I WANT to do something but it just feels like I can't

"Hi,

When I was young my parents split up, i lived with my alcoholic mum while i was young, then my grandmum and grandad died and their money which was left to me paid for me to go to boarding school till i was about 12, I had friends there but I always was a loner. Then I moved into public school which I was not happy about it was a big change and I was being taught suff i had been taught in private school 3 years previously, eventually though they caught up and I lost that disadvantage. My mum died of a bran hemorage just before I took my GCSEs, i still manged to get fairly good scores. Then I had to move in with my dad and stp mother who i didnt particularly get on with and that didnt work out.

When I went to college they shipped me off like a foreign student to live in this womans house which was a digusting hellhole. I didnt do well at college I couldnt really focus on the work, i had friend but we just got drunk together and I was not able to realy talk to anybody in college i just stood there...so college didnt work out i dropped out. Since then I havent worked I havent done anything really.

Im now 21, I live in a hostel for homeless people, i just about get on with people but i dont want anything to do with them they are pretty idiotic e.g. getting into fights/immature/solvent abuse...

I am living off disibility allowance for depression, I really cannot see myself working i am so anxious...I am in this system the jobcentre hass setup because im flagged as on disibility allowance but able to work..so every month i have to attend this meeting where they are encouraging me to go to work.

I WANT to do something but it just feels like I cant:

1. I have no idea what I want to do.
2. I have tried looking for jobs, but when I see what they are looking for and i imagine myself there I just cannot see it working out, images of myself in an office for example scare me due to the anxiety..i cannot talk on phones to potential customers...I would not be ablee to handle if with my boss being around etc...
3. I couldnt work in a shop i am too anxious, I cannot handle so many people especially if they start aking things of me..I would end up walking out on my first day on the job..

I have tried going back to college...people say you will make friends there......I didnt...I couldnt focus on my work...i dropped out again...

I dont know what to do...I am SICK of having no money being poor. I want to have a girlfriend...live some kind of life but it seems I just CANT...

I have been STUCK in this situation for the last 3 years....I cannot handle this anymore, I have started to smoke cannabis in the hope it may help a bit but i cant even afford that so thats not even an option...

Another issue I have is I seem to not like/get on with people in my own age group...I think they are stupid/immature/annoying. It could just be because of where I live the kind of people that I mix with, they where better at college compared to this dump.

What should/can I do??

I HAVE been to the docter they put me on meds for 5 months which I said to the doc I think its a placebo, Ive tried 2 different brand of anti-deperessant I dont really want to try them again. Frankly Id rather use a drug that I can feel is working e.g. cannabis.

I HAVE been to the psycologist, that didnt help either, she recommnded things like volunteering..I have seen the place where this volunteer thing she talked about goes on, lots of people, I would stand there silent like a lemon I really cannot handle that at all I would have to walk out.

Summary: I cannot see myself working around other people. I cannot see myself studying to get qualified, again its around people. I am sick of being stuk at this same place in my life, nothing seems to help I dont know what to do. I really would love a girlfriend not just for the sex lol...somebody i could talk to and share with etc but I definately dont have the skills to do that at the moment....I am sick of being stuck like this not having changed in the last 3 years.

I really have tried to work out what I could do but I am stuck and I feel like I cannot handle this much longer please help."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/9j8r3/i_dont_know_what_to_do/