11 lovely gashes

"So, today was my second group session. Yesterday was my first. Yesterday, not much of the group really pertained to me and I didn't talk at all. Today was different. There was less people (4 of us then 2 counselors) so I had to talk. A lot of cutting and eating disorder stuff came up. It was pretty intense for me. I'm not used to talking about how I feel or what's going on. I don't know. I feel like it's helping, and I kinda like it. I don't want to like it because I know in three weeks I'm going to be done. I don't want to be attached or like the people. It's really difficult for me. I feel like I got a lot of good advice, though. The people are great, and the one counselor who is helping out to learn more is hot! A little perk!

I got a little fed up today with not being able to cut like I wanted to. Since my mom took away my stuff and all. So, I went into her bathroom and found an extra razor head. I'm praying to god she doesn't notice one is missing. I need this. I then spent a half hour trying to get the blades out. I ended up having to break it in half and kinda use the bottom. Her razors are like the really expensive kind that are sorta screwed together. Crazy stuff. 11 lovely gashes. And they were deep too! It's sharp. I'm in love, that's the comfort I needed.

Jeff came over today at 2 with his kids. Drove me to therapy at 4. We had about 45 minutes to talk. I really love him. And his kids are amazing. I know I've said that before, but really, they're amazing. I told him I was cutting again without realizing. I asked him a thousand times not to tell my mom. I hope he doesn't. He said he hadn't decided yet. If he does, I'll give my mom the x-acto in my bathtroom. If she notices she's missing a razor, I'll deny it. His kids started crying when they had to leave. Their moms mean, my dads mean. They like my mom, I like their dad. I don't want to lose them. He's getting divorced and so is my mom. Even with all of the drama my dad is causing for both of them, he said he really likes my mom and wants to continue on with their relationship. My mom and Jeff are much more closer and lovey than my parents ever were.

I have so much on my mind to think about. This group thing has brought a lot up. I need to think and get control of my thoughts. It's all so out of control. I hope things get better. It's weird though, some of the things the counselors said to me kinda made me mad. They seemed a little upset at me, too. I don't know. Maybe they're just trying to help. Things might get better. Maybe. Day by day.

With love,

Lola"

Source: http://peaceloveana.blogspot.com/