I'm so fucking lonely. I've got nothing. I've got music, I've got a dream. A dream that is, as always, barely hanging on.

"Days like today, dude I really have no fucking clue how to get out of this rut.

I feel lower than low. I feel like suicide. I'm not gonna lie, it all stems from the military. I can't think about having a gun in my hands again, and wearing a uniform again. I really don't want to be the arbiter over whether or not someone else survives. I want to see a psychologist, I don't have money. I haven't gotten sleep in days, fuck, in weeks over this.

My band has got to be a huge joke. I just don't understand it. How the fuck do hardcore bands get together? How is there so much shitty music that's so popular? Why?!?

How does this demo hit the ears of people, and they love it, and yet here I am sitting at my studio at 1AM waiting for the guys in my band to get here. Two weeks ago we agreed to do an acoustic show at Cool Beans. We posted it on Twitter, and a bunch of people actually got mad stoked. I was surprised, honestly. I didn't expect anyone to give a shit. But there's like 11 people coming, and all we did was put one tweet on Twitter. That's it. We did no promotion.

Yet, for some reason, Chris and Andrew seemed surprised at the reminder two days ago that we had a show. We haven't practiced at all. There is always some bullshit excuse. Chris doesn't know the songs, Andrew isn't tight. Dude I don't fucking get it. What's the point of this fucking shit?

How are so many terrible bands able to get together? How do they find people who believe in that shit?

I feel like it may be time to start over. Get rid of these clowns and get people who actually give a shit.

I'm so fucking lonely. I've got nothing. I've got music, I've got a dream. A dream that is, as always, barely hanging on.

I wish I could just quit. I wish this was over. I'm always tired. I wish I could rest. I wish I was just dead. I'll never have friends. I'll never have someone that fucking loves me. I don't even love myself. It's painful to be alive, and to be reminded that I still don't know if I'm going to prison (Kuwait) or not. I can't sleep with the anxiety that I could be in the Middle East holding a gun. Fuck the Navy. I hate the Navy. I hate the entire organization.

I just don't understand how you can be a part of an organization that ENCOURAGES you to be honest to your "chain of command" (aka scumbag pieces of shit that just happened to be in the Navy longer than you) and when you are, when you HONESTLY tell them you feel suicidal in uniform, THEY DO NOTHING. I told them this 3 months before I was deployed to Kuwait. At the time I spoke these words, I told my Chief, "I can't wait to get out. Putting on this uniform makes me feel suicidal and worthless. I want to kill myself. I hate my life, I hate the way I look, it reminds me that once I was another useless face that meant nothing." Not only did he do NOTHING about this, one of the guys in my unit heard me say this and started calling me "suicidal Freddy!"

So 3 months later, when I was supposed to be out, they decided to deploy me to Kuwait. Of all fucking people. WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I HATE THE FUCKING NAVY! This is why people come back depressed, because you pieces of shit are only worried about paper work, making sure everyone is okay, and "ready to deploy" because it makes you look better you soulless fuck. I hope my chief burns in hell. I hate my fucking CO, I hate all the scumbags that resulted in this happening to me. I can't sleep at night. I feel like I should kill myself and make a fucking HUGE scene out of it just to spite these people. I should send letters to every congressman, every senator, every news outlet and say "I TOLD THE PEOPLE IN MY CHAIN OF COMMAND THAT I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF!" The only reason I was able to make it through was the hope that JULY was my last month, and my contract was over. That's when they told me I'm going to Kuwait.

If they send me, and give me a gun, I will shoot myself. I will do it and make sure I throw everyone under the bus on my way out. AND BY THAT, I do not mean that threatening. I mean that I will make sure everybody in the world knows that I confided to my chief, my CO, that I hated myself, and that I was depressed/suicidal while I was wearing uniform, and they kept me, deployable. They did nothing to avert what happened. I just don't get how you can treat someone like this.

I remember when I was depressed on active duty, how worthless I was. I never showered, I never came out of my room, I never did anything. I had a gun next to me once and all I kept thinking to myself was "dude, this can all be over right now. You can finally rest." and I stopped myself. This was a day before I had the panic attack that led to me being stripped of my weapons.

I just don't get it. I don't get how I can talk to a psych who recommends Prozac/Zoloft, and they still send me. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it.

And unless you've been in these shoes, don't judge. Don't comment. Don't think. You can't speak until you've walked a mile. Because I heard this one cunt say "I hate soldiers that run away from deployment! Dude, you signed a contract, live up to it!" WELL I SIGNED A FUCKING CONTRACT that said 4 years, followed by 4 years inactive RESERVES! On my 4th year, my unit told me YOURE GOING OVERSEAS! THAT'S NOT FUCKING INACTIVE!

Fuck the god damn military, I hate it. I will never shoot anyone but myself. I will never use a gun on a human being. I do not want to be in the position the fucking scumbag military puts us in, followed by the magnifying glass the piece of shit media places over our fucking heads. Shoot someone, protect your country, and they'll look to send your ass to jail. FUCK YOU, I'm already telling you I'm not in the mental state to fucking do this, and yet, you still want to send me? FUCK YOu"

Source: http://freddyboyz.blogspot.com/