I don’t see any relief in sight, just don’t. I guess I should just do it.

"I have a beautiful baby and I can do nothing for him. I have no money and am dependent on my mother because I have to take care of her full time. My boyfriend aka baby daddy goes to school but has never had a job and in his free time plays video games or sleeps, occasionally helping me with chores when I demand it but usually not. I have no other family except a crazy sister who won’t talk to me and one cousin down south. I am on food stamps and Medicaid. I have a checkered work history because I was in competitive nyc and then I had to leave to take care of my dying dad in pennsylvania. I have never been able to earn a living since. I am a certified teacher but it just seems like no matter how hard I try or how good I behave in this world, nothing good happens to me except my son, and even he is constrained by my situation. The other night I played cello for some rich people’s fundraiser and no one so much as offered me has money. I have about 200 dollars in the bank. I talked to my friend today who is the chief Esthetician for a Robert de niro hotel and told me he was offered a project (mind you,one he could do WHILE he has his other job) of planning a new spa in philadelphia and he turned it down because 125k is not enough money. He told me he massages Jennifer aniston for 400 bucks an hour and she makes 25 million dollars a movie. Meanwhile I am considering a job at kfc. I asked him if he could help me get my kid a job modeling and he practically laughed at me, saying there isn’t much work. That just isn’t true, he knows lots of people and can get him to meet someone important. This guy is someone I met 15 years ago before he even had his massage license. People I have a degree from columbia, and so does obama, but so did the unabomber, didn’t he?! I don’t want to do violent things to other people but my life is so unfulfilling and worthless and I have no money. I barely have gas money. My relationship is also degrading. I am aware of all the advantages I had in life which I cannot provide my son. I fear for him. He is brilliant and beautiful. I am wary of society at all. People are so fake. Nothing ever works out for me. Why can’t I have some sense of purpose and enjoyment out of life? What can I do to make my life meaningful? Its somewhat therapeutic to write this and I feel a little less suicidal but I am still wondering if I should go ahead and do it. I am becoming less and less capable of doing anything at all in life, I put on even MORE weight after pregnancy, and I am kinda really fat now. Its a struggle to do anything. I have no family and no religion because religion is for ignorant self deluders, and if you try to tell me otherwise I will report you, because I consider you highly offensive and insulting my intelligence if you suggest I should worship some mythical figure.
I don’t see any relief in sight, just don’t. I guess I should just do it."

Source: http://philadelphia10.cityspur.com/2009/10/02/why-do-i-want-to-kill-myself/