I want to find someone that will understand me, and love me even though im a fuck up

"i am 26 years old, i have been living with my boyfriend who is 36. we have been together for 8 years, with 2 seperations. when we first met i was emotionally stable. then after i got pregnant 5 years into our relationship, i began to become visibly depressed, and emotional. i even ended up in the hospital and they kept me for 6 days ut didnt tale medications because i was pregnant. ever since then, 2005, my depression has been getting worse. he has never believed in the desease or in medicating any symptoms. but i eventually, against his wishes, i went to seek spychological help. i was given medications. but it was hard to keep taking them because my boyfriend kept telling me i could do it without them. so i eventualy stoped. and then when i had a breakdown, began cutting, and hitting myself, and became suicidal again, i went back to the doctor for medications. this time we did it together and i took the med right. but i became violent and a danger. so i stoped (geodon) and tried another medication, but then i could not sleep, and was anxious 24/7 (abilify), so i stoped that medication. i have been off of antidepressants for 5 months now... i am still depressed, i still cut myself, and i cant control myself.
and because of it, today my boyfriend said he cant deal with this anymore, and he cant live with a person like me. i know dealing with me and my illness is hard, i just thought he would still stick with me. he agreed that im a fuck up, and he deserves better. i just wanna be strong, and get myself back to work and keep my job.i want to find someone that will understand me, and love me even though im a fuck up.

i wish i could change things. sometimes i get so anxious, i start to shake and loose it, when i want to change something but i cant. i hate that i have no control."

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/7815646-cause-im-up