"i have hated life since the 1st grade.
I am only 12, but i have lived a life of extreme saddness
i have tried to kill my self about 10-12 times, yet each time there is something stopping me. I am very religious and i feel like god dose not care about me. He dose not want me here, but there is a reson i am here still. Right?
each time i try i try to stangle my self with either a knee high sock or rope. is there something that could helpme with that?
i am already going to a phycyatrist and i am on a 50 mg or 75 mg of zoloft
i tried prosac, it didnt work. i tried meditating like my aunt. still no results. sometimes i cut my self, yet i find it inconvinient if you just want to leave the face of the earth. Sometimes i say too much. once when with whom is now an enemy (used to be my best friend until one small coment), i blurted out that i was thinking about killing myself that very night. After that the only times she would talk to me was to just coment rude things about me, which im not sure i want to put on here.
Usually the one thing stopping me from dying, is a person. CONNOR. and ithink i might LOVE him. not middle school crush love, but actual love. Connor was with me the entire time through fifth grade up until now. i’ve never had the nerve to actualy tell him though…
but the people who make me feel like the most crap are all in my family.
my dad – he never pays any attention except every once in a while,
mom – she lies to me, she makes me want to run away every day.
my sister – sometimes she actually saves me, but she yells and screams at me, makes me feel like im not important.
i know what maybe all the people who read this may think “She dosent know what she is talking about! she is only twelve!”
i do know. i have an iq of 143. am i not smart? last year i ran for class tresurer, i got 10 vots because “im not smart enough” i am 4 foot 10, once again i am 12 obviously a reson i am teased.
once again i am 12, you may say i am only 12, but have you gone 4th grade with only 2 friends? well?
im only 12! i cant cope with it!
im also the type of person who thinks beauty isnt everything. so some mornings i go to school without brushing my hair. yet another reason i am teased.
im not sure with how much i can cope with at my age, with my life…
please if you care at all you would leave a comment telling me what i can do to change my life, make it better PLEASE.
i used to have plans, but now nothing"
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/if-you-care-read/
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Tired of playing this game we all call life
"The one thing I want out of life the most is to have a family of my own.A husband thats not a dickhead and kids.
I just dont want to be alone anymore.I was raped, yes.And I feel like nobody really believes me, they get mad and throw it in my face.Saying it was my fault.Yes people, I wanted a large dick shoved in my vagina against my will.seriously? They also throw that i'll be alone for the rest of my life in my face.but i'm trying to heal, trying to cope, trying to move on and live my life.
I want a bf, but like I just can 'put myself out there'.My 21st bday is coming up and everyone says they are going to help me find someone...but I dont want to find someone at a bar or club...like really? Idk, its like everyone of my friends is either prettier, skinnier, or more outgoing than me.I'm really shy...even before above said fiasco.
I just dont want to be alone.I've never actually had a real bf and i'm almost fucking 21! What to do?
I know they say the best things come in time, but really I have no luck.I have nothing going FOR me...like really.I'm tired of waiting.
tired of playing this game we all call life."
Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/alone/14330907/
I just dont want to be alone anymore.I was raped, yes.And I feel like nobody really believes me, they get mad and throw it in my face.Saying it was my fault.Yes people, I wanted a large dick shoved in my vagina against my will.seriously? They also throw that i'll be alone for the rest of my life in my face.but i'm trying to heal, trying to cope, trying to move on and live my life.
I want a bf, but like I just can 'put myself out there'.My 21st bday is coming up and everyone says they are going to help me find someone...but I dont want to find someone at a bar or club...like really? Idk, its like everyone of my friends is either prettier, skinnier, or more outgoing than me.I'm really shy...even before above said fiasco.
I just dont want to be alone.I've never actually had a real bf and i'm almost fucking 21! What to do?
I know they say the best things come in time, but really I have no luck.I have nothing going FOR me...like really.I'm tired of waiting.
tired of playing this game we all call life."
Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/alone/14330907/
Sunday, December 20, 2009
I hate my self so much
"I woke up 2day and look in the miror and said 2my self “ur so ugly how culd any1 love or evan like u” and I got so angrey wid my self I smashed the miror luckaly my parents where asleep up steers coz if they new I broke it I wuld be in some deeper shit that I am already in now, y do I have 2 b ugly I hate my self so much I wish I culd just drop dead I’ve asked god 2 kill me but he never answered I almost kill myself last night with a knife but I chikend out see I’m also a big ugly fauila I can never do any thing there’s no point of me bing on this earth mayb I shuld overe dose myself with drugs!!!! No1 wuld care"
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/shuld-i-just-do-it-now/
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/shuld-i-just-do-it-now/
Saturday, December 19, 2009
I shouldn't feel like this anymore
"hey guys im still alive
unfortunately
i drink alone at night now
and on two occasions now, girls have tried to hook up with me and i just lock up. it's been ten months since my last relationship and i don't even know how to handle it anymore. shrinks don't help me. i wish i could die but i'm not strong-willed enough to kill myself. and to everyone else, i am this huge perfectionist. i just want to be held and i'm a grown adult and i shouldn't feel like this anymore. i'm tired of faking happiness, i just want to get drugged into being happy cause at this point that's the only way i'm going to feel it."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/aghgm/aahahahahah/
unfortunately
i drink alone at night now
and on two occasions now, girls have tried to hook up with me and i just lock up. it's been ten months since my last relationship and i don't even know how to handle it anymore. shrinks don't help me. i wish i could die but i'm not strong-willed enough to kill myself. and to everyone else, i am this huge perfectionist. i just want to be held and i'm a grown adult and i shouldn't feel like this anymore. i'm tired of faking happiness, i just want to get drugged into being happy cause at this point that's the only way i'm going to feel it."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/aghgm/aahahahahah/
Friday, December 18, 2009
I have a list of reasons I am shit and reasons my life is shit in my head
"I haven’t got a lot to say. I have had my ups and downs and, it seems, I only really feel the urge to write here when I’m either on a major downer or when I’m writing article-style to distract from a downer. I’m not the sort who writes when joy fills my soul. Those times are felt. Experienced. Lived.
So, deductively then, I must be on a major downer since I’m writing this. Yes. True.
I feel there is very little point to my life as of eight twenty-five pm, as I write this. By eight twenty-five pm tomorrow I have no idea if I will be feeling the same way or if my mind will be wandering down other avenues – I could be contemplating the relative merits of pickled beets over fresh. I don’t think I even realised that beetroot existed outside its purple-red vinegar drenched state until I was well into adulthood.
I have a list of reasons I am shit and reasons my life is shit in my head. I won’t bother writing them down because there’d be no point, as one of my main convictions right now (think we’ve moved on to eight-thirty pm now) is that there’s no point to my life and, surely, the corollary must then be that there’s no point to the reasons that point to my life having no point? At the very least no point in listing them. This is fun isn’t it?
I’m not going to kill myself. I have a pre-paid plane ticket to be in France for New Year’s. This by itself is not the whole reason I’m not killing myself. There are other reasons. Like, for instance I’m really busy being morose at the moment. It’s taking up all my time and energy and I like to put my all into a project once I get going. I’m just so busy being maudlin I cannot envisage creating a space in my schedule for suicide. I admit that’s not very forward-thinking of me."
Source: http://depressionetal.wordpress.com/
So, deductively then, I must be on a major downer since I’m writing this. Yes. True.
I feel there is very little point to my life as of eight twenty-five pm, as I write this. By eight twenty-five pm tomorrow I have no idea if I will be feeling the same way or if my mind will be wandering down other avenues – I could be contemplating the relative merits of pickled beets over fresh. I don’t think I even realised that beetroot existed outside its purple-red vinegar drenched state until I was well into adulthood.
I have a list of reasons I am shit and reasons my life is shit in my head. I won’t bother writing them down because there’d be no point, as one of my main convictions right now (think we’ve moved on to eight-thirty pm now) is that there’s no point to my life and, surely, the corollary must then be that there’s no point to the reasons that point to my life having no point? At the very least no point in listing them. This is fun isn’t it?
I’m not going to kill myself. I have a pre-paid plane ticket to be in France for New Year’s. This by itself is not the whole reason I’m not killing myself. There are other reasons. Like, for instance I’m really busy being morose at the moment. It’s taking up all my time and energy and I like to put my all into a project once I get going. I’m just so busy being maudlin I cannot envisage creating a space in my schedule for suicide. I admit that’s not very forward-thinking of me."
Source: http://depressionetal.wordpress.com/
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I am 17 and i want to jump off the bridge
"i want to kill myself so badly. i dont want to be alive. but i cant hurt my family. i don't want to do this to my mom and dad, but i really cant bare to live anymore. i am 17 and i want to jump off the bridge"
Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=169845
Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=169845
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
This sounds bad but I feel that the best choice for me and the baby is death
"This is kinda a sob story but I need some advice.
I’m 18 weeks pregnant and suffer from clinical depression. My pdoc and I decided that antidepressants would be good for me because of the depression and I’m currently taking 100mg of Zoloft. But the thing is that I feel no better. I guess you could say I’m better because I’m not constantly crying but that doesn’t mean much to me. I am unable to work because of the depression and schizo affective disorder…which means money if so tight that I can’t even buy shampoo when I need it. I’ve had to sell my books to make money to buy toilet paper and pay for a co-pay to visit a doctor. I’ve tried talking to the father of the baby but he wants nothing to do with me or the baby. I’m to the point where nothing seems to be ok and I feel that the future is just going to get worse and worse. The voices are getting louder and the shadow people are showing up everywhere. This sounds bad but I feel that the best choice for me and the baby is death. I don’t want the baby in a world where no one is willing to help out when it’s needed. I’ve tried getting cash assistance but I’ve been denied because apparently making nothing but what SSDI pays me is too much.
Here’s the thing. I’ve honestly been thinking about suicide a lot lately and I know that I should get help but why? The hospital, altho helpful, isn’t going to fix the problem. They might even decide to take the baby away if I make it to birth. I don’t want to lose the baby…and yes I know that contradicts my thoughts that the baby shouldn’t live in a world where no one will help out.
Geez I sound so pathetic. There are so many people out there who are worse off than I am and I want to kill myself…hahaha.
I’ve tried calling the clinic where I receive psychiatric help but I’m not allowed to have my pdoc’s office phone number and the nurse that is there never answers the phone. I leave messages but she still hasn’t gotten back with me and the last message I left was on Wednesday. I’m at my wits end.
My family, altho they said they’d help me with anything, lied. They won’t help buy food or shampoo. They won’t give me money for gas to put in my car. They think I’m making up the mood disorder and the voices and what not for attention. My older brother sent me a message on Facebook saying "Get a job and exercise." Family isn’t an option.
And before you say go to the hospital, I have disappointed my family by going to the hospital before and they’ve told me that I’d be a bigger disappointment if I went again.
I just don’t know what to do. The fact that I never sleep anymore doesn’t help. I’ve tried everything there. From changing my sleep patterns and hygiene to drinking warm milk and sleepytime tea. I’ve even been taking unisom because I can’t take insomnia meds. (I’m diagnosed with insomnia BTW).
What advice can you give me that might help.
Thanks
BTW, I’m unable to work because of my disabilities. If I didn’t mention that I am now. Please don’t suggest I get a job because I CAN’T work."
Source: http://insomniacurehomeremedy.com/2392/pregnant-and-depressed-please-read/
I’m 18 weeks pregnant and suffer from clinical depression. My pdoc and I decided that antidepressants would be good for me because of the depression and I’m currently taking 100mg of Zoloft. But the thing is that I feel no better. I guess you could say I’m better because I’m not constantly crying but that doesn’t mean much to me. I am unable to work because of the depression and schizo affective disorder…which means money if so tight that I can’t even buy shampoo when I need it. I’ve had to sell my books to make money to buy toilet paper and pay for a co-pay to visit a doctor. I’ve tried talking to the father of the baby but he wants nothing to do with me or the baby. I’m to the point where nothing seems to be ok and I feel that the future is just going to get worse and worse. The voices are getting louder and the shadow people are showing up everywhere. This sounds bad but I feel that the best choice for me and the baby is death. I don’t want the baby in a world where no one is willing to help out when it’s needed. I’ve tried getting cash assistance but I’ve been denied because apparently making nothing but what SSDI pays me is too much.
Here’s the thing. I’ve honestly been thinking about suicide a lot lately and I know that I should get help but why? The hospital, altho helpful, isn’t going to fix the problem. They might even decide to take the baby away if I make it to birth. I don’t want to lose the baby…and yes I know that contradicts my thoughts that the baby shouldn’t live in a world where no one will help out.
Geez I sound so pathetic. There are so many people out there who are worse off than I am and I want to kill myself…hahaha.
I’ve tried calling the clinic where I receive psychiatric help but I’m not allowed to have my pdoc’s office phone number and the nurse that is there never answers the phone. I leave messages but she still hasn’t gotten back with me and the last message I left was on Wednesday. I’m at my wits end.
My family, altho they said they’d help me with anything, lied. They won’t help buy food or shampoo. They won’t give me money for gas to put in my car. They think I’m making up the mood disorder and the voices and what not for attention. My older brother sent me a message on Facebook saying "Get a job and exercise." Family isn’t an option.
And before you say go to the hospital, I have disappointed my family by going to the hospital before and they’ve told me that I’d be a bigger disappointment if I went again.
I just don’t know what to do. The fact that I never sleep anymore doesn’t help. I’ve tried everything there. From changing my sleep patterns and hygiene to drinking warm milk and sleepytime tea. I’ve even been taking unisom because I can’t take insomnia meds. (I’m diagnosed with insomnia BTW).
What advice can you give me that might help.
Thanks
BTW, I’m unable to work because of my disabilities. If I didn’t mention that I am now. Please don’t suggest I get a job because I CAN’T work."
Source: http://insomniacurehomeremedy.com/2392/pregnant-and-depressed-please-read/
I have suicidal thoughts
"All my life (im 22) Ive had a short attention span,trouble concentrating and have been very attention seeking, also my mum used to be horrible to me, call me horrible things,put me down alot,break my things,pick on me etc, when i got to 18 i moved out and began sofa surfing until i lived in several hostels, dabbled with drugs and alcohol not working, i got depressed and started self harming, i also had a terrible rage inside me, an anger at the world and everything. At 20, I met my now boyfriend, before him, my relationships only ever lasted a month, i used to get bored and didnt want to be tied down, but things grew and now we have been together for two years.We love each other but our relationship has been terrible, my anger,mood swings,jealousy depression has caused big fights between us, i cant take criticism,it makes me lose control for some reason, and i also have no self confidence or esteem which has led to me always beleiveing he will run off with a better woman.Im immature,i can be selfish too.I started to have cognitive behaviour therapy and when we got to my last session, the therapist said i am very sure you have adhd. You display all the symptoms for it, but we need to get you diagnosed. But then i moved house and had to have a new doctor, i went to see the new doctor and told her this and she read my notes and my therapist had written nothing about the adhd! so now im stuck becuase i really need help, all the while i am not being treated,i self harm, i have suicidal thoughts,im ok one minute,then i act like a monster, throwing things,punching things, screaming,shouting,always craving attention, and my boyfriend loves me,hes dealt with this the whole time but i can see and he can see that the love is slowly dieing.If i lose him, i will lose everything.I dont have many friends anymore,not very close to my family.I feel so alone and oneday he will leave all becuase im a nasty person and i cant control myself,I dont know what to do! i just want to kill myself becuase if i will go through life losing the ones i love all the time whats the point?"
Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/ADHD/what-can-i-do-to-beat-this/
Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/ADHD/what-can-i-do-to-beat-this/
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
My life is over
"I'm gay. I'm. 16 and I switched schools because I hated my school. People at my old school started rumors I was gay and ironicaly I am gay. Well I go to my new school and it starts out great. I make friends yada yada yada.... Until someone at my old school told someone at my new school I was gay. Now everybody believes it. Today my friend asked if I was gay. I'm just depressed. I feel worthless. I want to try and kill myself. I'm close to that. I don't know whatelse to do. I feel as if my life is over and it's happening in front of me and I can't do anything to stop it....help... V-V "
Source: http://breakkup.com/with-me/depressed-worthless/
Source: http://breakkup.com/with-me/depressed-worthless/
Sunday, December 13, 2009
How i wish that i was dead
"im evolved around friends whom are very interesting to me... some annoying, some super shy, some talkative, some jokeful.... but it never come to my mind that some are weak that they tend to commit suicide as in kill them in order to live a peaceful live.... a friend of mine nearly did that on saturday night stating words of leaving this world making everyone panic and making me awake in the night while i was sleeping....
due to one break up it means end of the world to them.... i know i have no rights to say this but he is a guy and dont you think commiting sucide just for a guy you broke up with and what is more you yourself is a guy too *GAY* i would say this as rubbish... im not trying to make things worst but all this is really not worth it.... my friend told me that he has been trying to eat pills in order to sleep.... plan failed and now plan B.... what is this man... got up went on9 again and comfort him and tell him is not worth it and bla bla bla.... in the end i screwed him for doing such thing..... i shared with him my experience and all he said was sorry
at points i do have sucidal thoughts in me.... how i wish that i was dead now and to forget what is going on.... what im facing..... i do not only one suicidal thought but bountiful of them.... when im depressed i tend not to eat... make myself sick so that i wont be able to go out and meet ppl.... lock myself and just concentrate on my problems.... and in the end i not only hurt myself but the people around me....
if i wasnt a christian i might have just killed myself.... but thankfully i am and with the help of friends... i manage to get out of it.... anyway carving myself was actually part of my suicidal though hmmmmm but it leads to a scar which cannot be removed unless i purchased some scar removal product....
at times ppl do fall and that is when ppl need encouragement.... at times ppl success and hence pride comes which makes others dislike.... for more reason we need to be humble and balance it up.... it is a month of happiness as christmas is coming.... i do not wanna go through a month of crying and emoness around me..... MOVE ON PPL~~~~"
Source: http://boonmo.livejournal.com/11896.html
due to one break up it means end of the world to them.... i know i have no rights to say this but he is a guy and dont you think commiting sucide just for a guy you broke up with and what is more you yourself is a guy too *GAY* i would say this as rubbish... im not trying to make things worst but all this is really not worth it.... my friend told me that he has been trying to eat pills in order to sleep.... plan failed and now plan B.... what is this man... got up went on9 again and comfort him and tell him is not worth it and bla bla bla.... in the end i screwed him for doing such thing..... i shared with him my experience and all he said was sorry
at points i do have sucidal thoughts in me.... how i wish that i was dead now and to forget what is going on.... what im facing..... i do not only one suicidal thought but bountiful of them.... when im depressed i tend not to eat... make myself sick so that i wont be able to go out and meet ppl.... lock myself and just concentrate on my problems.... and in the end i not only hurt myself but the people around me....
if i wasnt a christian i might have just killed myself.... but thankfully i am and with the help of friends... i manage to get out of it.... anyway carving myself was actually part of my suicidal though hmmmmm but it leads to a scar which cannot be removed unless i purchased some scar removal product....
at times ppl do fall and that is when ppl need encouragement.... at times ppl success and hence pride comes which makes others dislike.... for more reason we need to be humble and balance it up.... it is a month of happiness as christmas is coming.... i do not wanna go through a month of crying and emoness around me..... MOVE ON PPL~~~~"
Source: http://boonmo.livejournal.com/11896.html
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I see my destiny in death
"I'm a 14 years old fat boy I hate my life so much people always telling me that I have good feelings and (bla, bla, bla)`i have been regret by so many people in cluding my friends.One day we where planing a dance and the teacher gave me a couple that regret me because I was fat and he told the teacher that for dance with me she would ance with other fat guy in the class room.Since that day io feel depresive I have been thinking in death so many times.Since that moment I think in the past and I reaction that people have always been rejecting me.I have cut my-self I tried to kill with pills and I really dont feel good.I get depresive when people are apologyzing cause I know they dont care about my life.I really want to die and dont know what to do can someone gave me a recomendation please.I don't care for my life anymore I have visit profesional help and nothing please people help me.And I don't want people that tell me not to do it just need some people to share them stories and gave recomendations.I listen gothic music heavy metal I listen everything that put me down plz someone help me
If u guys know about my life u would say is a perfect life I have a girlfriend that I love 2 much I love my family I have 2 cousins one of 5 years old and the other 2 years =) but ultimately I'm always depressed I don't wanna live where I'm leaving I wanna get out of this country I have a grandmother that I love with all my heart the whole family of my dad and mom love me I have almost everything but I dont know why i'm always waning 2 kill my self I still listen that music wi m not dead because I dont have the strengh 2 kill myself because I know what I'm gonna do to killl my self and just that family and everything that I have keep me alive but I wanna die 100% I know I would hurt a lot of people but I see my destiny in death and I'm gonna think it again I think I would kill next week =( I was emo"
Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/idk-just-read-and-comment/14330141/
If u guys know about my life u would say is a perfect life I have a girlfriend that I love 2 much I love my family I have 2 cousins one of 5 years old and the other 2 years =) but ultimately I'm always depressed I don't wanna live where I'm leaving I wanna get out of this country I have a grandmother that I love with all my heart the whole family of my dad and mom love me I have almost everything but I dont know why i'm always waning 2 kill my self I still listen that music wi m not dead because I dont have the strengh 2 kill myself because I know what I'm gonna do to killl my self and just that family and everything that I have keep me alive but I wanna die 100% I know I would hurt a lot of people but I see my destiny in death and I'm gonna think it again I think I would kill next week =( I was emo"
Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/idk-just-read-and-comment/14330141/
I'm losing faith
"Ok. I have been struggling with depression since 7th grade. I've been out of school for 4 years now and it's worse than ever. I've even managed to come up with some pretty severe anxiety too. I wouldn't say I'm SEVERELY depressed ALL the time but when I have "episodes" as I call them ... I fall so deep into a depression, suicide is my only thought. I can only wonder ... how long will it keep going like this? We're trying two medications at once and it's still not helping. I'm losing faith in medication and therapy ... is there nothing else? What can I do???"
Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8598311-im-sad
Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8598311-im-sad
Friday, December 11, 2009
I'm just getting myself more and more stuck and there doesn't seem to be a way out
"I'm so sick of life. I just feel more and more depressed all the time and I feel so lonely as well. I just want to kill myself. I can't be bothered with anything... it all seems so pointless to me. I'm probably not going to get anywhere anyway I'm too lazy...
I feel like a failure anyway... even when I do try my hardest at things something always ends up going wrong anyway and I fail miserably. Then I just feel like a disappointment and I feel like crying. I don't see how anythings going to get better for me anyway since I have no motivation to do anything other than sleep.
People on ep have told me to get help get counseling and whatever but I can't. That's just... kind of scary and I'm to shy to speak up about it. No matter how hard I try words won't come out of my mouth.
I don't know what to do anymore... I'm just getting myself more and more stuck and there doesn't seem to be a way out."
Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=167975
I feel like a failure anyway... even when I do try my hardest at things something always ends up going wrong anyway and I fail miserably. Then I just feel like a disappointment and I feel like crying. I don't see how anythings going to get better for me anyway since I have no motivation to do anything other than sleep.
People on ep have told me to get help get counseling and whatever but I can't. That's just... kind of scary and I'm to shy to speak up about it. No matter how hard I try words won't come out of my mouth.
I don't know what to do anymore... I'm just getting myself more and more stuck and there doesn't seem to be a way out."
Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=167975
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I hate my life
"I’m sad. I hate my life. I only have a few friends and most of them don’t like me that much.
This morning, I left an umbrella outside on my school bus stop as I climbed onto the bus. I thought my grandma would come and get it like she always did but she didn’t. She screamed at me when I came home. I feel that my entire family hates me, especally my brother. He curses at me and calls me stupid everyday.
"I have a strange fear. I am afraid of everything my brother touches and things that touch that and so on. I see those things as dirty. I won’t even go into my bed anymore. Nobody ever goes into my room but my bed is ‘dirty’ so I sleep sitting on a chair in the closet.
I am a christiann ever since I was born but when I started to go to church everyweek, I started to hate God. My family doesn’t know.
I feel that I have ruined my life and I want to commit suicide and finish it for all."
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/sad/
This morning, I left an umbrella outside on my school bus stop as I climbed onto the bus. I thought my grandma would come and get it like she always did but she didn’t. She screamed at me when I came home. I feel that my entire family hates me, especally my brother. He curses at me and calls me stupid everyday.
"I have a strange fear. I am afraid of everything my brother touches and things that touch that and so on. I see those things as dirty. I won’t even go into my bed anymore. Nobody ever goes into my room but my bed is ‘dirty’ so I sleep sitting on a chair in the closet.
I am a christiann ever since I was born but when I started to go to church everyweek, I started to hate God. My family doesn’t know.
I feel that I have ruined my life and I want to commit suicide and finish it for all."
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/sad/
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The End
"Right at this moment, I can at least think about it. However a few days ago, I was about ready to go through with dying. I was so depressed that my mind hurt, that I could almost not think of anything else but a way out. Every new day feels like I just trying to distract myself, like I am procrastinating what I need to do. Everything has been wrong for a long time, and its been getting worse lately, to make a longer story short.
I haven't told any of my friends really. (don't have a very close relationship to family) I have told my girlfriend I am depressed, and hinted to other friends that I am suicidal and/or depressed, but I think they think I am joking...I joke around a lot. I am afraid to tell them, because if I actually do tell them then when they realize how serious I am, they will probably begin a series of events that will lead me to being hauled off to some sort of suicide watch ward. I am not sure exactly how likely I am to go through with it...but I guess I am serious enough that I don't want to cut out any options at this point.
To be truthful, I am scared. I am scared of what would happen if I were sent to a ward, or whatever you want to call it. I feel like it would be humiliating. I do not think I could control who all found out. On the other hand, death would just be sweet release. Nothingness. The End.
I am not really sure what I am trying to say, actually. I don't know what I expect. In real life, I have become so accustomed to acting normally even though I am far from OK, that I find it hard to even talk about feeling this way. I tried a couple times. It doesn't feel natural, it feels like I would be talking about somebody else. I don't know how to describe it.
But here I am."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/acow1/thinking_about_going_through_with_it_tbh/
I haven't told any of my friends really. (don't have a very close relationship to family) I have told my girlfriend I am depressed, and hinted to other friends that I am suicidal and/or depressed, but I think they think I am joking...I joke around a lot. I am afraid to tell them, because if I actually do tell them then when they realize how serious I am, they will probably begin a series of events that will lead me to being hauled off to some sort of suicide watch ward. I am not sure exactly how likely I am to go through with it...but I guess I am serious enough that I don't want to cut out any options at this point.
To be truthful, I am scared. I am scared of what would happen if I were sent to a ward, or whatever you want to call it. I feel like it would be humiliating. I do not think I could control who all found out. On the other hand, death would just be sweet release. Nothingness. The End.
I am not really sure what I am trying to say, actually. I don't know what I expect. In real life, I have become so accustomed to acting normally even though I am far from OK, that I find it hard to even talk about feeling this way. I tried a couple times. It doesn't feel natural, it feels like I would be talking about somebody else. I don't know how to describe it.
But here I am."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/acow1/thinking_about_going_through_with_it_tbh/
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I'm trying very hard
"I have been diagnosed many things, including bipolar and depression and what not. After suffering my whole life, i don't think i have bipolar, where as i have a mood disorder with symptoms of depression. I frequently want to kill myself, and rarely try anymore.
I'm too scared that i will spend eternity in hell if i commit suicide, and untill i know that i won't burn forever, i wont do it.
I'm trying very hard. I have beaten of a 5 year battle with dope and booze, as well i have quit smoking for 3/4 of a year. I try to better myself everyday, but i still am dealing with short intense depressions that make me want to kill myself. I feel like i always am depressed, but really i have low self esteem and years of bad thinking patterns. I am a cool guy i guess, but i still don't quite believe it. I work everyday on thinking 'correctly' about myself and life in general, but its being a battle.
if anyone else has a similar experience feel free to contact me if you want to work on getting better togethter, or if you just want to tell me something. I would like to help."
Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Battle-Depression/809122
I'm too scared that i will spend eternity in hell if i commit suicide, and untill i know that i won't burn forever, i wont do it.
I'm trying very hard. I have beaten of a 5 year battle with dope and booze, as well i have quit smoking for 3/4 of a year. I try to better myself everyday, but i still am dealing with short intense depressions that make me want to kill myself. I feel like i always am depressed, but really i have low self esteem and years of bad thinking patterns. I am a cool guy i guess, but i still don't quite believe it. I work everyday on thinking 'correctly' about myself and life in general, but its being a battle.
if anyone else has a similar experience feel free to contact me if you want to work on getting better togethter, or if you just want to tell me something. I would like to help."
Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Battle-Depression/809122
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sorry
"i find i use listening to sad music as a way of being accessing my thoughts and emotions. i try block them out and have found the key to doing that is to listen to happy music only. but i have recently found about 4 really nice songs but they are sad and about people dying and commit suicide. it makes me sad but i find its only in the times that i get so extremely low that im condidering suicide i am able to acually acess what it is i feel. lik when i wrote the list of reasones to go, it wasnt a list of just why to go but a list of problems and its the list that when professionals ask my to say in therapy i have never ever been able to say to anyone.
so at one point of view its great i can finally access my true feelings and write them out in some way to give to the professionals but at same time i also just about ready to kill myself. there isnt really any half way ground either with the music.
i just dont know, i know you have to get worse to get better but i feel its dangerous bussiness. my crisis team appear to have left me now for some reasone just stoped calling and stuff and i only get my therapy once every two weeks , i just feel so alone in doing this.
i guess i dont really know the point in this post becasue im waffling but i just feel alone in trying to figure whats wrong with me.
sorry."
Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8584059-processing-thoughtssad-music
so at one point of view its great i can finally access my true feelings and write them out in some way to give to the professionals but at same time i also just about ready to kill myself. there isnt really any half way ground either with the music.
i just dont know, i know you have to get worse to get better but i feel its dangerous bussiness. my crisis team appear to have left me now for some reasone just stoped calling and stuff and i only get my therapy once every two weeks , i just feel so alone in doing this.
i guess i dont really know the point in this post becasue im waffling but i just feel alone in trying to figure whats wrong with me.
sorry."
Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8584059-processing-thoughtssad-music
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I'm just so tired and fed up now... its all becoming too hard
"I'm still alive, just haven't been posting.
Things in my previous post didn't go as badly as I thought they would. The CPA meeting went alright although I was unbelievably anxious. Lots of reports about my past and how I come to be in the hospital were read out which was uncomfortable for me but I managed to cope.
I tested positive for Dissociative Identity Disorder which wasn't a big surprise although the therapist would like to continue with observations.
My main concern was about when we would start the trauma work. It was decided that I'm not strong enough to deal with the trauma at the moment, and given the fact that it will take a long time they think its best to just help me deal with every day life. I'm disappointed with the decision. I don't wait until I'm strong enough because what if I ever won't be? And what if it is years before I'm strong enough? I want to start it all now so I can get on with my life. *Sigh*
Everyone Else's concern was what will happen when I turn 18 in January. My local adolescent mental health team are looking into what the adult services may be able to offer and of course there is the concern of if I will be able to cope at home or will I have to try and get funding to be moved to an adult ward. None of those queries have been answered so I've been left feeling like after Christmas there is nothing - I can't see a future because I don't know what the possibilities are.
But in general it was a good meeting and everyone was pleased to see that I was working so hard.
I've felt really low the last few weeks and if I am honest, I've been suicidal. I haven't made any plans, but I've had thoughts.
I've not been sleeping well, I got too used to the sleeping tablets and they stopped working. On one night I had less than three hours sleep in total. Anyone knows, that if you don't have depression and you suffer from insomnia that it can make you very run down and low enough as it is... so the depression and all the other things I'm trying hard to cope with has just made it almost unbearable.
I've just been so tired that I became tired of fighting to get better. I wanted (and suppose still want) to just give up. I'm too tired to care. I don't have the energy to cope anymore. I can't see a future and I can't be bothered with it.
Although I've been feeling so shit I have been making the effort to use distraction techniques. When I was first admitted mum brought me a word search puzzle book and I have been doing them a lot this week - so much that I brought two more today in town. I've also been able to ask for medication when things become too over-whelming but before I'm allowed it I have to tell staff how I'm feeling (not necessarily why but just so they are aware) so its all helpful...
I've been switching a lot this week. Last week I was switching a lot in the evenings but this week its been during the day as well. I think its taken a while for everybody to get used to being in such a different environment, especially one that leaves them quite exposed if they came out and its away from Gareth who has become their (and my) safety net. I think perhaps having a confirmed diagnoses of DID has made them feel a bit safer in the knowledge we can safely say that we're not making it up.
I don't always have good communication with the others, or I forget to ask them something so on the back of my door I've put up a piece of paper and left notes for the alters. They've written back which is interesting to see their different handwriting. Jade apparently made my bed and Lilly has at some point been out but both of which I don't know when. I brought a notebook today so that the notes can continue but in a little bit more private - if I have visitors I don't want them reading everything.
Its nearly Christmas which means I will be seeing my Dad's side of the family a lot again. They will ask what have I been up to, and how college is going and every thing like that. I want to tell them so much that actually I've been in a mental hospital for the last 2 months, I try to kill myself regularly and I have multiple personality disorder because I've been abused so much. I want it out of attention from them. I want it because I want to see if they actually care about me. And last of all, I want it because I'm so fucking sick of saying "oh you know, not up to much really, just the usual". I want to tell people the fucking TRUTH about ME! For once I want them to care about ME!!! ME!! Why does it always have to be about them! Why can't they worry about me for once in their fucking lives! *takes a deep breath*
Mum doesn't want anyone to know, because she thinks it will cause more shit for me as certain family members may be nasty about it and use it against me. It kinda feels like shes ashamed of me and my problems sometimes... *sigh* I'm just sick of having to hide who I really am when I'm at home or around family... when at hospital I have to learn all over again to let people see me.... its just hard and I'm tired of pretending... and its actually making me feel lonely because I feel like I have no one to talk to or relate to.
I'm just so tired and fed up now... its all becoming too hard."
Source: http://beautifuldisaster-sparkle.blogspot.com/
Things in my previous post didn't go as badly as I thought they would. The CPA meeting went alright although I was unbelievably anxious. Lots of reports about my past and how I come to be in the hospital were read out which was uncomfortable for me but I managed to cope.
I tested positive for Dissociative Identity Disorder which wasn't a big surprise although the therapist would like to continue with observations.
My main concern was about when we would start the trauma work. It was decided that I'm not strong enough to deal with the trauma at the moment, and given the fact that it will take a long time they think its best to just help me deal with every day life. I'm disappointed with the decision. I don't wait until I'm strong enough because what if I ever won't be? And what if it is years before I'm strong enough? I want to start it all now so I can get on with my life. *Sigh*
Everyone Else's concern was what will happen when I turn 18 in January. My local adolescent mental health team are looking into what the adult services may be able to offer and of course there is the concern of if I will be able to cope at home or will I have to try and get funding to be moved to an adult ward. None of those queries have been answered so I've been left feeling like after Christmas there is nothing - I can't see a future because I don't know what the possibilities are.
But in general it was a good meeting and everyone was pleased to see that I was working so hard.
I've felt really low the last few weeks and if I am honest, I've been suicidal. I haven't made any plans, but I've had thoughts.
I've not been sleeping well, I got too used to the sleeping tablets and they stopped working. On one night I had less than three hours sleep in total. Anyone knows, that if you don't have depression and you suffer from insomnia that it can make you very run down and low enough as it is... so the depression and all the other things I'm trying hard to cope with has just made it almost unbearable.
I've just been so tired that I became tired of fighting to get better. I wanted (and suppose still want) to just give up. I'm too tired to care. I don't have the energy to cope anymore. I can't see a future and I can't be bothered with it.
Although I've been feeling so shit I have been making the effort to use distraction techniques. When I was first admitted mum brought me a word search puzzle book and I have been doing them a lot this week - so much that I brought two more today in town. I've also been able to ask for medication when things become too over-whelming but before I'm allowed it I have to tell staff how I'm feeling (not necessarily why but just so they are aware) so its all helpful...
I've been switching a lot this week. Last week I was switching a lot in the evenings but this week its been during the day as well. I think its taken a while for everybody to get used to being in such a different environment, especially one that leaves them quite exposed if they came out and its away from Gareth who has become their (and my) safety net. I think perhaps having a confirmed diagnoses of DID has made them feel a bit safer in the knowledge we can safely say that we're not making it up.
I don't always have good communication with the others, or I forget to ask them something so on the back of my door I've put up a piece of paper and left notes for the alters. They've written back which is interesting to see their different handwriting. Jade apparently made my bed and Lilly has at some point been out but both of which I don't know when. I brought a notebook today so that the notes can continue but in a little bit more private - if I have visitors I don't want them reading everything.
Its nearly Christmas which means I will be seeing my Dad's side of the family a lot again. They will ask what have I been up to, and how college is going and every thing like that. I want to tell them so much that actually I've been in a mental hospital for the last 2 months, I try to kill myself regularly and I have multiple personality disorder because I've been abused so much. I want it out of attention from them. I want it because I want to see if they actually care about me. And last of all, I want it because I'm so fucking sick of saying "oh you know, not up to much really, just the usual". I want to tell people the fucking TRUTH about ME! For once I want them to care about ME!!! ME!! Why does it always have to be about them! Why can't they worry about me for once in their fucking lives! *takes a deep breath*
Mum doesn't want anyone to know, because she thinks it will cause more shit for me as certain family members may be nasty about it and use it against me. It kinda feels like shes ashamed of me and my problems sometimes... *sigh* I'm just sick of having to hide who I really am when I'm at home or around family... when at hospital I have to learn all over again to let people see me.... its just hard and I'm tired of pretending... and its actually making me feel lonely because I feel like I have no one to talk to or relate to.
I'm just so tired and fed up now... its all becoming too hard."
Source: http://beautifuldisaster-sparkle.blogspot.com/
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Me = Pain
"How should I kill myself.?... I know my family lost a lot of love for me. I am starting to accept that. All I know of now is I want to put the loved ones around me out of pain. Me= Pain. Can someone just be honest with me, and tell me the least painful way to put myself out of pain, I would like to die peaceful in my my bed. My Mother got tooth surgery and was given painkillers, Ketorolac is the pills they are called. Would this work?"
Source: http://mentalhealthcares.blogspot.com/2009/12/how-should-i-kill-myself.html
Source: http://mentalhealthcares.blogspot.com/2009/12/how-should-i-kill-myself.html
Friday, December 4, 2009
It would be nice to talk to someone who understands me
"Ummm..... Okay how do I start this.... Well im depressed and ive been dealing with alot in my life right now. I've attempted suicide and I cut myself. I have not told any of my family and only told like one friend. I read some of this stuff posted on here about depression and self harm. but im not getting any of it. They all say the same thing and that is to tell someone and/or to stop and how it is not good for you and how there are alternatives. Well.. I hate to sound mean and im not trying to but really dont speak inless you know how we feel. Because It's not right I know how I feel and I feel there are no alternatives.
I dont feel like any of these people had mentioned about why people cut themselves and why they self harm. Well if you want to know the truth about why we do it you can ask me. But i need help which is why I kind of came here. So if you know how I feel and really actually care then could you like message me... It would be nice to talk to someone who understands me. I need to vent. I write poetry too which is how i get some of my anger or depressinon out. But if you are interested in helping someone. Im here please I would love to talk and maybe I can help you with something too. But please???"
Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/85894-maybe-i-need-life-help.html
I dont feel like any of these people had mentioned about why people cut themselves and why they self harm. Well if you want to know the truth about why we do it you can ask me. But i need help which is why I kind of came here. So if you know how I feel and really actually care then could you like message me... It would be nice to talk to someone who understands me. I need to vent. I write poetry too which is how i get some of my anger or depressinon out. But if you are interested in helping someone. Im here please I would love to talk and maybe I can help you with something too. But please???"
Source: http://www.teenhut.net/depression-self-harm-suicide/85894-maybe-i-need-life-help.html
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I'd like to divorce myself
"I don't know whether it's the damn fuck-fucking holidays, the fact that my court date for the divorce is hanging over my head (with no immediate end in sight), the fact that I can't lose weight to save my life, despite adding some exercise in, or what the fucking-fuck, but SB's ass is in a funk. Sorry folks, but that's what you get for being a regular reader of a blog written by a moody manic-depressive asshole.
I actually called yesterday to catch up with a good friend, who I have been out of touch with for months now, and at some point in the conversation, this friend said, "You sound really angry." This was after I explained to her not to take my out-of-touchness personally and that I haven't been doing much of anything--just getting through the damn work day and going home to the cats.
I had another old friend try to make plans to get together with me before the holidays the other day, and I told her there was no way and scheduled dinner in January.
I was really happy when I first moved out of my marital home, but now I am just energy-less and depressed. I guess divorce (even when you know it's totally necessary) is still like grieving a death. I am in the anger phase now, motherfuckers. I am pissed off that this court date is hanging over us--I just want to have it done with. Frankly, I felt divorced the day I signed the lease on the new digs. It was over when I moved my shit out. All this court bullshit is just dredging everything back up again. I am extremely pissed off that the government is involved in my personal relationship. Those fuckers even get to tax my paltry settlement check. So, yeah, I guess I am angry.
The Moms pissed me off by hanging up on me, and I haven't spoken to her in about three weeks now. I am mad that when I could really use the support, she had the fucking sheer brattiness to hang up on me. If a motherfucker hangs up on SB, SB does NOT call back. You teach a bitch how to treat you. The Moms always says that, and it is correct, and now she is learning it too.
This is it boys and girls. This is about as personal as SB cares to get. I just wanted all of you fuckers to know that I am not feeling very funny currently, and the posts may be somewhat sporadic.
For those of you that have my phone number or e-mail, this is NOT a plea for support. I really just want to be left alone to work through this. It will pass. Everything does.
Some random thoughts this morning. (Lucky you!)
1) Was Catherine Zeta-Jones sorry she married Michael Douglas, because basically, her ass sacrificed a semi-promising career to marry that Pepaw? Do they live in unadulterated bliss? Was it worth it? (I told you motherfuckers I think REALLY deep thoughts in the morning. I just can't turn the shit off.)
2) I don't believe in the kind of soul-mate passionate love assholes depict in the movies. I really don't.
3) I have lost my goddamn JOY in life, and I wish whoever took that shit would fucking give it back.
4) If I have to endure one more gray rainy pre-winter day, I am going to kill myself. (I actually said this to the dog this morning. In return, she farted. And it dawned on me that THAT fucking response was about as meaningful as anything man has come up with in thousands of years. The Buddha would have farted in response, too. That's about how meaningful this life is. There is no meaning besides what we subscribe to things.)
5) My khaki work pants have gotten so fucking tight, that after I zippered and buttoned them, I had to yank them the fuck up HARD (which momentarily hurt my moneymaker), or I would have come to work with plumber's crack. I threw a long sweater on to cover that shit up. Said sweater accentuates my fat overfed American ass.
[I would continue here with the chain of thought, but you get the picture. Some days, my own cynicism makes me want to throw up. I'd like to divorce myself.]"
Source: http://sarcastbastard.blogspot.com/
I actually called yesterday to catch up with a good friend, who I have been out of touch with for months now, and at some point in the conversation, this friend said, "You sound really angry." This was after I explained to her not to take my out-of-touchness personally and that I haven't been doing much of anything--just getting through the damn work day and going home to the cats.
I had another old friend try to make plans to get together with me before the holidays the other day, and I told her there was no way and scheduled dinner in January.
I was really happy when I first moved out of my marital home, but now I am just energy-less and depressed. I guess divorce (even when you know it's totally necessary) is still like grieving a death. I am in the anger phase now, motherfuckers. I am pissed off that this court date is hanging over us--I just want to have it done with. Frankly, I felt divorced the day I signed the lease on the new digs. It was over when I moved my shit out. All this court bullshit is just dredging everything back up again. I am extremely pissed off that the government is involved in my personal relationship. Those fuckers even get to tax my paltry settlement check. So, yeah, I guess I am angry.
The Moms pissed me off by hanging up on me, and I haven't spoken to her in about three weeks now. I am mad that when I could really use the support, she had the fucking sheer brattiness to hang up on me. If a motherfucker hangs up on SB, SB does NOT call back. You teach a bitch how to treat you. The Moms always says that, and it is correct, and now she is learning it too.
This is it boys and girls. This is about as personal as SB cares to get. I just wanted all of you fuckers to know that I am not feeling very funny currently, and the posts may be somewhat sporadic.
For those of you that have my phone number or e-mail, this is NOT a plea for support. I really just want to be left alone to work through this. It will pass. Everything does.
Some random thoughts this morning. (Lucky you!)
1) Was Catherine Zeta-Jones sorry she married Michael Douglas, because basically, her ass sacrificed a semi-promising career to marry that Pepaw? Do they live in unadulterated bliss? Was it worth it? (I told you motherfuckers I think REALLY deep thoughts in the morning. I just can't turn the shit off.)
2) I don't believe in the kind of soul-mate passionate love assholes depict in the movies. I really don't.
3) I have lost my goddamn JOY in life, and I wish whoever took that shit would fucking give it back.
4) If I have to endure one more gray rainy pre-winter day, I am going to kill myself. (I actually said this to the dog this morning. In return, she farted. And it dawned on me that THAT fucking response was about as meaningful as anything man has come up with in thousands of years. The Buddha would have farted in response, too. That's about how meaningful this life is. There is no meaning besides what we subscribe to things.)
5) My khaki work pants have gotten so fucking tight, that after I zippered and buttoned them, I had to yank them the fuck up HARD (which momentarily hurt my moneymaker), or I would have come to work with plumber's crack. I threw a long sweater on to cover that shit up. Said sweater accentuates my fat overfed American ass.
[I would continue here with the chain of thought, but you get the picture. Some days, my own cynicism makes me want to throw up. I'd like to divorce myself.]"
Source: http://sarcastbastard.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m finished. I’m done. I think I’ll just exit stage left.
"It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I’m finished. I’m done. I think I’ll just exit stage left. I can’t deal with this bullshit of life anymore. I’m originally from the East Coast – Maryland, but I’m now living on the West Coast – California. I came out here because I was tired of my parents after high school, so I just left and tried to carve my own path – unsuccessfully. Throughout my life and up to high school since I graduated last year I have been treated like crap. I got no respect whatsoever in school. Every girl I knew rejected me even to go to the Senior Prom. I ended up not going.
All my friends went to college, while I didn’t. They lived out their dreams. I just ended up coming out here, miles away from an unsatisfactory existence in my old hometown. I thought I’d be happier here, but I’m not.
I’ll never forget when I told my parents I was driving to California to start a new life. My dad was reading the newspaper, and he was like “ok.” And continued. My mom was like “have fun.” When I left, they said goodbye. No hugs, no kisses. I’ve been in California since July of last year. The road trip was fun. I got no phone calls, no letters, no nothing from my parents. I haven’t talked to them since I left I guess it was true, they don’t like me. Apparently, I heard my grandpa say “Good riddance” and my parents basically said the same thing plus they’re glad I’m gone and out of their way.
Now, I work for a computer company out here in Silicon Valley, it’s alright. I can afford my own apartment and such. I still get treated like crap, even at work. I get disrespected so much by my coworkers.
This really beautiful chick I had my eye on for a while rejected me too and told me she was single, but ended up accepting another guy who asked her out after me.
Live just continues to suck. It seems like there’s nothing good that can come out of life anymore. I look at all these people who have great lives and I just envy them. I never got to have that. I never will. I can’t see how some people can be so happy by life. It sucks. It’s meaningless.
So, I proposed a solution. Since I’m 19, I went and got a gun. It’s a really powerful gun. I plan to just obliterate myself with it. Then this crappy life will be over and it will be great. Nonexistence is alot better than trying to survive this hell, day to day. There’s no point in living. My parents SURE don’t give a damn about me. I have no friends. I have no concrete reason to continue living. I have no hope.
I’ll just merge a bullet with my brain and then I’ll die here, 2000 miles away from home.
I don’t believe in God anymore either, so don’t give me that crap of “I’m going to hell”. I stopped believing in God last year.
I just felt like I needed to get this off of my chest before the end."
Source: http://siliconvalley10.cityspur.com/2009/12/01/i-cant-deal-with-this-anymore-2/
I’m finished. I’m done. I think I’ll just exit stage left. I can’t deal with this bullshit of life anymore. I’m originally from the East Coast – Maryland, but I’m now living on the West Coast – California. I came out here because I was tired of my parents after high school, so I just left and tried to carve my own path – unsuccessfully. Throughout my life and up to high school since I graduated last year I have been treated like crap. I got no respect whatsoever in school. Every girl I knew rejected me even to go to the Senior Prom. I ended up not going.
All my friends went to college, while I didn’t. They lived out their dreams. I just ended up coming out here, miles away from an unsatisfactory existence in my old hometown. I thought I’d be happier here, but I’m not.
I’ll never forget when I told my parents I was driving to California to start a new life. My dad was reading the newspaper, and he was like “ok.” And continued. My mom was like “have fun.” When I left, they said goodbye. No hugs, no kisses. I’ve been in California since July of last year. The road trip was fun. I got no phone calls, no letters, no nothing from my parents. I haven’t talked to them since I left I guess it was true, they don’t like me. Apparently, I heard my grandpa say “Good riddance” and my parents basically said the same thing plus they’re glad I’m gone and out of their way.
Now, I work for a computer company out here in Silicon Valley, it’s alright. I can afford my own apartment and such. I still get treated like crap, even at work. I get disrespected so much by my coworkers.
This really beautiful chick I had my eye on for a while rejected me too and told me she was single, but ended up accepting another guy who asked her out after me.
Live just continues to suck. It seems like there’s nothing good that can come out of life anymore. I look at all these people who have great lives and I just envy them. I never got to have that. I never will. I can’t see how some people can be so happy by life. It sucks. It’s meaningless.
So, I proposed a solution. Since I’m 19, I went and got a gun. It’s a really powerful gun. I plan to just obliterate myself with it. Then this crappy life will be over and it will be great. Nonexistence is alot better than trying to survive this hell, day to day. There’s no point in living. My parents SURE don’t give a damn about me. I have no friends. I have no concrete reason to continue living. I have no hope.
I’ll just merge a bullet with my brain and then I’ll die here, 2000 miles away from home.
I don’t believe in God anymore either, so don’t give me that crap of “I’m going to hell”. I stopped believing in God last year.
I just felt like I needed to get this off of my chest before the end."
Source: http://siliconvalley10.cityspur.com/2009/12/01/i-cant-deal-with-this-anymore-2/
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I haven't been getting that many answers and it's just eating away at me
"Please answer this. I haven't been getting that many answers and it's just eating away at me. I know it's long. Tomorrow's my therapist appointment and I've been thinking a lot this past week if I should just stop seeing my therapist and psychiatrist all together. I've been seeing them since the summer and there hasn't been any change... But maybe the reason there hasn't been any change is b/c I don't need to change b/c there's nothing wrong with me. The only reason I started seeing them is b/c I have been meaning to kill myself and tried to a few times before. So I just think it'd be easier to not want to kill yourself than to continuously try to and be scared to when you try. So I just think I'm going b/c of that and not b/c I have an actual psychological problem... Well if any of you have a psychological disorder (such as depression, bipolar, BPD...) can you let me know EXACTLY how you feel and if you think I may be feeling the same things as you and am justified in saying that I have this disorder. I just sometimes feel that my psychiatrist is humoring me when she tells me I have a problem... But anyway... Some of the things that may qualify as 'not normal' about me are:
- Constant suicidal thoughts
- Usual 'low' mood
- I always feel worthless and hate myself and am disgusted by myself (probably my biggest problem)
- I can get very excited very easily over small stupid things (such as eating a certain meal) and can get very depressed very easily over small stupid things (such as a friend 'jokingly' making fun of my thumbs) - this usually happens once or twice every two weeks or so
- I NEVER let anyone know how I'm feeling especially if they're feelings of sadness
- I'm extrememly protective over all my stuff
Ok that's how I am now. One of the main reasons I doubt I'm depressed is b/c 5 years back when I was 13, my problems were A LOT worse, so they just seem really insignificant and dialed down now. I used to have depressive episodes every night with a lot of crying, had 3 panic attacks that year, had manic episodes most mornings, was very paranoid, delusional (and so, did not trust anyone for 'help'), and I thought I could hear and see things. So, I think part of the reason I'm acting this way now is maybe b/c I miss how it was back in grade 8, which I found to be my best and worst year. This isn't something sudden that's come back this year, though. It's just died down after grade 9.
So, do you guys think there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm doing this all for attention? That's something that I consider a lot and I think my therapist and psychiatrist think so to. Plus, the more I'm starting to see them the more I realize that they're starting to make me feel a lot worse about myself. Have any of you experienced this with any of your psychiatrists or therapists? If you have, did changing the psych or therapist help or was it solely your problem?"
Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091130214825AAgrkws
- Constant suicidal thoughts
- Usual 'low' mood
- I always feel worthless and hate myself and am disgusted by myself (probably my biggest problem)
- I can get very excited very easily over small stupid things (such as eating a certain meal) and can get very depressed very easily over small stupid things (such as a friend 'jokingly' making fun of my thumbs) - this usually happens once or twice every two weeks or so
- I NEVER let anyone know how I'm feeling especially if they're feelings of sadness
- I'm extrememly protective over all my stuff
Ok that's how I am now. One of the main reasons I doubt I'm depressed is b/c 5 years back when I was 13, my problems were A LOT worse, so they just seem really insignificant and dialed down now. I used to have depressive episodes every night with a lot of crying, had 3 panic attacks that year, had manic episodes most mornings, was very paranoid, delusional (and so, did not trust anyone for 'help'), and I thought I could hear and see things. So, I think part of the reason I'm acting this way now is maybe b/c I miss how it was back in grade 8, which I found to be my best and worst year. This isn't something sudden that's come back this year, though. It's just died down after grade 9.
So, do you guys think there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm doing this all for attention? That's something that I consider a lot and I think my therapist and psychiatrist think so to. Plus, the more I'm starting to see them the more I realize that they're starting to make me feel a lot worse about myself. Have any of you experienced this with any of your psychiatrists or therapists? If you have, did changing the psych or therapist help or was it solely your problem?"
Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091130214825AAgrkws
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