I don’t know how to live and I don’t know how to die

"I’m still waiting for something to happen. Not something special that could finally brings me to the end of this pain. Everything is fine, everything makes me feel this is the very end.

I don’t know if I’m the weird one. I want some help but at the same time I isolated myself avoiding others, even my friends, with some silly escuses. Hardly I recognize myself when I look into the mirror.

I started to hate being surrounded by people when found everybody in my life betraying me. Was really my fault? My parents, my friend, my boyfriend. I can’t go out without feelin’ uneasy, sickened. Maybe I too weak to overcome something like that, maybe I simply can’t. Maybe I trusted the wrong people. The only thing I’m sure about is that nobody could’ve hurt me in the same twisted way they did. It seem like some of them did it on purpose. Just to push me down. Just to break myself in pieces. Should I have been stronger to bear all this? I’m so young but still all I see in front of me is deep despair.

I could say I want to live, now. In five minutes I may change my mind. I wrote this piece in the last moment of relief, I’m gonna give myself the last chance to survive. I can’t help myself thinking life can still be wonderful for me. But now I’m so tired, so numb, so addicted, so overwrought that all I can think about is that now I’m a complete coward. I don’t know how to live and I don’t know how to die."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/10/somehow-im-still-here/