I used to have plans, but now nothing

"i have hated life since the 1st grade.

I am only 12, but i have lived a life of extreme saddness

i have tried to kill my self about 10-12 times, yet each time there is something stopping me. I am very religious and i feel like god dose not care about me. He dose not want me here, but there is a reson i am here still. Right?

each time i try i try to stangle my self with either a knee high sock or rope. is there something that could helpme with that?

i am already going to a phycyatrist and i am on a 50 mg or 75 mg of zoloft

i tried prosac, it didnt work. i tried meditating like my aunt. still no results. sometimes i cut my self, yet i find it inconvinient if you just want to leave the face of the earth. Sometimes i say too much. once when with whom is now an enemy (used to be my best friend until one small coment), i blurted out that i was thinking about killing myself that very night. After that the only times she would talk to me was to just coment rude things about me, which im not sure i want to put on here.

Usually the one thing stopping me from dying, is a person. CONNOR. and ithink i might LOVE him. not middle school crush love, but actual love. Connor was with me the entire time through fifth grade up until now. i’ve never had the nerve to actualy tell him though…

but the people who make me feel like the most crap are all in my family.

my dad – he never pays any attention except every once in a while,

mom – she lies to me, she makes me want to run away every day.

my sister – sometimes she actually saves me, but she yells and screams at me, makes me feel like im not important.

i know what maybe all the people who read this may think “She dosent know what she is talking about! she is only twelve!”

i do know. i have an iq of 143. am i not smart? last year i ran for class tresurer, i got 10 vots because “im not smart enough” i am 4 foot 10, once again i am 12 obviously a reson i am teased.

once again i am 12, you may say i am only 12, but have you gone 4th grade with only 2 friends? well?

im only 12! i cant cope with it!

im also the type of person who thinks beauty isnt everything. so some mornings i go to school without brushing my hair. yet another reason i am teased.

im not sure with how much i can cope with at my age, with my life…

please if you care at all you would leave a comment telling me what i can do to change my life, make it better PLEASE.

i used to have plans, but now nothing"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/if-you-care-read/

Tired of playing this game we all call life

"The one thing I want out of life the most is to have a family of my own.A husband thats not a dickhead and kids.

I just dont want to be alone anymore.I was raped, yes.And I feel like nobody really believes me, they get mad and throw it in my face.Saying it was my fault.Yes people, I wanted a large dick shoved in my vagina against my will.seriously? They also throw that i'll be alone for the rest of my life in my face.but i'm trying to heal, trying to cope, trying to move on and live my life.

I want a bf, but like I just can 'put myself out there'.My 21st bday is coming up and everyone says they are going to help me find someone...but I dont want to find someone at a bar or club...like really? Idk, its like everyone of my friends is either prettier, skinnier, or more outgoing than me.I'm really shy...even before above said fiasco.

I just dont want to be alone.I've never actually had a real bf and i'm almost fucking 21! What to do?

I know they say the best things come in time, but really I have no luck.I have nothing going FOR me...like really.I'm tired of waiting.

tired of playing this game we all call life."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/alone/14330907/

I hate my self so much

"I woke up 2day and look in the miror and said 2my self “ur so ugly how culd any1 love or evan like u” and I got so angrey wid my self I smashed the miror luckaly my parents where asleep up steers coz if they new I broke it I wuld be in some deeper shit that I am already in now, y do I have 2 b ugly I hate my self so much I wish I culd just drop dead I’ve asked god 2 kill me but he never answered I almost kill myself last night with a knife but I chikend out see I’m also a big ugly fauila I can never do any thing there’s no point of me bing on this earth mayb I shuld overe dose myself with drugs!!!! No1 wuld care"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/shuld-i-just-do-it-now/

I shouldn't feel like this anymore

"hey guys im still alive

unfortunately

i drink alone at night now

and on two occasions now, girls have tried to hook up with me and i just lock up. it's been ten months since my last relationship and i don't even know how to handle it anymore. shrinks don't help me. i wish i could die but i'm not strong-willed enough to kill myself. and to everyone else, i am this huge perfectionist. i just want to be held and i'm a grown adult and i shouldn't feel like this anymore. i'm tired of faking happiness, i just want to get drugged into being happy cause at this point that's the only way i'm going to feel it."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/aghgm/aahahahahah/

I have a list of reasons I am shit and reasons my life is shit in my head

"I haven’t got a lot to say. I have had my ups and downs and, it seems, I only really feel the urge to write here when I’m either on a major downer or when I’m writing article-style to distract from a downer. I’m not the sort who writes when joy fills my soul. Those times are felt. Experienced. Lived.

So, deductively then, I must be on a major downer since I’m writing this. Yes. True.

I feel there is very little point to my life as of eight twenty-five pm, as I write this. By eight twenty-five pm tomorrow I have no idea if I will be feeling the same way or if my mind will be wandering down other avenues – I could be contemplating the relative merits of pickled beets over fresh. I don’t think I even realised that beetroot existed outside its purple-red vinegar drenched state until I was well into adulthood.

I have a list of reasons I am shit and reasons my life is shit in my head. I won’t bother writing them down because there’d be no point, as one of my main convictions right now (think we’ve moved on to eight-thirty pm now) is that there’s no point to my life and, surely, the corollary must then be that there’s no point to the reasons that point to my life having no point? At the very least no point in listing them. This is fun isn’t it?

I’m not going to kill myself. I have a pre-paid plane ticket to be in France for New Year’s. This by itself is not the whole reason I’m not killing myself. There are other reasons. Like, for instance I’m really busy being morose at the moment. It’s taking up all my time and energy and I like to put my all into a project once I get going. I’m just so busy being maudlin I cannot envisage creating a space in my schedule for suicide. I admit that’s not very forward-thinking of me."

Source: http://depressionetal.wordpress.com/

I am 17 and i want to jump off the bridge

"i want to kill myself so badly. i dont want to be alive. but i cant hurt my family. i don't want to do this to my mom and dad, but i really cant bare to live anymore. i am 17 and i want to jump off the bridge"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=169845

This sounds bad but I feel that the best choice for me and the baby is death

"This is kinda a sob story but I need some advice.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant and suffer from clinical depression. My pdoc and I decided that antidepressants would be good for me because of the depression and I’m currently taking 100mg of Zoloft. But the thing is that I feel no better. I guess you could say I’m better because I’m not constantly crying but that doesn’t mean much to me. I am unable to work because of the depression and schizo affective disorder…which means money if so tight that I can’t even buy shampoo when I need it. I’ve had to sell my books to make money to buy toilet paper and pay for a co-pay to visit a doctor. I’ve tried talking to the father of the baby but he wants nothing to do with me or the baby. I’m to the point where nothing seems to be ok and I feel that the future is just going to get worse and worse. The voices are getting louder and the shadow people are showing up everywhere. This sounds bad but I feel that the best choice for me and the baby is death. I don’t want the baby in a world where no one is willing to help out when it’s needed. I’ve tried getting cash assistance but I’ve been denied because apparently making nothing but what SSDI pays me is too much.

Here’s the thing. I’ve honestly been thinking about suicide a lot lately and I know that I should get help but why? The hospital, altho helpful, isn’t going to fix the problem. They might even decide to take the baby away if I make it to birth. I don’t want to lose the baby…and yes I know that contradicts my thoughts that the baby shouldn’t live in a world where no one will help out.

Geez I sound so pathetic. There are so many people out there who are worse off than I am and I want to kill myself…hahaha.

I’ve tried calling the clinic where I receive psychiatric help but I’m not allowed to have my pdoc’s office phone number and the nurse that is there never answers the phone. I leave messages but she still hasn’t gotten back with me and the last message I left was on Wednesday. I’m at my wits end.

My family, altho they said they’d help me with anything, lied. They won’t help buy food or shampoo. They won’t give me money for gas to put in my car. They think I’m making up the mood disorder and the voices and what not for attention. My older brother sent me a message on Facebook saying "Get a job and exercise." Family isn’t an option.

And before you say go to the hospital, I have disappointed my family by going to the hospital before and they’ve told me that I’d be a bigger disappointment if I went again.

I just don’t know what to do. The fact that I never sleep anymore doesn’t help. I’ve tried everything there. From changing my sleep patterns and hygiene to drinking warm milk and sleepytime tea. I’ve even been taking unisom because I can’t take insomnia meds. (I’m diagnosed with insomnia BTW).

What advice can you give me that might help.

Thanks
BTW, I’m unable to work because of my disabilities. If I didn’t mention that I am now. Please don’t suggest I get a job because I CAN’T work."

Source: http://insomniacurehomeremedy.com/2392/pregnant-and-depressed-please-read/

I have suicidal thoughts

"All my life (im 22) Ive had a short attention span,trouble concentrating and have been very attention seeking, also my mum used to be horrible to me, call me horrible things,put me down alot,break my things,pick on me etc, when i got to 18 i moved out and began sofa surfing until i lived in several hostels, dabbled with drugs and alcohol not working, i got depressed and started self harming, i also had a terrible rage inside me, an anger at the world and everything. At 20, I met my now boyfriend, before him, my relationships only ever lasted a month, i used to get bored and didnt want to be tied down, but things grew and now we have been together for two years.We love each other but our relationship has been terrible, my anger,mood swings,jealousy depression has caused big fights between us, i cant take criticism,it makes me lose control for some reason, and i also have no self confidence or esteem which has led to me always beleiveing he will run off with a better woman.Im immature,i can be selfish too.I started to have cognitive behaviour therapy and when we got to my last session, the therapist said i am very sure you have adhd. You display all the symptoms for it, but we need to get you diagnosed. But then i moved house and had to have a new doctor, i went to see the new doctor and told her this and she read my notes and my therapist had written nothing about the adhd! so now im stuck becuase i really need help, all the while i am not being treated,i self harm, i have suicidal thoughts,im ok one minute,then i act like a monster, throwing things,punching things, screaming,shouting,always craving attention, and my boyfriend loves me,hes dealt with this the whole time but i can see and he can see that the love is slowly dieing.If i lose him, i will lose everything.I dont have many friends anymore,not very close to my family.I feel so alone and oneday he will leave all becuase im a nasty person and i cant control myself,I dont know what to do! i just want to kill myself becuase if i will go through life losing the ones i love all the time whats the point?"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/ADHD/what-can-i-do-to-beat-this/

My life is over

"I'm gay. I'm. 16 and I switched schools because I hated my school. People at my old school started rumors I was gay and ironicaly I am gay. Well I go to my new school and it starts out great. I make friends yada yada yada.... Until someone at my old school told someone at my new school I was gay. Now everybody believes it. Today my friend asked if I was gay. I'm just depressed. I feel worthless. I want to try and kill myself. I'm close to that. I don't know whatelse to do. I feel as if my life is over and it's happening in front of me and I can't do anything to stop it....help... V-V "

Source: http://breakkup.com/with-me/depressed-worthless/

How i wish that i was dead

"im evolved around friends whom are very interesting to me... some annoying, some super shy, some talkative, some jokeful.... but it never come to my mind that some are weak that they tend to commit suicide as in kill them in order to live a peaceful live.... a friend of mine nearly did that on saturday night stating words of leaving this world making everyone panic and making me awake in the night while i was sleeping....

due to one break up it means end of the world to them.... i know i have no rights to say this but he is a guy and dont you think commiting sucide just for a guy you broke up with and what is more you yourself is a guy too *GAY* i would say this as rubbish... im not trying to make things worst but all this is really not worth it.... my friend told me that he has been trying to eat pills in order to sleep.... plan failed and now plan B.... what is this man... got up went on9 again and comfort him and tell him is not worth it and bla bla bla.... in the end i screwed him for doing such thing..... i shared with him my experience and all he said was sorry

at points i do have sucidal thoughts in me.... how i wish that i was dead now and to forget what is going on.... what im facing..... i do not only one suicidal thought but bountiful of them.... when im depressed i tend not to eat... make myself sick so that i wont be able to go out and meet ppl.... lock myself and just concentrate on my problems.... and in the end i not only hurt myself but the people around me....

if i wasnt a christian i might have just killed myself.... but thankfully i am and with the help of friends... i manage to get out of it.... anyway carving myself was actually part of my suicidal though hmmmmm but it leads to a scar which cannot be removed unless i purchased some scar removal product....

at times ppl do fall and that is when ppl need encouragement.... at times ppl success and hence pride comes which makes others dislike.... for more reason we need to be humble and balance it up.... it is a month of happiness as christmas is coming.... i do not wanna go through a month of crying and emoness around me..... MOVE ON PPL~~~~"

Source: http://boonmo.livejournal.com/11896.html

I see my destiny in death

"I'm a 14 years old fat boy I hate my life so much people always telling me that I have good feelings and (bla, bla, bla)`i have been regret by so many people in cluding my friends.One day we where planing a dance and the teacher gave me a couple that regret me because I was fat and he told the teacher that for dance with me she would ance with other fat guy in the class room.Since that day io feel depresive I have been thinking in death so many times.Since that moment I think in the past and I reaction that people have always been rejecting me.I have cut my-self I tried to kill with pills and I really dont feel good.I get depresive when people are apologyzing cause I know they dont care about my life.I really want to die and dont know what to do can someone gave me a recomendation please.I don't care for my life anymore I have visit profesional help and nothing please people help me.And I don't want people that tell me not to do it just need some people to share them stories and gave recomendations.I listen gothic music heavy metal I listen everything that put me down plz someone help me

If u guys know about my life u would say is a perfect life I have a girlfriend that I love 2 much I love my family I have 2 cousins one of 5 years old and the other 2 years =) but ultimately I'm always depressed I don't wanna live where I'm leaving I wanna get out of this country I have a grandmother that I love with all my heart the whole family of my dad and mom love me I have almost everything but I dont know why i'm always waning 2 kill my self I still listen that music wi m not dead because I dont have the strengh 2 kill myself because I know what I'm gonna do to killl my self and just that family and everything that I have keep me alive but I wanna die 100% I know I would hurt a lot of people but I see my destiny in death and I'm gonna think it again I think I would kill next week =( I was emo"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/idk-just-read-and-comment/14330141/

I'm losing faith

"Ok. I have been struggling with depression since 7th grade. I've been out of school for 4 years now and it's worse than ever. I've even managed to come up with some pretty severe anxiety too. I wouldn't say I'm SEVERELY depressed ALL the time but when I have "episodes" as I call them ... I fall so deep into a depression, suicide is my only thought. I can only wonder ... how long will it keep going like this? We're trying two medications at once and it's still not helping. I'm losing faith in medication and therapy ... is there nothing else? What can I do???"

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8598311-im-sad

I'm just getting myself more and more stuck and there doesn't seem to be a way out

"I'm so sick of life. I just feel more and more depressed all the time and I feel so lonely as well. I just want to kill myself. I can't be bothered with anything... it all seems so pointless to me. I'm probably not going to get anywhere anyway I'm too lazy...

I feel like a failure anyway... even when I do try my hardest at things something always ends up going wrong anyway and I fail miserably. Then I just feel like a disappointment and I feel like crying. I don't see how anythings going to get better for me anyway since I have no motivation to do anything other than sleep.

People on ep have told me to get help get counseling and whatever but I can't. That's just... kind of scary and I'm to shy to speak up about it. No matter how hard I try words won't come out of my mouth.

I don't know what to do anymore... I'm just getting myself more and more stuck and there doesn't seem to be a way out."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=167975

I hate my life

"I’m sad. I hate my life. I only have a few friends and most of them don’t like me that much.



This morning, I left an umbrella outside on my school bus stop as I climbed onto the bus. I thought my grandma would come and get it like she always did but she didn’t. She screamed at me when I came home. I feel that my entire family hates me, especally my brother. He curses at me and calls me stupid everyday.



"I have a strange fear. I am afraid of everything my brother touches and things that touch that and so on. I see those things as dirty. I won’t even go into my bed anymore. Nobody ever goes into my room but my bed is ‘dirty’ so I sleep sitting on a chair in the closet.



I am a christiann ever since I was born but when I started to go to church everyweek, I started to hate God. My family doesn’t know.





I feel that I have ruined my life and I want to commit suicide and finish it for all."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/sad/

The End

"Right at this moment, I can at least think about it. However a few days ago, I was about ready to go through with dying. I was so depressed that my mind hurt, that I could almost not think of anything else but a way out. Every new day feels like I just trying to distract myself, like I am procrastinating what I need to do. Everything has been wrong for a long time, and its been getting worse lately, to make a longer story short.

I haven't told any of my friends really. (don't have a very close relationship to family) I have told my girlfriend I am depressed, and hinted to other friends that I am suicidal and/or depressed, but I think they think I am joking...I joke around a lot. I am afraid to tell them, because if I actually do tell them then when they realize how serious I am, they will probably begin a series of events that will lead me to being hauled off to some sort of suicide watch ward. I am not sure exactly how likely I am to go through with it...but I guess I am serious enough that I don't want to cut out any options at this point.

To be truthful, I am scared. I am scared of what would happen if I were sent to a ward, or whatever you want to call it. I feel like it would be humiliating. I do not think I could control who all found out. On the other hand, death would just be sweet release. Nothingness. The End.

I am not really sure what I am trying to say, actually. I don't know what I expect. In real life, I have become so accustomed to acting normally even though I am far from OK, that I find it hard to even talk about feeling this way. I tried a couple times. It doesn't feel natural, it feels like I would be talking about somebody else. I don't know how to describe it.

But here I am."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/acow1/thinking_about_going_through_with_it_tbh/

I'm trying very hard

"I have been diagnosed many things, including bipolar and depression and what not. After suffering my whole life, i don't think i have bipolar, where as i have a mood disorder with symptoms of depression. I frequently want to kill myself, and rarely try anymore.

I'm too scared that i will spend eternity in hell if i commit suicide, and untill i know that i won't burn forever, i wont do it.

I'm trying very hard. I have beaten of a 5 year battle with dope and booze, as well i have quit smoking for 3/4 of a year. I try to better myself everyday, but i still am dealing with short intense depressions that make me want to kill myself. I feel like i always am depressed, but really i have low self esteem and years of bad thinking patterns. I am a cool guy i guess, but i still don't quite believe it. I work everyday on thinking 'correctly' about myself and life in general, but its being a battle.

if anyone else has a similar experience feel free to contact me if you want to work on getting better togethter, or if you just want to tell me something. I would like to help."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Battle-Depression/809122

Sorry

"i find i use listening to sad music as a way of being accessing my thoughts and emotions. i try block them out and have found the key to doing that is to listen to happy music only. but i have recently found about 4 really nice songs but they are sad and about people dying and commit suicide. it makes me sad but i find its only in the times that i get so extremely low that im condidering suicide i am able to acually acess what it is i feel. lik when i wrote the list of reasones to go, it wasnt a list of just why to go but a list of problems and its the list that when professionals ask my to say in therapy i have never ever been able to say to anyone.
so at one point of view its great i can finally access my true feelings and write them out in some way to give to the professionals but at same time i also just about ready to kill myself. there isnt really any half way ground either with the music.
i just dont know, i know you have to get worse to get better but i feel its dangerous bussiness. my crisis team appear to have left me now for some reasone just stoped calling and stuff and i only get my therapy once every two weeks , i just feel so alone in doing this.

i guess i dont really know the point in this post becasue im waffling but i just feel alone in trying to figure whats wrong with me.

sorry."

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8584059-processing-thoughtssad-music

I'm just so tired and fed up now... its all becoming too hard

"I'm still alive, just haven't been posting.

Things in my previous post didn't go as badly as I thought they would. The CPA meeting went alright although I was unbelievably anxious. Lots of reports about my past and how I come to be in the hospital were read out which was uncomfortable for me but I managed to cope.
I tested positive for Dissociative Identity Disorder which wasn't a big surprise although the therapist would like to continue with observations.
My main concern was about when we would start the trauma work. It was decided that I'm not strong enough to deal with the trauma at the moment, and given the fact that it will take a long time they think its best to just help me deal with every day life. I'm disappointed with the decision. I don't wait until I'm strong enough because what if I ever won't be? And what if it is years before I'm strong enough? I want to start it all now so I can get on with my life. *Sigh*
Everyone Else's concern was what will happen when I turn 18 in January. My local adolescent mental health team are looking into what the adult services may be able to offer and of course there is the concern of if I will be able to cope at home or will I have to try and get funding to be moved to an adult ward. None of those queries have been answered so I've been left feeling like after Christmas there is nothing - I can't see a future because I don't know what the possibilities are.
But in general it was a good meeting and everyone was pleased to see that I was working so hard.

I've felt really low the last few weeks and if I am honest, I've been suicidal. I haven't made any plans, but I've had thoughts.
I've not been sleeping well, I got too used to the sleeping tablets and they stopped working. On one night I had less than three hours sleep in total. Anyone knows, that if you don't have depression and you suffer from insomnia that it can make you very run down and low enough as it is... so the depression and all the other things I'm trying hard to cope with has just made it almost unbearable.
I've just been so tired that I became tired of fighting to get better. I wanted (and suppose still want) to just give up. I'm too tired to care. I don't have the energy to cope anymore. I can't see a future and I can't be bothered with it.
Although I've been feeling so shit I have been making the effort to use distraction techniques. When I was first admitted mum brought me a word search puzzle book and I have been doing them a lot this week - so much that I brought two more today in town. I've also been able to ask for medication when things become too over-whelming but before I'm allowed it I have to tell staff how I'm feeling (not necessarily why but just so they are aware) so its all helpful...

I've been switching a lot this week. Last week I was switching a lot in the evenings but this week its been during the day as well. I think its taken a while for everybody to get used to being in such a different environment, especially one that leaves them quite exposed if they came out and its away from Gareth who has become their (and my) safety net. I think perhaps having a confirmed diagnoses of DID has made them feel a bit safer in the knowledge we can safely say that we're not making it up.
I don't always have good communication with the others, or I forget to ask them something so on the back of my door I've put up a piece of paper and left notes for the alters. They've written back which is interesting to see their different handwriting. Jade apparently made my bed and Lilly has at some point been out but both of which I don't know when. I brought a notebook today so that the notes can continue but in a little bit more private - if I have visitors I don't want them reading everything.

Its nearly Christmas which means I will be seeing my Dad's side of the family a lot again. They will ask what have I been up to, and how college is going and every thing like that. I want to tell them so much that actually I've been in a mental hospital for the last 2 months, I try to kill myself regularly and I have multiple personality disorder because I've been abused so much. I want it out of attention from them. I want it because I want to see if they actually care about me. And last of all, I want it because I'm so fucking sick of saying "oh you know, not up to much really, just the usual". I want to tell people the fucking TRUTH about ME! For once I want them to care about ME!!! ME!! Why does it always have to be about them! Why can't they worry about me for once in their fucking lives! *takes a deep breath*
Mum doesn't want anyone to know, because she thinks it will cause more shit for me as certain family members may be nasty about it and use it against me. It kinda feels like shes ashamed of me and my problems sometimes... *sigh* I'm just sick of having to hide who I really am when I'm at home or around family... when at hospital I have to learn all over again to let people see me.... its just hard and I'm tired of pretending... and its actually making me feel lonely because I feel like I have no one to talk to or relate to.

I'm just so tired and fed up now... its all becoming too hard."

Source: http://beautifuldisaster-sparkle.blogspot.com/

Me = Pain

"How should I kill myself.?... I know my family lost a lot of love for me. I am starting to accept that. All I know of now is I want to put the loved ones around me out of pain. Me= Pain. Can someone just be honest with me, and tell me the least painful way to put myself out of pain, I would like to die peaceful in my my bed. My Mother got tooth surgery and was given painkillers, Ketorolac is the pills they are called. Would this work?"

Source: http://mentalhealthcares.blogspot.com/2009/12/how-should-i-kill-myself.html

It would be nice to talk to someone who understands me

"Ummm..... Okay how do I start this.... Well im depressed and ive been dealing with alot in my life right now. I've attempted suicide and I cut myself. I have not told any of my family and only told like one friend. I read some of this stuff posted on here about depression and self harm. but im not getting any of it. They all say the same thing and that is to tell someone and/or to stop and how it is not good for you and how there are alternatives. Well.. I hate to sound mean and im not trying to but really dont speak inless you know how we feel. Because It's not right I know how I feel and I feel there are no alternatives.

I dont feel like any of these people had mentioned about why people cut themselves and why they self harm. Well if you want to know the truth about why we do it you can ask me. But i need help which is why I kind of came here. So if you know how I feel and really actually care then could you like message me... It would be nice to talk to someone who understands me. I need to vent. I write poetry too which is how i get some of my anger or depressinon out. But if you are interested in helping someone. Im here please I would love to talk and maybe I can help you with something too. But please???"

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/85894-maybe-i-need-life-help.html

I'd like to divorce myself

"I don't know whether it's the damn fuck-fucking holidays, the fact that my court date for the divorce is hanging over my head (with no immediate end in sight), the fact that I can't lose weight to save my life, despite adding some exercise in, or what the fucking-fuck, but SB's ass is in a funk. Sorry folks, but that's what you get for being a regular reader of a blog written by a moody manic-depressive asshole.

I actually called yesterday to catch up with a good friend, who I have been out of touch with for months now, and at some point in the conversation, this friend said, "You sound really angry." This was after I explained to her not to take my out-of-touchness personally and that I haven't been doing much of anything--just getting through the damn work day and going home to the cats.

I had another old friend try to make plans to get together with me before the holidays the other day, and I told her there was no way and scheduled dinner in January.

I was really happy when I first moved out of my marital home, but now I am just energy-less and depressed. I guess divorce (even when you know it's totally necessary) is still like grieving a death. I am in the anger phase now, motherfuckers. I am pissed off that this court date is hanging over us--I just want to have it done with. Frankly, I felt divorced the day I signed the lease on the new digs. It was over when I moved my shit out. All this court bullshit is just dredging everything back up again. I am extremely pissed off that the government is involved in my personal relationship. Those fuckers even get to tax my paltry settlement check. So, yeah, I guess I am angry.

The Moms pissed me off by hanging up on me, and I haven't spoken to her in about three weeks now. I am mad that when I could really use the support, she had the fucking sheer brattiness to hang up on me. If a motherfucker hangs up on SB, SB does NOT call back. You teach a bitch how to treat you. The Moms always says that, and it is correct, and now she is learning it too.

This is it boys and girls. This is about as personal as SB cares to get. I just wanted all of you fuckers to know that I am not feeling very funny currently, and the posts may be somewhat sporadic.

For those of you that have my phone number or e-mail, this is NOT a plea for support. I really just want to be left alone to work through this. It will pass. Everything does.

Some random thoughts this morning. (Lucky you!)

1) Was Catherine Zeta-Jones sorry she married Michael Douglas, because basically, her ass sacrificed a semi-promising career to marry that Pepaw? Do they live in unadulterated bliss? Was it worth it? (I told you motherfuckers I think REALLY deep thoughts in the morning. I just can't turn the shit off.)

2) I don't believe in the kind of soul-mate passionate love assholes depict in the movies. I really don't.

3) I have lost my goddamn JOY in life, and I wish whoever took that shit would fucking give it back.

4) If I have to endure one more gray rainy pre-winter day, I am going to kill myself. (I actually said this to the dog this morning. In return, she farted. And it dawned on me that THAT fucking response was about as meaningful as anything man has come up with in thousands of years. The Buddha would have farted in response, too. That's about how meaningful this life is. There is no meaning besides what we subscribe to things.)

5) My khaki work pants have gotten so fucking tight, that after I zippered and buttoned them, I had to yank them the fuck up HARD (which momentarily hurt my moneymaker), or I would have come to work with plumber's crack. I threw a long sweater on to cover that shit up. Said sweater accentuates my fat overfed American ass.

[I would continue here with the chain of thought, but you get the picture. Some days, my own cynicism makes me want to throw up. I'd like to divorce myself.]"

Source: http://sarcastbastard.blogspot.com/

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m finished. I’m done. I think I’ll just exit stage left.

"It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I’m finished. I’m done. I think I’ll just exit stage left. I can’t deal with this bullshit of life anymore. I’m originally from the East Coast – Maryland, but I’m now living on the West Coast – California. I came out here because I was tired of my parents after high school, so I just left and tried to carve my own path – unsuccessfully. Throughout my life and up to high school since I graduated last year I have been treated like crap. I got no respect whatsoever in school. Every girl I knew rejected me even to go to the Senior Prom. I ended up not going.
All my friends went to college, while I didn’t. They lived out their dreams. I just ended up coming out here, miles away from an unsatisfactory existence in my old hometown. I thought I’d be happier here, but I’m not.
I’ll never forget when I told my parents I was driving to California to start a new life. My dad was reading the newspaper, and he was like “ok.” And continued. My mom was like “have fun.” When I left, they said goodbye. No hugs, no kisses. I’ve been in California since July of last year. The road trip was fun. I got no phone calls, no letters, no nothing from my parents. I haven’t talked to them since I left I guess it was true, they don’t like me. Apparently, I heard my grandpa say “Good riddance” and my parents basically said the same thing plus they’re glad I’m gone and out of their way.
Now, I work for a computer company out here in Silicon Valley, it’s alright. I can afford my own apartment and such. I still get treated like crap, even at work. I get disrespected so much by my coworkers.
This really beautiful chick I had my eye on for a while rejected me too and told me she was single, but ended up accepting another guy who asked her out after me.
Live just continues to suck. It seems like there’s nothing good that can come out of life anymore. I look at all these people who have great lives and I just envy them. I never got to have that. I never will. I can’t see how some people can be so happy by life. It sucks. It’s meaningless.
So, I proposed a solution. Since I’m 19, I went and got a gun. It’s a really powerful gun. I plan to just obliterate myself with it. Then this crappy life will be over and it will be great. Nonexistence is alot better than trying to survive this hell, day to day. There’s no point in living. My parents SURE don’t give a damn about me. I have no friends. I have no concrete reason to continue living. I have no hope.
I’ll just merge a bullet with my brain and then I’ll die here, 2000 miles away from home.
I don’t believe in God anymore either, so don’t give me that crap of “I’m going to hell”. I stopped believing in God last year.
I just felt like I needed to get this off of my chest before the end."

Source: http://siliconvalley10.cityspur.com/2009/12/01/i-cant-deal-with-this-anymore-2/

I haven't been getting that many answers and it's just eating away at me

"Please answer this. I haven't been getting that many answers and it's just eating away at me. I know it's long. Tomorrow's my therapist appointment and I've been thinking a lot this past week if I should just stop seeing my therapist and psychiatrist all together. I've been seeing them since the summer and there hasn't been any change... But maybe the reason there hasn't been any change is b/c I don't need to change b/c there's nothing wrong with me. The only reason I started seeing them is b/c I have been meaning to kill myself and tried to a few times before. So I just think it'd be easier to not want to kill yourself than to continuously try to and be scared to when you try. So I just think I'm going b/c of that and not b/c I have an actual psychological problem... Well if any of you have a psychological disorder (such as depression, bipolar, BPD...) can you let me know EXACTLY how you feel and if you think I may be feeling the same things as you and am justified in saying that I have this disorder. I just sometimes feel that my psychiatrist is humoring me when she tells me I have a problem... But anyway... Some of the things that may qualify as 'not normal' about me are:

- Constant suicidal thoughts
- Usual 'low' mood
- I always feel worthless and hate myself and am disgusted by myself (probably my biggest problem)
- I can get very excited very easily over small stupid things (such as eating a certain meal) and can get very depressed very easily over small stupid things (such as a friend 'jokingly' making fun of my thumbs) - this usually happens once or twice every two weeks or so
- I NEVER let anyone know how I'm feeling especially if they're feelings of sadness
- I'm extrememly protective over all my stuff

Ok that's how I am now. One of the main reasons I doubt I'm depressed is b/c 5 years back when I was 13, my problems were A LOT worse, so they just seem really insignificant and dialed down now. I used to have depressive episodes every night with a lot of crying, had 3 panic attacks that year, had manic episodes most mornings, was very paranoid, delusional (and so, did not trust anyone for 'help'), and I thought I could hear and see things. So, I think part of the reason I'm acting this way now is maybe b/c I miss how it was back in grade 8, which I found to be my best and worst year. This isn't something sudden that's come back this year, though. It's just died down after grade 9.

So, do you guys think there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm doing this all for attention? That's something that I consider a lot and I think my therapist and psychiatrist think so to. Plus, the more I'm starting to see them the more I realize that they're starting to make me feel a lot worse about myself. Have any of you experienced this with any of your psychiatrists or therapists? If you have, did changing the psych or therapist help or was it solely your problem?"

Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091130214825AAgrkws

For real this time

"record this moment as lowest of lows. really sick with some sort of flu thing, stayed home from school today...er college. and me and my boyfriend were discussing something important and now hes ignoring both me and the discussion we had previously. i think i am so depressed right now id kill myself. for real this time."

Source: http://tenwilgetufive.livejournal.com/

I plan on shutting these voices for good...M1A1 a true friend

"amist all the shit...I finally got the blogspot to work on the pda. yeah, but not really. whoopity fucking doo. I hate this technological crap. help me I can't see the network drive, my computer crashed again, my calls aren't being forwarded to me cell phone. Oh my God really? you think that people using a computer every day would have a little common sense. oh well... I guess I need a job. I think I am going to go and try to enlist again. Maybe Scott can pull some strings. I got the official college credit sheet now.

we will see...looking forward to this weekend. one way or another this shit life is going to end. and I don't believe it is going to pretty.

actually. sometimes I want 2 burn on the outside as much as the empty burns from lonileness fuel on the inside. this empty eating eating driving my dreams of things I can't yet have. I yearn for the touch of one that may never come. the desicrated sooul I have become from the blackest hate I receive. the mis leading hypocracy games played by the ones they say they love me...games played out of love is useless..the voices in my head screaming the hatefull words and jugement you have done. I plan on shutting these voices for good...M1A1 a true friend. I believe I will take a vacation to either alaska or antartica. they are no human enemies at negative 50 degrees. soooo.... "

Source: http://td3scott.blogspot.com/

I don't even give a fuck anymore. Just kill me now.

"ended up in hospital last week. soooo disappointed in not succeeding this time. i thought for sure it would work.
it's been up and down since then, almost manic-depressive. i'm probably misdiagnosed.
i don't even give a fuck anymore. just kill me now."

Source: http://depressedless.blogspot.com/

I chose post-Easter because I didn't want to ruin any major holidays

"I will kill myself.
I know my family will hurt, but the other people I know will move on and be okay.My friends will forget about me.And things will be normal again, I hope.

The thought of hurting my family, and the cost of my funeral, is the main reason I haven't offed myself already.

I know I'm selfish, but...I just can't be here anymore.

I chose post-Easter because I didn't want to ruin any major holidays."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/after-easter-2010/14328615/

I just want to permanently lose consciousness

"I'm bipolar and I've been getting more and more depressed recently. My therapist (who I really like) wants to end sessions because I'm not really making any progress.

There's a girl I had a really good relationship with for a while who now wants to "just be friends" but still wants me to sleep with her, just not have any real relationship. I'm terrified of rejection so I can't bring myself to meet anyone new. I really need people though so I still do stuff with her even though I feel terrible about wasting my time with something that can't go anywhere.

I've spent most of this past week trying to stay asleep just so I won't think about things. After going a fair amount of time without cutting myself last week I started again and I did a lot today. I've been taking over the counter sleeping pills just to keep reality at bay (I know how insanely stupid that is). I'll go a day or so without eating because I just feel sick to my stomach all the time. I spend a lot of time fantasizing about being dead and know exactly how I should do it. The only reason I have for not just killing myself is what it would do to my sister. I love her more than anything but I hate my life. I have to stick around just so I don't disappoint her. All I want anymore is to have a few close relationships with other people but I'm too afraid of them hating me to even talk to them.

I just want to permanently lose consciousness so I won't have to deal with all the stuff I'm so scared of. I don't have any personal reason to stay alive anymore.

I've posted here way too much so mods feel free to delete this."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a882w/i_just_want_to_quit/

I’ve lost any hope of living a happy life

"I’m depressed. I don’t see any point in life anymore. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and yet I still can’t sleep at night. Whenever I do get a few hours sleep my dreams are always strange and unsettling, which leave me worried and anxious. I never feel happy. Nomatter how I try and distract myself with things such as voluntary work, guitar, studying, my friends, I still feel so depressed and most of the time I loathe myself. I loathe everything about me. From the way I look, to all the things I have failed at, to everything I’ve ever done that has hurt someone. I hate the things I think. It’s not normal to want to kill yourself every hour of every day. I know that.

I know that it’s treatable, but in my family theres not one person who’s been totally cured of their mental illness. My father has been on antidepressants for years now, my Granda has suffered from chronic depression and S.A.D. My Grandas sister was bipolar, and a poorly controlled one at that. I’ve had two suicides in my far out family circle and yet no one has ever been cured. I mean, looking at my family history doesnt leave me with much hope. While it’s true that medicine may come up with a proper cure for depression someday, I’m not sure if I’ll be around to see that day.

I know that suicides not the answer. It’s a permanent end to a temporary problem. But my temporary problem seems to have been with me all my life. I attempted suicide for the first time when I was 13/14 I can’t remember my actual age. But as far back as when I was 9 and 10, I might have been playing or having fun, but I would feel sad. For no reason. My clearest memory of that is when I was on a school trip in primary school, I might have been 9 or 10 at the time and we went to a swimming pool/adventure place. I remember me standing in the water, with all my friends, and really feeling sad. And I still don’t know why. It was like a heartbreaking sadness, like one that makes you tear up and want to cry.

Ever since I was a little kid I’ve loved books, I love immersing myself in another world, in another person’s life for a few hours. I try and escape from the drudgeries of this life by reading fantasy novels, daydreaming about things and generally tuning the world out. When I was in primary school I was bullied because of my love of books and the way I never used to be involved in any of the fun or badness the other children were up to. Because I was different in this way, I got picked on for two years, in p4 and p5, where I would have been 7 or 8years old. Even now I’d nearly rather read a good book than go out and get wasted in some nightclub somewhere.

Because of the bullying, I had very few, if any friends for two years. Even now I find it hard to read people. I don’t know when someone is angry at me or just tired. Whether they’re laughing at me or with me. And as I’m so paranoid, I usually end up taking things the wrong way and starting an argument. Nowadays I have a few pretty good friends. I have a large enough social circle-people I’d chat to, but wouldn’t count as friends I could talk to about anything meaningful.

I don’t know. I feel so sad and depressed all the time. It’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. Somedays I have been doing something like ironing or studying, and I just feel so sore both inside my head, my heart and my chest. And then I can’t stop crying. It feels like I’ve actually slowed down, both mentally and physically. Even my parents have noticed, sayin how I’m so slow doing things etc.

I get really angry too. At myself mostly, which then is deflected into anger towards people around me, mostly my family. It makes me feel guilty that I get so angry with them for stupid things, when I know that it’s really my problem, not theirs. I’m starting to lose hope. I’ve lost any hope of living a happy life. I can’t even remember the last time I was really happy to be honest. I can’t see myself having any sort of a future, in anything. I’m only 19, and yet for the last 9 or 10 years of my life, I have wanted to be dead. My family would be better off without me, my friends wouldn’t really notice me gone anyway, apart from a couple, and I don’t contribute anything to anyone at all anyway.

I’m depressed

Midge"

Source: http://anotherteenagemisfit.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/no-title/

I have a really good feeling about dying now

"I walked in the rain today, I always thought I would die on a sunny day, not hot, just sunny… the first warm day in spring yeah, I feel like I’m choking, I felt a lot this way lately, I was just too numb today and yesterday like my mind is washed out and there’s only one idea that keeps buzzing my mind, I can’t even breath well lol, I didn’t have a good day in a long time, I’m cracking my head trying to remember when was the last good day I had, but I can’t and it makes me sad… I waned to recall something good or happy, I don’t even know why…

so forget about that, the last time I wished for something to happen was last week, I wished that I could take back last year…. just live one day of the last year once again, and I wouldn’t change anything… last year I thought I was having the worst days in my life, but compared to now they were the best, really, I wish I could take back one day, just one day, I wouldn’t change a single action that I did, but I would only do one thing, I would enjoy that day, and then I would come back and tell you guys that that was the last good day I had… I just want to live one day of last year, to take back a moment and hold on to it… because that’s what I missed in life, enjoyment, for good or bad, I bet no one knows what the hell am I saying, I don’t expect you to… I don’t even know why I’m posting here, isn’t ironic?!,,, on my last day I just post to a bunch of people that I don’t even know…

I don’t even have anything to say, I’m trying to spend the time so I wont puke, I’ve to focus on something else, I wish I had someone to talk to… someone that would understand how I feel, but there’s no one really, only my boyfriend and if I talked to him… I’d never make it to death XD I would keep crying and feel weak, and I’m sick of crying and/or being weak…I’m just too in love with him… but I can force myself to be cold sometimes and bury my heart no problem, I wish I knew him way longer before I actually did, not that it would change anything but it would at least be a good thing, I don’t know how to say that, but it would be a good thing to have him,

I have a really good feeling about dying now, it’s serial, weird, I hope with all my heart and soul that it’s true, I feel so cold and sick but maybe I’m nervous and I don’t know, I just, my mind seems to be unable to process anything right now, at all, I’m thinking if I lived after I would suffer from a sever emotional and mental breakdown… I know that feeling very well, I’d be nothing but a ghost… a black light

and to God “FUCK YOU!!!” with all my heart… well yeah I feel like there’s a God, I don’t know how to describe that feeling but yeah he’s there I can feel that, but Fuck him! I’ll never believe in him, not for a single day, what’s the use of a bitchy God?! seriously not a single mother fucker comments here telling about God though I probably wont get to read that, even if I lived I wont give a fuck to read anything, or post but not a single mother fucker comments to this post talking about your God and his tests and crap, God is a mother fucker and I will never believe he’s fair to his creatures or whatever the hell you call him… what did I do?… what did I do to be raised to hate? what did I do to have depressive genes?! what did I do to be taught to hate myself?… what did I do to be born here? what did I do to be born anyway?!… I say Fuck God and his followers those filthy animals that follow with blind eyes and eat crap for the name of your fucking lord saying “I’m a believer” well I’m a sinner I’ll die a sinner if you call being atheist as a sin anyway, I’ll die proud of what I am no matter how fucked up… at least I never lied to myself!!…

Good-bye

summer,"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/my-last-post-to-be/

I'm so torn

"I'm in a bad place right now - Married for 2 and half years but have met the love of my life elsewhere. I spend everyday working out how to see my mistress. I love my wife but can't live without my mistress. My mistress has pressured me into spending Christmas with her and all available time. I'm so torn that I think ending it all is the only way out."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a76zl/close_to_the_edge/

I realize that I am looking for something that will finally amount to anything in my life

"Before I even get started; please don’t post ANY websites or phone numbers if those links or numbers require any information or registration from me. If you are going to answer this question, please answer it in full in your post or suggestion, without you providing further information that I would have to surf away from this thread. I think its really crappy of some people to exploit people who are in serious need of answers, by giving out advertisement links or spam that can only make things worse. If you think you must post a link, at least explain the link and make sure that I don’t have to provide ANY information if I go to your crappy site to find answers. Again, please do not provide me with any links that will require me to register or give any information to help me. I am seeking Answers, not more things to do.
I am considering quietly murdering myself because of several issues that have mounted on top of each other in a large unsolvable stink of a pile.
1. I have a very extensive criminal record that is for the most part not sealable. I have never murdered anyone, but i have a felony that I am a fugitive from - a drug charge from over seven years ago. I was not dealing, but we did have medication in a car I was in. I have a few misdemeanors on my record. I also have several dismissed cases that I cannot afford to get sealed.
2. I am disabled by state approval, it is hard for me to work. I am highly antisocial and do not get along well with anyone.
3. I am ugly and skinny and male. I am an adult. Because I have no money to take care of my teeth, the deep scars on my face, and my body getting older, I have serious issues all around. I am balding, I have distended muscles. Most of my problems come from damage in aging and I have no support from others to help me back to mental and physical health.
4. I have ABSOLUTELY no family support and no friend support. As a result of something my parents did to me in my life, I have suffered immeasurable trauma, which has caused serious further issues.
5. I am likely 100,000 dollars in debt and I own NOTHING worth equity. My debt includes repossessions and loans insurmountable b/c I cannot work a job. The debts are only getting worse but luckily I can’t afford much any more.
6. I have no degree worth more than minimum wage, noone will hire me b/c of a criminal background unexpungable, and b/c I am in such poor health.
7. B/C I have no money except for the disability check I get each month and food stamps, I have little left for myself and for anything extra. It is nearly impossible to wash clothes, or do anything else but sit at home and let the bills rack up.
8. I am in current criminal trouble b/c someone took advantage of my living situation. I wrote a bad check from a closed bank account that I had, I did not know I wrote the check on the closed account. When I found out the person was trying to steal from me, I reported it. However, they reported the check to the police later. I cannot afford small claims, an attorney, assistance, phone calls, and I cannot afford probation.
9. I would rather not be homeless. I live in a small shack of an apartment and I live alone. I cannot afford a pet.
It is true that I am looking for a simple answer, or if the answer is not simple - then just one answer that will make it all better. Perhaps there IS NO ANSWER. I don’t care if there are plenty of others like me, I don’t care about them, I care about me. If I cared about them and if I had anything to offer the homeless or others, I would. I don’t care about ‘having an attitude of gratitude’, that makes things worse and doesn’t pay bills.
Based on these issues, I feel like killing myself could be one possible solution that would make everything be solved. Since I don’t have any family looking after me or wanting me to be part of their lives, and since I don’t have a circle of friends, death is one viable answer. That is to say that I don’t foresee myself becoming someone who is going to be socially acceptable any time soon because of severe physical issues and physical damage, my debt issues, my issues with trauma and people, and my overall life with finances and legal issues.
I realize that I am looking for something that will finally amount to anything in my life. Everything that I have had in my life has either gone, turned on me, or turned into something not worth having.
I am looking for one answer, possibly, that would make a difference in my life. Working at min. wage job at my age, in my thirties, is hardly an option b/c i do not want to be around others who are of the same poor health, or teenagers who wine, or people who are needy. I am sick of people who see that I am damaged and further try to damage me or steal from me. Yes, I am paranoid of people b/c I live in the USA and we are taught to be needy and selfish to others; entrepeuneurial or whatever. I am alone and only older people who are worse than me seem to want to hang out. I write a little bit, but it just seems as if when things sometimes may start to look upward, something else always happens.
God is NOT going to help unless IT finally reveals ITSELF to me after thirty and more years of praying and nothing happening and feeling guilty for something that does not exist, praying does not help, and I have played the lottery and not won. I do not feel down or as if I am being irrational, I am not being pessimistic here but I am being rational about solutions. I am tired of being at the bottom of everything. I want a difference in my own life that does not relate others trying to help me as if I owe them anything. I am not looking for acceptance, just something that says I matter here, because there is just one bad thing after another in my long life of bull. I understand that if I tackle one problem at a time I will be okay, but I’m just tired of doing that. I don’t want to wait and wait for problems to get better. I need something that will make one noticeable difference in my life, and something that will give me incentive to take all of the other harsh things in my life in stride so much that they will get solved quicker."

Source: http://eu.promo.web.id/should-i-really-kill-myself

I wish it didn't feel like I carried the world on my shoulder

"I walk around with the biggest regrets and responsibilities on my shoulders.And even though the hurt me, I act like they don't because I want people to confide in me.When they're having a horrible day and I'm having a horrible year, I'll put my depression to the side and act like nothing is wrong.I bet you didn't know the I tired to kill myself plenty of times before.But when I think of all the people who I would let down and have no one to rest their secrets on, I just sit in silence about my sickness.I wish it didn't feel like I carried the world on my shoulders.I wish I was weightless so I could float through my sophomore year like I did since seventh grade.I don't even want to imagine what it's going to be like next year or even when I graduate."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/weightless/14328057/

Theres no way out, no way forward

"really starting to sink back down, i cant let myself do this again.i really started to make some improvement and relised i cant not commit suicide or overdose or major self harm anymore. i had to just had stop it for the sake of my mother-mainly my mother. and for my boyfriends sake. i hate worrying them. but honestly part of me wishes i didnt have them so that i could just do it, just top myself and tht be it.
so i sit here after seeing the crisis team thinking, well why dont i just do it? i ill be a failure and let all these people down at some point, i wont be good enough at some point- so why not just top myself and not have to be around to see that.
if i kill myself it HAS to be sure to work. fail again and il be kicked out of uni and my mother will never forgive me.
crisis team dont think they can help me because i have phone phobia and cant contact them if i feel suicidial, they cant come and visist me because if you want that you hae to direcly ask for it- and i can not ask for their help because i dont feel i deserve it,im wasting their time and she said it herself, im only acutly mentaly ill and im not completely crazy like some people.
tells me to contact the docter if i want them to get back in contact with me and things get any worse.. well hello stupid crisis team i fel suicidal now! just because i wasnt at the exact hour that you saw u doesnt mean im not in crisis. i explained my moods all over the place, that i could be ok but by tomrrow i maybe wanting to kill myself again, but they didnt care. they dont get it, i wanted to make sure i didnt act in a harmful way again by letting them be involved but just as before they have made me want to act on the feelings. theres no way out, no way forward. stuck unless i let go."

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8470844-why-bother

Know that, as I write this, know that I am crying

"I feel dead inside. I feel sick. I have been depressed on and off for a good while now, close to a few months, around four, three and a half. I've been constantly depressed for nearing on a week now. I feel so horribly so as to want to cause bodily harm. In this past five days I have wanted to kill. I have wanted to maim. I have wanted to hurt. I have wanted to burn. I have wanted to purge: this includes my core. I want to purge my self-loathing. I want to purge my self-hate. It's made me want to kill myself. It's made me cry to sleep.

I forget about this all by day, becoming the happiest person around, yet in my eyes you can see it clinging there, a darkness: a cancer that rages about my body killing me from the inside.

It hurts, as many know. It feels like a scorpion, black as coal, pinching and stinging at the base of my spine, whilst it's children run the length of my back and poison my brain.

I drown this all out with so many excesses: books, sex, food, vdeo games, broadcast television, being near friends. I live a life of excess by day, for I know it won't matter. I am not alive during the day. I am a child of the night, of soft winds and the gentle carress of the moon's guiding light. Yet, when I am alive, I feel dead. It makes me sick.

I am sick, also, because I feel myself loosing control. I feel my grip slipping: I feel myself becoming the homicidal, sadistic maniac I know to be within me.

Know that, as I write this, know that I am crying. I am lonely. I feel nothing but bitterness and the cries of my innards being shredded by these daemons inside of me. Know that, as I write this, it's all starting to fade..."

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/84556-so-cold.html

I'm alone I don't know what to do anymore I don't know what to do

"I want to kill myself. I want to be dead. I can't do anything right, I'm alone I don't know what to do anymore I don't know what to do"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=158491

No one listens to me

"I feel silly when I'm myself. i act like a child and i often miss communicate with people. i end up alone because none wants anything to do with me cause I'm weird and to much trouble because of my "problems" .and no one listens to me, they treat me like I'm not even in the room and don't even pay attention to me when i ask a question. and when they ask me a question they dont listen to my answer because my answer are so long and weird.

But when I'm myself i go off into my head and i find true happiness and joy. i create great works of art from singing to drawing to writing books.

I am happy and feel alive. and I'm not as depressed and not as nervous.

But when i act "normal" i am popular but i don't like the people i'm around. i get drained from trying to pay attention to all the subtle social cues. I get depressed cause im not doing what i want and it makes me unhappy.

People listen to me, infact the whole room stops talking to listen to me. but its not the real me its all an act. and i don't want to act. i want to be myself.

What i want to know is it ok to be me.

I am uncertain about my future and may be motherless homeless and i feel i have to find work soon to keep my world from falling apart. but im not ready yet. so i know i will probably be on the street and alone.

My mother is ill and possibly has cancer. we may lose our home and i don't know what to do.

I worry if I'm myself ill end up alone. but everyone else gets to be themselves why cant i?

I dont know if thispost makes any sence but hopefully you all can give me some good advice. you always do.

Thanks WP your all my friends in my eyes."

Source: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt112097.html

I'm sending myself into an oblivion and can't stop

"I thought I'd never find myself posting here and I feel like somewhat of a pussy for doing so.

Right now, I feel like I'm sending myself into an oblivion and can't stop.

I feel like I have no one. I hate sounding like I'm self-loathing. Maybe I just need a hug. Or someone to talk to.

Anyway, my boyfriend who I am in love with just broke up with me. My dad's health is rapidly declining. He is really far away and so if something happens to him, no one is around to help him. I realized the people who I thought were my friends, really aren't. I have just been discovering all my flaws and am trying to correct them but I find myself falling back into them consistently. It cost me my relationship with the person I love and care about the most. I just am looking for someone to listen and console. Because obviously what I'm telling myself isn't working. I feel somewhat on the edge but I know I won't jump just yet.

Sorry to sound mad whiny but I really am just looking for an ear and wise words to pick me up..."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a4q8r/i_dont_feel_right/

I wish I had the guts to kill myself

"I wish my mother -in-law and father -in-law could adopt my daughter. They're better with her than I am. They'd be able to more easily give her a good life. I wasn't ready for a baby, and I have so much trouble handling being a mom.

I wish I had the guts to kill myself. Just get it over with. But I can't do it. I want to stay with my husband instead, and I have to be here for him and our baby.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. I'm sick of wanting to start cutting again. I'm sick of the suicidal thoughts. I'm sick of being afraid I might lose it with my baby.

I wish everything was easier for me. Not necessarily different, but that I could handle everything better. That I wouldn't get so sad so often, or angry.

I'm tired of this ****."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=157858

Everything in my head tells me to end my life now

"I used to think I was lucky. That I had it made. And I was lucky. But only because I thought I was. I turns out that your mind truly is the only thing that can make you happy. Now, when I look back on my past, and not with the mind of a 10 year old, I realize how absolutely wrong I was. My life was anything but perfect. My life is anything but perfect. I don't know what to do now. I hate that I have a logical mind. Everything in my head tells me to end my life now. Everything in my heart tells me not to do it, for my family's sake. And that's who I am. I live for my family, I live to make my family happy. And I'm not doing a very good job. I don't know how to make them happy anymore, and that's where my head comes in. It says, you're not helping them, why stay. Why keep trying and not succeeding. Then my heart says, you know better. Your family loves you no matter what and killing yourself will only make it worse. So now, I do what my family wants rahter than what I truly want to do. I want it o be over. I want to be done. I want to die.

But I wont. I wont kill myself. I will just keep withering away inside my mind, because I will truly hurt my family if I do it. So I wont kill myself. Not physically anyway. My mind is already dead. It died with the longing to make my death complete.

I suppose I will just keep wearing this fake smile everyday and pretend I'm okay. I think they know better though. Oh well. I just hope an accident comes along and ends it all so I wont have to deal with the fact that I did that to my family for the rest of eternity in my afterlife.

Tell me something...am I convincing? =D"

Source: http://mylifeitshardbutitsmine.blogspot.com/

You cry and you cry and you ask why, God why? What do you do then? Do you put on a brave face or do you crumble to pieces?

"So what do you do when you like a friend who likes someone else? The correct answer, you leave them be. Even though your heart bleeds and you cry yourself to sleep every night. The correct thing to do is to be happy for him and to encourage him to pursue her, especially when she appears to like him too. But what if it’s just too hard? What if you find yourself thinking about him every single day. You cry and you cry and you ask why, God why? What do you do then? Do you put on a brave face or do you crumble to pieces? I have tried to be a good friend, to be happy for him. But every time he comes to me with happy stories about her, every time they have a date is like a knife in my heart. And don’t think I’m pathetic, pining over a guy like that, my life is more than that. It just seems like it isn’t these days. Things I used to care about mean nothing anymore and all I really want is for it all to stop, one way or another. None of my friends seem to understand, all they do is give good for nothing advice. Since I turned nineteen I think about ending my life almost every day. I just wish that there was someone out there that was willing to listen, to care."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/5135/#comments

What does it matter, really? It was all over before it began

"I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t stay home like this; it’s driving me insane. I need something to do. I need someone to stand in front of me and tell me exactly what to do. So I don’t have to think, so I don’t have to spend all these waking moments looking for an out that I’m not supposed to want.

I’ve changed. I can’t sustain myself anymore. I’ve weakened from all the pressure and now I can’t do what I used to do. The pointlessness of everything is glaring back at me more than ever. I get home and look around and think, “What now?” I don’t care if I have the job that people consider the lowest, I don’t care if all I do is work. They keep calling me in, or having me stay late, and not once have I protested. It’s better that I’m not here. It’s better that I’m not home. I tire of my daydreams of suicide.

I finally allowed myself to heal a little. Now there are pink lines instead of red, and some a deep purple, just everywhere, as though there was no rhyme or reason to it, only a sick kind of desperation. But I admit that I am throwing tantrums more often than ever. Tossing things into the wall (particularly in the freezer where I can’t be heard), or randomly sobbing when something doesn’t go my way. No one has witnessed any of it, thankfully. The crying is almost comical; it is literally over the stupidest most mundane of things. I want to laugh at myself, at how pathetic it is. Can’t live at all, can you? Can’t take it when something is broken, or the food you want isn’t there, or you can’t sleep? What a waste it is for me to even breathe sometimes, such a snivelling, stupid thing. You know why I won’t work the registers? I’m afraid I’ll fuck up the math. I’m sure counting coins would be too much for me. I’m just that stupid. Don’t even give me that responsibility; I’m sure I can’t handle it. My register would probably be off by twenty dollars.

What does it matter, really? It was all over before it began."

Source: http://lucienlachance.wordpress.com/

How am I supposed to keep it together when Im losing everything? When do I get to be happy?

"Can I Kill Myself Yet?
So lets start with the good news ------

The money CSSD wants isn't for child support, it is only for when my child was on assisted living, so I only have to pay back the $4 grand.

Now the bad ------

That $4 grand may actually screw my finances enough that I will lose everything and I really have to crunch numbers to see if I can survive past this.

I will be passed up for a promotion, it sucks but Im pretty much over it.

My son calls some one else dad .... that really breaks me .... very badly. This breaks my heart .... I just want to destroy everything, what the hell !!?!?! Thats almost to much for me to bear alone in itself. Thats my ... son ... damnit. That hurts the most ... and I just ... cant write about this right now.

I have no clue when I will see my son again, and as I've already mentioned I will miss all his firsts. Walking, Christmas, birthday, I never got to hear him say dada which some one else did. So much Im gonna miss and I cant do anything about it .....

One of my best friends, one to which I always look to for advice, confide in, always hopes for me when I never do, and wishes me the best all the time will be leaving.

Another best friend has health issues which worries me greatly, and I dont get to hang out with him as much as I should.

The girl I care for so much, I found out exactly how I fucked it all up, I made her feel weird, from wanting to much when I knew she didnt want more at the time. Now I dont know if I can still be hopeful in getting her back one day, I really ..... there have been 4 women in my life that I have ever wanted this bad ....

1 - Left and traumatized me really bad, in fact it shaped me to be who most of me is
2 - I dont think I should count as she was the first girlfriend and she messed me up pretty bad mentally
3 - I never dated or did anything with, it just never worked out that way
4 - Now her, I fucked it up

Here I am head in my hand wishing I could do some thing, wanting her back in my arms and all the gentle kisses that came with it. The girl who made me feel like I could shoulder any burden as long as she was with me .... fuck why did I have to fuck it up so bad, and no its not fate or some stupid thing like "well thats just what was meant to be" I fucked up and thats all there is to it and I hate myself for it.

So .... Im losing hope that I migh get the girl back, and Im really trying to be hopeful that maybe one day I will.

My son doesnt know me, and I dont know when I will see him if I ever see him again

And I might just lose everything I own

This isnt some trial of life, or some stupid test, or stand up again after falling .... this is my life damnit, and if it falls apart how the hell am I supposed to keep it together. I havnt been able to stop crying at home ..... Why cant one god damned thing go right without everything else spitting in my face? Just when i half picked myself back up, I get kicked back down and shattered. I just .... how am I supposed to keep it together when Im losing everything? When do I get to be happy?

Now I have some how go to sleep so I can wake up in 4 hours to go back to work .... and I gotta pretend like everything is ok ..."

Source: http://never-saw.livejournal.com/

Nothing but this endless torture and pain, divorced parents and a broken family, and the betrayal of my boyfriend and a bleeding heart

"I am turning 19 next month and have been battling depression and social anxiety since 12. People say that everything is going to be fine one day and that I should keep holding on hope. LIES!!! I have been hoping that things would turn around someday for seven years. What is my reward? Nothing but this endless torture and pain, divorced parents and a broken family, and the betrayal of my boyfriend and a bleeding heart.

I am done with this life!!! I regret that I didn’t attempt my third suicide at 15 when I was so ready for it. I shouldn’t have listened to them and kept holding on hope. I am stupid and naive and have just deluded myself. Silly me!!!

I am here not for your sympathy or preaching, but only for efficient ways to die. I want it to look like an accident because I don’t want my family to know that it is a suicide and suffer from it. Any good ideas? Oh, I also wonder how to induce a heart attack in an easy way (e.g. which medicine). It is a good way to go. I appreciate your information in advance!"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/seeking-a-way-to-die/

I can't stand to live anymore

"I'm 16, no friends outside of school(I get along fine in school) Have never had a girlfriend. I'v been depressed almost constantly for the past 5 years of my life, there is no end in site to a high school I hate. Hope in college and my future is barely keeping me going. Thats all been destroyed with my terrible grades I can't stand to live anymore."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a2l3g/loser/

What am I living for?

"I'm no longer depressed but I still want to kill myself. It's true - I've resolved all my issues in therapy and I've finally found an anti-depressant that keeps the darkness at bay... yet I don't see the point to living. I feel like living with depression for so long has turned me into a person who is completely incompatible with the world at large. So what is left? What am I living for? I'm thoroughly jaded."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=155676

I don't want to wake up anymore

"Dumb. Wrong. Not right.

Okay, I get it. I've done so many mistakes towards people. I disappoint my friends a lot of times. I've been whiny and insensitive. But should they really be mad at me like that? Okay, they can. But honestly I just can't take it. It hurts so bad I really wanna kill myself right now.

My mom didn't think that I understand all of those chinese talking she did in the car with my dad? I know she's tired of bringing me to the hospital back and forth, I know she's tired and everything. So why didn't she say it? If she doesn't really want to believe that I'm sick, or doesn't want to bring me to the hospital?

I'm tired of living. I just wanna ruin my life once and for all.

I don't want to go to school. I don't want to see or think about Raga anymore. I also doesn't want to disappoint anybody anymore, including myself. I don't want to make insensitive jokes or humiliate anybody anymore. I don't want to be in anybody's view because I'm ugly and I have so many flaws that are not appropriate for people to see or even to be friends with.

Just stop attacking me with guilt. Stop to laugh at my jokes if you don't want to and just don't care about me because it's useless if you didn't really care about me and you still stick around anyway.

I know I can't survive being alone. So what? Maybe being alone is great. I can build up those feelings and at the end I just can kill myself and be free from this endless drama and hurtings.

I hate myself. I hate this guilty feelings. I'm tired of being sick physically and mentally. I'm just tired with hatred towards everything!

I don't want to wake up anymore."

Source: http://writemenotyou.blogspot.com/

I only have but love to give and yet that is not enough

"I think I’m going to Kill myself… last words, to many lost memories. Idiots all of us to put up with this stench of a human condition. A monetary system slowly killing souls, including mine. I only have but love to give and yet that is not enough, as were all only thinking about how much we can afford to give. I can no longer afford all this, however have so much to give, but no one willing to receive. I miss being a child. I miss, past tense and so will this be. I hold you all in my heart and miss every minute I have spent with you. And pray to spend it with you again in my dreams. Bye. I hope you don’t dwell on me if I’ve let you down or cause you pain. I’m not worth it. Love Fil. :)"

Source: http://filbones.wordpress.com/2009/11/06/i-think-im-going-to-kill-myself/

I feel like im not here

"Whats wrong with me am i depressed?... I feel so low all the time, i just feel numb
i feel like im not here like im being ignored but im not.
I dont feel happy atall, i wish i would be.
My biggest fear is dying but ive wanted to kill myself.
Ive self harmed, im scared all the time and i dont know why.
i cant be by myself atall, im scared to sleep for some reason.
what could be wrong?"

Source: http://mentalhealthcares.blogspot.com/2009/11/whats-wrong-with-me-am-i-depressed.html

It's like I'm slowly dying just staying alive postpones the inevitable

"So I have suicidal thoughts, am depressed and I generally feel like shit. It's like I'm slowly dying just staying alive postpones the inevitable. Well not all the time though, I'm trying to get by with work + uni studies. I feel like I'm slacking/not giving a shit too effin much in those regards, but no one tells me that. (But that is not half of my issues)

I've seen my doctor, and she has finally referred me to several psychologists but it might take a while till I get an appointment from one (damn the country I'm living in, but's probably not any better in any other)

Well my problem is that opening up about these things is so damn hard it physically hurts me, I just want smash through a wall or something lol. And I get all these doubts like, "get over your fscking self it's no big deal" and thus in the end I feel that nothing will come if this. Anyone else had these kinds of doubts?

Edit: Thanks for all your thoughtful replies. I wasn't aiming for an IAMA thread so I'll stop now :)"

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/a0pa9/trying_to_get_help/

Now death seems like the only thing i should do

"m 15 and have had a quite **** life so far, i suffer from deppresion, which i got treatment for ages ago. untill it stopped. so ive been trying to deal with stuff on my own, i cant ask my mam for help has she also suffers from deppresion. recently ive got to the point were i jsut want to die, i started to self harm on the tops of me arms and i stole my mams anti deppreion tablets to cope. i did this for quite a while but it isnt helping any more. now death seems like the only thing i should do, but im actually too scared to do it, ive been tempted to do it when self harming but i cant do it, cos deep down i know ill hurt everyone around me. im so confused, i dont want to live but i cant kill myself. i cant take it any more i dont know wat to do, i know im only young but i dont want to carry on living like this cos i know ill die alone and have no future. i need help, what should i do ?"

Source: http://anti-agingsite.info/im-want-to-die-but-if-im-honest-i-cant-kill-my-self-cos-im-to-scared.html

I hate my life

"my life sucks. i used to be happy, i had a bunch of friends, but my group started doing things that I didnt like. i tried to stop them from doing the stuff that they did, but they just rejected me and started ganging up on me.

most of the kids in my old group would have commited suicide if not for me to be there for them when nobody else was and help them.

nevertheless, they started being jerks to me and wouldnt hang out with me anymore. they had convinced their parents, too, that i was a bad example and that their kids shouldnt be in contact with me at all.

i said "hi" to them in the halls, and they looked at me like theyve never seen me ever.
the kids, as a consequence of the things that they had got into, became the most popular kids in my school. one of the kids now beats me up physically and verbally. i am always depressed, because they ruined my great reputation, making other kids think that i am stupid, and that i have a messed up home life.

my parents dont understand me when i talk to them, and their main focus is for me to do better in school.

i have no friends as of now, and i am one of the most unpopular kids in the school. what do i do? i dont deserve this. i was thinking about suicide a couple of minutes ago. im especially depressed today.

please help and reply with suggestions."

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/82302-i-hate-my-life.html

I honestly dont care if it hurts others because others have hurt me so profoundly

"I honestly do not see whats so bad about it. the past few days ive remember that i will die one day. Its a hard pill to swallow when youvbe been screwed out of your 5 of your good years. I dont know what i am going to do but i feel like suicide is on the table. i honestly dont care if it hurts others because others have hurt me so profoundly that its come to this. i dont know what the point of life is when ti has to be mediocre. i did not survive 5 years of pelvic pain and a life with a limp to live this out in a lackluster fashion. id rather be dead. thoughts?"

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8323496-questions-suicide-trigger

I could choke myself to death if I wanted

"I'm destined to be alone.And I swear anyone who says different will go in my black book.
I screw EVERY opportunity up, evry relationship dies after a month.
And I havent even had a guy interested in me for 2 years! !
I have NO FRIENDS
the ppl I associate are my brother friends.
And I cant spend my days talking to them forever
I only go outside to go to work or to get food..
I screwed up my chance of havn a bf, now I have absolutly no chance of ever being with him.
its horrible
my family doesnt even want me, I doubt they even like me


I'm sick of people underestimating me
And my will power
but its all in the wrong spot and I like it like that
I could choke myself to death if I wanted too.
I made myself pass out once.
It felt so good"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/fml-such-an-orignial-title-/14325897/

I just get the feeling that killing myself will set myself free

"i dont have the slightest clue of what's going on with me... i have bad jealousy issues, my mood changes from time to time and i wanna be alone, i think of commiting suicide when i usually get sad, and sometimes im just plain ol depressed. as a child i use to be so happy before my dad's girlfriend came into the picture and took a dump on my world and put reality right in my face. i still was a kid when that happened and from then on there my childhood was rough, and as i grew up more problems started to come to surface. i started gaining weight, my step mom got locked up, my dad was a working fiend, my brother gave me hell, i had alot of lonely nights, i was teased in school, and my mom wasnt around to show me any love. this happened when i was between the ages of 8-13. and when i turned 14 i moved with my mom and my dad kinda walked out on me. my mom teased me about my weight and called me alotta not so good but not so bad names.i wasnt teased in school anymore, thank god, but things still weren't easy. im 18 now but three years ago was when my dad officially walked out on me and i miss him so much and his absense saddens me so. i constantly stress and worry, and most times i feel happy but the smallest things makes me sad or i start to feel like shit, and then my self esteem gets lower than it already is. now i stress more than ever bcuz my mom has cancer and shes getting sicker by the moment and im left stuck in a house that makes me wanna kill myself all day taking care of her and my lil sis.( i just had to shorten the story, its deeper than that). at a young age i tried to kill myself and tho i dont ever try to do that stuff again, i just get the feeling that killing myself will set myself free....idk i need help my mind is clouded and i have such great friends but my negativity may drive them away. i try not to act like a "bitch" but i cant help it, sometimes i like to be the rain on people's parade. I get jealous when i see my friends having such a good time with each other and not with me(even tho they are trying to have fun with me im just not realizing it), then i just stop talking to them, then start ignoring them, and then i just want to walk the other way and be alone...the littlest thing will flip the mood switch me, i dont understand...."

Source: http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=2635

I have no friends or family

"I want to kill myself and keep the burden off my family. I have no money, no job, losing house, 3 kids. 48 old?

I am 48 years old, three kids to college, married, 27-year-old, drug and alcohol abuse, in the face after a third dispersion, in thousands of dollars in debt, without food, loss of a house, a total of trucks, I have no friends or family, will help. I have chronic back pain from a broken back to years ago, eight multiple surgery and cancer. No more to the bottom. In addition, was diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disease, I can not find any help symptoms."

Source: http://www.depressiondrug.org/2009/10/28/open-question-i-want-to-kill-myself-and-keep-the-burden-off-my-family-i-have-no-money-no-job-losing-house-3-kids-48-old-2/

Things dont look like they are going to change anytime soon

"First off, i am not doin this because i want attention. I am doin this because i need help, and i dont know how to get any help other than this. I am 14 and i have been depressed since the 3rd grade, i even started havin suicidal thoughts then. Although, now things have gotten a lot worse. I have had to take time off of school because of this. 4 sum reason i cant even focus anymore there. All i can think of anymore is puttin a gun 2 my head n pullin the trigger(and yes i have put a loaded gun 2 my head before, i even pulled the trigger once only to find out that the one time i actually pulled the trigger i forgot to put a bullet in the chamber). I dont even know what started this, but i dont think that i can take it any longer. The only reason that i am still alive right now is because i am worried aboutwhat will happen 2 my friends if i kill myself. Especially my best friend, i am worried that it would fuck him up if i kill myself because we have known eacother for almost all of our lives.I cant go and see a therapist because if my dad finds out that i have been missin school cuz i am depressed he will probably kill me the second he finds out. I am also a little afraid to talk to most of my friends about this because most of them would probably try to get my locked up in a psycho ward. So, i really dont know what to do anymore, i havent been happy with my life in years and things dont look like they are going to change anytime soon. I just feel worthless all of the time, and i am so close to killin myself right now. Im not eating, i cant sleep, and i have been getting headaches a lot. I would really appreciate any help you can give me. Also, srry that this wuz so long.

I dont want to talk about this with my teachers because they are assholes, and if i talk to my school counselor im fucked. The school counselor that i would see has a mom that is my moms best friend. So if the counselor found this out, i know that this would get back to my mom. So then my parents would probably start chasin me around with guns tryin 2 kill me. But thank you for tryin 2 help me i appreciate it."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/10/help-me/

If you've read this, thanks for caring... It's a shame you live so far away

"I don't expect replies, I just need to vent...

Tonight I find myself to incredibly depressed...
I hate my life, I hate the few friends I have, I'm sure there's a reason for all of that but I just don't give a f**k. I hate that I can't have a normal relationship with people, or hold down a relationship with a girlfriend.

I'm absolutely positive that everyone thinks I'm a lazy, useless, deadbeat because of my SA. Quite frankly, I'm absolutely sick of trying to fight this, trying to be normal, and socialize, and have friends.... Trying to move out of my parents house when all they do is tell me why it's not a good idea.

I hate living in society, I hate maintaining relationships, I hate who I've become. I used to want to kill myself when I feel as depressed as I am, but since I had an extremely bad Salvia trip, I know that I don't want to die. SO I'm stuck here, feeling this way.

I hate chancellors, I've never been to a therapist and I really don't want to go. Like I said, I'm sick of trying. I f**king hate feeling this lonely, as if no one understands. At least, nobody here, that I can physically talk to. (this forum is still absolutely great btw)

So what do I do? I can't stay in my stressful part-time job because nobody could make a living off of it. I basically have to go back to school, which freaking terrifies me to the core. I don't want to do group work, presentations, exams, essays, and assignments. I've already done that and I hated it, I got so stressed out I couldn't stand it, I started cutting myself until I dropped out.

Deep down in my soul I just want to run away from it all. I want to run away and not care about any of it, just to be free from from this life and for once have a genuine smile on my face.

I HATE LIFE. I HATE WHO I AM, I WANT OUT... -sigh-

If you've read this, thanks for caring... It's a shame you live so far away.

Peace."

Source: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/sooooo-depressed-75005/