It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change

"Had a quick glance at my discharge letter. Lots of medical mumbo jumbo, though luckily having friends in medical school means it wasn’t too hard to figure out, and the things they didn’t know Google did! The letter sheds no light on why they thought I needed a chest x-ray, so that’s still pretty baffling, as is the fact that it talks about depression/low mood when I told every doctor I saw that I was feeling okay.

I didn’t try to kill myself because I was depressed, I tried to kill myself simply because I was too scared to be alive. The paranoia, the peculiar experiences, they don’t depress me. Maybe they should, but they don’t. They tire me out, yes. They terrify me, yes. But I am still able to laugh. I am still able to enjoy things. I am not depressed. I was a depressed teenager, I know what it feels like, and I know that this is not it. If only someone would listen to me, aftter all I do know myself better than anyone else.

The elusive crisis team finally paid a visit today, was a waste of time as expected – the woman they sent was here for all of five minutes, she asked the standard questions, seemed pleased when I told her I hadn’t had thoughts of harming myself (lies) hadn’t been scared by books/television/music (lies) and was taking my medication regularly (more lies). She complimented me on my hair and my dress though, so she gets bonus points for that, it’s nice to know that the effort I put into actually getting out of my pyjamas today was appreciated! She did suggest I should get out of the house a bit more, seeing as I haven’t left since I got home from hospital, but that’s not going to happen. Leaving the house is too stressful and if I’m honest, too much effort. I’ve got an appointment on Tuesday, which will probably take all my energy; I won’t be leaving the house before then. The meeting is actually with both the crisis team and the Early Intervention service, and she thinks that as long as I’m fine on Tuesday I’ll be discharged back to them. I will be fine. I am fine. Or at least, I’m really good at pretending, so either way I won’t have them to deal with anymore.

It’s not that I don’t want to be honest with the crisis team; it’s just that I can’t. Admitting to certain thoughts/feelings would make a hospital stay unavoidable, and I know any length of time spent as an inpatient would be detrimental to my mental health. Besides, spending time in hospital wouldn’t stop me from hurting myself, it might delay it, but the outcome would remain the same.

I am considering asking for a change in key-worker. My actual key-worker is on maternity leave, and has been since about November, I think, I know she’s due back around May. The man who has taken over from her, I have only met once, which isn’t particularly promising considering the amount of time she’s been gone. He is a nice enough man; it’s just that I don’t feel I’ll ever be able to open up to him. He only works for the Early Intervention Service a couple of days a week, so it’s really hard to catch him, and well, I just don’t think we ‘click’. I think I would feel more comfortable talking to a woman; apart from my CAMHS psychologist I have never really worked well with a man. He’s not going to be in the meeting on Tuesday because he has lots of ‘crisis stuff’ to attend to, so maybe I will bring it up with the psychiatrist then and see what he thinks. I probably won’t have the guts; I always feel terrible for upsetting or offending anybody – one of the reasons I didn’t tell my psychiatrist how bad things were getting was because I liked seeing him smile thinking he’d done a good job!

In other news, I’m getting a little obsessed with everything Alice In Wonderland in the lead up to the release of the film. Tomorrow I am ordering the most beautiful Alice inspired journal, a pocketwatch pendant, and a tea party charm bracelet. Happiness!

‘It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change.’"

Source: http://thesunshinediaries.wordpress.com/

The feelings dont stop

"i dont want to be like this but the feelings dont stop they get worse it is the reason my wife left me and my kids dont respect me
i cant enjoy any thing any more icant watch tv go out with my frinds they tell me i bring them down , i do want a real life but at this age i dont think there is hope for me , i been this way as long as i can remember my wife helped me alot and got me through a lot of bad times but she left me because she got tired of all the bs , now i have no one and dont want to live anymore"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/i-want-do-die-but-i-cant-kill-myself-i-am-45-years-old-and-i-have-felt-this-way-all-my-life-but-now-its-getting-worse-/

Somedays I wish that I were blind so that I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror

"Somedays I wish that I were blind so that I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror. I hate how disgusting that I am, and I hate how people lie to me and tell me how cute, sexy or beautiful I am. I can't see any of those qualities in me..alls i can see is my fat thighs..arms..my fat everything. I want to see my bones, free myself of this shell and become beautiful."

Source: http://momochi856.blogspot.com/

I want to feel better but i can’t

"I have bi polar disorder and i’m 19 years old and i am really angry and depressed right now because my life sucks and everything is not good at all. I can’t seem to have any of the good things, i want to drive so i took the driver’s permit test i fail two times in a row and looks like there is no hope of driving a car because i can’t remember what i’ve read in the book. I’ve also always wanted a girlfriend but when i tried asking girls out, they said that i am ugly and one girl said that she wanted to throw up just when she looked at me. It hurts my feelings that no girls are intrested in me and i’m very depressed because of that. Recently, my parents brought home a puppy and it seems to get rid of my depression a little bit until the dog had problems when it pooped out worms and now they want to get rid of it even though they took it to the vet already and had shots for prevention. What could i do about my depression that is interfering with my life ? I feel so sad and depressed because of this situation, what could i do so i could feel better again ? I’ve tried some home remedies for depressino but it is not working. Would there still be any chance of finding a girlfriend after getting rejected all of the time ? Could anyone please help me out ? I want to feel better but i can’t and i feel like i want to kill myself to get out of this misery !"

Source: http://unibersus.com/2010/02/25/what-could-i-do-about-my-bi-polar-depression-that-is-interfering-with-my-life/

Im so lost

"If i try again tomorrow, it will be attempt number 7 on my life. i live with minor brain damage and ADD and am fucking depressed, none of my “friends” talk to me and when i try and talk to them they dont pick up the phone or reply, im only 18 and moved out of home, i cant get into uni and missed out on tafe no one will hire me so im fucked, i contemplate suicide everyday and research methods online, i see other people talking about prevention, how to get help, how they can relate to shit, i think its all bullshit, i dont even know why im posting this, im so lost, i think ill buy a pipe and kill myself by co2 poisoning.. but then i wont."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-just-need-a-gun-and-a-bullet/

I just need to talk to someone who can understand

"why are people so mean? Im not making this up, I ran into a girl I knew from high school the other day...and she saw that im still having a very hard time with my OCD and panic disorders...and she was always mean...but she told me that OCD is fake and its all in my head and that I should just kill myself because everyone is sick of me and that my sister would be better off if I were dead.......ive been in tears over this for a few days....it really upset me because I almost feel shes right......How can someone be so mean.....sorry this post is kinda pointless I just need to talk to someone who can understand. im sorry."

Source: http://community.livejournal.com/o_c_d/508292.html

I live in what I call a hell hole

"Hi, im 17 year old and I live in what I call a hell hole with my dad, twin brother, step mom, and 2 half siblings. I’ve always had problems living with my dad but it all went south when my dad got married. He started believing that people were trying to kill him with voodoo and so he married this woman a year ago to “protect us”. Then he started accusing me of stealing her stuff, using her stuff without permission, and even trying to kill him. He says that my mom (who lives in a different state) and I team up to put things around the apt to cause harm.

I am severely depressed and I was hospitalized a month ago after I called a suicide hotline and told the lady what I wanted to do to myself. And the only I called the hotline was because I repeatedly told my dad about my suicidal thoughts, and how depressed I am, and he said to leave him alone and if I wanted to continue to cut, I could until I bleed o death and he’ll just take me to the hospital. He moved over this past summer without telling me or my brother (we were at our mom’s house) so I have no one to talk to here.

The house is soo dirty, not just clothes and dirt…its like waste. And food, garbage all over this house, it makes me sick literally…im having stomach issues because don’t want to go to the bathroom, or anywhere else in this place. Im so scared of it..Im a germaphobe and so coming home after school makes me soo anxious and I want to cry. After I came home from the hospital..they gave me this discharge plan and I was put on medication there because of an anxiety attack.

The discharge plan said that I was to be placed in an intensive out patient program, and that didn’t happen because my dad says its stupid….2 weeks before my medication was finished I told him that and he just ignored me and so now my meds are done and it’s been a week. He doesn’t seem to care that I need a psychiatrist to monitor my meds. All I get here is threatened like “im gonna break ur neck”, “u’ll see what ill do to you”, “leave and don’t come back” name called like stupid, idiot, useless. I cant stay here anymore, I know im almost out but this is too much..the more I stay here the more suicidal I get and the more I want to cut. Do I even have any options as a 17 y/o? Please help me..thank you for your time"

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/so-depressed-and-no-way-out/