I just feel like life is just too much for me

"I'm not really sure where to start. This will all probably sound a bit rambly. I've always been a very sad and lonely person I suppose. All my life it's never taken much to make me feel bad. These last few years it feels like what's been required to make me feel bad has been getting smaller and smaller and the length and severity of the depression and anxiety that such things cause in me have been getting worse and worse.

About two years ago I tried to get help, my doctor perscribed me various medications and I went to see several different therapists. The drugs never seemed to lessen the feelings of depression and anxiety and the therapists never seemed to be able to help either.

I get depressed over the fact that my life feels so empty and unfufilling and it seems like there's no hope of me ever having the kind of life I want. And I get anxiety over all the people I have to deal with everyday. At my jobs I've always had customers or co-workers who treated me like crap and left me with horrible feelings of anxiety that would last for days or even weeks.

At 22 I went to back to school, I started out studing history and eventually set my eye on getting my Masters of Library Science and for a while I was filled with a little bit of hope. I felt like maybe this would be my chance to feel like I was doing something with my life and maybe make some new friends for the first time since I was a child. Sometimes it feels like I'm doing something worthwhile, other times I feel like I'm just wasting my time. I'm in my second year and I've failed to make any friends. When it comes to my choice of eventual career I'm often filled with fears that I'll graduate but I'll never be able to get such a job or even handle one.

I don't really have any friends to turn to, I really only have one close friend I really hang out with and he sometimes treats me like shit, especially in front of other people. He did this earlier today and I ended up hitting him, which is the cause of my current spike in depression and anxiety, so I don't know if I really have any close friends. Making new ones is just so difficult, people sometimes act friendly to me but when I try to turn one of my few acquantances into a friend they always seem to decline.

As far as dating goes, I dream of one day being in a relationship with a girl, but I've only been able to summon the courage to ask out three girls in my entire life and they've all turned me down. I just have a hard time approaching girls because of my looks (I'm ugly) my weight (I'm fat) and the fact that i'm poor, still live at home and the fact that small things can sometimes make me break down and cry. I'm a few weeks away from turning 24 and I fear i'm either going to die one day without having had sex or even kissed a girl or I'm going to have to pay for it to happen.

I don't what else to say... I just feel like life is just too much for me. I just can't handle it."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9xsfd/i_feel_like_i_just_cant_handle_life/

It's not supposed to be like this

"I can't stand living on this earth anymore I already tried 3 times 1st time tried to run my car off the road into the freeway but tires blew 2nd time was going to hang myself in the garage but talked my self out of it last min and third time was I od on a bunch of sleeping pills 40+ and then was out for 2 days and then had a sizure and was sent to the hospital and they gave me a lot of ativan and now that I have the Ativan I have enough to finally end all of this I don't need this s*** anymore I'm so depressed and don't care who it affects I need help I've had such a bad life I'm only 20 it's not supposed to be like this.

FYI I don't need peoples f****** s*** say o your salfish because I don't give a f*** and no it's not girlfriend issues or I'm fat or she dumped me because those are some dumd f****** reasons to kill yourself and those one need to get over it I know I work in healthcare and people tell me there s*** try being abused at home and your mom can't do any thing and watching your brother and sister being abused and the way they try saying sorry is buying with cars or giving money and just not fesing up to what they did or trying to escape through a window because your dad was trying to Hert you or hearing your mom being beat in the next room or having to sleep in hotals or cars because you can't go home or having your mom telling you that she won't be able to see you for awhile and that you would have to stay with the person who Hert you.

There's more but I don't want to say any more it herts too much to even wright about it.
Now that's a better reason to kill your self so you don't have to remeber any of it no more flash backs, bad memories, no more pain of everything that happend."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/i-want-to-kill-myself-so-bad/14325341/

I don’t know how to live and I don’t know how to die

"I’m still waiting for something to happen. Not something special that could finally brings me to the end of this pain. Everything is fine, everything makes me feel this is the very end.

I don’t know if I’m the weird one. I want some help but at the same time I isolated myself avoiding others, even my friends, with some silly escuses. Hardly I recognize myself when I look into the mirror.

I started to hate being surrounded by people when found everybody in my life betraying me. Was really my fault? My parents, my friend, my boyfriend. I can’t go out without feelin’ uneasy, sickened. Maybe I too weak to overcome something like that, maybe I simply can’t. Maybe I trusted the wrong people. The only thing I’m sure about is that nobody could’ve hurt me in the same twisted way they did. It seem like some of them did it on purpose. Just to push me down. Just to break myself in pieces. Should I have been stronger to bear all this? I’m so young but still all I see in front of me is deep despair.

I could say I want to live, now. In five minutes I may change my mind. I wrote this piece in the last moment of relief, I’m gonna give myself the last chance to survive. I can’t help myself thinking life can still be wonderful for me. But now I’m so tired, so numb, so addicted, so overwrought that all I can think about is that now I’m a complete coward. I don’t know how to live and I don’t know how to die."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/10/somehow-im-still-here/

I want to live as somebody else, but not as me, not with this life

"I'm thinking of ending my life almost everyday. I've been married for 9 years. My daughter will be 4 in December. I love her more than anything. My husband is sweet, and He still love me at lot. in my life. I growed up dealing with lots of hopeless situations, and family issues. I once tried to kill myself when I was 12, by injecting air into my vein with a syringe. Obviously, it was unsuccessful. It hursts too much, I ended up flushing the syrine and the needle into the toilet. I have never tell anybody until I was about twenty something. I was often make a joke about it, thinking how stupid I was then. Life doesn't get any better as I get older. Family issue, hopeless situations, financial difficulty...I guess everybody in this world has this same problem, right? It's hard, but I took them as if that how life is; I thought I was well trained to endure and overcome almost everything. I've tried my best to make things work, to have a happy family of my own. I do have a happy family, even that we're poor but we still know how to make it fun to enjoy our lives together. I don't care what my family, my friends, his family, his friends, or whoevers thinks of us, or if they ever pity us. As long as, I believe in my future, still have hopes, then that's fine.
But recently, I become weird. I'm overwhelm with my own life. I loss all my hopes, my interests. I don't want to do anything, even thing that I love the most (like traveling). Nothing can make me excited. I'm hopeless, motionless. Even if I win the lottery, it may not be excited as it s/b, I still want to die. I'm sick of my life, that's it! I was thinking of my daughter, will she be ok without me, and if my husband is a good father, will he able to take good care of her...I think they'll be fine. Almost every night, I went to bed and hoping that I wont wake up next day. I even have plans for ending my life. I want to live as somebody else, but not as me, not with this life.
What is wrong with me? What can I do? Please advise
Please forgive me for my english. "

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/suicidal-thought-1/

I can't live like this.. please help

"I can't deal with anything anymore..

Over the past few years my life has gone to shit, my parents are both extremely abusive, and childrens services put me in a place where the abuse just got worse, going from just physical, to physical and sexual. The Childrens aid society wont do anything, because they need proof, and everyone just says I'm lying. I've even gone to the police. No one will do anything. All the physical abuse is turning me into a monster, when someone hurts me, I beat the living shit out of them, and don't even realize it until I've already hurt them..

I'm beginning to develop symptoms of bipolar and schizophrenia, I'm hurting everyone I love and I don't even realize it half the time. I don't know what to do anymore, I can't live like this.. please help :("

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/9wqg1/i_dont_know_what_to_do_anymore/

I feel like god is upset and ashamed with me

"i hate it, i hate thinking about killing myself. i feel stupid and selfish. i feel like im going insane. and i hate it because i really dont have a bad life. i just feel selfish because im taking life for granted and i dont want to die. i think about it a lot. i think about death and i always have bad scenerios in my head of how i could die or how i could do it. and the saddest thing about it, is that i do it most when i cant handle things. i do it most when i feel stupid and ashamed and dont want to deal with things anymore. i need help. i cant handle fighting and stress, even just a little bit of it. it happens and i get so depressed when i shouldnt be depressed. i just realized this just now. right before i started writing this. i just got in a bad fight and the thing i thought was i dont want to deal with this i just want to die. i should just kill myself. why do i do this? i feel so selfish and i believe in god so i feel like god is upset and ashamed with me. im not happy with things and i know its my fault and i know the only way to change it is to change me or change something in my life. and i some things i know i need to change but i dont do it and i dont know why. i just want to give up. i hate me so much and i know thats a really big thing. one day ill be happy and the next day i wont. im thinking that im really bi-polar."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/10/i-hate-it/

If we had any decent alcohol, I'd drink myself to death

"I'm so sick of being alone...

I would kill for someone to love me...

Anyone...

I'm so sick of trying to talk to my mom about it and having her say "I love you." When she knows that's not the kind of love I'm talking about.

I just want someone so bad...

Michelle broke up with me...

She said she needed time to get her head on straight.

I agree. I mean, she just got out of a treatment center because she was seeing and hearing things...

But that was from the meds she was on...

I just want someone so bad...

Sometimes I think about just finding someone who wants to fuck me and throw me away. It shouldn't be too hard to find...

But then again, who wants to fuck me? I'm ugly, annoying, and just plain fucked up.

It's gotten to the point where I don't want to listen to love songs...

They just piss me off or make me sad.

Even songs about sex set me off.

I hate it.

I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

Maybe I should've just let my ex rape me. Who the fuck would care anyways?

I'm crying now...

I wish I could kill myself...

But swallowing pills makes me gag...

I don't like pain. (Unless it's in a very kinky situation)

And I don't have any place to hang myself from...

I hate water. So drowning's out as well.

Maybe I could get a lot of coke or heroin and snort it all...

But I don't know where to get any.

So that's out...

If we had any decent alcohol, I'd drink myself to death.

Any ideas anyone?

Anyone? No? No?

Damn. C'mon, people, get creative!"

Source: http://strawberrysnack.livejournal.com/