I constantly think about the ease of suicide

"Please help me or give me some advice. My name is Sam and i think i might be depressed. The thing is i’m not sure. The people around me and the things they talk about make me believe that what i feel is shameful and that i am just attention seeking or am affected by hormones. By writing this i do feel like i am being an attention seeker. But i also want to make sure i know if i am depressed. From the beginning of 09 i started having feelings of restlessness and i felt i was unable to trust the people around me. I started feeling as if i didn’t have any friends and when i was at school i’d feel miserable at the end of the day because i felt i didn’t belong, that i was the “outsider.” So i began having days when i would wake up and feel really tired. At first i forced myself to school, but then i couldn’t (and my parents work in a situation where they leave home before i wake up and come home several hours after i am expected home from school). It was easy to spend days cooped up at home. I would sit at home and do nothing, i would sleep and eat and just be lazy. Well eventually i stopped having opportunities to stay at home. But i still feel left out and felt that i do not belong. During the school holidays i turn off my mobile and try to avoid contact with my friends. I think i cannot cope with the stress and workload of senior school and i find myself rushing my assignments all the time. It makes me feel worthless that i cannot handle this, when i know i have to face so much more in Uni. I can’t see a future for myself and some days i can’t see myself walking into tomorrow. It makes me feel worthless and guilty that i am wasting my parents resources because i revert to stress eating and i demand extracurricular things to better myself. But i constantly think about the ease of suicide. And i have addictions which i picked up to soothe myself. I smoke because i think that if i smoke enough i’ll drop dead, i harm myself, because the pain makes me feel good because it makes me feel alive and punishes me for my stupidity. But now i feel like an attention seeker for saying that. Please tell me that i am an attention seeker if i am or that its just puberty because i feel so miserable and tired and the only way i’m going to survive this is if i know these feelings will go away. I’m hoping they will because i feel i need to keep going in order not to shame my parents.

Samantha"

Source: http://www.youthbeyondblue.com/2009/07/27/some-feelings-of-mine/