I would rather die than to continue living with you in sin and transgression

"I'm a sinner.

I don't realize just how wrong I really am in choosing the sort of life that I live now. I do what I want and yet I am still unhappy, or rather, sinful. Anything that makes one unhappy I believe is sin. So the more unhappy you are, the more sin you are committing. But what if a loved one dies and you become unhappy, does that mean you are a sinner? Perhaps not. But maybe it's better not to be so unhappy at their departure from this world.

Maybe the goal is to see your past loves ones in the people who are living right now. Do not dwell on their death as the end of the world, but as a beginning of new life in the people who are alive in the world now. Because when the disciples of Jesus came to look for him in the tomb, there were two dressed in white asking, "why do you search for the living among the dead?" So even though my auntie Myrna is not with us, she is lives in the living.

The human named Steven, is just one human out of the family of humanity in the world. Love God with all your might, soul, and strength. Then love your neighbor as you love yourself. So if I kill myself, that shows the sort of love that I have for my neighbor. I would rather die than to continue living with you in sin and transgression. I love you by killing myself? How is killing myself loving my neighbor? I am hating myself hoping I may find it.

If I lose my life for the sake of Jesus, I will find it. How much longer will you wait God before passing judgment on me? Am I already judged? Is it all already over as it is? When will enough be enough? I get so full of distress when thinking about your will for me. I'm desperate and yet I am not 100% committed to you. Am I really a worthy sacrifice for your covenant here on earth? If I kill myself, will I be doing the entire world a profound good?

Is killing myself losing my life for the sake of Jesus? How is killing myself loving the Lord my God with all my heart, strength, and soul? I am denying myself from the good life I have been given and accepting death as the alternative for the glory of God. Am I loving my parents more than God by continuing to exist in the world? But I feel as if I don't have the strength to go on with it, to kill myself. I hope eventually I will stop wanting items."

Source: http://stevisd0h.livejournal.com/