Goodbye and hope that wherever I go I’m not in pain anymore

"where to start? well I’m 29 yrs old and l I’ve been depressed for a long as I can remember. I tried to kill myself about 9 yrs ago, I hung myself until I blacked out, it was almost painless the pain only lasted less then a minute then I couldnt feel anything, but my wife cut me down and they rushed me to the hospital so I woke up in the hospital angry that I didn’t succeed and now I was stuck going to a mental clinic for like 3 months taking pills that didn’t do anything to help, but at least I still had her. Well that was then and today she’s gone, we are getting divorced and this pain I feel keeps getting worst everyday, everyone keeps saying that it will go away and it’s been months and months now and It hasn’t gone away, I feel empty and alone without my kids and her, they have always been my only reason to keep living but now they are gone and I’m here all alone.

This past Christmas and new years were the loneliest for me I always had fun being with my kids watching them open their presents and watching their smiles when they were opening them was everything to me but this time I couldn’t, and I remember that in new years we used to light up the fireworks, and now all that is gone. I never wanted this for them. I miss being with them everyday preparing food for them , putting them in bed, taking them to school everything.

Well this depression is killing me slowly I used to weight 200 pounds in the beginning of 2009 and now my weight is 135, I also hurt myself like many of you but instead of cutting myself I burn myself with cigarretes. I really cant take this anymore the pain, the emptiness, and the loneliness is so much that I want it over, every day at work seems like an eternity but I have to go on as nothing is happening or someone may notice.

I promised myself that I was going to go thru with the divorce cause thats what she wanted, but that plan is over I just can’t take it anymore. I wont put details cause I don’t want anyone finding me and I’m really sorry for the people I might hurt. Goodbye and hope that wherever I go I’m not in pain anymore."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/farewell/

Slowly but surely I seem to be losing everything

"I'm young. Too young--in my opinion--to desire to kill myself, but I often do. This is not an outcry for help and/or attention. I am getting help, and somedays I even feel as though I have returned. However, I find that the majority of my time is spent in this state of being in which I am absolutely worthless. I tell myself the most awful things--most of which I know are not true. I will call myself stupid even though I have not received a 'b' since Middle School, I have above a 4.0 gpa, and am currently taking all AP classes save one. Regardless of the facts, I will brutalize myself. "I'm not good enough for that. I suck at this. She obviously hates me. I'm such a dumb ***. You're a fat and lazy waste of life." This monkey on my back (depression) has been there my entire life. The direct consequence of which would be that I have hated no one in my life more than I hate myself. Even as I type this, my mind is ridiculing my need to do so. I'm trying to rid myself of the monkey, but man does he have a monster grip! Slowly but surely I seem to be losing everything I have deemed important in my life. Instead of doing my homework through uncontrollable sobs I have merely stopped. My anger has and continues to push anyone that I love away. Perhaps I feel as though I do not deserve them.

Truthfully, I am fighting a war that has been striving for many years, but I am tired. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically, Mentally... I am exhausted. The mask I put on when everything is breaking under my feet weighs a metric ton, and keeping over my pained face takes all the strength that I encompass. But i'm running low. Life continuously kicks me whilst I am down, and I do not know how much longer I can take the blows.

Must keep fighting though. Never give up. I'll never lose this fight."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Battle-Depression/864828

11 lovely gashes

"So, today was my second group session. Yesterday was my first. Yesterday, not much of the group really pertained to me and I didn't talk at all. Today was different. There was less people (4 of us then 2 counselors) so I had to talk. A lot of cutting and eating disorder stuff came up. It was pretty intense for me. I'm not used to talking about how I feel or what's going on. I don't know. I feel like it's helping, and I kinda like it. I don't want to like it because I know in three weeks I'm going to be done. I don't want to be attached or like the people. It's really difficult for me. I feel like I got a lot of good advice, though. The people are great, and the one counselor who is helping out to learn more is hot! A little perk!

I got a little fed up today with not being able to cut like I wanted to. Since my mom took away my stuff and all. So, I went into her bathroom and found an extra razor head. I'm praying to god she doesn't notice one is missing. I need this. I then spent a half hour trying to get the blades out. I ended up having to break it in half and kinda use the bottom. Her razors are like the really expensive kind that are sorta screwed together. Crazy stuff. 11 lovely gashes. And they were deep too! It's sharp. I'm in love, that's the comfort I needed.

Jeff came over today at 2 with his kids. Drove me to therapy at 4. We had about 45 minutes to talk. I really love him. And his kids are amazing. I know I've said that before, but really, they're amazing. I told him I was cutting again without realizing. I asked him a thousand times not to tell my mom. I hope he doesn't. He said he hadn't decided yet. If he does, I'll give my mom the x-acto in my bathtroom. If she notices she's missing a razor, I'll deny it. His kids started crying when they had to leave. Their moms mean, my dads mean. They like my mom, I like their dad. I don't want to lose them. He's getting divorced and so is my mom. Even with all of the drama my dad is causing for both of them, he said he really likes my mom and wants to continue on with their relationship. My mom and Jeff are much more closer and lovey than my parents ever were.

I have so much on my mind to think about. This group thing has brought a lot up. I need to think and get control of my thoughts. It's all so out of control. I hope things get better. It's weird though, some of the things the counselors said to me kinda made me mad. They seemed a little upset at me, too. I don't know. Maybe they're just trying to help. Things might get better. Maybe. Day by day.

With love,

Lola"

Source: http://peaceloveana.blogspot.com/

Dreading the idea of another day on this miserable ball of water and dirt

"Yesterday I had one of my really bad days. I was already feeling sort of shitty from the beginning of the day (It was class registration and nobody knew what the fuck they were doing or they were just being a bitch), and then my 360 broke the same way it broke in late November and for some reason that just turned me into a miserable person about everything on the planet. I was enraged, sad, sick, tired, sick and tired, and any other negative emotion you could come up with.

My depressed days aren’t like that of the typical depressed person. I’m sad, but rather than cry about it, I usually just want to break shit.

I never do. I never get violent, but I just sit in my room brewing. Being filled up with so much rage that I guarantee, should my brother said one more thing I didn’t like, I would have ripped his face off.

That’s just how I get. I hate everybody I live with. I hate the people I don’t live with.

I hate politicians even more than I do normally.

I hate the corporations that buy our politicians and the fact that nobody really seems to be able to notice it or care, even more than I do normally.

I hate games more than I do normally. The whole 360 thing really pisses me off because it’s the first console I’ve ever been afraid to actually touch for fear of the thing breaking. If it’s too close to my dvd player I get a hard drive failure, and the plugs are so stiff that you’re just bound to break the fucking thing by just trying to unplug it..

I want to be the anti-fanboy. A hate-boy, if you will. I will play every game system but a 360. That is, if I didn’t own so many fucking games for the thing.

I hate my life even more than I do normally. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I don’t even have a direction. I hate writers, even though I love writing. I can’t really do anything else I want for one reason or another. I hate that I’m going to be going to high school for another class even though I’m technically done.

That’s a lot of hate, right?

Then I go to bed. Dreading the idea of another day on this miserable ball of water and dirt. There is no way I won’t kill myself tomorrow.

Then I wake up, and I feel better. Less anxious. I still hate the same things I did the day before, but I’m not enslaved by that anger.

The reason I call it the depression hangover is that along with the embarrassment of how I was feeling yesterday, I have this throbbing headache like I do after a night of drinking.

My theory is, my depression is a result of my brain deciding to get drunk on anger and sadness. If you don’t fuck your brain up with alcohol, it will find something else.

Alright, that’s a stupid theory. Hell, it’s not even a theory.

Oh well. Have a good day."

Source: http://adentai.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/a-depression-hangover/

I never feel okay

"what would you do if you were me?… there’s absolutely no way out of this shit…everything makes me feel worse, I never feel okay, I feel so depressed, I go out and feel suicidal no matter what I do, I go back home to feel more horrible, this time is unlike any other, I’m like unable to live in anyway, everyday things get worse, much worse…

I’m sick of trying to kill myself, it never works with me, and I’m sick of cutting myself… to make it short I’m sick of everything, and everyone…

even my friends are all nothing but fake, they get me in one fucking trouble after another and I never learn… and I’m sick of life, and hearing all that living bullshit that never changes, I can’t stand anything, I have no where to go, or anyone to talk to… my life is worthless and I can’t even seem to keep myself together from drowning deeper… for fuck’s sake someone tell me what to do… but no one really can… and I’m scared…"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/what-would-you-do/

I fucking hate myself

"I am worried about my SAT and the GPA and the ACT and the dog feces … all of this, but I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, depression and weakness. I think I might be bipolar, tell you the truth. In addition, I had to drop out of school, high school and seek a recent online home school program. I fucking hate myself. I have four AP courses are for family honor classes have not been educated. How should I do? I have this idea in my head, if I did not enter a good school I was worthless. The only reason is that I survive, so I can get into a good school. But even so, I doubt I can play!"

Source: http://www.depressiondisorder.org/2010/01/25/open-question-the-stress-of-school-makes-me-want-to-kill-myself/

They just don't know how it all feels

"First of all this week went by completely slow. Even though it was just a 4 day week it still felt too long for my liking. Well I'm still feeling depressed not to mention down. It's just something I can't get rid of, something I can't cope with and just try to push away. Sure I've been laughing and smiling but what good is that? I'm just lying to everyone, I'm just pretending to me something I'm not and that's happy. I still feel so stupid and hopeless that I still question why am I here and what's my purpose? It really pisses me off when people pretend to be something they aren't especially when they pretend to me sad and say stuff like oh I'm going to kill myself because I'm so depressed. You know what...shut the fuck up. They don't know what it's like to live every constant moment in fear that the thoughts and doubts in your mind will completely consume you and cause you to do something drastic. They don't know what it's like to feel worthless and useless. They don't know how it feels to be an outcast and have people constanting bugging you or saying something bad about you. They just don't know how it all feels. They don't know how it feels to not want to eat, to not want to sleep, to not want to do anything fun or exciting because the pain always takes over. They don't know shit about it. I'm tired of listening to people act like their something there not. I've been constantly thinking about hurting myself even more like not eating or sleeping that much. Not that I don't do that already. Last night I had this dream that I was fighting these two skeletons but it was a game that I happened to be in. Then there was this other game that was open but the thing is the devil was inside it just waiting for me to grab it so he could drag me down. Honestly that dream scared me. Another thing that scares me is the constant thinking "Well if I were to pass out, be near death or actually die I would make a point to those posers and show them it's not a laughing matter or a fashion statement" The reason it scares me is because I'm actually willing to go that far to make a point but not just that but part of me doesn't really care what happens. I don't know what else to do. I feel like leaving behind everything, giving up and just dying. Nothing has been giving me the sense of living these last few days. I just wonder how much more of this I will be able to take and what will happen to me and if anyone would care"

Source: http://actomboy.livejournal.com/

I'm technically just a drain on societies resources

"Is it time to just kill myself?... I just got kicked out of my mom's for like the 3rd time in 8 years or so. I've never had a successful relationship, never been able to keep a job more than a year, and now as of today I find myself homeless, jobless, and my resources are about 100% gone. I'm at a friends using their computer right now, in mooch mode. I know I can't last long like this and no employer seems to give two cents about hiring me.

So the real question is, sometimes suicide is viable yes? I mean I'm technically just a drain on societies resources, air, etc. I'm 28 years old and have never really been able to give back, contribute, or carry my own weight. Should I just go get a gun and blast myself?

This is a serious question by the way, I'm not some kid or joker looking to make sympathetic people empathize with me. I'm really honestly about ready to just end it. Maybe this is my last call for help, before I get the guts to go ahead and do it. Thanks..."

Source: http://mentalhealthcares.blogspot.com/2010/01/is-it-time-to-just-kill-myself.html

Freak Of Nature

"I'm so down on myself most of the time. I feel as if there's nothing in this universe that can make me better. I wish I was normal. I wish I could be as happy as some people out there are. But everytime I look into the mirror I see a 'Freak Of Nature'. It's like having a second arm or something. Everytime I walk down the street people are staring at me. I didn't ask to be born this way. Yet, I live through life enduring it's effects. I didn't ask to be ridiculed and insulted through-out my lifetime of living. All I ever wanted was a girfriend. Even a friend of the opposite sex to talk to. I know it may sound selfish of me to ask that but I have enough male friends who really doesn't do much for my mood. I know I need a special girl, a best friend who would listen to the stuff I had to talk about.

I know what most would think. He's just after sex. To be honest, I've already had sex, it was. . .sex. But it wasn't what I needed. I need someone to have a heart to heart with. I know it's basically pointless to rant about it here, but if I keep this bottled up then I'm really going to implode. I lost the only girl who ever "cared" about me. She didn't want to be near me anymore. As much as it pains me, I couldn't blame her for her decision. I practically gave verything I had just for her. When she made a stupid decision that resulted in my car getting stolen, I forgave her and never used it in an argument.

. . .lol, Is it really pointless to expose my feelings here? Because most likely all anyone can offer me is advise that I've already tried and failed at. My heart husts so much. . ."

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/88351-freak-nature.html

I want to kill myself but I dont want to die

"...i want to kill myself but I dont want to die.
I want to be free but I want to keep everything I have
I want to feel pain but the more I feel it the more I wish for it to go away
the more I wish for it to go away the number I feel
the number I feel the more long for pain I want

i want to kill myself but I dont want to die, does that make sense?"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/i-want-to-suicide/14334694/

Should I kill myself?

"I'm 21.i live in my parents basement, I have no job, no money, nobody to love; I'm severely depressed, I feel hopeless, useless, i'm a failure...i decided i'm not going back to college yesterday because i'm broke...i want to kill myself.I've cut my left arm 3 times, neither of which I remember doing...i've been on antidepressants before, but I didn't like them, and i'm afraid to go back to a doctor to ask for help because I dont want to interact with people...should I kill myself?"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/depressed-and-hopeless/14334618/

My body is scared that maybe I have only 24 hours left

"So, here I’m again. For a past few days I was thinking like it’s getting better. OK, no more depression, it was just an illusion. You are not really depressed. Just a moron who thinks that he has a bad life even though his life is a godlike from an objective point of view. But this morning all hope was gone. Here I’m again thinking about the fact that tomorrow I will get an ultimate chance to finish it. It’s so easy, just take a plastic bag, fasten it around neck and wait. 1 minute, 2, 3, 5, 10 end… So what the hell I’m affraid of? Would I be missing this life? Not at all. Sure there are things that I will miss such a music, sunset, summer storms, but I will get rid of so many bad things in my empty pathetic meaningless life full of pain. What will I do? Am I able to try it at least? Am I so weak that I can’t even try to finish my life? I wanna cry, but I can’t. That’s weird because when I was in early teen age I was crying relatively a lot. But now I can’t. I haven’t been crying in 10 fucking years and I want it so much, but my body stops me everytime when I try to get myself sob. It would relieve some pain, it would… Seems like my fear of people started when I stopped crying. My body is scared that maybe I have only 24 hours left. My mind doesn’t care because my mind is already dead and one part of me is sitting here and longing for the end. When I imagine the situation when I have my head stuck in that bag I’m happy, but also afraid. What if I end up in hospital with coma or unable to move but still consciousness. When I think that in friday I will no longer exist I feel scared. But why? That’s not me who is scared it’s my body. What’s the thing that holds me back. My family? Yeah they will be sad after I will be gone. For what? I was just a unimportant part of their lifes. Not someone who they really need. I was even yelling at them sometimes. I hate myself for that. They seem like they didn’t care or they know that I didn’t mean it that way. Now I’m in situation when I want to be dead and don’t want it at the same time. But I promise myself that I will try it. One day, maybe not tomorrow, but one day for sure. God only if I have a nerve to do that. I want it. I will do it. Someday.

Anyway I’m sorry to bother you with a post that doesn’t make sense, but I just needed to pubish it somewhere and not just delete it all, like a many times before."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/tomorrow/

I feel like such a unredeemable failure

"I got hired out of grad school, only to be fired five months later. Now I get some work as a freelancer (I do video production). Money comes in in fits and starts, and I'm continually searching for part time work to fill the gap.

But I feel so ashamed of myself to not be making more money. I live at home, and don't have much overhead (which my parents constantly remind me of). This only makes me feel worse. I want to be on my own. I want to be making enough so I can live on my own and pay my own bills, and be able to save up to buy new gear and maybe travel a bit. Not to mention, not having much money or my own place means I'm work less than f**k all to any woman. Who the hell'd want to be with poor schlub who lives with his parents, and has no immediate prospects of advancement.

Worse still, I'm afraid this will all force me to abandon my dreams, and get some awful job that slowly kills me, all for the necessity of living. I don't know if I could do that. Living and working just for the sake of living and working? If that is my lot in life, I'm going to kill myself now.

I feel like such a unredeemable failure..."

Source: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt116890.html

I'm afraid if I am left alone much longer I'll kill myself

"Signing in, last night was awful. After sleeping with my good friends best friend, who is married, (they're in the middle of a divorce), I had to confront my friend about it. In short he said he forgave me but didn't want to be around me for a few months, the guy, (we will call him Jack) can do whatever the fuck we want, that he doesn't trust and I am a whore.
All night I have contemplated suicide. I even looked up bible verses on the subject; that and punishment, love, and death. I cannot find anything about God loving us, just us being told why and how to love him. Now, don't get me wrong I do love God, so much! I would just really like to see something written that he loves me.
I'm afraid if I am left alone much longer I'll kill myself and I know for a fact if I had a gun I would have several hours ago. I have hanged myself once and I just can't muster the courage to do it again. I have slit my wrists before and I just can't seem to do that either, or over dose or poison myself. All of which I have tried before. It seems every method I tried in the past fails to work on me now out of fear.
I don't know what to say, I just wish I had my friend back. And just so anyone out there reading this knows, I am not suicidal because of this one thing. There are MANY, MANY, MANY, MANY reasons why I want to die and why I have thought about since I was eight years old, I just turned 21 on Thursday and it seems to me the older I get the harder it gets for me to find reasons to keep living and I don't even know if I want help or not, I could get it but I don't know... oh well I am going to attempt to sleep... Sorry for the rant it's been a very long time since I have been this depressed and I am fairly sure when I go back and read this later,(I always reread all my stuff 100 times,) I will get even more depressed because I sound like a fag ass Emo bitch kid. Fuck."

Source: http://chantelchandler.blogspot.com/

I try to be a good person because i don’t want to be a part of making anyone else feel the way I do

"I’m constantly sad. I feel like I can tell where most of my problems come from. who has caused each insecurity. But in the end all that’s going through my head is it’s all my fault, that I’ve asked for all that has come my way, that I’m worthless, that the people around me would be better without me. I work all the time to stay busy and have less time to think. I drink, smoke, and pop pills when I’m not working to try and get to a point where i can be numb. writing this makes me think of how selfish i am by only worrying about myself. every sentence starts with “I”. but at the same time I wish instead of always trying to stay busy and avoid the past and present I could take a moment and just be content. not have to do anything. Males have pretty much left me fucked up. I do believe there are some good guys out there, but I’m giving up on trying to see the good. I’m 20 and have been beaten, video taped while getting attack, raped, used, and lied to more times than I can count. I try to be a good person because i don’t want to be a part of making anyone else feel the way I do. I’m pretty sure no one will read this, but i wanted to put it out there anyway. everyone keeps saying things will get better…but after years of hearing this I’m starting to feel there is no hope or “happy ending”."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/putting-all-my-energy-into-other-things-to-forget/

I want to be happy

"I've been suffering from depression for 4 weeks now and now at the moment, I want to kill myself. I've been down this road so many times. I've been through therapy:in psychology and psychiatry for more then 5 times in one year and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if my meds are not working anymore nor the therapy. But right now at this moment speaking I just want to end my life so bad. I know it may not solve anything by wanting to do this but I'm rally close to making a final decision.

Like I said before, I've been in therapy and on meds for over a year, I wrote down how I felt everyday, I've spoken about it to my therapist and psychiatrist. I feel no emotions wether its the happiest moment im living with friends or family. I just dont feel sad or happy. I want to be happy, I want to be able to feel emotions again. But I already had the help that I needed. Now, I see no more options or solutions to this problem, but I'm just so close to ending this life of mine at 16. I'm sick of everything. I did and tried everything and now I'm done trying. I just wanted to ask a question if there is one last thing I could possibly do to stop myself from wanting to end my life ASAP.
Thank You"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/General_Other/right-now-i-suffer-from-depression-and-want-to-kill-myself/

I'm just so tired, scared and confused

"When I was a kid I often played boy roles with my friends who were girls and of course had girl roles with all my friends who were guys. However, the older I got, the more I played as boys with all my friends until soon I stopped playing as female characters altogether.

Ever since I was twelve I realized that I hated my body. I hate having boobs. They always make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. That's why I wonder if perhaps I might be transgendered? I hate sports, but I don't know if that matters because a lot of my guy friends don't like sports.

By the time I was fourteen I was depressed because I felt uncomfortable all the time. To this day I hate drawing to much attention to myself because I often feel like I'm not myself, if that makes any sense.I can't let myself date anyone or get too close because I don't want to embarrass them or have them hate me. I can't tell if I don't want to have sex or if I don't want to have sex because I'm a girl. I already resigned myself to being one of nature's bachelors. Still, I'm attracted to men. I hate when people address women and I know they are including me, and sometimes I even hate women although I'm not entirely sure why. I just want to be me and I'm not even sure who that is anymore. I've been trying so hard not to draw attention to myself for nearly a decade now that maybe I'm not really anything anymore.

I don't know, I'm not explaining myself very well and I want to talk about it, but I don't think my family will accept me if I tell them. I want to be sure I'm transgendered before I say anything and ruin everything. I'm just so tired, scared and confused and don't even know what to do anymore. I don't think I'll kill myself, but some days I just get so depressed that maybe one day I just, I don't know. A couple years ago I told my therapist that 30 seems like a good year to die, and sometimes I think, wouldn't it be nice. I know I wouldn't slit my wrists because it's too messy, and I wouldn't hang myself because suffocating while conscious doesn't seem like a good way to go, but overdose of medication would probably knock me out and I'd die in my sleep with any luck. Sometimes I think about that and it makes me hate myself but still feel a bit comforted.

I'm also scared because I think I am transgendered but what if I never get to be happy?

I don't know what to do anymore and if you could help me out I would really appreciate it. Thank you for you time.

C.M.

P.S. sorry the structure of this message is so sloppy, but I really don't know how I'm supposed to talk about this."

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/how-do-you-know-if-youre-transgendered/

In my darkest hour I am my own worst enemy

"In my darkest hour I have often held my life in my hands… I’v wondered many things that a mind of insanity would wonder… My darkest hour has always made me think… Is it worth, Will I be missed, Why is life so hard… The world may never know or understand how someone could slip and fall so deep. I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes plenty of times only to snap back to reality and save it for another day… Days go by, Weeks, Months, Years… Still here… In my darkest hour I often wondered will anybody miss me more than I’d miss myself… Will anyone cry harder than I’ve cried living alone and depressed… Does anyone else see that this is cry for help… HHHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!- !!!!!! Silent cries… Silent Tears… Silent…. In my darkest hour I was saved but often will it be possible… In the nic of time I was saved from my worst enemy… The same enemy that’s always looked out for my scholastic well being… But when looking out for me my enemy is against me… As for my mind is the enemy at hand running different depression scenarios in and out…. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! In my darkest hour I am my own worst enemy and this has been a war that has gone on for way too long… I hear a voice in my head yelling somebody kill me… another saying don’t do it your better than that… Another You’ll never achieve greatness… The next your my most beautiful creation… Then a tear runs down my face and I see… That someone loves me and I alone cannot be responsible for the pain I’d cause them… So on repeat I hear a mother’s voice whispering your my most beautiful creation and I’d never have it any other way… I am saved again from my darkest hour…"

Source: http://en.netlog.com/WESTonDECK/blog/blogid=3557689

Im in this world alone

"I have no life..I have no choice, Its like im being pushed to do it.. I came to this country when i was a little girl, little do i know all i had to be put thru with this place..
I have a medical malpractice= pain everyday no medical help or anything, i am starving most of my days..i try to pay for my meds but cant so now i self medicate myself, I am Homeless an dont have a job, I can do Medical Billing, but this country say i have to get married to get my papers fixed in order to work,and ive been here for so long.. unfortunatly in NYC there are only grimmy people that ive came across that depress me more and try to take advantage of me, I am gay so im dealing with being a gay black woman, no women i know is really gay, mostwomen as well hurt me, they in it for the wrong reasons, I have no family my family disowned me because im gay..so im in pain physical and mental and in the streets of nyc, no job, no food , no place to stay, i want to babysitt because i can do that gig off the books but i think im in too deep i look depressed an noone talks to me, or wants to give me a simple gig.., an i dont know why i havent done it yet..maybe because i dont want to come back to this world in limbo, or be sent back here, or be in pain or unsucessfull with my suicide, i just want to go!! quick and painlesss and happy i want all my sadness to go away..so i can be relieved of pain lifted off my shoulders, all this can be resolved if i get the right person to marry me, and i will take care of them believe me..i do medical billing and general accounting, but my papers is fucked, and i want to move out of the U.S. so i can get the medical attention i need, but im stuck..i have no job/ money..I WANT TO GO To ENGLAND..but i cant and im suffering until then..i been going thru this for 4 years in the street starving, an depressed...SOMEONE HELP ME....I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO..but i suggest hanging myself or pills an i cant afford pills so i will hang myself..an i jus have to get drunk,and fucked up, and just do it... "

Source: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/11813347

I just want someone to talk to, to understand what I feel to help me through this

"I just want to die, for years I’ve been thinking of suicide no one knows everyone sees me as care free and happy, my parents love me but i let them down I have a GF who loves me I’m not sure if shes it though I’ve messed up bad in school everytime I try it gets worse, I’m grade 12 but still doing grade 10 classes because I skip way to many days due to depression I say its because I’m sick, really all I want to do is die I’ve thought about ways to do it, easy quick ways but a part of me doesn’t want it, I can’t talk to anyone in my life about it they wouldn’t understand my life seems fine, but I’m just always depressed hatin every moment of life I just want someone to talk to, to understand what I feel to help me through this I turn 18 in 3 days I thought about doing it on my birthday, The only reason I haven’t I think is because I care to much about the people around me, I’m sorry this post is rambleing no one will even read this probally I just wanted to get it out….."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/so-tired-3/

I don't think I'll be able to go through this big joke my life has become for long

"Today was supposed to be a good day, I was about to get a new job but I'm not even sure it will work. As usual, I had difficulty throughout the interview and I was reallly nervous which didn't help at all. Now, I'm on trial I'll be working there this afternoon so that they can see how I can handle the work. If it doesn't work like it's supposed to, I don't think I'll be able to go through this big joke my life has become for long. No matter what I'm trying, it just seem like I end up being the creepy lonely guy. I can't handle the pain anymore, I considered it to be ok when I was younger, I didn't care if I had a shitty job and I didn't care if I couldn't get to do anything else but now it's just too much."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/ao9rk/may_put_an_end_to_that_joke/

I’m either gonna commit suicide, or I’m gonna change the way the entire world works and thinks

"I want to kill myself. Not because I’m depressed, but because I am being manipulated and lied to by my government. It honestly disgusts me THAT much to know what we (America) are doing to the rest of the world. I can’t stand how we’re a country of spoiled brats…and we’ve been trained to be that way. We are taught to consume, consume, consume. Teenagers in other countries have to quit school to work in the factories that make our cheap, disposable items. We’re ruining kids’ lives! God, it just DISGUSTS me! I’m either gonna commit suicide, or I’m gonna change the way the entire world works and thinks. I’m not quite sure which I’ll be doing."

Source: http://live.grouphug.us/x/5584

I'm scared. I'm lost. And I'm trapped.

"Hi. A couple of months ago my grandpa died from cancer, and I was really close to him, and loved him a lot. A little bit before that, I was diagnosed with depression, but my parents didn't tell me. Then, under false pretenses, I had to take another long series of tests, which, again had the same result. They still didn't tell me, and I found out from my therapist, who I have to see for parents issues. The parent problems have been going on just about forever. My mom especially. She also treats me like I'm worthless, and I'm starting to think I am. She hits me, leaves bruises, scratches me, and hurts me, inside, and out. She has broken fingers, and scarred arms and faces. There are only two people I've told, two close friends. Recently it's been getting worse. She has been screaming at me about what an idiot I am, how stupid, fat, and ugly I am, and how I don't mean anything to the family. She says she wouldn't care if I was there or not. I'm starting to agree. On top of that, my grades are sinking low, to the C range, which she considers unacceptable, to say the least. Also, I have been feeling extremely down, with the depression I mentioned above. This year it has gotten really bad, fast. I have started cutting and drinking, and even doing some drugs. It makes me feel better for about 5 minutes. Then I feel like crap again. I've thought about killing myself many times, and I've even tried once or twice. I don't know what to do. I am sort of thinking maybe I should just run away from it all and kill myself. Or just run away and stay with a friend or something. I just know one thing. I can't live with this anymore. I'm scared. I'm lost. And I'm trapped. What do I do? "

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/what-should-i-do-29/

I think of never existing and it makes the crying stop

"I'm 17, I'm a girl and i can't stop crying, i tried to go to sleep and I woke up because I couldn't anymore and I'm probably going to ditch school today, I just wish I was brave enough to kill myself, i'm too afraid of the pain but it's all I think about it. I'm in class listening to all these people talk about there good summers and weekends and experiences, or listening to my teachers tell me I'm not smart and I don't pay attention and then I come home and listen to my mom tell me to get out of her room after I tell her all the stuff going on in my head, like she didn't hear a word I said, and it hurts. God why won't it stop, i called a suicide hotline yesterday and I asked her what made her get up in the morning and she said "Doing homework", and as soon as she said that, I knew I would still feel the same way I'd been feeling. She said that hotlines are meant to be an outlet. to get it all out, but you can't really get anything out because they're saying "That must suck" "That's really messed up" but the enthusiasm sounds so fake and displaced and that's when I realize they don't know me, and i guess it's hard for me to believe that they care. I called everyone on my contact list (family members since I don't have any friends, well i used to but they keep "losing" my number and I don't think they want to talk anymore, so i just stopped calling) and no one answered, then my auntie, sent me a message saying "I'm at work..blah blah, I hope you're doing all right" and I yelled at the phone that I wasn't alright, and then I think maybe I should talk to her, but then i remember the last time i did, and she was talking about how I'm so sensitive and how I need to be stronger and not let everyone affect me, but she doesn't understand how hard I try to to not care what people say about me, and then i think about the girls at school that don't even know me yet they've continued to make fun of me since freshman year, and sometimes when I'm feeling really good about myself, they just out of nowhere start laughing at me and then i wonder if they would be sad if i died, or would they still laugh, would they call me emo, even in death? And then i think about the boys at school and how they whisper to their friends "She's yours" in a game of sorts, and then they all say no no she's too ugly to be "mine" back and forth until I've finally finished walking the distance i need to get out of earshot. And then i think about how I tell the adults that talk to me and that show me that theyre kind that I'm going to college, but i'm not. I can't because of my grades, and then i think about how the lady on the hotline says a part of me doesn't want to really die since I called, she said it was sort of a subconscious way of me telling me not to kill myself. And then i wonder why or how I've survived this long, even writing this now when it hurts so much, and I wonder about those super optimistic people that never let anything get them down and I wonder how I can be that way, and then i think about my future, and I'm scared that I won't graduate, and then I think about the people at school that push me around wanting to get confrontation out of me, but I don't do or say anything, theyre just hurting me for no reason, and then I think about how everyone says "You never smile, you should smile more", and it's like all of those times I was happy and laughed and smiled they completely forgot, and if they forgot so quickly why should I even think for one moment they care, and then i think about where i live and I think about how much I love my mother and how she tells me she loves me all the time, yet she continues to ignore me, and she didn't even care when i said i didn't want her boyfriend to move in with us. I said no, over and over and she still let him stay here, and he yells at her and calls her names and makes messes in the house without cleaning them up and I clean them because it gets so gross, and then i think about running away but i can't because i have to finish school, because if I don't my family will be disappointed in me and then i think about making a good friend on here and then he just forgets about me and doesn't respond to my messages, and then i think maybe he doesn't care either. And i look around trying to find that person that cares and I can't, and the crying won't stop. And then i try to find something to be happy about, and it stops the crying but then I just start again because I remember. And then all these images of me, jumping off buildings or shooting myself or hanging myself pop into my head and then i cry more because I imagine how painful it would be, how much it would hurt me, and then I wonder why I care so much about the physical pain when I can't even deal with the emotional pain now, and should just get it over with, and then i think about the way old people die, and how sometimes their lungs collapse or they suffocate or everything just stops, and I think about how I don't want to end up like that. And then i think about going to school in five hours and going through everything again, and it hurts, and I think about how people tell me it must not be too bad because I'm not "grown", or I don't take care of myself, or I'm not responsible for anything or anyone so I should be happy. And then i think about death again, and then i think about whether or not I should allow commenting on this because I know someone will comment that they "do care" and i won't believe them because I know it's just them feeling sorry for me, and it hurts that the people I don't even know feel sorry for me and the people i do know don't care. Or someone will say "I understand", "I feel the same way" and I know that they don't because we're all not the same inside our heads, and then i think about how many truants I have already, and wonder if the one i'm going to do in five hours will really screw up everything, and then i think about making a time machine and telling my mother to abort me because I'll become a crazy nazi person, and then i think of never existing and it makes the crying stop for now"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=178594

I'm just drifting away

"So I have been in one of these sulking and depressed mood for the last two or three days. I don't really know why. I've never really been pessimistic but this feeling seems to obscure my thoughts.

I had just been so sad and lonely. Since my friends of college went away to varsities I've had less ppl to share my feelings with, in real life. Mom doesn't understand me, dad is posted somewhere else. And this loneliness is haunting. Since I don't even have a formal institution to attend to I can't have new friends.

This made me so exasperated that I was doubtful if the goals I've set for my life were right, if thats what I want to do? Then there was an urge to kill myself and end all the drama. NO! I AM TURNING TO A DEPRESSED EMO!

To cheer myself up I decided to watch some comedy. I got American Pie 5 for I've been watching that series recently. But it just made the feeling more intense. I also wanted my gf to be here. To give me company

Oh whatever I'm just drifting away. Maybe its just one of those intense feelings of teen age. Hope I get over this excited state soon."

Source: http://coldbreeze16.blogspot.com/

Death must offer nothing but peace

"Why is everyone else so convinced there's a point. Even the depressed suicidal people my councilor tried to make me socialize with seemed to think that death was the point. Or at least a way to cope with the absence of one. I'm aware that i am one of those depressed suicidal people... over the past four years I've taken six overdoses, stolen over £700 from family and friends to spend on crap, been arrested twice for shoplifting, tried every anti-depressant in the book, been diagnosed with social anxiety, kicked out of first high school then college and i self harm. Apparently my opinions count for nought because i'm a loony. My brother has to have anger management because he can't control his little outbursts of frustration like when i forgot to shut his bedroom door and he threw me down the stairs breaking my arm; or when he caught me skiving school and pushed me in front of a car. My mother doesn't really understand me but i love her she's a good mum, so why does she deserve breast cancer. My sister is baby mad but her and her husband have been told she'll never be able to carry a baby to term. And now my dad's been rushed off to hospital following his second stroke. So what's the point. If my family (excluding me and my problems) have to suffer this kind of crap how can there be a higher power. Religion in my opinion is a load of ******** because honestly none of them make any sense. Death must offer nothing but peace so why won't anybody let me accept it."

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/why-am-i-the-only-one-who-cant-see/

I am seriously fucked

"So I've been thinking a lot lately, which really is a pretty dangerous thing for me to do. When I think I usually just come to the conclusion that I'm too fucked and should just kill myself. I haven't exactly gotten that bad, yet, but I am certainly getting there.
Anyway, what I've been thinking about mostly the past few days is why I can't just like/fall in love with someone who might be a little bit good for me. I mean, why is it the only people I have any “romantic”(and that is a pretty fucked up meaning of that once nice word) feelings toward are clearly bad people? One person who I like has specifically told me they don't care whether they talk to me or not, another has actually destroyed my property, and a third is just a whole mess all by himself.
But then I can find three guys who have liked me. The first-compliments me endlessly. The second-has told me that I deserve to have people care about me(what an idiot, right?). The third- is possibly the sweetest, most innocent boy on the planet. Do I like them? Hell no. It bothers me that they like me. It actually annoys me.
I just cannot stand to be liked.
In a way I suppose I am protecting them because I realized a while ago that I tended not to like those nice boys who would treat me like a human being, but just recently someone questioned why I don't like to be liked, and I had no answer for him. I don't like to be liked because that's too simple, isn't it?
Why don't I just accept it? Why does everything have to be a freaking battle? I don't know. I would love to be in a normal relationship, but clearly the only ones I value are the ones where I get thrown around and treated badly. Yeah, perfect. If I am depressed more than happy then perfect!
I am seriously fucked."

Source: http://chibichibibear.livejournal.com/

You make me want to die

"Paradox

You’re both a death sentence

and my oxygen

Just like a tourniquet

when a bone is broken

A deadly medicine,

A toxic antidote

And the lullaby i’ve got memorized

down to the final note.

You picked me up from hell

and left me to die just there.

We both know you can save me,

but you just don’t really care.

You try and piece me slowly

and I break when you hold me,

but I’ll pretend I’m fine

because you alone are my lifeline.

(Inside, you make me want to die.)"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/stupid-girl/

I started a suicide letter

"I'm not sure why I keep a blog. As far as I know one person reads it. Not sure why people would want to read it, my life isn't exciting. If anything my life is depressing. I'm not happy. A lot of people don't know that, but I cry more than normal. I used to only cry when I thought of my dad or grandpa. Now I cry whenever I think of my life in general. We're going to start the search for a therapist soon. I need to be medicated. It got so bad I started a suicide letter, doubt I'd ever use it. I don't think I could really bring myself to kill myself. I'm just depressed."

Source: http://missiemonster.blogspot.com/