Maybe I’ll just kill myself

"I think I have depression.

This isn’t something I’ve really thought seriously about before. I’ve always been treated like someone who’s in a bad mood or whatever, so I’ve always thought about myself as being ‘normal’ but at the same time someone who’s failing. A normal person who’s failing.

But, I can’t be normal. I can’t see how everyone else is just like me and can just brush everything to one side and be happy.

I’m rarely happy. A few things will momentarily make me very happy, but most of the time I’m not that way. Most of the time I’m not even sad… more… empty.

The old I get the more I find I just don’t care about anything. Social conventions, being popular, making an effort, eating properly, keeping clean, having a relationship, working hard… it’s all such a struggle because I just don’t care about any of it.

I used to. Or I thought I did. But now I could care less. I just want to pack up a laptop and some clothes and I want to run away from my life and just move to another country. Until my visitor via runs out, then I’d just go somewhere else.

As it is, I can’t do this. Not because of money - I work from home and I could go anywhere.

But because somehow I’ve gotten myself into the situation where I’m five months from getting married and my soon-to-be-wife is too ill, and seems to love me too much, to cope with me leaving.

I don’t feel much any more, but one emotion I can’t escape is guilt. And I don’t have the energy to actually end things and have to go through all the stress and guilt that comes with breaking up with someone. I’ve done it before, with my ex who I left to be with my current fiance, and I’ve not been the same since.

So, I’m stuck. I’m heading loveless into a marriage that I’m already switched off from, hoping that each day will be the one that brings to me the solution to end all my troubles, because I’m too depressed to work things out myself.

I just want to be free. I don’t want anyone any more. I want to be by myself. All my life I’ve been conditioned by the world around me to find love, find a soul mate, have kids, get married, make the marriage work… fuck all of that. Who fucking cares? All people do is hold you back, get you down or break your heart. No one can ever be happy when they put faith in someone else. You can only trust yourself.

It’s a pity I couldn’t have worked this out 12 years ago before embarking on a string of relationships that I thought I wanted, but, actually, when I think outside the box, I really don’t.

So am I depressed? If I had the time to work things out, would I be able to want to be in love again and have someone? Or do I have everything worked out right now?

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just kill myself."

Source: http://confessions.grouphug.us/confessions/950331498