Nobody can say that I didn’t try to fight for my life

"Two months ago, I got a refund check for my student loans. I said that as soon as the money was gone, I would be too. I’ve drank over a thousand dollars worth of alcohol, and it wasn’t the expensive stuff.

I’m down to my last fifteen dollars. I’m on my way to the store now to buy the stuff to kill myself with.

I’ve said that I’m going to do it before on here, but my racing heart, the logic telling me that dying is right, the gutter I purposely through my life into all says that it’s time.

For two months, I’ve slept with countless guys I met offline. We never used condoms, and one guy I know had an STD. But I stopped caring what happened to my body because I knew I wasn’t going to need it. I chugged alcohol hoping for alcohol poisoning. I’ve mixed alcohol and pain pills. I stopped going to class or even caring. I’ve done everything to screw my life up just for motivation for tonight.

If my family or friends read this, then know I’m very sorry. But nobody can say that I didn’t try to fight for my life. I died in January when I gave up. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I’m so, so sorry. Please don’t ever hate me."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/03/postsecret/

I just want to die...but I don't wanna be the one to do it

"When I was pregnant, I was talked to by my gynie guy's nurses about my history, as it all should be. I explained to them when I was 14 I became depressed, self-mutilated and attempted suicide twice (must not have really been attempts because neither landed me in the hospital).

They told me that with my history I would, at an almost 100% chance, have postpartum depression and that they would make sure to find out how I was feeling at all my postpartum check-ups.

So, I have my daughter on February 13, 2009. I'm fine in the hospital, I'm fine while staying with my mother. Hell, I'm even fine at home by myself with the baby. Then May comes, along with a doctor's visit. I feel SO horrible and SO depressed that I'm not a good enough mother and my money is disappearing and virtually gone and I haven't even really had to pay for a sitter yet. Her dad's only around when convenient and I just can't shake this feeling she'd be better off without me. He tells me I can't take antidepressants but I was not to give up pop since it may be the only thing keeping me from being seriously depressed. I wasn't suicidal then I just didn't know how I was going to make it and pull through. But I did.

Then October comes, and I found out they're closing my site and moving it to another state and now I'm going to be jobless come May. Despite all this being terrible luck, I'm still okay.

In July, I had found out my aunt and uncle were planning on moving to Nebraska. I lived with/near them just about my whole life. And they were leaving, taking my cousins (who are more like sisters to me anyways) with them. But they finally made it seriously official, with an official date, in December. They were going to be leaving on my daughter's first birthday and miss her birthday party. This upset me.

Now I'm going to stop here before you think all this led to my current situation. It doesn't. All this just made the situation worse, but as you can see in the beginning, it's not the cause.

For the past two months, I've been overwhelmed. Crying at the drop of a hat, which has scared SO many people because I am not that type of person. Some days are better than others and on my best days I can appear to be functioning like everyone around me. Other days, they ask why I'm so quiet or what's wrong.

Last Wednesday, I cut again. I haven't since, but that's the first time since July 2007. I wanted to die so badly on Wednesday that I really felt at any point in time I could just drop dead and then maybe I could finally be happy. Now...I wouldn't really say I'm suicidal. I would say I wish for death. For me to say I'm suicidal would imply that I want to or feel I need to kill myself. That's not the case. I just want to die...but I don't wanna be the one to do it.

Since I'm in the job transition, I'm starting a new job soon and plan on getting professional help as soon as my insurance kicks in. I just had to get this off my chest now.

Have you experienced postpartum depression? How did you treat the depression? At what point is it not postpartum depression?"

Source: http://www.momaroo.com/723317591/at-what-point-is-it-not-postpartum/

Nothing is important to me anymore

"ok…so theres just alot of crap thats been going on my whole life, and im 15 and because of this i never had a childhood or a teenagehood and i grew up really fast and now im 15 and i take on to much i put these burdons on my back because i feel like i have to i have a duty to my family! and just these last 2 days ive felt like theres something in my head ready to explode and i can literally feel the pressure and i get really really bad tension headaches and i get anxious and scared about random stuff! and im not eating properly…meaning barely at all. i just feel like ive held it together for so long and kept it inside but now the cracks are showing and im scared because i feel crazy! really crazy but i dont like see or hear or smell things that arent there or anything its just im scared im gonna go crazy!
amnyway ill tell you whats actually wrong
summary:
brother and sister born with aspergers, adhd and other types of autism (skipped me)
got beat up by older brother, sometyimes younger sister (when i was a kid for example, hitting, punching, kicking,choking,throwing against walls ect..)
mother cliniically depressed…vegetable on couch, we dont talk, i say i love her she ignores me and says nothing, when i speak i might as well not bother, i dont want to see her clinically depressed anymore! i use to hear her cry, and thats the last thing a child wants their mother to be doing.

dad and me, best friends, but he is sad because mum is always taking his money and he works everyday then comes home and cooks and cleans and i try to help but he dosent notice and i dont want to see him sad anymore

my brotehr is disowned by my dad because he quit school stole 2 thousand doallrs form my dad twice and dad paid heaps of money to get him help but then sam got lazy and he wont get a job or anything and he smokes and all this other crap and he is also clinically depressed!

i help them in everyway i can! but i cant take a break from thinking abotu it cause that is selfish of me, to think of myself, and i dont get along with people my age and i dont want to

nothing is important to me anymore i dont want to do anything and things that were important to me arent anymore
and my mum has binge eating disorder and my dad exercises to the point were its dangerous and this has made me confused! and now im anorexic because i find my mother and food disgusting!

im not sure wether to be mad or sad or feel sorry for my mum and i think abot it aLL THE TIME! and thats whats confusing me! i want a mum! i want my dad back! *tears* sigh…and im moving schools next year going into year 9 and you know…i went from a sorta safe environment (at school that is
) to a not so safe one…its the summer holidays and…i have to much time to think and i cant live at my friends house!…and im always scared that someones going to kill themselves! sriously…and i just…i donno feel liek there should be something i can do although im doing everything i can! and i want my dad to leave my mum and i would go witht him because he deserves better but then i miss my bro and sis cause they will stay with her and she’ll think i dont love her and get even more depressed which i dont knwo how that is possible but i guess it is! and leik shes alresady tried to kill herself a few times! and once they did split and dad was alone becuase i couldnt live iwth him because he worked alot but now its NOT the day after my eleventh birthday im 151 i can take care of myself….sigh…
i feel trapped and chlosteraphobic, im never going to get out of this cycle you knwo the one thats like “im so selfish if i do anything for myself, this is my responsibity it will always be,fun!? excuse me who said you could have fun, not to mention why do you want fun your barely a teenager, you werent even a kid!” that cycle, and im lonely because…i just want a mum i would give up every once of sanity for them to be happy! i just them to be happy so bad…i dont want ot see them sad anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but they will always be that way…i dont even knwo how many times my mother has been to a phycologist or how many tablets shes on or how many times shes over dosed! and my dad had to go it alone while i was to young! and he bitches about my mum to my neighbours and thats just…not good, my mother is a child! and im the adult, its alwyas been that way. she didnt even earn to read or write or do anything becuase her parents neglected her which is what shes doing to me, i mean my siblings did need her more but i need her! i mean i could ener have her! i could ebevr do dancing til this year becuase of financial problems i sacrificed everything all my life, to amke it a little bit more convenient for them and thats why im moving schools because its easier for my mum because she can sleep in 20 minutes longer because shes happy when she sleeps!…
do you now see why my head is going to explode!?
help…amnd councellors are off limits because that w
would mean that my parents would find out! and that unnecessary stress and sadness and inconvenience i dont want to give them. sorry about my typos…i got overwhelmed…"

Source: http://www.howdoigetmydadoffdrugs.com/2010/03/10/ok-i-think-im-on-the-verge-of-a-mental-breakdownplease-please-help/

Maybe I’ll just kill myself

"I think I have depression.

This isn’t something I’ve really thought seriously about before. I’ve always been treated like someone who’s in a bad mood or whatever, so I’ve always thought about myself as being ‘normal’ but at the same time someone who’s failing. A normal person who’s failing.

But, I can’t be normal. I can’t see how everyone else is just like me and can just brush everything to one side and be happy.

I’m rarely happy. A few things will momentarily make me very happy, but most of the time I’m not that way. Most of the time I’m not even sad… more… empty.

The old I get the more I find I just don’t care about anything. Social conventions, being popular, making an effort, eating properly, keeping clean, having a relationship, working hard… it’s all such a struggle because I just don’t care about any of it.

I used to. Or I thought I did. But now I could care less. I just want to pack up a laptop and some clothes and I want to run away from my life and just move to another country. Until my visitor via runs out, then I’d just go somewhere else.

As it is, I can’t do this. Not because of money - I work from home and I could go anywhere.

But because somehow I’ve gotten myself into the situation where I’m five months from getting married and my soon-to-be-wife is too ill, and seems to love me too much, to cope with me leaving.

I don’t feel much any more, but one emotion I can’t escape is guilt. And I don’t have the energy to actually end things and have to go through all the stress and guilt that comes with breaking up with someone. I’ve done it before, with my ex who I left to be with my current fiance, and I’ve not been the same since.

So, I’m stuck. I’m heading loveless into a marriage that I’m already switched off from, hoping that each day will be the one that brings to me the solution to end all my troubles, because I’m too depressed to work things out myself.

I just want to be free. I don’t want anyone any more. I want to be by myself. All my life I’ve been conditioned by the world around me to find love, find a soul mate, have kids, get married, make the marriage work… fuck all of that. Who fucking cares? All people do is hold you back, get you down or break your heart. No one can ever be happy when they put faith in someone else. You can only trust yourself.

It’s a pity I couldn’t have worked this out 12 years ago before embarking on a string of relationships that I thought I wanted, but, actually, when I think outside the box, I really don’t.

So am I depressed? If I had the time to work things out, would I be able to want to be in love again and have someone? Or do I have everything worked out right now?

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just kill myself."

Source: http://confessions.grouphug.us/confessions/950331498

I’m 15 years old and tried to off myself a few weeks ago

"I’m 15 years old and tried to off myself a few weeks ago.

I write about everything in my diary, including a suicide note and how I tried to kill myself and how I started cutting. Well, me and my mom got into a fight one day, and she said that if I don’t tell her why I was going down this destructive path, then she would read my Diary. After she started reading I couldn’t hold it in anymore and started to cry and panic. I basically freaked out. My mom calmed me down and started crying with me and holding me and telling e everything would be okay. So lets see whats happened to me:

It all started Sophomore year.
In November I had just confessed to my mom tht my step dad molested me for a year when I was 11. (By this time he was living in another state)

My Grandmother died two days before christmas from natural causes.

My older sister died less than a month afterward.

My step dad was found is in jail at the moment. I might end up having to testify at the court date which is about a year from now.

One of my best friends just suddenly dropped me and stoped talking to me. Not wanting to friends anymore. When I tried to talk to her about it she just said that she had a bad feeling about me.

My grades dropped severely and when my mom found out I was no longer allowed to be a part of the family. I ate dinner by myself in the kitchen and stayed in my room the rest of the day.

I then couldnt take it anymore and made a plan to kill myself that night using pills. So that way no one would find me since everyone would be asleep. I talked myself out of it.

Well I’m going to get help soon. There are two options:
Anti-depressants or
Inpatient Therapy.

Is it okay for me to want inpatient therapy? I mean, I want to talk about my feelings to my friends and other people my age, but I cant at school because I dont want to come off as an attention whore.

P.S. I do see a counselor every week. But the week I wanted to die, she was on vacation….."

Source: http://www.antiagingarticles.cn/?p=4173

I sleep on thorns

"Hello sleeping in the middle of doing assignments! I need to get myself a table filled with thorns so that when I do fell asleep, I sleep on thorns. Slept while thinking of possible designs for an… apse. But forget that. I had a disturbing dream. One that might or might not reflect my current mental state. Even before anything happened, I was already aware I was in a dream. Or at least, I should have been considering I was seeing myself. I was sitting on my bed, Japanese style and oddly enough, wondering, how good it would be to die. Regrets? I had none. So, MAGICALLY, I brought up my hand which wield a kitchen knife and held the handle with both my hands with the blade facing towards my chest. Oddly enough yet again, I was thinking, I wonder if it hurts, but that though quickly got thrown to the side with just a, oh well, I’ll die soon anyway, and with a slight hesitation, I brought the knife to my chest and I even wondered, should I scream? It’s painful. I thought it was wise for me to scream but it seemed laughable so I just slumped to one side and waited for the pain to subside. Rather than my vision disappearing hazily, it was suddenly all black. My eyes were still open though (mind you, as stated before I was looking at myself). It felt so nice just lying there in that place. The black felt comforting and the void, reassuring.

And THAT, was when I got back to reality, waking up in front of my laptop, with a pencil in hand. I kind of pondered but I don’t think I’m that depressed enough to kill myself yet but the thought of not needing to worry about things anymore and the comfort and satisfaction felt when I was lying there in that realm of black felt right. Wouldn’t it be boring just lying down in a place where darkness and light did not exist? Just you, and all the black. But in the dream, it felt right. I didn’t have any regrets, I didn’t have any lingering feelings, I felt not happiness, not sadness but just a state of calmness.

No, I still have far too much to do before I leave this world :)

But, maybe I am depressed…"

Source: http://nanas.gla-la-lam.com/?p=343

I'm slowly losing my mind

"It feels like I'm slowly losing my mind. I don't know how to explain this. I still have a firm grip on reality, though. I don't know...I honestly can't explain it. I think I've been having some suicidal ideation, but I'm not sure. I have not been feeling like I want to do it. It's not really an option for me, but I've been curious about it. I don't really want to commit suicide...I don't want to die. I guess I want to just sell everything and go somewhere far away. Start over. I feel like everyone in my life has caused me some sort of pain and they just aren't worth it right now. I'm very disappointed with my life and how it has turned out. I'm almost 30 and I have nothing. No family of my own, no relationship (I think I inadvertetnly destroyed my last and most meaningful one). In the past two years, I have blown over $15,000 in savings trying to support me and my ex after she lost her job. I live paycheck to paycheck on a very good salary. I have maxed out credit cards that were previously payed off and can't even afford to make the minimum payments. I now have a strained relationship with my family when we had a wonderful relationship. I'm in school and I have absolutely no drive to complete my assignments. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and am now seriously considering medication because I don't think I can do it on my own anymore. I feel like I can't function as an adult. I feel like I can't do anything right. If I'm cleaning the house, everything else falls to the wayside. If I'm working on my finances, then the house is not clean. Why can't I do what it is that I'm supposed to do as an adult?? It's embarrasing and I'm tired of being ashamed of myself. I don't know what is happening to me, but I'm so tired of it. I just want to start over. I want to cut ties with everyone and just walk away. I think it would be better, and I almost don't care what anyone else would think or feel about it. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. It's so hard. I'm tired of being in constant pain. I'm tired of no one understanding me. I'm tired of the crying...I wish I could just turn my emotions off. Nobody else cares, so why do I have to? Why can't I be as uncaring as everyone else???"

Source: http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/Time-I-ve-Admitted-This-t43737.html

My life is kinda screwed up

"I just turned 14 and my mom kicked me out a day before my birthday. She hit me and stuff but before that i was always really sad and i would purposly hurt myself…My life is kinda screwed up right now and i had a pill problem but kicked it and theres a lot of shit going on. i was wondering what the symptons are for depression because i really want to kill myself but don’t want to leave behind my girlfriend. I triend once before and my mom walked in…idk"

Source: http://www.depression.cz.cc/about-depression/depression-symptoms.html

What chance do I have?

"There’s been a couple of recent high-profile celebrity suicides. Earlier this month, celebrated fashion designed Alexander McQueen hanged himself in his London home at the age of 40. Then this week, actor Andrew Koenig was found dead from suicide in Vancouver after being missing for several days. These are just the most recent – there’s also David Foster Wallace, Spaulding Gray, Kurt Cobain, Ian Curtis, back to Diane Arbus, Anne Sexton, Sylvia Plath.

Of course, there are a lot of people who commit suicide who don’t make international headlines and don’t get websites doing slideshow retrospectives of their careers and bodies of work. But I don’t always know about those – it’s only the celebrities or the dramatic suicides (burning down a house while inside it to avoid foreclosure, for example) that come to my attention through the media. And every single time it happens, it stops me in my tracks.

These events remind me that the monster of depression can always get you. No matter how creative and inspired you are. No matter how much admiration and respect you earn from the fashion industry, the music industry, the world at large. No matter how privileged and rich you are. No matter how well known your struggles with depression are, no matter how many friends and strangers love and support you, no matter ho many people feel your loss. No matter how many years you’ve spent running from the monster. It can always catch you. It can always kill you. You are never and can never be safe.

I follow the twitters and blogs of a lot of alternative comedy people and the past week has been filled with concern about Koenig’s disappearance and ferverent please for help in finding him and making sure he was ok. This is even more notable from the comedy crowd who tweet only silly and humorous things and have essentially broken character to express their concern and love for Koenig. While I realize I can’t tell whether Koenig had actual love and support in his life just from reading a tweet from Doug Benson, I can see that there was a network of people who were really worried about him and who seem deeply affected by his loss.

If I committed suicide, it wouldn’t make any headlines. I’ve done a lot of work of which I’m very proud, but it wouldn’t be reviewed and featured on the Huffington Post. And certainly a generation of people wouldn’t have vivid memories of where they were when they heard about my death, as exists for Cobain. (I was in a car with my dad on Folsom Ave. in Boulder, C0lorado, driving south, when I heard it announced on the radio.) So the fact that the monster overtook these celebrities makes me feel even more vulnerable to succumbing.

Everything they did, everything they had, it didn’t help them. Couldn’t save them. What chance do I have?"

Source: http://disabledfeminists.com/2010/02/26/i-cant-handle-celebrity-suicides/

Choose Light over Darkness

"My whole life I've had depression. I can remember being ten years old and reading in a Snoopy health book for kids that we lose between 30,000-40,000 skin cells each day. I was crushed. The idea that a tiny holocaust was taking place on my body every single day was too much to bear. I cried and cried. And then I laid in bed, numb. I had no desire to play or talk to anyone. There was no hope in this world. I might as well be one of those skin cells, lost in the abyss of nothingness.

Yeah, I was kind of an intense kid.

And it's funny in hindsight. Sorta. I mean, looking back on past troubles can often be humorous in a "Oh, what was I thinking? Why was I so upset about that?" self-deprecating kind of way. And there's something to be said for black humor. But there's also something to be said for depression.

Depression is an evil, elusive motherfucker. It comes in all different forms. Not everyone battling depression stereotypically retreats from the world, sleeps all day, drops out of school, misses work and all that. Sometimes it's this ever-present itch deep inside. It's a general ennui or Meh that dulls your senses and interests. It's not severe enough to draw attention to yourself, even to yourself. You might just think you're bored. Or lazy. Hell, maybe you are.

And maybe you think, "What do I have to be depressed about? I had a decent childhood. I have a decent job and a decent social life. There are people out there who have it much worse off than I do. I shouldn't complain." You feel guilty for being momentarily self-absorbed.

And maybe you try not to think about it too much, because what's the point? So you toss back a few beers each night or a few whiskeys each weekend, or maybe you smoke a few bowls here and there or just watch movie after movie to keep the numbness going. Or maybe to get rid of the numbness, you cut. Or fuck. Anyone. Just to feel something. Maybe you stop and start projects but can never finish. Maybe you're stuck and don't know how to move forward. So you wait. And wait.

And you might think, "Yeah, I had a pretty shitty father. And yeah, I was raped that one time. And sure I don't know of a single happily married couple that could serve as a role model for a good, worthwile, long-term relationship. And some days my self-esteem all over the place, but hey, that's life, right? Shit happens. Nothing's perfect. You live and learn and make the best of it."

And all those things are very true.

But something else is very true as well. It starts off as a tiny pea inside your brain, or perhaps in the back of your throat. You know it's there because it tastes slightly metallic and pinches from time to time. And if you let your guard down, it might retract it's tiny thorns just enough to slip down into your chest where it swells, warm and misty, and you hear it deep in your gut:

You don't have to suffer.

You shouldn't have to live like this.

There is another way.

There came a point in my life where I was so depressed I realized there were only two options. Get help or kill myself. Because the pain was so great I couldn't bear it anymore. I consider myself really lucky to have hit that point, actually. Many people never get that low, instead they hoover at this semi-tolerable level of depression. They can still go to work, still maintain relationships, still live for the most part normal lives. Perhaps they have bad spells, but they are so used to them by now they just chalk them up to a part of who they are. And worse, they believe that it's an integral part of who they are and they begin to pride themselves on it. "I'm dark," or "I'm a lone wolf," "I'm different," "I'm special," "No one understands me and I like it that way."

But are you happy? You might say sure. But hell, do you even know what happiness feels like? How would you if you have been dealing with this blah, this restlessness for so long?

I think I've been in this place for a long time now. It's not the sweeping, drastic, violent depression of years ago. But this might be worse. I'm ok enough to rationalize, to make excuses, to not be completely honest with myself. But two things have now become clear.

I don't want to suffer.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

I sat down on Saturday with my phone in my hand and a phone number in my other. And even though I've been through this before, even though I've promoted this and confidently helped others through it. Hell, I've even worked as a first-responder rape councilor myself. But no matter what your personal level of experience is with it, there is nothing, nothing that ever makes it any easier to make that phone call. To say those words. "I need help."

It has to be one of the hardest things a person can do.

And it has to be one of the bravest, strongest things a person can do.

Choose Light over Darkness.

I called the number and I made an appointment with a therapist. I did it."

Source: http://yourenotthebossofme-jsn.blogspot.com/

Death, please find me

"Maybe he’s emotionally abusive. But maybe I’m just as bad.

I can’t deal with how much I’ve hurt him. I can’t deal with being without him, with him refusing to talk to me.

Even if, somehow, he did manage to forgive me, where could it possibly go? Back to what we were before? No. He’s still married. And I still have a wonderful man living with me who cares about me and wants to patch things up despite what happened with this person.

There is no way past this. I want what’s impossible and every day is either numb self-delusion or the agony of staring reality in the face. I don’t want to forget him. I don’t ever want to forget that I was so happy, or trusted someone so much, or felt so loved. It’s unthinkable.

Apart from being universally hated and spat on by every other child in my school for ten years, I had a happy childhood. None of this horrible parental stuff, no abuse. It was just living like a social pariah at school, day in, day out, that got me into the suicide clinic when I was 16.

I have no self-esteem. No self-worth. No sense of honor or dignity. If I did, I’d leave this man alone to his family and go to the man who wants me. I’d stop cutting myself and knocking myself out with Ambien. I’d stop scaring the people who care about me.

I don’t want to wake up again. I don’t want the slightest chance of ever waking up to this reality again, and every single method carries that risk – along with the risk that you’ll have been discovered, have hurt everyone, and have made the reality That Much Worse than it was before.

Death, please find me. He wants me to have killed myself, and I can’t do it for him. Please make us both happy, and take me away."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-dont-see-a-way-out/

It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change

"Had a quick glance at my discharge letter. Lots of medical mumbo jumbo, though luckily having friends in medical school means it wasn’t too hard to figure out, and the things they didn’t know Google did! The letter sheds no light on why they thought I needed a chest x-ray, so that’s still pretty baffling, as is the fact that it talks about depression/low mood when I told every doctor I saw that I was feeling okay.

I didn’t try to kill myself because I was depressed, I tried to kill myself simply because I was too scared to be alive. The paranoia, the peculiar experiences, they don’t depress me. Maybe they should, but they don’t. They tire me out, yes. They terrify me, yes. But I am still able to laugh. I am still able to enjoy things. I am not depressed. I was a depressed teenager, I know what it feels like, and I know that this is not it. If only someone would listen to me, aftter all I do know myself better than anyone else.

The elusive crisis team finally paid a visit today, was a waste of time as expected – the woman they sent was here for all of five minutes, she asked the standard questions, seemed pleased when I told her I hadn’t had thoughts of harming myself (lies) hadn’t been scared by books/television/music (lies) and was taking my medication regularly (more lies). She complimented me on my hair and my dress though, so she gets bonus points for that, it’s nice to know that the effort I put into actually getting out of my pyjamas today was appreciated! She did suggest I should get out of the house a bit more, seeing as I haven’t left since I got home from hospital, but that’s not going to happen. Leaving the house is too stressful and if I’m honest, too much effort. I’ve got an appointment on Tuesday, which will probably take all my energy; I won’t be leaving the house before then. The meeting is actually with both the crisis team and the Early Intervention service, and she thinks that as long as I’m fine on Tuesday I’ll be discharged back to them. I will be fine. I am fine. Or at least, I’m really good at pretending, so either way I won’t have them to deal with anymore.

It’s not that I don’t want to be honest with the crisis team; it’s just that I can’t. Admitting to certain thoughts/feelings would make a hospital stay unavoidable, and I know any length of time spent as an inpatient would be detrimental to my mental health. Besides, spending time in hospital wouldn’t stop me from hurting myself, it might delay it, but the outcome would remain the same.

I am considering asking for a change in key-worker. My actual key-worker is on maternity leave, and has been since about November, I think, I know she’s due back around May. The man who has taken over from her, I have only met once, which isn’t particularly promising considering the amount of time she’s been gone. He is a nice enough man; it’s just that I don’t feel I’ll ever be able to open up to him. He only works for the Early Intervention Service a couple of days a week, so it’s really hard to catch him, and well, I just don’t think we ‘click’. I think I would feel more comfortable talking to a woman; apart from my CAMHS psychologist I have never really worked well with a man. He’s not going to be in the meeting on Tuesday because he has lots of ‘crisis stuff’ to attend to, so maybe I will bring it up with the psychiatrist then and see what he thinks. I probably won’t have the guts; I always feel terrible for upsetting or offending anybody – one of the reasons I didn’t tell my psychiatrist how bad things were getting was because I liked seeing him smile thinking he’d done a good job!

In other news, I’m getting a little obsessed with everything Alice In Wonderland in the lead up to the release of the film. Tomorrow I am ordering the most beautiful Alice inspired journal, a pocketwatch pendant, and a tea party charm bracelet. Happiness!

‘It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.’"

Source: http://thesunshinediaries.wordpress.com/

The feelings dont stop

"i dont want to be like this but the feelings dont stop they get worse it is the reason my wife left me and my kids dont respect me
i cant enjoy any thing any more icant watch tv go out with my frinds they tell me i bring them down , i do want a real life but at this age i dont think there is hope for me , i been this way as long as i can remember my wife helped me alot and got me through a lot of bad times but she left me because she got tired of all the bs , now i have no one and dont want to live anymore"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/i-want-do-die-but-i-cant-kill-myself-i-am-45-years-old-and-i-have-felt-this-way-all-my-life-but-now-its-getting-worse-/

Somedays I wish that I were blind so that I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror

"Somedays I wish that I were blind so that I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror. I hate how disgusting that I am, and I hate how people lie to me and tell me how cute, sexy or beautiful I am. I can't see any of those qualities in me..alls i can see is my fat thighs..arms..my fat everything. I want to see my bones, free myself of this shell and become beautiful."

Source: http://momochi856.blogspot.com/

I want to feel better but i can’t

"I have bi polar disorder and i’m 19 years old and i am really angry and depressed right now because my life sucks and everything is not good at all. I can’t seem to have any of the good things, i want to drive so i took the driver’s permit test i fail two times in a row and looks like there is no hope of driving a car because i can’t remember what i’ve read in the book. I’ve also always wanted a girlfriend but when i tried asking girls out, they said that i am ugly and one girl said that she wanted to throw up just when she looked at me. It hurts my feelings that no girls are intrested in me and i’m very depressed because of that. Recently, my parents brought home a puppy and it seems to get rid of my depression a little bit until the dog had problems when it pooped out worms and now they want to get rid of it even though they took it to the vet already and had shots for prevention. What could i do about my depression that is interfering with my life ? I feel so sad and depressed because of this situation, what could i do so i could feel better again ? I’ve tried some home remedies for depressino but it is not working. Would there still be any chance of finding a girlfriend after getting rejected all of the time ? Could anyone please help me out ? I want to feel better but i can’t and i feel like i want to kill myself to get out of this misery !"

Source: http://unibersus.com/2010/02/25/what-could-i-do-about-my-bi-polar-depression-that-is-interfering-with-my-life/

Im so lost

"If i try again tomorrow, it will be attempt number 7 on my life. i live with minor brain damage and ADD and am fucking depressed, none of my “friends” talk to me and when i try and talk to them they dont pick up the phone or reply, im only 18 and moved out of home, i cant get into uni and missed out on tafe no one will hire me so im fucked, i contemplate suicide everyday and research methods online, i see other people talking about prevention, how to get help, how they can relate to shit, i think its all bullshit, i dont even know why im posting this, im so lost, i think ill buy a pipe and kill myself by co2 poisoning.. but then i wont."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-just-need-a-gun-and-a-bullet/

I just need to talk to someone who can understand

"why are people so mean? Im not making this up, I ran into a girl I knew from high school the other day...and she saw that im still having a very hard time with my OCD and panic disorders...and she was always mean...but she told me that OCD is fake and its all in my head and that I should just kill myself because everyone is sick of me and that my sister would be better off if I were dead.......ive been in tears over this for a few days....it really upset me because I almost feel shes right......How can someone be so mean.....sorry this post is kinda pointless I just need to talk to someone who can understand. im sorry."

Source: http://community.livejournal.com/o_c_d/508292.html

I live in what I call a hell hole

"Hi, im 17 year old and I live in what I call a hell hole with my dad, twin brother, step mom, and 2 half siblings. I’ve always had problems living with my dad but it all went south when my dad got married. He started believing that people were trying to kill him with voodoo and so he married this woman a year ago to “protect us”. Then he started accusing me of stealing her stuff, using her stuff without permission, and even trying to kill him. He says that my mom (who lives in a different state) and I team up to put things around the apt to cause harm.

I am severely depressed and I was hospitalized a month ago after I called a suicide hotline and told the lady what I wanted to do to myself. And the only I called the hotline was because I repeatedly told my dad about my suicidal thoughts, and how depressed I am, and he said to leave him alone and if I wanted to continue to cut, I could until I bleed o death and he’ll just take me to the hospital. He moved over this past summer without telling me or my brother (we were at our mom’s house) so I have no one to talk to here.

The house is soo dirty, not just clothes and dirt…its like waste. And food, garbage all over this house, it makes me sick literally…im having stomach issues because don’t want to go to the bathroom, or anywhere else in this place. Im so scared of it..Im a germaphobe and so coming home after school makes me soo anxious and I want to cry. After I came home from the hospital..they gave me this discharge plan and I was put on medication there because of an anxiety attack.

The discharge plan said that I was to be placed in an intensive out patient program, and that didn’t happen because my dad says its stupid….2 weeks before my medication was finished I told him that and he just ignored me and so now my meds are done and it’s been a week. He doesn’t seem to care that I need a psychiatrist to monitor my meds. All I get here is threatened like “im gonna break ur neck”, “u’ll see what ill do to you”, “leave and don’t come back” name called like stupid, idiot, useless. I cant stay here anymore, I know im almost out but this is too much..the more I stay here the more suicidal I get and the more I want to cut. Do I even have any options as a 17 y/o? Please help me..thank you for your time"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/so-depressed-and-no-way-out/

Im gonna die soon

"i been depressed a lot lately, because of ma family . i feel that nobody in my life support me everybody hates me its too hard for me, they always say im stooped they always want me to suffer. cant take it anymore. im not really smart in school i always have trouble studying because of my family. so im asking everybody to tell me if overdosing on sleeping pills the painless way to die. im gonna die soon."

Source: http://naturalinsomniacures.net/is-overdosing-on-sleeping-pills-the-painless-way-to-die.htm

I wish I weren't me right now

"I cried a lot last night. Chris helplessly sat by and stroked my hair and asked me what he could do to help.

Like I had written earlier, I kinda woke up feeling depressed and tried not to cry as I was heading to work. Felt let down by that test I took. Was getting pissed that the people in my office are speaking Spanish in front of me. I've tried twice to hint to them in a nice way that I'd like to know what they're saying/feel included, but it's not working.

Last night I was just sucked into the suicidal thoughts. I planned to transfer all my money in my bank account to my sister, since she could use the money, and it was convenient. I wanted to get away when Chris played games Sunday, so that I could be someplace away from the house and kill myself. I ran the options in my head...jumping off a bridge, getting in front of a train, hanging myself, cutting myself with an Exacto knife...this was it. There was no point in waiting anymore, just do it. Everyone would be sad/shocked/devastated, but they'd get over it. I would soon be forgotten. Chris could move on somehow.

Things that I was sorta looking forward to last week: getting married, having a kid. Chris asked me if I wanted those things anymore and I replied, "No."

I thought, I should call the crisis line or go to the hospital, but why would I do that if I wanted to go? that would hinder my "efforts" I thought about my lil sister, on how just last week I told her not to keep suicidal thoughts a secret and to tell her doctor to adjust her medications, etc. She'd see what a hypocrite I was after I kill myself.

Today will be the third day that I haven't taken my Cymbalta. My sister wasn't able to go pick up my new bottle this week. I should make an appt with a doctor in SD, like, Monday and regularly get my pills here...I just don't have a doctor yet, and lazy about finding one and making an appt and taking time off work to go. I don't think skipping a few days should make me feel so damn crappy, so I think it's just circumstance.

"What would make you happy?" Chris asked. "If I wasn't here" or "nothing"

He later went to the market to get cupcake cups to bake cupcakes a day early. He asked me if I wanted anything and all I wanted were some cheddar and sour cream potato chips. he came back wanting to give me a treat, but i refused. after I had calmed down I was curious and asked him what it was-Girl Scout Somoa and Thin Mint cookies. We shared some and I felt a little better.

I woke up feeling okay, better. I dreamt that I went to a concert with friends, and was traveling abroad and meeting people. then I was shopping in a furniture consignment/thrift store. I woke up with the weird thought that I could open up my own furniture consignment store. I'd enjoy looking for furniture at flea markets and thrift stores and reselling them. I'd need money to start, and there would be no guarantee that I'd make money or be successful.

As Chris snoozed this morning I cuddled him and stroked his soft back. I felt like I could live just to enjoy him. But it's not always that I love him/appreciate him like this. I wish I were more consistent. I'm going to do something compulsive, and it'd be a waste. When I'm depressed/suicidal, I can't hold on to what little joys I have or could have.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't have to work, and have a house to take care of my family and not have to deal with the outside world. So unrealistic. So unfair...

I don't enjoy being around my friends. It's just that I wish I did, as I used to. Going out and doing stuff in general is a chore.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate this feeling. I feel so out of place wherever I go. I wonder if I'd feel better living in a totally different place. The other day I had the thought of moving to, say, France, and starting a new life. Then my negative thoughts come: I'd hate it there...I wouldn't know anybody, and not knowing the language would make it doubly frustrating. I want a new life. I wish I weren't me right now."

Source: http://hypo-mechanic.livejournal.com/

I don't know how to stop feeling like I'm the single worst person in the world

"Hey everyone
before I get into this I want to warn everyone I'm only 14, because I know a lot of people on the site don't like the stuff dealig with teens. Anyways, I hHave serious self confidence issues... And I know I'm not the only one. Every time I see a picture of myself or look in the mirror I have to fight to hold back tears. And even though I'm the biggest believer in love, I feel strongly that no guy would ever fall in love with a girl like me. Everytime I think about who I am I feel like Im going to throw up... And I used to cut myself. I cry all the time and I barely have any friends left. I feel like I have nothing to live for in my smallass town. Please please comment if you've been through something like this or how you've gotten over it. I'm tired of being this way, but I don't know how to stop feeling like I'm the single worst person in the world. And if you don't have any advice, but care enuf about me and anyone else experiencing these issues who may read this, vote up. I just can't live this life anymore"

Source: http://breakkup.com/with-me/serious-self-confidence-issues/

Why the hell am i so invisible?

"i’m so fed up. I cant do this shit anymore. Why the hell am i so invisible? I give everyone all the attention they need and in the end when i need it they don’t even notice stupid little me. I hate it when my parents see my hardest earned grades and tell me i could do better when they dont even have time to help me…i hate it when my sister totally ignores me and tells me go kill myself everytime i get depressed…i hate it when i imply something about him and he says thats the same with his gf…i hate it when i’m home alone 24/7…i hate it when my family critisizes my physical appearance….i hate it when people say mean things 2 be even if theyre joking, I hate it that my best friends keep talking about their issues with their boyfriends n asking me 4 advice on their life when i just wana die…I hate it when i just want you to ask me how i am and you start complaining about your own life…I hate it when he duznt realize that all i wana do is be there 4 him and how much i want him 2 want me but everything is that bitch….I HATE LIFEE AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!!! I wana die!!! I’m not strong enough to live…and why live when no1 notices me any way. no one sees m e and I hate that. I hate them. Dear God…please take me…"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/just-so-invisible/

My life is nothing

"I registered here almost 2 years ago.
But my progress is still close to none.
I think that for people like me there is no more hope.
I can not take control on my brain on my stupid thoughts constantly running through this damn brain.

During this 2 years I read plenty of material from "naturals" hoped that i will become one of them.
Plenty of Zan, brent rion williams, david x...and if there was even minimal change - it was only for few moments.
It was like some spark telling me that next time it will be better but it wasn't.

I have this knowledge.
But I can not apply it.

And now there is one girl.
I know that I shouldn't be outcome dependent.
Sometimes I am not, sometimes I am.

When I thinking about outcome - that I want to be with her - shit happens to my head.
I am like searching for validation.This is so damn terrible feeling, later in home I am thinking and analyzing every single word she told me searching for signs like " she likes you".
But every time result is "she don't like you, you are shit".
But I know that I should have perspective - "Do I like her ?" and receiving everything as sign that she likes me.
But i can't.
I cant believe in myself.
I feel this pressure in my heart that I can not even breath.

Sometimes when I talk to her I am not even me, I'm doing things and talk just for looking validation, to make her like me.
I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.
with no result.
I feel that she feel that I am only pretending.
Later I want to kill myself for being such stupid asshole.

When single thing happen like she laugh and this is honest and we talk and I am in the moment, not thinking about outcome and then I back to home - this moments are making my days shining.I feel like a king, plenty of smile people asking why I am so happy. Everything is awesome.
But if there are days like yesterday - she is tired and not smiling much and I am pretending for her, thinking about outcome, constantly thinking "does she like me" - then I feel like shit.
I am sad as hell.
I don't even want to do anything.
I would like to just cry and cry or better - kill myself.really i think that my life is nothing worth.Really i am not only writing it, this thoughts really goes through my head.
I wont do it.I wont kill myself.
But i don't want to live.
This whole interaction with her is just validation seeking.
I am putting her on pedestal, my happiness depend on her.
I am one big shit hate myself for that.
There is no hope for people like me, really.I can not apply anything in my life.

Even I don't know why I am writing this.
You people on this forum gave me so good advises, but I can not apply it.
I am good only in being bad and screwing everything."

Source: http://www.naturalgame.com/showthread.php?t=7673

Sometimes I try and think of how it'll be - nothingness

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel empty inside and can't feel emotion. I'm lashing out at a lot of people around me, and closing myself off from others. My job is soul crushing. I went into it straight from school, and have never had "A break" so to speak.

Do I deserve one? Do others get breaks. I feel selfish for wanting one.

I feel like a cloud is inside my head. I used to be intelligent. I feel anything but that now.

I feel like I am going insane. Then I think my head is making it all up, and I'm not insane. I don't know what to believe. I saw a face on my wall a few weeks ago. A kid who was killed in Chernobyl. He blamed me, and showed me what he would look like had I not killed him.

I have such vivid dreams. Would it be a bad thing to sleep, dream and never wake up?

I've been holding my head and my life together with sellotape for a long time now, but I don't think I can do it anymore.

I have pills due to arrive tomorrow. I want to take them all and put an end to this life.

Sometimes I try and think of how it'll be - nothingness. My mind boggles at the thought, but it is not too far away from what I feel now

I have an appointment with a counselor, but don't see the point in going. I'll either lie, or close myself off to her. I can't stop doing this

I need help, Reddit. You guys are the smartest people I know."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/b2x6r/i_feel_empty/

I’ve felt the wind of the wing of madness

"I’m not mad, but I’m aware that it sounds sexier.

No one wants to hear the ravings of depression, but madness, now that sells tickets. As a source of entertainment madness has always been a blockbuster. Depression on the other hand, sounds more like a disease, if not a lame excuse of one, and has never attracted the same quality and quantity of public attention. Were I mad, I could hurl invectives at the world and command awe, cheer even. Not with depression. With depression I’m only allowed minced oaths under my breath, if that. People look for florid causatives in a mental disease, an all consuming hole in the brain, or a charismatic tumor, or an electrical storm. A small chemical imbalance or a small whatever it is that causes depression, doesn’t the crowds please.

And that’s when I use the phrase insanely depressed. I’ve noticed that people like it. It turns more heads than suicidally depressed for example; perhaps because suicide like depression has little entertainment value. The word insane takes control of the phrase and takes the focus off of depression and presto everyone is interested in what I’ve to say. I say, “I’ll kill myself, but maybe I’ll bite the doctor’s nose before I do” and everyone is looking at me.

In the bottomless abyss of depression , I’ve tried to look at positive events in my life and ended up concluding them as negative, which confirms that you can’t but look through the lens of the present moment. I believe that irrational feelings felt in deep depression are'nt any different from lunatic paranoia or psychosis. It may not be hallucinations of the senses, but it is hallucinations of the internal model of the world. The depressed person’s brain doesn’t see a bonafide balance of black and white, instead it finds everything in a sordid shade of dark dark gray. A cheerful, sun drenched, cloudless day feels like a gray drizzle. If this isn’t false coloring the world then what is?

Extreme forms of depression are no different than livid insanity. And in that bottomless pit of disorientation, “I’ve felt the wind of the wing of madness”."

Source: http://anambivalentlife.blogspot.com/

I want to stop but i can't

"I have a bad problem with cutting and breaking my arms. I'm so depressed all the time that it's a everyday thing. I want to stop but i can't the depression is just so bad its like i can't live with out doing it. I broke my arm last night and almost my leg to. I just don't know what to do anymore"

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/90208-i-need-help-badly.html

I feel alone

"Hello..I have been dealing with depression for many years by myself.I hide it from my wife ab family because I don't want to burden them with my problems.I have a family that loves me but yet I feel alone."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/i-have-lost-the-will-to-live/14336824/

I really need a help!

"I want to kill myself. What is the easiest way to do that? I just can't take it anymore. Life is pointless for me. But I am not sure how to die. To cut my veins or to take too much drugs... Why I want to die? Well, I am a creative person and I've always wanted to be a designer or an illustrator. I can draw very good. But my parents think that this is a bad job, and didn't let me go to the designer program. They want me to be a nurse, because they think this is the best job in the world. I hate everything related to medicine and I've never wanted to be a nurse. They were yelling at me, not talking to me, hurting me with words when I told them that I don't want to be a nurse. So my parents forced me to go to the practical nursing program. It's week five of my studying and I hate this program. It's not interesting and difficult for me! I feel so depressed. I don't want to be a nurse. I tried to talk about it with my parents but they just didn't listen to me. They said I wouldn't be their daughter if I quit this nursing program. So, I just don't know what to do... Now I just want to die. Every day I feel worse and worse. I can't study on this program anymore. Please tell me how should I kill myself? I really need a help!"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/i-want-to-die-what-is-the-easiest-way-to-do-that/

Everything inside of me is almost frozen and eerily still

"I feel so subdued, though I can hear my heart’s still beating but I can no longer feel a thing. My mind finally stopped wandering but my soul ceased to feel any kind of desire – everything inside of me is almost frozen and eerily still. I hardly recognized my own self – the me I know bleeds emotionally to death but now I’m just almost hollow.

The scars engraved on my wrists no longer remind me of my pain. They’re just as insignificant as my futile suicide attempt & as pointless as my life. It feels as though I’m in a buffer zone where everything is so indifferent and it made me feel so vacant. I am the void that will swallow everything about me, anything around me into total nothingness, exactly like what a black hole does.

Everytime I gaze into the mirror, I take a good look at myself – just to ensure that I haven’t vanished, I touch my cheeks, my lips everytime just to corroborate that I am real, that I can still feel physical touch. Last nite, I decided to read my old journals just to revive the pain that has damaged me before. There’s a saying, when you can still feel the pain, you at least know that you’re somehow alive. And so, I did just the same thing. I could feel my tears flowing as soon as I opened my old journal but my heart just felt so numb. What’s wrong with me now?

Am I on my way to full recovery or it’s just another vicious cycle that I have to go thru after yet another full-blown depression? I seriously can’t tell the difference this time when everything is so hazy, when I don’t even know my self… "

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/need-an-angel-to-heal-me/

Fuck you world

"I'm not depresed or anything. I just can't continue to live in this world of stupidity. Stupid people stupid things it's all stupid!

Fuck you world."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/b0j4n/good_bye_stupid_world/

Stuck with too much hell on my plate

"It was his birthday. They said I looked depressed.

Another day I let slip through my fingers. (I went to the bathroom stall...it was my period after all)

I contemplated how I'd fuck it up later (not him of course....no I'm not a whore)

No, I was seriously just kidding myself (because who else was I but ignored?)

I thought about the white not black. The spaces that I lacked. or....

He pretended to pay for my tab. 15 dollars or more

And then I walked back while he followed me up the road

To tell me I deserved to live not die

Like a movie....but not one I could even write

"Snitch!" The students yelled. It was mostly Patrick.

If I have issues, one of them is that I'm not really a loud mouth.

But what do you do, when the police confront you?

Rudy says that it was meant to be. Everything happens for a reason....

(so why did I accidentally call my dad when Rudy was giving me his number?

How did that happen? It must've meant something....

But my dad was worried. He said he heard the conversation

But he never said stay away from that man...he just said "He sounded concerned")

I admit I've been burned

On thursday they searched my room, and took me to the police station.

Confined me in a room and interrogated me about who sold me----

and it came tumbling out like all the prescription pills....

That I'm vowing to no longer take. They say "you're empty"

I'm no Sylvia Plath, and ovens are not cool to me.

And people can tell when I'm baked.

You get too lost in yourself, too vain, and your veins run dry.

I'll never take drugs again...20 people are my enemy.

I left the bar at about 11 pm. And Rudy ran after me

He caught up and caught his breath and he's 15 years older than I

He told me, never give up....because he thought I was going to

Kill myself? Well when people harass you so much

You'd like to do it sometimes, but I'm someone else

And I don't kill myself because of what people say or do.

They can laugh, make fun of me. They deserve their punishments

And I'm glad they're in trouble because they don't deserve

My sticking up for them....when it's 3 am again and I'm awake

Stuck with too much hell on my plate

Attempted murder, acid, alcohol, pot, suicide,

I'll skip out on the ride. What's on the inside?"

Source: http://jaggedpilldiaries.blogspot.com/

I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m practically drowning in my own thoughts.

"So…
I am 14 years old and female. I’m not stupid; I’m in all honors classes and maintain an A or a B in all my classes. I play guitar, piano, and violin. My three only friends. However, I am probably the most annoying, awkward, nervous, pessimistic, selfish, confused, creepy, lonely person ever. I am your all-around piece of shit person. Here I go again talking about myself….I have severe ADD and have had an anxiety disorder since I was 6. I can’t even do the simplest tasks without being a complete awkward failure. It’s hard to explain. I start shaking before tests and quizzes and I have panic attacks if the hallway is too crowded. When I like a guy, he knows it, because I space out and stare at him and act like a totally clumsy creep. I had crushes that liked me back, but I am such a freak, that when they tried to talk to me I ran away. What the hell is wrong with me? Any who, the thing about me hating people….

I hate humans. It’s not being hypocritical because I include myself in my hate list.
I was raped when I was 11. Enough said. My mom used to verbally abuse me I guess you’d say, when my anxiety was at it’s peak when I was 8 and I’d start regurgitating. She’d tell me I was "stupid" and a "mistake" and "ugly on the inside" in some horrifying yelling voice. I don’t have a dad. I have always been a loyal friend you know, and supported them and such. Every friend I’ve ever had has screwed me over. For example, one of my friends started doing cocaine, I tried to get her to realize she was being self-destructive, but she wouldn’t listen. I tried to stick with her, but she went off to a crowd of druggie kids. All the other friends I’ve had in the past left me to hang out with the popular crowd and what not. So now I’m just a lonely bitch. I live in sort of a bad area I guess. Sort of a snobby rich kid area. I refuse to be slutty or do drugs so that basically turns people against me. There are some good people, but I’m just too…awkward. I get bullied a lot by guys mostly. I eat lunch in the bathroom. I’m too chicken to even attempt killing myself. I’m just one of God’s mistakes.

You probably think I’m being over dramatic or whatever, but thats just my pessimistic, annoying, self shining through.
So… should I kill myself?
Run away?
Sell myself to science?
Befriend nature?

I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. I’m practically drowning in my own thoughts.
Suggest whatever you want because I’m that desperate."

Source: http://www.mypanicattacksolution.com/blog/panic-attack-quiz/i-vehemently-hate-myself-i-hate-everyone-i-hate-humans

Im too young to be this empty inside

"so i seem to be more alone here than i ever was in California. At least in California I had people who made me think they love me.

I cam here for Ashley and all i have gotten in return is a clod fucking shoulder. i am sick of it. it has almost been a month. a long lonely month that has been eventful but nothing significant. i wonder why you wanted me to come at all. It amazes me that i moved my entire fucking life here for you cuz you wanted me to. I wanted to be the best friend i could. i wanted to be the best friend i wish i had when i moved my whole life from Nor Cal to So Cal. I never had that.

I know first hand how fucking stressful it is to move to a new place without anyone. without a single person to talk to. it broke me as a person. but it also opened up so many new doors.

I was so determined when i moved to so cal to not be the same broken angry girl i once was. and each time i moved throughout so cal i changed. i grew up as a person. i was able to see why someone didnt like me and changed it. i made a lot of enemies in nor cal and i never wanted that again. when you talked about moving and leaving your whole family for that guy you almost married i knew that i had found someone who felt the pain i felt. we had bonded over that. it was good.

after my ex, lets call him Stu, broke up with me when you were in South Carolina and i was in san diego i feel apart. i had less than a week to find a place and the girl that i made friends with while you were gone stabbed me in the back i knew that i couldnt stay in so cal any longer. i moved back to nor cal and tried to apply my new character that i created to the environment there. it didnt work. i was still known as the bitch i once was. i was still the angry girl no one wanted to talk to. this made me long to be back in so cal. when you returned to so cal i felt my heart calling to you.

then that horrible day in November when my dad was awake for the 3rd day and high on chrystalmeth and beat the hell out of me. you came to my aid you came and saved me. but it only seemed to happen when it was out of pure necessity. you had to save me cuz you felt obligated. or at least that is how i felt.
if i had stayed in nor cal i know i would have killed myself. i am positive. i was so thankful to have you and was looking forward to my second chance in so cal. i soaked every minuet in.

i resorted to making money here and there the best way i knew how...mainly looking pretty and getting my picture taken. i drove around hookers and watched as they made money by doing something that is so natural to our bodies. i watched them kill themselves every second they could. trying to block out the pain.

it wasnt long before Ashley went through major drama herself and wanted to leave it all behind. i am like that too and love to leave the problem rather than let it over power me.

i left with her cuz she wanted me to. i thought i could help her like how she saved me.

i respect her so much and every night i sleep next to her and wake up with her next to me. but still i feel like i am on another planet.

i am so depressed right now i dont really know what to do with myself.

i want to stop it all. i want to go home. wherever that may be. i have people who (only once i left) show interest in getting me to return to them. i have people in nor cal and so cal. i would prefer so cal cuz my dad is not there. but at this point in my life i feel like i have a lot more growing to do. i am at a crossroads. the road in front of me is the longest road and has no other cars on it. just me trying to make it on my own. pay my debt. make a name for myself save up money. the usual...but no boys no friends just focus on what needs to be done for me.
the road to my left is a life here with Ashley on the east coast and never looking behind me. the road to my right is returning home to california and struggling to make anything for myself. working my ass off everyday for the minimum and never amounting to anything.

i want to see the beauty this world has to offer. i want to go to ireland and live off the land and make a home there. that is some place that i dont know anyone. but then i fear that i will be putting myself back into the loop i first fell into when i first moved to so cal.

maybe i just need to fall off the face of the earth. no computer no cell phone. no address. just a passport and the clothes in a backpack. if i die or get kidnapped oh well. at least i will have done it for myself.

im too young to be this empty inside."

Source: http://kristamethrx.blogspot.com/

Is living supposed to be this painful?

"I feel like shit.
I don't wanna talk to anyone but to you.

-

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, completely drenched in sweat from a nightmare about you.

Nobody knows, but me.

I should be working.. I shouldn't be bogged down by these fucking emotions..

But here I am again writing another fucking pointless post.

Fuck my shrink.. fuck everyone. You say I'm okay, but is living supposed to be this painful?

I can't even remember the days when I smiled for no reason...

Now if I want to smile, I need something to create it.
I now understand why people drink themselves to death.

I'm slowly approaching that point.. I need to stop.. But I can't. I really don't want to be this depressed..

Drink myself full.. bleed myself blue.. repeat.

By the time I black out, I'm smiling. But when I wake up, I'm dying.

Forget my past, forget my future, forget my goals. My sole purpose for living is to become decaying matter.

Life is a death trap, and this planet is a shit-hole.

-

I can't help but have these horrible thoughts every day..
I can feel my sanity slipping away. I feel more and more restless.

I just want to lie down somewhere and sleep until everything washes over.

This is such a horrible hell for me, I feel like nothing I do in this life will truly benefit me.

I continue for no one, not even myself..

I wonder how many people would even be at my wake if I were to die this very moment.
Would the person at the next table even care?
My personal belongings would all be stolen long before I was sent to a hospital. Or even checked on.

Kill me..

Take me away to a better place.

Fucking selfish race of people..

It really is me against the world. No one would truly cry if you died.. They'd probably celebrate since you're not there to burden them anymore.

I no longer see people through rose-colored glasses. I only see the imperfections. The evil.

-

Is everyone really unable to see through my affectations?

Am I really that great at hiding it?

No. I'm not.

It's just that no one gives a shit.
Not to a useless college student.
Not to worthless people.
Not to me.

I see people with friends.
Short-lived spurts of false hope that they will be there to help THEM achieve what THEY want.
Not what OTHERS want.

...

I'll secretly stop caring then..
I'll secretly ignore everyone once more.
If they think they're going to take advantage of my fake and vulnerable visage, they will not see it coming.
I will continue to pretend.
I will put my mask back on and live a double-life.

Fuck this.. if people want to rip my fucking heart out then I'm going to carry a shield.

I'll never give myself to anyone again..

I belong.
To me.
And only to me.."

Source: http://asecretfromyou.blogspot.com/

WHEN WILL IT END

"WHEN WILL IT STOP
WHEN WILL IT LEAVE MY HEAD
WHEN CAN I JUST LET IT ALL GO
WHEN WILL I FEEL NORMAL AGAIN WHAT EVER NORMAL IS
WHEN WILL PEOPLE STOP STARING
WHEN WILL THEY STOP JUDGING ME
WHEN WILL MY KIDS ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM NOW
WHEN WILL MY FLOOD OF TEARS TURN TO HAPPY THOUGHTS
WHEN WILL IT END
WILL IT END WHEN I TAKE MY LIFE OR WHEN I JUST DO NOT CARE ANYMORE"

Source: http://you-live-my-life.blogspot.com/

They are all out to get me

"After things didn't go well with the ex on new years when I texted her to the point of her almost throwing in the towel of our friendship I have been able to keep things cool... meaning I have been able to give her the space a friend gives another friend... unfortunately it seems like every site I ever gave my email to is against me...

Hampton wants me to rent a room for a vday get together...

jibjab wants me to make fun of the girlfriend I don't have...

sunwing which lies about beachfront property and does not bother to respond to my emails.. wants me to take a vacation with...

Flouraqueen wants me to send flowers to...

Amazon, ebay... you name it..... they are all against the igebadia...

It is too bad they don't have an option where it only sends that spam me if I have my relationship status in facebook as girlfriend.. but then again all these companies who are trying to make me depressed would spam my feed for all to see.. cause that is what you do as a developer.. spam.. spam.. spam right up the ass...

Too bad they don't spam me a girlfriend who I can actually have a valentines day with...

not that I actually want a girlfriend... it is just it is hard not to wish you had one for the one day we need to remember to be nice to the one we love...

so I get to be depressed... and I am convinced it is the pharmaceutical companies trying to convince me to never go off my antidepressants again... like they have to worry after the whole anitbacterial soap thing ruined my testosterone...

They are all out to get me.. the cats told me this would happen...."

Source: http://www.gebula.com/

It's starting to seem like an amazing idea

"well it's starting to seem like an amazing idea.

all this stuff has happened in my life since i last posted, and i really cba to mention it all.

i'm so stressed out, and i just cant help thinking that the only way to escape it all is just to top myself.

then franky would realise what a dick he's being. and lee would as well, though he's no where near as much of a dick in the first place. maybe tom would realise as well, but i doubt it. then my friends would actually WANT to spend time with me. and my parents wouldn't be wishing i was perfect, they'd just be wishing i was still here.

it's the perfect solution, the only problem is that i dont want to give up. which i guess is a good thing, cause it makes it alot less likely that i'll actually kill myself, but it still feels like shit.

i was to get put back on anti-depressants, but i dont know if they'll do it. need to go see the doctor. desperately.

i've been ill for a week and a half now, and stressed out, depressed, having panic attacks, crying constantly, and having pointless arguments. anyway, i dont want to put any more, i'm gonna go to bed. (well i have been awake for a whole hour now...)

peace out."

Source: http://megantheshygirl.blogspot.com/

I'm completely isolated

"I don't really know what to do. I can't talk to any of our friends. I have been super depressed and despondent for a long time. I never cry really but now I can't stop. There doesn't seem to be any happy outcome. All I can do to keep from sobbing is think about how I'm going to get her back. I wanted to marry her. I've never been in a relationship nearly this serious before. All I can think of to win her back is to exercise and get really fit because she say's she doesn't find me attractive anymore... What's worse is that she is already trying to move on with some guy she is chatting with online. He lives far away but the thought still hurts a lot.

I don't even know if I want her back now.

I have health problems that have been plaguing me for years too. I'm pretty much constantly in pain.

Since, for the past two years I've been dating her I have pulled away from friends and now I'm completely isolated."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/awxgj/my_gf_of_two_years_just_broke_up_with_me/

People would never imagine what is going inside me

"I wish I could kill myself. I am so afraid of doing it, especially not succeeding. I know what would happen if I don’t succeed and people find out.

I am tired of my life. Am 30 years old. I’ve lived a lie all my life. I think its the first time I even talk about it, but I like men. I have had this secret inside forever and have never done anything about it. I am engaged to be married in 2 months. She is a great woman. My professional life is a disaster. I haven’t been able to find a decent job since I finish my degree and I have amazed an incredible amount of debt. My father is a big problem and we are tired of him. I don’t have any good friends anymore, the ones I used to have are all away now. I don’t know what to write, don’t know what to say I just know am tired, sad, lonely, a failure, desperate, suicidal, bored. I want to cry all the time, if you see me am 6, 2 tall. I am always laughing and having a good time, people would never imagine what is going inside me. I just don’t know what to do. I want to move away. Alone. I can’t. I have no money and I have been trying to find a job in another country for the past year and I haven’t been able to. Am pretty smart, good at what I do, but I don’t make enough money. I wish there was a pill I could take and in a second it would all be over. I know of the pain I will cause those I leave behind because even with all the stuff I am going through am loved. Truly loved. The problem is am a failure. I don’t know. This secret I carry, my professional problems, my loneliness, my future wedding, trying so hard to succeed, everything is this huge weight on my back.

I have to move out of my apartment in one month. I don’t know what to do next. I also know people will know I have to because of the rent. I can’t pay it anymore. I have all this credit card debt I have to take care of. I will move in with my parents. My mom, what to tell you she is sleeping the whole day, and my father he is the happiest man on earth, and a joke himself, I despise him for all the pain he’s caused my mother, but that’s another story.

Am tired, sorry everyone if I don’t make much sense, I just don’t know where to start. I have taken meds, I have exercised, I have travelled, I have talked to people, nothing, nada. Hope I find light soon if not I think I will go mad."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-wish-i-could/

Goodbye and hope that wherever I go I’m not in pain anymore

"where to start? well I’m 29 yrs old and l I’ve been depressed for a long as I can remember. I tried to kill myself about 9 yrs ago, I hung myself until I blacked out, it was almost painless the pain only lasted less then a minute then I couldnt feel anything, but my wife cut me down and they rushed me to the hospital so I woke up in the hospital angry that I didn’t succeed and now I was stuck going to a mental clinic for like 3 months taking pills that didn’t do anything to help, but at least I still had her. Well that was then and today she’s gone, we are getting divorced and this pain I feel keeps getting worst everyday, everyone keeps saying that it will go away and it’s been months and months now and It hasn’t gone away, I feel empty and alone without my kids and her, they have always been my only reason to keep living but now they are gone and I’m here all alone.

This past Christmas and new years were the loneliest for me I always had fun being with my kids watching them open their presents and watching their smiles when they were opening them was everything to me but this time I couldn’t, and I remember that in new years we used to light up the fireworks, and now all that is gone. I never wanted this for them. I miss being with them everyday preparing food for them , putting them in bed, taking them to school everything.

Well this depression is killing me slowly I used to weight 200 pounds in the beginning of 2009 and now my weight is 135, I also hurt myself like many of you but instead of cutting myself I burn myself with cigarretes. I really cant take this anymore the pain, the emptiness, and the loneliness is so much that I want it over, every day at work seems like an eternity but I have to go on as nothing is happening or someone may notice.

I promised myself that I was going to go thru with the divorce cause thats what she wanted, but that plan is over I just can’t take it anymore. I wont put details cause I don’t want anyone finding me and I’m really sorry for the people I might hurt. Goodbye and hope that wherever I go I’m not in pain anymore."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/farewell/

Slowly but surely I seem to be losing everything

"I'm young. Too young--in my opinion--to desire to kill myself, but I often do. This is not an outcry for help and/or attention. I am getting help, and somedays I even feel as though I have returned. However, I find that the majority of my time is spent in this state of being in which I am absolutely worthless. I tell myself the most awful things--most of which I know are not true. I will call myself stupid even though I have not received a 'b' since Middle School, I have above a 4.0 gpa, and am currently taking all AP classes save one. Regardless of the facts, I will brutalize myself. "I'm not good enough for that. I suck at this. She obviously hates me. I'm such a dumb ***. You're a fat and lazy waste of life." This monkey on my back (depression) has been there my entire life. The direct consequence of which would be that I have hated no one in my life more than I hate myself. Even as I type this, my mind is ridiculing my need to do so. I'm trying to rid myself of the monkey, but man does he have a monster grip! Slowly but surely I seem to be losing everything I have deemed important in my life. Instead of doing my homework through uncontrollable sobs I have merely stopped. My anger has and continues to push anyone that I love away. Perhaps I feel as though I do not deserve them.

Truthfully, I am fighting a war that has been striving for many years, but I am tired. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically, Mentally... I am exhausted. The mask I put on when everything is breaking under my feet weighs a metric ton, and keeping over my pained face takes all the strength that I encompass. But i'm running low. Life continuously kicks me whilst I am down, and I do not know how much longer I can take the blows.

Must keep fighting though. Never give up. I'll never lose this fight."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Battle-Depression/864828

11 lovely gashes

"So, today was my second group session. Yesterday was my first. Yesterday, not much of the group really pertained to me and I didn't talk at all. Today was different. There was less people (4 of us then 2 counselors) so I had to talk. A lot of cutting and eating disorder stuff came up. It was pretty intense for me. I'm not used to talking about how I feel or what's going on. I don't know. I feel like it's helping, and I kinda like it. I don't want to like it because I know in three weeks I'm going to be done. I don't want to be attached or like the people. It's really difficult for me. I feel like I got a lot of good advice, though. The people are great, and the one counselor who is helping out to learn more is hot! A little perk!

I got a little fed up today with not being able to cut like I wanted to. Since my mom took away my stuff and all. So, I went into her bathroom and found an extra razor head. I'm praying to god she doesn't notice one is missing. I need this. I then spent a half hour trying to get the blades out. I ended up having to break it in half and kinda use the bottom. Her razors are like the really expensive kind that are sorta screwed together. Crazy stuff. 11 lovely gashes. And they were deep too! It's sharp. I'm in love, that's the comfort I needed.

Jeff came over today at 2 with his kids. Drove me to therapy at 4. We had about 45 minutes to talk. I really love him. And his kids are amazing. I know I've said that before, but really, they're amazing. I told him I was cutting again without realizing. I asked him a thousand times not to tell my mom. I hope he doesn't. He said he hadn't decided yet. If he does, I'll give my mom the x-acto in my bathtroom. If she notices she's missing a razor, I'll deny it. His kids started crying when they had to leave. Their moms mean, my dads mean. They like my mom, I like their dad. I don't want to lose them. He's getting divorced and so is my mom. Even with all of the drama my dad is causing for both of them, he said he really likes my mom and wants to continue on with their relationship. My mom and Jeff are much more closer and lovey than my parents ever were.

I have so much on my mind to think about. This group thing has brought a lot up. I need to think and get control of my thoughts. It's all so out of control. I hope things get better. It's weird though, some of the things the counselors said to me kinda made me mad. They seemed a little upset at me, too. I don't know. Maybe they're just trying to help. Things might get better. Maybe. Day by day.

With love,

Lola"

Source: http://peaceloveana.blogspot.com/

Dreading the idea of another day on this miserable ball of water and dirt

"Yesterday I had one of my really bad days. I was already feeling sort of shitty from the beginning of the day (It was class registration and nobody knew what the fuck they were doing or they were just being a bitch), and then my 360 broke the same way it broke in late November and for some reason that just turned me into a miserable person about everything on the planet. I was enraged, sad, sick, tired, sick and tired, and any other negative emotion you could come up with.

My depressed days aren’t like that of the typical depressed person. I’m sad, but rather than cry about it, I usually just want to break shit.

I never do. I never get violent, but I just sit in my room brewing. Being filled up with so much rage that I guarantee, should my brother said one more thing I didn’t like, I would have ripped his face off.

That’s just how I get. I hate everybody I live with. I hate the people I don’t live with.

I hate politicians even more than I do normally.

I hate the corporations that buy our politicians and the fact that nobody really seems to be able to notice it or care, even more than I do normally.

I hate games more than I do normally. The whole 360 thing really pisses me off because it’s the first console I’ve ever been afraid to actually touch for fear of the thing breaking. If it’s too close to my dvd player I get a hard drive failure, and the plugs are so stiff that you’re just bound to break the fucking thing by just trying to unplug it..

I want to be the anti-fanboy. A hate-boy, if you will. I will play every game system but a 360. That is, if I didn’t own so many fucking games for the thing.

I hate my life even more than I do normally. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I don’t even have a direction. I hate writers, even though I love writing. I can’t really do anything else I want for one reason or another. I hate that I’m going to be going to high school for another class even though I’m technically done.

That’s a lot of hate, right?

Then I go to bed. Dreading the idea of another day on this miserable ball of water and dirt. There is no way I won’t kill myself tomorrow.

Then I wake up, and I feel better. Less anxious. I still hate the same things I did the day before, but I’m not enslaved by that anger.

The reason I call it the depression hangover is that along with the embarrassment of how I was feeling yesterday, I have this throbbing headache like I do after a night of drinking.

My theory is, my depression is a result of my brain deciding to get drunk on anger and sadness. If you don’t fuck your brain up with alcohol, it will find something else.

Alright, that’s a stupid theory. Hell, it’s not even a theory.

Oh well. Have a good day."

Source: http://adentai.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/a-depression-hangover/

I never feel okay

"what would you do if you were me?… there’s absolutely no way out of this shit…everything makes me feel worse, I never feel okay, I feel so depressed, I go out and feel suicidal no matter what I do, I go back home to feel more horrible, this time is unlike any other, I’m like unable to live in anyway, everyday things get worse, much worse…

I’m sick of trying to kill myself, it never works with me, and I’m sick of cutting myself… to make it short I’m sick of everything, and everyone…

even my friends are all nothing but fake, they get me in one fucking trouble after another and I never learn… and I’m sick of life, and hearing all that living bullshit that never changes, I can’t stand anything, I have no where to go, or anyone to talk to… my life is worthless and I can’t even seem to keep myself together from drowning deeper… for fuck’s sake someone tell me what to do… but no one really can… and I’m scared…"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/what-would-you-do/

I fucking hate myself

"I am worried about my SAT and the GPA and the ACT and the dog feces … all of this, but I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, depression and weakness. I think I might be bipolar, tell you the truth. In addition, I had to drop out of school, high school and seek a recent online home school program. I fucking hate myself. I have four AP courses are for family honor classes have not been educated. How should I do? I have this idea in my head, if I did not enter a good school I was worthless. The only reason is that I survive, so I can get into a good school. But even so, I doubt I can play!"

Source: http://www.depressiondisorder.org/2010/01/25/open-question-the-stress-of-school-makes-me-want-to-kill-myself/

They just don't know how it all feels

"First of all this week went by completely slow. Even though it was just a 4 day week it still felt too long for my liking. Well I'm still feeling depressed not to mention down. It's just something I can't get rid of, something I can't cope with and just try to push away. Sure I've been laughing and smiling but what good is that? I'm just lying to everyone, I'm just pretending to me something I'm not and that's happy. I still feel so stupid and hopeless that I still question why am I here and what's my purpose? It really pisses me off when people pretend to be something they aren't especially when they pretend to me sad and say stuff like oh I'm going to kill myself because I'm so depressed. You know what...shut the fuck up. They don't know what it's like to live every constant moment in fear that the thoughts and doubts in your mind will completely consume you and cause you to do something drastic. They don't know what it's like to feel worthless and useless. They don't know how it feels to be an outcast and have people constanting bugging you or saying something bad about you. They just don't know how it all feels. They don't know how it feels to not want to eat, to not want to sleep, to not want to do anything fun or exciting because the pain always takes over. They don't know shit about it. I'm tired of listening to people act like their something there not. I've been constantly thinking about hurting myself even more like not eating or sleeping that much. Not that I don't do that already. Last night I had this dream that I was fighting these two skeletons but it was a game that I happened to be in. Then there was this other game that was open but the thing is the devil was inside it just waiting for me to grab it so he could drag me down. Honestly that dream scared me. Another thing that scares me is the constant thinking "Well if I were to pass out, be near death or actually die I would make a point to those posers and show them it's not a laughing matter or a fashion statement" The reason it scares me is because I'm actually willing to go that far to make a point but not just that but part of me doesn't really care what happens. I don't know what else to do. I feel like leaving behind everything, giving up and just dying. Nothing has been giving me the sense of living these last few days. I just wonder how much more of this I will be able to take and what will happen to me and if anyone would care"

Source: http://actomboy.livejournal.com/

I'm technically just a drain on societies resources

"Is it time to just kill myself?... I just got kicked out of my mom's for like the 3rd time in 8 years or so. I've never had a successful relationship, never been able to keep a job more than a year, and now as of today I find myself homeless, jobless, and my resources are about 100% gone. I'm at a friends using their computer right now, in mooch mode. I know I can't last long like this and no employer seems to give two cents about hiring me.

So the real question is, sometimes suicide is viable yes? I mean I'm technically just a drain on societies resources, air, etc. I'm 28 years old and have never really been able to give back, contribute, or carry my own weight. Should I just go get a gun and blast myself?

This is a serious question by the way, I'm not some kid or joker looking to make sympathetic people empathize with me. I'm really honestly about ready to just end it. Maybe this is my last call for help, before I get the guts to go ahead and do it. Thanks..."

Source: http://mentalhealthcares.blogspot.com/2010/01/is-it-time-to-just-kill-myself.html

Freak Of Nature

"I'm so down on myself most of the time. I feel as if there's nothing in this universe that can make me better. I wish I was normal. I wish I could be as happy as some people out there are. But everytime I look into the mirror I see a 'Freak Of Nature'. It's like having a second arm or something. Everytime I walk down the street people are staring at me. I didn't ask to be born this way. Yet, I live through life enduring it's effects. I didn't ask to be ridiculed and insulted through-out my lifetime of living. All I ever wanted was a girfriend. Even a friend of the opposite sex to talk to. I know it may sound selfish of me to ask that but I have enough male friends who really doesn't do much for my mood. I know I need a special girl, a best friend who would listen to the stuff I had to talk about.

I know what most would think. He's just after sex. To be honest, I've already had sex, it was. . .sex. But it wasn't what I needed. I need someone to have a heart to heart with. I know it's basically pointless to rant about it here, but if I keep this bottled up then I'm really going to implode. I lost the only girl who ever "cared" about me. She didn't want to be near me anymore. As much as it pains me, I couldn't blame her for her decision. I practically gave verything I had just for her. When she made a stupid decision that resulted in my car getting stolen, I forgave her and never used it in an argument.

. . .lol, Is it really pointless to expose my feelings here? Because most likely all anyone can offer me is advise that I've already tried and failed at. My heart husts so much. . ."

Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/88351-freak-nature.html

I want to kill myself but I dont want to die

"...i want to kill myself but I dont want to die.
I want to be free but I want to keep everything I have
I want to feel pain but the more I feel it the more I wish for it to go away
the more I wish for it to go away the number I feel
the number I feel the more long for pain I want

i want to kill myself but I dont want to die, does that make sense?"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/i-want-to-suicide/14334694/

Should I kill myself?

"I'm 21.i live in my parents basement, I have no job, no money, nobody to love; I'm severely depressed, I feel hopeless, useless, i'm a failure...i decided i'm not going back to college yesterday because i'm broke...i want to kill myself.I've cut my left arm 3 times, neither of which I remember doing...i've been on antidepressants before, but I didn't like them, and i'm afraid to go back to a doctor to ask for help because I dont want to interact with people...should I kill myself?"

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/depressed-and-hopeless/14334618/