I'm scared. I'm lost. And I'm trapped.

"Hi. A couple of months ago my grandpa died from cancer, and I was really close to him, and loved him a lot. A little bit before that, I was diagnosed with depression, but my parents didn't tell me. Then, under false pretenses, I had to take another long series of tests, which, again had the same result. They still didn't tell me, and I found out from my therapist, who I have to see for parents issues. The parent problems have been going on just about forever. My mom especially. She also treats me like I'm worthless, and I'm starting to think I am. She hits me, leaves bruises, scratches me, and hurts me, inside, and out. She has broken fingers, and scarred arms and faces. There are only two people I've told, two close friends. Recently it's been getting worse. She has been screaming at me about what an idiot I am, how stupid, fat, and ugly I am, and how I don't mean anything to the family. She says she wouldn't care if I was there or not. I'm starting to agree. On top of that, my grades are sinking low, to the C range, which she considers unacceptable, to say the least. Also, I have been feeling extremely down, with the depression I mentioned above. This year it has gotten really bad, fast. I have started cutting and drinking, and even doing some drugs. It makes me feel better for about 5 minutes. Then I feel like crap again. I've thought about killing myself many times, and I've even tried once or twice. I don't know what to do. I am sort of thinking maybe I should just run away from it all and kill myself. Or just run away and stay with a friend or something. I just know one thing. I can't live with this anymore. I'm scared. I'm lost. And I'm trapped. What do I do? "

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/what-should-i-do-29/

I think of never existing and it makes the crying stop

"I'm 17, I'm a girl and i can't stop crying, i tried to go to sleep and I woke up because I couldn't anymore and I'm probably going to ditch school today, I just wish I was brave enough to kill myself, i'm too afraid of the pain but it's all I think about it. I'm in class listening to all these people talk about there good summers and weekends and experiences, or listening to my teachers tell me I'm not smart and I don't pay attention and then I come home and listen to my mom tell me to get out of her room after I tell her all the stuff going on in my head, like she didn't hear a word I said, and it hurts. God why won't it stop, i called a suicide hotline yesterday and I asked her what made her get up in the morning and she said "Doing homework", and as soon as she said that, I knew I would still feel the same way I'd been feeling. She said that hotlines are meant to be an outlet. to get it all out, but you can't really get anything out because they're saying "That must suck" "That's really messed up" but the enthusiasm sounds so fake and displaced and that's when I realize they don't know me, and i guess it's hard for me to believe that they care. I called everyone on my contact list (family members since I don't have any friends, well i used to but they keep "losing" my number and I don't think they want to talk anymore, so i just stopped calling) and no one answered, then my auntie, sent me a message saying "I'm at work..blah blah, I hope you're doing all right" and I yelled at the phone that I wasn't alright, and then I think maybe I should talk to her, but then i remember the last time i did, and she was talking about how I'm so sensitive and how I need to be stronger and not let everyone affect me, but she doesn't understand how hard I try to to not care what people say about me, and then i think about the girls at school that don't even know me yet they've continued to make fun of me since freshman year, and sometimes when I'm feeling really good about myself, they just out of nowhere start laughing at me and then i wonder if they would be sad if i died, or would they still laugh, would they call me emo, even in death? And then i think about the boys at school and how they whisper to their friends "She's yours" in a game of sorts, and then they all say no no she's too ugly to be "mine" back and forth until I've finally finished walking the distance i need to get out of earshot. And then i think about how I tell the adults that talk to me and that show me that theyre kind that I'm going to college, but i'm not. I can't because of my grades, and then i think about how the lady on the hotline says a part of me doesn't want to really die since I called, she said it was sort of a subconscious way of me telling me not to kill myself. And then i wonder why or how I've survived this long, even writing this now when it hurts so much, and I wonder about those super optimistic people that never let anything get them down and I wonder how I can be that way, and then i think about my future, and I'm scared that I won't graduate, and then I think about the people at school that push me around wanting to get confrontation out of me, but I don't do or say anything, theyre just hurting me for no reason, and then I think about how everyone says "You never smile, you should smile more", and it's like all of those times I was happy and laughed and smiled they completely forgot, and if they forgot so quickly why should I even think for one moment they care, and then i think about where i live and I think about how much I love my mother and how she tells me she loves me all the time, yet she continues to ignore me, and she didn't even care when i said i didn't want her boyfriend to move in with us. I said no, over and over and she still let him stay here, and he yells at her and calls her names and makes messes in the house without cleaning them up and I clean them because it gets so gross, and then i think about running away but i can't because i have to finish school, because if I don't my family will be disappointed in me and then i think about making a good friend on here and then he just forgets about me and doesn't respond to my messages, and then i think maybe he doesn't care either. And i look around trying to find that person that cares and I can't, and the crying won't stop. And then i try to find something to be happy about, and it stops the crying but then I just start again because I remember. And then all these images of me, jumping off buildings or shooting myself or hanging myself pop into my head and then i cry more because I imagine how painful it would be, how much it would hurt me, and then I wonder why I care so much about the physical pain when I can't even deal with the emotional pain now, and should just get it over with, and then i think about the way old people die, and how sometimes their lungs collapse or they suffocate or everything just stops, and I think about how I don't want to end up like that. And then i think about going to school in five hours and going through everything again, and it hurts, and I think about how people tell me it must not be too bad because I'm not "grown", or I don't take care of myself, or I'm not responsible for anything or anyone so I should be happy. And then i think about death again, and then i think about whether or not I should allow commenting on this because I know someone will comment that they "do care" and i won't believe them because I know it's just them feeling sorry for me, and it hurts that the people I don't even know feel sorry for me and the people i do know don't care. Or someone will say "I understand", "I feel the same way" and I know that they don't because we're all not the same inside our heads, and then i think about how many truants I have already, and wonder if the one i'm going to do in five hours will really screw up everything, and then i think about making a time machine and telling my mother to abort me because I'll become a crazy nazi person, and then i think of never existing and it makes the crying stop for now"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=178594

I'm just drifting away

"So I have been in one of these sulking and depressed mood for the last two or three days. I don't really know why. I've never really been pessimistic but this feeling seems to obscure my thoughts.

I had just been so sad and lonely. Since my friends of college went away to varsities I've had less ppl to share my feelings with, in real life. Mom doesn't understand me, dad is posted somewhere else. And this loneliness is haunting. Since I don't even have a formal institution to attend to I can't have new friends.

This made me so exasperated that I was doubtful if the goals I've set for my life were right, if thats what I want to do? Then there was an urge to kill myself and end all the drama. NO! I AM TURNING TO A DEPRESSED EMO!

To cheer myself up I decided to watch some comedy. I got American Pie 5 for I've been watching that series recently. But it just made the feeling more intense. I also wanted my gf to be here. To give me company

Oh whatever I'm just drifting away. Maybe its just one of those intense feelings of teen age. Hope I get over this excited state soon."

Source: http://coldbreeze16.blogspot.com/

Death must offer nothing but peace

"Why is everyone else so convinced there's a point. Even the depressed suicidal people my councilor tried to make me socialize with seemed to think that death was the point. Or at least a way to cope with the absence of one. I'm aware that i am one of those depressed suicidal people... over the past four years I've taken six overdoses, stolen over £700 from family and friends to spend on crap, been arrested twice for shoplifting, tried every anti-depressant in the book, been diagnosed with social anxiety, kicked out of first high school then college and i self harm. Apparently my opinions count for nought because i'm a loony. My brother has to have anger management because he can't control his little outbursts of frustration like when i forgot to shut his bedroom door and he threw me down the stairs breaking my arm; or when he caught me skiving school and pushed me in front of a car. My mother doesn't really understand me but i love her she's a good mum, so why does she deserve breast cancer. My sister is baby mad but her and her husband have been told she'll never be able to carry a baby to term. And now my dad's been rushed off to hospital following his second stroke. So what's the point. If my family (excluding me and my problems) have to suffer this kind of crap how can there be a higher power. Religion in my opinion is a load of ******** because honestly none of them make any sense. Death must offer nothing but peace so why won't anybody let me accept it."

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/why-am-i-the-only-one-who-cant-see/

I am seriously fucked

"So I've been thinking a lot lately, which really is a pretty dangerous thing for me to do. When I think I usually just come to the conclusion that I'm too fucked and should just kill myself. I haven't exactly gotten that bad, yet, but I am certainly getting there.
Anyway, what I've been thinking about mostly the past few days is why I can't just like/fall in love with someone who might be a little bit good for me. I mean, why is it the only people I have any “romantic”(and that is a pretty fucked up meaning of that once nice word) feelings toward are clearly bad people? One person who I like has specifically told me they don't care whether they talk to me or not, another has actually destroyed my property, and a third is just a whole mess all by himself.
But then I can find three guys who have liked me. The first-compliments me endlessly. The second-has told me that I deserve to have people care about me(what an idiot, right?). The third- is possibly the sweetest, most innocent boy on the planet. Do I like them? Hell no. It bothers me that they like me. It actually annoys me.
I just cannot stand to be liked.
In a way I suppose I am protecting them because I realized a while ago that I tended not to like those nice boys who would treat me like a human being, but just recently someone questioned why I don't like to be liked, and I had no answer for him. I don't like to be liked because that's too simple, isn't it?
Why don't I just accept it? Why does everything have to be a freaking battle? I don't know. I would love to be in a normal relationship, but clearly the only ones I value are the ones where I get thrown around and treated badly. Yeah, perfect. If I am depressed more than happy then perfect!
I am seriously fucked."

Source: http://chibichibibear.livejournal.com/

You make me want to die

"Paradox

You’re both a death sentence

and my oxygen

Just like a tourniquet

when a bone is broken

A deadly medicine,

A toxic antidote

And the lullaby i’ve got memorized

down to the final note.

You picked me up from hell

and left me to die just there.

We both know you can save me,

but you just don’t really care.

You try and piece me slowly

and I break when you hold me,

but I’ll pretend I’m fine

because you alone are my lifeline.

(Inside, you make me want to die.)"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/stupid-girl/

I started a suicide letter

"I'm not sure why I keep a blog. As far as I know one person reads it. Not sure why people would want to read it, my life isn't exciting. If anything my life is depressing. I'm not happy. A lot of people don't know that, but I cry more than normal. I used to only cry when I thought of my dad or grandpa. Now I cry whenever I think of my life in general. We're going to start the search for a therapist soon. I need to be medicated. It got so bad I started a suicide letter, doubt I'd ever use it. I don't think I could really bring myself to kill myself. I'm just depressed."

Source: http://missiemonster.blogspot.com/