I think of never existing and it makes the crying stop

"I'm 17, I'm a girl and i can't stop crying, i tried to go to sleep and I woke up because I couldn't anymore and I'm probably going to ditch school today, I just wish I was brave enough to kill myself, i'm too afraid of the pain but it's all I think about it. I'm in class listening to all these people talk about there good summers and weekends and experiences, or listening to my teachers tell me I'm not smart and I don't pay attention and then I come home and listen to my mom tell me to get out of her room after I tell her all the stuff going on in my head, like she didn't hear a word I said, and it hurts. God why won't it stop, i called a suicide hotline yesterday and I asked her what made her get up in the morning and she said "Doing homework", and as soon as she said that, I knew I would still feel the same way I'd been feeling. She said that hotlines are meant to be an outlet. to get it all out, but you can't really get anything out because they're saying "That must suck" "That's really messed up" but the enthusiasm sounds so fake and displaced and that's when I realize they don't know me, and i guess it's hard for me to believe that they care. I called everyone on my contact list (family members since I don't have any friends, well i used to but they keep "losing" my number and I don't think they want to talk anymore, so i just stopped calling) and no one answered, then my auntie, sent me a message saying "I'm at work..blah blah, I hope you're doing all right" and I yelled at the phone that I wasn't alright, and then I think maybe I should talk to her, but then i remember the last time i did, and she was talking about how I'm so sensitive and how I need to be stronger and not let everyone affect me, but she doesn't understand how hard I try to to not care what people say about me, and then i think about the girls at school that don't even know me yet they've continued to make fun of me since freshman year, and sometimes when I'm feeling really good about myself, they just out of nowhere start laughing at me and then i wonder if they would be sad if i died, or would they still laugh, would they call me emo, even in death? And then i think about the boys at school and how they whisper to their friends "She's yours" in a game of sorts, and then they all say no no she's too ugly to be "mine" back and forth until I've finally finished walking the distance i need to get out of earshot. And then i think about how I tell the adults that talk to me and that show me that theyre kind that I'm going to college, but i'm not. I can't because of my grades, and then i think about how the lady on the hotline says a part of me doesn't want to really die since I called, she said it was sort of a subconscious way of me telling me not to kill myself. And then i wonder why or how I've survived this long, even writing this now when it hurts so much, and I wonder about those super optimistic people that never let anything get them down and I wonder how I can be that way, and then i think about my future, and I'm scared that I won't graduate, and then I think about the people at school that push me around wanting to get confrontation out of me, but I don't do or say anything, theyre just hurting me for no reason, and then I think about how everyone says "You never smile, you should smile more", and it's like all of those times I was happy and laughed and smiled they completely forgot, and if they forgot so quickly why should I even think for one moment they care, and then i think about where i live and I think about how much I love my mother and how she tells me she loves me all the time, yet she continues to ignore me, and she didn't even care when i said i didn't want her boyfriend to move in with us. I said no, over and over and she still let him stay here, and he yells at her and calls her names and makes messes in the house without cleaning them up and I clean them because it gets so gross, and then i think about running away but i can't because i have to finish school, because if I don't my family will be disappointed in me and then i think about making a good friend on here and then he just forgets about me and doesn't respond to my messages, and then i think maybe he doesn't care either. And i look around trying to find that person that cares and I can't, and the crying won't stop. And then i try to find something to be happy about, and it stops the crying but then I just start again because I remember. And then all these images of me, jumping off buildings or shooting myself or hanging myself pop into my head and then i cry more because I imagine how painful it would be, how much it would hurt me, and then I wonder why I care so much about the physical pain when I can't even deal with the emotional pain now, and should just get it over with, and then i think about the way old people die, and how sometimes their lungs collapse or they suffocate or everything just stops, and I think about how I don't want to end up like that. And then i think about going to school in five hours and going through everything again, and it hurts, and I think about how people tell me it must not be too bad because I'm not "grown", or I don't take care of myself, or I'm not responsible for anything or anyone so I should be happy. And then i think about death again, and then i think about whether or not I should allow commenting on this because I know someone will comment that they "do care" and i won't believe them because I know it's just them feeling sorry for me, and it hurts that the people I don't even know feel sorry for me and the people i do know don't care. Or someone will say "I understand", "I feel the same way" and I know that they don't because we're all not the same inside our heads, and then i think about how many truants I have already, and wonder if the one i'm going to do in five hours will really screw up everything, and then i think about making a time machine and telling my mother to abort me because I'll become a crazy nazi person, and then i think of never existing and it makes the crying stop for now"

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=178594