I'm just so tired and fed up now... its all becoming too hard

"I'm still alive, just haven't been posting.

Things in my previous post didn't go as badly as I thought they would. The CPA meeting went alright although I was unbelievably anxious. Lots of reports about my past and how I come to be in the hospital were read out which was uncomfortable for me but I managed to cope.
I tested positive for Dissociative Identity Disorder which wasn't a big surprise although the therapist would like to continue with observations.
My main concern was about when we would start the trauma work. It was decided that I'm not strong enough to deal with the trauma at the moment, and given the fact that it will take a long time they think its best to just help me deal with every day life. I'm disappointed with the decision. I don't wait until I'm strong enough because what if I ever won't be? And what if it is years before I'm strong enough? I want to start it all now so I can get on with my life. *Sigh*
Everyone Else's concern was what will happen when I turn 18 in January. My local adolescent mental health team are looking into what the adult services may be able to offer and of course there is the concern of if I will be able to cope at home or will I have to try and get funding to be moved to an adult ward. None of those queries have been answered so I've been left feeling like after Christmas there is nothing - I can't see a future because I don't know what the possibilities are.
But in general it was a good meeting and everyone was pleased to see that I was working so hard.

I've felt really low the last few weeks and if I am honest, I've been suicidal. I haven't made any plans, but I've had thoughts.
I've not been sleeping well, I got too used to the sleeping tablets and they stopped working. On one night I had less than three hours sleep in total. Anyone knows, that if you don't have depression and you suffer from insomnia that it can make you very run down and low enough as it is... so the depression and all the other things I'm trying hard to cope with has just made it almost unbearable.
I've just been so tired that I became tired of fighting to get better. I wanted (and suppose still want) to just give up. I'm too tired to care. I don't have the energy to cope anymore. I can't see a future and I can't be bothered with it.
Although I've been feeling so shit I have been making the effort to use distraction techniques. When I was first admitted mum brought me a word search puzzle book and I have been doing them a lot this week - so much that I brought two more today in town. I've also been able to ask for medication when things become too over-whelming but before I'm allowed it I have to tell staff how I'm feeling (not necessarily why but just so they are aware) so its all helpful...

I've been switching a lot this week. Last week I was switching a lot in the evenings but this week its been during the day as well. I think its taken a while for everybody to get used to being in such a different environment, especially one that leaves them quite exposed if they came out and its away from Gareth who has become their (and my) safety net. I think perhaps having a confirmed diagnoses of DID has made them feel a bit safer in the knowledge we can safely say that we're not making it up.
I don't always have good communication with the others, or I forget to ask them something so on the back of my door I've put up a piece of paper and left notes for the alters. They've written back which is interesting to see their different handwriting. Jade apparently made my bed and Lilly has at some point been out but both of which I don't know when. I brought a notebook today so that the notes can continue but in a little bit more private - if I have visitors I don't want them reading everything.

Its nearly Christmas which means I will be seeing my Dad's side of the family a lot again. They will ask what have I been up to, and how college is going and every thing like that. I want to tell them so much that actually I've been in a mental hospital for the last 2 months, I try to kill myself regularly and I have multiple personality disorder because I've been abused so much. I want it out of attention from them. I want it because I want to see if they actually care about me. And last of all, I want it because I'm so fucking sick of saying "oh you know, not up to much really, just the usual". I want to tell people the fucking TRUTH about ME! For once I want them to care about ME!!! ME!! Why does it always have to be about them! Why can't they worry about me for once in their fucking lives! *takes a deep breath*
Mum doesn't want anyone to know, because she thinks it will cause more shit for me as certain family members may be nasty about it and use it against me. It kinda feels like shes ashamed of me and my problems sometimes... *sigh* I'm just sick of having to hide who I really am when I'm at home or around family... when at hospital I have to learn all over again to let people see me.... its just hard and I'm tired of pretending... and its actually making me feel lonely because I feel like I have no one to talk to or relate to.

I'm just so tired and fed up now... its all becoming too hard."

Source: http://beautifuldisaster-sparkle.blogspot.com/