Im too young to be this empty inside

"so i seem to be more alone here than i ever was in California. At least in California I had people who made me think they love me.

I cam here for Ashley and all i have gotten in return is a clod fucking shoulder. i am sick of it. it has almost been a month. a long lonely month that has been eventful but nothing significant. i wonder why you wanted me to come at all. It amazes me that i moved my entire fucking life here for you cuz you wanted me to. I wanted to be the best friend i could. i wanted to be the best friend i wish i had when i moved my whole life from Nor Cal to So Cal. I never had that.

I know first hand how fucking stressful it is to move to a new place without anyone. without a single person to talk to. it broke me as a person. but it also opened up so many new doors.

I was so determined when i moved to so cal to not be the same broken angry girl i once was. and each time i moved throughout so cal i changed. i grew up as a person. i was able to see why someone didnt like me and changed it. i made a lot of enemies in nor cal and i never wanted that again. when you talked about moving and leaving your whole family for that guy you almost married i knew that i had found someone who felt the pain i felt. we had bonded over that. it was good.

after my ex, lets call him Stu, broke up with me when you were in South Carolina and i was in san diego i feel apart. i had less than a week to find a place and the girl that i made friends with while you were gone stabbed me in the back i knew that i couldnt stay in so cal any longer. i moved back to nor cal and tried to apply my new character that i created to the environment there. it didnt work. i was still known as the bitch i once was. i was still the angry girl no one wanted to talk to. this made me long to be back in so cal. when you returned to so cal i felt my heart calling to you.

then that horrible day in November when my dad was awake for the 3rd day and high on chrystalmeth and beat the hell out of me. you came to my aid you came and saved me. but it only seemed to happen when it was out of pure necessity. you had to save me cuz you felt obligated. or at least that is how i felt.
if i had stayed in nor cal i know i would have killed myself. i am positive. i was so thankful to have you and was looking forward to my second chance in so cal. i soaked every minuet in.

i resorted to making money here and there the best way i knew how...mainly looking pretty and getting my picture taken. i drove around hookers and watched as they made money by doing something that is so natural to our bodies. i watched them kill themselves every second they could. trying to block out the pain.

it wasnt long before Ashley went through major drama herself and wanted to leave it all behind. i am like that too and love to leave the problem rather than let it over power me.

i left with her cuz she wanted me to. i thought i could help her like how she saved me.

i respect her so much and every night i sleep next to her and wake up with her next to me. but still i feel like i am on another planet.

i am so depressed right now i dont really know what to do with myself.

i want to stop it all. i want to go home. wherever that may be. i have people who (only once i left) show interest in getting me to return to them. i have people in nor cal and so cal. i would prefer so cal cuz my dad is not there. but at this point in my life i feel like i have a lot more growing to do. i am at a crossroads. the road in front of me is the longest road and has no other cars on it. just me trying to make it on my own. pay my debt. make a name for myself save up money. the usual...but no boys no friends just focus on what needs to be done for me.
the road to my left is a life here with Ashley on the east coast and never looking behind me. the road to my right is returning home to california and struggling to make anything for myself. working my ass off everyday for the minimum and never amounting to anything.

i want to see the beauty this world has to offer. i want to go to ireland and live off the land and make a home there. that is some place that i dont know anyone. but then i fear that i will be putting myself back into the loop i first fell into when i first moved to so cal.

maybe i just need to fall off the face of the earth. no computer no cell phone. no address. just a passport and the clothes in a backpack. if i die or get kidnapped oh well. at least i will have done it for myself.

im too young to be this empty inside."

Source: http://kristamethrx.blogspot.com/

Is living supposed to be this painful?

"I feel like shit.
I don't wanna talk to anyone but to you.

-

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, completely drenched in sweat from a nightmare about you.

Nobody knows, but me.

I should be working.. I shouldn't be bogged down by these fucking emotions..

But here I am again writing another fucking pointless post.

Fuck my shrink.. fuck everyone. You say I'm okay, but is living supposed to be this painful?

I can't even remember the days when I smiled for no reason...

Now if I want to smile, I need something to create it.
I now understand why people drink themselves to death.

I'm slowly approaching that point.. I need to stop.. But I can't. I really don't want to be this depressed..

Drink myself full.. bleed myself blue.. repeat.

By the time I black out, I'm smiling. But when I wake up, I'm dying.

Forget my past, forget my future, forget my goals. My sole purpose for living is to become decaying matter.

Life is a death trap, and this planet is a shit-hole.

-

I can't help but have these horrible thoughts every day..
I can feel my sanity slipping away. I feel more and more restless.

I just want to lie down somewhere and sleep until everything washes over.

This is such a horrible hell for me, I feel like nothing I do in this life will truly benefit me.

I continue for no one, not even myself..

I wonder how many people would even be at my wake if I were to die this very moment.
Would the person at the next table even care?
My personal belongings would all be stolen long before I was sent to a hospital. Or even checked on.

Kill me..

Take me away to a better place.

Fucking selfish race of people..

It really is me against the world. No one would truly cry if you died.. They'd probably celebrate since you're not there to burden them anymore.

I no longer see people through rose-colored glasses. I only see the imperfections. The evil.

-

Is everyone really unable to see through my affectations?

Am I really that great at hiding it?

No. I'm not.

It's just that no one gives a shit.
Not to a useless college student.
Not to worthless people.
Not to me.

I see people with friends.
Short-lived spurts of false hope that they will be there to help THEM achieve what THEY want.
Not what OTHERS want.

...

I'll secretly stop caring then..
I'll secretly ignore everyone once more.
If they think they're going to take advantage of my fake and vulnerable visage, they will not see it coming.
I will continue to pretend.
I will put my mask back on and live a double-life.

Fuck this.. if people want to rip my fucking heart out then I'm going to carry a shield.

I'll never give myself to anyone again..

I belong.
To me.
And only to me.."

Source: http://asecretfromyou.blogspot.com/

WHEN WILL IT END

"WHEN WILL IT STOP
WHEN WILL IT LEAVE MY HEAD
WHEN CAN I JUST LET IT ALL GO
WHEN WILL I FEEL NORMAL AGAIN WHAT EVER NORMAL IS
WHEN WILL PEOPLE STOP STARING
WHEN WILL THEY STOP JUDGING ME
WHEN WILL MY KIDS ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM NOW
WHEN WILL MY FLOOD OF TEARS TURN TO HAPPY THOUGHTS
WHEN WILL IT END
WILL IT END WHEN I TAKE MY LIFE OR WHEN I JUST DO NOT CARE ANYMORE"

Source: http://you-live-my-life.blogspot.com/

They are all out to get me

"After things didn't go well with the ex on new years when I texted her to the point of her almost throwing in the towel of our friendship I have been able to keep things cool... meaning I have been able to give her the space a friend gives another friend... unfortunately it seems like every site I ever gave my email to is against me...

Hampton wants me to rent a room for a vday get together...

jibjab wants me to make fun of the girlfriend I don't have...

sunwing which lies about beachfront property and does not bother to respond to my emails.. wants me to take a vacation with...

Flouraqueen wants me to send flowers to...

Amazon, ebay... you name it..... they are all against the igebadia...

It is too bad they don't have an option where it only sends that spam me if I have my relationship status in facebook as girlfriend.. but then again all these companies who are trying to make me depressed would spam my feed for all to see.. cause that is what you do as a developer.. spam.. spam.. spam right up the ass...

Too bad they don't spam me a girlfriend who I can actually have a valentines day with...

not that I actually want a girlfriend... it is just it is hard not to wish you had one for the one day we need to remember to be nice to the one we love...

so I get to be depressed... and I am convinced it is the pharmaceutical companies trying to convince me to never go off my antidepressants again... like they have to worry after the whole anitbacterial soap thing ruined my testosterone...

They are all out to get me.. the cats told me this would happen...."

Source: http://www.gebula.com/

It's starting to seem like an amazing idea

"well it's starting to seem like an amazing idea.

all this stuff has happened in my life since i last posted, and i really cba to mention it all.

i'm so stressed out, and i just cant help thinking that the only way to escape it all is just to top myself.

then franky would realise what a dick he's being. and lee would as well, though he's no where near as much of a dick in the first place. maybe tom would realise as well, but i doubt it. then my friends would actually WANT to spend time with me. and my parents wouldn't be wishing i was perfect, they'd just be wishing i was still here.

it's the perfect solution, the only problem is that i dont want to give up. which i guess is a good thing, cause it makes it alot less likely that i'll actually kill myself, but it still feels like shit.

i was to get put back on anti-depressants, but i dont know if they'll do it. need to go see the doctor. desperately.

i've been ill for a week and a half now, and stressed out, depressed, having panic attacks, crying constantly, and having pointless arguments. anyway, i dont want to put any more, i'm gonna go to bed. (well i have been awake for a whole hour now...)

peace out."

Source: http://megantheshygirl.blogspot.com/

I'm completely isolated

"I don't really know what to do. I can't talk to any of our friends. I have been super depressed and despondent for a long time. I never cry really but now I can't stop. There doesn't seem to be any happy outcome. All I can do to keep from sobbing is think about how I'm going to get her back. I wanted to marry her. I've never been in a relationship nearly this serious before. All I can think of to win her back is to exercise and get really fit because she say's she doesn't find me attractive anymore... What's worse is that she is already trying to move on with some guy she is chatting with online. He lives far away but the thought still hurts a lot.

I don't even know if I want her back now.

I have health problems that have been plaguing me for years too. I'm pretty much constantly in pain.

Since, for the past two years I've been dating her I have pulled away from friends and now I'm completely isolated."

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/awxgj/my_gf_of_two_years_just_broke_up_with_me/

People would never imagine what is going inside me

"I wish I could kill myself. I am so afraid of doing it, especially not succeeding. I know what would happen if I don’t succeed and people find out.

I am tired of my life. Am 30 years old. I’ve lived a lie all my life. I think its the first time I even talk about it, but I like men. I have had this secret inside forever and have never done anything about it. I am engaged to be married in 2 months. She is a great woman. My professional life is a disaster. I haven’t been able to find a decent job since I finish my degree and I have amazed an incredible amount of debt. My father is a big problem and we are tired of him. I don’t have any good friends anymore, the ones I used to have are all away now. I don’t know what to write, don’t know what to say I just know am tired, sad, lonely, a failure, desperate, suicidal, bored. I want to cry all the time, if you see me am 6, 2 tall. I am always laughing and having a good time, people would never imagine what is going inside me. I just don’t know what to do. I want to move away. Alone. I can’t. I have no money and I have been trying to find a job in another country for the past year and I haven’t been able to. Am pretty smart, good at what I do, but I don’t make enough money. I wish there was a pill I could take and in a second it would all be over. I know of the pain I will cause those I leave behind because even with all the stuff I am going through am loved. Truly loved. The problem is am a failure. I don’t know. This secret I carry, my professional problems, my loneliness, my future wedding, trying so hard to succeed, everything is this huge weight on my back.

I have to move out of my apartment in one month. I don’t know what to do next. I also know people will know I have to because of the rent. I can’t pay it anymore. I have all this credit card debt I have to take care of. I will move in with my parents. My mom, what to tell you she is sleeping the whole day, and my father he is the happiest man on earth, and a joke himself, I despise him for all the pain he’s caused my mother, but that’s another story.

Am tired, sorry everyone if I don’t make much sense, I just don’t know where to start. I have taken meds, I have exercised, I have travelled, I have talked to people, nothing, nada. Hope I find light soon if not I think I will go mad."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-wish-i-could/