I could choke myself to death if I wanted

"I'm destined to be alone.And I swear anyone who says different will go in my black book.
I screw EVERY opportunity up, evry relationship dies after a month.
And I havent even had a guy interested in me for 2 years! !
I have NO FRIENDS
the ppl I associate are my brother friends.
And I cant spend my days talking to them forever
I only go outside to go to work or to get food..
I screwed up my chance of havn a bf, now I have absolutly no chance of ever being with him.
its horrible
my family doesnt even want me, I doubt they even like me


I'm sick of people underestimating me
And my will power
but its all in the wrong spot and I like it like that
I could choke myself to death if I wanted too.
I made myself pass out once.
It felt so good"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/fml-such-an-orignial-title-/14325897/

I just get the feeling that killing myself will set myself free

"i dont have the slightest clue of what's going on with me... i have bad jealousy issues, my mood changes from time to time and i wanna be alone, i think of commiting suicide when i usually get sad, and sometimes im just plain ol depressed. as a child i use to be so happy before my dad's girlfriend came into the picture and took a dump on my world and put reality right in my face. i still was a kid when that happened and from then on there my childhood was rough, and as i grew up more problems started to come to surface. i started gaining weight, my step mom got locked up, my dad was a working fiend, my brother gave me hell, i had alot of lonely nights, i was teased in school, and my mom wasnt around to show me any love. this happened when i was between the ages of 8-13. and when i turned 14 i moved with my mom and my dad kinda walked out on me. my mom teased me about my weight and called me alotta not so good but not so bad names.i wasnt teased in school anymore, thank god, but things still weren't easy. im 18 now but three years ago was when my dad officially walked out on me and i miss him so much and his absense saddens me so. i constantly stress and worry, and most times i feel happy but the smallest things makes me sad or i start to feel like shit, and then my self esteem gets lower than it already is. now i stress more than ever bcuz my mom has cancer and shes getting sicker by the moment and im left stuck in a house that makes me wanna kill myself all day taking care of her and my lil sis.( i just had to shorten the story, its deeper than that). at a young age i tried to kill myself and tho i dont ever try to do that stuff again, i just get the feeling that killing myself will set myself free....idk i need help my mind is clouded and i have such great friends but my negativity may drive them away. i try not to act like a "bitch" but i cant help it, sometimes i like to be the rain on people's parade. I get jealous when i see my friends having such a good time with each other and not with me(even tho they are trying to have fun with me im just not realizing it), then i just stop talking to them, then start ignoring them, and then i just want to walk the other way and be alone...the littlest thing will flip the mood switch me, i dont understand...."

Source: http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=2635

I have no friends or family

"I want to kill myself and keep the burden off my family. I have no money, no job, losing house, 3 kids. 48 old?

I am 48 years old, three kids to college, married, 27-year-old, drug and alcohol abuse, in the face after a third dispersion, in thousands of dollars in debt, without food, loss of a house, a total of trucks, I have no friends or family, will help. I have chronic back pain from a broken back to years ago, eight multiple surgery and cancer. No more to the bottom. In addition, was diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disease, I can not find any help symptoms."

Source: http://www.depressiondrug.org/2009/10/28/open-question-i-want-to-kill-myself-and-keep-the-burden-off-my-family-i-have-no-money-no-job-losing-house-3-kids-48-old-2/

Things dont look like they are going to change anytime soon

"First off, i am not doin this because i want attention. I am doin this because i need help, and i dont know how to get any help other than this. I am 14 and i have been depressed since the 3rd grade, i even started havin suicidal thoughts then. Although, now things have gotten a lot worse. I have had to take time off of school because of this. 4 sum reason i cant even focus anymore there. All i can think of anymore is puttin a gun 2 my head n pullin the trigger(and yes i have put a loaded gun 2 my head before, i even pulled the trigger once only to find out that the one time i actually pulled the trigger i forgot to put a bullet in the chamber). I dont even know what started this, but i dont think that i can take it any longer. The only reason that i am still alive right now is because i am worried aboutwhat will happen 2 my friends if i kill myself. Especially my best friend, i am worried that it would fuck him up if i kill myself because we have known eacother for almost all of our lives.I cant go and see a therapist because if my dad finds out that i have been missin school cuz i am depressed he will probably kill me the second he finds out. I am also a little afraid to talk to most of my friends about this because most of them would probably try to get my locked up in a psycho ward. So, i really dont know what to do anymore, i havent been happy with my life in years and things dont look like they are going to change anytime soon. I just feel worthless all of the time, and i am so close to killin myself right now. Im not eating, i cant sleep, and i have been getting headaches a lot. I would really appreciate any help you can give me. Also, srry that this wuz so long.

I dont want to talk about this with my teachers because they are assholes, and if i talk to my school counselor im fucked. The school counselor that i would see has a mom that is my moms best friend. So if the counselor found this out, i know that this would get back to my mom. So then my parents would probably start chasin me around with guns tryin 2 kill me. But thank you for tryin 2 help me i appreciate it."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/10/help-me/

If you've read this, thanks for caring... It's a shame you live so far away

"I don't expect replies, I just need to vent...

Tonight I find myself to incredibly depressed...
I hate my life, I hate the few friends I have, I'm sure there's a reason for all of that but I just don't give a f**k. I hate that I can't have a normal relationship with people, or hold down a relationship with a girlfriend.

I'm absolutely positive that everyone thinks I'm a lazy, useless, deadbeat because of my SA. Quite frankly, I'm absolutely sick of trying to fight this, trying to be normal, and socialize, and have friends.... Trying to move out of my parents house when all they do is tell me why it's not a good idea.

I hate living in society, I hate maintaining relationships, I hate who I've become. I used to want to kill myself when I feel as depressed as I am, but since I had an extremely bad Salvia trip, I know that I don't want to die. SO I'm stuck here, feeling this way.

I hate chancellors, I've never been to a therapist and I really don't want to go. Like I said, I'm sick of trying. I f**king hate feeling this lonely, as if no one understands. At least, nobody here, that I can physically talk to. (this forum is still absolutely great btw)

So what do I do? I can't stay in my stressful part-time job because nobody could make a living off of it. I basically have to go back to school, which freaking terrifies me to the core. I don't want to do group work, presentations, exams, essays, and assignments. I've already done that and I hated it, I got so stressed out I couldn't stand it, I started cutting myself until I dropped out.

Deep down in my soul I just want to run away from it all. I want to run away and not care about any of it, just to be free from from this life and for once have a genuine smile on my face.

I HATE LIFE. I HATE WHO I AM, I WANT OUT... -sigh-

If you've read this, thanks for caring... It's a shame you live so far away.

Peace."

Source: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/sooooo-depressed-75005/

I just feel like life is just too much for me

"I'm not really sure where to start. This will all probably sound a bit rambly. I've always been a very sad and lonely person I suppose. All my life it's never taken much to make me feel bad. These last few years it feels like what's been required to make me feel bad has been getting smaller and smaller and the length and severity of the depression and anxiety that such things cause in me have been getting worse and worse.

About two years ago I tried to get help, my doctor perscribed me various medications and I went to see several different therapists. The drugs never seemed to lessen the feelings of depression and anxiety and the therapists never seemed to be able to help either.

I get depressed over the fact that my life feels so empty and unfufilling and it seems like there's no hope of me ever having the kind of life I want. And I get anxiety over all the people I have to deal with everyday. At my jobs I've always had customers or co-workers who treated me like crap and left me with horrible feelings of anxiety that would last for days or even weeks.

At 22 I went to back to school, I started out studing history and eventually set my eye on getting my Masters of Library Science and for a while I was filled with a little bit of hope. I felt like maybe this would be my chance to feel like I was doing something with my life and maybe make some new friends for the first time since I was a child. Sometimes it feels like I'm doing something worthwhile, other times I feel like I'm just wasting my time. I'm in my second year and I've failed to make any friends. When it comes to my choice of eventual career I'm often filled with fears that I'll graduate but I'll never be able to get such a job or even handle one.

I don't really have any friends to turn to, I really only have one close friend I really hang out with and he sometimes treats me like shit, especially in front of other people. He did this earlier today and I ended up hitting him, which is the cause of my current spike in depression and anxiety, so I don't know if I really have any close friends. Making new ones is just so difficult, people sometimes act friendly to me but when I try to turn one of my few acquantances into a friend they always seem to decline.

As far as dating goes, I dream of one day being in a relationship with a girl, but I've only been able to summon the courage to ask out three girls in my entire life and they've all turned me down. I just have a hard time approaching girls because of my looks (I'm ugly) my weight (I'm fat) and the fact that i'm poor, still live at home and the fact that small things can sometimes make me break down and cry. I'm a few weeks away from turning 24 and I fear i'm either going to die one day without having had sex or even kissed a girl or I'm going to have to pay for it to happen.

I don't what else to say... I just feel like life is just too much for me. I just can't handle it."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9xsfd/i_feel_like_i_just_cant_handle_life/

It's not supposed to be like this

"I can't stand living on this earth anymore I already tried 3 times 1st time tried to run my car off the road into the freeway but tires blew 2nd time was going to hang myself in the garage but talked my self out of it last min and third time was I od on a bunch of sleeping pills 40+ and then was out for 2 days and then had a sizure and was sent to the hospital and they gave me a lot of ativan and now that I have the Ativan I have enough to finally end all of this I don't need this s*** anymore I'm so depressed and don't care who it affects I need help I've had such a bad life I'm only 20 it's not supposed to be like this.

FYI I don't need peoples f****** s*** say o your salfish because I don't give a f*** and no it's not girlfriend issues or I'm fat or she dumped me because those are some dumd f****** reasons to kill yourself and those one need to get over it I know I work in healthcare and people tell me there s*** try being abused at home and your mom can't do any thing and watching your brother and sister being abused and the way they try saying sorry is buying with cars or giving money and just not fesing up to what they did or trying to escape through a window because your dad was trying to Hert you or hearing your mom being beat in the next room or having to sleep in hotals or cars because you can't go home or having your mom telling you that she won't be able to see you for awhile and that you would have to stay with the person who Hert you.

There's more but I don't want to say any more it herts too much to even wright about it.
Now that's a better reason to kill your self so you don't have to remeber any of it no more flash backs, bad memories, no more pain of everything that happend."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/i-want-to-kill-myself-so-bad/14325341/

I don’t know how to live and I don’t know how to die

"I’m still waiting for something to happen. Not something special that could finally brings me to the end of this pain. Everything is fine, everything makes me feel this is the very end.

I don’t know if I’m the weird one. I want some help but at the same time I isolated myself avoiding others, even my friends, with some silly escuses. Hardly I recognize myself when I look into the mirror.

I started to hate being surrounded by people when found everybody in my life betraying me. Was really my fault? My parents, my friend, my boyfriend. I can’t go out without feelin’ uneasy, sickened. Maybe I too weak to overcome something like that, maybe I simply can’t. Maybe I trusted the wrong people. The only thing I’m sure about is that nobody could’ve hurt me in the same twisted way they did. It seem like some of them did it on purpose. Just to push me down. Just to break myself in pieces. Should I have been stronger to bear all this? I’m so young but still all I see in front of me is deep despair.

I could say I want to live, now. In five minutes I may change my mind. I wrote this piece in the last moment of relief, I’m gonna give myself the last chance to survive. I can’t help myself thinking life can still be wonderful for me. But now I’m so tired, so numb, so addicted, so overwrought that all I can think about is that now I’m a complete coward. I don’t know how to live and I don’t know how to die."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/10/somehow-im-still-here/

I want to live as somebody else, but not as me, not with this life

"I'm thinking of ending my life almost everyday. I've been married for 9 years. My daughter will be 4 in December. I love her more than anything. My husband is sweet, and He still love me at lot. in my life. I growed up dealing with lots of hopeless situations, and family issues. I once tried to kill myself when I was 12, by injecting air into my vein with a syringe. Obviously, it was unsuccessful. It hursts too much, I ended up flushing the syrine and the needle into the toilet. I have never tell anybody until I was about twenty something. I was often make a joke about it, thinking how stupid I was then. Life doesn't get any better as I get older. Family issue, hopeless situations, financial difficulty...I guess everybody in this world has this same problem, right? It's hard, but I took them as if that how life is; I thought I was well trained to endure and overcome almost everything. I've tried my best to make things work, to have a happy family of my own. I do have a happy family, even that we're poor but we still know how to make it fun to enjoy our lives together. I don't care what my family, my friends, his family, his friends, or whoevers thinks of us, or if they ever pity us. As long as, I believe in my future, still have hopes, then that's fine.
But recently, I become weird. I'm overwhelm with my own life. I loss all my hopes, my interests. I don't want to do anything, even thing that I love the most (like traveling). Nothing can make me excited. I'm hopeless, motionless. Even if I win the lottery, it may not be excited as it s/b, I still want to die. I'm sick of my life, that's it! I was thinking of my daughter, will she be ok without me, and if my husband is a good father, will he able to take good care of her...I think they'll be fine. Almost every night, I went to bed and hoping that I wont wake up next day. I even have plans for ending my life. I want to live as somebody else, but not as me, not with this life.
What is wrong with me? What can I do? Please advise
Please forgive me for my english. "

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/suicidal-thought-1/

I can't live like this.. please help

"I can't deal with anything anymore..

Over the past few years my life has gone to shit, my parents are both extremely abusive, and childrens services put me in a place where the abuse just got worse, going from just physical, to physical and sexual. The Childrens aid society wont do anything, because they need proof, and everyone just says I'm lying. I've even gone to the police. No one will do anything. All the physical abuse is turning me into a monster, when someone hurts me, I beat the living shit out of them, and don't even realize it until I've already hurt them..

I'm beginning to develop symptoms of bipolar and schizophrenia, I'm hurting everyone I love and I don't even realize it half the time. I don't know what to do anymore, I can't live like this.. please help :("

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/9wqg1/i_dont_know_what_to_do_anymore/

I feel like god is upset and ashamed with me

"i hate it, i hate thinking about killing myself. i feel stupid and selfish. i feel like im going insane. and i hate it because i really dont have a bad life. i just feel selfish because im taking life for granted and i dont want to die. i think about it a lot. i think about death and i always have bad scenerios in my head of how i could die or how i could do it. and the saddest thing about it, is that i do it most when i cant handle things. i do it most when i feel stupid and ashamed and dont want to deal with things anymore. i need help. i cant handle fighting and stress, even just a little bit of it. it happens and i get so depressed when i shouldnt be depressed. i just realized this just now. right before i started writing this. i just got in a bad fight and the thing i thought was i dont want to deal with this i just want to die. i should just kill myself. why do i do this? i feel so selfish and i believe in god so i feel like god is upset and ashamed with me. im not happy with things and i know its my fault and i know the only way to change it is to change me or change something in my life. and i some things i know i need to change but i dont do it and i dont know why. i just want to give up. i hate me so much and i know thats a really big thing. one day ill be happy and the next day i wont. im thinking that im really bi-polar."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/10/i-hate-it/

If we had any decent alcohol, I'd drink myself to death

"I'm so sick of being alone...

I would kill for someone to love me...

Anyone...

I'm so sick of trying to talk to my mom about it and having her say "I love you." When she knows that's not the kind of love I'm talking about.

I just want someone so bad...

Michelle broke up with me...

She said she needed time to get her head on straight.

I agree. I mean, she just got out of a treatment center because she was seeing and hearing things...

But that was from the meds she was on...

I just want someone so bad...

Sometimes I think about just finding someone who wants to fuck me and throw me away. It shouldn't be too hard to find...

But then again, who wants to fuck me? I'm ugly, annoying, and just plain fucked up.

It's gotten to the point where I don't want to listen to love songs...

They just piss me off or make me sad.

Even songs about sex set me off.

I hate it.

I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

Maybe I should've just let my ex rape me. Who the fuck would care anyways?

I'm crying now...

I wish I could kill myself...

But swallowing pills makes me gag...

I don't like pain. (Unless it's in a very kinky situation)

And I don't have any place to hang myself from...

I hate water. So drowning's out as well.

Maybe I could get a lot of coke or heroin and snort it all...

But I don't know where to get any.

So that's out...

If we had any decent alcohol, I'd drink myself to death.

Any ideas anyone?

Anyone? No? No?

Damn. C'mon, people, get creative!"

Source: http://strawberrysnack.livejournal.com/

My story does not have a happy ending

"I hate my life. I am going to kill myself. I don't know when but i am going too. I m tired of being used and abused. My heart cannot take this shit anymore. I want to die. I want her to feel my suffering. I want her to feel my death. I don't believe in God. I never will. I don't believe in Him making things new. I believe that it depends on the persons motivation to get better. I know now that i will never be happy. So i must not try to be happy. There is no point. I think my chest will explode one day. It is slowly wasting away. Everything is wasting me away. Please take these feelings away. I don't wanna have to think about her one more day. I don't wanna cry at night anymore. I feel trapped and hopeless. There is nothing i can do anymore. I loved her. And now that she is gone i have no hope. I will be dead soon. I will never feel alive again. I am going to die. Silently with no one around. I will die in a room filled by water. Oh but not the water you drink. The water from which heartbreak and sadness come from. I just want to feel alive. My clock is ticking. And when my time is up. I will no longer be alive. I use to think that someone would save me. But i know no one will. My story does not have a happy ending. It will not end like some spiderman movie, or a batman adventure. It ends like a broken record, who got put away, and will never see the light again. I feel like shit. The hospital did nothing for me. I cant remember anything i learned in there and to be honest, it wouldn't have helped me anyways. My life is worthless. Shes in my head. And Ill die with her in my head. It seems like so long ago. Yet so close. But in the darkest of nights, if my memory serves me right. Ill never turn back time. I have to forget you, oh but never the time. I want the people who have betrayed my soul to be happy after i die. I want them to realize that they will never have to see me again. I hope that makes them happy. I hope the lost and depressed find themselves back home. In the safety of their beds. They deserve that. Everyone does. I don't know why i write. Its not like anyone will give a shit about it. It will just go lost in time. I want their to be no one at my funeral. I want the ghost of me to plant me into the ground. I want to feel alone in the solitary ground. I want to feel the worms eating my body alive. I don't want to scream. I want it to be silent. I want my pain and suffering to go unnoticed. It will be like the song I'm listening. It has such meaning. And such heartbreak. Songs are the only things that tell truth. When everything tells you whispers of deception, songs seem to make you believe that someone is just like you. I sit here, talking to the girl that once made me wanna cry myself to death. I don't know what i should do. I wanna walk away. I do. But i just wanna be in love with her. She is so amazing and beautiful. I want to be with her and make her feel like the amazing girl that she is. I will never forget you Danielle, you were my first true love. You are so perfect and i wanted to experience everything with you. I hope your life gets better without me in it. I'm falling slowly and i can see the ground. I can see my body hitting the ground and exploding everywhere. I can see my death. I can see I'm not good enough for her. I can see it. "

Source: http://thoughtsfromadyingatheist.blogspot.com/2009/10/suicidal-tendencies.html

This is my last resort

"decided to do it on my 25th birthday in a few months. I'm going to use a combination of pills, mescaline, alcohol and cutting to make sure I go. I don't know any of you but i figured this is the place to talk about it. I've exhausted all options. there is no point in continuing anymore. this is my last resort."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9v5ke/done/

I just feel like i’m breaking in every way possible

"i’m not coping. i’m really not.
i’ve now got to the point, where i don’t want to wake up of a morning.
everything’s just screwed up, and i hate it!
i have depression, and i get counselling, but it doesnt help.
i just want to be happy!
i feel like there’s no point in living some days!
i have feelings for my best friend, who’s also a girl, and that’s just screwing me up worse!
my head’s a mess, and i just feel like i’m breaking in every way possible!
i went to a party a few months ago, and i got drunk, i nearly got raped, and after that i just wanted to kill myself, and i was trying, if it wasnt for my friends, i wouldnt be here.
some days i wish i did kill myself. i self harm, i try not too, but sometimes, it seems like the only release.
i miss being happy all the time, i miss the feeling that used to be there, now i just feel empty. and i hate it!

i hate life i really do.
i have to hide feeling so depressed all the time. i just pretend to be happy.

i want to have a real smile on my face. i want to feel like i have a meaning in life!

please help! ):"

Source: http://www.youthbeyondblue.com/2009/10/15/please-help-i-cant-take-it-anymore/

I can't go through the day without picking myself apart, and it drives me crazy

"I'm at the point where i really don't know who else to go to. I feel like i have tried to talk to everyone close to me about how i feel, and no one understands. I have serious self esteem issues, have for almost four years now. I cry almost every single night and i really don't feel like i have any reason for living. I'm nothing special, i have no talents and i feel like im going to amount to nothing. I hate everything about myself. There isn't one thing i can say that i like. I have told my mom these exact feelings, and she acts like its nothing. She tells me im a beautiful girl and i have nothing to worry about. Shes my mom, of course she thinks that. She doesn't understand how much it effects me. I have even told her i think about suicide a lot, and all she said was "don't go suicidal on me" and continued to tell me how its a selfish act. It made me feel 100 times worse about myself. I have tried to tell my friends about my insecurities, but all they say is "i get the same way sometimes too." I don't think they do to the extent that i do, since they seem perfectly happy with themselves. I can't go through the day without picking myself apart, and it drives me crazy. I feel so insecure and i just want to disappear. I don't want to end my life necessarily, but i do want it to happen naturally. I don't want to live anymore. Not like this, not as myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I have told my mom i want to talk to a therapist, but she still has not said anything about it. No one understands the severity of how i feel, but inside its tearing me apart. I feel like the ugliest girl alive, with a no good personality. How will i ever make it in the world? I don't want to be alone, i don't want to fail, i don't want to be ME. What do i need to do to show the people close to me how upset i really am? Suicide feels like the only way. I want out. I don't want to hurt anyone, but i don't want to live like this. I will never be comfortable being me. I hate how i look, and i hate the person i am. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like im wasting my life feeling like this, but theres nothing i can do to help it. I compare myself to everyone around me, and i always lose in the end. I just feel so depressed every single day. And theres no one to go to anymore. I don't know what to do, i despise myself."

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/depressed-and-dont-know-who-to-go-to--/

I cry every night because of these things

"i am 13 years old and have been depressed for about a year now..i have taken just about every quiz i can find..and they all say that i have severe depression. i cut myself i have hurt myself. i hate myself and my life and blame everything on me. i wont let anybody tell me im beautiful or fun or nice. i have no friends they all hate me. i get picked on everyday at school. i fell inlove with a complete douchebag and he broke my heart 3 times and i still forgive him. when i was 8 my cousin tried to touch me. then my (ex) best friend tried to touch me again this year. i cry every night because of these things. i have gone to a therapist but i dont think it really helps.i think about killing myself all day everyday..and i know i need help. i dont know how to tell my parents. i had my (ex)friend tell my mom but she didnt do anything.if i dont get help soon something terrible will happen. please tell me how to tell my parents"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/how-do-i-tell-my-parents-im-depressed/

Its the only way for this pain to stop. i need it to stop. please god help make this stop. i will do anything. just to make this go away.

"gosh it hurts so much. i want to die so bad. i have still not talked to my husband since our fight. he doesn't care about me. after we fought he fell asleep right away. he didn't even stay up to make up i went out there 15 minutes later and he was asleep. he doesn't care. he doesn't want me anymore. he is going to leave me. i know he hates me. i hate this. i hate my life. i wish i was dead. i am going to coach then die. its the only way for this pain to stop. i need it to stop. please god help make this stop. i will do anything. just to make this go away. i need it to stop. it hurts so much.
i have nothing to wear. i have nothing that fits my fat body. i have no money to shop. i am going to be like this forever. i hate myself so much it hurts. my whole body is in pain. i am worthless. nothing is going to make this okay. i have no hope. i give up. nothing is good enough for anyone anymore. i cant go on. i never want anyone to see me again. i hate it when people look at me i know what they are thinking. they are thinking that i am the most disgusting person on the planet. i am a fat obesite slob that doesn't deserve to live
i give up. i quit. i am nothing. i am not going to do this anymore. i cant. i hate myself. i hate my life. this sucks. it hurts so much. i just want peace. i want releif. please give me relife. i hate this so much. i need something to make this managable. please help me god. please give me some peace "

Source: http://pleasemakeitstop-ztnap.blogspot.com/

I think it's time for me to die

"For the past two and a half years, I have have actively attempted to kill myself. Every time I try though, I back out at the last minute because I can't leave people behind that need me. These are the same people that when I tell them about my suicidal tendencies and ask for help, they leave me behind. I need help from my friends, but if I ask for it, I don't get it, and if I don't ask for it, I need it even more. My life is an endless circle of desperately needing help, building up a relationship with someone and helping them, telling them I need help, having them shun me, and then it just starts over. I need help, but I can never find it. I think it's time for me to die."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=146941

I want to stab myself in the head till I can't think about anything anymore

"I don't know anything anymore, My life is utter shit... I lack anyone who cares about me..... My brothr just leaves me alone... I fought so hard to live with him and spend time with him and he just leaves me be... he brought me to london only to leave me in the house by myself =/
I feel null inside
I have nothing else to live for... I can't sleep because I'm scared of dreaming and when I dream I dream about them and when I wake up without them it is hell. I have lost all will to get through each day
I just want to lay on the floor and never move and have my sister come lie with me but she won't ever
I miss my Poppy and I want to go back to live with him but I don't know... I want to sort things out with my brother first but he won't talk to me
I'm invisible to all my fucking friends and np-one at this point cares if I live or die... and I'd much ratherdie then spend anymore fucking time in this place and I've tried soo many times but I can't never do it
I can cut but that only takes the pain away for awhile... I've tried Oding before but I can't even fucking do that right
I need my head to be ok but it just won't be
I need someone to love me but I can't find anymore./.
to sum up
I want to stab myself in the head till I can't think about anything anymore"

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/80178-want-die-rant.html

I don’t see any relief in sight, just don’t. I guess I should just do it.

"I have a beautiful baby and I can do nothing for him. I have no money and am dependent on my mother because I have to take care of her full time. My boyfriend aka baby daddy goes to school but has never had a job and in his free time plays video games or sleeps, occasionally helping me with chores when I demand it but usually not. I have no other family except a crazy sister who won’t talk to me and one cousin down south. I am on food stamps and Medicaid. I have a checkered work history because I was in competitive nyc and then I had to leave to take care of my dying dad in pennsylvania. I have never been able to earn a living since. I am a certified teacher but it just seems like no matter how hard I try or how good I behave in this world, nothing good happens to me except my son, and even he is constrained by my situation. The other night I played cello for some rich people’s fundraiser and no one so much as offered me has money. I have about 200 dollars in the bank. I talked to my friend today who is the chief Esthetician for a Robert de niro hotel and told me he was offered a project (mind you,one he could do WHILE he has his other job) of planning a new spa in philadelphia and he turned it down because 125k is not enough money. He told me he massages Jennifer aniston for 400 bucks an hour and she makes 25 million dollars a movie. Meanwhile I am considering a job at kfc. I asked him if he could help me get my kid a job modeling and he practically laughed at me, saying there isn’t much work. That just isn’t true, he knows lots of people and can get him to meet someone important. This guy is someone I met 15 years ago before he even had his massage license. People I have a degree from columbia, and so does obama, but so did the unabomber, didn’t he?! I don’t want to do violent things to other people but my life is so unfulfilling and worthless and I have no money. I barely have gas money. My relationship is also degrading. I am aware of all the advantages I had in life which I cannot provide my son. I fear for him. He is brilliant and beautiful. I am wary of society at all. People are so fake. Nothing ever works out for me. Why can’t I have some sense of purpose and enjoyment out of life? What can I do to make my life meaningful? Its somewhat therapeutic to write this and I feel a little less suicidal but I am still wondering if I should go ahead and do it. I am becoming less and less capable of doing anything at all in life, I put on even MORE weight after pregnancy, and I am kinda really fat now. Its a struggle to do anything. I have no family and no religion because religion is for ignorant self deluders, and if you try to tell me otherwise I will report you, because I consider you highly offensive and insulting my intelligence if you suggest I should worship some mythical figure.
I don’t see any relief in sight, just don’t. I guess I should just do it."

Source: http://philadelphia10.cityspur.com/2009/10/02/why-do-i-want-to-kill-myself/

My body shakes and trembles with fear of being unloved, uncared for, i dont have the strength i thought i once did

"I dont know how to say this but i cant do it anymore. you have made me feel like a worthless inferior piece of shit. i just cant do it anymore im fucking done. you are taking over my life. i just feel like shit, why does this always happen? i like you so much but you keep dipping out on me. and everyone ive ever loved has left my side. i just cant do it anymore. i just want to go home i just want to go home. i want my bed i want my mommy. i want my daddy. thats all i want. i want the comfort of my own home the comfort of love. being loved. i just wanna do something drastic. something to show people how strongly they've impacted my life. how strongly they've made me feel this terrible. my body shakes and trembles with fear of being unloved, uncared for, i dont have the strength i thought i once did. i need to see a therapist. i need to seek help. im really not okay. i really dont think i am. i really just want to leave this world for awhile. god please help me. please come into my heart and help heal my scars. my torn and bleeding open wounds on my soul. i need you more then anything else in this world you are the only person who could possibly attempt to help me. i need to change. i need to fix my life. i need to fix myself. when so many things get you so down you just want to die to see if anyone would care, you know how worthless you really are. how desperate for love you really are. how desperate for attention. when you just want something so so bad but you cant accept it or find it."

Source: http://anyashley.livejournal.com/

I need some help guys

"After 11 yrs , 2 kids (6&2) , being faithful , and a house husband (grow to work,grow to work basicly) my old lady told me tonight she doesnt love me anymore and wants to leave with the kids.

At 1st she said it was because I grow (which is fucked up cause she got me my 1st grow light 11yrs when I started) so i said I would stop , get a 9 to 5 and we could go live in a trailer then she said nope to late, I still wanna go.
Totally fucked up , out of nowhere shit, I just dont know what to do. Everything I have everydone in my life was for her and then her and the family, she was my 1st love , and I feel in my heart my last. I just cant stand the thought of her fucking some other dude and my kids being there, whats even worse Im right in the middle of harvest and dont even want to go over in the morning to take down more plants.
I truly am thinkiing about selling it all giving her all the money , tell her to keep the shit in the house and go kill myself. I just dont understand it, gave her a 100K+ house to live in, she got a 09 car I paid with cash, Ive never done shit, not even look at another bitch when I was alone , play perfect father, at home everyday and either take the kids to school or pick them up if not both. She has no job, has nothing to do but take care of kids, Ive been perfect and still she just doesnt love me anymore.

I dont want to give my kids a fucked up family, I rather just be gone and let that bitch go on and let her find them a new daddy like she will do even if I stay around.
I truly feel I was never ment to be happy in life, I did have a good 11yrs, my life sucked before and will suck after and I really dont think I can take it. Whats even worse she just acted like I was tripping and it was no big deal.

I need some help guys."

Source: http://www.thcfarmer.com/forums/f13/i-think-im-gonna-kill-myself-13222/

I'm just so down, I don't know if I can get back up

"I'm six years into what I fear is a dead end relationship. He says he will be proposing soon, but he's been saying that for a year now.

I was diagnosed with a serious condition - PCOS - that explains why I'm so fat even though I don't eat much, why I'm tired all the time, and why I don't have periods regularly. I had a cyst burst this spring which was excruciating. I was told that if I want to have children myself, I should start right now.

On top of all that, in the last year, I've had several close relatives die, my house flooded and I lost 75% of my earthly possessions, and my home was broken into and I had about 1,000USD worth stolen.

So now I'm drowning in medical bills, I've been rebuilding my possessions, and I'm in a lease with someone who probably won't ever actually commit to me. And I've wasted the last six years of my life waiting to marry and build a family with someone who likely never will. And I'm pretty sure I'm too fat to attract a new mate to marry and impregnate me. But each day that passes is another day taking me closer to infertility.

Also, I live 600 miles from my friends and family, my parents don't have anything to do with me, and I've had an incredibly hard time making friends. This is exacerbated by the fact that, because of my pcos, if I do anything with my evenings, I'm too tired to go to work the next day because my condition leaves me incredibly energy deficient by storing all food I eat as fat instead of turning it into energy to live. The last time I went out with friends, I had dinner and then went to a pub, where I didn't have alcohol. I was out until 9. The next day I had a migraine and had to come home from work.

So that's it. I'm broke, lonely, in a dead end relationship, quickly becoming infertile, fat, tired, and have been metaphorically anally raped by life so much that I seriously have no idea why I keep going. I've lost hope.

I was in counseling in college for depression, and chose psychotherapy and learning coping skills over medication. I've been able to get by with those techniques for a few years now, but I've reached the point that they just flat out don't work. I'm tired of my life. I honestly don't know if I will ever get what I want out of life - a family. And it's all my fault. I made the choices that got me here (except the illness thing - I've been seeking medical help for that for 12 years now, and only recently got any answers). But I don't see how hard work or good planning can gt me "out" of this.

I'm just so down, I don't know if I can get back up."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9rviz/so_down_i_dont_know_if_i_can_get_back_up/

It’s getting more difficult to live every day

"I’m screwed my life and now It’s getting more difficult to live every day, so I think maybe you can help me finding the best way to suicide myself. I know there’s a good idea to shoot myself with the gun, but I don’t have it, and there’s no way to get it. So please, help me find the way out of this, I need your suggestions now, guys."

Source: http://abrokenlife.com/suicide/what-is-the-best-way-to-suicide-without-any-pain

I'm so fucking lonely. I've got nothing. I've got music, I've got a dream. A dream that is, as always, barely hanging on.

"Days like today, dude I really have no fucking clue how to get out of this rut.

I feel lower than low. I feel like suicide. I'm not gonna lie, it all stems from the military. I can't think about having a gun in my hands again, and wearing a uniform again. I really don't want to be the arbiter over whether or not someone else survives. I want to see a psychologist, I don't have money. I haven't gotten sleep in days, fuck, in weeks over this.

My band has got to be a huge joke. I just don't understand it. How the fuck do hardcore bands get together? How is there so much shitty music that's so popular? Why?!?

How does this demo hit the ears of people, and they love it, and yet here I am sitting at my studio at 1AM waiting for the guys in my band to get here. Two weeks ago we agreed to do an acoustic show at Cool Beans. We posted it on Twitter, and a bunch of people actually got mad stoked. I was surprised, honestly. I didn't expect anyone to give a shit. But there's like 11 people coming, and all we did was put one tweet on Twitter. That's it. We did no promotion.

Yet, for some reason, Chris and Andrew seemed surprised at the reminder two days ago that we had a show. We haven't practiced at all. There is always some bullshit excuse. Chris doesn't know the songs, Andrew isn't tight. Dude I don't fucking get it. What's the point of this fucking shit?

How are so many terrible bands able to get together? How do they find people who believe in that shit?

I feel like it may be time to start over. Get rid of these clowns and get people who actually give a shit.

I'm so fucking lonely. I've got nothing. I've got music, I've got a dream. A dream that is, as always, barely hanging on.

I wish I could just quit. I wish this was over. I'm always tired. I wish I could rest. I wish I was just dead. I'll never have friends. I'll never have someone that fucking loves me. I don't even love myself. It's painful to be alive, and to be reminded that I still don't know if I'm going to prison (Kuwait) or not. I can't sleep with the anxiety that I could be in the Middle East holding a gun. Fuck the Navy. I hate the Navy. I hate the entire organization.

I just don't understand how you can be a part of an organization that ENCOURAGES you to be honest to your "chain of command" (aka scumbag pieces of shit that just happened to be in the Navy longer than you) and when you are, when you HONESTLY tell them you feel suicidal in uniform, THEY DO NOTHING. I told them this 3 months before I was deployed to Kuwait. At the time I spoke these words, I told my Chief, "I can't wait to get out. Putting on this uniform makes me feel suicidal and worthless. I want to kill myself. I hate my life, I hate the way I look, it reminds me that once I was another useless face that meant nothing." Not only did he do NOTHING about this, one of the guys in my unit heard me say this and started calling me "suicidal Freddy!"

So 3 months later, when I was supposed to be out, they decided to deploy me to Kuwait. Of all fucking people. WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I HATE THE FUCKING NAVY! This is why people come back depressed, because you pieces of shit are only worried about paper work, making sure everyone is okay, and "ready to deploy" because it makes you look better you soulless fuck. I hope my chief burns in hell. I hate my fucking CO, I hate all the scumbags that resulted in this happening to me. I can't sleep at night. I feel like I should kill myself and make a fucking HUGE scene out of it just to spite these people. I should send letters to every congressman, every senator, every news outlet and say "I TOLD THE PEOPLE IN MY CHAIN OF COMMAND THAT I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF!" The only reason I was able to make it through was the hope that JULY was my last month, and my contract was over. That's when they told me I'm going to Kuwait.

If they send me, and give me a gun, I will shoot myself. I will do it and make sure I throw everyone under the bus on my way out. AND BY THAT, I do not mean that threatening. I mean that I will make sure everybody in the world knows that I confided to my chief, my CO, that I hated myself, and that I was depressed/suicidal while I was wearing uniform, and they kept me, deployable. They did nothing to avert what happened. I just don't get how you can treat someone like this.

I remember when I was depressed on active duty, how worthless I was. I never showered, I never came out of my room, I never did anything. I had a gun next to me once and all I kept thinking to myself was "dude, this can all be over right now. You can finally rest." and I stopped myself. This was a day before I had the panic attack that led to me being stripped of my weapons.

I just don't get it. I don't get how I can talk to a psych who recommends Prozac/Zoloft, and they still send me. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it.

And unless you've been in these shoes, don't judge. Don't comment. Don't think. You can't speak until you've walked a mile. Because I heard this one cunt say "I hate soldiers that run away from deployment! Dude, you signed a contract, live up to it!" WELL I SIGNED A FUCKING CONTRACT that said 4 years, followed by 4 years inactive RESERVES! On my 4th year, my unit told me YOURE GOING OVERSEAS! THAT'S NOT FUCKING INACTIVE!

Fuck the god damn military, I hate it. I will never shoot anyone but myself. I will never use a gun on a human being. I do not want to be in the position the fucking scumbag military puts us in, followed by the magnifying glass the piece of shit media places over our fucking heads. Shoot someone, protect your country, and they'll look to send your ass to jail. FUCK YOU, I'm already telling you I'm not in the mental state to fucking do this, and yet, you still want to send me? FUCK YOu"

Source: http://freddyboyz.blogspot.com/

I want to leave

"Lately, I'm not sure what's gotten into me but I'm starting to view how fake the world is. I despise the society we live in today; most girls are sluts, people lie, they're brainwashed, etc. I can list about a thousand + other things wrong with our society but this really makes me want to not exist. I sometimes want to kill myself and just move on from this world, hoping for something after death. I think people in the past were much more decent then the people of today. I'm not going to lie and say I'm an angel because I've sinned dozens of times.

I don't like talking to people because I find most of them really ignorant and mindless and I keep to myself a lot and only have a few close friends and the others I'll consider mutual. I don't have a problem with money or friends or girls or things like that, but I very much hate the world we all live in. I want to leave. Everyday I think about killing myself and leaving the world. I look past the "selfish" remarks people would typically give. I just want to go to some foreign country and be in peace. Somewhere where it's just me and people similar to me, nice people, smart people, honest people.

How do you guys feel about the way I think?"

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9qy18/todays_society_makes_me_want_to_die/

Behind this face who am I?

"On the outside I'm a grade A student and will probably go to Oxbridge, my parents have money, 3 houses and I holiday twice a year in exotic places like Dubai. On top of that I'm good looking and confident.

Behind this face who am I?

I hate school, I have no idea how I get the grades, I've insomnia and It's my fault, never been kissed, I blow away all my money, I'm bulimic, I'm scared of my own reflection, I'm not popular (any more), my cat hates me, the mean girls make me cry, I'm in love with a boy who's in love with a girl and I lied to him... I lied to everyone and told them I have friends when I don't... Am I going crazy? Yes... I need to stop self harming and taking pain killers or I'll kill myself... Is that what I want? Yes, No!"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=144024

Feels like this thing is being pierced through my heart and being twisted

"Emotionally. I’m dying in a very painful manner.

Feels like this thing is being pierced through my heart and being twisted

I’m making myself unhappy. I know that. I wanna stop. But somehow I can’t.

Depression

I think that’s what I’m going through. Depression. Feels like my heart stopped beating on purpose. To kill me slowly.

I’m going insane Lord. I really am.

My prayer: Dear Lord Jesus. It’s me. Kaichi here, a human being whom You said You would take care of properly, diligently. I have a problem here Lord. You know what I mean. My question is Lord, why? Why in the world do You give me such suffering or why do You let me dig my own hellhole? I’m trying to climb back up here. And yet….You always find things to make it harder. I’m not blaming you Lord, but if You’re trying to mould me as a The Clay Maker, You’re overdoing it I think. Lord, are You done? SPM is near Lord. I need to be prepared. I need to climb out of the hole. Lord, I know You can hear my prayers, its Your timing which until now I can’t comprehend. Your timing seems so wrong always Lord. Yet, You’re never wrong. I need Your wisdom Lord, help me understand what You want. Amen

PS: Lord, I really think You’re overdoing it.

No one but the Lord and I controls my own emotion.
But why can’t I control them now?
Answer: Depressed? Stressed? Emo?

I really don’t know what’s going on in me. Happy one moment, sad the other. Resentful one moment, understanding the other. I’m killing myself from the inside aren’t? I need Your help Lord. I need you all Mamak Geng. I need you all church peeps, I need all of you now.

I need you"

Source: http://kchi1992.blogspot.com/

Feeling Suicidal Can Anyone Help?

"know that sounds a bit dramatic but within the last two months my health has rapidly deteriorated. I was taking a hormonal drug for hair loss and came off in late December noticing dramatic side effects. Since then my skin has aged, I have chronic fatigue and panic attacks and worst of all I appear to be permanently impotent, or at least for a very long time going by others’ experience. I am 32 and it has come at a bad time as I had just started seeing a lovely woman, my personality has also changed somewhat as I get depression and anxiety and generally feel lifeless.
I read stories of other men and feel quite desperate as there seem to be few recoveries after several years. I don’t have many friends or family and have been off work a month. I stay in a bedsit. I’ve lost interest in music and sport and current afairs, things which used to get me going. I’m just in a panic thinking about the future. I’m my mum’s only child and now seem destined not to have a kid. The drug messes around with your hormones and makes you emotional, ages your body and causes great distress.
Does anyone have any good advice?"

Source: http://freeprovillusreview.com/880/feeling-suicidal-can-anyone-help/

I want to stop… but i can’t do it on my own

"You asked me once if my wounds healed.

They do, but only on the outside. I wonder if you’ve realized that on your own. I can’t find it in me to tell you that, and i don’t know why.

I would like them to, really. I want to stop…but i can’t do it on my own. I guess it’s because i’m such a weakling, huh?"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/09/diana/