People would never imagine what is going inside me

"I wish I could kill myself. I am so afraid of doing it, especially not succeeding. I know what would happen if I don’t succeed and people find out.

I am tired of my life. Am 30 years old. I’ve lived a lie all my life. I think its the first time I even talk about it, but I like men. I have had this secret inside forever and have never done anything about it. I am engaged to be married in 2 months. She is a great woman. My professional life is a disaster. I haven’t been able to find a decent job since I finish my degree and I have amazed an incredible amount of debt. My father is a big problem and we are tired of him. I don’t have any good friends anymore, the ones I used to have are all away now. I don’t know what to write, don’t know what to say I just know am tired, sad, lonely, a failure, desperate, suicidal, bored. I want to cry all the time, if you see me am 6, 2 tall. I am always laughing and having a good time, people would never imagine what is going inside me. I just don’t know what to do. I want to move away. Alone. I can’t. I have no money and I have been trying to find a job in another country for the past year and I haven’t been able to. Am pretty smart, good at what I do, but I don’t make enough money. I wish there was a pill I could take and in a second it would all be over. I know of the pain I will cause those I leave behind because even with all the stuff I am going through am loved. Truly loved. The problem is am a failure. I don’t know. This secret I carry, my professional problems, my loneliness, my future wedding, trying so hard to succeed, everything is this huge weight on my back.

I have to move out of my apartment in one month. I don’t know what to do next. I also know people will know I have to because of the rent. I can’t pay it anymore. I have all this credit card debt I have to take care of. I will move in with my parents. My mom, what to tell you she is sleeping the whole day, and my father he is the happiest man on earth, and a joke himself, I despise him for all the pain he’s caused my mother, but that’s another story.

Am tired, sorry everyone if I don’t make much sense, I just don’t know where to start. I have taken meds, I have exercised, I have travelled, I have talked to people, nothing, nada. Hope I find light soon if not I think I will go mad."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/i-wish-i-could/