How am I supposed to keep it together when Im losing everything? When do I get to be happy?

"Can I Kill Myself Yet?
So lets start with the good news ------

The money CSSD wants isn't for child support, it is only for when my child was on assisted living, so I only have to pay back the $4 grand.

Now the bad ------

That $4 grand may actually screw my finances enough that I will lose everything and I really have to crunch numbers to see if I can survive past this.

I will be passed up for a promotion, it sucks but Im pretty much over it.

My son calls some one else dad .... that really breaks me .... very badly. This breaks my heart .... I just want to destroy everything, what the hell !!?!?! Thats almost to much for me to bear alone in itself. Thats my ... son ... damnit. That hurts the most ... and I just ... cant write about this right now.

I have no clue when I will see my son again, and as I've already mentioned I will miss all his firsts. Walking, Christmas, birthday, I never got to hear him say dada which some one else did. So much Im gonna miss and I cant do anything about it .....

One of my best friends, one to which I always look to for advice, confide in, always hopes for me when I never do, and wishes me the best all the time will be leaving.

Another best friend has health issues which worries me greatly, and I dont get to hang out with him as much as I should.

The girl I care for so much, I found out exactly how I fucked it all up, I made her feel weird, from wanting to much when I knew she didnt want more at the time. Now I dont know if I can still be hopeful in getting her back one day, I really ..... there have been 4 women in my life that I have ever wanted this bad ....

1 - Left and traumatized me really bad, in fact it shaped me to be who most of me is
2 - I dont think I should count as she was the first girlfriend and she messed me up pretty bad mentally
3 - I never dated or did anything with, it just never worked out that way
4 - Now her, I fucked it up

Here I am head in my hand wishing I could do some thing, wanting her back in my arms and all the gentle kisses that came with it. The girl who made me feel like I could shoulder any burden as long as she was with me .... fuck why did I have to fuck it up so bad, and no its not fate or some stupid thing like "well thats just what was meant to be" I fucked up and thats all there is to it and I hate myself for it.

So .... Im losing hope that I migh get the girl back, and Im really trying to be hopeful that maybe one day I will.

My son doesnt know me, and I dont know when I will see him if I ever see him again

And I might just lose everything I own

This isnt some trial of life, or some stupid test, or stand up again after falling .... this is my life damnit, and if it falls apart how the hell am I supposed to keep it together. I havnt been able to stop crying at home ..... Why cant one god damned thing go right without everything else spitting in my face? Just when i half picked myself back up, I get kicked back down and shattered. I just .... how am I supposed to keep it together when Im losing everything? When do I get to be happy?

Now I have some how go to sleep so I can wake up in 4 hours to go back to work .... and I gotta pretend like everything is ok ..."

Source: http://never-saw.livejournal.com/