I have a really good feeling about dying now

"I walked in the rain today, I always thought I would die on a sunny day, not hot, just sunny… the first warm day in spring yeah, I feel like I’m choking, I felt a lot this way lately, I was just too numb today and yesterday like my mind is washed out and there’s only one idea that keeps buzzing my mind, I can’t even breath well lol, I didn’t have a good day in a long time, I’m cracking my head trying to remember when was the last good day I had, but I can’t and it makes me sad… I waned to recall something good or happy, I don’t even know why…

so forget about that, the last time I wished for something to happen was last week, I wished that I could take back last year…. just live one day of the last year once again, and I wouldn’t change anything… last year I thought I was having the worst days in my life, but compared to now they were the best, really, I wish I could take back one day, just one day, I wouldn’t change a single action that I did, but I would only do one thing, I would enjoy that day, and then I would come back and tell you guys that that was the last good day I had… I just want to live one day of last year, to take back a moment and hold on to it… because that’s what I missed in life, enjoyment, for good or bad, I bet no one knows what the hell am I saying, I don’t expect you to… I don’t even know why I’m posting here, isn’t ironic?!,,, on my last day I just post to a bunch of people that I don’t even know…

I don’t even have anything to say, I’m trying to spend the time so I wont puke, I’ve to focus on something else, I wish I had someone to talk to… someone that would understand how I feel, but there’s no one really, only my boyfriend and if I talked to him… I’d never make it to death XD I would keep crying and feel weak, and I’m sick of crying and/or being weak…I’m just too in love with him… but I can force myself to be cold sometimes and bury my heart no problem, I wish I knew him way longer before I actually did, not that it would change anything but it would at least be a good thing, I don’t know how to say that, but it would be a good thing to have him,

I have a really good feeling about dying now, it’s serial, weird, I hope with all my heart and soul that it’s true, I feel so cold and sick but maybe I’m nervous and I don’t know, I just, my mind seems to be unable to process anything right now, at all, I’m thinking if I lived after I would suffer from a sever emotional and mental breakdown… I know that feeling very well, I’d be nothing but a ghost… a black light

and to God “FUCK YOU!!!” with all my heart… well yeah I feel like there’s a God, I don’t know how to describe that feeling but yeah he’s there I can feel that, but Fuck him! I’ll never believe in him, not for a single day, what’s the use of a bitchy God?! seriously not a single mother fucker comments here telling about God though I probably wont get to read that, even if I lived I wont give a fuck to read anything, or post but not a single mother fucker comments to this post talking about your God and his tests and crap, God is a mother fucker and I will never believe he’s fair to his creatures or whatever the hell you call him… what did I do?… what did I do to be raised to hate? what did I do to have depressive genes?! what did I do to be taught to hate myself?… what did I do to be born here? what did I do to be born anyway?!… I say Fuck God and his followers those filthy animals that follow with blind eyes and eat crap for the name of your fucking lord saying “I’m a believer” well I’m a sinner I’ll die a sinner if you call being atheist as a sin anyway, I’ll die proud of what I am no matter how fucked up… at least I never lied to myself!!…

Good-bye

summer,"

Source: http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/my-last-post-to-be/