I suck at the things I need to know to live

"WHY!!?? WHY IN THE HELL DOSEN'T ANYTHING I DO GO RIGHT FOR ME!? "JUST TRY YOUR BEST" WHAT A JOKE!

Why do i even go to that hell hole if ever single year is the same? All i'm doing there is just bringing myself down by how fucking stupid i am. I get even more upset when, at the time, i think i did my very best and then i get the results and they're all terrible.
I really would like to change! I WANT TO CHANGE! I WANT TO SHOW THAT I TOO CAN BE SMART AT THIS! My best friend even told me that "you're just better outside this stuff then other ppl"WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO IF I SUCK AT THE THINGS I NEED TO KNOW TO LIVE!? I want to be able to show ppl that i can take care of myself and not be a total failer! I want to be in a position that my mom and dad never where! But how can i!? How can i get better at this even though i study for more the three hours and still get no where....UGH!!DX
I seriouslly want to kill myself! If i did then it would all be over....i would never have to go through any hard stuff ever again....no matter how hard i try....It's like there's a huge wall and if i can't jump over it the world has no use for me.
I had dark thoughts like these but was always afriad.... I wont do it though....even though....i still wont. I'm better than that. It just....upsets me so god dam much that i can't get any where. And i know for a fact that this year is just going to be the same. I keep telling myself "don't let it ge to you. Take it slow. keep trying" but i just can't take my own advice....
It really sucks too you know.....living your whole life with two monkeys that are so imature and no mom to back you up or help you if you have a problem that guy's wouldn't understand.....i hate it... i really hate it....
Every thing is stressful.....Grades...family...seeing others being able to find someone special...not being noticed for who i am....feeling like no one under stands me...skin issues.... I am truly thankful for what i have. I am. Yet at the same time it feels like.....nothing will ever go right. No matter how much i try.. "My good is never good enough"

ONe of these day's...i do think i will pull the trigger. I remember doing a future reading onece with my friends and it said that i was to die before any of them...and with all that had happend and what's to come....maybe it's right. I don't know what to do with my life...i don't believe i have anything going for me, why should i struggle?

I really envy everybody. Wether they can try and make it over the wall. Wether they have found someone. Wether they look so amazing. I envy that. they have found something or someone to lean on. I've alway's tried to hold my head up high and keep going but i'm getting tired of everything i do....isn't making any difference.

I want to change. I'll try"

Source: http://sor-en13.livejournal.com/1582.html