"My husband and I are separated. I have two small children. They constantly need my love and attention. I'm a college student and I'm pretty busy with that.
Well, as each day end, I feel worst. I go to bed crying. I barely pay any attention to my children because I'm lifeless. Every time I think about my husband I cry and cry. I can't do my homework because a million thoughts are racing through my head. Basically, I feel like I'm lifeless. I have many thoughts of just letting the pain go. I keep telling myself that I need to be strong for my children. I need to get up and read to them like used too. Play them, teach them something. Instead, I just sit there staring into space. I feel so horrible just doing that to them. I can barely eat, sleep, or get up to do something. This is could be the worst part; I feel like hurting myself.
I have no one to speak too. My parents are controlling and they would just lecture me. I can't speak to family because they would just go tell my parents. I can't speak to my husband because he already thinks I'm crazy. I really don't have any friends. And, the friends who I do have, probably wouldn't even listen.
I was wondering is there any good forums? Or, people who may listen to me? Of course, I would return the favor. I suppose that I'm looking for a friend. Can anyone offer any advice to me. I need to get my life straighten out for my children and my husband. Hopefully, no one will look down at me. Thank you for listening."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9fnd1/i_have_reached_a_deep_end_and_i_dont_know_how_i/
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I just don't want to live to see the next sunrise
"I did what I felt like doing.
Not deep enough though
obviously...
Today I feel worse than ever...I was feeling better earlier....But someone ruined it
and I feel like it's official. I really can't handle everything anymore...
I can't handle people fucking with me, I can't handle loosing someone else, I can't handle all of this pain.
I can't handle anything anymore and I just wish my life would just....stop.
It never stops and It won't go away. What do I have left? What will I become? nothing
I'm a failure and I'm worthless.
Is this why it's so easy for people to pick me to fuck around with? to fuck with my mind? treat me like shit?
I just don't want to live to see the next sunrise."
Source: http://rayn-bowh-luvr.livejournal.com/
Not deep enough though
obviously...
Today I feel worse than ever...I was feeling better earlier....But someone ruined it
and I feel like it's official. I really can't handle everything anymore...
I can't handle people fucking with me, I can't handle loosing someone else, I can't handle all of this pain.
I can't handle anything anymore and I just wish my life would just....stop.
It never stops and It won't go away. What do I have left? What will I become? nothing
I'm a failure and I'm worthless.
Is this why it's so easy for people to pick me to fuck around with? to fuck with my mind? treat me like shit?
I just don't want to live to see the next sunrise."
Source: http://rayn-bowh-luvr.livejournal.com/
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I’m just watching as life passes me by - this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death
"I don’t want this post to make to just irritate you
I don’t want it to make me seem like a hypochondriac
But really in the end I don’t care what it seems
No one will really understand or care
I’m writing this for myself, for no one else
Although it won’t even help me
It just seems necessary right now
And everyone likes to complain sometimes
It’s easier here and it’ll be less of a burden to anyone
This is for me
So, a day for me isn’t anything special. They are all the same, and they are just steps leading to your death. None of it means anything, none of its important.
I have lost touch with absolutely everything and everyone.
I’m so detached, mostly from myself.
Music is the ONLY thing keeping me alive at this point, I don’t go an hour without listening to it, if I’m not listening to it I’m subconsciously tapping something and thinking about music or it’s playing in my head.
For the record- new wave, pop, recent rap, etc don’t even qualify as music, if you listen to that you know nothing. Simple as that.
Most of the time I’m just sitting around and having ‘out-of-body experiences’ meaning I’m completely dissociative.
I hardly know when I’m breathing it sounds like someone else, everything feels… off.
Everything sounds, smells, tastes, looks just off.
I’m just waiting to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I couldn’t be more sure I am schizophrenic but meds would be nice.
Although being able to live like a happy person without chemically altering my blood would be nice. But that’s not an option for me.
I’m depressive as hell, seem to have insomnia or that may be part of the schizophrenia and depression mostly because I just lay with horrible negative thoughts that seem like they may start just spilling out of my head and hallucinating like I’m having a bad drug experience. I don’t remember anything, because when something happens I don’t experience, I can’t live. I'm always so consumed with thought in my head or blankly staring at something and I may as well be in a different world. I’m never really here.
I feel as though I live in a completely alternate universe, I’m like an alien.
Nothing means a thing anymore, I have no care in this world.
Yet I manage to detest everything about it, everything about myself.
I am so fucking fed up.
Every time I have a conversation, I feel that every word that escapes my mouth is judged and misunderstood, so I hardly talk. Nothing good will come from it anyways.
I’m just watching as life passes me by- this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death.
Humans think they own the earth which is ludicrous and not at all right. But you know what, I don’t give a fuck, I guess considering we’re the most cruel and selfish species, we managed to overrun the rest and control and ruin their lives. We seem to think everything was put on this earth for us- but maybe we were just put here to destroy all of it. Whatever the case- survival of the fittest, only the strong ones should survive.
And animals kill eachother all the time, why are we so restricted, why do we think murder so wrong. We’ve been convinced that all our natural instincts go against nature, which makes no fucking sense at all. The 7 deadly sins? Fuck that, they are our 7 living essentials. We are the stupidest species with the least amount of freedom.
I don’t know what normal human behaviour is anymore, everything I do or say I feel is out of the ordinary and will be noticed as strange. I can no longer fake it.
Every movement I do, and every one I don’t seems wrong now.
I feel, when I’m in public I’m trying mimic humans so I won’t be questioned.
EVERYTHING’S SO FUCKED!"
Source: http://constant-fugue-state.blogspot.com/2009/08/words-i-just-need-to-say.html
I don’t want it to make me seem like a hypochondriac
But really in the end I don’t care what it seems
No one will really understand or care
I’m writing this for myself, for no one else
Although it won’t even help me
It just seems necessary right now
And everyone likes to complain sometimes
It’s easier here and it’ll be less of a burden to anyone
This is for me
So, a day for me isn’t anything special. They are all the same, and they are just steps leading to your death. None of it means anything, none of its important.
I have lost touch with absolutely everything and everyone.
I’m so detached, mostly from myself.
Music is the ONLY thing keeping me alive at this point, I don’t go an hour without listening to it, if I’m not listening to it I’m subconsciously tapping something and thinking about music or it’s playing in my head.
For the record- new wave, pop, recent rap, etc don’t even qualify as music, if you listen to that you know nothing. Simple as that.
Most of the time I’m just sitting around and having ‘out-of-body experiences’ meaning I’m completely dissociative.
I hardly know when I’m breathing it sounds like someone else, everything feels… off.
Everything sounds, smells, tastes, looks just off.
I’m just waiting to be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I couldn’t be more sure I am schizophrenic but meds would be nice.
Although being able to live like a happy person without chemically altering my blood would be nice. But that’s not an option for me.
I’m depressive as hell, seem to have insomnia or that may be part of the schizophrenia and depression mostly because I just lay with horrible negative thoughts that seem like they may start just spilling out of my head and hallucinating like I’m having a bad drug experience. I don’t remember anything, because when something happens I don’t experience, I can’t live. I'm always so consumed with thought in my head or blankly staring at something and I may as well be in a different world. I’m never really here.
I feel as though I live in a completely alternate universe, I’m like an alien.
Nothing means a thing anymore, I have no care in this world.
Yet I manage to detest everything about it, everything about myself.
I am so fucking fed up.
Every time I have a conversation, I feel that every word that escapes my mouth is judged and misunderstood, so I hardly talk. Nothing good will come from it anyways.
I’m just watching as life passes me by- this worthless, meaningless and fucked up life I’ve been ‘granted’ when all I want is death.
Humans think they own the earth which is ludicrous and not at all right. But you know what, I don’t give a fuck, I guess considering we’re the most cruel and selfish species, we managed to overrun the rest and control and ruin their lives. We seem to think everything was put on this earth for us- but maybe we were just put here to destroy all of it. Whatever the case- survival of the fittest, only the strong ones should survive.
And animals kill eachother all the time, why are we so restricted, why do we think murder so wrong. We’ve been convinced that all our natural instincts go against nature, which makes no fucking sense at all. The 7 deadly sins? Fuck that, they are our 7 living essentials. We are the stupidest species with the least amount of freedom.
I don’t know what normal human behaviour is anymore, everything I do or say I feel is out of the ordinary and will be noticed as strange. I can no longer fake it.
Every movement I do, and every one I don’t seems wrong now.
I feel, when I’m in public I’m trying mimic humans so I won’t be questioned.
EVERYTHING’S SO FUCKED!"
Source: http://constant-fugue-state.blogspot.com/2009/08/words-i-just-need-to-say.html
The struggle continues
"I want to be sick. Right now, I want to throw up and it's all because of anxiety.
I spoke in my last post about what counselling had dug up - a heart, not even of glass, but of nothing. Now the counsellor said that the amount of skill and energy I devote to my anxiety shows that, in fact, I am at least a capable person. Building that core is going take time and I've only just started.
So, at the moment, I am trapped in anxiety hell.
First of all, I should make clear, some of this anxiety is rational, the consequences I create are not. It has a very specific focus at that moment but I've always been anxious around other people and feared them to a degree that is out of all proportion to any real threat.
This fear, of course, is much worse in cities simply because there are more people.
At the moment my focus is entirely on a group of kids who gather and play in our street; I would guess they range in age from six to 11. The rational part of my fear is that they are bad, nasty, naughty kids (or so I have convinced myself, maybe I am wrong and they're just mischievous and noisy). However, I know that they roam the streets till around 10pm or 11pm each night. I know their language is appalling, that they bully each other and fight terribly, that they throw rubbish wherever they feel like throwing it, including our garden and that a couple of them I've seen getting up to other stuff like throwing stones at people's doors. They run in and out of people's gardens, ride their bikes like lunatics up and down the pavements and basically show no consideration for anyone. Their only means of communication is screaming; which like everything else they get from their parents.
You'll see already what anxiety is doing to me. How much time I've wasted on these kids and what they do. And that's what it's doing to me - it's eating my life.
It's the consequences I create that are the reason that I am so upset by this. If they shout at me (as they have not, as they show no signs of doing) I believe I will be destroyed. It's hard to describe what I mean by destroyed beyond what it says on the tin - I will in some important way cease to exist. My mind races on to this conclusion without regard to logic or evidence, something like this: they will shout at me, I will shout back, they will follow me shouting this abuse, they will follow me home, I will be forced to confront them and say 'shut up' they will wait outside the house shouting this abuse and throwing stones at the door and window and what? And, blackness. I can't imagine anything or describe it as anything other than destruction, inside I know I mean running home to my parents, losing my relationship and any good I had done in my life, and a suicide attempt is likely.
I'm paranoid. I won't go in the front room without the blinds down. Whenever I go out - and it takes a while to get up the courage to do this - I scan for them everywhere. This is bringing me to their attention because I'm always looking at them and in my mind I believe they can sense my fear and will therefore see their prey. I go through an elaborate mental dance each time I have to walk past them - should I cross the road early, possibly showing fear, should I carry on and possibly invite words, should I try and say 'all right' to them in the vain hope they will like me (this pathetic craven belief has been with me for a long time; as a child I sought the approval of bullies in a desperate attempt to escape being their victim - the upshot, I made lots of crap friends.)
So, this is killing my life and endangering my recovery. I have no appetite and I often feel sick. I'm putting a lot of things off limits and I'm exhausted all the time for this expending constant nervous energy. It is upsetting Mrs CD and spoiling our relationship. I'm getting headaches. It takes me ages of psyching to get out of the house and when I do I stay out all day stopping me getting on with my volunteering on the computer, I shelter naturally in the pub and that's not a good thing.
But, I am fighting it. First of all, I have started repeating mantra-like to myself that I am strong and using the visualisation techniques I've been taught. I am forcing myself to do what I have to do. I am turning up radios and television in the house so I simply don't have to hear their noise. Today, I've gone cold turkey on caffeine, which is why I currently have a splitting headache.
It's hard and it's dangerous and it will take a long time. This helps. I have historically used alcohol to self-medicate for anxiety, but I've never really had it this badly - when I was drunk and living here I didn't notice them so much. It has got worse lately as two little groups have made friends and they gather round our neighbours' house.
I want a drink so badly and were I not on antabuse I would have had one by now. (I typed one, that's ridiculous, I would have drunk myself insensible).
The struggle continues. I have good times too, but they are getting increasingly fleeting. "
Source: http://drunkincardiff.blogspot.com/
I spoke in my last post about what counselling had dug up - a heart, not even of glass, but of nothing. Now the counsellor said that the amount of skill and energy I devote to my anxiety shows that, in fact, I am at least a capable person. Building that core is going take time and I've only just started.
So, at the moment, I am trapped in anxiety hell.
First of all, I should make clear, some of this anxiety is rational, the consequences I create are not. It has a very specific focus at that moment but I've always been anxious around other people and feared them to a degree that is out of all proportion to any real threat.
This fear, of course, is much worse in cities simply because there are more people.
At the moment my focus is entirely on a group of kids who gather and play in our street; I would guess they range in age from six to 11. The rational part of my fear is that they are bad, nasty, naughty kids (or so I have convinced myself, maybe I am wrong and they're just mischievous and noisy). However, I know that they roam the streets till around 10pm or 11pm each night. I know their language is appalling, that they bully each other and fight terribly, that they throw rubbish wherever they feel like throwing it, including our garden and that a couple of them I've seen getting up to other stuff like throwing stones at people's doors. They run in and out of people's gardens, ride their bikes like lunatics up and down the pavements and basically show no consideration for anyone. Their only means of communication is screaming; which like everything else they get from their parents.
You'll see already what anxiety is doing to me. How much time I've wasted on these kids and what they do. And that's what it's doing to me - it's eating my life.
It's the consequences I create that are the reason that I am so upset by this. If they shout at me (as they have not, as they show no signs of doing) I believe I will be destroyed. It's hard to describe what I mean by destroyed beyond what it says on the tin - I will in some important way cease to exist. My mind races on to this conclusion without regard to logic or evidence, something like this: they will shout at me, I will shout back, they will follow me shouting this abuse, they will follow me home, I will be forced to confront them and say 'shut up' they will wait outside the house shouting this abuse and throwing stones at the door and window and what? And, blackness. I can't imagine anything or describe it as anything other than destruction, inside I know I mean running home to my parents, losing my relationship and any good I had done in my life, and a suicide attempt is likely.
I'm paranoid. I won't go in the front room without the blinds down. Whenever I go out - and it takes a while to get up the courage to do this - I scan for them everywhere. This is bringing me to their attention because I'm always looking at them and in my mind I believe they can sense my fear and will therefore see their prey. I go through an elaborate mental dance each time I have to walk past them - should I cross the road early, possibly showing fear, should I carry on and possibly invite words, should I try and say 'all right' to them in the vain hope they will like me (this pathetic craven belief has been with me for a long time; as a child I sought the approval of bullies in a desperate attempt to escape being their victim - the upshot, I made lots of crap friends.)
So, this is killing my life and endangering my recovery. I have no appetite and I often feel sick. I'm putting a lot of things off limits and I'm exhausted all the time for this expending constant nervous energy. It is upsetting Mrs CD and spoiling our relationship. I'm getting headaches. It takes me ages of psyching to get out of the house and when I do I stay out all day stopping me getting on with my volunteering on the computer, I shelter naturally in the pub and that's not a good thing.
But, I am fighting it. First of all, I have started repeating mantra-like to myself that I am strong and using the visualisation techniques I've been taught. I am forcing myself to do what I have to do. I am turning up radios and television in the house so I simply don't have to hear their noise. Today, I've gone cold turkey on caffeine, which is why I currently have a splitting headache.
It's hard and it's dangerous and it will take a long time. This helps. I have historically used alcohol to self-medicate for anxiety, but I've never really had it this badly - when I was drunk and living here I didn't notice them so much. It has got worse lately as two little groups have made friends and they gather round our neighbours' house.
I want a drink so badly and were I not on antabuse I would have had one by now. (I typed one, that's ridiculous, I would have drunk myself insensible).
The struggle continues. I have good times too, but they are getting increasingly fleeting. "
Source: http://drunkincardiff.blogspot.com/
Friday, August 28, 2009
I have come to the conclusion that life isn't fun at all
"Hey Reddit I have come to the conclusion that life isn't fun at all. I'll start from the beginning I'm a math major at my local university and have spent the last 2 years studying math with no real idea what I'll do with it later in life. Around this time last year I started having problems sleeping, a lack of appetite and had thoughts of suicide. I went to the doctors and learned I have depression and got pills for it. All this was fine for my second year of university but then the summer rolled around the past summer I took some courses cause school is what I enjoy doing but this time I wanted to enjoy summer hang out with friends, play baseball, go on dates with girls I met at school. I noticed quickly I wasn't having much fun and that without studying I really didn't have anything to work towards. I also started having disturbing dreams and would wake up in the middle of the night because of this. I thought about all of this for a while and decided if the only enjoyment I can find in life is something as boring as mathematics then why continue living. I stopped taking my pills about a month ago and recently got a new prescription from my doctor so I have a good 60 or so saved up. My birthday is coming up in a few days it would seem fitting to live exactly 20 years it's a nice round number."
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9f7hv/life_just_isnt_all_that_interesting/
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9f7hv/life_just_isnt_all_that_interesting/
It is also sad but also great... it is sick but also good ... it is depressing but also a new beginning
"I am disgusting... but on the other hand I keep accusing the world of being disgusting... they are disgusting and nausious , foul and repellent but I am not ....what a fool. H. is such a fool. He is an idiot . He must be thrown off the cliff right now.... he deserves nothing but a slap in the face. That would hurt though, but I hate myself to such a degree. Lets say I don't appreciate pain. but I want to endmy life painlessly , something like a combination of three chemicals would be great , you just feel nothing but a sedative effect and then you cease to exist . Isn't that great. After the procedure it's all over and you don't have to suffer anymore . that is fantastic . It is also sad but also great... it sick but also good ... it is depressing but also a new beginning "
Source: http://monbijo.blogspot.com/
Source: http://monbijo.blogspot.com/
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Well that day has come and I shall not live
"DEATH is the only way out..
Well I quit cutting, quit sniffing..But I guess that wasn't the problem..You see when a demon or the devil, or a negative force has it cut out for you to just live in misery from the start..there is nothing you can do..I often felt as if I wanted to go back home, but now things that are happening on this earth are kind of forcing me to go back to where I can from..Dust..(On a physical level.) somewhere else maybe on another..
My twinflame is just not cooperating..Why won't my other half cooperate? I don't know, but it has caused me great pain. A world of no pain is a perfect worl dindeed, and if it aint that I can't live here. I am going to give God a few days to kill me, if not I will pray for him to take me away miraculously, if that doesn't work, then I will kill my own self. There is no need to be stuck here with such "gifts" and connections. Being lied to constantly by my twinflame is not my forte. To be a twinflame to a man that will take you to the fiery pits of hell and back just to insult you is not what I wanted. It is nothing I can handle. I can not handle immaturity, I can not enjoy my youth because I've seen too much to waste on what the youth enjoys doing. I can not act my age, but only older and wiser. The only thing is I'm too sensitive to handle all of this, and I will be leaving this world this year.
I want to say this.: To all of you who TRULY cared about me, which I feel were few to none at all, Thank you. I appreciated it and I'msorry for leaving you behind. Apparently you are mor stronger than I am. I used to say "Shall this day come, I could not live or should not live"..Well that day has come and I shall not live. I knew something bad was going to happen to me soon, but I am glad I got it out of the way sooner than before, or I would have had to stay here for a very long time.
So farewell, I have no idea if you will ever see me again. I am a Christian, but one who has seen too much and one who has been thru enough. It has been enough now..So I must go.
Peace,
and love to all..
(ME)"
Source: http://overthecounterdrugs.blogspot.com/
Well I quit cutting, quit sniffing..But I guess that wasn't the problem..You see when a demon or the devil, or a negative force has it cut out for you to just live in misery from the start..there is nothing you can do..I often felt as if I wanted to go back home, but now things that are happening on this earth are kind of forcing me to go back to where I can from..Dust..(On a physical level.) somewhere else maybe on another..
My twinflame is just not cooperating..Why won't my other half cooperate? I don't know, but it has caused me great pain. A world of no pain is a perfect worl dindeed, and if it aint that I can't live here. I am going to give God a few days to kill me, if not I will pray for him to take me away miraculously, if that doesn't work, then I will kill my own self. There is no need to be stuck here with such "gifts" and connections. Being lied to constantly by my twinflame is not my forte. To be a twinflame to a man that will take you to the fiery pits of hell and back just to insult you is not what I wanted. It is nothing I can handle. I can not handle immaturity, I can not enjoy my youth because I've seen too much to waste on what the youth enjoys doing. I can not act my age, but only older and wiser. The only thing is I'm too sensitive to handle all of this, and I will be leaving this world this year.
I want to say this.: To all of you who TRULY cared about me, which I feel were few to none at all, Thank you. I appreciated it and I'msorry for leaving you behind. Apparently you are mor stronger than I am. I used to say "Shall this day come, I could not live or should not live"..Well that day has come and I shall not live. I knew something bad was going to happen to me soon, but I am glad I got it out of the way sooner than before, or I would have had to stay here for a very long time.
So farewell, I have no idea if you will ever see me again. I am a Christian, but one who has seen too much and one who has been thru enough. It has been enough now..So I must go.
Peace,
and love to all..
(ME)"
Source: http://overthecounterdrugs.blogspot.com/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)