This is sick, I'm plotting things again

"I know I've moved my blog and all, but I can't stand the thoughts of tainting that new blog with my emo tendency, so here I am, pouring my heart out here.

I had a slight psychotic breakdown today, I guess. It was weird, I was sane, yet insane at the same time. I knew it was Mom and she was just trying to help me, but I couldn't resist the urge to tackle her and run away. And I just burst into tears when Dad came in. She was just trying to apply that balm to warm me, but I freaking looked at her like she was trying to kill me. I cried and when they had gone out, I locked the door and sat on the floor. Then I cried again, and curled like a ball. It was sad, really. I was sobbing like crazy and freaking out that something would suddenly attack me. I kept looking around, and I was acting like ... I don't know, someone who has lost her mind? I kept crying and crying, and I didn't even know why. I guess that's why people call it psychotic breakdown? I didn't even know what was going on, I felt delusional.

I started thinking of it again. I don't know if I should be thankful that I don't have cutters in my room. Honestly, I was frigging crazy. And then I took a shower, crying the whole time and being all jittery. Then I started thinking of all those stuffs again. That it's my fault that I'm sick. Mom is mad because I'm sick. I wanna lock myself in my room and sleep till tomorrow, but Mom will be mad. Whatever I do, she will be mad. If I tell her my problems, she will be mad. She will always be mad at me. I feel so worthless.

I began googling about suicides, how to do it, and found none. I found suicide support forums, but those aren't helpful at all. I'm crazy, I know. I'm freaking out. I need xanax, or whatever. This is sick, I'm plotting things again. I already have plans, and I know where to buy those pills, and I can save up and buy them one strip every two weeks or so, and once I have enough, I can drown my misery with them. Fuck. I so need a help, but what use is a help? What use is it when I post on suicide help forums? How will they help me?

I just want to die."

Source: http://vionesherry.blogspot.com/