It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change

"Had a quick glance at my discharge letter. Lots of medical mumbo jumbo, though luckily having friends in medical school means it wasn’t too hard to figure out, and the things they didn’t know Google did! The letter sheds no light on why they thought I needed a chest x-ray, so that’s still pretty baffling, as is the fact that it talks about depression/low mood when I told every doctor I saw that I was feeling okay.

I didn’t try to kill myself because I was depressed, I tried to kill myself simply because I was too scared to be alive. The paranoia, the peculiar experiences, they don’t depress me. Maybe they should, but they don’t. They tire me out, yes. They terrify me, yes. But I am still able to laugh. I am still able to enjoy things. I am not depressed. I was a depressed teenager, I know what it feels like, and I know that this is not it. If only someone would listen to me, aftter all I do know myself better than anyone else.

The elusive crisis team finally paid a visit today, was a waste of time as expected – the woman they sent was here for all of five minutes, she asked the standard questions, seemed pleased when I told her I hadn’t had thoughts of harming myself (lies) hadn’t been scared by books/television/music (lies) and was taking my medication regularly (more lies). She complimented me on my hair and my dress though, so she gets bonus points for that, it’s nice to know that the effort I put into actually getting out of my pyjamas today was appreciated! She did suggest I should get out of the house a bit more, seeing as I haven’t left since I got home from hospital, but that’s not going to happen. Leaving the house is too stressful and if I’m honest, too much effort. I’ve got an appointment on Tuesday, which will probably take all my energy; I won’t be leaving the house before then. The meeting is actually with both the crisis team and the Early Intervention service, and she thinks that as long as I’m fine on Tuesday I’ll be discharged back to them. I will be fine. I am fine. Or at least, I’m really good at pretending, so either way I won’t have them to deal with anymore.

It’s not that I don’t want to be honest with the crisis team; it’s just that I can’t. Admitting to certain thoughts/feelings would make a hospital stay unavoidable, and I know any length of time spent as an inpatient would be detrimental to my mental health. Besides, spending time in hospital wouldn’t stop me from hurting myself, it might delay it, but the outcome would remain the same.

I am considering asking for a change in key-worker. My actual key-worker is on maternity leave, and has been since about November, I think, I know she’s due back around May. The man who has taken over from her, I have only met once, which isn’t particularly promising considering the amount of time she’s been gone. He is a nice enough man; it’s just that I don’t feel I’ll ever be able to open up to him. He only works for the Early Intervention Service a couple of days a week, so it’s really hard to catch him, and well, I just don’t think we ‘click’. I think I would feel more comfortable talking to a woman; apart from my CAMHS psychologist I have never really worked well with a man. He’s not going to be in the meeting on Tuesday because he has lots of ‘crisis stuff’ to attend to, so maybe I will bring it up with the psychiatrist then and see what he thinks. I probably won’t have the guts; I always feel terrible for upsetting or offending anybody – one of the reasons I didn’t tell my psychiatrist how bad things were getting was because I liked seeing him smile thinking he’d done a good job!

In other news, I’m getting a little obsessed with everything Alice In Wonderland in the lead up to the release of the film. Tomorrow I am ordering the most beautiful Alice inspired journal, a pocketwatch pendant, and a tea party charm bracelet. Happiness!

‘It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.’"

Source: http://thesunshinediaries.wordpress.com/

The feelings dont stop

"i dont want to be like this but the feelings dont stop they get worse it is the reason my wife left me and my kids dont respect me
i cant enjoy any thing any more icant watch tv go out with my frinds they tell me i bring them down , i do want a real life but at this age i dont think there is hope for me , i been this way as long as i can remember my wife helped me alot and got me through a lot of bad times but she left me because she got tired of all the bs , now i have no one and dont want to live anymore"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/i-want-do-die-but-i-cant-kill-myself-i-am-45-years-old-and-i-have-felt-this-way-all-my-life-but-now-its-getting-worse-/

Somedays I wish that I were blind so that I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror

"Somedays I wish that I were blind so that I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror. I hate how disgusting that I am, and I hate how people lie to me and tell me how cute, sexy or beautiful I am. I can't see any of those qualities in me..alls i can see is my fat thighs..arms..my fat everything. I want to see my bones, free myself of this shell and become beautiful."

Source: http://momochi856.blogspot.com/

I want to feel better but i can’t

"I have bi polar disorder and i’m 19 years old and i am really angry and depressed right now because my life sucks and everything is not good at all. I can’t seem to have any of the good things, i want to drive so i took the driver’s permit test i fail two times in a row and looks like there is no hope of driving a car because i can’t remember what i’ve read in the book. I’ve also always wanted a girlfriend but when i tried asking girls out, they said that i am ugly and one girl said that she wanted to throw up just when she looked at me. It hurts my feelings that no girls are intrested in me and i’m very depressed because of that. Recently, my parents brought home a puppy and it seems to get rid of my depression a little bit until the dog had problems when it pooped out worms and now they want to get rid of it even though they took it to the vet already and had shots for prevention. What could i do about my depression that is interfering with my life ? I feel so sad and depressed because of this situation, what could i do so i could feel better again ? I’ve tried some home remedies for depressino but it is not working. Would there still be any chance of finding a girlfriend after getting rejected all of the time ? Could anyone please help me out ? I want to feel better but i can’t and i feel like i want to kill myself to get out of this misery !"

Source: http://unibersus.com/2010/02/25/what-could-i-do-about-my-bi-polar-depression-that-is-interfering-with-my-life/

Im so lost

"If i try again tomorrow, it will be attempt number 7 on my life. i live with minor brain damage and ADD and am fucking depressed, none of my “friends” talk to me and when i try and talk to them they dont pick up the phone or reply, im only 18 and moved out of home, i cant get into uni and missed out on tafe no one will hire me so im fucked, i contemplate suicide everyday and research methods online, i see other people talking about prevention, how to get help, how they can relate to shit, i think its all bullshit, i dont even know why im posting this, im so lost, i think ill buy a pipe and kill myself by co2 poisoning.. but then i wont."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-just-need-a-gun-and-a-bullet/

I just need to talk to someone who can understand

"why are people so mean? Im not making this up, I ran into a girl I knew from high school the other day...and she saw that im still having a very hard time with my OCD and panic disorders...and she was always mean...but she told me that OCD is fake and its all in my head and that I should just kill myself because everyone is sick of me and that my sister would be better off if I were dead.......ive been in tears over this for a few days....it really upset me because I almost feel shes right......How can someone be so mean.....sorry this post is kinda pointless I just need to talk to someone who can understand. im sorry."

Source: http://community.livejournal.com/o_c_d/508292.html

I live in what I call a hell hole

"Hi, im 17 year old and I live in what I call a hell hole with my dad, twin brother, step mom, and 2 half siblings. I’ve always had problems living with my dad but it all went south when my dad got married. He started believing that people were trying to kill him with voodoo and so he married this woman a year ago to “protect us”. Then he started accusing me of stealing her stuff, using her stuff without permission, and even trying to kill him. He says that my mom (who lives in a different state) and I team up to put things around the apt to cause harm.

I am severely depressed and I was hospitalized a month ago after I called a suicide hotline and told the lady what I wanted to do to myself. And the only I called the hotline was because I repeatedly told my dad about my suicidal thoughts, and how depressed I am, and he said to leave him alone and if I wanted to continue to cut, I could until I bleed o death and he’ll just take me to the hospital. He moved over this past summer without telling me or my brother (we were at our mom’s house) so I have no one to talk to here.

The house is soo dirty, not just clothes and dirt…its like waste. And food, garbage all over this house, it makes me sick literally…im having stomach issues because don’t want to go to the bathroom, or anywhere else in this place. Im so scared of it..Im a germaphobe and so coming home after school makes me soo anxious and I want to cry. After I came home from the hospital..they gave me this discharge plan and I was put on medication there because of an anxiety attack.

The discharge plan said that I was to be placed in an intensive out patient program, and that didn’t happen because my dad says its stupid….2 weeks before my medication was finished I told him that and he just ignored me and so now my meds are done and it’s been a week. He doesn’t seem to care that I need a psychiatrist to monitor my meds. All I get here is threatened like “im gonna break ur neck”, “u’ll see what ill do to you”, “leave and don’t come back” name called like stupid, idiot, useless. I cant stay here anymore, I know im almost out but this is too much..the more I stay here the more suicidal I get and the more I want to cut. Do I even have any options as a 17 y/o? Please help me..thank you for your time"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/so-depressed-and-no-way-out/

Im gonna die soon

"i been depressed a lot lately, because of ma family . i feel that nobody in my life support me everybody hates me its too hard for me, they always say im stooped they always want me to suffer. cant take it anymore. im not really smart in school i always have trouble studying because of my family. so im asking everybody to tell me if overdosing on sleeping pills the painless way to die. im gonna die soon."

Source: http://naturalinsomniacures.net/is-overdosing-on-sleeping-pills-the-painless-way-to-die.htm

I wish I weren't me right now

"I cried a lot last night. Chris helplessly sat by and stroked my hair and asked me what he could do to help.

Like I had written earlier, I kinda woke up feeling depressed and tried not to cry as I was heading to work. Felt let down by that test I took. Was getting pissed that the people in my office are speaking Spanish in front of me. I've tried twice to hint to them in a nice way that I'd like to know what they're saying/feel included, but it's not working.

Last night I was just sucked into the suicidal thoughts. I planned to transfer all my money in my bank account to my sister, since she could use the money, and it was convenient. I wanted to get away when Chris played games Sunday, so that I could be someplace away from the house and kill myself. I ran the options in my head...jumping off a bridge, getting in front of a train, hanging myself, cutting myself with an Exacto knife...this was it. There was no point in waiting anymore, just do it. Everyone would be sad/shocked/devastated, but they'd get over it. I would soon be forgotten. Chris could move on somehow.

Things that I was sorta looking forward to last week: getting married, having a kid. Chris asked me if I wanted those things anymore and I replied, "No."

I thought, I should call the crisis line or go to the hospital, but why would I do that if I wanted to go? that would hinder my "efforts" I thought about my lil sister, on how just last week I told her not to keep suicidal thoughts a secret and to tell her doctor to adjust her medications, etc. She'd see what a hypocrite I was after I kill myself.

Today will be the third day that I haven't taken my Cymbalta. My sister wasn't able to go pick up my new bottle this week. I should make an appt with a doctor in SD, like, Monday and regularly get my pills here...I just don't have a doctor yet, and lazy about finding one and making an appt and taking time off work to go. I don't think skipping a few days should make me feel so damn crappy, so I think it's just circumstance.

"What would make you happy?" Chris asked. "If I wasn't here" or "nothing"

He later went to the market to get cupcake cups to bake cupcakes a day early. He asked me if I wanted anything and all I wanted were some cheddar and sour cream potato chips. he came back wanting to give me a treat, but i refused. after I had calmed down I was curious and asked him what it was-Girl Scout Somoa and Thin Mint cookies. We shared some and I felt a little better.

I woke up feeling okay, better. I dreamt that I went to a concert with friends, and was traveling abroad and meeting people. then I was shopping in a furniture consignment/thrift store. I woke up with the weird thought that I could open up my own furniture consignment store. I'd enjoy looking for furniture at flea markets and thrift stores and reselling them. I'd need money to start, and there would be no guarantee that I'd make money or be successful.

As Chris snoozed this morning I cuddled him and stroked his soft back. I felt like I could live just to enjoy him. But it's not always that I love him/appreciate him like this. I wish I were more consistent. I'm going to do something compulsive, and it'd be a waste. When I'm depressed/suicidal, I can't hold on to what little joys I have or could have.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't have to work, and have a house to take care of my family and not have to deal with the outside world. So unrealistic. So unfair...

I don't enjoy being around my friends. It's just that I wish I did, as I used to. Going out and doing stuff in general is a chore.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate this feeling. I feel so out of place wherever I go. I wonder if I'd feel better living in a totally different place. The other day I had the thought of moving to, say, France, and starting a new life. Then my negative thoughts come: I'd hate it there...I wouldn't know anybody, and not knowing the language would make it doubly frustrating. I want a new life. I wish I weren't me right now."

Source: http://hypo-mechanic.livejournal.com/

I don't know how to stop feeling like I'm the single worst person in the world

"Hey everyone
before I get into this I want to warn everyone I'm only 14, because I know a lot of people on the site don't like the stuff dealig with teens. Anyways, I hHave serious self confidence issues... And I know I'm not the only one. Every time I see a picture of myself or look in the mirror I have to fight to hold back tears. And even though I'm the biggest believer in love, I feel strongly that no guy would ever fall in love with a girl like me. Everytime I think about who I am I feel like Im going to throw up... And I used to cut myself. I cry all the time and I barely have any friends left. I feel like I have nothing to live for in my smallass town. Please please comment if you've been through something like this or how you've gotten over it. I'm tired of being this way, but I don't know how to stop feeling like I'm the single worst person in the world. And if you don't have any advice, but care enuf about me and anyone else experiencing these issues who may read this, vote up. I just can't live this life anymore"

Source: http://breakkup.com/with-me/serious-self-confidence-issues/

Why the hell am i so invisible?

"i’m so fed up. I cant do this shit anymore. Why the hell am i so invisible? I give everyone all the attention they need and in the end when i need it they don’t even notice stupid little me. I hate it when my parents see my hardest earned grades and tell me i could do better when they dont even have time to help me…i hate it when my sister totally ignores me and tells me go kill myself everytime i get depressed…i hate it when i imply something about him and he says thats the same with his gf…i hate it when i’m home alone 24/7…i hate it when my family critisizes my physical appearance….i hate it when people say mean things 2 be even if theyre joking, I hate it that my best friends keep talking about their issues with their boyfriends n asking me 4 advice on their life when i just wana die…I hate it when i just want you to ask me how i am and you start complaining about your own life…I hate it when he duznt realize that all i wana do is be there 4 him and how much i want him 2 want me but everything is that bitch….I HATE LIFEE AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!! I wana die!!! I’m not strong enough to live…and why live when no1 notices me any way. no one sees m e and I hate that. I hate them. Dear God…please take me…"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/just-so-invisible/

My life is nothing

"I registered here almost 2 years ago.
But my progress is still close to none.
I think that for people like me there is no more hope.
I can not take control on my brain on my stupid thoughts constantly running through this damn brain.

During this 2 years I read plenty of material from "naturals" hoped that i will become one of them.
Plenty of Zan, brent rion williams, david x...and if there was even minimal change - it was only for few moments.
It was like some spark telling me that next time it will be better but it wasn't.

I have this knowledge.
But I can not apply it.

And now there is one girl.
I know that I shouldn't be outcome dependent.
Sometimes I am not, sometimes I am.

When I thinking about outcome - that I want to be with her - shit happens to my head.
I am like searching for validation.This is so damn terrible feeling, later in home I am thinking and analyzing every single word she told me searching for signs like " she likes you".
But every time result is "she don't like you, you are shit".
But I know that I should have perspective - "Do I like her ?" and receiving everything as sign that she likes me.
But i can't.
I cant believe in myself.
I feel this pressure in my heart that I can not even breath.

Sometimes when I talk to her I am not even me, I'm doing things and talk just for looking validation, to make her like me.
I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.
with no result.
I feel that she feel that I am only pretending.
Later I want to kill myself for being such stupid asshole.

When single thing happen like she laugh and this is honest and we talk and I am in the moment, not thinking about outcome and then I back to home - this moments are making my days shining.I feel like a king, plenty of smile people asking why I am so happy. Everything is awesome.
But if there are days like yesterday - she is tired and not smiling much and I am pretending for her, thinking about outcome, constantly thinking "does she like me" - then I feel like shit.
I am sad as hell.
I don't even want to do anything.
I would like to just cry and cry or better - kill myself.really i think that my life is nothing worth.Really i am not only writing it, this thoughts really goes through my head.
I wont do it.I wont kill myself.
But i don't want to live.
This whole interaction with her is just validation seeking.
I am putting her on pedestal, my happiness depend on her.
I am one big shit hate myself for that.
There is no hope for people like me, really.I can not apply anything in my life.

Even I don't know why I am writing this.
You people on this forum gave me so good advises, but I can not apply it.
I am good only in being bad and screwing everything."

Source: http://www.naturalgame.com/showthread.php?t=7673

Sometimes I try and think of how it'll be - nothingness

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel empty inside and can't feel emotion. I'm lashing out at a lot of people around me, and closing myself off from others. My job is soul crushing. I went into it straight from school, and have never had "A break" so to speak.

Do I deserve one? Do others get breaks. I feel selfish for wanting one.

I feel like a cloud is inside my head. I used to be intelligent. I feel anything but that now.

I feel like I am going insane. Then I think my head is making it all up, and I'm not insane. I don't know what to believe. I saw a face on my wall a few weeks ago. A kid who was killed in Chernobyl. He blamed me, and showed me what he would look like had I not killed him.

I have such vivid dreams. Would it be a bad thing to sleep, dream and never wake up?

I've been holding my head and my life together with sellotape for a long time now, but I don't think I can do it anymore.

I have pills due to arrive tomorrow. I want to take them all and put an end to this life.

Sometimes I try and think of how it'll be - nothingness. My mind boggles at the thought, but it is not too far away from what I feel now

I have an appointment with a counselor, but don't see the point in going. I'll either lie, or close myself off to her. I can't stop doing this

I need help, Reddit. You guys are the smartest people I know."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/b2x6r/i_feel_empty/

I’ve felt the wind of the wing of madness

"I’m not mad, but I’m aware that it sounds sexier.

No one wants to hear the ravings of depression, but madness, now that sells tickets. As a source of entertainment madness has always been a blockbuster. Depression on the other hand, sounds more like a disease, if not a lame excuse of one, and has never attracted the same quality and quantity of public attention. Were I mad, I could hurl invectives at the world and command awe, cheer even. Not with depression. With depression I’m only allowed minced oaths under my breath, if that. People look for florid causatives in a mental disease, an all consuming hole in the brain, or a charismatic tumor, or an electrical storm. A small chemical imbalance or a small whatever it is that causes depression, doesn’t the crowds please.

And that’s when I use the phrase insanely depressed. I’ve noticed that people like it. It turns more heads than suicidally depressed for example; perhaps because suicide like depression has little entertainment value. The word insane takes control of the phrase and takes the focus off of depression and presto everyone is interested in what I’ve to say. I say, “I’ll kill myself, but maybe I’ll bite the doctor’s nose before I do” and everyone is looking at me.

In the bottomless abyss of depression , I’ve tried to look at positive events in my life and ended up concluding them as negative, which confirms that you can’t but look through the lens of the present moment. I believe that irrational feelings felt in deep depression are'nt any different from lunatic paranoia or psychosis. It may not be hallucinations of the senses, but it is hallucinations of the internal model of the world. The depressed person’s brain doesn’t see a bonafide balance of black and white, instead it finds everything in a sordid shade of dark dark gray. A cheerful, sun drenched, cloudless day feels like a gray drizzle. If this isn’t false coloring the world then what is?

Extreme forms of depression are no different than livid insanity. And in that bottomless pit of disorientation, “I’ve felt the wind of the wing of madness”."

Source: http://anambivalentlife.blogspot.com/

I want to stop but i can't

"I have a bad problem with cutting and breaking my arms. I'm so depressed all the time that it's a everyday thing. I want to stop but i can't the depression is just so bad its like i can't live with out doing it. I broke my arm last night and almost my leg to. I just don't know what to do anymore"

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/90208-i-need-help-badly.html

I feel alone

"Hello..I have been dealing with depression for many years by myself.I hide it from my wife ab family because I don't want to burden them with my problems.I have a family that loves me but yet I feel alone."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/i-have-lost-the-will-to-live/14336824/

I really need a help!

"I want to kill myself. What is the easiest way to do that? I just can't take it anymore. Life is pointless for me. But I am not sure how to die. To cut my veins or to take too much drugs... Why I want to die? Well, I am a creative person and I've always wanted to be a designer or an illustrator. I can draw very good. But my parents think that this is a bad job, and didn't let me go to the designer program. They want me to be a nurse, because they think this is the best job in the world. I hate everything related to medicine and I've never wanted to be a nurse. They were yelling at me, not talking to me, hurting me with words when I told them that I don't want to be a nurse. So my parents forced me to go to the practical nursing program. It's week five of my studying and I hate this program. It's not interesting and difficult for me! I feel so depressed. I don't want to be a nurse. I tried to talk about it with my parents but they just didn't listen to me. They said I wouldn't be their daughter if I quit this nursing program. So, I just don't know what to do... Now I just want to die. Every day I feel worse and worse. I can't study on this program anymore. Please tell me how should I kill myself? I really need a help!"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/i-want-to-die-what-is-the-easiest-way-to-do-that/

Everything inside of me is almost frozen and eerily still

"I feel so subdued, though I can hear my heart’s still beating but I can no longer feel a thing. My mind finally stopped wandering but my soul ceased to feel any kind of desire – everything inside of me is almost frozen and eerily still. I hardly recognized my own self – the me I know bleeds emotionally to death but now I’m just almost hollow.

The scars engraved on my wrists no longer remind me of my pain. They’re just as insignificant as my futile suicide attempt & as pointless as my life. It feels as though I’m in a buffer zone where everything is so indifferent and it made me feel so vacant. I am the void that will swallow everything about me, anything around me into total nothingness, exactly like what a black hole does.

Everytime I gaze into the mirror, I take a good look at myself – just to ensure that I haven’t vanished, I touch my cheeks, my lips everytime just to corroborate that I am real, that I can still feel physical touch. Last nite, I decided to read my old journals just to revive the pain that has damaged me before. There’s a saying, when you can still feel the pain, you at least know that you’re somehow alive. And so, I did just the same thing. I could feel my tears flowing as soon as I opened my old journal but my heart just felt so numb. What’s wrong with me now?

Am I on my way to full recovery or it’s just another vicious cycle that I have to go thru after yet another full-blown depression? I seriously can’t tell the difference this time when everything is so hazy, when I don’t even know my self… "

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/need-an-angel-to-heal-me/

Fuck you world

"I'm not depresed or anything. I just can't continue to live in this world of stupidity. Stupid people stupid things it's all stupid!

Fuck you world."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/b0j4n/good_bye_stupid_world/

Stuck with too much hell on my plate

"It was his birthday. They said I looked depressed.

Another day I let slip through my fingers. (I went to the bathroom stall...it was my period after all)

I contemplated how I'd fuck it up later (not him of course....no I'm not a whore)

No, I was seriously just kidding myself (because who else was I but ignored?)

I thought about the white not black. The spaces that I lacked. or....

He pretended to pay for my tab. 15 dollars or more

And then I walked back while he followed me up the road

To tell me I deserved to live not die

Like a movie....but not one I could even write

"Snitch!" The students yelled. It was mostly Patrick.

If I have issues, one of them is that I'm not really a loud mouth.

But what do you do, when the police confront you?

Rudy says that it was meant to be. Everything happens for a reason....

(so why did I accidentally call my dad when Rudy was giving me his number?

How did that happen? It must've meant something....

But my dad was worried. He said he heard the conversation

But he never said stay away from that man...he just said "He sounded concerned")

I admit I've been burned

On thursday they searched my room, and took me to the police station.

Confined me in a room and interrogated me about who sold me----

and it came tumbling out like all the prescription pills....

That I'm vowing to no longer take. They say "you're empty"

I'm no Sylvia Plath, and ovens are not cool to me.

And people can tell when I'm baked.

You get too lost in yourself, too vain, and your veins run dry.

I'll never take drugs again...20 people are my enemy.

I left the bar at about 11 pm. And Rudy ran after me

He caught up and caught his breath and he's 15 years older than I

He told me, never give up....because he thought I was going to

Kill myself? Well when people harass you so much

You'd like to do it sometimes, but I'm someone else

And I don't kill myself because of what people say or do.

They can laugh, make fun of me. They deserve their punishments

And I'm glad they're in trouble because they don't deserve

My sticking up for them....when it's 3 am again and I'm awake

Stuck with too much hell on my plate

Attempted murder, acid, alcohol, pot, suicide,

I'll skip out on the ride. What's on the inside?"

Source: http://jaggedpilldiaries.blogspot.com/

I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m practically drowning in my own thoughts.

"So…
I am 14 years old and female. I’m not stupid; I’m in all honors classes and maintain an A or a B in all my classes. I play guitar, piano, and violin. My three only friends. However, I am probably the most annoying, awkward, nervous, pessimistic, selfish, confused, creepy, lonely person ever. I am your all-around piece of shit person. Here I go again talking about myself….I have severe ADD and have had an anxiety disorder since I was 6. I can’t even do the simplest tasks without being a complete awkward failure. It’s hard to explain. I start shaking before tests and quizzes and I have panic attacks if the hallway is too crowded. When I like a guy, he knows it, because I space out and stare at him and act like a totally clumsy creep. I had crushes that liked me back, but I am such a freak, that when they tried to talk to me I ran away. What the hell is wrong with me? Any who, the thing about me hating people….

I hate humans. It’s not being hypocritical because I include myself in my hate list.
I was raped when I was 11. Enough said. My mom used to verbally abuse me I guess you’d say, when my anxiety was at it’s peak when I was 8 and I’d start regurgitating. She’d tell me I was "stupid" and a "mistake" and "ugly on the inside" in some horrifying yelling voice. I don’t have a dad. I have always been a loyal friend you know, and supported them and such. Every friend I’ve ever had has screwed me over. For example, one of my friends started doing cocaine, I tried to get her to realize she was being self-destructive, but she wouldn’t listen. I tried to stick with her, but she went off to a crowd of druggie kids. All the other friends I’ve had in the past left me to hang out with the popular crowd and what not. So now I’m just a lonely bitch. I live in sort of a bad area I guess. Sort of a snobby rich kid area. I refuse to be slutty or do drugs so that basically turns people against me. There are some good people, but I’m just too…awkward. I get bullied a lot by guys mostly. I eat lunch in the bathroom. I’m too chicken to even attempt killing myself. I’m just one of God’s mistakes.

You probably think I’m being over dramatic or whatever, but thats just my pessimistic, annoying, self shining through.
So… should I kill myself?
Run away?
Sell myself to science?
Befriend nature?

I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m practically drowning in my own thoughts.
Suggest whatever you want because I’m that desperate."

Source: http://www.mypanicattacksolution.com/blog/panic-attack-quiz/i-vehemently-hate-myself-i-hate-everyone-i-hate-humans

Im too young to be this empty inside

"so i seem to be more alone here than i ever was in California. At least in California I had people who made me think they love me.

I cam here for Ashley and all i have gotten in return is a clod fucking shoulder. i am sick of it. it has almost been a month. a long lonely month that has been eventful but nothing significant. i wonder why you wanted me to come at all. It amazes me that i moved my entire fucking life here for you cuz you wanted me to. I wanted to be the best friend i could. i wanted to be the best friend i wish i had when i moved my whole life from Nor Cal to So Cal. I never had that.

I know first hand how fucking stressful it is to move to a new place without anyone. without a single person to talk to. it broke me as a person. but it also opened up so many new doors.

I was so determined when i moved to so cal to not be the same broken angry girl i once was. and each time i moved throughout so cal i changed. i grew up as a person. i was able to see why someone didnt like me and changed it. i made a lot of enemies in nor cal and i never wanted that again. when you talked about moving and leaving your whole family for that guy you almost married i knew that i had found someone who felt the pain i felt. we had bonded over that. it was good.

after my ex, lets call him Stu, broke up with me when you were in South Carolina and i was in san diego i feel apart. i had less than a week to find a place and the girl that i made friends with while you were gone stabbed me in the back i knew that i couldnt stay in so cal any longer. i moved back to nor cal and tried to apply my new character that i created to the environment there. it didnt work. i was still known as the bitch i once was. i was still the angry girl no one wanted to talk to. this made me long to be back in so cal. when you returned to so cal i felt my heart calling to you.

then that horrible day in November when my dad was awake for the 3rd day and high on chrystalmeth and beat the hell out of me. you came to my aid you came and saved me. but it only seemed to happen when it was out of pure necessity. you had to save me cuz you felt obligated. or at least that is how i felt.
if i had stayed in nor cal i know i would have killed myself. i am positive. i was so thankful to have you and was looking forward to my second chance in so cal. i soaked every minuet in.

i resorted to making money here and there the best way i knew how...mainly looking pretty and getting my picture taken. i drove around hookers and watched as they made money by doing something that is so natural to our bodies. i watched them kill themselves every second they could. trying to block out the pain.

it wasnt long before Ashley went through major drama herself and wanted to leave it all behind. i am like that too and love to leave the problem rather than let it over power me.

i left with her cuz she wanted me to. i thought i could help her like how she saved me.

i respect her so much and every night i sleep next to her and wake up with her next to me. but still i feel like i am on another planet.

i am so depressed right now i dont really know what to do with myself.

i want to stop it all. i want to go home. wherever that may be. i have people who (only once i left) show interest in getting me to return to them. i have people in nor cal and so cal. i would prefer so cal cuz my dad is not there. but at this point in my life i feel like i have a lot more growing to do. i am at a crossroads. the road in front of me is the longest road and has no other cars on it. just me trying to make it on my own. pay my debt. make a name for myself save up money. the usual...but no boys no friends just focus on what needs to be done for me.
the road to my left is a life here with Ashley on the east coast and never looking behind me. the road to my right is returning home to california and struggling to make anything for myself. working my ass off everyday for the minimum and never amounting to anything.

i want to see the beauty this world has to offer. i want to go to ireland and live off the land and make a home there. that is some place that i dont know anyone. but then i fear that i will be putting myself back into the loop i first fell into when i first moved to so cal.

maybe i just need to fall off the face of the earth. no computer no cell phone. no address. just a passport and the clothes in a backpack. if i die or get kidnapped oh well. at least i will have done it for myself.

im too young to be this empty inside."

Source: http://kristamethrx.blogspot.com/

Is living supposed to be this painful?

"I feel like shit.
I don't wanna talk to anyone but to you.

-

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, completely drenched in sweat from a nightmare about you.

Nobody knows, but me.

I should be working.. I shouldn't be bogged down by these fucking emotions..

But here I am again writing another fucking pointless post.

Fuck my shrink.. fuck everyone. You say I'm okay, but is living supposed to be this painful?

I can't even remember the days when I smiled for no reason...

Now if I want to smile, I need something to create it.
I now understand why people drink themselves to death.

I'm slowly approaching that point.. I need to stop.. But I can't. I really don't want to be this depressed..

Drink myself full.. bleed myself blue.. repeat.

By the time I black out, I'm smiling. But when I wake up, I'm dying.

Forget my past, forget my future, forget my goals. My sole purpose for living is to become decaying matter.

Life is a death trap, and this planet is a shit-hole.

-

I can't help but have these horrible thoughts every day..
I can feel my sanity slipping away. I feel more and more restless.

I just want to lie down somewhere and sleep until everything washes over.

This is such a horrible hell for me, I feel like nothing I do in this life will truly benefit me.

I continue for no one, not even myself..

I wonder how many people would even be at my wake if I were to die this very moment.
Would the person at the next table even care?
My personal belongings would all be stolen long before I was sent to a hospital. Or even checked on.

Kill me..

Take me away to a better place.

Fucking selfish race of people..

It really is me against the world. No one would truly cry if you died.. They'd probably celebrate since you're not there to burden them anymore.

I no longer see people through rose-colored glasses. I only see the imperfections. The evil.

-

Is everyone really unable to see through my affectations?

Am I really that great at hiding it?

No. I'm not.

It's just that no one gives a shit.
Not to a useless college student.
Not to worthless people.
Not to me.

I see people with friends.
Short-lived spurts of false hope that they will be there to help THEM achieve what THEY want.
Not what OTHERS want.

...

I'll secretly stop caring then..
I'll secretly ignore everyone once more.
If they think they're going to take advantage of my fake and vulnerable visage, they will not see it coming.
I will continue to pretend.
I will put my mask back on and live a double-life.

Fuck this.. if people want to rip my fucking heart out then I'm going to carry a shield.

I'll never give myself to anyone again..

I belong.
To me.
And only to me.."

Source: http://asecretfromyou.blogspot.com/

WHEN WILL IT END

"WHEN WILL IT STOP
WHEN WILL IT LEAVE MY HEAD
WHEN CAN I JUST LET IT ALL GO
WHEN WILL I FEEL NORMAL AGAIN WHAT EVER NORMAL IS
WHEN WILL PEOPLE STOP STARING
WHEN WILL THEY STOP JUDGING ME
WHEN WILL MY KIDS ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM NOW
WHEN WILL MY FLOOD OF TEARS TURN TO HAPPY THOUGHTS
WHEN WILL IT END
WILL IT END WHEN I TAKE MY LIFE OR WHEN I JUST DO NOT CARE ANYMORE"

Source: http://you-live-my-life.blogspot.com/

They are all out to get me

"After things didn't go well with the ex on new years when I texted her to the point of her almost throwing in the towel of our friendship I have been able to keep things cool... meaning I have been able to give her the space a friend gives another friend... unfortunately it seems like every site I ever gave my email to is against me...

Hampton wants me to rent a room for a vday get together...

jibjab wants me to make fun of the girlfriend I don't have...

sunwing which lies about beachfront property and does not bother to respond to my emails.. wants me to take a vacation with...

Flouraqueen wants me to send flowers to...

Amazon, ebay... you name it..... they are all against the igebadia...

It is too bad they don't have an option where it only sends that spam me if I have my relationship status in facebook as girlfriend.. but then again all these companies who are trying to make me depressed would spam my feed for all to see.. cause that is what you do as a developer.. spam.. spam.. spam right up the ass...

Too bad they don't spam me a girlfriend who I can actually have a valentines day with...

not that I actually want a girlfriend... it is just it is hard not to wish you had one for the one day we need to remember to be nice to the one we love...

so I get to be depressed... and I am convinced it is the pharmaceutical companies trying to convince me to never go off my antidepressants again... like they have to worry after the whole anitbacterial soap thing ruined my testosterone...

They are all out to get me.. the cats told me this would happen...."

Source: http://www.gebula.com/

It's starting to seem like an amazing idea

"well it's starting to seem like an amazing idea.

all this stuff has happened in my life since i last posted, and i really cba to mention it all.

i'm so stressed out, and i just cant help thinking that the only way to escape it all is just to top myself.

then franky would realise what a dick he's being. and lee would as well, though he's no where near as much of a dick in the first place. maybe tom would realise as well, but i doubt it. then my friends would actually WANT to spend time with me. and my parents wouldn't be wishing i was perfect, they'd just be wishing i was still here.

it's the perfect solution, the only problem is that i dont want to give up. which i guess is a good thing, cause it makes it alot less likely that i'll actually kill myself, but it still feels like shit.

i was to get put back on anti-depressants, but i dont know if they'll do it. need to go see the doctor. desperately.

i've been ill for a week and a half now, and stressed out, depressed, having panic attacks, crying constantly, and having pointless arguments. anyway, i dont want to put any more, i'm gonna go to bed. (well i have been awake for a whole hour now...)

peace out."

Source: http://megantheshygirl.blogspot.com/

I'm completely isolated

"I don't really know what to do. I can't talk to any of our friends. I have been super depressed and despondent for a long time. I never cry really but now I can't stop. There doesn't seem to be any happy outcome. All I can do to keep from sobbing is think about how I'm going to get her back. I wanted to marry her. I've never been in a relationship nearly this serious before. All I can think of to win her back is to exercise and get really fit because she say's she doesn't find me attractive anymore... What's worse is that she is already trying to move on with some guy she is chatting with online. He lives far away but the thought still hurts a lot.

I don't even know if I want her back now.

I have health problems that have been plaguing me for years too. I'm pretty much constantly in pain.

Since, for the past two years I've been dating her I have pulled away from friends and now I'm completely isolated."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/awxgj/my_gf_of_two_years_just_broke_up_with_me/

People would never imagine what is going inside me

"I wish I could kill myself. I am so afraid of doing it, especially not succeeding. I know what would happen if I don’t succeed and people find out.

I am tired of my life. Am 30 years old. I’ve lived a lie all my life. I think its the first time I even talk about it, but I like men. I have had this secret inside forever and have never done anything about it. I am engaged to be married in 2 months. She is a great woman. My professional life is a disaster. I haven’t been able to find a decent job since I finish my degree and I have amazed an incredible amount of debt. My father is a big problem and we are tired of him. I don’t have any good friends anymore, the ones I used to have are all away now. I don’t know what to write, don’t know what to say I just know am tired, sad, lonely, a failure, desperate, suicidal, bored. I want to cry all the time, if you see me am 6, 2 tall. I am always laughing and having a good time, people would never imagine what is going inside me. I just don’t know what to do. I want to move away. Alone. I can’t. I have no money and I have been trying to find a job in another country for the past year and I haven’t been able to. Am pretty smart, good at what I do, but I don’t make enough money. I wish there was a pill I could take and in a second it would all be over. I know of the pain I will cause those I leave behind because even with all the stuff I am going through am loved. Truly loved. The problem is am a failure. I don’t know. This secret I carry, my professional problems, my loneliness, my future wedding, trying so hard to succeed, everything is this huge weight on my back.

I have to move out of my apartment in one month. I don’t know what to do next. I also know people will know I have to because of the rent. I can’t pay it anymore. I have all this credit card debt I have to take care of. I will move in with my parents. My mom, what to tell you she is sleeping the whole day, and my father he is the happiest man on earth, and a joke himself, I despise him for all the pain he’s caused my mother, but that’s another story.

Am tired, sorry everyone if I don’t make much sense, I just don’t know where to start. I have taken meds, I have exercised, I have travelled, I have talked to people, nothing, nada. Hope I find light soon if not I think I will go mad."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-wish-i-could/