I’ve lost any hope of living a happy life

"I’m depressed. I don’t see any point in life anymore. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and yet I still can’t sleep at night. Whenever I do get a few hours sleep my dreams are always strange and unsettling, which leave me worried and anxious. I never feel happy. Nomatter how I try and distract myself with things such as voluntary work, guitar, studying, my friends, I still feel so depressed and most of the time I loathe myself. I loathe everything about me. From the way I look, to all the things I have failed at, to everything I’ve ever done that has hurt someone. I hate the things I think. It’s not normal to want to kill yourself every hour of every day. I know that.

I know that it’s treatable, but in my family theres not one person who’s been totally cured of their mental illness. My father has been on antidepressants for years now, my Granda has suffered from chronic depression and S.A.D. My Grandas sister was bipolar, and a poorly controlled one at that. I’ve had two suicides in my far out family circle and yet no one has ever been cured. I mean, looking at my family history doesnt leave me with much hope. While it’s true that medicine may come up with a proper cure for depression someday, I’m not sure if I’ll be around to see that day.

I know that suicides not the answer. It’s a permanent end to a temporary problem. But my temporary problem seems to have been with me all my life. I attempted suicide for the first time when I was 13/14 I can’t remember my actual age. But as far back as when I was 9 and 10, I might have been playing or having fun, but I would feel sad. For no reason. My clearest memory of that is when I was on a school trip in primary school, I might have been 9 or 10 at the time and we went to a swimming pool/adventure place. I remember me standing in the water, with all my friends, and really feeling sad. And I still don’t know why. It was like a heartbreaking sadness, like one that makes you tear up and want to cry.

Ever since I was a little kid I’ve loved books, I love immersing myself in another world, in another person’s life for a few hours. I try and escape from the drudgeries of this life by reading fantasy novels, daydreaming about things and generally tuning the world out. When I was in primary school I was bullied because of my love of books and the way I never used to be involved in any of the fun or badness the other children were up to. Because I was different in this way, I got picked on for two years, in p4 and p5, where I would have been 7 or 8years old. Even now I’d nearly rather read a good book than go out and get wasted in some nightclub somewhere.

Because of the bullying, I had very few, if any friends for two years. Even now I find it hard to read people. I don’t know when someone is angry at me or just tired. Whether they’re laughing at me or with me. And as I’m so paranoid, I usually end up taking things the wrong way and starting an argument. Nowadays I have a few pretty good friends. I have a large enough social circle-people I’d chat to, but wouldn’t count as friends I could talk to about anything meaningful.

I don’t know. I feel so sad and depressed all the time. It’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. Somedays I have been doing something like ironing or studying, and I just feel so sore both inside my head, my heart and my chest. And then I can’t stop crying. It feels like I’ve actually slowed down, both mentally and physically. Even my parents have noticed, sayin how I’m so slow doing things etc.

I get really angry too. At myself mostly, which then is deflected into anger towards people around me, mostly my family. It makes me feel guilty that I get so angry with them for stupid things, when I know that it’s really my problem, not theirs. I’m starting to lose hope. I’ve lost any hope of living a happy life. I can’t even remember the last time I was really happy to be honest. I can’t see myself having any sort of a future, in anything. I’m only 19, and yet for the last 9 or 10 years of my life, I have wanted to be dead. My family would be better off without me, my friends wouldn’t really notice me gone anyway, apart from a couple, and I don’t contribute anything to anyone at all anyway.

I’m depressed

Midge"

Source: http://anotherteenagemisfit.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/no-title/