Is living supposed to be this painful?

"I feel like shit.
I don't wanna talk to anyone but to you.

-

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, completely drenched in sweat from a nightmare about you.

Nobody knows, but me.

I should be working.. I shouldn't be bogged down by these fucking emotions..

But here I am again writing another fucking pointless post.

Fuck my shrink.. fuck everyone. You say I'm okay, but is living supposed to be this painful?

I can't even remember the days when I smiled for no reason...

Now if I want to smile, I need something to create it.
I now understand why people drink themselves to death.

I'm slowly approaching that point.. I need to stop.. But I can't. I really don't want to be this depressed..

Drink myself full.. bleed myself blue.. repeat.

By the time I black out, I'm smiling. But when I wake up, I'm dying.

Forget my past, forget my future, forget my goals. My sole purpose for living is to become decaying matter.

Life is a death trap, and this planet is a shit-hole.

-

I can't help but have these horrible thoughts every day..
I can feel my sanity slipping away. I feel more and more restless.

I just want to lie down somewhere and sleep until everything washes over.

This is such a horrible hell for me, I feel like nothing I do in this life will truly benefit me.

I continue for no one, not even myself..

I wonder how many people would even be at my wake if I were to die this very moment.
Would the person at the next table even care?
My personal belongings would all be stolen long before I was sent to a hospital. Or even checked on.

Kill me..

Take me away to a better place.

Fucking selfish race of people..

It really is me against the world. No one would truly cry if you died.. They'd probably celebrate since you're not there to burden them anymore.

I no longer see people through rose-colored glasses. I only see the imperfections. The evil.

-

Is everyone really unable to see through my affectations?

Am I really that great at hiding it?

No. I'm not.

It's just that no one gives a shit.
Not to a useless college student.
Not to worthless people.
Not to me.

I see people with friends.
Short-lived spurts of false hope that they will be there to help THEM achieve what THEY want.
Not what OTHERS want.

...

I'll secretly stop caring then..
I'll secretly ignore everyone once more.
If they think they're going to take advantage of my fake and vulnerable visage, they will not see it coming.
I will continue to pretend.
I will put my mask back on and live a double-life.

Fuck this.. if people want to rip my fucking heart out then I'm going to carry a shield.

I'll never give myself to anyone again..

I belong.
To me.
And only to me.."

Source: http://asecretfromyou.blogspot.com/