I used to have plans, but now nothing

"i have hated life since the 1st grade.

I am only 12, but i have lived a life of extreme saddness

i have tried to kill my self about 10-12 times, yet each time there is something stopping me. I am very religious and i feel like god dose not care about me. He dose not want me here, but there is a reson i am here still. Right?

each time i try i try to stangle my self with either a knee high sock or rope. is there something that could helpme with that?

i am already going to a phycyatrist and i am on a 50 mg or 75 mg of zoloft

i tried prosac, it didnt work. i tried meditating like my aunt. still no results. sometimes i cut my self, yet i find it inconvinient if you just want to leave the face of the earth. Sometimes i say too much. once when with whom is now an enemy (used to be my best friend until one small coment), i blurted out that i was thinking about killing myself that very night. After that the only times she would talk to me was to just coment rude things about me, which im not sure i want to put on here.

Usually the one thing stopping me from dying, is a person. CONNOR. and ithink i might LOVE him. not middle school crush love, but actual love. Connor was with me the entire time through fifth grade up until now. i’ve never had the nerve to actualy tell him though…

but the people who make me feel like the most crap are all in my family.

my dad – he never pays any attention except every once in a while,

mom – she lies to me, she makes me want to run away every day.

my sister – sometimes she actually saves me, but she yells and screams at me, makes me feel like im not important.

i know what maybe all the people who read this may think “She dosent know what she is talking about! she is only twelve!”

i do know. i have an iq of 143. am i not smart? last year i ran for class tresurer, i got 10 vots because “im not smart enough” i am 4 foot 10, once again i am 12 obviously a reson i am teased.

once again i am 12, you may say i am only 12, but have you gone 4th grade with only 2 friends? well?

im only 12! i cant cope with it!

im also the type of person who thinks beauty isnt everything. so some mornings i go to school without brushing my hair. yet another reason i am teased.

im not sure with how much i can cope with at my age, with my life…

please if you care at all you would leave a comment telling me what i can do to change my life, make it better PLEASE.

i used to have plans, but now nothing"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/if-you-care-read/

Tired of playing this game we all call life

"The one thing I want out of life the most is to have a family of my own.A husband thats not a dickhead and kids.

I just dont want to be alone anymore.I was raped, yes.And I feel like nobody really believes me, they get mad and throw it in my face.Saying it was my fault.Yes people, I wanted a large dick shoved in my vagina against my will.seriously? They also throw that i'll be alone for the rest of my life in my face.but i'm trying to heal, trying to cope, trying to move on and live my life.

I want a bf, but like I just can 'put myself out there'.My 21st bday is coming up and everyone says they are going to help me find someone...but I dont want to find someone at a bar or club...like really? Idk, its like everyone of my friends is either prettier, skinnier, or more outgoing than me.I'm really shy...even before above said fiasco.

I just dont want to be alone.I've never actually had a real bf and i'm almost fucking 21! What to do?

I know they say the best things come in time, but really I have no luck.I have nothing going FOR me...like really.I'm tired of waiting.

tired of playing this game we all call life."

Source: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/alone/14330907/

I hate my self so much

"I woke up 2day and look in the miror and said 2my self “ur so ugly how culd any1 love or evan like u” and I got so angrey wid my self I smashed the miror luckaly my parents where asleep up steers coz if they new I broke it I wuld be in some deeper shit that I am already in now, y do I have 2 b ugly I hate my self so much I wish I culd just drop dead I’ve asked god 2 kill me but he never answered I almost kill myself last night with a knife but I chikend out see I’m also a big ugly fauila I can never do any thing there’s no point of me bing on this earth mayb I shuld overe dose myself with drugs!!!! No1 wuld care"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/12/shuld-i-just-do-it-now/

I shouldn't feel like this anymore

"hey guys im still alive

unfortunately

i drink alone at night now

and on two occasions now, girls have tried to hook up with me and i just lock up. it's been ten months since my last relationship and i don't even know how to handle it anymore. shrinks don't help me. i wish i could die but i'm not strong-willed enough to kill myself. and to everyone else, i am this huge perfectionist. i just want to be held and i'm a grown adult and i shouldn't feel like this anymore. i'm tired of faking happiness, i just want to get drugged into being happy cause at this point that's the only way i'm going to feel it."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/aghgm/aahahahahah/

I have a list of reasons I am shit and reasons my life is shit in my head

"I haven’t got a lot to say. I have had my ups and downs and, it seems, I only really feel the urge to write here when I’m either on a major downer or when I’m writing article-style to distract from a downer. I’m not the sort who writes when joy fills my soul. Those times are felt. Experienced. Lived.

So, deductively then, I must be on a major downer since I’m writing this. Yes. True.

I feel there is very little point to my life as of eight twenty-five pm, as I write this. By eight twenty-five pm tomorrow I have no idea if I will be feeling the same way or if my mind will be wandering down other avenues – I could be contemplating the relative merits of pickled beets over fresh. I don’t think I even realised that beetroot existed outside its purple-red vinegar drenched state until I was well into adulthood.

I have a list of reasons I am shit and reasons my life is shit in my head. I won’t bother writing them down because there’d be no point, as one of my main convictions right now (think we’ve moved on to eight-thirty pm now) is that there’s no point to my life and, surely, the corollary must then be that there’s no point to the reasons that point to my life having no point? At the very least no point in listing them. This is fun isn’t it?

I’m not going to kill myself. I have a pre-paid plane ticket to be in France for New Year’s. This by itself is not the whole reason I’m not killing myself. There are other reasons. Like, for instance I’m really busy being morose at the moment. It’s taking up all my time and energy and I like to put my all into a project once I get going. I’m just so busy being maudlin I cannot envisage creating a space in my schedule for suicide. I admit that’s not very forward-thinking of me."

Source: http://depressionetal.wordpress.com/

I am 17 and i want to jump off the bridge

"i want to kill myself so badly. i dont want to be alive. but i cant hurt my family. i don't want to do this to my mom and dad, but i really cant bare to live anymore. i am 17 and i want to jump off the bridge"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=169845

This sounds bad but I feel that the best choice for me and the baby is death

"This is kinda a sob story but I need some advice.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant and suffer from clinical depression. My pdoc and I decided that antidepressants would be good for me because of the depression and I’m currently taking 100mg of Zoloft. But the thing is that I feel no better. I guess you could say I’m better because I’m not constantly crying but that doesn’t mean much to me. I am unable to work because of the depression and schizo affective disorder…which means money if so tight that I can’t even buy shampoo when I need it. I’ve had to sell my books to make money to buy toilet paper and pay for a co-pay to visit a doctor. I’ve tried talking to the father of the baby but he wants nothing to do with me or the baby. I’m to the point where nothing seems to be ok and I feel that the future is just going to get worse and worse. The voices are getting louder and the shadow people are showing up everywhere. This sounds bad but I feel that the best choice for me and the baby is death. I don’t want the baby in a world where no one is willing to help out when it’s needed. I’ve tried getting cash assistance but I’ve been denied because apparently making nothing but what SSDI pays me is too much.

Here’s the thing. I’ve honestly been thinking about suicide a lot lately and I know that I should get help but why? The hospital, altho helpful, isn’t going to fix the problem. They might even decide to take the baby away if I make it to birth. I don’t want to lose the baby…and yes I know that contradicts my thoughts that the baby shouldn’t live in a world where no one will help out.

Geez I sound so pathetic. There are so many people out there who are worse off than I am and I want to kill myself…hahaha.

I’ve tried calling the clinic where I receive psychiatric help but I’m not allowed to have my pdoc’s office phone number and the nurse that is there never answers the phone. I leave messages but she still hasn’t gotten back with me and the last message I left was on Wednesday. I’m at my wits end.

My family, altho they said they’d help me with anything, lied. They won’t help buy food or shampoo. They won’t give me money for gas to put in my car. They think I’m making up the mood disorder and the voices and what not for attention. My older brother sent me a message on Facebook saying "Get a job and exercise." Family isn’t an option.

And before you say go to the hospital, I have disappointed my family by going to the hospital before and they’ve told me that I’d be a bigger disappointment if I went again.

I just don’t know what to do. The fact that I never sleep anymore doesn’t help. I’ve tried everything there. From changing my sleep patterns and hygiene to drinking warm milk and sleepytime tea. I’ve even been taking unisom because I can’t take insomnia meds. (I’m diagnosed with insomnia BTW).

What advice can you give me that might help.

Thanks
BTW, I’m unable to work because of my disabilities. If I didn’t mention that I am now. Please don’t suggest I get a job because I CAN’T work."

Source: http://insomniacurehomeremedy.com/2392/pregnant-and-depressed-please-read/