I'm just so down, I don't know if I can get back up

"I'm six years into what I fear is a dead end relationship. He says he will be proposing soon, but he's been saying that for a year now.

I was diagnosed with a serious condition - PCOS - that explains why I'm so fat even though I don't eat much, why I'm tired all the time, and why I don't have periods regularly. I had a cyst burst this spring which was excruciating. I was told that if I want to have children myself, I should start right now.

On top of all that, in the last year, I've had several close relatives die, my house flooded and I lost 75% of my earthly possessions, and my home was broken into and I had about 1,000USD worth stolen.

So now I'm drowning in medical bills, I've been rebuilding my possessions, and I'm in a lease with someone who probably won't ever actually commit to me. And I've wasted the last six years of my life waiting to marry and build a family with someone who likely never will. And I'm pretty sure I'm too fat to attract a new mate to marry and impregnate me. But each day that passes is another day taking me closer to infertility.

Also, I live 600 miles from my friends and family, my parents don't have anything to do with me, and I've had an incredibly hard time making friends. This is exacerbated by the fact that, because of my pcos, if I do anything with my evenings, I'm too tired to go to work the next day because my condition leaves me incredibly energy deficient by storing all food I eat as fat instead of turning it into energy to live. The last time I went out with friends, I had dinner and then went to a pub, where I didn't have alcohol. I was out until 9. The next day I had a migraine and had to come home from work.

So that's it. I'm broke, lonely, in a dead end relationship, quickly becoming infertile, fat, tired, and have been metaphorically anally raped by life so much that I seriously have no idea why I keep going. I've lost hope.

I was in counseling in college for depression, and chose psychotherapy and learning coping skills over medication. I've been able to get by with those techniques for a few years now, but I've reached the point that they just flat out don't work. I'm tired of my life. I honestly don't know if I will ever get what I want out of life - a family. And it's all my fault. I made the choices that got me here (except the illness thing - I've been seeking medical help for that for 12 years now, and only recently got any answers). But I don't see how hard work or good planning can gt me "out" of this.

I'm just so down, I don't know if I can get back up."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9rviz/so_down_i_dont_know_if_i_can_get_back_up/