Theres no way out, no way forward

"really starting to sink back down, i cant let myself do this again.i really started to make some improvement and relised i cant not commit suicide or overdose or major self harm anymore. i had to just had stop it for the sake of my mother-mainly my mother. and for my boyfriends sake. i hate worrying them. but honestly part of me wishes i didnt have them so that i could just do it, just top myself and tht be it.
so i sit here after seeing the crisis team thinking, well why dont i just do it? i ill be a failure and let all these people down at some point, i wont be good enough at some point- so why not just top myself and not have to be around to see that.
if i kill myself it HAS to be sure to work. fail again and il be kicked out of uni and my mother will never forgive me.
crisis team dont think they can help me because i have phone phobia and cant contact them if i feel suicidial, they cant come and visist me because if you want that you hae to direcly ask for it- and i can not ask for their help because i dont feel i deserve it,im wasting their time and she said it herself, im only acutly mentaly ill and im not completely crazy like some people.
tells me to contact the docter if i want them to get back in contact with me and things get any worse.. well hello stupid crisis team i fel suicidal now! just because i wasnt at the exact hour that you saw u doesnt mean im not in crisis. i explained my moods all over the place, that i could be ok but by tomrrow i maybe wanting to kill myself again, but they didnt care. they dont get it, i wanted to make sure i didnt act in a harmful way again by letting them be involved but just as before they have made me want to act on the feelings. theres no way out, no way forward. stuck unless i let go."

Source: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8470844-why-bother