I'm not always suicidal, I was lucky enough to get a life situation, and the right kinds of chemicals from my docs and friends to sort that out.

My back story:

One last remaining issue I have in my life regarding suicide is financial. My parents before they split when I was 11 had some right screaming matches, and the odd physical infraction over money. It made an impression on me, and ever since I've always been in the plus financially.

That was until I met my girlfriend, changed genders and got thrown out of the house on our own. We lived off the credit cards we both had, while I was looking for work. My partner at the time was in a worse state than I was, so I was looking after her. We got into a lot of debt while I was job hunting.

Today, I earn enough to help us just about get by - we self medicate with stuff from the internet, which we can't declare to the debt management company we're with - so it can get realllllly tight. My partners in uni, the last 3 weeks - then she's out into the biggest recession for a long time. I'm taking it for granted she's going to be out of work for a long time (realistically).

Recently - bank charges and some repairs took us to £0 (i'm from the UK), that's including pay-day loans, overdraughts, and savings.

I couldn't afford to get to work, and had to take 3 days off holiday at minus 3 hours notice (my boss is AWESOME!) - as I only found out we had no money when I tried to buy my train ticket.

So, during that time - my anxiety was INCREDIBLE... it consumed me, my hands and feet were permanently cold, I felt powerless, my head kept circling around the plughole thought of "It's been like this since I was 11! It's never going to change, my whole life is fucked up, here I am again with no money to eat. What the hell is the point of another 30 years of this stupid shit." I went into cycles of sobbing and crying - 1 hour on, 2 hours off - the whole Hollywood snotty dramatised version.

My partner and I are in a poly relationship - and neither of us have any living relatives we know, my friends are words on the screen of my computer - mostly due to the cost of visiting them, that and the "Meh" I have. (My emotional depressions gone, but the lack of motivations very much here still.) It means the usual good ideas for oneself: "Think of my family! They love me! What about my partner, she'll be on her own! My friends will miss me!" - um, basically don't count as they would in other situations.

I've also got resources for suicide - such as chemicals(not mentioning what they are on this forum!) from the net that put me in a coma for 4 days a few years ago in my past. They were... painless. I keep them as a last-resort - they make me feel more secure, and in control so I'm not throwing them out.

We've been lucky this time - we've got a payday loan from another company at 2500% for £200 - at the month's end we have to pay back £250... being poor is expensive!

So - that's the back-story, now my situation:

I have this BIG problem. I know what it is: I get into financial problems and I break up mentally. My partner handles all our bills - I freeze up on the phone talking to debt agencies, or the bank.

I get into a mental spiral of destructive thoughts, horrible emotional states, panic, stress, anxiety. I want to self harm (not for about 2 years - but damn the scars I've got are big and embarrassing), and when it gets bad enough my thoughts turn to a way out. Because it's painless, it's easy to go through with.

We both think CBT would help me, but I'm REALLY insecure about my job. ANY reason to miss work makes me panic - I think it's linked into my problems with finances.

I'd love to get CBT or whatever I may need (ECT? lol), but doctors appointments are during work hours (WTF!? Why!?), and so would be the treatment. I don't drive so I'd need to commute to wherever it's located - meaning at least half a day off work each session.

I've managed without it till now. I'm 32 now, and I've survived this kind of mental situation a few times in the past, but I need to get out of the nearly always invisible whole I'm in - and the one way I know out of it, I can't for the very same reason I'm seeking treatment!

Does anyone anywhere have some magic solution to this catch 22 situation? Help!"

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9awb1/sometimes_suicidal_need_help_getting_a_cure_uk/

So I cry and cry and cry

"I have been both afraid to write and too unwell to do much of anything. I want my blog to show how I keep trying, but I am having trouble with that right now. A therapy appointment a week and medications that do not work are not enough to support me. I am really struggling to continue.

Why is it with physical pain they give people in excruciating pain some type of pain relieving medications? Yet when a person is in intense psychic/mental pain there is nothing that can at least numb that pain until the medications work? In fact for me, it seems, nothing will ever work.

Do you know how many years of my life have been spent in Major Depression? I wasn't diagnosed before, but I figure it works out to close to twenty years altogether. That is almost half my life.

The irony is that until this MDE of 8 years and the 4 years prior, I saw myself as a pretty happy person, except during the periods of depression: Happy go lucky, funny, charming, loved life, a bit wild, creative, outdoorsy, ntelligent, flirtatious, well read etc..

I am no longer happy go lucky. If my mood switches upwards I spend all my energy trying to maintain that mood. I don't have time for happy go lucky. I am fighting a brutally difficult and deadly battle now.

I don't want to keep trying. I am worn out. I am so exhausted by all my trying and failing. I am so sick of using every ounce of my energy to complete the smallest of tasks. So often I find myself unable to muster the mood, motivation and momentum to even do those.

I am not talking about tasks like getting back to work . I mean things like doing my dishes, my laundry, cleaning my bathtub, cooking food or eating better than Cheetos and peanut butter oatmeal cookies, even walking my dog sluggishly around the neighbourhood, or visiting friends who I truly love. For years these have been intensely difficult tasks for me.

These past few weeks I have been even more intensely depressed than my usual. I do not know what to do. I think of suicide, and plan how I am going to go, much of my waking hours. I have written my goodbye to my sisters, I feel so depressed that I feel sick to my stomach. My body aches. I feel like I can barely move. I have been sleeping, or trying to sleep much of the afternoon. The rest of the time I sit in my chair and stare at the wall. I am completely unmotivated, so fatigued that getting up to walk the dog takes me forever, just to get out of the chair, I sit in my p.j's all day. I am even too tired to put my suicide plans into action. It is possible to be to depressed to kill oneself.

...so I cry and cry and cry. I feel so alone. I feel hopeless and exhausted.

I am afraid to really tell people in my life how depressed I am. I am afraid of them leaving me because I am too difficult to be around. I feel like life is impossible to continue. I feel it is not worth continuing. I have tried so many things and still here I sit severely depressed faced with the rest of my life continuing like this.

Please there must be something to stop this pain. How the hell do I keep trying when nothing works?"

Source: http://vicarioustherapy.blogspot.com/

Goodbye

"Mom - Maybe one day you will grow up and realize you have to take care of yourself and your kids. Living off of unemployment is not acceptable. Everyone else grew up and faced the world, and it's past time you do the same. I'm sorry that I'm such a bad son and do nothing to help you (except work to earn money while you sit on your ass).

Dad - I hope you enjoy your wealth while mom and I are struggling to keep a roof over our heads. I hope that maybe, just maybe, you yourself will be in our situation one day and be scoffed at just like us. I hope that if you have any more children, you will let them make their own choices and not try to mold them into the asshole you are. I hope you are happy with your decision to not help me out at all with college, yet pay for all of your idiot step-daughter's college. I hope you are happy knowing that your son will never amount to anything and will not make anything of himself because he can't get on his feet alone. Also, you claim to be a hardcore Christian, yet you don't think about anyone but yourself. I hope you can stop being a baby one of these days. I hope you will learn to stop being a hypocrite.

Sarah - I hate you. I really do. I told you I wanted you to be happy, but that was a lie. It's just not fair. It's not fair that I was in love with you for four years - and I do mean "love" as in thinking of no one else and wanting only to be with you, not "loving" your asshole boyfriend a month after meeting him. I mean the love that takes years to grow and develop, and is the strongest emotion in the world. It's not fair that after four years, when you finally realized we should date, you cheated on me within a month and left your "best friend" in the dust. It's not fair how I gave you my all for all those years and was there for you no matter what, that you could turn on me without so much as a backwards glance. It's just not fair how I still love you.

Ashley - I'm sorry. Sure we kissed when I was drunk, and I wanted to like you. I really did. I'm sorry that I pretended to be interested in you and promised you all those things, only for you to find out the truth and be crushed. I'm sorry that I used you to try to get my mind off of Sarah. I'm sorry that I can't move on even after 9 months. I'm sorry you can't ever find the right guy, even though you thought you finally had.

Sam and Chris - I can't believe I was so foolish as to put up with your shit for so long. Sure you guys are my "best friends", but only when no one popular is around. I can't believe I let you guys talk down to me and act like you're so much better than me for the past three years. I never truly felt accepted, and I guess I never was. I can't believe I let you guys use me all those times, and never help me when I needed it the most. I can't believe I thought you were my friends.

God, if there even is one - Why is it that you let your most devoted followers lead a life of hell? Why is it that when I needed you most, you had forsaken me and my life went downhill fast? Why is it that though you claim to be a "loving God", millions of people are starving or tortured or heartbroken or anything else disastrous? Why is it that our prayers affect other people? If someone is dying and our prayers help them, does that mean you would have just let them die unless someone pleaded with you not to? Why is there so much evil in the world, when you could supposedly stop it all with a snap of your finger? Why do bad things happen to good people, yet evil people lead a happy, prosperous life? What will happen to me now...?

By the time they see these, I'll be out of their hair. I tried to figure out life for nineteen years, and it just never happened. I just can't deal with anything else. Goodbye."

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/72364-my-suicide-note.html

I would rather die than to continue living with you in sin and transgression

"I'm a sinner.

I don't realize just how wrong I really am in choosing the sort of life that I live now. I do what I want and yet I am still unhappy, or rather, sinful. Anything that makes one unhappy I believe is sin. So the more unhappy you are, the more sin you are committing. But what if a loved one dies and you become unhappy, does that mean you are a sinner? Perhaps not. But maybe it's better not to be so unhappy at their departure from this world.

Maybe the goal is to see your past loves ones in the people who are living right now. Do not dwell on their death as the end of the world, but as a beginning of new life in the people who are alive in the world now. Because when the disciples of Jesus came to look for him in the tomb, there were two dressed in white asking, "why do you search for the living among the dead?" So even though my auntie Myrna is not with us, she is lives in the living.

The human named Steven, is just one human out of the family of humanity in the world. Love God with all your might, soul, and strength. Then love your neighbor as you love yourself. So if I kill myself, that shows the sort of love that I have for my neighbor. I would rather die than to continue living with you in sin and transgression. I love you by killing myself? How is killing myself loving my neighbor? I am hating myself hoping I may find it.

If I lose my life for the sake of Jesus, I will find it. How much longer will you wait God before passing judgment on me? Am I already judged? Is it all already over as it is? When will enough be enough? I get so full of distress when thinking about your will for me. I'm desperate and yet I am not 100% committed to you. Am I really a worthy sacrifice for your covenant here on earth? If I kill myself, will I be doing the entire world a profound good?

Is killing myself losing my life for the sake of Jesus? How is killing myself loving the Lord my God with all my heart, strength, and soul? I am denying myself from the good life I have been given and accepting death as the alternative for the glory of God. Am I loving my parents more than God by continuing to exist in the world? But I feel as if I don't have the strength to go on with it, to kill myself. I hope eventually I will stop wanting items."

Source: http://stevisd0h.livejournal.com/

There's only so much I can take

"I'm sixteen. I've been depressed and suicidal for about two years now. Apparently I have something wrong with me. I have my moments when I'm pretty awkward. I think it has something to do with my ocd. Not only the kids in school, but also my parents make fun or talk about my weirdness behind my back. I don't mean to act awkward it just happens. I'd do anything to be normal and have friends.

I don't know why no one wants to be my friend, or even have any kind of relations to me. I dress nice, I have nice shoes, and I clean up pretty well. But I guess that doesn't matter. As long as you don't have nice long hair, do drugs, or get fucked up you wont be liked.

I hate my parents and my parents hate me. I know they are embarrassed of me because they've said it many times. My dad curses at me, beats me, and destroys my things. My mom thinks I deserve what I get. I blame my parents for how messed up I am.

I want to kill myself but at the same time I don't because I'm a Christian. The Bible basically says that if we take our own life we'll be denied from the kingdom of Heaven or something. So that is why I wish someone other than myself could take my life. I've asked God many times to just take my life/kill me... but as you can see I'm still alive.

Nothing has been getting better for me. I'll probably kill myself by the middle of next year reguardless of being a Christian. There's only so much I can take between problems with my parents, problems at school, my own problems; mood swings ect."

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/would-someone-kill-me-please---/

I can’t go on living this apathetic half-life where nothing ever changes

"I’m 26 years old, smart, interesting, beautiful, and lately every guy I go out with falls in love with me. Even my ex-boyfriend leaves love letters and roses on my doorstep more days than not. I get exercise, and sunshine. I have a nice apartment and some decent friends. I was accepted recently to a presitigious graduate school. Yesterday I was supposed to meet with my advisor and choose my fall classes and then head back out to the woods where I am teaching at a wilderness survival summer camp for teenage boys and girls, but I found myself unable to enter the building. Wracked with indecision, I walked around the campus and sat on a bench then went back and and then sat in the car and cried, and then finally I decided to go inside, a few minutes late. I stifled my tears and asked where the office was, but then I couldn’t bring myself to go there.

I got in the car and drove back home. Then with much hesitation I drove all the way back to the school and found the Student Counseling office. I walked up to the door then turned around. I took a deep breath and walked back in. I asked if there was anyone I could see immediately. They said they were closed after July until the beginning of the new school year, and even so they wouldn’t have been able to talk to me if I wasn’t a summer student. They gave me a piece of paper with the name of some emergency clinics on it. I chose one not too far from my house and again drove there and walked in with much hesitation and trepidation. From eveything I’ve heard and read it seems that if I were sent to a psych ward the unhealthy atmosphere, shitty foods, and the drugs would leave me even crazier than before. I saw a counselor and a psychiatrist and they prescribed me prozac and sent me away since I said I didn’t really want to kill myself but I just felt fed up and didn’t know what else to do. Now I am at home hiding out. I haven’t taken prozac before but I have taken paxil, zoloft, and lexapro and none of them seemed to have much good effect, maybe like 5% good, but mostly just bad side effects. Lexapro was the worst because it seemed to leave me with persistent numbness in my clitoris that has not gone away even though it has been 4 years since I stopped taking it. I have read other accounts of this from antidepressants on the internet. I can orgasm but it is more difficult.

I’ve been depressed for 8 years, never a day of happiness. Well there was one moment where I went to the dentist and for some reason was quite relieved I did not have a cavity. That was the only moment I recall in all these years of feeling joyously unburdened. I cannot recall any specific traumas or abuses in early life but I have a long history of anxiety. I did not speak to anyone other than my parents, sister, and two friends until age 13. At age 18 I came down chronic back pain practically overnight due to the stress of school and my distress over our treatment of the environment since I was studing environmental science. After that my health continued to spiral downward and I suffer from fatigue, chronic infections, stomach problems, sexual dysfunction and the like. I can’t shake the feeling that the fearful me that I think I am, that everyone knows, is just an accident, is not who I REALLY am and that I’m destined for much greater things.

I didn’t start out hopeless or suicidal. I have an open mind and (once had) a good deal of ambition. It is more like the hopelessness has been slowly drilled into my after years of trying and failing to recover my health and sanity. I have tried it all: western meds, naturopathic meds, psychotherapy, psychics, prayer, chiropractic, acupuncture, massage, energy medicine, shamanism, fasting and diets, yoga and meditation, positive thinking, not thinking (trying to remain in the present). I have no health insurance and approximately $15,000 in credit card debt from all this, and from not really being able to hold down a regular job. Lately I’ve tuned to the sex industry for money because it is quick and easy and pays well. I take full responsibility for this decision, I’m not saying I was forced into it, but my poor mental health is definitely part of the picture.

I’m very angry at all the money I have spent. I wish you didn’t have to pay people unless they helped, but only one person out of the dozens I’ve seen over the years has refused my payment. Others have actually tried to insist that I seem better or look better even when I insist I don’t feel it! A couple of people have helped me for free, but I find they are a lot less likely to continue to return phone calls and emails when they have paying clients to take care of. I feel like I’ve often been ignored. People have insulted me, insinuated that I wasn’t trying hard enough, or that I didn’t really want to get better. I asked my doctor about possible residential treatment programs for depression and he never got back to me. I’ve emailed lists of friends and aquaintances before asking for help, company, food, anything, when I was really devestated and desperate and no one really responded. Too busy with their own shit or maybe I made them a little too uncomfortable. It was very discouraging. I’m waiting to hear back from a woman right now who was supposed to get in touch with me weeks ago. I’ve contacted her twice and still nothing. People suck.

I kind of have a business as an herbalist and I am enrolled in a counseling psychology masters program. I’d like to do good in the world and help others in my position, but I have no real ambition confidence or motivation to help others when I can’t help myself, hence the porn career.

What brought me over the edge yesterday was watching the documentary “The Bridge” about the golden gate bridge suicides. I sobbed the whole time I was watching it because I emphasized so heavily with the subjects. For the most part it was well-known by their friends and family that they were suffering and still it seemed there was nothing anyone could really do. That’s the way I feel. I may not be in a psych ward but plenty of people know about my trials and even the professionals seem befuddled by my lack or resistance to treatment. So they refer me to someone else, which feels like I’m being given up on. Or they say things like “you know not all acupuncturists (chiropractors, doctors, etc.) are the same, have you tried _____. He’s really great?”

Fuck you.

I’m at the point now where I am not willing to try very many new things anymore, even if they are free, because it is too frustrating, each time you take a chance and reach out and someone fails to help it gets a teensy bit more depressing. It’s kind of like being slapped on the wrist. Each time I complete another tear-stained session with a therapist I am left so drained and exhausted I can’t really do anything for the rest or the day. I feel like I should be the one getting paid!

Well now I don’t know what to do. I’m not so incapacitated that I couldn’t go back to work, or get out and do something if I wanted to, its actually boring here and hurts my back unbearably to stay in bed all day, but at the same time I can’t go on living this apathetic half-life where nothing ever changes. I think true hell is this limbo of mostly wanting to die but having some little thread, a glimmer of hope or a sense of obligation to friends and family that is keeping you alive so you keep on living day after day in total misery.

My 27th birthday is coming up. Each year on that day I think as the day approcahes, that there is no way I can stand another year of this. People have promised me I’ll feel better someday but I don’t. Obivously I have my doubts about the prozac after taking the other stuff. I’m running out of options but before I off myself I’m thinking of at least hunting down some ibogaine. It is an illegal drug in the US from an african root traditionally used for religious initinations that often miraculously cures heroin and other drug addictions and also can be used to treat depression, anxiety, and biopolar disorder. You can see testimonials on You Tube. There are clinics in Mexico and Vancouver BC, and other countries where it is legal but it is very costly, 3000-4000 dollars. I just don’t see any way of saving up that kind of money in my current state, so I will look for it underground in the city I live in and although that is not preferable to a clinical setting, I might be able to afford it."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/archives/2009/08/06/this-one-goes-out-to-those-who-have-tried-everything/

I’m trying to get out of the crowd but people keep pushing me

"I may sound conceited but I feel like everyone else in this world is fucking retarded. There are so many things I just don’t understand about people. Why would you believe in religion? It’s just something people made up to explain everything. Why can’t people just say I don’t know? I don’t understand why people want to wear nice clothing, do their hair, all that stupid extraneous stuff. My parents keep trying to convince me that if I don’t have money, I’ll be miserable. Half the students in my school are all selfish people who just want to look good in front of others by getting g/bfs. The other half just want to have sex with as many people as possible. That wouldn’t be so bad because it’s a natural human instinct, but they do it so selfishly alienating everyone else around them.

I am 17 years old about to go to college and my life seems like it would be good, and it should be making me happy. But the thing is, it’s not. I have absolutely no love for my parents or friends. I want someone to talk to, but I don’t want to talk to just anyone. I want to talk to someone who thinks like me, because I’ve never seen a single person who says the things I say. I play video games and watch anime all day locked up in my room just eating junk food and sodas. Everyone keeps saying I’m just obsessed, but in reality, it’s just the fact that nothing else interests me. Everything is boring, and on the internet, you’re completely anonymous and you meet so many interesting people. People in real life hide everything and just do things to impress others. I’m not interested in girls either. It would be nice to have sex and all, but in the end it doesn’t matter to me.

But the reason I’m writing this is because I feel like I want to die. I feel like I’m in a crowded hallway. Everyone’s rushing to one side full of fake shiny things and I’m trying to get out of the crowd but people keep pushing me towards the shiny things. My parents keep telling me that I have to go to a good college and get a nice house and a nice car, or I’ll regret it. I don’t care about that stuff though. My friends keep telling me to do some drugs and get some girls, but I don’t care about that stuff. It’s all fake.

If you want to contact me and have a similar opinion as me, my email is thisemailisfake249@gmail.com . I have a fake email because I have a very rational fear that people will find my personal information from my real email address and send me to a psychologist or a hospital."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/archives/2009/08/08/i-may-sound-conceited/

Every time I close my eyes

"So, I haven't been around because I've been doing pretty good in terms of my SA. I've been getting along with my co-workers, I've gone out with friends, been to parties, and I haven't been that lonely. I thought I was as close as we could get to being cured!

But then it all started to go downhill. I got in a lot of s*** at work to the point where I'm thinking terrible thoughts all the time. I called the distress centre in my city because I was thinking terrible thoughts about life and death. My heart hurts because of this incident, and every time I close my eyes I re-live the experience all over again.

But the worst is not the fact that I'm in trouble at work. The worst thing is that tomorrow is my birthday, and I have no one to spend it with. I'm going to be all alone on my birthday.
My life sucks. I am so depressed."

Source: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/all-alone-and-depressed-69357/

I would rather die than gain weight

"I feel like Im going to die from my "Bulimarexia" and I dont have the will / strength to stop.... I want to archive inspiration or sites to scare myself into recovery. I want to recover, but I cant.... I would rather die then gain weight. Ive lost all my friends and most of my family to this- FYI- this is NOT a thin-spiration blog.

What is the easiest most painless realistic way to kill yourself"

Source: http://bulimiasuicide.blogspot.com/

I need to hear people respond

"I am going through a really tough time. I keep --- I keep feeling like I shouldn't be going here (my memories) --- but I also feel like I must. Memories of definite abuse ARE coming to the surface. Not yet sexual abuse ----- but I know its there. I also know I am still unprepared to deal with those memories. One --- especially disturbs me -- and I need to share it. I need to hear people respond, and talk about it. I need that. Please do not be afraid of giving me bad advice, or thinking "I have little to contribute." -- ANYTHING which seems really obvious to you, or which seems already covered --- please contribute.

I just remembered this, and so I came here to make this post.

I was about 12 years old and I was in the living room with my dad. He was doing something and I do not know what. But what I do remember, is what I was doing, and what happened next. I can see myself clearly, and I cannot see him - except for afterwards. This is hard to talk about .

I was praying. I am no longer religious like I was as a kid. I was praying, to God, in front of my dad, for him to stop what he was doing. I was crying profusely. I was praying as though my dad wasn't even there, and he could hear, and I was beside myself with pain. I remember some of it. I was asking God to make my dad stop whatever it was he was doing. It was as though I was in a surreal environment where my dad didn't exist, and only I existed with my prayer.

I remember that as I was doing this, my dad started crying, and told me he was sorry, and started holding me and appeared genuinely remorseful for whatever was going on. I remember not wanting him to hold me, I remember wanting to disappear.

In remembering this memory, any doubt that I was abused as a child has gone out the window. I know now my dad abused me. I do not know to what extent, but I know as sure as the sky is blue that there is no way on earth I would have been that distraught, so as to pray to God in front of my dad in his presence for him to stop --- had something REALLY bad not been going on.

Thank you for listening."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/98p47/i_really_need_help_again_please_respond/

I have a plan

"I will find you in the crowded room. I will knock you off your feet. I will burn you just like teenage love. I will eat you just like meat. I will break you into pieces. Hold you up for all the world to see..."

I love that verse! I just have so much anger lately, that verse just sums it all up. I have no reason to be angry, but I am just filled with rage. I'm not sure why, I think much of it has to do with my anxiety.

Anyway, tomorrow my good friend Mandy is coming up from Milwaukee to stay with us for the weekend. I'm very excited, but also very nervous. I'm afraid I will have a breakdown or something while she is here and I don't want her to see it.. I guess I will just have to be very strong. Also this weekend are the Dragon Boat Races. I'm looking forward to that, I think. Yesterday I told Sal I didn't want to row anymore, but today I'm pretty excited about it. I guess we will have to see how I feel that day. Another thing is that the races mean insane amounts of drinking. I guess we are going for Bloody Marys at like 6 or 7am and then the rest of the day is beer, beer, and more beer until about 2:30am the next morning.. I know its not the best idea,. but I can't wait. Like I said I'm going to live my last few days like I want...

So I'm back on the meds. i had told Sal's sister, who is a Dr., that I stopped taking my meds and she kind of freaked out, so I'm taking them again. I guess I don't see why I should take them if they aren't working, but whatever.

So I have a plan... I have a date... I have a time... I have the supplies... I have the will... It will be done."

Source: http://www.thoughts.com/girl_in_limbo/blog/080609-353256/

I cry because I am heart broken

"I have been cutting since I lost my brother jeremiah at age nine...now i have lost my granny and i dont want to live anymore...I don't cut to get attention I cut because the sight of my own blood and the pain evens out the pain in my heart. I have been hospitalized three times in the past two months because I dont cut deep enough...I am always depressed I barley eat and never sleep...there is no more reason for me to be here...Everytime I cut I feel okay...it makes me forget about where I am because I go to a place like no other...I can't describe it because I dont feel nothing while im there its just me sitting there alone in the dark...I cry because I am heart broken...It is hard for me to fake a smile while im at school and I am always wearing long sleeve shirts so people can't see my scars!One of these days I am going to cut deep enough and never wake up again..."

Source: http://www.soulcast.com/post/show/242188/bye-bye-me