Nobody asked for life to deal us what these bullshit hands were dealt. We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help.

"My dad got really mad at me tonight. It was the usual-- he let anger build up and then let it all out in one big go. But this time happened under a few different circumstances.. first of all, I was coming down from 80 mgs of Adderall, and second of all, he began talking about SUICIDE! I can't take this... the way he treated me tonight was exactly how he used to treat me during my childhood. He used to tell me how worthless I was and that he was going to kill himself because life was sad and he couldn't take it anymore. Saying that stuff to your elementary aged daughter can (and most likely will) screw her head up. I remember when he used to yell at me like that, I would inevitably end up seeking out food for comfort. I dont know why I chose food... maybe it was because it reminded me of both of my grandparents whose homes always had stacks and stacks of food... and that my grandparents were always really nice to me and didnt treat me bad. So I associated food with 'nice' and 'understanding' (and obviously 'comforting').

If my dad did kill myself... I dont even know what I'd do. Life for me would be so fucking fucked after that. Just the way things are going I know at least one of my grandparents would die soon afterwards... and possibly another. So, what if three people in my life died at once? I think my suicidal thoughts would just get even more worse and I would probably plan a quicker and more lethal suicide just because at that point, i'd probably feel fucking worthless. I don't know why I feel this way... why am I having such suicidal feelings? I want to quit this life. Just stop it. Like a video game or something.

I want to run away from all of this... away from school, away from my dad, away from food, away from this overwhelming experience that never ends. Then I can just rot and die.

"Just stay alive long enough to kill the opponent within… never stopping that continuous jab as the momentum continues growing alongside the evil intertwinement of our beastly nature and greed for power. At once, ultimate control is granted to the winner… which is realistically the dead man who’s lost power over all aspects of his “life” via his human-nature."

Why do humans think that having control means that our lives are perfect? I think it actually creates even more fucked-up-ness in our lives, but the fact (aka delusion) that we have what we've always wanted (the control) is all we need to cover up how obviously messed up our lives still are. The beast within not only wants control over EVERYTHING, but I also believe it is what causes us to view killing ourselves as the only rational and appealing way to fix those problems we thought would be fixed after getting the control we always selfishly wanted. After all, 'beasts' have never been known to be rational or anything, right? We are the same. If we dont find some way to maintain sanity, then mankinds essential illness will take over your thoughts and actions and youll become a person whos on a dead end road... where obviously, once you get to the end, you've reach your time to die. Once on this road, it's so so so hard to turn around long enough to GET OFF the street... its like, right when you're almost there, something happens and your feet are moving back in the direction it came from, amd almost twice as fast.
It gets harder everytime... and I know it.

"It’s a suicide-attempt stuck on ‘repeat’ without any recollection of the last failed jab at taking our lives once and for all—naively beginning another round of this sick-cycle, emerging our eager bodies into an invisible dystopia of lies… oh, how familiar and firm our stance feels here"

So, we cannot see this dystopian pool of lies, but it's a place in which we identify with and know as familiar. Leaving our comfort zone is not on our 'beasts' to-do list... its not first instinct nor is it easy to do. Isnt it much easier to listen to the viscious, controlling, and agressive voice? You know if you just follow its dictatoring words, everything will be fine and life will always be the same--safe and just how you've always known it. Even if you tried rebelling against that evil and mean voice in your head, the area outside of your comfort zone wouldnt be very easy to hold a firm stance in. Its new and you have no idea how things work out there...

I guess I'm trying to say-- once something in your life changes drastically, you lose your balance and become lost. Its easy to starting running in the dangerous direction of the dead end road and give into the negative voice.
I wish I had more control over myself... I'm so fucking depressed...




Nobody asked for life to deal us what these bullshit hands were dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don't expect no help"

Source: http://sickened3.blogspot.com/