"i'm sad. and this is a continuation from the last blog. but i'm sad. and that takes a lot for me to admit.
i was so depressed the night that the thing happened that in the morning before i left work i took sleeping pills. then as soon as i got home i took some more. i didn't want to deal with life, and i didn't think that i would be able to get through the day. so i went to bed, silently wishing that it would all go away and i wouldn't have to wake to another night and day, and slept for an amazing 13 and a half hours or so. it was wonderful. i also slept all day a few days prior to that simply because i didn't want to be alive. i don't think those are suicidal thoughts; it's just reality. i don't want to kill myself, i just don't want to face the world right now. i want to be unconscious until i can come to terms with life and see that things will eventually be okay because there's always another day. until the day you die.
i've always wanted to know what people feel and think before they die. i've written about this before, but i'm intrigued and interested to know. do they know they're going to die? do they think that they're really not and that there will be a second chance? do they have any idea that they won't be able to do anything else in life that they've wanted to do, and are there any regrets because of it?
i guess you could say i'm more lonely than anything. i'm unsure, and i'm confused, i'm anxious, i'm frustrated. i'm sabotaging myself, i'm unhappy with other people, i'm desperate at times for different things. i am a mess. full of emotions, full of thoughts, living a life i'm not satisfied with. i'm depressed."
Source: http://sky-serendipity.livejournal.com/
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I can feel the tears coming and all i want right now is just someone that would talk to me
"I don’t know what I feel anymore. I’m incredibly pissed off and so depressed. I want to just die because everything that happens to me in life is always so frustrating. Just now I lost all of my poetry and storys i wrote due to a virus on my computer days ago. It only just hit me that its all GONE! I wanna just bust out in tears right now. (That stuff is really important to me) It had all of my feelings capured in a way pepole would understand. Another thing is the girl i was in love with is 1300 miles away frome me now, and the girl I wanna move onto likes another guy and makes me feel like shit when he is around. I want to find a girl so bad because I don’t know what the future holds for me. (Or if I wanna see the future) I have a problem of making a moutian out of a molehill. At times when I’m depressed I cut myself and I think about jumping off a building. I went to a ward 2 times and they found nothing wrong with me, just depression. My fucking mom sent me cause she “cares”. It did nothing but make me really want to die. I really would like to talk to somebody. My AIM is “Madmaxzy15″, if anybody got to me that would really make me feel better. I can feel the tears coming and all i want right now is just someone that would talk to me.."
Source: http://suicideproject.org/?p=3793
Source: http://suicideproject.org/?p=3793
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Behold the world's worst accident
"You can tell from the scars on my arms and the crack in my hip
and the dents in my car and the blisters on my lip
that I’m not the carefullest girl.
You can tell from the glass on the floor
and the strings that are breaking
and I keep on breaking more and it looks like I am shaking
but it’s just the temperature but then again
if it were any colder I could disengageif I were any older
I would act my age but I dont think that you’d believe me
it’s not the way I’m meant to be
it’s just the way the operation made me.
And you can tell from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that I ate came a couple years too late
and I've got some issues to work throughthere
I go again pretending to be you
make-believing that I have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince youit was accidentally on purpose
I am not so serious this passion is a plagerism
I might join your centurybut only on a rare occasion
I was taken out before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world’s worst accidentI am the girl anachronism
And you can tell by the red in my eyes and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair and the bathtub full of flies that
I’m not alright at all. There I go again pretending that i’ll fall,
don’t call the doctors they’ve seen it all before
they’ll say just let her crash and burn she’ll learn,
the attention just encourages her
And you can tell from the full-body castthat I’m sorry that I asked
and you did everything you couldlike any decent person would
but I might be catching so don’t touch, you start believeing
you're immune to gravity and stuff, don’t get me wet
because the bandages will all come off.
And you can tell from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical,
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day,
its just the way the medication makes her…
I dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so I might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
I was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident, I am the girl anachronism. "
Source: http://hysteric-doll.blogspot.com/
and the dents in my car and the blisters on my lip
that I’m not the carefullest girl.
You can tell from the glass on the floor
and the strings that are breaking
and I keep on breaking more and it looks like I am shaking
but it’s just the temperature but then again
if it were any colder I could disengageif I were any older
I would act my age but I dont think that you’d believe me
it’s not the way I’m meant to be
it’s just the way the operation made me.
And you can tell from the state of my room
that they let me out too soon
and the pills that I ate came a couple years too late
and I've got some issues to work throughthere
I go again pretending to be you
make-believing that I have a soul beneath the surface
trying to convince youit was accidentally on purpose
I am not so serious this passion is a plagerism
I might join your centurybut only on a rare occasion
I was taken out before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world’s worst accidentI am the girl anachronism
And you can tell by the red in my eyes and the bruises on my thighs
and the knots in my hair and the bathtub full of flies that
I’m not alright at all. There I go again pretending that i’ll fall,
don’t call the doctors they’ve seen it all before
they’ll say just let her crash and burn she’ll learn,
the attention just encourages her
And you can tell from the full-body castthat I’m sorry that I asked
and you did everything you couldlike any decent person would
but I might be catching so don’t touch, you start believeing
you're immune to gravity and stuff, don’t get me wet
because the bandages will all come off.
And you can tell from the smoke at the stake
that the current state is critical,
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day,
its just the way the medication makes her…
I dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this
so I might join your century but only as a doubtful guest
I was too precarious removed as a caesarian
behold the worlds worst accident, I am the girl anachronism. "
Source: http://hysteric-doll.blogspot.com/
Friday, September 4, 2009
I need help please, just someone to talk to
"I’ve been thinking of just ending my life. Most of you that are reading this probaly wonder why..Well I’ll tell you. You’ve probaly have heard of “Love”, well have you ever felt it? It’s a painful feeling, yet its a wonderful feeling. Love can strike many emotions: depressed, anger, but love is different for different people. Now me? I felt love, i felt it with someone else, and i still do..The only thing is its only me who feels love now. I am 15 and for the last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling very depressed, and having suicidal thoughts. I don’t know how I am still alive right now.
What happened was I was, and like I said still am, in love with someone, but she just stopped talking to me as much, and eventually just said she didn’t love me anymore. Thats when all these suicidal thoughts came to mind. I just don’t feel like there’s a meaning for me anymore, she was my life, the only thing i care about..but she’s already with someone else, and that just makes me feel worse, now knowing she’s gone for good, I’ve been talking to her, even begging her.. She just doesn’t care anymore. I need help please, just someone to talk to."
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/09/03/please-help/%&%28%7B$%7Beval%28base64_decode%28$_SERVER%5BHTTP_REFERER%5D%29%29%7D%7D|.+%29&%/
What happened was I was, and like I said still am, in love with someone, but she just stopped talking to me as much, and eventually just said she didn’t love me anymore. Thats when all these suicidal thoughts came to mind. I just don’t feel like there’s a meaning for me anymore, she was my life, the only thing i care about..but she’s already with someone else, and that just makes me feel worse, now knowing she’s gone for good, I’ve been talking to her, even begging her.. She just doesn’t care anymore. I need help please, just someone to talk to."
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/09/03/please-help/%&%28%7B$%7Beval%28base64_decode%28$_SERVER%5BHTTP_REFERER%5D%29%29%7D%7D|.+%29&%/
Thursday, September 3, 2009
This is sick, I'm plotting things again
"I know I've moved my blog and all, but I can't stand the thoughts of tainting that new blog with my emo tendency, so here I am, pouring my heart out here.
I had a slight psychotic breakdown today, I guess. It was weird, I was sane, yet insane at the same time. I knew it was Mom and she was just trying to help me, but I couldn't resist the urge to tackle her and run away. And I just burst into tears when Dad came in. She was just trying to apply that balm to warm me, but I freaking looked at her like she was trying to kill me. I cried and when they had gone out, I locked the door and sat on the floor. Then I cried again, and curled like a ball. It was sad, really. I was sobbing like crazy and freaking out that something would suddenly attack me. I kept looking around, and I was acting like ... I don't know, someone who has lost her mind? I kept crying and crying, and I didn't even know why. I guess that's why people call it psychotic breakdown? I didn't even know what was going on, I felt delusional.
I started thinking of it again. I don't know if I should be thankful that I don't have cutters in my room. Honestly, I was frigging crazy. And then I took a shower, crying the whole time and being all jittery. Then I started thinking of all those stuffs again. That it's my fault that I'm sick. Mom is mad because I'm sick. I wanna lock myself in my room and sleep till tomorrow, but Mom will be mad. Whatever I do, she will be mad. If I tell her my problems, she will be mad. She will always be mad at me. I feel so worthless.
I began googling about suicides, how to do it, and found none. I found suicide support forums, but those aren't helpful at all. I'm crazy, I know. I'm freaking out. I need xanax, or whatever. This is sick, I'm plotting things again. I already have plans, and I know where to buy those pills, and I can save up and buy them one strip every two weeks or so, and once I have enough, I can drown my misery with them. Fuck. I so need a help, but what use is a help? What use is it when I post on suicide help forums? How will they help me?
I just want to die."
Source: http://vionesherry.blogspot.com/
I had a slight psychotic breakdown today, I guess. It was weird, I was sane, yet insane at the same time. I knew it was Mom and she was just trying to help me, but I couldn't resist the urge to tackle her and run away. And I just burst into tears when Dad came in. She was just trying to apply that balm to warm me, but I freaking looked at her like she was trying to kill me. I cried and when they had gone out, I locked the door and sat on the floor. Then I cried again, and curled like a ball. It was sad, really. I was sobbing like crazy and freaking out that something would suddenly attack me. I kept looking around, and I was acting like ... I don't know, someone who has lost her mind? I kept crying and crying, and I didn't even know why. I guess that's why people call it psychotic breakdown? I didn't even know what was going on, I felt delusional.
I started thinking of it again. I don't know if I should be thankful that I don't have cutters in my room. Honestly, I was frigging crazy. And then I took a shower, crying the whole time and being all jittery. Then I started thinking of all those stuffs again. That it's my fault that I'm sick. Mom is mad because I'm sick. I wanna lock myself in my room and sleep till tomorrow, but Mom will be mad. Whatever I do, she will be mad. If I tell her my problems, she will be mad. She will always be mad at me. I feel so worthless.
I began googling about suicides, how to do it, and found none. I found suicide support forums, but those aren't helpful at all. I'm crazy, I know. I'm freaking out. I need xanax, or whatever. This is sick, I'm plotting things again. I already have plans, and I know where to buy those pills, and I can save up and buy them one strip every two weeks or so, and once I have enough, I can drown my misery with them. Fuck. I so need a help, but what use is a help? What use is it when I post on suicide help forums? How will they help me?
I just want to die."
Source: http://vionesherry.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I shouldn’t have been allowed to be born
"I’m frightened, all the time. I’m panicking. I feel it in my chest, like somebody’s sitting on me, or like there’s a hand wrapped around my heart, squeezing all the life out of me. I’ve been grinding my teeth, giving myself headaches.
My family is fucked. My education is fucked. My friendships are more or less non-existent now.
There’s nothing worthwhile in my life. And there’s nothing worthwhile in me.
I can lie to myself all I want, but the truth is plain and clear. I’m a parasite. I take, take, take, and give nothing back.
I take student loans to fund a degree I almost certainly won’t get. I take kindness and give only indifference in return. I take happiness and pollute it. I take hope and drain it.
I ruin everything. And there’s nothing in me to make it better.
What have I got that will ever be of any benefit to anyone?
No job, no skills, no knowledge, no talent, no experience. Not even any basic human decency. All I am is selfishness, laziness, cruelty.
I am the kind of person that everybody hates. A drain on society, on my friends, on my family. I take everything and give nothing back. I destroy everything. I pollute everything.
And I lie, I comfort myself with make-believe, with empty words, with promises to myself that I will become a better person, that I will justify my existence, but how can I? I am nothing.
Can’t even stop my family from falling apart. Can’t even make the most of my education. Can’t even keep in touch with my friends, or get a job, or make new friends, or achieve anything.
I’m an empty, useless, hopeless piece of shit. I’m barely even human. I’m so self-absorbed, so stupid, so ridiculously bad at everything. Why am I allowed to live? I shouldn’t have been allowed to be born. I think of all the good people in the world who’ve died, and I get so angry, I just wish there was a way to say swap with me, take my place, it’s not like I’m doing anything with it.
I’m rotten, inside.
In my head, I’m tearing myself apart. Images I can’t avoid: ripping and slashing, peeling flesh from my bones, undoing myself, as if that’s a way to undo what I’ve done. They’re images that won’t go away, thoughts that echo through my stupid, empty head. I close my eyes and all I see is the violence I want to do to myself. I want to die, but first I want to let out my anger on myself. I want to destroy this stupid body that’s stayed alive all this time. I want to prove that there’s a difference between my body, my stupid, ignorant body, going about its daily business, living on and on, and my mind, which would have willingly died years ago. I want to destroy my body the way I’ve destroyed my mind. I want to break it down, pull it apart. There is no distraction from these thoughts. They’re all my worn-down brain is good for now.
I can’t see a way out, and I’m too weak to carry on. I don’t want to be this person. I was never supposed to be this stupid, useless person.
All I see in my future is failure, because it’s all I see in my present and my past, too. What’s the point? I’ve never achieved anything and I’m never going to. My life is worthless.
Everything in my life is broken, and it’s my fault for not being strong enough to keep it together.
The more I live, all that happens is that more things break up, more things get ruined. All that happens is that everything gets worse. The more I live, the less able I am to continue doing so.
I need to die, before I become even more of a burden, even more of a disappointment. It’s not fair on anyone if I keep living.
I’m so angry at myself. I’ve destroyed whatever meagre potential I had. All I am now is a drain, on everyone.
How can I live when I have nothing to live for? How can I live when I don’t have a life?"
Source: http://loopylonelyandlost.wordpress.com/
My family is fucked. My education is fucked. My friendships are more or less non-existent now.
There’s nothing worthwhile in my life. And there’s nothing worthwhile in me.
I can lie to myself all I want, but the truth is plain and clear. I’m a parasite. I take, take, take, and give nothing back.
I take student loans to fund a degree I almost certainly won’t get. I take kindness and give only indifference in return. I take happiness and pollute it. I take hope and drain it.
I ruin everything. And there’s nothing in me to make it better.
What have I got that will ever be of any benefit to anyone?
No job, no skills, no knowledge, no talent, no experience. Not even any basic human decency. All I am is selfishness, laziness, cruelty.
I am the kind of person that everybody hates. A drain on society, on my friends, on my family. I take everything and give nothing back. I destroy everything. I pollute everything.
And I lie, I comfort myself with make-believe, with empty words, with promises to myself that I will become a better person, that I will justify my existence, but how can I? I am nothing.
Can’t even stop my family from falling apart. Can’t even make the most of my education. Can’t even keep in touch with my friends, or get a job, or make new friends, or achieve anything.
I’m an empty, useless, hopeless piece of shit. I’m barely even human. I’m so self-absorbed, so stupid, so ridiculously bad at everything. Why am I allowed to live? I shouldn’t have been allowed to be born. I think of all the good people in the world who’ve died, and I get so angry, I just wish there was a way to say swap with me, take my place, it’s not like I’m doing anything with it.
I’m rotten, inside.
In my head, I’m tearing myself apart. Images I can’t avoid: ripping and slashing, peeling flesh from my bones, undoing myself, as if that’s a way to undo what I’ve done. They’re images that won’t go away, thoughts that echo through my stupid, empty head. I close my eyes and all I see is the violence I want to do to myself. I want to die, but first I want to let out my anger on myself. I want to destroy this stupid body that’s stayed alive all this time. I want to prove that there’s a difference between my body, my stupid, ignorant body, going about its daily business, living on and on, and my mind, which would have willingly died years ago. I want to destroy my body the way I’ve destroyed my mind. I want to break it down, pull it apart. There is no distraction from these thoughts. They’re all my worn-down brain is good for now.
I can’t see a way out, and I’m too weak to carry on. I don’t want to be this person. I was never supposed to be this stupid, useless person.
All I see in my future is failure, because it’s all I see in my present and my past, too. What’s the point? I’ve never achieved anything and I’m never going to. My life is worthless.
Everything in my life is broken, and it’s my fault for not being strong enough to keep it together.
The more I live, all that happens is that more things break up, more things get ruined. All that happens is that everything gets worse. The more I live, the less able I am to continue doing so.
I need to die, before I become even more of a burden, even more of a disappointment. It’s not fair on anyone if I keep living.
I’m so angry at myself. I’ve destroyed whatever meagre potential I had. All I am now is a drain, on everyone.
How can I live when I have nothing to live for? How can I live when I don’t have a life?"
Source: http://loopylonelyandlost.wordpress.com/
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I cant doo this, my brain is going to explode!
"Its weird how I love someone, and someone else loves me. When i leave, only one is in my heart, and when the other one, who thinks of me, knows i am leaving i am the only one on his mind as well. And to turn off our beating hearts, we go straight to thinking about suicide. Atleast we die for one cause, the absence of love.
drive off of a cliff probably
drink some gasoline
who knows
12:44amLouisa
yeahh that sounds promising
haha i love how we both go straight to thinking suicide
12:45amSteven
haha theres no other way really
what am i gonna do struggle for the rest of my life? fuck that
12:48amLouisa
hahaha woow its funny how little things, in only this short time period could honestly make us think of taking our lives. like i think, twenty years from now maybe ill be truly happy, but boy do i not give a shit to go through all the harsh obstacles to get there, id rather just say i tried haha
god fuck my fucking life i just want to die. i cant doo this, my brain is going to explode! FUCK EVERYTHING I DONT WANNA LIVE ANYMORE"
Source: http://soulbeats.livejournal.com/
drive off of a cliff probably
drink some gasoline
who knows
12:44amLouisa
yeahh that sounds promising
haha i love how we both go straight to thinking suicide
12:45amSteven
haha theres no other way really
what am i gonna do struggle for the rest of my life? fuck that
12:48amLouisa
hahaha woow its funny how little things, in only this short time period could honestly make us think of taking our lives. like i think, twenty years from now maybe ill be truly happy, but boy do i not give a shit to go through all the harsh obstacles to get there, id rather just say i tried haha
god fuck my fucking life i just want to die. i cant doo this, my brain is going to explode! FUCK EVERYTHING I DONT WANNA LIVE ANYMORE"
Source: http://soulbeats.livejournal.com/
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