"Hiyas!
First off - I'm not always suicidal, I was lucky enough to get a life situation, and the right kinds of chemicals from my docs and friends to sort that out.
My back story:
One last remaining issue I have in my life regarding suicide is financial. My parents before they split when I was 11 had some right screaming matches, and the odd physical infraction over money. It made an impression on me, and ever since I've always been in the plus financially.
That was until I met my girlfriend, changed genders and got thrown out of the house on our own. We lived off the credit cards we both had, while I was looking for work. My partner at the time was in a worse state than I was, so I was looking after her. We got into a lot of debt while I was job hunting.
Today, I earn enough to help us just about get by - we self medicate with stuff from the internet, which we can't declare to the debt management company we're with - so it can get realllllly tight. My partners in uni, the last 3 weeks - then she's out into the biggest recession for a long time. I'm taking it for granted she's going to be out of work for a long time (realistically).
Recently - bank charges and some repairs took us to £0 (i'm from the UK), that's including pay-day loans, overdraughts, and savings.
I couldn't afford to get to work, and had to take 3 days off holiday at minus 3 hours notice (my boss is AWESOME!) - as I only found out we had no money when I tried to buy my train ticket.
So, during that time - my anxiety was INCREDIBLE... it consumed me, my hands and feet were permanently cold, I felt powerless, my head kept circling around the plughole thought of "It's been like this since I was 11! It's never going to change, my whole life is fucked up, here I am again with no money to eat. What the hell is the point of another 30 years of this stupid shit." I went into cycles of sobbing and crying - 1 hour on, 2 hours off - the whole Hollywood snotty dramatised version.
My partner and I are in a poly relationship - and neither of us have any living relatives we know, my friends are words on the screen of my computer - mostly due to the cost of visiting them, that and the "Meh" I have. (My emotional depressions gone, but the lack of motivations very much here still.) It means the usual good ideas for oneself: "Think of my family! They love me! What about my partner, she'll be on her own! My friends will miss me!" - um, basically don't count as they would in other situations.
I've also got resources for suicide - such as chemicals(not mentioning what they are on this forum!) from the net that put me in a coma for 4 days a few years ago in my past. They were... painless. I keep them as a last-resort - they make me feel more secure, and in control so I'm not throwing them out.
We've been lucky this time - we've got a payday loan from another company at 2500% for £200 - at the month's end we have to pay back £250... being poor is expensive!
So - that's the back-story, now my situation:
I have this BIG problem. I know what it is: I get into financial problems and I break up mentally. My partner handles all our bills - I freeze up on the phone talking to debt agencies, or the bank.
I get into a mental spiral of destructive thoughts, horrible emotional states, panic, stress, anxiety. I want to self harm (not for about 2 years - but damn the scars I've got are big and embarrassing), and when it gets bad enough my thoughts turn to a way out. Because it's painless, it's easy to go through with.
We both think CBT would help me, but I'm REALLY insecure about my job. ANY reason to miss work makes me panic - I think it's linked into my problems with finances.
I'd love to get CBT or whatever I may need (ECT? lol), but doctors appointments are during work hours (WTF!? Why!?), and so would be the treatment. I don't drive so I'd need to commute to wherever it's located - meaning at least half a day off work each session.
I've managed without it till now. I'm 32 now, and I've survived this kind of mental situation a few times in the past, but I need to get out of the nearly always invisible whole I'm in - and the one way I know out of it, I can't for the very same reason I'm seeking treatment!
Does anyone anywhere have some magic solution to this catch 22 situation? Help!"
