I'm sorry for the characteristics of my communication; but communication itself is a challenge to me now.
I have friends, a job, and hobbies. I'm not even really sure what to say. I don't really have any excuses for the way that I am; but I just want to crash so badly.
In the past it was always loud, and I could blame alcohol for that. It ended in the hospital where the outcome was all but guaranteed.
Now, however, I've learned to be quiet, to a point where I barely communicate it to my loving and supportive boyfriend.
I blame maturity for my self control. It’s so much easy to throw caution to the wind and take a dive; but my scars really are fading.
Sometimes I find my mind drifting back to my wild days; and as I recall those things that I have done and survived through (some incredibly traumatic event; all self-inflicted), and I am so heavily burdened that my vision and consciousness begins to tunnel out and fade. I believe it is the thousand-yard stare.
I think that might I might have PTSD from those days.. I can’t even think about how many times death has hung like the Sword of Damocles over my head without completely fading.
These days it doesn’t even take much stress to leave me practically catatonic on the floor; but the problem is that I am too functional to consistently display my symptoms.
Instead I just have a breakdown every handful of months; and though I am now less afraid of death, I find myself thinking about it constantly. It’s not that I long for it, although sometimes I do detest life; I’m just explicitly aware of my mortality and the implications that it carries.
All of the lines are blurring, Reddit; and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay on the road. - BnkAct"
Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/9b6oo/help_me_help_you_help_us_all_please_help_me/
