They just don't know how it all feels

"First of all this week went by completely slow. Even though it was just a 4 day week it still felt too long for my liking. Well I'm still feeling depressed not to mention down. It's just something I can't get rid of, something I can't cope with and just try to push away. Sure I've been laughing and smiling but what good is that? I'm just lying to everyone, I'm just pretending to me something I'm not and that's happy. I still feel so stupid and hopeless that I still question why am I here and what's my purpose? It really pisses me off when people pretend to be something they aren't especially when they pretend to me sad and say stuff like oh I'm going to kill myself because I'm so depressed. You know what...shut the fuck up. They don't know what it's like to live every constant moment in fear that the thoughts and doubts in your mind will completely consume you and cause you to do something drastic. They don't know what it's like to feel worthless and useless. They don't know how it feels to be an outcast and have people constanting bugging you or saying something bad about you. They just don't know how it all feels. They don't know how it feels to not want to eat, to not want to sleep, to not want to do anything fun or exciting because the pain always takes over. They don't know shit about it. I'm tired of listening to people act like their something there not. I've been constantly thinking about hurting myself even more like not eating or sleeping that much. Not that I don't do that already. Last night I had this dream that I was fighting these two skeletons but it was a game that I happened to be in. Then there was this other game that was open but the thing is the devil was inside it just waiting for me to grab it so he could drag me down. Honestly that dream scared me. Another thing that scares me is the constant thinking "Well if I were to pass out, be near death or actually die I would make a point to those posers and show them it's not a laughing matter or a fashion statement" The reason it scares me is because I'm actually willing to go that far to make a point but not just that but part of me doesn't really care what happens. I don't know what else to do. I feel like leaving behind everything, giving up and just dying. Nothing has been giving me the sense of living these last few days. I just wonder how much more of this I will be able to take and what will happen to me and if anyone would care"

Source: http://actomboy.livejournal.com/