Goodbye and hope that wherever I go I’m not in pain anymore

"where to start? well I’m 29 yrs old and l I’ve been depressed for a long as I can remember. I tried to kill myself about 9 yrs ago, I hung myself until I blacked out, it was almost painless the pain only lasted less then a minute then I couldnt feel anything, but my wife cut me down and they rushed me to the hospital so I woke up in the hospital angry that I didn’t succeed and now I was stuck going to a mental clinic for like 3 months taking pills that didn’t do anything to help, but at least I still had her. Well that was then and today she’s gone, we are getting divorced and this pain I feel keeps getting worst everyday, everyone keeps saying that it will go away and it’s been months and months now and It hasn’t gone away, I feel empty and alone without my kids and her, they have always been my only reason to keep living but now they are gone and I’m here all alone.

This past Christmas and new years were the loneliest for me I always had fun being with my kids watching them open their presents and watching their smiles when they were opening them was everything to me but this time I couldn’t, and I remember that in new years we used to light up the fireworks, and now all that is gone. I never wanted this for them. I miss being with them everyday preparing food for them , putting them in bed, taking them to school everything.

Well this depression is killing me slowly I used to weight 200 pounds in the beginning of 2009 and now my weight is 135, I also hurt myself like many of you but instead of cutting myself I burn myself with cigarretes. I really cant take this anymore the pain, the emptiness, and the loneliness is so much that I want it over, every day at work seems like an eternity but I have to go on as nothing is happening or someone may notice.

I promised myself that I was going to go thru with the divorce cause thats what she wanted, but that plan is over I just can’t take it anymore. I wont put details cause I don’t want anyone finding me and I’m really sorry for the people I might hurt. Goodbye and hope that wherever I go I’m not in pain anymore."

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/farewell/

Slowly but surely I seem to be losing everything

"I'm young. Too young--in my opinion--to desire to kill myself, but I often do. This is not an outcry for help and/or attention. I am getting help, and somedays I even feel as though I have returned. However, I find that the majority of my time is spent in this state of being in which I am absolutely worthless. I tell myself the most awful things--most of which I know are not true. I will call myself stupid even though I have not received a 'b' since Middle School, I have above a 4.0 gpa, and am currently taking all AP classes save one. Regardless of the facts, I will brutalize myself. "I'm not good enough for that. I suck at this. She obviously hates me. I'm such a dumb ***. You're a fat and lazy waste of life." This monkey on my back (depression) has been there my entire life. The direct consequence of which would be that I have hated no one in my life more than I hate myself. Even as I type this, my mind is ridiculing my need to do so. I'm trying to rid myself of the monkey, but man does he have a monster grip! Slowly but surely I seem to be losing everything I have deemed important in my life. Instead of doing my homework through uncontrollable sobs I have merely stopped. My anger has and continues to push anyone that I love away. Perhaps I feel as though I do not deserve them.

Truthfully, I am fighting a war that has been striving for many years, but I am tired. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically, Mentally... I am exhausted. The mask I put on when everything is breaking under my feet weighs a metric ton, and keeping over my pained face takes all the strength that I encompass. But i'm running low. Life continuously kicks me whilst I am down, and I do not know how much longer I can take the blows.

Must keep fighting though. Never give up. I'll never lose this fight."

Source: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Battle-Depression/864828

11 lovely gashes

"So, today was my second group session. Yesterday was my first. Yesterday, not much of the group really pertained to me and I didn't talk at all. Today was different. There was less people (4 of us then 2 counselors) so I had to talk. A lot of cutting and eating disorder stuff came up. It was pretty intense for me. I'm not used to talking about how I feel or what's going on. I don't know. I feel like it's helping, and I kinda like it. I don't want to like it because I know in three weeks I'm going to be done. I don't want to be attached or like the people. It's really difficult for me. I feel like I got a lot of good advice, though. The people are great, and the one counselor who is helping out to learn more is hot! A little perk!

I got a little fed up today with not being able to cut like I wanted to. Since my mom took away my stuff and all. So, I went into her bathroom and found an extra razor head. I'm praying to god she doesn't notice one is missing. I need this. I then spent a half hour trying to get the blades out. I ended up having to break it in half and kinda use the bottom. Her razors are like the really expensive kind that are sorta screwed together. Crazy stuff. 11 lovely gashes. And they were deep too! It's sharp. I'm in love, that's the comfort I needed.

Jeff came over today at 2 with his kids. Drove me to therapy at 4. We had about 45 minutes to talk. I really love him. And his kids are amazing. I know I've said that before, but really, they're amazing. I told him I was cutting again without realizing. I asked him a thousand times not to tell my mom. I hope he doesn't. He said he hadn't decided yet. If he does, I'll give my mom the x-acto in my bathtroom. If she notices she's missing a razor, I'll deny it. His kids started crying when they had to leave. Their moms mean, my dads mean. They like my mom, I like their dad. I don't want to lose them. He's getting divorced and so is my mom. Even with all of the drama my dad is causing for both of them, he said he really likes my mom and wants to continue on with their relationship. My mom and Jeff are much more closer and lovey than my parents ever were.

I have so much on my mind to think about. This group thing has brought a lot up. I need to think and get control of my thoughts. It's all so out of control. I hope things get better. It's weird though, some of the things the counselors said to me kinda made me mad. They seemed a little upset at me, too. I don't know. Maybe they're just trying to help. Things might get better. Maybe. Day by day.

With love,

Lola"

Source: http://peaceloveana.blogspot.com/

Dreading the idea of another day on this miserable ball of water and dirt

"Yesterday I had one of my really bad days. I was already feeling sort of shitty from the beginning of the day (It was class registration and nobody knew what the fuck they were doing or they were just being a bitch), and then my 360 broke the same way it broke in late November and for some reason that just turned me into a miserable person about everything on the planet. I was enraged, sad, sick, tired, sick and tired, and any other negative emotion you could come up with.

My depressed days aren’t like that of the typical depressed person. I’m sad, but rather than cry about it, I usually just want to break shit.

I never do. I never get violent, but I just sit in my room brewing. Being filled up with so much rage that I guarantee, should my brother said one more thing I didn’t like, I would have ripped his face off.

That’s just how I get. I hate everybody I live with. I hate the people I don’t live with.

I hate politicians even more than I do normally.

I hate the corporations that buy our politicians and the fact that nobody really seems to be able to notice it or care, even more than I do normally.

I hate games more than I do normally. The whole 360 thing really pisses me off because it’s the first console I’ve ever been afraid to actually touch for fear of the thing breaking. If it’s too close to my dvd player I get a hard drive failure, and the plugs are so stiff that you’re just bound to break the fucking thing by just trying to unplug it..

I want to be the anti-fanboy. A hate-boy, if you will. I will play every game system but a 360. That is, if I didn’t own so many fucking games for the thing.

I hate my life even more than I do normally. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I don’t even have a direction. I hate writers, even though I love writing. I can’t really do anything else I want for one reason or another. I hate that I’m going to be going to high school for another class even though I’m technically done.

That’s a lot of hate, right?

Then I go to bed. Dreading the idea of another day on this miserable ball of water and dirt. There is no way I won’t kill myself tomorrow.

Then I wake up, and I feel better. Less anxious. I still hate the same things I did the day before, but I’m not enslaved by that anger.

The reason I call it the depression hangover is that along with the embarrassment of how I was feeling yesterday, I have this throbbing headache like I do after a night of drinking.

My theory is, my depression is a result of my brain deciding to get drunk on anger and sadness. If you don’t fuck your brain up with alcohol, it will find something else.

Alright, that’s a stupid theory. Hell, it’s not even a theory.

Oh well. Have a good day."

Source: http://adentai.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/a-depression-hangover/

I never feel okay

"what would you do if you were me?… there’s absolutely no way out of this shit…everything makes me feel worse, I never feel okay, I feel so depressed, I go out and feel suicidal no matter what I do, I go back home to feel more horrible, this time is unlike any other, I’m like unable to live in anyway, everyday things get worse, much worse…

I’m sick of trying to kill myself, it never works with me, and I’m sick of cutting myself… to make it short I’m sick of everything, and everyone…

even my friends are all nothing but fake, they get me in one fucking trouble after another and I never learn… and I’m sick of life, and hearing all that living bullshit that never changes, I can’t stand anything, I have no where to go, or anyone to talk to… my life is worthless and I can’t even seem to keep myself together from drowning deeper… for fuck’s sake someone tell me what to do… but no one really can… and I’m scared…"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2010/01/what-would-you-do/

I fucking hate myself

"I am worried about my SAT and the GPA and the ACT and the dog feces … all of this, but I have obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, depression and weakness. I think I might be bipolar, tell you the truth. In addition, I had to drop out of school, high school and seek a recent online home school program. I fucking hate myself. I have four AP courses are for family honor classes have not been educated. How should I do? I have this idea in my head, if I did not enter a good school I was worthless. The only reason is that I survive, so I can get into a good school. But even so, I doubt I can play!"

Source: http://www.depressiondisorder.org/2010/01/25/open-question-the-stress-of-school-makes-me-want-to-kill-myself/

They just don't know how it all feels

"First of all this week went by completely slow. Even though it was just a 4 day week it still felt too long for my liking. Well I'm still feeling depressed not to mention down. It's just something I can't get rid of, something I can't cope with and just try to push away. Sure I've been laughing and smiling but what good is that? I'm just lying to everyone, I'm just pretending to me something I'm not and that's happy. I still feel so stupid and hopeless that I still question why am I here and what's my purpose? It really pisses me off when people pretend to be something they aren't especially when they pretend to me sad and say stuff like oh I'm going to kill myself because I'm so depressed. You know what...shut the fuck up. They don't know what it's like to live every constant moment in fear that the thoughts and doubts in your mind will completely consume you and cause you to do something drastic. They don't know what it's like to feel worthless and useless. They don't know how it feels to be an outcast and have people constanting bugging you or saying something bad about you. They just don't know how it all feels. They don't know how it feels to not want to eat, to not want to sleep, to not want to do anything fun or exciting because the pain always takes over. They don't know shit about it. I'm tired of listening to people act like their something there not. I've been constantly thinking about hurting myself even more like not eating or sleeping that much. Not that I don't do that already. Last night I had this dream that I was fighting these two skeletons but it was a game that I happened to be in. Then there was this other game that was open but the thing is the devil was inside it just waiting for me to grab it so he could drag me down. Honestly that dream scared me. Another thing that scares me is the constant thinking "Well if I were to pass out, be near death or actually die I would make a point to those posers and show them it's not a laughing matter or a fashion statement" The reason it scares me is because I'm actually willing to go that far to make a point but not just that but part of me doesn't really care what happens. I don't know what else to do. I feel like leaving behind everything, giving up and just dying. Nothing has been giving me the sense of living these last few days. I just wonder how much more of this I will be able to take and what will happen to me and if anyone would care"

Source: http://actomboy.livejournal.com/