I shouldn’t have been allowed to be born

"I’m frightened, all the time. I’m panicking. I feel it in my chest, like somebody’s sitting on me, or like there’s a hand wrapped around my heart, squeezing all the life out of me. I’ve been grinding my teeth, giving myself headaches.

My family is fucked. My education is fucked. My friendships are more or less non-existent now.

There’s nothing worthwhile in my life. And there’s nothing worthwhile in me.

I can lie to myself all I want, but the truth is plain and clear. I’m a parasite. I take, take, take, and give nothing back.

I take student loans to fund a degree I almost certainly won’t get. I take kindness and give only indifference in return. I take happiness and pollute it. I take hope and drain it.

I ruin everything. And there’s nothing in me to make it better.

What have I got that will ever be of any benefit to anyone?

No job, no skills, no knowledge, no talent, no experience. Not even any basic human decency. All I am is selfishness, laziness, cruelty.

I am the kind of person that everybody hates. A drain on society, on my friends, on my family. I take everything and give nothing back. I destroy everything. I pollute everything.

And I lie, I comfort myself with make-believe, with empty words, with promises to myself that I will become a better person, that I will justify my existence, but how can I? I am nothing.

Can’t even stop my family from falling apart. Can’t even make the most of my education. Can’t even keep in touch with my friends, or get a job, or make new friends, or achieve anything.

I’m an empty, useless, hopeless piece of shit. I’m barely even human. I’m so self-absorbed, so stupid, so ridiculously bad at everything. Why am I allowed to live? I shouldn’t have been allowed to be born. I think of all the good people in the world who’ve died, and I get so angry, I just wish there was a way to say swap with me, take my place, it’s not like I’m doing anything with it.

I’m rotten, inside.

In my head, I’m tearing myself apart. Images I can’t avoid: ripping and slashing, peeling flesh from my bones, undoing myself, as if that’s a way to undo what I’ve done. They’re images that won’t go away, thoughts that echo through my stupid, empty head. I close my eyes and all I see is the violence I want to do to myself. I want to die, but first I want to let out my anger on myself. I want to destroy this stupid body that’s stayed alive all this time. I want to prove that there’s a difference between my body, my stupid, ignorant body, going about its daily business, living on and on, and my mind, which would have willingly died years ago. I want to destroy my body the way I’ve destroyed my mind. I want to break it down, pull it apart. There is no distraction from these thoughts. They’re all my worn-down brain is good for now.

I can’t see a way out, and I’m too weak to carry on. I don’t want to be this person. I was never supposed to be this stupid, useless person.

All I see in my future is failure, because it’s all I see in my present and my past, too. What’s the point? I’ve never achieved anything and I’m never going to. My life is worthless.

Everything in my life is broken, and it’s my fault for not being strong enough to keep it together.

The more I live, all that happens is that more things break up, more things get ruined. All that happens is that everything gets worse. The more I live, the less able I am to continue doing so.

I need to die, before I become even more of a burden, even more of a disappointment. It’s not fair on anyone if I keep living.

I’m so angry at myself. I’ve destroyed whatever meagre potential I had. All I am now is a drain, on everyone.

How can I live when I have nothing to live for? How can I live when I don’t have a life?"

Source: http://loopylonelyandlost.wordpress.com/