I just want to die...but I don't wanna be the one to do it

"When I was pregnant, I was talked to by my gynie guy's nurses about my history, as it all should be. I explained to them when I was 14 I became depressed, self-mutilated and attempted suicide twice (must not have really been attempts because neither landed me in the hospital).

They told me that with my history I would, at an almost 100% chance, have postpartum depression and that they would make sure to find out how I was feeling at all my postpartum check-ups.

So, I have my daughter on February 13, 2009. I'm fine in the hospital, I'm fine while staying with my mother. Hell, I'm even fine at home by myself with the baby. Then May comes, along with a doctor's visit. I feel SO horrible and SO depressed that I'm not a good enough mother and my money is disappearing and virtually gone and I haven't even really had to pay for a sitter yet. Her dad's only around when convenient and I just can't shake this feeling she'd be better off without me. He tells me I can't take antidepressants but I was not to give up pop since it may be the only thing keeping me from being seriously depressed. I wasn't suicidal then I just didn't know how I was going to make it and pull through. But I did.

Then October comes, and I found out they're closing my site and moving it to another state and now I'm going to be jobless come May. Despite all this being terrible luck, I'm still okay.

In July, I had found out my aunt and uncle were planning on moving to Nebraska. I lived with/near them just about my whole life. And they were leaving, taking my cousins (who are more like sisters to me anyways) with them. But they finally made it seriously official, with an official date, in December. They were going to be leaving on my daughter's first birthday and miss her birthday party. This upset me.

Now I'm going to stop here before you think all this led to my current situation. It doesn't. All this just made the situation worse, but as you can see in the beginning, it's not the cause.

For the past two months, I've been overwhelmed. Crying at the drop of a hat, which has scared SO many people because I am not that type of person. Some days are better than others and on my best days I can appear to be functioning like everyone around me. Other days, they ask why I'm so quiet or what's wrong.

Last Wednesday, I cut again. I haven't since, but that's the first time since July 2007. I wanted to die so badly on Wednesday that I really felt at any point in time I could just drop dead and then maybe I could finally be happy. Now...I wouldn't really say I'm suicidal. I would say I wish for death. For me to say I'm suicidal would imply that I want to or feel I need to kill myself. That's not the case. I just want to die...but I don't wanna be the one to do it.

Since I'm in the job transition, I'm starting a new job soon and plan on getting professional help as soon as my insurance kicks in. I just had to get this off my chest now.

Have you experienced postpartum depression? How did you treat the depression? At what point is it not postpartum depression?"

Source: http://www.momaroo.com/723317591/at-what-point-is-it-not-postpartum/