My life is nothing

"I registered here almost 2 years ago.
But my progress is still close to none.
I think that for people like me there is no more hope.
I can not take control on my brain on my stupid thoughts constantly running through this damn brain.

During this 2 years I read plenty of material from "naturals" hoped that i will become one of them.
Plenty of Zan, brent rion williams, david x...and if there was even minimal change - it was only for few moments.
It was like some spark telling me that next time it will be better but it wasn't.

I have this knowledge.
But I can not apply it.

And now there is one girl.
I know that I shouldn't be outcome dependent.
Sometimes I am not, sometimes I am.

When I thinking about outcome - that I want to be with her - shit happens to my head.
I am like searching for validation.This is so damn terrible feeling, later in home I am thinking and analyzing every single word she told me searching for signs like " she likes you".
But every time result is "she don't like you, you are shit".
But I know that I should have perspective - "Do I like her ?" and receiving everything as sign that she likes me.
But i can't.
I cant believe in myself.
I feel this pressure in my heart that I can not even breath.

Sometimes when I talk to her I am not even me, I'm doing things and talk just for looking validation, to make her like me.
I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.
with no result.
I feel that she feel that I am only pretending.
Later I want to kill myself for being such stupid asshole.

When single thing happen like she laugh and this is honest and we talk and I am in the moment, not thinking about outcome and then I back to home - this moments are making my days shining.I feel like a king, plenty of smile people asking why I am so happy. Everything is awesome.
But if there are days like yesterday - she is tired and not smiling much and I am pretending for her, thinking about outcome, constantly thinking "does she like me" - then I feel like shit.
I am sad as hell.
I don't even want to do anything.
I would like to just cry and cry or better - kill myself.really i think that my life is nothing worth.Really i am not only writing it, this thoughts really goes through my head.
I wont do it.I wont kill myself.
But i don't want to live.
This whole interaction with her is just validation seeking.
I am putting her on pedestal, my happiness depend on her.
I am one big shit hate myself for that.
There is no hope for people like me, really.I can not apply anything in my life.

Even I don't know why I am writing this.
You people on this forum gave me so good advises, but I can not apply it.
I am good only in being bad and screwing everything."

Source: http://www.naturalgame.com/showthread.php?t=7673