I'll just go chug some pills and liquor and die happily

"Fuck this.

*sigh* I don't know anymore. I don't know what the hell's going on with me. All I do these fucking days is think about killing myself and all this dramatic bullshit.

No one can stop me from thinking all this. Not Jewelia crying over it, not Sierra asking me not to do it and being so disappointed in me, nothing. I don't know why I'm so heartless now.

Mark was right. I do have "severe emotional issues". I do have a fucking "inner defense system".

Maybe that bitch read my emotions better than I could ever realize them myself.

*sigh* I don't know. It must be the typical stage in a teenage life where one just goes through all this personal drama and thoughts of dying. Is that it? I don't know. I want to, I feel like I can.

Perhaps I need some help.

Or not. Maybe I can just die and get it over with. Fuck all the broken hearts. I could destroy my father and Ruddy both. I could escape aging and working and such.

Am I just lazy, or am I afraid? I've always feared the future. Always. Maybe now it's just taking its toll on me.

My life isn't difficult. Not like Rowan's. Not like Katherine's has been. I haven't dealt with bullshit like Sadie has. I haven't had depression like Zachary. My parents have never beat me, insulted me, nothing. This is all shit that my own mind is forming. I have serious issues with authority. In the end, it all comes down to my problems with my parents being in control and my automatic rebellion towards that.

I don't know why, but I'm just SAD. Shouldn't there be a reason for everything?

I want to die because I don't want to deal with life, because I don't feel it's necessary to go through it at all. There's no need to create stress for myself with school and living on my own when I can just rid myself of it so easily.

"Suicide is selfish". Sadie told me that. Sierra mentioned it. A majority of people seem to think so.

The only reason I can see it as selfish is because of the bonds one makes with people. The bonds I've made with people. The people I've told that I'll always be there to listen to them, that I love them and care about them, that I appreciate them, that I grew close with. The family that raised me, though I could care less for them.

People don't want me to die because it'll hurt them. I don't know if Josh will care, I don't know how much Sadie will care, I don't know how much anyone will care at all. But it's probably safe to assume they'll all at least feel some sort of grief.

That's why. My friends (and family) don't want to be hurt and mortified at the loss of me.

But I'm willing to just throw them all away. I am selfish. Despite all these people telling me not to do it, despite knowing how much it will hurt them, how much it will tear them apart, I'm still willing to do it for my own benefit. All for me.

I've always put others before myself, the well being of my friends before my own, but maybe at the core I'm just really concerned about me and what I want. I don't know. Sometimes it's difficult to figure out who I am.

*sigh*
I can't do this to my brother.. can I? My little brother who seems to adore me, who talks about me so well, who, from what I've been told, completely looks up to me.

He has my eyes. My face. My hair. He looks so much like me.

I cried last night over the guilt of shattering his little heart.

However, I think I can be worried about myself enough to overcome that guilt and shove him aside. Same with my grandmother, who raised me and shaped my mind into the imaginative, colorful sanctuary it is. I can put her aside. I can put everyone aside. Sadie. Rowan. Katherine. Jewelia. Josh. Zara. Daysha. Monessa. Sierra.

Everyone.

:'/
I'm about to cry.

I really don't like myself lately. I'm an unappreciative little pest.

The hell with it all.

I'll just go chug some pills and liquor and die happily. ><

Wouldn't that just do me the biggest favor."

Source: http://rainboific.blogspot.com/