Im too young to be this empty inside

"so i seem to be more alone here than i ever was in California. At least in California I had people who made me think they love me.

I cam here for Ashley and all i have gotten in return is a clod fucking shoulder. i am sick of it. it has almost been a month. a long lonely month that has been eventful but nothing significant. i wonder why you wanted me to come at all. It amazes me that i moved my entire fucking life here for you cuz you wanted me to. I wanted to be the best friend i could. i wanted to be the best friend i wish i had when i moved my whole life from Nor Cal to So Cal. I never had that.

I know first hand how fucking stressful it is to move to a new place without anyone. without a single person to talk to. it broke me as a person. but it also opened up so many new doors.

I was so determined when i moved to so cal to not be the same broken angry girl i once was. and each time i moved throughout so cal i changed. i grew up as a person. i was able to see why someone didnt like me and changed it. i made a lot of enemies in nor cal and i never wanted that again. when you talked about moving and leaving your whole family for that guy you almost married i knew that i had found someone who felt the pain i felt. we had bonded over that. it was good.

after my ex, lets call him Stu, broke up with me when you were in South Carolina and i was in san diego i feel apart. i had less than a week to find a place and the girl that i made friends with while you were gone stabbed me in the back i knew that i couldnt stay in so cal any longer. i moved back to nor cal and tried to apply my new character that i created to the environment there. it didnt work. i was still known as the bitch i once was. i was still the angry girl no one wanted to talk to. this made me long to be back in so cal. when you returned to so cal i felt my heart calling to you.

then that horrible day in November when my dad was awake for the 3rd day and high on chrystalmeth and beat the hell out of me. you came to my aid you came and saved me. but it only seemed to happen when it was out of pure necessity. you had to save me cuz you felt obligated. or at least that is how i felt.
if i had stayed in nor cal i know i would have killed myself. i am positive. i was so thankful to have you and was looking forward to my second chance in so cal. i soaked every minuet in.

i resorted to making money here and there the best way i knew how...mainly looking pretty and getting my picture taken. i drove around hookers and watched as they made money by doing something that is so natural to our bodies. i watched them kill themselves every second they could. trying to block out the pain.

it wasnt long before Ashley went through major drama herself and wanted to leave it all behind. i am like that too and love to leave the problem rather than let it over power me.

i left with her cuz she wanted me to. i thought i could help her like how she saved me.

i respect her so much and every night i sleep next to her and wake up with her next to me. but still i feel like i am on another planet.

i am so depressed right now i dont really know what to do with myself.

i want to stop it all. i want to go home. wherever that may be. i have people who (only once i left) show interest in getting me to return to them. i have people in nor cal and so cal. i would prefer so cal cuz my dad is not there. but at this point in my life i feel like i have a lot more growing to do. i am at a crossroads. the road in front of me is the longest road and has no other cars on it. just me trying to make it on my own. pay my debt. make a name for myself save up money. the usual...but no boys no friends just focus on what needs to be done for me.
the road to my left is a life here with Ashley on the east coast and never looking behind me. the road to my right is returning home to california and struggling to make anything for myself. working my ass off everyday for the minimum and never amounting to anything.

i want to see the beauty this world has to offer. i want to go to ireland and live off the land and make a home there. that is some place that i dont know anyone. but then i fear that i will be putting myself back into the loop i first fell into when i first moved to so cal.

maybe i just need to fall off the face of the earth. no computer no cell phone. no address. just a passport and the clothes in a backpack. if i die or get kidnapped oh well. at least i will have done it for myself.

im too young to be this empty inside."

Source: http://kristamethrx.blogspot.com/