For real this time

"record this moment as lowest of lows. really sick with some sort of flu thing, stayed home from school today...er college. and me and my boyfriend were discussing something important and now hes ignoring both me and the discussion we had previously. i think i am so depressed right now id kill myself. for real this time."

Source: http://tenwilgetufive.livejournal.com/

I plan on shutting these voices for good...M1A1 a true friend

"amist all the shit...I finally got the blogspot to work on the pda. yeah, but not really. whoopity fucking doo. I hate this technological crap. help me I can't see the network drive, my computer crashed again, my calls aren't being forwarded to me cell phone. Oh my God really? you think that people using a computer every day would have a little common sense. oh well... I guess I need a job. I think I am going to go and try to enlist again. Maybe Scott can pull some strings. I got the official college credit sheet now.

we will see...looking forward to this weekend. one way or another this shit life is going to end. and I don't believe it is going to pretty.

actually. sometimes I want 2 burn on the outside as much as the empty burns from lonileness fuel on the inside. this empty eating eating driving my dreams of things I can't yet have. I yearn for the touch of one that may never come. the desicrated sooul I have become from the blackest hate I receive. the mis leading hypocracy games played by the ones they say they love me...games played out of love is useless..the voices in my head screaming the hatefull words and jugement you have done. I plan on shutting these voices for good...M1A1 a true friend. I believe I will take a vacation to either alaska or antartica. they are no human enemies at negative 50 degrees. soooo.... "

Source: http://td3scott.blogspot.com/

I don't even give a fuck anymore. Just kill me now.

"ended up in hospital last week. soooo disappointed in not succeeding this time. i thought for sure it would work.
it's been up and down since then, almost manic-depressive. i'm probably misdiagnosed.
i don't even give a fuck anymore. just kill me now."

Source: http://depressedless.blogspot.com/

I chose post-Easter because I didn't want to ruin any major holidays

"I will kill myself.
I know my family will hurt, but the other people I know will move on and be okay.My friends will forget about me.And things will be normal again, I hope.

The thought of hurting my family, and the cost of my funeral, is the main reason I haven't offed myself already.

I know I'm selfish, but...I just can't be here anymore.

I chose post-Easter because I didn't want to ruin any major holidays."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/after-easter-2010/14328615/

I just want to permanently lose consciousness

"I'm bipolar and I've been getting more and more depressed recently. My therapist (who I really like) wants to end sessions because I'm not really making any progress.

There's a girl I had a really good relationship with for a while who now wants to "just be friends" but still wants me to sleep with her, just not have any real relationship. I'm terrified of rejection so I can't bring myself to meet anyone new. I really need people though so I still do stuff with her even though I feel terrible about wasting my time with something that can't go anywhere.

I've spent most of this past week trying to stay asleep just so I won't think about things. After going a fair amount of time without cutting myself last week I started again and I did a lot today. I've been taking over the counter sleeping pills just to keep reality at bay (I know how insanely stupid that is). I'll go a day or so without eating because I just feel sick to my stomach all the time. I spend a lot of time fantasizing about being dead and know exactly how I should do it. The only reason I have for not just killing myself is what it would do to my sister. I love her more than anything but I hate my life. I have to stick around just so I don't disappoint her. All I want anymore is to have a few close relationships with other people but I'm too afraid of them hating me to even talk to them.

I just want to permanently lose consciousness so I won't have to deal with all the stuff I'm so scared of. I don't have any personal reason to stay alive anymore.

I've posted here way too much so mods feel free to delete this."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a882w/i_just_want_to_quit/

I’ve lost any hope of living a happy life

"I’m depressed. I don’t see any point in life anymore. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and yet I still can’t sleep at night. Whenever I do get a few hours sleep my dreams are always strange and unsettling, which leave me worried and anxious. I never feel happy. Nomatter how I try and distract myself with things such as voluntary work, guitar, studying, my friends, I still feel so depressed and most of the time I loathe myself. I loathe everything about me. From the way I look, to all the things I have failed at, to everything I’ve ever done that has hurt someone. I hate the things I think. It’s not normal to want to kill yourself every hour of every day. I know that.

I know that it’s treatable, but in my family theres not one person who’s been totally cured of their mental illness. My father has been on antidepressants for years now, my Granda has suffered from chronic depression and S.A.D. My Grandas sister was bipolar, and a poorly controlled one at that. I’ve had two suicides in my far out family circle and yet no one has ever been cured. I mean, looking at my family history doesnt leave me with much hope. While it’s true that medicine may come up with a proper cure for depression someday, I’m not sure if I’ll be around to see that day.

I know that suicides not the answer. It’s a permanent end to a temporary problem. But my temporary problem seems to have been with me all my life. I attempted suicide for the first time when I was 13/14 I can’t remember my actual age. But as far back as when I was 9 and 10, I might have been playing or having fun, but I would feel sad. For no reason. My clearest memory of that is when I was on a school trip in primary school, I might have been 9 or 10 at the time and we went to a swimming pool/adventure place. I remember me standing in the water, with all my friends, and really feeling sad. And I still don’t know why. It was like a heartbreaking sadness, like one that makes you tear up and want to cry.

Ever since I was a little kid I’ve loved books, I love immersing myself in another world, in another person’s life for a few hours. I try and escape from the drudgeries of this life by reading fantasy novels, daydreaming about things and generally tuning the world out. When I was in primary school I was bullied because of my love of books and the way I never used to be involved in any of the fun or badness the other children were up to. Because I was different in this way, I got picked on for two years, in p4 and p5, where I would have been 7 or 8years old. Even now I’d nearly rather read a good book than go out and get wasted in some nightclub somewhere.

Because of the bullying, I had very few, if any friends for two years. Even now I find it hard to read people. I don’t know when someone is angry at me or just tired. Whether they’re laughing at me or with me. And as I’m so paranoid, I usually end up taking things the wrong way and starting an argument. Nowadays I have a few pretty good friends. I have a large enough social circle-people I’d chat to, but wouldn’t count as friends I could talk to about anything meaningful.

I don’t know. I feel so sad and depressed all the time. It’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. Somedays I have been doing something like ironing or studying, and I just feel so sore both inside my head, my heart and my chest. And then I can’t stop crying. It feels like I’ve actually slowed down, both mentally and physically. Even my parents have noticed, sayin how I’m so slow doing things etc.

I get really angry too. At myself mostly, which then is deflected into anger towards people around me, mostly my family. It makes me feel guilty that I get so angry with them for stupid things, when I know that it’s really my problem, not theirs. I’m starting to lose hope. I’ve lost any hope of living a happy life. I can’t even remember the last time I was really happy to be honest. I can’t see myself having any sort of a future, in anything. I’m only 19, and yet for the last 9 or 10 years of my life, I have wanted to be dead. My family would be better off without me, my friends wouldn’t really notice me gone anyway, apart from a couple, and I don’t contribute anything to anyone at all anyway.

I’m depressed

Midge"

Source: http://anotherteenagemisfit.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/no-title/

I have a really good feeling about dying now

"I walked in the rain today, I always thought I would die on a sunny day, not hot, just sunny… the first warm day in spring yeah, I feel like I’m choking, I felt a lot this way lately, I was just too numb today and yesterday like my mind is washed out and there’s only one idea that keeps buzzing my mind, I can’t even breath well lol, I didn’t have a good day in a long time, I’m cracking my head trying to remember when was the last good day I had, but I can’t and it makes me sad… I waned to recall something good or happy, I don’t even know why…

so forget about that, the last time I wished for something to happen was last week, I wished that I could take back last year…. just live one day of the last year once again, and I wouldn’t change anything… last year I thought I was having the worst days in my life, but compared to now they were the best, really, I wish I could take back one day, just one day, I wouldn’t change a single action that I did, but I would only do one thing, I would enjoy that day, and then I would come back and tell you guys that that was the last good day I had… I just want to live one day of last year, to take back a moment and hold on to it… because that’s what I missed in life, enjoyment, for good or bad, I bet no one knows what the hell am I saying, I don’t expect you to… I don’t even know why I’m posting here, isn’t ironic?!,,, on my last day I just post to a bunch of people that I don’t even know…

I don’t even have anything to say, I’m trying to spend the time so I wont puke, I’ve to focus on something else, I wish I had someone to talk to… someone that would understand how I feel, but there’s no one really, only my boyfriend and if I talked to him… I’d never make it to death XD I would keep crying and feel weak, and I’m sick of crying and/or being weak…I’m just too in love with him… but I can force myself to be cold sometimes and bury my heart no problem, I wish I knew him way longer before I actually did, not that it would change anything but it would at least be a good thing, I don’t know how to say that, but it would be a good thing to have him,

I have a really good feeling about dying now, it’s serial, weird, I hope with all my heart and soul that it’s true, I feel so cold and sick but maybe I’m nervous and I don’t know, I just, my mind seems to be unable to process anything right now, at all, I’m thinking if I lived after I would suffer from a sever emotional and mental breakdown… I know that feeling very well, I’d be nothing but a ghost… a black light

and to God “FUCK YOU!!!” with all my heart… well yeah I feel like there’s a God, I don’t know how to describe that feeling but yeah he’s there I can feel that, but Fuck him! I’ll never believe in him, not for a single day, what’s the use of a bitchy God?! seriously not a single mother fucker comments here telling about God though I probably wont get to read that, even if I lived I wont give a fuck to read anything, or post but not a single mother fucker comments to this post talking about your God and his tests and crap, God is a mother fucker and I will never believe he’s fair to his creatures or whatever the hell you call him… what did I do?… what did I do to be raised to hate? what did I do to have depressive genes?! what did I do to be taught to hate myself?… what did I do to be born here? what did I do to be born anyway?!… I say Fuck God and his followers those filthy animals that follow with blind eyes and eat crap for the name of your fucking lord saying “I’m a believer” well I’m a sinner I’ll die a sinner if you call being atheist as a sin anyway, I’ll die proud of what I am no matter how fucked up… at least I never lied to myself!!…

Good-bye

summer,"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/my-last-post-to-be/

I'm so torn

"I'm in a bad place right now - Married for 2 and half years but have met the love of my life elsewhere. I spend everyday working out how to see my mistress. I love my wife but can't live without my mistress. My mistress has pressured me into spending Christmas with her and all available time. I'm so torn that I think ending it all is the only way out."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a76zl/close_to_the_edge/

I realize that I am looking for something that will finally amount to anything in my life

"Before I even get started; please don’t post ANY websites or phone numbers if those links or numbers require any information or registration from me. If you are going to answer this question, please answer it in full in your post or suggestion, without you providing further information that I would have to surf away from this thread. I think its really crappy of some people to exploit people who are in serious need of answers, by giving out advertisement links or spam that can only make things worse. If you think you must post a link, at least explain the link and make sure that I don’t have to provide ANY information if I go to your crappy site to find answers. Again, please do not provide me with any links that will require me to register or give any information to help me. I am seeking Answers, not more things to do.
I am considering quietly murdering myself because of several issues that have mounted on top of each other in a large unsolvable stink of a pile.
1. I have a very extensive criminal record that is for the most part not sealable. I have never murdered anyone, but i have a felony that I am a fugitive from - a drug charge from over seven years ago. I was not dealing, but we did have medication in a car I was in. I have a few misdemeanors on my record. I also have several dismissed cases that I cannot afford to get sealed.
2. I am disabled by state approval, it is hard for me to work. I am highly antisocial and do not get along well with anyone.
3. I am ugly and skinny and male. I am an adult. Because I have no money to take care of my teeth, the deep scars on my face, and my body getting older, I have serious issues all around. I am balding, I have distended muscles. Most of my problems come from damage in aging and I have no support from others to help me back to mental and physical health.
4. I have ABSOLUTELY no family support and no friend support. As a result of something my parents did to me in my life, I have suffered immeasurable trauma, which has caused serious further issues.
5. I am likely 100,000 dollars in debt and I own NOTHING worth equity. My debt includes repossessions and loans insurmountable b/c I cannot work a job. The debts are only getting worse but luckily I can’t afford much any more.
6. I have no degree worth more than minimum wage, noone will hire me b/c of a criminal background unexpungable, and b/c I am in such poor health.
7. B/C I have no money except for the disability check I get each month and food stamps, I have little left for myself and for anything extra. It is nearly impossible to wash clothes, or do anything else but sit at home and let the bills rack up.
8. I am in current criminal trouble b/c someone took advantage of my living situation. I wrote a bad check from a closed bank account that I had, I did not know I wrote the check on the closed account. When I found out the person was trying to steal from me, I reported it. However, they reported the check to the police later. I cannot afford small claims, an attorney, assistance, phone calls, and I cannot afford probation.
9. I would rather not be homeless. I live in a small shack of an apartment and I live alone. I cannot afford a pet.
It is true that I am looking for a simple answer, or if the answer is not simple - then just one answer that will make it all better. Perhaps there IS NO ANSWER. I don’t care if there are plenty of others like me, I don’t care about them, I care about me. If I cared about them and if I had anything to offer the homeless or others, I would. I don’t care about ‘having an attitude of gratitude’, that makes things worse and doesn’t pay bills.
Based on these issues, I feel like killing myself could be one possible solution that would make everything be solved. Since I don’t have any family looking after me or wanting me to be part of their lives, and since I don’t have a circle of friends, death is one viable answer. That is to say that I don’t foresee myself becoming someone who is going to be socially acceptable any time soon because of severe physical issues and physical damage, my debt issues, my issues with trauma and people, and my overall life with finances and legal issues.
I realize that I am looking for something that will finally amount to anything in my life. Everything that I have had in my life has either gone, turned on me, or turned into something not worth having.
I am looking for one answer, possibly, that would make a difference in my life. Working at min. wage job at my age, in my thirties, is hardly an option b/c i do not want to be around others who are of the same poor health, or teenagers who wine, or people who are needy. I am sick of people who see that I am damaged and further try to damage me or steal from me. Yes, I am paranoid of people b/c I live in the USA and we are taught to be needy and selfish to others; entrepeuneurial or whatever. I am alone and only older people who are worse than me seem to want to hang out. I write a little bit, but it just seems as if when things sometimes may start to look upward, something else always happens.
God is NOT going to help unless IT finally reveals ITSELF to me after thirty and more years of praying and nothing happening and feeling guilty for something that does not exist, praying does not help, and I have played the lottery and not won. I do not feel down or as if I am being irrational, I am not being pessimistic here but I am being rational about solutions. I am tired of being at the bottom of everything. I want a difference in my own life that does not relate others trying to help me as if I owe them anything. I am not looking for acceptance, just something that says I matter here, because there is just one bad thing after another in my long life of bull. I understand that if I tackle one problem at a time I will be okay, but I’m just tired of doing that. I don’t want to wait and wait for problems to get better. I need something that will make one noticeable difference in my life, and something that will give me incentive to take all of the other harsh things in my life in stride so much that they will get solved quicker."

Source: http://eu.promo.web.id/should-i-really-kill-myself

I wish it didn't feel like I carried the world on my shoulder

"I walk around with the biggest regrets and responsibilities on my shoulders.And even though the hurt me, I act like they don't because I want people to confide in me.When they're having a horrible day and I'm having a horrible year, I'll put my depression to the side and act like nothing is wrong.I bet you didn't know the I tired to kill myself plenty of times before.But when I think of all the people who I would let down and have no one to rest their secrets on, I just sit in silence about my sickness.I wish it didn't feel like I carried the world on my shoulders.I wish I was weightless so I could float through my sophomore year like I did since seventh grade.I don't even want to imagine what it's going to be like next year or even when I graduate."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/weightless/14328057/

Theres no way out, no way forward

"really starting to sink back down, i cant let myself do this again.i really started to make some improvement and relised i cant not commit suicide or overdose or major self harm anymore. i had to just had stop it for the sake of my mother-mainly my mother. and for my boyfriends sake. i hate worrying them. but honestly part of me wishes i didnt have them so that i could just do it, just top myself and tht be it.
so i sit here after seeing the crisis team thinking, well why dont i just do it? i ill be a failure and let all these people down at some point, i wont be good enough at some point- so why not just top myself and not have to be around to see that.
if i kill myself it HAS to be sure to work. fail again and il be kicked out of uni and my mother will never forgive me.
crisis team dont think they can help me because i have phone phobia and cant contact them if i feel suicidial, they cant come and visist me because if you want that you hae to direcly ask for it- and i can not ask for their help because i dont feel i deserve it,im wasting their time and she said it herself, im only acutly mentaly ill and im not completely crazy like some people.
tells me to contact the docter if i want them to get back in contact with me and things get any worse.. well hello stupid crisis team i fel suicidal now! just because i wasnt at the exact hour that you saw u doesnt mean im not in crisis. i explained my moods all over the place, that i could be ok but by tomrrow i maybe wanting to kill myself again, but they didnt care. they dont get it, i wanted to make sure i didnt act in a harmful way again by letting them be involved but just as before they have made me want to act on the feelings. theres no way out, no way forward. stuck unless i let go."

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8470844-why-bother

Know that, as I write this, know that I am crying

"I feel dead inside. I feel sick. I have been depressed on and off for a good while now, close to a few months, around four, three and a half. I've been constantly depressed for nearing on a week now. I feel so horribly so as to want to cause bodily harm. In this past five days I have wanted to kill. I have wanted to maim. I have wanted to hurt. I have wanted to burn. I have wanted to purge: this includes my core. I want to purge my self-loathing. I want to purge my self-hate. It's made me want to kill myself. It's made me cry to sleep.

I forget about this all by day, becoming the happiest person around, yet in my eyes you can see it clinging there, a darkness: a cancer that rages about my body killing me from the inside.

It hurts, as many know. It feels like a scorpion, black as coal, pinching and stinging at the base of my spine, whilst it's children run the length of my back and poison my brain.

I drown this all out with so many excesses: books, sex, food, vdeo games, broadcast television, being near friends. I live a life of excess by day, for I know it won't matter. I am not alive during the day. I am a child of the night, of soft winds and the gentle carress of the moon's guiding light. Yet, when I am alive, I feel dead. It makes me sick.

I am sick, also, because I feel myself loosing control. I feel my grip slipping: I feel myself becoming the homicidal, sadistic maniac I know to be within me.

Know that, as I write this, know that I am crying. I am lonely. I feel nothing but bitterness and the cries of my innards being shredded by these daemons inside of me. Know that, as I write this, it's all starting to fade..."

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/84556-so-cold.html

I'm alone I don't know what to do anymore I don't know what to do

"I want to kill myself. I want to be dead. I can't do anything right, I'm alone I don't know what to do anymore I don't know what to do"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=158491

No one listens to me

"I feel silly when I'm myself. i act like a child and i often miss communicate with people. i end up alone because none wants anything to do with me cause I'm weird and to much trouble because of my "problems" .and no one listens to me, they treat me like I'm not even in the room and don't even pay attention to me when i ask a question. and when they ask me a question they dont listen to my answer because my answer are so long and weird.

But when I'm myself i go off into my head and i find true happiness and joy. i create great works of art from singing to drawing to writing books.

I am happy and feel alive. and I'm not as depressed and not as nervous.

But when i act "normal" i am popular but i don't like the people i'm around. i get drained from trying to pay attention to all the subtle social cues. I get depressed cause im not doing what i want and it makes me unhappy.

People listen to me, infact the whole room stops talking to listen to me. but its not the real me its all an act. and i don't want to act. i want to be myself.

What i want to know is it ok to be me.

I am uncertain about my future and may be motherless homeless and i feel i have to find work soon to keep my world from falling apart. but im not ready yet. so i know i will probably be on the street and alone.

My mother is ill and possibly has cancer. we may lose our home and i don't know what to do.

I worry if I'm myself ill end up alone. but everyone else gets to be themselves why cant i?

I dont know if thispost makes any sence but hopefully you all can give me some good advice. you always do.

Thanks WP your all my friends in my eyes."

Source: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt112097.html

I'm sending myself into an oblivion and can't stop

"I thought I'd never find myself posting here and I feel like somewhat of a pussy for doing so.

Right now, I feel like I'm sending myself into an oblivion and can't stop.

I feel like I have no one. I hate sounding like I'm self-loathing. Maybe I just need a hug. Or someone to talk to.

Anyway, my boyfriend who I am in love with just broke up with me. My dad's health is rapidly declining. He is really far away and so if something happens to him, no one is around to help him. I realized the people who I thought were my friends, really aren't. I have just been discovering all my flaws and am trying to correct them but I find myself falling back into them consistently. It cost me my relationship with the person I love and care about the most. I just am looking for someone to listen and console. Because obviously what I'm telling myself isn't working. I feel somewhat on the edge but I know I won't jump just yet.

Sorry to sound mad whiny but I really am just looking for an ear and wise words to pick me up..."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a4q8r/i_dont_feel_right/

I wish I had the guts to kill myself

"I wish my mother -in-law and father -in-law could adopt my daughter. They're better with her than I am. They'd be able to more easily give her a good life. I wasn't ready for a baby, and I have so much trouble handling being a mom.

I wish I had the guts to kill myself. Just get it over with. But I can't do it. I want to stay with my husband instead, and I have to be here for him and our baby.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of wanting to start cutting again. I'm sick of the suicidal thoughts. I'm sick of being afraid I might lose it with my baby.

I wish everything was easier for me. Not necessarily different, but that I could handle everything better. That I wouldn't get so sad so often, or angry.

I'm tired of this ****."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=157858

Everything in my head tells me to end my life now

"I used to think I was lucky. That I had it made. And I was lucky. But only because I thought I was. I turns out that your mind truly is the only thing that can make you happy. Now, when I look back on my past, and not with the mind of a 10 year old, I realize how absolutely wrong I was. My life was anything but perfect. My life is anything but perfect. I don't know what to do now. I hate that I have a logical mind. Everything in my head tells me to end my life now. Everything in my heart tells me not to do it, for my family's sake. And that's who I am. I live for my family, I live to make my family happy. And I'm not doing a very good job. I don't know how to make them happy anymore, and that's where my head comes in. It says, you're not helping them, why stay. Why keep trying and not succeeding. Then my heart says, you know better. Your family loves you no matter what and killing yourself will only make it worse. So now, I do what my family wants rahter than what I truly want to do. I want it o be over. I want to be done. I want to die.

But I wont. I wont kill myself. I will just keep withering away inside my mind, because I will truly hurt my family if I do it. So I wont kill myself. Not physically anyway. My mind is already dead. It died with the longing to make my death complete.

I suppose I will just keep wearing this fake smile everyday and pretend I'm okay. I think they know better though. Oh well. I just hope an accident comes along and ends it all so I wont have to deal with the fact that I did that to my family for the rest of eternity in my afterlife.

Tell me something...am I convincing? =D"

Source: http://mylifeitshardbutitsmine.blogspot.com/

You cry and you cry and you ask why, God why? What do you do then? Do you put on a brave face or do you crumble to pieces?

"So what do you do when you like a friend who likes someone else? The correct answer, you leave them be. Even though your heart bleeds and you cry yourself to sleep every night. The correct thing to do is to be happy for him and to encourage him to pursue her, especially when she appears to like him too. But what if it’s just too hard? What if you find yourself thinking about him every single day. You cry and you cry and you ask why, God why? What do you do then? Do you put on a brave face or do you crumble to pieces? I have tried to be a good friend, to be happy for him. But every time he comes to me with happy stories about her, every time they have a date is like a knife in my heart. And don’t think I’m pathetic, pining over a guy like that, my life is more than that. It just seems like it isn’t these days. Things I used to care about mean nothing anymore and all I really want is for it all to stop, one way or another. None of my friends seem to understand, all they do is give good for nothing advice. Since I turned nineteen I think about ending my life almost every day. I just wish that there was someone out there that was willing to listen, to care."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/5135/#comments

What does it matter, really? It was all over before it began

"I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t stay home like this; it’s driving me insane. I need something to do. I need someone to stand in front of me and tell me exactly what to do. So I don’t have to think, so I don’t have to spend all these waking moments looking for an out that I’m not supposed to want.

I’ve changed. I can’t sustain myself anymore. I’ve weakened from all the pressure and now I can’t do what I used to do. The pointlessness of everything is glaring back at me more than ever. I get home and look around and think, “What now?” I don’t care if I have the job that people consider the lowest, I don’t care if all I do is work. They keep calling me in, or having me stay late, and not once have I protested. It’s better that I’m not here. It’s better that I’m not home. I tire of my daydreams of suicide.

I finally allowed myself to heal a little. Now there are pink lines instead of red, and some a deep purple, just everywhere, as though there was no rhyme or reason to it, only a sick kind of desperation. But I admit that I am throwing tantrums more often than ever. Tossing things into the wall (particularly in the freezer where I can’t be heard), or randomly sobbing when something doesn’t go my way. No one has witnessed any of it, thankfully. The crying is almost comical; it is literally over the stupidest most mundane of things. I want to laugh at myself, at how pathetic it is. Can’t live at all, can you? Can’t take it when something is broken, or the food you want isn’t there, or you can’t sleep? What a waste it is for me to even breathe sometimes, such a snivelling, stupid thing. You know why I won’t work the registers? I’m afraid I’ll fuck up the math. I’m sure counting coins would be too much for me. I’m just that stupid. Don’t even give me that responsibility; I’m sure I can’t handle it. My register would probably be off by twenty dollars.

What does it matter, really? It was all over before it began."

Source: http://lucienlachance.wordpress.com/

How am I supposed to keep it together when Im losing everything? When do I get to be happy?

"Can I Kill Myself Yet?
So lets start with the good news ------

The money CSSD wants isn't for child support, it is only for when my child was on assisted living, so I only have to pay back the $4 grand.

Now the bad ------

That $4 grand may actually screw my finances enough that I will lose everything and I really have to crunch numbers to see if I can survive past this.

I will be passed up for a promotion, it sucks but Im pretty much over it.

My son calls some one else dad .... that really breaks me .... very badly. This breaks my heart .... I just want to destroy everything, what the hell !!?!?! Thats almost to much for me to bear alone in itself. Thats my ... son ... damnit. That hurts the most ... and I just ... cant write about this right now.

I have no clue when I will see my son again, and as I've already mentioned I will miss all his firsts. Walking, Christmas, birthday, I never got to hear him say dada which some one else did. So much Im gonna miss and I cant do anything about it .....

One of my best friends, one to which I always look to for advice, confide in, always hopes for me when I never do, and wishes me the best all the time will be leaving.

Another best friend has health issues which worries me greatly, and I dont get to hang out with him as much as I should.

The girl I care for so much, I found out exactly how I fucked it all up, I made her feel weird, from wanting to much when I knew she didnt want more at the time. Now I dont know if I can still be hopeful in getting her back one day, I really ..... there have been 4 women in my life that I have ever wanted this bad ....

1 - Left and traumatized me really bad, in fact it shaped me to be who most of me is
2 - I dont think I should count as she was the first girlfriend and she messed me up pretty bad mentally
3 - I never dated or did anything with, it just never worked out that way
4 - Now her, I fucked it up

Here I am head in my hand wishing I could do some thing, wanting her back in my arms and all the gentle kisses that came with it. The girl who made me feel like I could shoulder any burden as long as she was with me .... fuck why did I have to fuck it up so bad, and no its not fate or some stupid thing like "well thats just what was meant to be" I fucked up and thats all there is to it and I hate myself for it.

So .... Im losing hope that I migh get the girl back, and Im really trying to be hopeful that maybe one day I will.

My son doesnt know me, and I dont know when I will see him if I ever see him again

And I might just lose everything I own

This isnt some trial of life, or some stupid test, or stand up again after falling .... this is my life damnit, and if it falls apart how the hell am I supposed to keep it together. I havnt been able to stop crying at home ..... Why cant one god damned thing go right without everything else spitting in my face? Just when i half picked myself back up, I get kicked back down and shattered. I just .... how am I supposed to keep it together when Im losing everything? When do I get to be happy?

Now I have some how go to sleep so I can wake up in 4 hours to go back to work .... and I gotta pretend like everything is ok ..."

Source: http://never-saw.livejournal.com/

Nothing but this endless torture and pain, divorced parents and a broken family, and the betrayal of my boyfriend and a bleeding heart

"I am turning 19 next month and have been battling depression and social anxiety since 12. People say that everything is going to be fine one day and that I should keep holding on hope. LIES!!! I have been hoping that things would turn around someday for seven years. What is my reward? Nothing but this endless torture and pain, divorced parents and a broken family, and the betrayal of my boyfriend and a bleeding heart.

I am done with this life!!! I regret that I didn’t attempt my third suicide at 15 when I was so ready for it. I shouldn’t have listened to them and kept holding on hope. I am stupid and naive and have just deluded myself. Silly me!!!

I am here not for your sympathy or preaching, but only for efficient ways to die. I want it to look like an accident because I don’t want my family to know that it is a suicide and suffer from it. Any good ideas? Oh, I also wonder how to induce a heart attack in an easy way (e.g. which medicine). It is a good way to go. I appreciate your information in advance!"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/seeking-a-way-to-die/

I can't stand to live anymore

"I'm 16, no friends outside of school(I get along fine in school) Have never had a girlfriend. I'v been depressed almost constantly for the past 5 years of my life, there is no end in site to a high school I hate. Hope in college and my future is barely keeping me going. Thats all been destroyed with my terrible grades I can't stand to live anymore."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a2l3g/loser/

What am I living for?

"I'm no longer depressed but I still want to kill myself. It's true - I've resolved all my issues in therapy and I've finally found an anti-depressant that keeps the darkness at bay... yet I don't see the point to living. I feel like living with depression for so long has turned me into a person who is completely incompatible with the world at large. So what is left? What am I living for? I'm thoroughly jaded."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=155676

I don't want to wake up anymore

"Dumb. Wrong. Not right.

Okay, I get it. I've done so many mistakes towards people. I disappoint my friends a lot of times. I've been whiny and insensitive. But should they really be mad at me like that? Okay, they can. But honestly I just can't take it. It hurts so bad I really wanna kill myself right now.

My mom didn't think that I understand all of those chinese talking she did in the car with my dad? I know she's tired of bringing me to the hospital back and forth, I know she's tired and everything. So why didn't she say it? If she doesn't really want to believe that I'm sick, or doesn't want to bring me to the hospital?

I'm tired of living. I just wanna ruin my life once and for all.

I don't want to go to school. I don't want to see or think about Raga anymore. I also doesn't want to disappoint anybody anymore, including myself. I don't want to make insensitive jokes or humiliate anybody anymore. I don't want to be in anybody's view because I'm ugly and I have so many flaws that are not appropriate for people to see or even to be friends with.

Just stop attacking me with guilt. Stop to laugh at my jokes if you don't want to and just don't care about me because it's useless if you didn't really care about me and you still stick around anyway.

I know I can't survive being alone. So what? Maybe being alone is great. I can build up those feelings and at the end I just can kill myself and be free from this endless drama and hurtings.

I hate myself. I hate this guilty feelings. I'm tired of being sick physically and mentally. I'm just tired with hatred towards everything!

I don't want to wake up anymore."

Source: http://writemenotyou.blogspot.com/

I only have but love to give and yet that is not enough

"I think I’m going to Kill myself… last words, to many lost memories. Idiots all of us to put up with this stench of a human condition. A monetary system slowly killing souls, including mine. I only have but love to give and yet that is not enough, as were all only thinking about how much we can afford to give. I can no longer afford all this, however have so much to give, but no one willing to receive. I miss being a child. I miss, past tense and so will this be. I hold you all in my heart and miss every minute I have spent with you. And pray to spend it with you again in my dreams. Bye. I hope you don’t dwell on me if I’ve let you down or cause you pain. I’m not worth it. Love Fil. :)"

Source: http://filbones.wordpress.com/2009/11/06/i-think-im-going-to-kill-myself/

I feel like im not here

"Whats wrong with me am i depressed?... I feel so low all the time, i just feel numb
i feel like im not here like im being ignored but im not.
I dont feel happy atall, i wish i would be.
My biggest fear is dying but ive wanted to kill myself.
Ive self harmed, im scared all the time and i dont know why.
i cant be by myself atall, im scared to sleep for some reason.
what could be wrong?"

Source: http://mentalhealthcares.blogspot.com/2009/11/whats-wrong-with-me-am-i-depressed.html

It's like I'm slowly dying just staying alive postpones the inevitable

"So I have suicidal thoughts, am depressed and I generally feel like shit. It's like I'm slowly dying just staying alive postpones the inevitable. Well not all the time though, I'm trying to get by with work + uni studies. I feel like I'm slacking/not giving a shit too effin much in those regards, but no one tells me that. (But that is not half of my issues)

I've seen my doctor, and she has finally referred me to several psychologists but it might take a while till I get an appointment from one (damn the country I'm living in, but's probably not any better in any other)

Well my problem is that opening up about these things is so damn hard it physically hurts me, I just want smash through a wall or something lol. And I get all these doubts like, "get over your fscking self it's no big deal" and thus in the end I feel that nothing will come if this. Anyone else had these kinds of doubts?

Edit: Thanks for all your thoughtful replies. I wasn't aiming for an IAMA thread so I'll stop now :)"

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a0pa9/trying_to_get_help/

Now death seems like the only thing i should do

"m 15 and have had a quite **** life so far, i suffer from deppresion, which i got treatment for ages ago. untill it stopped. so ive been trying to deal with stuff on my own, i cant ask my mam for help has she also suffers from deppresion. recently ive got to the point were i jsut want to die, i started to self harm on the tops of me arms and i stole my mams anti deppreion tablets to cope. i did this for quite a while but it isnt helping any more. now death seems like the only thing i should do, but im actually too scared to do it, ive been tempted to do it when self harming but i cant do it, cos deep down i know ill hurt everyone around me. im so confused, i dont want to live but i cant kill myself. i cant take it any more i dont know wat to do, i know im only young but i dont want to carry on living like this cos i know ill die alone and have no future. i need help, what should i do ?"

Source: http://anti-agingsite.info/im-want-to-die-but-if-im-honest-i-cant-kill-my-self-cos-im-to-scared.html

I hate my life

"my life sucks. i used to be happy, i had a bunch of friends, but my group started doing things that I didnt like. i tried to stop them from doing the stuff that they did, but they just rejected me and started ganging up on me.

most of the kids in my old group would have commited suicide if not for me to be there for them when nobody else was and help them.

nevertheless, they started being jerks to me and wouldnt hang out with me anymore. they had convinced their parents, too, that i was a bad example and that their kids shouldnt be in contact with me at all.

i said "hi" to them in the halls, and they looked at me like theyve never seen me ever.
the kids, as a consequence of the things that they had got into, became the most popular kids in my school. one of the kids now beats me up physically and verbally. i am always depressed, because they ruined my great reputation, making other kids think that i am stupid, and that i have a messed up home life.

my parents dont understand me when i talk to them, and their main focus is for me to do better in school.

i have no friends as of now, and i am one of the most unpopular kids in the school. what do i do? i dont deserve this. i was thinking about suicide a couple of minutes ago. im especially depressed today.

please help and reply with suggestions."

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/82302-i-hate-my-life.html

I honestly dont care if it hurts others because others have hurt me so profoundly

"I honestly do not see whats so bad about it. the past few days ive remember that i will die one day. Its a hard pill to swallow when youvbe been screwed out of your 5 of your good years. I dont know what i am going to do but i feel like suicide is on the table. i honestly dont care if it hurts others because others have hurt me so profoundly that its come to this. i dont know what the point of life is when ti has to be mediocre. i did not survive 5 years of pelvic pain and a life with a limp to live this out in a lackluster fashion. id rather be dead. thoughts?"

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8323496-questions-suicide-trigger